Bewitched (1964) s03e30 Episode Script

All right, Tabatha.
Lesson number one in oven cleaning.
Fascinating, huh? I knew it.
I knew it.
I knew that life with that mortal would finally get to you.
You're taking gas.
With an electric stove? That would be the trick of the week.
My poor Samantha.
Where is your pride? Do you realize you're doing that menial work right before the eyes of your child? You bet.
I figure she can't learn too young.
Well, actually, darling, I came to invite you to the elephant races at New Delhi.
Honey? Not on an empty stomach.
Good.
- So long, hon.
- Have a nice day.
Haven't you heard? Today is going to turn the tide.
These layouts I've been working on are going to knock the client's eyes out.
I'm not going to be too tough on Larry but I think the bonus I get should cover the trip to Bermuda we might take.
Might take? Well, if the prospective client becomes "unprospective" Sweetheart, he'll love it.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
- What do you mean by that? - Nothing.
Just wifely encouragement.
- Then keep it that way, huh? - What? - Of course.
- See you tonight.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye-bye.
If you leave it to mere wifely encouragement the closest you'll get to Bermuda will be an onion.
Oh, very funny.
You should be in Paris or London or going to the elephant races with me.
But since he can't afford it I think he needs help.
Mother, dear, butt out.
Samantha, it is your heritage, you know.
You should live in the sparkle of a star in a flash of colour.
Samantha, you're a creature of the wind.
Mother, speaking of wind, why don't you blow? Samantha! Oh, my! Oh, Mother, please! Speaking of ill winds! This one is a real beauty! If Wilkerson likes this as much as I think he will it could mean a lot more than one lipstick account.
We might even lock up all the Madame Marushka products.
Lipstick, face cream, hair spray, all that gook! Lt'd be worth millions to us.
Millions.
You know your eyes light up when you talk about money, Larry? Of course.
I'm a greedy person.
- Yes? - Mr.
Wilk erson is waiting.
Be right there! Withershins and darklings chuckle One man will shine, One man will sparkle Stephens will seem to you the best A better man than all the rest No offence, Darrin, but I think I'd better carry the ball.
Arch Wilkerson's an old golf buddy and I'll be able to handle him with just the right touch.
- That's fine with me, Larry.
- Good boy.
Watch me have old Arch eating right out of my hand.
Hey, Arch, have I got a winner for you! It's sweeter than holing out a 60-foot approach shot.
Yes, I'm sure it is, Larry.
You must be Stephens.
- It's a great pleasure to meet you.
- I'm delighted to meet you, sir.
Well, let's get on it.
Believe me, it's a hole in one, all the way! Yes, of course, Larry.
What do you think of it, Stephens? We believe in the campaign we have for Madame Marushka's new lipstick.
You give us the word, we'll get the ball rolling.
Very good, Stephens.
I like the way you put that.
- Why, thank you, sir.
- I said that exact same thing to you.
Don't you remember? Yesterday at the clubhouse.
Yes, of course.
You've got my curiosity going.
Let's see those layouts.
You'll flip, Arch.
When you and I discussed this last week, I decided Yes, yes.
I think I should tell you, Stephens that this lipstick is the key product for our whole new line.
Madame Marushka herself will be very interested in how you handle it.
Well, I'm sure if she'll drop by the office, we'll be able to What? Drop by the office! Did you hear that, Arch? Stephens doesn't know what we know about Madame Marushka.
Never makes personal calls, a recluse in her ivory tower.
I remember you telling me on the fairway Larry, why don't you sit down.
We're not out on the golf course now.
Please go on, Mr.
Stephens.
- Well, l - You've got the ball, kid.
Tee off.
As we saw the problem, it was to introduce a new product in a new area.
I'm sure if you study these, sir, you'll get the idea.
Ah! Yeah.
And then Mr.
Wilkerson insisted that I be put in charge of Madame Marushka's account.
Which means, dear girl, if you care to plan ahead you may start packing for Bermuda immediately.
Oh, Darrin, that's wonderful! I'm so proud of you.
I can't wait to tell Mother.
- Why? - Why? Why? So she can hear the good news.
Sam, the last thing your mother wants to hear is good news about me.
Why are you so anxious to tell her? What has she got to do with this? Nothing.
Besides, at a time like this, we're certainly not going to let anything that Mother might say or do bother us, are we? What do you mean? "Might do or say.
" Did she do something? What did she do? It has to be something underhanded, right? Right! Darrin, you keep asking and answering your own questions.
I save a lot of time that way.
She did do something, but what? You wanna answer that one? No.
Figures it had something to do with work.
This morning.
Wilkerson.
Was that the result of some of her hocus-pocus? Bingo! Well, Darrin, I don't really know.
All Mother said was Sure.
That's why he took such a shine to me and practically ignored his old pal Larry! She put a spell on him! Darrin, give yourself credit.
Wilkerson liked you because he liked your ideas.
Mother had nothing to do with that.
I thought Larry was overdoing his golf buddy bit.
But that was Endora's doing! - You're jumping to conclusions.
- Maybe I am and maybe I'm not.
