I Love Lucy (1951) s03e29 Episode Script

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Well, the baby's sound asleep.
I'll get Mrs.
Trumbull.
We can go to the movies.
Where are the fellas? Out in the hall.
Playing golf again? Yeah.
They're practicing chip shots, whatever they are.
Oh, dear.
I was hoping we could get out of here before they started that.
Golf, golf, golf- that's all they think about anymore.
It's all your fault.
My fault? Yes.
If you hadn't gotten those clubs for Ricky for his anniversary present, they never would have taken it up.
You're right.
I wanted to find him a hobby.
If I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have gotten him an embroidery set.
Well, I'll put an end to this.
Fellas! Oh! Watch out what you're doing! Oh, I'm sorry.
What are you trying to do? It's only a Ping-Pong ball.
Well, come on now, we're gonna go to the movies.
Well, it'd better be a good picture.
Marriage certainly does strange things to a man.
This is the same man who used to say, "Who cares about the picture? Let's just sit in the balcony and smooch.
" Never mind.
I know just how you feel, Lucy.
Oh, now, Ethel.
It's true, Fred.
It's been years since we sat in a movie with your arm around my waist.
It's been years since my arm reached around your waist.
Oh Well, let's face it, Ethel.
We're not exciting anymore.
Golf is.
Ah, Honey, it's not that.
It's that we're playing in our first tournament this week.
Yeah.
National Golf Day.
And we just want to be good, that's all.
Yeah, well, right now we're going to the movies.
Now, put those clubs away.
All right.
Rick, tomorrow I'll start working on that back-with- the-right-hip-first thing.
Yeah what do you mean right hip first? Left hip.
How can you start back with the left hip when it's way around here? Oh, now, look, Fred.
Come here, would you? I'll watch.
Look.
I'll watch.
Now, address the ball, right? Yes.
Now your weight is divided evenly, right? Yes.
All right, go back now.
Ricky.
Fred.
See? Ricky! Fred! Now, there's the Now, just a minute.
Will you relax? This is very important.
That's it.
Gin.
Oh What's the score? FRED: Yeah, I got it now.
RICKY: You got it? FRED: I know what you mean now.
RICKY: All right.
Honestly, this is disgraceful.
Gee, it's too bad.
It was such a good picture, too.
You know, we're gonna have to do something about this golf business.
What do you have in mind? Well, we could fight hobby with hobby.
We could get interested in something and drive them crazy.
Good.
Now, what'll it be? How about men? I mean a game we can play.
Something we can talk about all the time and practice around the house.
Let's see, tennis bowling swimming? Catch on to your putting grip, see? Well, I don't think that the grip (whistle blowing) FRED: What Foul, foul, foul! (whistle blowing) What is this?! It's our new hobby, basketball.
(whistle blowing) Jump ball.
All right.
(whistle blowing) (whistle blowing) Right over here.
Oh, no, you don't! Now, wait a minute.
Now, just a minute.
If you don't mind, would you tell me what's going on here? Uh well, we decided to take up a sport.
Yeah, you know one to occupy all our time.
One that we can practice all day and talk about all night.
Until everybody's bored to tears.
Well, I think that that is a splendid idea.
Now that you have your own sport, you will realize why we like golf so much.
That makes it work out perfectly.
Sure.
Now, let's go over to your apartment and practice that putting that you were talking about.
All right.
So long, bloomer girls.
Time-in! Well, the game's over and we lost.
Should we turn in our suits and go to the showers? I guess so.
Well, maybe we should have taken up golf.
At least we'd get to see them once in a while.
Yeah.
Hey, why not? Why not what? Why not take up golf? Fred and Ricky are just starting to play.
They won't mind us being beginners, too.
Oh, Ethel, I don't know.
Oh, now, it's just perfect.
There're two of us and two of them.
We'll make a a foursome.
I have an idea this is one time that two and two will not make four.
Oh, now, Lucy, I've heard them say dozens of times how hard it is to get up a foursome.
Gee, that's right.
We'd really be doing them a favor.
Sure we would.
All right, I'll go tell them the good news.
All right.
Yeah? Lucy.
Yeah? Where's my golf book? On-on the mantle.
Oh, thank you.
Here, Fred.
Uh, we We have something Oh? to tell you.
Something that's going to surprise you, please you.
Yeah.
We're going to give up basketball.
Oh.
Here's the rule, Fred.
LUCY: We're going to take up golf.
Isn't that wonderful? Now you won't have any trouble getting up a foursome.
Well, uh, uh, uh you-you-you can't play golf with us.
No.
Why not? Well, uh Why not, Fred? It's against the law? It is not.
