Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e29 Episode Script
Monkey Business
( theme song playing ) ( explosions in background ) Come in.
Royal Navy 371, come in, please.
Over.
I wonder why we're having such trouble contacting the British sub.
Maybe they've stopped for tea.
I find that in very bad taste, old boy.
Royal Navy 371 calling Stalag 13.
Come in, Stalag 13.
Over.
Colonel Hogan here.
Glad you could read us.
We were getting worried when you didn't answer our call.
Nothing to worry about, old boy.
The Jerries have had a destroyer tracking us, but we've managed to give him the slip just in time for tea.
( explosions ) One lump, Willoughby, please.
Tell London I have a message for them.
Oh, righto.
Stand by.
Uh Royal Navy calling London G2.
Come in, London.
Colonel Wembley.
Yes, Sergeant.
We've just made contact with a sub.
They have a message from Stalag 13.
Well, that may be the message to say Hogan has made contact with the underground.
Go ahead, Royal Navy 371.
I'm in contact with London, Stalag 13.
Go ahead.
Tell London that our man Carter is delivering a spare part so the underground can repair their transmitter.
Hogan says his man Carter is now delivering that spare part to the underground.
Did you get that message, sir? Good show.
The underground needs that part for their transmitter desperately.
Oh, uh send along congratulations to Hogan and all his chaps.
I relayed your message to London, and G2 sends along his congratulations to all you chaps.
Thank you.
Over and out.
( bombs whistling ) ( explosions outside ) I hope you didn't build up their hopes.
That's some show the 8th Air Force is putting on.
They must be bombing that ball bearing factory outside of town.
Carter will get through.
He's got to get through.
The underground's going to radio London some German troop movements in time for a probing raid.
Sir, I'm not putting a knock on Carter-- you know I think he's a splendid fellow, and he did a marvelous job building that part for the transmitter-- but I just think you should have sent me out to deliver it to the underground.
Not at teatime, old boy.
( explosions ) ( P.
O.
W.
s shouting ) Carter should have been back by now.
Maybe he waited for the bombing to stop before he started back.
The air raid's been over two hours.
Want me to have a look around, Colonel? Let's give him a few more minutes.
SCHULTZ: Everybody restricted to the barracks.
Give me the ball.
Come on, come on, come on, give me the ball.
Give me the ball! Everybody restricted to the barracks.
You're not playing catch.
Come on, Schultz.
Not again.
Please don't Those are Commandant Klink's orders.
Give me the ball.
You're going to put me to trouble.
Please! Everybody restricted to the barracks.
Why are we all restricted, Schultz? Because there's a shortage of guards.
How many guards deserted this time? No German soldier ever deserts! I'd like to be in Switzerland with the sauerbraten concession, Schultz.
What happened to all the guards? They're in the woods, chasing lions and elephants and leopards and who knows what.
HOGAN: Schultz, I thought you didn't hit the schnapps when you're on duty.
No, it's true.
One of your bombers smashed and demolished the ball bearing factory next to the Hammelburg Zoo.
You mean to say the old zoo got hit and all those wild animals are running loose? The woods are full of them.
You should have volunteered for the hunt then, Schultz.
You could have gotten your wife a fur coat cheap.
They would like me to go in the woods with all those animals, huh? I happen to be an animal lover, and I think you'd make a great sit-down dinner for six lions.
Funny, funny.
Jolly joker.
Everybody's restricted to the barracks, and I'll come back for a roll call.
You understand? Now, back to the barracks.
Back, back, back.
Schnell! Mach schnell! Everybody back to the barracks.
Well, we got some great news.
The zoo got hit in the raid.
All the animals busted out of cages.
No kidding.
Yeah, let's hope that Carter got to the underground before the animals got loose.
Aah, this mission is too risky.
He should have been back an hour ago.
It's my fault.
What were you supposed to do, Colonel? Send him out with a whip and a chair? NEWKIRK: Andrew, where you been? We've been worried about you.
Hi, everybody.
You okay? Did you know that the woods were filled with wild animals from the zoo? Well, did you also know it was also filled with guards, and that's why we couldn't get this transmitter part to the underground? At least you're safe.
We'll have to send you out again.
Carter, did you say "we"? Yeah.
You went on the mission alone.
I know, but I picked up a friend.
HOGAN: Who? Come on out.
It's all right.
Carter, are you crazy? What'd you bring him back for? I just had to, Colonel.
He was so frightened out there in the woods, and he just ran over and took hold of my hand and wouldn't let go.
There were a lot of frightened animals out there.
You're telling me.
You should have seen the grizzly bear that wanted to come back with us.
He wasn't so easy to turn down.
I think it's a great idea he brought him back, sir.
He'll make a marvelous mascot.
Are you crazy, too? We can't keep a chimp in here.
Sir, I know all about chimpanzees.
I traveled with a circus.
I roomed with the Amazing Bloomingtons-- George and Freddy.
How does that make you an expert? Freddy was a chimp.
See that? I wouldn't mind betting his name's Freddy.
