The Twilight Zone (1985) s03e28 Episode Script
Crazy as a Soup Sandwich
(eerie music playing) (Theme from ( The Twilight Zoneplaying) (heartbeat) (frantic panting) (frantic panting) AS CERTAIN AS DEATH AND TAXES, WE ARE TOLD THE MEEK WILL DEFINITELY INHERIT THE EARTH.
PERHAPS, BUT NOT ALWAYS.
CONSIDER, IF YOU WILL, MR.
ARKY LOCHNER A WELL-KNOWN PETTY CROOK, SIDEBAR SIX-FOR-FIVER SHYLOCK REGISTERED COWARD AND OWNER OF A YELLOW STREAK SO VIVID IT COULD BE SLATHERED ON A HOT DOG.
MR.
LOCHNER WAS WRITTEN OUT OF THE WILL WHEN THE MEEK WERE GUARANTEED THEIR INHERITANCE.
JUST NOW HE'S TRYING TO AVOID ANOTHER KIND OF PAYOFF-- A SOULFUL PAYOFF-- IN THAT OFFTRACK BETTING PARLOR WE CALL THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
(evil laughter) (laughing) (deep-voiced): CEASE YOUR FLIGHT, YOU FOUR-FLUSHING PISMIRE.
(evil laughter) THIS IS THE SECOND MOST ILL-ADVISED ACTION YOU HAVE EVER TAKEN, ARKY LOCHNER, YOU MISERABLE GOBBET OF HUMAN MEAT.
THE FIRST WAS TRYING TO MAKE A BARGAIN THAT WOULD OUTWIT ME.
I'M 32,000 YEARS OLD, YOU HUMAN VIRUS.
AMONG MY PEERS IN THE 4th CANONIC ORDER OF DEMONS, I'M CONSIDERED A TRULY GHASTLY DINNER COMPANION.
DID I MENTION I ENJOY SUCKING THE MARROW FROM LIVING BONES OF IDIOTS LIKE YOU? YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD OUTWIT THE MAGNIFICENCE OF VOLKERPS? I STILL GOT TWO DAYS.
THE CONTRACT AIN'T UP FOR TWO DAYS.
WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING ME? BECAUSE I'M A DEMON, YOU IMBECILE.
I DON'T SEND SINGING TELEGRAMS.
I TORMENT.
THAT'S WHY I'M CALLED A DEMON INSTEAD OF THE EASTER BUNNY.
TWO DAYS YOU MADE THE DEAL.
YOU DON'T BUG ME FOR TWO DAYS.
BUG YOU? (evil laughter) TWO DAYS FROM NOW I'LL REMEMBER YOU MENTIONED BUGS.
PERHAPS I'LL TURN YOU INTO ONE.
A SMALL, BLACK, CRAWLING BUG, NOT UNLIKE THE KIND I SPEAR WITH A CLAW CRACK LIKE A NUTSHELL AND FEED TO MY SERPENT MATE, DIPTHA.
SHELOVESTO BE BUGGED.
(evil laughter) YOU GOT TO HELP ME! HE'LL TURN ME INTO A BUG AND EAT ME.
NO, NO.
HIS WIFE IS A SNAKE LADY AND SHE'LL EAT ME.
HELP ME OR IT'S ALL OVER FOR ME.
SHOULD I TWIST OFF HIS HEAD, MR.
LANCASTER? I PERCEIVE THAT YOU ARE SERIOUSLY DERANGED TO BURST IN UNANNOUNCED, ARKY, WITH MY BOYS LOOKING FOR YOU.
UNLESS YOU HAVE SECRETED SOMEWHERE ON YOUR SCROFULOUS BODY THE $165,000 INCLUDING TODAY'S INTEREST AT 750% THAT YOU HAVE OWED ME FOR THREE MONTHS THREE WEEKS AND FOUR DAYS.
YOU GOT TO PROTECT ME, MR.
LANCASTER.
I COULD DO THAT, SIR.
I COULD TWIST OFF HIS HEAD FOR YOU, MR.
LANCASTER.
SIT, BORK.
NINO, BEFORE WE HAVE GUS AND BORK REDUCE HIM TO HIS COMPONENT PARTS, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN HEARING HIS TALE OF WOE? CALMLY, NOW, ARKY, TELL US WHAT SEEMS TO HAVE UNHINGED YOU.
THE 165 G's I GOT LOANED FROM YOU I NEEDED IT BECAUSE I HAD TO MAKE THIS DEAL WITH THIS DEMON, THIS THING WITH BIG TEETH.