Well, uh, uh Mamie doesn't play.
LUCY: Oh Then it's all settled.
We're gonna play golf.
Yeah, and you and Fred can teach us.
That way, we can play and learn at the same time.
LUCY: Won't that be fun? Hey, Rick, that's a pretty good-looking swing.
Oh, I can hit little pieces of cellophane and dandelions all day long.
You put a ball in front of me, that's when I freeze up.
You'll get (chuckling) Where are the girls? Oh, you know how they are.
Takes them a long time to change clothes.
They're only changing shoes.
Yeah, you know something? We might have made a terrible mistake, teaching our wives how to play golf.
Oh, everything will work out all right, you know.
They'll, they'll play with us for a couple of days.
They won't be any good and they'll, they'll get discouraged and they'll quit.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, supposing they don't get discouraged? Supposing they like it real well and get good at it? Then what are we gonna do? Then we'll kill ourselves.
I'm with you.
Hey, you know, maybe you're right.
Yeah.
Maybe they will like it.
Uh-huh.
Maybe they won't want to quit.
Uh-huh.
We got to protect ourselves.
But how? Well, they don't know anything about this game, do they? I don't think so.
Anything that we tell them, they'll believe, right? I think so.
Well, suppose that we make up a game that is so complicated and so confusing that they'll want to quit? We can make up our own rules.
(chortling): There's an idea! (chuckling): I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
All right.
(Lucy and Ethel whooping) Here they come.
Now, look.
Just-just go along with whatever I do and say, and if you think of something good, throw it in.
I'm with you.
Okay.
Hi! Hi, kids! Hiya.
Hiya.
Gee, is it beautiful out here.
Isn't it nice? No wonder you want to play golf all the time.
Oh, the air smells so fresh and so clean out here, I'm gonna like golf.
Gee, I'm gonna make a baby- sitting deal with Mrs.
Trumbull, then we can play every day.
ETHEL: Sure! Well, let's get started.
Uh, yeah.
Put your clubs right on there, honey.
Okay.
Get ready now.
Put them right on that bench, Ethel.
That's right.
Are you ready, everybody? Yeah.
Fred? (grunts) Lucy.
What's this for? Ethel.
To see who goes first.
Oh.
Well, Lucy goes first.
How do you figure that? Uh the fourth one down from the top goes first.
Oh.
That's right.
Well, well, what club do I use? What are you saying? What club do I use? What club? Uh let me see now.
What club? Um Uh I think a stymie would be right, don't you, Fred? Yeah, unless she wants to use a niblick.
A niblick.
That sounds like something you made up.
Huh.
I'll use a stymie, dear.
RICKY: Good.
Good.
Which one is it? Uh that's a stymie right there.
Okay.
Now don't get Uh-huh.
in their way.
Give her plenty of room now.
Give her plenty of room.
All right.
Where's the ball? Oh, honey honey, if you don't know how to hold the club, why didn't you ask me? Oh, well, I That's what we're here for- to teach you.
Well, I didn't want to appear too ignorant.
Oh, that's all right, honey.
You'll be doing all right.
Now, look, I'll show you.
See, put your club right here, like this.
Now get your hands here.
Now, interlock all your fingers like that, see? Now, fold your thumbs under.
Now, go ahead and grip the club.
That's right.
Huh? Ninth grip, yes.
Feels kind of uncomfortable.
You sure it's right? Well, it's uncomfortable for everybody at first, but you'll get used to it.
Sure, yeah.
Okay, where's the ball? Oh, yes, I'll get your ball.
Here.
Oh, Fred, I don't have any divots.
Have you got a divot with you? Oh, is that what a divot is? That's a divot, yeah.
Oh.
Now, there you go.
There.
Like so.
Now, go ahead.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! What's the matter? She forgot to say "May I?" Oh.
I didn't know.
Well, now, look, honey, as long as you're going to play the game, you might as well learn it correctly from the very beginning.
Yeah, I want to learn the right way.
All right, now, when you forget to say "may I", before you hit the ball, it's a penalty.
Oh.
You lose ten points and you have to take one giant step forward with your right leg only.
One giant step forward, right-right leg only.
Right.
Now hit the ball.
Very good! Was that good? That's her first time out.
She'll be a champion.
Oh, really? Go ahead, hit it again, honey.
Hit it again.
Yes, sir.
Hit it again.
Oh, I got to get the grip.
RICKY: Yeah.
Come on.
That's getting to look better.
One Now, don't look at the ball, honey.
Keep your eyes on the fairway.
Don't look at the ball.
RICKY: Two.