He probably thinks you're a long-lost relative.
Charming.
Here you go, then, Freddy, up on the bunk.
Hey, just a minute.
That's my bunk.
Oh, come on.
There's room for two of you.
You're both the same size.
You're the chimpanzee expert.
Let him sleep with you.
My pleasure, mate.
Hey, Freddy.
Come on over here.
This is my place.
Come on.
Nothing formal, mind you.
Sit down.
All right, everybody stand by for roll call.
All present, Schultz.
Take my word for it.
I have my orders from Commandant Klink himself.
There are 14 men in this barracks.
I would like to see 14 faces.
All right, be our guest.
One, two, three, four, five, six seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven Please, Colonel Hogan, tell me I didn't see what I just saw.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan Colonel Hogan, please tell me it is LeBeau who is holding my hand.
Come here, Freddy.
Come here.
Come here, buddy.
Oh, no! This time you went too far.
Oh, this, I have to report.
It would be worth my life.
How did he get in here? Well, he climbed over the fence to get away from the hunters.
Wouldn't you if you were a chimp? How can you ask a hippopotamus to think like a chimp? You want me to believe he went over the fence? Why don't you ask him? Remember, Freddy, just name, rank and serial number.
I'm going to ask the questions, if you don't mind.
Now, you, come here.
Now, you tell me Oh, no, that's too much.
Oh, I have to tell this one to the commandant.
NEWKIRK: Schultz look at that little face.
You can't turn him out among all those wild animals.
Look at him.
Yeah, we could use a fresh face in the barracks.
He's so funny.
All right, I shall do this.
But this time, I see nothing.
NEWKIRK: Thanks, Schultz.
Thanks, Schultz.
But don't let the commandant see the monkey.
Monkey, Schultz? Freddy is a chimpanzee.
He's very sensitive about that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Freddy.
( laughing ): I'm going to bring him a knockwurst.
Colonel, they've probably pulled those guards back.
Shall I go out again? Naw, if they had, Schultz would have mentioned it.
Well, we better try something, Colonel.
London says the underground needs that part for their transmitter desperately.
Yeah, I know, I know.
( sighs ) Well, I haven't thought of anything.
Have you, Freddy? It's a shame the Germans don't have a big game hunter like my cousin Emile.
Did he ever hunt in Africa? Yes.
He told me that one day, with one shot, he brought down the largest bull elephant in the Congo.
Wow.
The natives called him "the king of the bull.
" Wait a minute.
The Germans don't have a big game hunter.
Suppose we gave them one.
What good would that do? While our big game hunter is helping the guards, he can also make contact with the underground.
Hey, that's a smashing idea, but who have we got? The bull king's cousin.
So, Corporal LeBeau is really a big game hunter? That's right, sir.
In one day alone, he shot enough elephants for six baby grands, two uprights and a spinet.
Hogan, my men are perfectly able to handle the situation themselves.
Just wanted to offer a helping hand, sir.
That's very considerate of you, but these are well-trained German soldiers.
Mm-hmm.
If we can defeat the Russian bear, we certainly can defeat African lions.
Have you heard the score from Stalingrad lately? Bears: 30; Germans: nothing.
Hogan Take my word for it, Commandant, the lions are going to shut you out, too.
So the cockroach is really a big game hunter? That's right.
But why would a Frenchman volunteer to help Germans? He wants to get out of the barracks, get a little fresh air.
That the only reason? No.
After those animals finish gorging themselves on your guards, they may come in here for seconds.
Hogan, it is against regulations to give a gun to a prisoner.
Oh, come on, Commandant.
You're a good officer.
You know that sometimes you have to throw away the book.
Never! A good German officer always sticks by the book.
( lions roaring, elephants trumpeting in distance ) Just how good a shot is LeBeau? I assure you, Commandant, I am a fabulous shot.
You have nothing to worry about, sir.
They'll take care of the wild animals.
What do you mean, "they"? I thought you said LeBeau was the hunter.
He's my gun bearer.
Gun bearer? That's right.
You don't send a bwana out alone.
Bwana? That's Swahili for "I can get a leopard skin for you wholesale.
" It loses a little in the translation.
Oh, my wife would like to have a fur coat.
Take Schultz's order.
How about a nice grizzly bear skin? On her, it would look like a stole.
How about How about just shutting up? LeBeau, are you sure this is not a trick? If you have any doubts about my marksmanship, sir, I would be glad to demonstrate for you.
Mm-hmm, that's a good idea.
Check the gun, bearer.
Everything is in order, bwana.
Thank you.
See that box? KINK: Mm-hmm.
That's a charging rhinoceros.
Bwana, that pail down there is a leopard! Bwana, there's a big bull elephant coming by that sign! Guards! Guards! It's all right, Herr General, it's all right.
It's all right?! This prisoner has a gun.
You don't understand, sir-- he is a bwana.
He's a what? KLINK: He's a bwana.
Klink, you Dummkopf.