HE CALLS HIMSELF VOLKERPS.
(laughing) A SUPERNATURAL BEING? YEAH, YOU GOT IT.
A CREATURE OF STYGIAN DARKNESS, A DENIZEN OF THE NETHER REACHES, A MONSTER FROM SOME NAMELESS PLANE OF WITCHCRAFT AND HORROR.
YOU GOT IT.
BORK TWIST HIS HEAD OFF.
I AIN'T MAKING IT UP, MR.
LANCASTER.
THE THING'S AFTER ME.
HE'S IN THE ALLEY.
GO ON.
WE MADE THIS DEAL, ME AND VOLKERPS.
HE GIVES ME THE WINNERS AT PIMLICO, AQUEDUCT, SANTA ANITA, HAWTHORNE, LIBERTY BELL AND MAYWOOD ALL IN THE SAME DAY.
IN EXCHANGE FOR? REFUSAL OPTION ON 51% OF MY SOUL.
THINGS MUST BE REALLY BAD IN HELL.
YOUR SOUL'S PRETTY GRUNGY.
THEY SAID GOOD HELP'S HARD TO GET.
HE MENTIONED DOING WINDOWS AND FLOORS.
THEN YOU COULD PAY ME BACK, INCLUDING THE INTEREST RATE.
YOU'D FINALLY EXTRICATE YOURSELF FROM THE NASTY, BRUTISH LIFE THAT DISTINGUISHES YOU.
THAT'S HOW I SUPPOSED IT WOULD BE.
YEAH, SURE, AND PIGS WILL FLY.
HE GAVE ME ALL THE WINNERS, ALL RIGHT.
I BET THEM ALL, AND THEY WON, EACH AND EVERY ONE.
(crying) EXCEPT A FEW OF THEM HAD STROKES AND DIED AS THEY CROSSED THE FINISH LINE.
A BUNCH GOT DISQUALIFIED BECAUSE THEY WAS FULL OF DOPE.
ELEVEN GOT SCRATCHED FOR BUMPING IN THE STRETCH.
ON AND ON LIKE THAT.
SURE, THEY ALL CAME IN FIRST, AND I LOST EVERY CENT YOU GAVE ME, MR.
LANCASTER.
THAT'S WHY I BEEN DUCKING YOUR COLLECTORS.
THAT'S WHY MR.
VOLKERPS IS GOING TO EAT ME IF YOU DON'T PROTECT ME.
WHY SHOULD I BOTHER EVEN ALLOWING THAT THIS FANTASY HAS A BASIS IN FACT? $165,000 PLUS THE INTEREST FOR FOUR MONTHS.
MS.
THORNE, MY ACCOUNTANT, MAKES A STRONG CASE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE, DESPITE ITS DISTINGUISHED WRETCHEDNESS.
YOU BELIEVE ME? I BELIEVE THAT I BELIEVE YOU BELIEVE IT.
AS THE MOST POWERFUL UNDERWORLD FIGURE IN THIS METROPOLIS I HAVE MADE COHESIVE SENSE OF THE RACKETS.
NOW I GROW BORED.
ENNUIFILLS MY DAYS AND NIGHTS SAVE FOR THE JOYS OF MY ASSOCIATION WITH MS.
THORNE.
YOU'VE BOUGHT YOURSELF A REPRIEVE THROUGH DINT OF SHEER IMAGINATION.
I WON'T HAVE GUS AND BORK DISSECT YOU.
I WILL ASSIST YOU.
ALREADY I FEEL HEROIC.
TELL ME, HOW DID YOU LOCATE A DEMON IN THESE CONSERVATIVE CLIMES? THIS WOMAN I HEARD ABOUT HAS A STRONG IN WITH THE NETHERWORLD.
SHE SET IT UP.
SHE GETS A COMMISSION.
WE'LL PAY HER A VISIT.
GUS, THE CAR, IF YOU PLEASE.
TRY TO HURRY, DEAR.
WE HAVE DINNER WITH THE MAYOR TONIGHT.
YOU ARE THE IMPRESSIVE CASSANDRA FISHBEIN TRAFFICKER IN THE BLACK ARTS? I'M A BEAUTICIAN.
BEAUTY TECHNICIAN AND COSMETOLOGIST.
I GOT A LICENSE.
I'M NINO LANCASTER, A BUSINESS ASSOCIATE OF MR.
LOCHNER.
