Melissa & Joey s03e29 Episode Script

"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
All right, mixing up a pitcher of your dad's favorite drink.
I hope it's the way that he likes it.
The way he likes it is served in a stripper's navel.
That's too bad.
All of our strippers are in the dishwasher.
Do me a favor.
Take a little sip of that and tell me if it's good.
Whoa, slow down! What are you doing?! Mentally preparing for my father's visit.
I don't understand what you're so nervous about.
Your dad's proud of you that you're running for State Senate.
Not to mention, for a change, he's actually being supportive.
Well, I'm not nervous about the announcement.
I'm nervous about something I haven't told him.
Oh, come on, baby.
You can tell me.
- What are you so nervous about? - Oh, nothing.
You know, just when he gets here, don't do that.
And, um Don't call me "baby.
" Wait a minute.
You haven't told your father about us.
He's always been super critical of the men I date.
I mean, the ones who were long-term.
You know, who made it till morning.
Morning, yeah, that's an impressive milestone - for any relationship.
My dad's a little tricky, so let me wait till the right moment to tell him, okay? When he's in a receptive mood, I will definitely ease him into it, like a warm bath.
Pumpkin, give me a hug! Joe's my boyfriend! There's nothing you can do about it! Hey, Russell, what's up? Sync & Corrections by Darcade Look, Joe and I never thought this would happen.
It really just kinda crept up on us.
Yeah, it was a total surprise.
Honestly, never in a million years that I think I would end up with, uh This one.
- Okay, too far.
- It was okay.
Well, it's not exactly a shocker.
Frankly, I thought you'd been tipping the help since day one.
Wait wait wait.
You thought Joe and I were already a thing? Why else would you hire this fine-looking yet totally unqualified young buck to look after my grandchildren? Thank you, Russell.
That was like 60% compliment.
Well, I don't care what you think about my relationship, because I am a fully-grown, Who looks 28.
All kidding aside, Mel, I think you got yourself a good man.
You do? You really do? Aw.
Thank you, Daddy.
Oh, you know, if you were to leave right now, this would be the perfect visit.
I have to say, honey, dinner tonight with your father was actually tolerable.
Yeah, you're right.
He was sweet, polite, restrained Something's wrong.
What are you doing? Um, looking up the symptoms of late-stage syphilis.
Honey, I think he just has early-stage getting old.
You know, sometimes when guys get a little older, certain levels start to drop, and the old lion becomes less concerned with taking down the gazelle, and is happy to just sit in the sun and see how well his progeny are doing.
Have you been watching "The Lion King" again? There's a lot of deep stuff in there.
Just 'cause it's a cartoon doesn't mean it's not scientifically accurate.
So my history teacher was telling me that there's a secret bunker under the capitol building for the Senators, in case the world ends.
Well, your history teacher shouldn't be making ridiculous claims But, yes, it's there.
It's got everything you need for rebuilding civilization.
Booze and fertile young ladies.
I'm kidding.
Orrin Hatch made us get rid of the booze.
We had some great parties down there.
I sure do miss my Senate days.
Ahh, it's reassuring to know that after the apocalypse our sexist way of life will continue.
- Isn't it? - Okay, Dad, I really need to talk to you about a couple things about my State Senate campaign.
Oh, I just forgot.
I don't wanna be bored.
Okay.
Good night, Grandpa.
How rude is he?! You know what? I'm gonna go talk to him about that, and if it means I miss out on this, well My loss.
Okay, so I got some good news.
The Governor's office called, and they said they might be able to have him on the platform with me when I announce my candidacy.
Well, let me call him right now and we will nail this baby down.
Wow, look at that phone, huh? You know, Russ, when you're done with that, I'm sure the Smithsonian would love to have it.
Laugh if you must, but this old workhorse has stood by me since 1997.
If you wanna really help Mel's campaign out, you're gonna need a phone that sends out tweets and Instagram photos.
Whoa whoa whoa.
Slow down there, Bill Gates.
My brand is pressing the flesh.
Speaking of which, with Mel down in Columbus five days a week, how are you two gonna be - Pressing the flesh? - Dad! Ohh, honey, come on.
I'm not just talking about sugar time.
I mean the the whole relationship.
How are you two gonna manage that? Well, um You you know, we actually hadn't talked about that yet.
You'd really be gone five days a week? You know, when I was first in the legislature, I was there seven days a week.
Somehow, though, I made it work.
Yeah yeah, Mom drank herself into an early facelift and, uh, you chased women.
Didn't have to chase 'em.
I guarantee you, Russ, Mel and I are gonna be working it out a lot differently than that.
Yeah yeah, of course you will.
Hey, you know what, Joe? You could tag along with Mel down to Columbus.