What is the meaning of all this? Corporal LeBeau is going out to help my guards hunt down the animals that escaped from the zoo.
You are sending out this man, a prisoner? Out there alone with a gun?! KLINK: Oh, no, sir.
He is his gun bearer.
I want to see you in your office immediately.
Yes, sir.
Why do I have to listen to you? Gun bearer Hey, what happened? Burkhalter showed up and killed the whole plan.
If anybody comes up with an idea how we get in touch with the underground, I'll be in my office.
Boy Howdy, Burkhalter was so mad, I think he's going to throw Klink to the lions.
Well, maybe one of us will just take his chances.
With all those guards roaming the woods, it would be a million to one.
Yeah, Kinch is right.
If one of us gets spotted with that radio part near the underground, you got a very good chance they might uncover the transmitter.
HOGAN: Newkirk! Now you've gone too far! How about that? KINCH: Newkirk, you're kidding.
CARTER: Where'd you get Freddy that outfit? I just took one of LeBeau's old fatigue suits.
Lengthened the trousers a bit, it was perfect.
( laughs ) Don't be so funny.
Didn't know you were that sensitive, LeBeau.
I am not sensitive about my height, but I don't like it that Freddy outranks me.
All right, all right.
We should be thinking about the mission.
I taught him to do a lot of tricks.
Watch now.
Freddy, that's enough sweeping.
What about making up the Colonel's bunk? That's marvelous.
Hey, that's enough of that.
Now, what about putting the water on for the coffee? We'll call you when the coffee is ready, Colonel.
You did a fine job! Very good, Freddy, now.
You know, I've got a great idea.
I'm going to send Freddy out through the tunnel, bring in a couple of his chums and we got it made.
We'll be the only prisoners of war with free live-in help.
Yeah, but if we're going to keep Freddy as a mascot, you better not have him working around the barracks here, because Klink's bound to see him.
Yeah, Carter is right.
Klink would have Freddy taken back to the zoo like a shot.
Newkirk, you better take Freddy down to the radio room until things cool off.
Right, sir.
I might even teach him how to work the radio, which would leave you available for other duties, Kinch.
( chuckling ) You know, hold it, hold it.
Newkirk, wait a minute.
Yes, sir? It might be better if Klink did see Freddy.
But Klink would send him back to the zoo.
That's right-- Sergeant Schultz could be his escort.
But then we'd lose our mascot.
We might lose a mascot, but the underground might gain a transmitter part.
Colonel Hogan you know all the prisoners are restricted to their quarters.
I just can't stay away from you.
The Kaiser in? He's on the telephone with General Burkhalter.
Planning the winter campaign for the eastern front? I think the general may send Colonel Klink there if he doesn't do something about those wild animals.
The whole town is complaining.
I'd better go in and brighten up his day.
Yes, General Burkhalter, I will do my utmost to round up those animals from the zoo.
But you see, it is the fault of the zookeeper.
We've never had an escape from my camp, only from the zoo.
What's that? Transfer me to the zoo? What a delightful sense of humor, General Burkhalter.
Either you're not laughing or we're having a bad connection.
Yes, sir, it will all be taken care of.
Heil Hitler.
Getting a little heat from Burkhalter, sir? What am I? A zookeeper or the head of a POW camp? He just doesn't understand my problems.
It's too easy for him to give orders, and he expects miracles.
General Burkhalter is so he's so German.
Exactly.
Hogan, please don't cause any more trouble.
It's enough for one day.
Actually, I'm here to show you we're helping you out, sir.
How is that? Got the men to volunteer to do some gardening around the camp.
Gardening? Your men are restricted to the barracks.
That's right-- thought it would look nice if we planted some daisies, forget-me-nots and buttercups around the camp.
I was not aware that you were such a nature lover.
Mm-hmm, we think it'll, uh it'll go a lot easier for you, sir-- you should be prepared.
Prepared for what? For the liberation.
When the Allies march in the front gate, it'll go a lot easier for you if you're standing there with a bouquet of pansies.
I'm not interested in your men doing any gardening.
Believe me, it'll make the place look real great, sir.
Here, just have a look.
Just order your men back to the barracks.
Aw, look, it's good for morale.
Look how happy they are out there digging and raking and Hogan, really, I Look.
Something the matter, sir? I'm going to have to ask for two weeks at a rest camp.
Really? It's no use kidding myself, Hogan, but the pressure of being number one is beginning to tell.
It is? You won't believe this, but, uh when I looked out the window, I I can't even tell you.
Go ahead, try me.
You sure you won't laugh? You have my word.
When I looked out that window, I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Well, if it'll make you feel better, sir, there is a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
That's what I thought.
Well, I need a rest.
What?! Yeah, he's the sergeant with the stripes.
His name is Freddy.
( chatters ) Bring that man in here! Really, Colonel, he's our mascot.
Hogan, there is nothing in the Geneva Convention that says that you can have a mascot.
Well, it's not our fault, sir.
He came wandering into camp from the zoo and we just sort of took him in the outfit.