That's good.
Three! That's a dormie.
A dormie? A dormie, yeah.
Now you get to pick up the ball and throw it down the fairway under your left leg.
Oh, that's a cinch.
Very good.
Oh, that's very good.
Now it's your turn, Ethel.
My turn.
My turn.
I'll get your club.
Okay.
All right.
I hope I'm as good as you were.
It's, it's not hard at all, really.
Here, I'll show you how I know how.
I watched her.
Oh, excuse me.
That's right, that's right.
She knows.
That's the grip, yeah.
Give me the ball.
Oh, yes, I forgot.
(grunting): There you are.
(chuckling) May I? Yeah.
Be my guest.
Uh-uh-uh-uh, no, no, no, no, no.
What did I do? Why, you can't do a normal stymie after your partner has dormied.
ETHEL: Oh, I can't? (grumbling) What's the matter with you? Are you trying to get us thrown off the golf course? Well, I didn't know.
Ricky.
Yes, sir.
Permission to shoot out of turn, please.
Permission granted.
Thank you.
Let me show you how to make the shot.
(imitating bird whistling) What was that? A birdie.
Oh! A birdie.
Okay, a birdie.
Give me another ball.
All right.
Here you are.
Birdie.
I've heard about birdies.
RICKY: Yeah, you heard about it.
That's right.
(imitating bird whistling) One, two, three Kick it, Ethel! Kick it?! Kick the ball, yeah.
Four, five If he gets to ten, you're out.
Now kick it, kick it.
Oh, I kick it! I kick it! (shouting) She kicked it! Now it's your turn, Rick.
My turn? Yes.
What are you talking about? She kicked the ball before I counted to ten, so I don't get to drive in this hole.
Oh, that's right.
Now, let's see, uh Lucy shot first, and her ball went farther down the fairway than the third player's ball.
Yeah.
So, Lucy gets to carry all the bags! FRED: That's right.
You mean I won? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, wonderful! We'll see you down the fairway.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, Ethel.
Hurry up, Lucy.
Hurry up, honey.
I am.
Hurry up now.
Yeah, I will.
RICKY: Hurry up! I'm hurrying.
They're doing fine, aren't they? I should say they are.
Come on, girls, hurry up! They approach very well.
I'll say they do.
That's it.
That's it.
Fine.
That's it.
That's it.
LUCY: Oh, well, how did we do? Well, it only took us one hour and a half to get to the first green.
Well, that ought to be some kind of a record.
I would say so, yeah, yeah.
Now what do we do? Well, now we all putt our balls into the little cup here.
Yeah.
Oh? Uh-oh! What's the matter? Lucy's ball is not on the green.
Oh, is that my ball? Uh-uh-uh-uh! Never, never, never touch your ball unless it's a dormie.
Oh, well, I didn't know.
Well, I'm sorry, but you get a mashie for a penalty.
What's a mashie? This is a mashie.
That's a mashie? That's a mashie, yeah.
Now we all putt our balls into the cup.
All right.
Now, here's your putter.
Here's your putter, Ethel.
Where's my ball? There's your ball Right there.
in the corner.
Place the flag down here.
Rick? Yeah? Do we all go at once? Yeah, yeah, we all go at once.
Sure, that's the reason they say this game is so much like hockey.
That's right, yeah.
Now, you see, uh the idea of putting here is that you try to get your ball in the cup and at the same time, you try to keep the other players' ball from getting into the cup.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, I'll count to three and we all go.
All right.
Are you ready? Yup.
One, two, three.
ETHEL (laughing): That's mine.
That's mine.
That's mine.
Hurry up.
I got mine in! I got mine in! Well, that's wonderful! I told you she'd be a champ.
Yeah.
Do I win? Yes, sir! So you get to carry all the bags again.
We'll see you at the next tee.
FRED: Hurry up, now, Lucy.
RICKY: Hurry up.
I won.
Come on, girl, come on.
Up in the air, up in the air.
That's enough.
Gee, that's some penalty just because I hit my ball farther than Fred did.
We told them we wanted to learn to play right.
What are you complaining about? I had to carry the bags.
I wonder where the fellows are.
I haven't seen them since Fred hit his ball into the woods.
(sighs) Well, how many strokes did you take on that hole? Six.
Lucy.
Well, 26.
What's the difference? How many did you take? Thirty.
Yeah.
I'll just put down seven for each of us.
I wonder what the penalty is for that.
I think while I'm waiting, I'll practice that stroke Ricky was ready to teach me.
Which one? You know, the one that you use when you're between 47 and 63 yards from the green.
The "hop, skip and a jump" shot.