But as long as there's a possibility of that possibility it ruins the whole deal for me.
Really, Samantha! You picked a lemon in the garden of love.
Mother, you did influence Darrin's client! - Naturally.
But I did it for you, darling.
- Oh, for! If I hadn't, Mr.
Wilkerson wouldn't have given him the time of day.
You should be celebrating.
In my house we celebrate the things I earn, and I didn't earn anything! Mother, you had no right to meddle.
Darrin can get ahead strictly on his own.
Fat chance.
I can handle this, Sam.
Endora, you wasted your time.
You threw the Madame Marushka account into my lap.
I'm throwing it right back out again.
I'm taking myself off the account.
Do you think that once the wheels are in motion, they can be stopped? You bet your sweet broom I do! Don't be too sure about that.
Just don't be too sure.
After all, Larry, you brought Wilkerson into the office! He's your friend, and I think it's only fair that you personally handle the Marushka Cosmetics account.
Fair, schmair.
Look at me, Darrin.
- Is this the face of a sensitive man? - But, Larry Wilkerson wants you.
I want that Marushka account.
So, what's the problem? - What about your pride? - My what? Wilkerson likes you better than me, so I'll cry all the way to the bank.
Mr.
Stephens! She's here! She is? Who's "she," Betty? - Madame Marushka.
- Unbelievable! And she wants to see you personally, Mr.
Stephens.
That's great.
That's great.
Show her in.
Show her in! Madame Marushka never leaves her salon, but she's coming to see you.
She must have flipped over your ideas! It's fantastic.
It certainly is unbelievable.
Gentlemen.
This outfit is from my spring collection.
Tell me how you love it.
I adore it! - I think it is quite mad.
- Quite mad.
"Marushka.
" That is how you say my name.
Marushka.
You try.
- Marushka.
- Marushka.
- Fair.
But you will learn.
- We'll practice.
As you know, I do not usually attend business discussions.
So dull.
But my Mr.
Wilkerson he was so impressed.
- Tell me.
Which one is Steffins? - He is, Marushka.
Marushka.
- Darrin Steffins.
- Stephens.
Stephens, my assistant.
And I'm Larry Tate.
We're glad you came over.
We can't wait to get moving Ah.
That is why I have come to you.
If this dear man is to work for my firm then he must have a very responsible position in your firm.
A partner, I should think.
Yes! A partner.
You want Mr.
Tate to make me a partner? You want me to make him a partner? It is my policy never to do business with a man whose name it is not part of the name of the company.
- Are you suggesting? - Precisely! "McMann, Tate & Steffins.
" - Stephens.
- Madame Marushka - Marushka! - Madame Marushka.
I hardly think I never entrust a new campaign to an employee.
No, no, no.
I want someone with the authority to make decisions.
I insist upon that, Mr.
Tate.
Then it is settled, no? - No! - Steffins! I'm sure we can work something out.
Just a minute! If I'm to be a partner, that should be Mr.
Tate's decision.
He shouldn't be forced into it.
I'd resign before I'd allow that to happen.
Ah, now I understand you.
If you had had the drive it would have been McMann, Tate & Steffins a long time ago! I know your type.
You are afraid of success.
Afraid of success? You know my type? That's right, Steffins! Stephens! Durwood Darrin Stephens! And I'll thank you to use my correct name! Durwood is getting no apologies from me.
Oh, Mother, please stay until Darrin gets home and then sort of bury the hatchet.
I'd love to.
Where? - How dare you! - You heard me, you phoney! Get out.
Darrin, have you flipped your wig? Larry, I know what I'm doing! This is not Madame Marushka! She's a fake! Now, get out! Are you Madame Marushka? The account, Darrin! You just blew a million-dollar account.
- Larry, we haven't lost a thing.
- You must be kidding! She was a complete fake.
Darrin, are you sure? How do you know? I can't tell you, but believe me, I know.
But how? Just a minute.
She was a spy.
You know how unscrupulous agencies try to steal accounts.
- That's what was happening here.
- A spy? I'm gonna take the rest of the afternoon off.
I have something important to take care of.
Sure, sure.
She was a spy.
She was? Sure, she was.
Was she? Samantha! Samantha! What's wrong, sweetheart? Wouldn't Larry let you off the account? I didn't get a chance to argue the point with him.
Something a little more important came up.
- Like what? - Like her nibs! Are you referring to me? I'm not referring to Marushka! Samantha can you translate that gibberish, or am I to be left in the dark? Don't try to brazen it out.
She came to my office today and tried to pass herself off as Madame Marushka! I saw through her little disguise and tossed her out on her ear.
- How'd you like them apples, Endora? - You're sick.
Sweetheart, Mother wasn't in your office.
She was with me all morning.
Sure, she was! Come on, Sam, don't alibi for her.
That's no alibi.
She was here all the time.
When, all the time? This morning, all the time.
Your mother was really here with you? Yes, Darrin.
She really was.
You've never lied to me, have you, Sam? No, sweetheart.
Not even this one time.
Darrin, Mother was here with me all morning.
I could forgive a little lie this one time.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Larry.
But Madame Marushka.
