Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e30 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) HOGAN ( whispering ): Another Gestapo patrol.
What kind of fuel is that truck carrying, Colonel? According to the underground, it's experimental fuel for jet aircraft.
If that truck got through to Berlin, it could change the whole course of the war.
Right.
All right, let's move out.
Colonel, do you think there's a chance we might be able to get the formula for this jet fuel? No way.
Only one German scientist knows it.
Well, maybe we could get ahold of his papers.
He keeps the formula in his head.
That's what I call a bit of bad luck, sir.
No, it's good luck.
How's that, sir? He's riding in the truck with the fuel.
That's what I said, sir.
That's what I call a bit of good luck.
More Krauts.
Hit the dirt.
( truck approaching ) Newkirk, would you get your leg off my hip? You're always complaining.
I'm not complaining.
That's where I'm carrying the dynamite.
You could have told me, Carter! It's not even fused yet.
I just wanted to see the look on your face.
I hope you're not carrying any dynamite in your nose, because that's where I'm going to punch you.
All right, let's go.
Take it easy.
Yep.
LeBeau Yeah.
This plunger's the trigger.
Don't release it till you get it up to the bottom of the bridge.
Okay.
Watch it.
That's it.
Got it? Maybe.
Newkirk, watch the other side.
Yes, sir.
Carter, you sure this is going to work? I got it all figured out, sir.
Hold it.
( footsteps continue overhead ) Okay.
Here's how it's going to work.
Now, the vehicle that's carrying the fuel is a 1½-ton truck, right? Right.
Therefore, I've set this trigger so that only a vehicle of that weight can set off the charge.
Right.
Now, then, the truck's going to come this way tomorrow between Therefore, I calculate the exact number of hours and minutes between now and then so that I can set this precision timer perfectly.
And you've calculated it to the exact second? Oh, right.
Good.
Oh, there's one thing, Colonel.
What? I forgot my watch.
All right, Newkirk, in the tunnel.
All right, Kinch, radio the underground.
Tell them we mined the bridge.
Right.
Any chance they might suspect us, Colonel? When that bridge blows, we'll be back in camp.
We haven't missed a roll call yet.
Where's Carter? He was there a minute ago.
Leave it to him to make a mess of things.
Go ahead in the tunnel.
Where have you been? I went to the wrong tree trunk.
Carter, did you ever feel that you were in the wrong line of work? Well, I once seriously considered becoming a doctor.
Oh, good choice.
Brain surgeon? Yeah.
Get in the tunnel.
LeBEAU: Want some coffee? NEWKIRK: Yeah, fill her up.
( all shout "Mail!" to Schultz ) SCHULTZ: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Back, back, back, back, back, back! Everybody back! Sit down and behave, or you won't get any mail.
Let's go.
They're not your letters.
Oh, Colonel Hogan! Thanks, Schultz.
Come on, Schultzy.
Sergeant Kinchloe.
Is there one for me? Thanks.
Corporal LeBeau.
( sniffing ) Mmm! I can tell by the scent it's from my Paulette in Bordeaux.
Smells to me like after-shave lotion.
Where do you expect her to get perfume? We're at war, you know.
Got anything for me, Schultzy? Uh Newkirk.
Oh, thanks, old boy.
There Hansen.
Saunders.
Sergeant "Sergeant Little Deer Who Goes Swift and Sure Through Forest"? You're kidding, Schultz.
That's what it says.
That's me.
You're Little Deer Who Goes Swift and Sure Through Forest? That's right.
( thud ) I think he just broke his hoof.
If I were you, Little Deer, I'd stay out of the woods during the hunting season.
CARTER: All right, have your little joke.
I didn't know you had Indian blood, Carter.
Oh, sure, we're from the Sioux Indians.
My great-grandfather fought with Sitting Bull.
Oh, you mean, you are real Indian, like in the movies? ( feigning war cry ) Schultz has got some Indian blood, too.
He's got natural rhythm.
Hey, Little Deer, who's the letter from? Pocahontas? It happens to be from my cousin in North Dakota.
What is his name? Angry Rabbit Who Has Thorn in Cottontail.