Hogan, do you realize what General Burkhalter would say if he saw a chimpanzee working in the garden? It's a lot better than if he saw him lying in the sack goldbricking.
Well, I'm grateful that a lion didn't walk into your barracks.
Him I would let goldbrick.
You wanted to see us, sir? Yes.
Attention! Colonel, before you send Freddy back to the zoo, I'd like to plead his case.
Hogan, not another word out of you.
But if he was in the Hammelburg Zoo, he's a German.
You might say he's a civilian employee.
Well, then he should be shot for fraternizing with the prisoners.
How do we know he isn't a spy, sir? Good point.
He does look a lot like some of the Gestapo guys I've seen.
Hogan, I will not be diverted.
He goes back to the zoo, and that's final.
Freddy, you may not believe this, but this is the first case I've lost.
Hogan! All right.
When do you want Schultz to take him back? Immediately.
NEWKIRK: Uh, Colonel? Would it be possible just to have few minutes so that Freddy could say good-bye to his buddies? That's the least you can do, sir All right, say good-bye, but make it brief.
It'll be brief.
Pretty tough to talk when you're all choked up.
Calling Royal Navy 371.
This is Stalag 13.
Royal Navy 371 to Stalag 13.
Come in.
I have a message for London with some instructions that have to be relayed to the underground.
Righto, Colonel.
I'll contact London to stand by.
Colonel Wembley, we're getting some instructions for the underground from Stalag 13.
Well, that must mean they haven't delivered that transmitter part yet.
I've sewn the part in his pocket, sir.
Take him upstairs and stand by for Schultz to come.
Right, sir.
Come on, Freddy.
Royal Navy 371 to Stalag 13, we have London standing by.
What are your instructions? HOGAN: Tell London to inform the underground the pickup point for the radio part is the Hammelburg Zoo.
Your instructions are to inform the underground that the pickup of the spare part will be at the Hammelburg zoo.
At the zoo? Well, that could be quite dangerous.
Ask them why they insist on a rendezvous at the zoo.
Colonel Hogan, London wants to know why you insist on the zoo for the rendezvous point.
Because our courier is a chimpanzee.
We've had some transmission problem.
Would you repeat that message? Repeat: Our courier is a chimpanzee.
Chimpanzee? Chimpanzee? Chimpanzee? I thought we weren't giving our messages in code, sir.
Perhaps Hogan has forgotten that.
Would you look up "chimpanzee" in the code book, Sergeant? "Chimpanzee" is not part of code, sir.
I have no idea what the message is at all.
The chimpanzee will be wearing a fatigue uniform with sergeant's stripes and answers to the name of Freddy.
I've heard of Yankee ingenuity, but this is ridiculous.
NEWKIRK: I was going to make him a sports jacket, you know.
LeBEAU: You didn't find the material? Well, I couldn't find anything right.
Do you what I mean? CARTER: I think he looks better like this.
You really do? I think it's great.
Hey, let me take a look at you, then.
You're right handsome, you are.
What took so long, Colonel? Did you have any trouble with the transmission? No, but it wasn't easy convincing London that the man we're sending out is a chimp.
SCHULTZ: All right, all right.
Here's Schultz.
He's all set, Schultz.
What is he doing in that uniform? You can't take away his suit.
He's grown awfully fond of it, Schultz.
Yeah, you can't take that away from him.
It gets pretty cold in a cage.
Yeah, you wouldn't want anyone to see you walking down the street with a naked chimpanzee, would you? All right, he can keep his clothes on.
That's a good boy, Schultz.
You're okay.
Well, Freddy, my old mate, this is it.
I hope we meet again.
LeBEAU: Au revoir, mon pote.
CARTER: Bye, Freddy, good luck.
Freddy you're one of the great chimps of all time.
I feel terrible taking him away.
Maybe we could say he ran away and you could hide him here.
ALL: No, no, no We don't want to get you in trouble.
Now, you've got to do your duty.
Good-bye, Freddy.
Maybe you're right.
Come on, Freddy, come on.
You know, I'm going to miss the little fellow.
He'll always be a hero in my heart.
After the war, I think I'm going to recommend Freddy for a medal.
Yeah, the Legion of Merit with a peanut cluster.
Calling Royal Navy 371, come in, please.
Over.
Stalag 13, we've got a message from London for you.
Royal Navy 371, congratulate Hogan and his chaps.
We've just had word from the underground that they got that part for their transmitter from Sergeant Freddy.
The raid will take place as scheduled.
Pity we couldn't use the little fellow again.
He's one of the most reliable couriers we've had yet.
Thank you, Royal Navy 371.
Over and out.
Hey, Newkirk, where are you going? I thought I'd go up and take a look around the woods.
You know, make sure all the guards have left.
Oh, Schultz said they've captured all the animals and the guards are back.
You know old Schultz.
I just thought I'd, you know, like to take a look around meself.
That's a very good idea, Newkirk.
Go right ahead.
Right, sir.
