Wizards of Waverly Place s03e28 Episode Script

- [all laughing.]
- Hey, guys.
I made us a little something for our double date tonight.
- Matching hats.
- Sweet.
We'll look like a group.
Which is safer.
That way we won't get beat up.
We're just gonna get made fun of a lot.
- They're lovely, Harper.
- You don't have to agree with her.
I'm your girlfriend, you agree with me.
Harper, we are not wearing these things.
Yeah, they're wretched.
Let's go, Mason.
Let's get you down to the department store and get you some free samples of body spray.
No offense, but you kind of smell like a dog.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Hey guys, take it easy.
Zeke thinks Mason smells like a dog because he doesn't know that Mason actually is a dog.
What's your excuse? - [alarms blare.]
- [helicopter hovering.]
Jerry, what's going on? I don't like this.
I don't know.
Let's get out of here.
[all scream.]
This way! - [all scream.]
- Back! Good morning, Russo family.
I'm Agent Lamwood from Well, I can't tell you because it's a secret department of the US government.
We've had your family under surveillance for months.
Oh no, Dad.
They found out that our sodas are mostly ice.
We know you're wizards.
[scoffs nervously.]
Can I offer you some ice with a splash of soda? We can talk about how ridiculous that is.
Not at $3.
85 a cup you can't.
- Take 'em away.
- [Russos murmuring.]
[Max.]
I need to get a note for school! I know how much is in the register, and I expect it to be there when I get back! [Justin.]
What's the yellow tunnel for?! - [radio chatter fades.]
- [helicopter fades.]
I will not panic.
I will not panic.
I will not panic.
[screaming.]
* Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * Gee, I wonder how they found out.
Alex.
Me? The government is always looking at nerds.
They're either threats or recruits.
Which one are you? Hmm?! - [mutters.]
- Everyone stop it.
We need to stick together as a family.
No one tell them anything.
We don't want them to find out we're you-know-what's.
What's a "uni-what?" Is it related to like a unicorn or something? Dad.
I have my hidden mini-wand in my boot.
I can get us out of here.
Oh! Thank you for this toothpick, Alex.
I had a little stuff stuck here.
We don't want them to know we're wizards.
There's cameras everywhere.
[gags.]
I I think I just took care of it.
Yep.
Well, good luck with that on the b-side.
Dad.
What do you think they want with us? I don't know, but I hope they make it quick.
I need to take a whiz Ards?! I think I heard enough.
Welcome, wizards.
I've brought you here so the US government can have a better understanding of how you creatures work.
Creatures? Look, I know that Justin's funny looking, - but don't lump me in with him.
- You can't keep us here.
All right? People will miss us.
Yeah.
I have a double date later tonight, and my friend made hats.
So when there's a hat with no head, they'll notice.
No one's going to miss you.
We make people disappear all the time.
You don't hear anyone still talking about Len Goldfarb, do you? - Who? - Exactly.
Now, if you'll just answer a few questions about being wizards, it'd be swell.
How do you get your powers? [chuckles.]
The silent treatment.
Now, I guess I'll have to interview you separately.
Who wants to go first? OK, Max.
You're up.
No, I wasn't volunteering.
I had a question.
- What's your question? - Can I go first? There's got to be a wizard world telephone around here somewhere.
Oh! OK, all right.
Hello? Wizard world? Anyone? Oh! Duh.
Hello? - [door closes.]
- [Mason.]
Alex? Where is everybody? I'm ready for our double date.
There isn't going to be a double date.
Someone took the Russos.
I think they were from the government.
Oh, my.
I'll go find Professor Crumbs.
He'll know what to do.
Well, he might not, but at least I'll look like a hero for notifying him.
Wait.
What should I do while you're gone? Just stay here.
That's what heroes say.
I'll be back in a jiffy.
What kind of a hero says, "jiffy?" Listen, Max We know you're the brains of the Russo operation.
Well, thank you.
I've heard "armpit" before, but never "brains.
" Scientist One, here, just has a few questions and you can be on your way.
Hello, Max.
First question: Is that your real body or does your wizard soul take over an existing body? Oh, that's a good question I think this is my real body.
But I'm not too sure, though, I wasn't there when I was born.
"Wasn't there when" Wait, I can't write that.
They're gonna think I'm out of my mind! OK, look, wizard, we want to know how your powers work.
Yeah.
Is there a power core somewhere? Are the powers in your wand? Do you plug yourself in at night? Kind of.
I have to use an electric blanket in the winter, 'cause it gets really cold at night.
My dad doesn't like to turn on the heat.
In fact, he makes us all gain a few pounds in the winter to keep heating costs down.
"Wizards get fat in the winter.
" Don't write that down! That's what he said! He also said he was an armpit.
OK, Alex, we know you're the brains of the Russo operation.
Ah, flattery.
The first step in basic interrogation.
Why don't you try something else, noob.