No, I can't be tagging along anywhere.
I'm in the middle of building a business here in Toledo.
Yeah, but I would have to be in Columbus practically full-time.
Hey, you know what? This might be a positive.
All that time apart Might help keep the mystery alive.
Like, "why isn't she answering her phone?" Or "who's he with tonight?" You know I'm just messing with you? Oh, why so serious? Ooh! Lennox, Lennox, Lennox.
Can you please come in here just for a minute? - Please? - What? What is it? Okay, so I need to come up with a business idea for the entrepreneur's club tomorrow.
Oh, uh, hang on.
I'm gonna go see if I can find someone who cares.
Wait wait wait wait.
This is important, okay? Joe says that I need something that looks good on my high school transcripts.
Colleges mainly look at your grades.
That's why I need something else.
So the first idea A big foam ball, okay? With a slot in it, so you can stick your phone inside the slot, so if you drop it, it'll bounce right back up to you.
How are you supposed to put it in your pocket? I got another one This is a big foam ball that you can put your drink in.
Next.
Okay.
This one is, uh it's a pencil with an attachment on the end that allows you to put a carrot on.
It's like a healthy alternative for people who chew their erasers.
I like it.
- Really? - Yeah.
But only if you can stick it in a big foam ball.
That's the last time I ask for your advice.
Promise? Okay, Russell, so All your contacts from your old phone are now in your new phone.
Joseph, I'm still not seeing why this is such a big improvement over my flip phone.
Yeah, and I miss my beeper.
Life goes on, man.
I mean, come on.
If you're gonna be heading down to Mel's campaign headquarters, what, are you gonna take out your flip phone and call everybody one by one and let 'em know you're going down there? Or are you gonna take a selfie and let the whole world know you're going down there Instantly? A selfie? It's a picture of yourself.
Oh! 'Cause doing a selfie meant something different in my day.
All right, let's try taking one right now, 'kay? Okay.
Now, the key to a quality selfie is maximum arm extension, okay? That explains why your arms are so shapely.
I'm just saying.
Here we go.
Smile.
Boom.
All right.
Russell, what can I do for you? What? Yeah, press that button right there and tell her to "send picture to Mel.
" - Tell who? - Sissy.
You know, like "assistant.
" That's your new digital secretary right there.
Go on, press the button and tell her.
Sissy, send that picture to Mel.
Right away.
And might I add: Nicely composed shot.
Well, thank you, little lady.
Although it was mostly Joe.
Oh, man! You're just messing with me, right? Welcome to the modern world, Russell.
So I just say it, and she does it? Your ideal woman, huh? Wow, Dad.
I am impressed.
You already learned how to e-mail a photo? She got our picture! I didn't even press a button! That is amazing! It's in I'm gonna have so much fun with this thing! Hey, are you still there, darlin'? Do me a favor send Joe Biden 50 pizzas! Excited about a phone.
That is not my father.
Yeah, well, Mel, your father's getting older.
You know, lion at sunset.
Circle of life, baby.
Hey, my campaign manager just woke me up with this incoherent text.
- Can you make any sense out of this? - Yeah, let me see.
"Red alert: Your father's pen is all over the Internet.
" I don't know what Janey means, babe.
Oh, it's another one from Janey.
"Warn everyone don't open e-mails from Russell.
" What is she talking about? I do have an e-mail from him.
Hey, you know what? I just got one from your dad too.
Ohh! What? What's what's the ohh! Oh.
Um Janey didn't mean what's all over the Internet is your father's pen.
It's his penis.
Thanks, I hadn't put that together.
What is my father thinking?! And how many people did he send this to? He sent it to his entire contact list, babe.
Which means we gotta get to the kids.
- The kids! - The kids! Lennox, Ryder, don't look at your e-mails! - Delete! - Unsubscribe! Delete! Okay, here's the spin for damage control: Russell discovered a worrisome spot on his private area, and he was texting the photo to his dermatologist.
He sent the picture to 2,000 people, Janey.
He wanted a second opinion.
Sure, everyone will buy that.
Along with his snappy caption "Thinking of you keeps me up all night.
" I don't think he was talking about his insomnia.
Well, there goes my State Senate campaign and any chance I had of ever making it to Washington.
Mel, your announcement is two days away.
We just need to shift focus back to your vision for Ohio's future.
Well, how are we gonna do that when everyone's vision is on a close-up of my dad's - Kickstand? Morning, everybody! Well, look at you guys Hard at work already.
Are you aware that your delightful self-portrait made its way around the entire world? Yeah, how 'bout that? You know what, Joe? I think I need another lesson on this baby.
What, do you want me to put a couple of palm trees behind it next time? How did this happen? You know, it's a it's a funny story.