Give my regards to Freddy, huh? Will do, sir.
Royal Navy 371, come in, please.
Over.
I wonder why we're having such trouble contacting the British sub.
Maybe they've stopped for tea.
I find that in very bad taste, old boy.
Royal Navy 371 calling Stalag 13.
Come in, Stalag 13.
Over.
Colonel Hogan here.
Glad you could read us.
We were getting worried when you didn't answer our call.
Nothing to worry about, old boy.
The Jerries have had a destroyer tracking us, but we've managed to give him the slip just in time for tea.
( explosions ) One lump, Willoughby, please.
Tell London I have a message for them.
Oh, righto.
Stand by.
Uh Royal Navy calling London G2.
Come in, London.
Colonel Wembley.
Yes, Sergeant.
We've just made contact with a sub.
They have a message from Stalag 13.
Well, that may be the message to say Hogan has made contact with the underground.
Go ahead, Royal Navy 371.
I'm in contact with London, Stalag 13.
Go ahead.
Tell London that our man Carter is delivering a spare part so the underground can repair their transmitter.
Hogan says his man Carter is now delivering that spare part to the underground.
Did you get that message, sir? Good show.
The underground needs that part for their transmitter desperately.
Oh, uh send along congratulations to Hogan and all his chaps.
I relayed your message to London, and G2 sends along his congratulations to all you chaps.
Thank you.
Over and out.
( bombs whistling ) ( explosions outside ) I hope you didn't build up their hopes.
That's some show the 8th Air Force is putting on.
They must be bombing that ball bearing factory outside of town.
Carter will get through.
He's got to get through.
The underground's going to radio London some German troop movements in time for a probing raid.
Sir, I'm not putting a knock on Carter-- you know I think he's a splendid fellow, and he did a marvelous job building that part for the transmitter-- but I just think you should have sent me out to deliver it to the underground.
Not at teatime, old boy.
( explosions ) ( P.
O.
W.
s shouting ) Carter should have been back by now.
Maybe he waited for the bombing to stop before he started back.
The air raid's been over two hours.
Want me to have a look around, Colonel? Let's give him a few more minutes.
SCHULTZ: Everybody restricted to the barracks.
Give me the ball.
Come on, come on, come on, give me the ball.
Give me the ball! Everybody restricted to the barracks.
You're not playing catch.
Come on, Schultz.
Not again.
Please don't Those are Commandant Klink's orders.
Give me the ball.
You're going to put me to trouble.
Please! Everybody restricted to the barracks.
Why are we all restricted, Schultz? Because there's a shortage of guards.
How many guards deserted this time? No German soldier ever deserts! I'd like to be in Switzerland with the sauerbraten concession, Schultz.
What happened to all the guards? They're in the woods, chasing lions and elephants and leopards and who knows what.
HOGAN: Schultz, I thought you didn't hit the schnapps when you're on duty.
No, it's true.
One of your bombers smashed and demolished the ball bearing factory next to the Hammelburg Zoo.
You mean to say the old zoo got hit and all those wild animals are running loose? The woods are full of them.
You should have volunteered for the hunt then, Schultz.
You could have gotten your wife a fur coat cheap.
They would like me to go in the woods with all those animals, huh? I happen to be an animal lover, and I think you'd make a great sit-down dinner for six lions.
Funny, funny.
Jolly joker.
Everybody's restricted to the barracks, and I'll come back for a roll call.
You understand? Now, back to the barracks.
Back, back, back.
Schnell! Mach schnell! Everybody back to the barracks.
Well, we got some great news.
The zoo got hit in the raid.
All the animals busted out of cages.
No kidding.
Yeah, let's hope that Carter got to the underground before the animals got loose.
Aah, this mission is too risky.
He should have been back an hour ago.
It's my fault.
What were you supposed to do, Colonel? Send him out with a whip and a chair? NEWKIRK: Andrew, where you been? We've been worried about you.
Hi, everybody.
You okay? Did you know that the woods were filled with wild animals from the zoo? Well, did you also know it was also filled with guards, and that's why we couldn't get this transmitter part to the underground? At least you're safe.
We'll have to send you out again.
Carter, did you say "we"? Yeah.
You went on the mission alone.
I know, but I picked up a friend.
HOGAN: Who? Come on out.
It's all right.
Carter, are you crazy? What'd you bring him back for? I just had to, Colonel.
He was so frightened out there in the woods, and he just ran over and took hold of my hand and wouldn't let go.
There were a lot of frightened animals out there.
You're telling me.
You should have seen the grizzly bear that wanted to come back with us.
He wasn't so easy to turn down.
I think it's a great idea he brought him back, sir.
He'll make a marvelous mascot.
Are you crazy, too? We can't keep a chimp in here.
Sir, I know all about chimpanzees.
I traveled with a circus.
I roomed with the Amazing Bloomingtons-- George and Freddy.
How does that make you an expert? Freddy was a chimp.
See that? I wouldn't mind betting his name's Freddy.
He probably thinks you're a long-lost relative.