HE ADVISES ME YOU SERVED AS A GO-BETWEEN-- AMANUENSIS,AMICUS CURIAE-- FOR HIM AND A PERSONAGE NAMED VOLKERPS.
I'M CALLING A COP.
PROBABLY NOT.
VERY LIKELY MY EMPLOYEE.
I ASK YOUR ASSISTANCE VOLUNTARILY OR PERHAPS MY EMPLOYEE COULD PERSUADE YOU.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I'M A POOR BUSINESSWOMAN TRYING TO MAKE AN HONEST BUCK IN A WORLD OF KIDS HOT FOR PURPLE HAIR AND SHAVED HEADS.
AH, YES, BUSINESS.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE RANGE OF UNEXPECTED TRAGEDIES THAT COULD BEFALL AN UNWARY COIFFEUSE WHOSE INSURANCE PREMIUMS WOULD NOT COVER THE MYSTERIOUS MIXING OF DDT WITH HER SHAMPOOS? OR THE INCONVENIENCE RESULTING FROM, PERHAPS, THE TRUCKERS WHO SHLEP SAID WARES FROM THE DISTRIBUTORS DECIDE THEY'VE LOST THE BILLS OF LADING AND SAID GOODS WIND UP IN BEIRUT? OR THE AUTHORITIES DECIDE TO TOSS THE BUSINESSWOMAN'S APARTMENT FOR ILLEGAL AND NOXIOUS SUBSTANCES WHICH WOULD RESULT IN SAID AUTHORITIES DISCOVERING NICKEL BAGS OF SUCH VEGETATION AND POWDERS STUCK DOWN IN THE PILLOWS OF A SOFA.
PARDON MY COMPLEX SYNTAX BUT I IMAGINE YOU GET MY DRIFT.
YEAH, I SET IT UP, BUT I'M JUST A CLEARINGHOUSE FOR A SELECT FEW DEMONS AND SOUL-TRADERS OF VERY HIGH QUALITY.
THEY HAVE TO MAKE THIS QUOTA OF SOULS TO STAY IN GOOD WITH THE BOSS.
I'M A CANVASSER, A SCOUT, TO STEER LIKELY PROSPECTS.
EXCELLENT.
YOU WILL SET UP A MEETING WITH MR.
VOLKERPS.
Woman: OH! PUT ME DOWN.
Cassandra: WHEN? Woman: HOW DARE YOU, YOU BRUTE.
Lancaster: NOW.
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
VOLKERPS HAS AN UGLY PERSONALITY.
HE'D THINK I TURNED HIM.
ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME SNUFFED? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED HOW COLD AND UNCOMFORTABLE IT IS BEING HUNG UPSIDE DOWN ON A MEAT HOOK IN A FREEZER? (chanting) BY ALL THE MAGES OF SOLOMON'S COURT BY THE THREE-EYED MOON OF ASHTORETH I CALL THEE, VOLKERPS, TO COME FORTH.
Volkerps: CASSANDRA, I SMELL BETRAYAL.
NO, HONESTLY! THEY MADE ME CALL YOU.
GET THEM.
DO IT, ALMIGHTY VOLKERPS.
WASTE THEM.
FIRST THINGS FIRST, CASSANDRA.
THE LITTLE RAT HUMAN, HE HAS TWO DAYS.
BUT YOU (screaming) (evil laughter) NEXT! DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
PILE! PILE! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S NINO? I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S GOT TO BE DEAD.
VOLKERPS CAME.
HE CAME STRAIGHT FROM HELL.
HE STUNK LIKE A ROTTEN EGG.
YOU LEFT HIM?! YOU RAN?! I RAN LIKE HELL.
THAT THING FRICASSEED THE WOMAN.
TURNED HER INTO ASHES LIKE A CIGAR.
OH, MY GOD, NINO.
NINO! ALL RIGHT.
THAT MEANS WE HAVE TO CONSOLIDATE OUR INTERESTS GET THE ACCOUNTS TRANSFERRED INTO THE CORPORATE NAME BEGIN AMORTIZING THE ROLLING STOCK AND MAKE SURE THE BOYS DON'T TAKE OVER THE TERRITORY.
ARE YOU CRAZY? THAT THING IS GOING TO FRY AND EAT US.
(banging) WHO'S THERE? NINO.
OPEN UP.
YOU ALONE? Nino: I SAID OPEN THE DOOR, NOW.
NINO, HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED? CAN YOU WALK? OBVIOUSLY.