I threw Madame Marushka out, along with a million-dollar account.
So why shouldn't I be fired? - Darrin - I certainly can't allow you to lose that precious little job.
And I won't sit and watch you take the bread out of my granddaughter's tiny mouth.
- Now, one simple incantation - No! Well, it is my fault, in a way.
No! No witchcraft, nothing.
I'll handle this my way.
If I fall on my head, well, I fall on my head.
But you stay out of my life! Darrin, can't I do something? No! No! I'm sure she'll see me.
I don't have an appointment but I've got to see Madame Marushka, it's a matter of life or death.
Mine! Maybe I can catch her between calls.
All right, you can wait.
But no promises.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Marushka think that there is no more to say! Madame Marushka, please let me explain.
Forget it, Stephens.
She's not having any.
Larry.
Mr.
Steffins, I am so glad that you are here also.
Now I can be rid of both of you at the same instant! You have every right to be angry.
I can't explain my actions but I am sorry, and I humbly apologize.
I do not accept your apology! Well, then don't! But you're a businesswoman.
At least take a look at the layouts.
If you don't like them, I'll leave without being told.
But don't dismiss my company just because I made a little mistake.
Very well, Mr.
Steffins.
I won't have it said that Madame Marushka made a business decision based on personal reactions.
"Don't play fair.
Use Madame Marushka's lipstick.
" - Isn't that something? - I hate it! Goodbye, peasants! Nothing personal, Darrin, but I think I'll have you shot.
Oh, Larry, please! Let's talk.
Let me buy you a drink.
All right, Stephens.
One drink.
But don't talk to me.
I'm liable to lose control.
It was all sewed up.
You had to get that crazy idea Madame Marushka was a fake.
The whole sweet deal Larry, for the last two hours you've been going on and on and on.
- Why did you do it, Darrin? - Why did I do it? The whole schmeer.
Why? - I can't tell you.
- You can tell me.
- No, I can't.
- You can tell me.
I thought my mother-in-law turned into Madame Marushka to foul me up.
So I threw her out.
- Can't tell me, huh? - Right.
Look at that.
Isn't that a great layout? - Best thing I ever did.
- Yeah.
Great.
- Bartender! - Yes, sir? - May I? - Hey, that's my paper.
That's my layout! Somebody stole it, line for line! Let's go to the office and check the newspaper listings.
- We'll find out who did this.
- We'll find out, and he's gonna pay! - Give me my paper.
- We'll fix that dirty crook! Darrin, you're that dirty crook! I didn't do it.
I don't remember signing these authorizations.
I don't remember typing them, Mr.
Stephens, but there they are! Authorizations for newspapers, posters, leaflets, billboards.
- Billboards too? - You authorized this agency to pay for all that, and we don't even have the account? Do you know how much this is going to cost us? Do you? Stephens! Come back here! Stephens! Darrin, please try to understand.
Witchcraft got you into this mess, and witchcraft can get you out.
Sam, it's no use.
I'm going to spend the night at the club.
- You don't belong to a club.
- I'll join one.
Darrin, now, listen.
I placed your ads.
Your ads! They were wonderful.
Madame Marushka was wrong, and you were right.
Sam, I know you meant well.
You always mean well! I'm almost used to your mother's meddling.
After all, she's supposed to be a colossal pain.
She's a mother-in-law! But when you start doing it, well, that's just too much.
It is just too, too much.
- Darrin - Goodbye, Sam.
You son of a gun! You old son of a gun! You're wearing two coats.
You wanna tell me how much I cost the company.
Don't worry about it.
You'll get every penny back! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Will you listen to him, Sam? The guts of a riverboat gambler and he's worried about a few measly thousand.
Larry, what happened? What happened? You wheeler-dealer.
Put Madame Marushka's ads out, even though we didn't have a contract.
And it paid off.
- It paid off? - Mr.
Innocent, eh? An hour after those ads hit, every chain store in town was calling Madame Marushka, doubling their lipstick orders.
"Don't play fair.
Use Madame Marushka's lipstick.
" It's sheer genius! - The ads worked.
- Worked? I'm on my way to her salon right now with the contracts for her complete line.
And you did it, fella.
You really did it.
Two coats, huh? Maybe I'll try that.
The ads worked.
She signed up the entire line.
It was your ads that did it.
I just placed them.
Any office boy could've done that.
Sam, it was still witchcraft.
You did it.
I could've been that office boy if I'd had as much faith in my work as you did.
It doesn't matter.
Even if I should've done it, you did it, and you shouldn't have done it.
Even if I should've done it.
That doesn't make any sense.
I know it doesn't.
I just want you to forgive me, and I don't know how to ask.
You don't have to ask.
That's what I call success.
I'm beat.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, sweetheart.
Oh, darn.
It's going to be chilly, and I left Tabatha's comforter downstairs.
Oh, hold it.
Don't run up and down the stairs.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
That's very nice of you.
Well, I'm not going to do it.
You know: Why, Darrin, I'm shocked! You said In this case I'll make an exception.
At least until I can afford an upstairs maid.
Thank you.
All done.
My turn.
Darrin, how did you do that? I pulled the plug.