I was in a hotel last night, and my lady friend Evelyn, she e-mailed me a rather provocative photo of herself, so Like a gentleman, I reciprocated.
I am so glad that you remembered your manners.
You know, it's weird, where I come from, manners never involve the sounds "zip" and "flop.
" But, you know, it's different upbringings, I guess.
Senator, how did you manage to send the photo to 2,000 inboxes? Well, I said, "send to Evelyn.
" But Sissy must have thought I said, "send to everyone.
" It's close.
It's real close.
She's fickle, Sissy.
Holy crap! Oh, this isn't anything.
How bad is it? Do you realize what you've done to my campaign? Oh, no, honey.
Don't worry about it.
You know what? Before you know it, some Congressman will proposition an undercover cop in a bathroom, and the reporters will forget all about us.
Oh, yeah.
Or maybe it'll rain frogs.
You know, like in the Bible.
Well, there you go! People love the Bible! Hey, listen.
On the bright side, I've almost finished with the speech that that I'm gonna deliver when you announce your candidacy.
And all modesty aside, I'm very pleased with what I have.
Evidently.
Dad, wake up.
You can't announce me.
But, pumpkin, I I flew in to be there for my little girl.
And what would we have done if you didn't? You know what? I was very happy with my flip phone until someone insisted that I upgrade to the Devil's play thing here! Oh, I see.
So first you're blaming the phone, and now you're blaming me? Remind me, was I in your hotel room last night pulling down your pants?! I don't know! I was drunk! That was the Governor's office.
He's suddenly no longer available for your announcement.
No reason given.
Oh, I'm sure it has nothing to do with your unfortunate photo op.
Look, you may not have the Governor, but you still have Ohio's most beloved ex-Senator.
She was really hoping that the Governor would be there.
Well, take it from someone who has been there.
Politics is all about overcoming the obstacles.
Ohh, and it's your job to provide the obstacles.
I get it now! Oh.
Thanks, Daddy.
Lennox, don't you have classes today? Yeah, but there's like six reporters on our lawn.
I'm not exactly psyched to answer questions like, "hey, little girl, is this your grandpa's good side?" - Hey, guys.
- And why are you home so early? Oh, the principal said I was a "distraction.
" And apparently, someone thought that I missed the whole Grandpa photo thing, so they put a copy of it on my locker.
Poster-sized With eyes and a mustache.
And they were shooting nerf darts at it.
Wow, I'm glad everyone's so sensitive to what you're going through.
Hey, you can use this time to come up with an idea for your entrepreneur's club.
Yeah, how about a time machine, so I can go back and superglue Grandpa's pants on.
You know, if I weren't about to announce my candidacy, this wouldn't have become such a huge deal.
Now you guys are having to pay the price.
I don't know if it's worth it.
What are you getting at? Well, maybe this isn't the best time for me to be running for State Senate.
Aunt Mel, are you kidding? Do you remember that whole scandal between our father and our jailbird mother? We were the "Scanlon brats" for years.
We'll be okay.
Aw, honey.
How'd you get to be so brave? Well, there's someone I respect who sets an incredible example for me to follow.
- Aw, Lennox.
- I mean, seriously, have you heard Katy Perry's new album? Hey, I'm sorry you got dragged into that, Joe.
I mean, my father was way out of line to blame you.
There's no way you could have seen that coming.
I should have known better.
You know your dad can't resist any woman.
Not even one without a body.
You know, Lennox and Ryder are so great.
I mean, with all the crap they're having to put up with, they're still on board with my campaign.
I'm just not so sure that I'm still on board.
Really? Well, yeah.
Even though, I seem to be the only one that has any doubts.
- Well, maybe not the only one.
- What do you mean? Well, hon', you know, I was actually thinking about what your dad was saying yesterday.
You know, that if you win, you're gonna be in Columbus full-time.
And, of course, I'm gonna be stuck here getting Longo Fit off the ground.
And we're just starting out as a couple.
And that kind of distance could really, you know Mess things up.
Oh, I see.
So you're not supportive of my State Senate run.
No.
No, you're the one that has the doubts, right? Isn't that why you came in here? No.
Obviously, I came in to indirectly ask you for a pep talk.
Why didn't you just say that then? Uh, because if I had to ask directly, that would ruin the whole thing.
Right now you should be saying, "don't doubt yourself.
You're strong.
You're beautiful.
You can do anything.
" Oh, I see.
So you want me to Pretend that I don't have any doubts? Yes! Because if you have doubts, then I can't have doubts.
I mean, couples are supposed to take turns.
Right now, you're supposed to be talking me off a ledge, not yelling "jump jump jump!" I'm not yelling "jump jump," all right? I'm just reminding you that you have a lot of options out there.