IS YOUR BODY BURNED? HOW DID YOU GET AWAY, SIR? (all shouting questions) IT'S GOING TO BE MORE DIFFICULT THAN I THOUGHT.
IF YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM, WHAT CHANCE HAVE I GOT? I DIDN'T SAY IMPOSSIBLE.
I SAID IT WAS MORE DIFFICULT THAN I THOUGHT.
Arky: HOW DID YOU GET AWAY? I DAZZLED HIM WITH FANCY FOOTWORK.
OKAY, LET'S GET TO IT.
GUS, BORK, GO SEE NUNCIO.
HAVE HIM TALK TO OUR PEOPLE AT THE SHIP-FITTING OPERATION.
GET ME 100 GALLONS OF LEAD PAINT.
WHAT COLOR, BOSS? IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT COMES IN BATTLESHIP GRAY, WHICH IS YOUR STANDARD COLOR.
MAYBE HE CAN MIX SOME NICE PASTEL QUIET! I DON'T CARE WHAT COLOR.
GET ANYTHING, BUT GET ME 100 GALLONS WITH THE HIGHEST LEAD CONTENT THEY CAN FIND.
THEN SPRAY THE OFFICE.
CEILING, FLOOR, WALLS, WINDOWS.
EVERY INCH OF IT.
EVERY CORNER.
THEN DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE, DO IT TEN TIMES MORE.
MEANWHILE YOU KEEP AN EYE ON ARKY.
I'VE GOT A LONG TRIP AHEAD OF ME.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU CAN'T JUST GO AND LEAVE ME HERE.
WHERE'S HE GOING? SOME THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
(Arky coughing) THIS IS GOING TO SAVE ME? I'M NOT AT THE PINNACLE OF MY PROFESSION FOR NOTHING.
WE HAVE TO WAIT TILL MIDNIGHT.
HE'LL COME AT MIDNIGHT.
ANYBODY WANTS TO GO, DO IT NOW.
NOT YOU, ARKY.
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.
(thunderclap) YOU AGAIN? I THOUGHT YOU'D HAD ENOUGH.
I'LL GIVE YOU ONE CHANCE.
WHAT? CANCEL THE CONTRACT WITH ARKY.
GIVE HIM ABOUT A MILLION DOLLARS TO MAKE UP FOR HIS LOSSES.
SLIME BACK TO YOUR PIT AND I WON'T KICK THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.
WHY YOU! HAZEL, THE DOOR.
ARKY, THE PATCH.
(evil laughter) (cries out) (grunts, thuds) I'M BLEEDING.
I'M ACTUALLY LOSING PUS, ICHOR AND LOVELY SLIME.
YOU LOUSY TWERP.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
(growling) (growling) SUBMIT, SUBMIT, SUBMIT.
I ORDER YOU BY THE POWER OF ASMODEUS, BELPHEGOR, BELIAL, AND THE TOAD OF DEATH TO SUPPRESS THYSELF.
Nino: SUBMERGE, SUBMIT, SUPPRESS.
GET YOUR MISERABLE UGLY BACKSIDE INTO THE BOX, YOU TWERP.
YOU LOUSY PUNK.
WOW.
I'VE HAD SOME SMALL EXPERIENCE IN THESE MATTERS.
IS THAT HOW YOU GOT AWAY BEFORE? HE GOT ME A LITTLE, BUT NOT MUCH.
I'LL GET YOU.
I'LL REND YOU.
I'LL SAVAGE YOU.
I'LL SHRED YOU.
I'LL SUCK YOUR BONES DRY.
YOU THINK YOU'RE THE FIRST SLUG FROM HELL ALL PUFFED UP WITH HOT AIR WHO TRIED TO MUSCLE IN ON MY OPERATION? IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW I BEAT YOU, LOOK AROUND.
Nino: YOU'RE SMALL POTATOES.
FATHER? PAPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? Papa Demon: YOU IDIOT! I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT THE FAMILY BUSINESS IN YOUR INEPT CLAWS.
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
YOU SAVED ME.
YOU SAVED ME.
YEAH, I SAVED YOU.
NOW ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS MAKE A DEAL WITH ME.
BUSINESS, ARKY IS STRICTLY BUSINESS.
Narrator: OH, ARKY, ARKY.
POOR MR.
LOCHNER.
IN THAT MAGICAL MYSTICAL BOOKIE PARLOR WE CALL THE TWILIGHT ZONE THERE'S AN OLD, OLD, VERY OLD SAYING: MAKING A DEAL WITH A DEMON IS SERIOUSLY CRAZY.