[laughs heartily.]
ha-choo.
Are you hungry? Maybe you'd like a hamburger.
Go ahead, have some.
See, we're all friends here.
So, is everyone in your family a wizard? [munching, slurping.]
You skipped a bunch of questions.
Excuse me for trying to keep it fresh.
Man, this little lady can eat.
OK, you've eaten.
Now tell us.
Is everyone in your family a wizard? - [belches.]
- [groans.]
[laughing.]
Oh, I'm not telling you anything.
Look, Justin, we know you're the real brains of the Russo operation.
Ah, thanks.
That's actually very true, because Look, I'm not telling you guys anything.
We're all friends here.
No need to get upset.
Now, Scientist One, here, just has a few questions.
Who knows what order they'll come in.
Well, I'm not telling Scientist One anything.
I demand to speak to someone else.
Is there a Scientist Two or Three? Oh no, you don't want to talk to Scientist Number Three.
If we need him to come in, it isn't gonna be much talking.
Look, we know you're a smart kid.
I'm gonna tell you something I didn't tell the others, because I didn't think they could handle it.
The government has intercepted information that extraterrestrials are about to land on Earth.
Extraterrestrials? [scoffs.]
Please.
Those rumors have been circulating for years.
Well, what about these satellite photos labeled "top secret?" [scoffs.]
"Top secret.
" Crop circles.
Crop circles were made by a bored farmer.
Give me a break.
We think they might be targets.
Targets? Are you serious? Yeah.
At the last meeting, we decided they're targets.
I wasn't at the last meeting.
I had a thing with the kids.
- So you didn't hear the tape? - [Scientist.]
What tape? Oh! We intercepted what sounds like some sort of alien communication.
Now, we're not sure what they're saying, but we hope it's, "We come in peace.
" So So, you're saying you have actual tape of aliens communicating? [clears throat.]
Think I could give it a listen? - [exhales.]
- [phone beeps.]
[static and indistinct alien language.]
[gasps.]
This is an alien battle call.
They're saying "Prepare to attack!" Oh, my gosh.
This is worse than I thought.
I know.
I just got my car washed.
Now, I'm not saying there are wizards, but if there were, and you were one, we could sure use that kind of help right now.
Son, Earth needs defending.
[raspy.]
Earth needs defending.
[grunts.]
I never thought I'd be in a situation like this.
- I'll help you guys.
- You will? Oh! But mere mortals are no challenge for aliens.
Well, I'm no mere mortal.
- I'm a wizard.
- [gasps.]
So here's what we're gonna have to do.
Go to my Wizard's Lair so I can contact the wizard world for back-up.
- Wizard world? Great.
- Yes.
Where's the Lair? We'll take you.
It's hidden in our freezer at our restaurant.
Justin, the US government thanks you.
Someday the world will thank you.
They might even throw you a parade.
[inhales sharply.]
I love parades.
Now, take this burger and go back to your family [inhales.]
hero.
Sir.
[clears throat.]
Sir.
I'd just like to thank you for this opportunity to serve Earth.
- I won't let you down.
- I know.
I brought us a hamburger.
They gave Justin a hamburger.
He must have rolled over.
What did you tell them? Did you tell them we're you-know-whats? - [gasps.]
- Did they let you use the bathroom? Was it worth it? Look, look.
Everything is gonna be OK.
All right? I'm a hero.
You're all going home.
- [Jerry groans.]
- I'm staying behind to serve my country and fight the impending alien attack.
"Impending alien attack?" What are you talking about? That's why we're here.
They needed my help.
They have an alien recording of a battle call that I translated for them.
And you all laughed at me for Alien Language League but my skills came in handy here.
You mean you translated something in a language that you and your weirdo friends made up? They had us under surveillance.
They used that against you.
No.
It was real.
It had static.
I assure you guys, everything is gonna be OK.
- [alarm.]
- [Lamwood on PA.]
Attention staff.
We tricked the kid into admitting they're wizards.
Big thank you for Justin Russo, everyone.
- We don't have to stay late tonight.
Let's go, everybody.
- [people cheering.]
Hey, congratulations, man.
They said your name.
Go, go, go, go.
OK, I admit I was tricked.
I know this is bad, but there isn't much they could do with the small tidbits of information I gave him.
Giving up the biggest secret of our lives is not a tidbit.
It's the whole bit.
Guys, check it out.
This wall is crumbly.
It's made out of coffee cake.
The kind that has a lot of dirt in it.
Guys, I bet you we can chip away at this air duct and get out of here.
That's a great idea.
All right.
Everybody, we have to stick together.
Into the air duct.
I really hope this leads to the ladies' room.
Hey, is it Is it just me, or is this shaft getting shaky? [all scream.]
We're out.
I saved us.
Close.
We're still inside.
And you did nothing.
Oh, my gosh.
They have other wizards.
Professor Crumbs and Rudy Tootietootie.