(groaning) This grip's beginning to feel a lot better.
Hello.
Hi.
Hello.
Uh, you mind if I go through? Go through what? Well, I was, uh, behind you and playing by myself and, uh Oh, you want to join us.
Oh, sure.
I'm Lucy Ricardo and this is Ethel Mertz.
What's your name? I'm Jimmy Demaret.
Jimmy Demaret?! Oh, for heaven's sake, we've heard so much about you.
Listen, we're just, ju-just learning.
You sure you won't mind playing with us? Oh, uh, not at all.
Oh, well, fine, then.
Let's get started.
Let's see who goes first.
Oh, uh, ladies always first.
Oh, no, no.
We have to choose up.
Here you are, Jim.
Come on.
You go first, Jim.
You're second from the top.
Uh-uh-uh.
You didn't say, "May I?" "May I?" Too late now.
That'll cost you ten points.
Yeah, with all of your experience, I'm surprised at you.
Well, go ahead.
Well, that was pretty dull.
What was that? Stand there and hit the ball- anybody could do that.
I thought at least you were gonna use an over-the-shoulder, left-handed whirling stymie, didn't you? Well Hey you lost another ten points.
Your ball missed the sand trap completely and landed right on the green.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, better luck next time.
You show him how to do it, Lucy.
Okay.
Dormie! Dormie! Dormie! Yeah, yeah, yeah, dormie, dormie.
(laughing) Boy, you're getting good.
Okay.
Don't you think she's wonderful? She just learned how to play today.
Ladies, are you sure you're playing golf? Sure.
Well, who taught you to play like that? Our husbands taught us.
Yeah.
You mean this "choose upside" and "may I" and "hop, skip and a jump" business? Yeah.
Isn't that the way you play? Well, uh not exactly.
Well, for heaven's sake.
There's a rotten Cuban in Denmark.
And he's got a fat friend.
What a dirty trick.
Would I like to get even with them.
Oh, I can see us playing leapfrog up there.
No wonder they No wonder Oh A hundred people watching us! Oh, Lucy.
I know how we can get even with them.
They're in that big tournament tomorrow.
That's our big chance.
Yeah? Jimmy, will you help us? May I? You certainly may.
Here's what we Ladies and gentlemen, the next threesome on the tee will be amateurs Ricky Ricardo and Fred Mertz of New York City, and from the Concord Hotel at Lake Kiamesha, New York, three times winner of the Masters at Augusta, Georgia, Jimmy Demaret.
(applause) Did you hear who we're playing with? Boy, did I- Jimmy Demaret.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
I won't be able to play at all in front of him.
Oh, he'll know we're just beginners.
He had to start himself, you know.
No need in being nervous.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I just hope I remember the rules after that silly game we played with the wives.
Yeah.
That was kind of nasty, wasn't it? Now, don't knock it.
At least we got rid of them.
Yeah.
Isn't that Jimmy Demaret? Yeah.
Oh, please, please.
Just let me hit the ball.
I don't care where it goes.
Just let me hit it.
Hello.
Hello, Mr.
Demaret.
I'm Ricky Ricardo, and this is Fred Mertz.
Nice to see you both.
Hi, Jimmy.
Sure.
A great pleasure and an honor playing with you, sir.
Well, it's my pleasure.
Thank you.
Our caddies are not here yet.
They said that there was some, uh something A couple of caddies got sick and they had to replace them.
I think these are your caddies coming here now.
RICKY: Oh, I see.
What are you doing here? What is this? We're your caddies.
Yup.
Well, are you all ready? Shall we go? Yup.
Step aside, bud.
Got to pick Mr.
Ricardo's club.
Yeah, this is the one, bub.
If you don't mind, I'll use this.
Now, Lucy, I don't know what you're doing, but whatever it is, do it later.
You know who we're playing with? Who? Jimmy Demaret.
Jimmy Demaret?! (mouthing words) Who's he? Just a minute, chum.
Better tell you how to play this hole.
Think you ought to use the old hop, skip and a jump, huh? No.
I think you ought to take three giant steps and kick the bogie.
Ethel, come back here.
Mashie! He touched it.
Mashie! You crazy or something? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Demaret.
(stammering): I-I-I It's It's some kind of a joke or something.
I assure you, it will never happen again.
That's all right.
That's all right.
Will it, dear? Eh.
(fingers snapping) May I? Yay! Attaboy, Jimmy! Why, Jimmy, you were in it all the time.
He was in it all the time.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The caddy was George Pirrone, the tournament chairman was Louis Nicoletti, and Jimmy Demaret portrayed himself.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.