Charming.
Here you go, then, Freddy, up on the bunk.
Hey, just a minute.
That's my bunk.
Oh, come on.
There's room for two of you.
You're both the same size.
You're the chimpanzee expert.
Let him sleep with you.
My pleasure, mate.
Hey, Freddy.
Come on over here.
This is my place.
Come on.
Nothing formal, mind you.
Sit down.
All right, everybody stand by for roll call.
All present, Schultz.
Take my word for it.
I have my orders from Commandant Klink himself.
There are 14 men in this barracks.
I would like to see 14 faces.
All right, be our guest.
One, two, three, four, five, six seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven Please, Colonel Hogan, tell me I didn't see what I just saw.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan Colonel Hogan, please tell me it is LeBeau who is holding my hand.
Come here, Freddy.
Come here.
Come here, buddy.
Oh, no! This time you went too far.
Oh, this, I have to report.
It would be worth my life.
How did he get in here? Well, he climbed over the fence to get away from the hunters.
Wouldn't you if you were a chimp? How can you ask a hippopotamus to think like a chimp? You want me to believe he went over the fence? Why don't you ask him? Remember, Freddy, just name, rank and serial number.
I'm going to ask the questions, if you don't mind.
Now, you, come here.
Now, you tell me Oh, no, that's too much.
Oh, I have to tell this one to the commandant.
NEWKIRK: Schultz look at that little face.
You can't turn him out among all those wild animals.
Look at him.
Yeah, we could use a fresh face in the barracks.
He's so funny.
All right, I shall do this.
But this time, I see nothing.
NEWKIRK: Thanks, Schultz.
Thanks, Schultz.
But don't let the commandant see the monkey.
Monkey, Schultz? Freddy is a chimpanzee.
He's very sensitive about that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Freddy.
( laughing ): I'm going to bring him a knockwurst.
Colonel, they've probably pulled those guards back.
Shall I go out again? Naw, if they had, Schultz would have mentioned it.
Well, we better try something, Colonel.
London says the underground needs that part for their transmitter desperately.
Yeah, I know, I know.
( sighs ) Well, I haven't thought of anything.
Have you, Freddy? It's a shame the Germans don't have a big game hunter like my cousin Emile.
Did he ever hunt in Africa? Yes.
He told me that one day, with one shot, he brought down the largest bull elephant in the Congo.
Wow.
The natives called him "the king of the bull.
" Wait a minute.
The Germans don't have a big game hunter.
Suppose we gave them one.
What good would that do? While our big game hunter is helping the guards, he can also make contact with the underground.
Hey, that's a smashing idea, but who have we got? The bull king's cousin.
So, Corporal LeBeau is really a big game hunter? That's right, sir.
In one day alone, he shot enough elephants for six baby grands, two uprights and a spinet.
Hogan, my men are perfectly able to handle the situation themselves.
Just wanted to offer a helping hand, sir.
That's very considerate of you, but these are well-trained German soldiers.
Mm-hmm.
If we can defeat the Russian bear, we certainly can defeat African lions.
Have you heard the score from Stalingrad lately? Bears: 30; Germans: nothing.
Hogan Take my word for it, Commandant, the lions are going to shut you out, too.
So the cockroach is really a big game hunter? That's right.
But why would a Frenchman volunteer to help Germans? He wants to get out of the barracks, get a little fresh air.
That the only reason? No.
After those animals finish gorging themselves on your guards, they may come in here for seconds.
Hogan, it is against regulations to give a gun to a prisoner.
Oh, come on, Commandant.
You're a good officer.
You know that sometimes you have to throw away the book.
Never! A good German officer always sticks by the book.
( lions roaring, elephants trumpeting in distance ) Just how good a shot is LeBeau? I assure you, Commandant, I am a fabulous shot.
You have nothing to worry about, sir.
They'll take care of the wild animals.
What do you mean, "they"? I thought you said LeBeau was the hunter.
He's my gun bearer.
Gun bearer? That's right.
You don't send a bwana out alone.
Bwana? That's Swahili for "I can get a leopard skin for you wholesale.
" It loses a little in the translation.
Oh, my wife would like to have a fur coat.
Take Schultz's order.
How about a nice grizzly bear skin? On her, it would look like a stole.
How about How about just shutting up? LeBeau, are you sure this is not a trick? If you have any doubts about my marksmanship, sir, I would be glad to demonstrate for you.
Mm-hmm, that's a good idea.
Check the gun, bearer.
Everything is in order, bwana.
Thank you.
See that box? KINK: Mm-hmm.
That's a charging rhinoceros.
Bwana, that pail down there is a leopard! Bwana, there's a big bull elephant coming by that sign! Guards! Guards! It's all right, Herr General, it's all right.
It's all right?! This prisoner has a gun.
You don't understand, sir-- he is a bwana.
He's a what? KLINK: He's a bwana.
Klink, you Dummkopf.
What is the meaning of all this? Corporal LeBeau is going out to help my guards hunt down the animals that escaped from the zoo.