Professor Crumbs, what happened? They came for us.
All of us.
How'd they get into the wizard world? I don't know.
It's the US government.
They're pretty sneaky.
But from what I understand, someone told Agent Lamwood about the wizard world.
Now what kind of horrible person would do such a thing?! It might have come up.
Well, they got in through someone's portal.
That also came up.
Professor Crumbs, do you have your wand? Can you get us out? I'm afraid not, Alex.
Nobody has powers.
Lamwood surprised us.
He got a hold of the Wizard Power Cord - and yanked it out of the wall.
- No powers? What do we do? Hidden in my beard is a single-use emergency spell generator.
It has enough power for one spell.
Is this it? A cootie catcher? Yes.
Complete a turn to activate its power.
You have ten seconds to cast a spell.
Max, stand guard.
Quick.
Pick a color.
- Chartreuse.
- Pick a shorter color.
- Red.
- R-E-D.
- Now pick an animal - I see you found your friends.
Max, we told you to keep a look out.
- For who? - Lamwood.
Oh.
[whispers.]
Lamwood's coming.
- And I have a friend for you.
- Mason! How did they catch you? Well, I was admiring myself in the mirror with this hat on when they snuck up behind me.
How does someone sneak up behind you while you're looking in a mirror? Well, I was very much admiring my hat.
We agreed that we weren't wearing these.
Guards, take them away.
- Max, give me a hand.
- All right.
Quick, pick an animal.
Wolf, of course.
W-O-L-F.
Alex, do the spell already! Get us out of here.
Edgebono Youtoosis.
Edgebono Youtoosis.
Edgebono Youtoosis.
Oh, my gosh.
They used wizardry.
Run! Run, duplicate Russos, run! Get the Russos! How do we know which ones are real? [all.]
We're the real Russos! - [stammers.]
Just get all of them.
- [Russos all shouting.]
This is gonna be a lot of paperwork.
[indistinct shouting.]
Come on, everybody.
Down here.
Hey, me first.
He's old.
I have more to live for.
- Relax, you're next.
- Are you the real Alex? Yes, and I know you're the real Crumbs, because your beard stinks.
Yes, indeed, you are the real Alex.
Go and save your family, you don't have much time.
- They've got almost all the Jerrys.
- [Jerry.]
Hey! - Is that really what I look like from the back? - Yeah, you do.
Yep, Jerrys are really easy to trick.
Now go, go, go.
I'll save the rest of the wizards.
Hey Crumbs, when I said you were old and had nothing to live for, what I meant was is you're handsome and we're best friends.
Now get me out of here.
OK, OK! In here! In here! [duplicates shouting.]
We're the Russos! Those duplicates aren't going to keep them busy for very long.
- [knocking.]
- Oh, I'll get it.
- [all.]
No! - Wait! Wait! What if it's Alex? - Come.
Follow me.
Quick.
- No.
Everybody stay here.
We're not falling for anything.
Yeah.
how do we know you're not, like, a duplicate Scientist One? Wait, wait, wait.
These are just duplicates.
I've got them.
Go get the real Russos.
- Now do you trust me? - OK, I trust you.
I'm a duplicate.
Now what? [muffled commotion.]
- OK.
- [beeping.]
Here's the escape hatch.
You can get out through here.
[Alex laughing.]
Oh, there you guys are.
What's going on? You're getting out of here.
Lamwood is out of control.
We're not even supposed to be studying wizards.
We're supposed to be studying lizards.
Come on! Come on, come on, come on.
Hurry, hurry! He's coming! I did it.
I saved us.
We're home.
Close.
We're in the middle of the desert.
And you did nothing.
- Is everyone OK? - No.
I let all of you down.
I'm sorry.
Hey, you thought you were saving the world.
It's pretty hard to be mad at you for that.
- Mason, you saved us.
- No, I didn't.
I know, I did, but I just wanted to give you a hug.
What, are we just gonna leave everyone down there? - We gotta go rescue them.
- [Theresa.]
How? If we go back, they'll catch us.
What are we going to do? I don't know, honey.
Let's get back to the Lair - and we'll figure it out.
- We can't go home.
They'll just come find us again.
Look, if we're gonna save those wizards we're gonna have go to the authorities.
And say what? That they've trapped a bunch of wizards? We'll expose magic.
Well, maybe exposing magic is what we need to do.
[thumping.]
[groans.]
Oh, good.
You're still here.
Whoo! [groans.]
Oh, man.
How about that Scientist One? He turned out to be a pretty good guy.
We're gonna try and grab some brunch when this all blows over.
Is Professor Crumbs behind you? Nah.
He's doing good down there.
He set us all free.
That old geezer is going crazy Yoda on them.
Or I should say, "Going crazy Yoda on them, he is.
" That was just for you, Justin.
OK, well, which way do we go? I'd have to say that way.
Thanks, Max.