BUT MAKING A DEAL WITH THE MASTER OF DEMONS, WELL, THAT'S CRAZY AS A SOUP SANDWICH.
PERHAPS, BUT NOT ALWAYS.
CONSIDER, IF YOU WILL, MR.
ARKY LOCHNER A WELL-KNOWN PETTY CROOK, SIDEBAR SIX-FOR-FIVER SHYLOCK REGISTERED COWARD AND OWNER OF A YELLOW STREAK SO VIVID IT COULD BE SLATHERED ON A HOT DOG.
MR.
LOCHNER WAS WRITTEN OUT OF THE WILL WHEN THE MEEK WERE GUARANTEED THEIR INHERITANCE.
JUST NOW HE'S TRYING TO AVOID ANOTHER KIND OF PAYOFF-- A SOULFUL PAYOFF-- IN THAT OFFTRACK BETTING PARLOR WE CALL THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
(evil laughter) (laughing) (deep-voiced): CEASE YOUR FLIGHT, YOU FOUR-FLUSHING PISMIRE.
(evil laughter) THIS IS THE SECOND MOST ILL-ADVISED ACTION YOU HAVE EVER TAKEN, ARKY LOCHNER, YOU MISERABLE GOBBET OF HUMAN MEAT.
THE FIRST WAS TRYING TO MAKE A BARGAIN THAT WOULD OUTWIT ME.
I'M 32,000 YEARS OLD, YOU HUMAN VIRUS.
AMONG MY PEERS IN THE 4th CANONIC ORDER OF DEMONS, I'M CONSIDERED A TRULY GHASTLY DINNER COMPANION.
DID I MENTION I ENJOY SUCKING THE MARROW FROM LIVING BONES OF IDIOTS LIKE YOU? YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD OUTWIT THE MAGNIFICENCE OF VOLKERPS? I STILL GOT TWO DAYS.
THE CONTRACT AIN'T UP FOR TWO DAYS.
WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING ME? BECAUSE I'M A DEMON, YOU IMBECILE.
I DON'T SEND SINGING TELEGRAMS.
I TORMENT.
THAT'S WHY I'M CALLED A DEMON INSTEAD OF THE EASTER BUNNY.
TWO DAYS YOU MADE THE DEAL.
YOU DON'T BUG ME FOR TWO DAYS.
BUG YOU? (evil laughter) TWO DAYS FROM NOW I'LL REMEMBER YOU MENTIONED BUGS.
PERHAPS I'LL TURN YOU INTO ONE.
A SMALL, BLACK, CRAWLING BUG, NOT UNLIKE THE KIND I SPEAR WITH A CLAW CRACK LIKE A NUTSHELL AND FEED TO MY SERPENT MATE, DIPTHA.
SHELOVESTO BE BUGGED.
(evil laughter) YOU GOT TO HELP ME! HE'LL TURN ME INTO A BUG AND EAT ME.
NO, NO.
HIS WIFE IS A SNAKE LADY AND SHE'LL EAT ME.
HELP ME OR IT'S ALL OVER FOR ME.
SHOULD I TWIST OFF HIS HEAD, MR.
LANCASTER? I PERCEIVE THAT YOU ARE SERIOUSLY DERANGED TO BURST IN UNANNOUNCED, ARKY, WITH MY BOYS LOOKING FOR YOU.
UNLESS YOU HAVE SECRETED SOMEWHERE ON YOUR SCROFULOUS BODY THE $165,000 INCLUDING TODAY'S INTEREST AT 750% THAT YOU HAVE OWED ME FOR THREE MONTHS THREE WEEKS AND FOUR DAYS.
YOU GOT TO PROTECT ME, MR.
LANCASTER.
I COULD DO THAT, SIR.
I COULD TWIST OFF HIS HEAD FOR YOU, MR.
LANCASTER.
SIT, BORK.
NINO, BEFORE WE HAVE GUS AND BORK REDUCE HIM TO HIS COMPONENT PARTS, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN HEARING HIS TALE OF WOE? CALMLY, NOW, ARKY, TELL US WHAT SEEMS TO HAVE UNHINGED YOU.
THE 165 G's I GOT LOANED FROM YOU I NEEDED IT BECAUSE I HAD TO MAKE THIS DEAL WITH THIS DEMON, THIS THING WITH BIG TEETH.
HE CALLS HIMSELF VOLKERPS.
(laughing) A SUPERNATURAL BEING? YEAH, YOU GOT IT.