You are sending out this man, a prisoner? Out there alone with a gun?! KLINK: Oh, no, sir.
He is his gun bearer.
I want to see you in your office immediately.
Yes, sir.
Why do I have to listen to you? Gun bearer Hey, what happened? Burkhalter showed up and killed the whole plan.
If anybody comes up with an idea how we get in touch with the underground, I'll be in my office.
Boy Howdy, Burkhalter was so mad, I think he's going to throw Klink to the lions.
Well, maybe one of us will just take his chances.
With all those guards roaming the woods, it would be a million to one.
Yeah, Kinch is right.
If one of us gets spotted with that radio part near the underground, you got a very good chance they might uncover the transmitter.
HOGAN: Newkirk! Now you've gone too far! How about that? KINCH: Newkirk, you're kidding.
CARTER: Where'd you get Freddy that outfit? I just took one of LeBeau's old fatigue suits.
Lengthened the trousers a bit, it was perfect.
( laughs ) Don't be so funny.
Didn't know you were that sensitive, LeBeau.
I am not sensitive about my height, but I don't like it that Freddy outranks me.
All right, all right.
We should be thinking about the mission.
I taught him to do a lot of tricks.
Watch now.
Freddy, that's enough sweeping.
What about making up the Colonel's bunk? That's marvelous.
Hey, that's enough of that.
Now, what about putting the water on for the coffee? We'll call you when the coffee is ready, Colonel.
You did a fine job! Very good, Freddy, now.
You know, I've got a great idea.
I'm going to send Freddy out through the tunnel, bring in a couple of his chums and we got it made.
We'll be the only prisoners of war with free live-in help.
Yeah, but if we're going to keep Freddy as a mascot, you better not have him working around the barracks here, because Klink's bound to see him.
Yeah, Carter is right.
Klink would have Freddy taken back to the zoo like a shot.
Newkirk, you better take Freddy down to the radio room until things cool off.
Right, sir.
I might even teach him how to work the radio, which would leave you available for other duties, Kinch.
( chuckling ) You know, hold it, hold it.
Newkirk, wait a minute.
Yes, sir? It might be better if Klink did see Freddy.
But Klink would send him back to the zoo.
That's right-- Sergeant Schultz could be his escort.
But then we'd lose our mascot.
We might lose a mascot, but the underground might gain a transmitter part.
Colonel Hogan you know all the prisoners are restricted to their quarters.
I just can't stay away from you.
The Kaiser in? He's on the telephone with General Burkhalter.
Planning the winter campaign for the eastern front? I think the general may send Colonel Klink there if he doesn't do something about those wild animals.
The whole town is complaining.
I'd better go in and brighten up his day.
Yes, General Burkhalter, I will do my utmost to round up those animals from the zoo.
But you see, it is the fault of the zookeeper.
We've never had an escape from my camp, only from the zoo.
What's that? Transfer me to the zoo? What a delightful sense of humor, General Burkhalter.
Either you're not laughing or we're having a bad connection.
Yes, sir, it will all be taken care of.
Heil Hitler.
Getting a little heat from Burkhalter, sir? What am I? A zookeeper or the head of a POW camp? He just doesn't understand my problems.
It's too easy for him to give orders, and he expects miracles.
General Burkhalter is so he's so German.
Exactly.
Hogan, please don't cause any more trouble.
It's enough for one day.
Actually, I'm here to show you we're helping you out, sir.
How is that? Got the men to volunteer to do some gardening around the camp.
Gardening? Your men are restricted to the barracks.
That's right-- thought it would look nice if we planted some daisies, forget-me-nots and buttercups around the camp.
I was not aware that you were such a nature lover.
Mm-hmm, we think it'll, uh it'll go a lot easier for you, sir-- you should be prepared.
Prepared for what? For the liberation.
When the Allies march in the front gate, it'll go a lot easier for you if you're standing there with a bouquet of pansies.
I'm not interested in your men doing any gardening.
Believe me, it'll make the place look real great, sir.
Here, just have a look.
Just order your men back to the barracks.
Aw, look, it's good for morale.
Look how happy they are out there digging and raking and Hogan, really, I Look.
Something the matter, sir? I'm going to have to ask for two weeks at a rest camp.
Really? It's no use kidding myself, Hogan, but the pressure of being number one is beginning to tell.
It is? You won't believe this, but, uh when I looked out the window, I I can't even tell you.
Go ahead, try me.
You sure you won't laugh? You have my word.
When I looked out that window, I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
Well, if it'll make you feel better, sir, there is a chimpanzee raking in the garden.
That's what I thought.
Well, I need a rest.
What?! Yeah, he's the sergeant with the stripes.
His name is Freddy.
( chatters ) Bring that man in here! Really, Colonel, he's our mascot.
Hogan, there is nothing in the Geneva Convention that says that you can have a mascot.
Well, it's not our fault, sir.
He came wandering into camp from the zoo and we just sort of took him in the outfit.