And jumping is one of them.
You know what another one is? Now talking to you! Mel.
Are you honey! Come on! Look, you're strong.
You're you're you're beautiful.
You can you can Oh, God.
Who am I kidding? I'm not even listening to me.
Read this, and tell me it's not a great speech.
Why are you showing this to me? Well, so someone can appreciate what I do for my daughter.
Mel doesn't want me involved at all.
It's amazing.
I know, right? School kids should have to memorize that.
I meant how self-involved you are.
Come on, man.
Mel's announcing her candidacy tomorrow.
And for once in your life, you need to put aside your ego and just be there for her the way she needs you to be.
You owe her that much.
We all do.
Russell, here are your reminders for this evening.
Buy flowers for Mel, and schedule dinner with prostitute.
That Sissy mishears everything.
I believe I said "Protestant.
" You really want to help, Russell? Of course.
Buy the flowers.
Cancel the protestant.
Whoa, what's all this? This is my idea for the entrepreneur's club.
Check this out.
"Thinking of you keeps me up all night"? Cha-ching.
This right here is gonna be the biggest selling t-shirt since "I'm with stupid.
" Yeah, but you are kinda selling out Grandpa.
No.
No no no.
Grandpa did this to himself, okay? He embarrassed us.
This is just payback.
Yeah, but you're also selling out aunt Mel.
If her campaign is gonna have a chance, this whole thing needs to blow over.
And, um, this isn't helping.
Yeah, well, genius ideas like this do not come along every day, okay? What about that awesome cellphone in a foam ball idea? You said that sucked.
Great ideas are always laughed at at first.
Look at look at the Wright brothers and and Gandhi And "Dancing with the Stars.
" Okay, well, this t-shirt will definitely make me the $100 I need to stay in the club, so is that really so wrong? Eh, I don't wanna judge you in any way.
You do whatever you think is right.
And then when you die, enjoy hell.
I can't believe this.
Well, believe it.
These tweets about you are overwhelmingly positive.
Look.
Oh! Oh.
Sorry, I just have post-traumatic sexting disorder.
After your father's selfie, we took a poll.
And it turns out there's an incredible surge - in sympathy for Mel Burke.
Yeah, people feel like you've been unfairly tarred by your father's indiscretion.
The results are: People love you, Mel.
You're welcome, pumpkin.
Hey, look at that.
I just got a text from the Governor's office.
It turns out he's suddenly available for us.
Wow.
This flip has flopped.
Ha ha ha.
I gotta go lock him in right now.
Wow, those are amazing numbers.
Sweetheart, your campaign is ready to launch.
You are on your way.
Well, that depends.
Does my significant other still have any doubts? Joe? Mel, I gotta be honest with you.
I don't think you should run for State Senate.
- You still don't? - I think you should run for Congress.
Isn't there going to be an open seat next year, Russell? Yes, Pat Geary's retiring.
The seat for this district is up for grabs.
Wh where's this coming from? Come on, honey.
You always said your ultimate goal was Washington.
Congresswoman Burke.
It's got a pretty nice ring to it, wouldn't you say? Oh-ho-ho, I'd vote for that.
In fact, I'd pay homeless people to vote for that.
Okay, don't do that.
You've done enough.
Well, Joe, that is really sweet.
But I don't understand.
Washington is a lot further away than Columbus.
And you know what? We're gonna make it work.
It's over a year from now.
Our relationship will be a lot stronger by then.
And you know what? Longo Fit will be nationwide by then.
So I'm gonna be spending a lot of time in D.
C.
myself.
Yeah, well, I can trim the fat out of the budget, you can trim the fat out of the politicians.
Yep! You two are gonna be the ultimate power couple.
Come on, let's get a picture of all three of us together.
- All right, ready? Come on, get in here.
- All right, all right.
Smile.
All right, let me see.
Oh! Oh, God.
You scrolled back too far, honey.
We're cancelling your plan.
No Hey, what are you doing with the shirts? Throwing them away.
Along with all that money I would have made.
Thanks for guilting me.
Anytime.
Look, you're doing the right thing.
Where did these come from? I'm not gonna lie, Grandpa.
Those just showed up on our front doorstep.
No.
He was trying to make money, but he realized it was in poor taste, and changed his mind.
You were gonna charge people for these? Yeah, I know.
I'm ashamed.
Are you kidding? These will make great Christmas gifts.
My fans will think they're funny.
Hell, so will my enemies.
Either way, it keeps my face out there.
Hey, better your face than anything else.
Does your establishment take checks? 'Cause I wanna buy all of them.
- You mean it? - Yeah.
I'm gonna be the biggest moneymaker at the entrepreneur's club.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Yeah, thanks Grandpa for everything you did to make this possible.