A CREATURE OF STYGIAN DARKNESS, A DENIZEN OF THE NETHER REACHES, A MONSTER FROM SOME NAMELESS PLANE OF WITCHCRAFT AND HORROR.
YOU GOT IT.
BORK TWIST HIS HEAD OFF.
I AIN'T MAKING IT UP, MR.
LANCASTER.
THE THING'S AFTER ME.
HE'S IN THE ALLEY.
GO ON.
WE MADE THIS DEAL, ME AND VOLKERPS.
HE GIVES ME THE WINNERS AT PIMLICO, AQUEDUCT, SANTA ANITA, HAWTHORNE, LIBERTY BELL AND MAYWOOD ALL IN THE SAME DAY.
IN EXCHANGE FOR? REFUSAL OPTION ON 51% OF MY SOUL.
THINGS MUST BE REALLY BAD IN HELL.
YOUR SOUL'S PRETTY GRUNGY.
THEY SAID GOOD HELP'S HARD TO GET.
HE MENTIONED DOING WINDOWS AND FLOORS.
THEN YOU COULD PAY ME BACK, INCLUDING THE INTEREST RATE.
YOU'D FINALLY EXTRICATE YOURSELF FROM THE NASTY, BRUTISH LIFE THAT DISTINGUISHES YOU.
THAT'S HOW I SUPPOSED IT WOULD BE.
YEAH, SURE, AND PIGS WILL FLY.
HE GAVE ME ALL THE WINNERS, ALL RIGHT.
I BET THEM ALL, AND THEY WON, EACH AND EVERY ONE.
(crying) EXCEPT A FEW OF THEM HAD STROKES AND DIED AS THEY CROSSED THE FINISH LINE.
A BUNCH GOT DISQUALIFIED BECAUSE THEY WAS FULL OF DOPE.
ELEVEN GOT SCRATCHED FOR BUMPING IN THE STRETCH.
ON AND ON LIKE THAT.
SURE, THEY ALL CAME IN FIRST, AND I LOST EVERY CENT YOU GAVE ME, MR.
LANCASTER.
THAT'S WHY I BEEN DUCKING YOUR COLLECTORS.
THAT'S WHY MR.
VOLKERPS IS GOING TO EAT ME IF YOU DON'T PROTECT ME.
WHY SHOULD I BOTHER EVEN ALLOWING THAT THIS FANTASY HAS A BASIS IN FACT? $165,000 PLUS THE INTEREST FOR FOUR MONTHS.
MS.
THORNE, MY ACCOUNTANT, MAKES A STRONG CASE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE, DESPITE ITS DISTINGUISHED WRETCHEDNESS.
YOU BELIEVE ME? I BELIEVE THAT I BELIEVE YOU BELIEVE IT.
AS THE MOST POWERFUL UNDERWORLD FIGURE IN THIS METROPOLIS I HAVE MADE COHESIVE SENSE OF THE RACKETS.
NOW I GROW BORED.
ENNUIFILLS MY DAYS AND NIGHTS SAVE FOR THE JOYS OF MY ASSOCIATION WITH MS.
THORNE.
YOU'VE BOUGHT YOURSELF A REPRIEVE THROUGH DINT OF SHEER IMAGINATION.
I WON'T HAVE GUS AND BORK DISSECT YOU.
I WILL ASSIST YOU.
ALREADY I FEEL HEROIC.
TELL ME, HOW DID YOU LOCATE A DEMON IN THESE CONSERVATIVE CLIMES? THIS WOMAN I HEARD ABOUT HAS A STRONG IN WITH THE NETHERWORLD.
SHE SET IT UP.
SHE GETS A COMMISSION.
WE'LL PAY HER A VISIT.
GUS, THE CAR, IF YOU PLEASE.
TRY TO HURRY, DEAR.
WE HAVE DINNER WITH THE MAYOR TONIGHT.
YOU ARE THE IMPRESSIVE CASSANDRA FISHBEIN TRAFFICKER IN THE BLACK ARTS? I'M A BEAUTICIAN.
BEAUTY TECHNICIAN AND COSMETOLOGIST.
I GOT A LICENSE.
I'M NINO LANCASTER, A BUSINESS ASSOCIATE OF MR.
LOCHNER.
HE ADVISES ME YOU SERVED AS A GO-BETWEEN-- AMANUENSIS,AMICUS CURIAE-- FOR HIM AND A PERSONAGE NAMED VOLKERPS.
I'M CALLING A COP.
PROBABLY NOT.
VERY LIKELY MY EMPLOYEE.