Hogan, do you realize what General Burkhalter would say if he saw a chimpanzee working in the garden? It's a lot better than if he saw him lying in the sack goldbricking.
Well, I'm grateful that a lion didn't walk into your barracks.
Him I would let goldbrick.
You wanted to see us, sir? Yes.
Attention! Colonel, before you send Freddy back to the zoo, I'd like to plead his case.
Hogan, not another word out of you.
But if he was in the Hammelburg Zoo, he's a German.
You might say he's a civilian employee.
Well, then he should be shot for fraternizing with the prisoners.
How do we know he isn't a spy, sir? Good point.
He does look a lot like some of the Gestapo guys I've seen.
Hogan, I will not be diverted.
He goes back to the zoo, and that's final.
Freddy, you may not believe this, but this is the first case I've lost.
Hogan! All right.
When do you want Schultz to take him back? Immediately.
NEWKIRK: Uh, Colonel? Would it be possible just to have few minutes so that Freddy could say good-bye to his buddies? That's the least you can do, sir All right, say good-bye, but make it brief.
It'll be brief.
Pretty tough to talk when you're all choked up.
Calling Royal Navy 371.
This is Stalag 13.
Royal Navy 371 to Stalag 13.
Come in.
I have a message for London with some instructions that have to be relayed to the underground.
Righto, Colonel.
I'll contact London to stand by.
Colonel Wembley, we're getting some instructions for the underground from Stalag 13.
Well, that must mean they haven't delivered that transmitter part yet.
I've sewn the part in his pocket, sir.
Take him upstairs and stand by for Schultz to come.
Right, sir.
Come on, Freddy.
Royal Navy 371 to Stalag 13, we have London standing by.
What are your instructions? HOGAN: Tell London to inform the underground the pickup point for the radio part is the Hammelburg Zoo.
Your instructions are to inform the underground that the pickup of the spare part will be at the Hammelburg zoo.
At the zoo? Well, that could be quite dangerous.
Ask them why they insist on a rendezvous at the zoo.
Colonel Hogan, London wants to know why you insist on the zoo for the rendezvous point.
Because our courier is a chimpanzee.
We've had some transmission problem.
Would you repeat that message? Repeat: Our courier is a chimpanzee.
Chimpanzee? Chimpanzee? Chimpanzee? I thought we weren't giving our messages in code, sir.
Perhaps Hogan has forgotten that.
Would you look up "chimpanzee" in the code book, Sergeant? "Chimpanzee" is not part of code, sir.
I have no idea what the message is at all.
The chimpanzee will be wearing a fatigue uniform with sergeant's stripes and answers to the name of Freddy.
I've heard of Yankee ingenuity, but this is ridiculous.
NEWKIRK: I was going to make him a sports jacket, you know.
LeBEAU: You didn't find the material? Well, I couldn't find anything right.
Do you what I mean? CARTER: I think he looks better like this.
You really do? I think it's great.
Hey, let me take a look at you, then.
You're right handsome, you are.
What took so long, Colonel? Did you have any trouble with the transmission? No, but it wasn't easy convincing London that the man we're sending out is a chimp.
SCHULTZ: All right, all right.
Here's Schultz.
He's all set, Schultz.
What is he doing in that uniform? You can't take away his suit.
He's grown awfully fond of it, Schultz.
Yeah, you can't take that away from him.
It gets pretty cold in a cage.
Yeah, you wouldn't want anyone to see you walking down the street with a naked chimpanzee, would you? All right, he can keep his clothes on.
That's a good boy, Schultz.
You're okay.
Well, Freddy, my old mate, this is it.
I hope we meet again.
LeBEAU: Au revoir, mon pote.
CARTER: Bye, Freddy, good luck.
Freddy you're one of the great chimps of all time.
I feel terrible taking him away.
Maybe we could say he ran away and you could hide him here.
ALL: No, no, no We don't want to get you in trouble.
Now, you've got to do your duty.
Good-bye, Freddy.
Maybe you're right.
Come on, Freddy, come on.
You know, I'm going to miss the little fellow.
He'll always be a hero in my heart.
After the war, I think I'm going to recommend Freddy for a medal.
Yeah, the Legion of Merit with a peanut cluster.
Calling Royal Navy 371, come in, please.
Over.
Stalag 13, we've got a message from London for you.
Royal Navy 371, congratulate Hogan and his chaps.
We've just had word from the underground that they got that part for their transmitter from Sergeant Freddy.
The raid will take place as scheduled.
Pity we couldn't use the little fellow again.
He's one of the most reliable couriers we've had yet.
Thank you, Royal Navy 371.
Over and out.
Hey, Newkirk, where are you going? I thought I'd go up and take a look around the woods.
You know, make sure all the guards have left.
Oh, Schultz said they've captured all the animals and the guards are back.
You know old Schultz.
I just thought I'd, you know, like to take a look around meself.
That's a very good idea, Newkirk.
Go right ahead.
Right, sir.
Give my regards to Freddy, huh? Will do, sir.