I ASK YOUR ASSISTANCE VOLUNTARILY OR PERHAPS MY EMPLOYEE COULD PERSUADE YOU.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? I'M A POOR BUSINESSWOMAN TRYING TO MAKE AN HONEST BUCK IN A WORLD OF KIDS HOT FOR PURPLE HAIR AND SHAVED HEADS.
AH, YES, BUSINESS.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE RANGE OF UNEXPECTED TRAGEDIES THAT COULD BEFALL AN UNWARY COIFFEUSE WHOSE INSURANCE PREMIUMS WOULD NOT COVER THE MYSTERIOUS MIXING OF DDT WITH HER SHAMPOOS? OR THE INCONVENIENCE RESULTING FROM, PERHAPS, THE TRUCKERS WHO SHLEP SAID WARES FROM THE DISTRIBUTORS DECIDE THEY'VE LOST THE BILLS OF LADING AND SAID GOODS WIND UP IN BEIRUT? OR THE AUTHORITIES DECIDE TO TOSS THE BUSINESSWOMAN'S APARTMENT FOR ILLEGAL AND NOXIOUS SUBSTANCES WHICH WOULD RESULT IN SAID AUTHORITIES DISCOVERING NICKEL BAGS OF SUCH VEGETATION AND POWDERS STUCK DOWN IN THE PILLOWS OF A SOFA.
PARDON MY COMPLEX SYNTAX BUT I IMAGINE YOU GET MY DRIFT.
YEAH, I SET IT UP, BUT I'M JUST A CLEARINGHOUSE FOR A SELECT FEW DEMONS AND SOUL-TRADERS OF VERY HIGH QUALITY.
THEY HAVE TO MAKE THIS QUOTA OF SOULS TO STAY IN GOOD WITH THE BOSS.
I'M A CANVASSER, A SCOUT, TO STEER LIKELY PROSPECTS.
EXCELLENT.
YOU WILL SET UP A MEETING WITH MR.
VOLKERPS.
Woman: OH! PUT ME DOWN.
Cassandra: WHEN? Woman: HOW DARE YOU, YOU BRUTE.
Lancaster: NOW.
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
VOLKERPS HAS AN UGLY PERSONALITY.
HE'D THINK I TURNED HIM.
ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME SNUFFED? HAVE YOU CONSIDERED HOW COLD AND UNCOMFORTABLE IT IS BEING HUNG UPSIDE DOWN ON A MEAT HOOK IN A FREEZER? (chanting) BY ALL THE MAGES OF SOLOMON'S COURT BY THE THREE-EYED MOON OF ASHTORETH I CALL THEE, VOLKERPS, TO COME FORTH.
Volkerps: CASSANDRA, I SMELL BETRAYAL.
NO, HONESTLY! THEY MADE ME CALL YOU.
GET THEM.
DO IT, ALMIGHTY VOLKERPS.
WASTE THEM.
FIRST THINGS FIRST, CASSANDRA.
THE LITTLE RAT HUMAN, HE HAS TWO DAYS.
BUT YOU (screaming) (evil laughter) NEXT! DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
PILE! PILE! WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S NINO? I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S GOT TO BE DEAD.
VOLKERPS CAME.
HE CAME STRAIGHT FROM HELL.
HE STUNK LIKE A ROTTEN EGG.
YOU LEFT HIM?! YOU RAN?! I RAN LIKE HELL.
THAT THING FRICASSEED THE WOMAN.
TURNED HER INTO ASHES LIKE A CIGAR.
OH, MY GOD, NINO.
NINO! ALL RIGHT.
THAT MEANS WE HAVE TO CONSOLIDATE OUR INTERESTS GET THE ACCOUNTS TRANSFERRED INTO THE CORPORATE NAME BEGIN AMORTIZING THE ROLLING STOCK AND MAKE SURE THE BOYS DON'T TAKE OVER THE TERRITORY.
ARE YOU CRAZY? THAT THING IS GOING TO FRY AND EAT US.
(banging) WHO'S THERE? NINO.
OPEN UP.
YOU ALONE? Nino: I SAID OPEN THE DOOR, NOW.
NINO, HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED? CAN YOU WALK? OBVIOUSLY.
IS YOUR BODY BURNED? HOW DID YOU GET AWAY, SIR? (all shouting questions) IT'S GOING TO BE MORE DIFFICULT THAN I THOUGHT.
IF YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM, WHAT CHANCE HAVE I GOT? I DIDN'T SAY IMPOSSIBLE.
I SAID IT WAS MORE DIFFICULT THAN I THOUGHT.
Arky: HOW DID YOU GET AWAY? I DAZZLED HIM WITH FANCY FOOTWORK.
OKAY, LET'S GET TO IT.
GUS, BORK, GO SEE NUNCIO.
HAVE HIM TALK TO OUR PEOPLE AT THE SHIP-FITTING OPERATION.
GET ME 100 GALLONS OF LEAD PAINT.
WHAT COLOR, BOSS? IT DOESN'T MATTER.
IT COMES IN BATTLESHIP GRAY, WHICH IS YOUR STANDARD COLOR.
MAYBE HE CAN MIX SOME NICE PASTEL QUIET! I DON'T CARE WHAT COLOR.
GET ANYTHING, BUT GET ME 100 GALLONS WITH THE HIGHEST LEAD CONTENT THEY CAN FIND.
THEN SPRAY THE OFFICE.
CEILING, FLOOR, WALLS, WINDOWS.
EVERY INCH OF IT.
EVERY CORNER.
THEN DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE, DO IT TEN TIMES MORE.
MEANWHILE YOU KEEP AN EYE ON ARKY.
I'VE GOT A LONG TRIP AHEAD OF ME.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU CAN'T JUST GO AND LEAVE ME HERE.
WHERE'S HE GOING? SOME THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
(Arky coughing) THIS IS GOING TO SAVE ME? I'M NOT AT THE PINNACLE OF MY PROFESSION FOR NOTHING.
WE HAVE TO WAIT TILL MIDNIGHT.
HE'LL COME AT MIDNIGHT.
ANYBODY WANTS TO GO, DO IT NOW.
NOT YOU, ARKY.
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.
(thunderclap) YOU AGAIN? I THOUGHT YOU'D HAD ENOUGH.
I'LL GIVE YOU ONE CHANCE.
WHAT? CANCEL THE CONTRACT WITH ARKY.
GIVE HIM ABOUT A MILLION DOLLARS TO MAKE UP FOR HIS LOSSES.
SLIME BACK TO YOUR PIT AND I WON'T KICK THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.
WHY YOU! HAZEL, THE DOOR.
ARKY, THE PATCH.
(evil laughter) (cries out) (grunts, thuds) I'M BLEEDING.
I'M ACTUALLY LOSING PUS, ICHOR AND LOVELY SLIME.
YOU LOUSY TWERP.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
(growling) (growling) SUBMIT, SUBMIT, SUBMIT.
I ORDER YOU BY THE POWER OF ASMODEUS, BELPHEGOR, BELIAL, AND THE TOAD OF DEATH TO SUPPRESS THYSELF.
Nino: SUBMERGE, SUBMIT, SUPPRESS.
GET YOUR MISERABLE UGLY BACKSIDE INTO THE BOX, YOU TWERP.
YOU LOUSY PUNK.
WOW.
I'VE HAD SOME SMALL EXPERIENCE IN THESE MATTERS.
IS THAT HOW YOU GOT AWAY BEFORE? HE GOT ME A LITTLE, BUT NOT MUCH.
I'LL GET YOU.
I'LL REND YOU.
I'LL SAVAGE YOU.
I'LL SHRED YOU.
I'LL SUCK YOUR BONES DRY.
YOU THINK YOU'RE THE FIRST SLUG FROM HELL ALL PUFFED UP WITH HOT AIR WHO TRIED TO MUSCLE IN ON MY OPERATION? IF YOU'RE WONDERING HOW I BEAT YOU, LOOK AROUND.
Nino: YOU'RE SMALL POTATOES.
FATHER? PAPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? Papa Demon: YOU IDIOT! I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT THE FAMILY BUSINESS IN YOUR INEPT CLAWS.
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
YOU SAVED ME.
YOU SAVED ME.
YEAH, I SAVED YOU.
NOW ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS MAKE A DEAL WITH ME.
BUSINESS, ARKY IS STRICTLY BUSINESS.
Narrator: OH, ARKY, ARKY.
POOR MR.
LOCHNER.
IN THAT MAGICAL MYSTICAL BOOKIE PARLOR WE CALL THE TWILIGHT ZONE THERE'S AN OLD, OLD, VERY OLD SAYING: MAKING A DEAL WITH A DEMON IS SERIOUSLY CRAZY.
BUT MAKING A DEAL WITH THE MASTER OF DEMONS, WELL, THAT'S CRAZY AS A SOUP SANDWICH.