That'd make anybody angry.
This is wunderbar! I always wanted to meet a real, live Indian.
Oh, I can hardly wait to tell it to my wife.
Oh, by the way, Colonel Hogan, Commandant Klink wants to see you in his office.
All right, Schultz.
Good-bye, Chief.
( feigns war cry ) What does your cousin say, Carter? ( chanting in Sioux ) Oh, I'm glad he's feeling better.
( knock at door ) Come in, come in, come in.
You wanted to see me, Colonel Klink? Yes, Hogan, I want your men to prepare a barracks for 12 new American prisoners.
I don't think it's in our deal to provide you with maid service.
Hogan, these are your countrymen.
I should think that you would be delighted to want to make things comfortable for them.
Oh, I'll see that each one of them has a pipe and slippers by his bunk then.
Your sarcasm does not impress me, Hogan.
When are they arriving? The prisoners are due to leave Wiesbaden in a few minutes, and will be here between 1:00 and 2:00.
We'll have it ready, Commandant.
You did say Wiesbaden, didn't you? That's right.
And they'll have to cross over the Düsseldorf River? Yes.
By way of the Hammelburg Bridge? Why are you so interested from which way they're coming? I want to make sure they come by the scenic route.
There's nothing like a nice drive down the Düsseldorf in a staff car.
They happen to be coming in a truck.
Oh, I have to hand it to Burkhalter.
He's done it again.
He's done what again? Oh, it's obvious this is another one of Burkhalter's schemes to get you, Colonel.
May I remind you, Colonel Hogan, that General Burkhalter has only the highest admiration and respect for me? And he's handing these prisoners to me because he knows that I'm the finest commandant of any German prison camp.
And what do you think his scheme is? Same old story.
He wants to make you look bad.
He wants to break your perfect record of no escapes.
But what has this got to do with it? with the same old understaffed, overworked, stir-crazy guards.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
of escape.
Burkhalter's getting better odds every day.
Perhaps I should call him.
Frau Hilda, get me General Burkhalter on the phone at once.
I like a man of action, sir.
I saw through Burkhalter's scheme all along.
You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Colonel Klink.
General Burkhalter, this is Colonel Klink speaking! General Burkhalter, I must insist that the 12 new American prisoners be sent to another stalag at once! Please, General Burkhalter, try to understand-- we are already overcrowded here.
My guards are understaffed and overworked.
( whispering ): Don't forget the stir-crazy bit.
And we're going stir-crazy, sir.
What's that? No, sir, I do not speak Russian.
( laughing ) Yes, sir.
Russian.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
It was merely a suggestion, General Burkhalter.
I assure you, won't be any trouble at all.
As a matter of fact, sir, may I suggest that you send me 40 or 50 more.
I will welcome them with open arms, sir.
( nervous laughter ) Yes, sir.
Only 12 prisoners.
Yes, sir.
Well, General Burkhalter, it has been absolutely wonderful having this little chat with you.
Heil, Hitler.
Prepare for They'll be here within two hours.
And Hogan dismissed! Hilda, what kind of a truck are the new prisoners coming in? A German truck.
You see, all the good trucks have been sent I know that.
What size? ( sighs ) A 1½-ton truck.
But I shouldn't be telling you this.
Don't feel bad.
You're not giving comfort and aid to the enemy.
Thanks, Hilda.
( all feigning war cries ) NEWKIRK: Come on, Carter, show us how to do the dance.
Why don't you two just knock it off? But we want you to help us with the rain dance.
If it rains, we won't have to go outside and do those ruddy exercises.
We Sioux aren't too much on rain dances.
Massacres are more our style.
And if you two fellows will wait until I get through carving this little bow and arrow, I'll be happy to give you a little demonstration.
That's not very nice.
Oh, come on, Carter, be a sweet Sioux.
( others laugh ) All right, fellows, gather round.
Something the matter, Colonel? Don't tell me old Klink's on the warpath.
Nothing personal, Carter.
I just found out a group of American prisoners is crossing the Hammelburg Bridge in a truck between 1:30 and 1:45.
Hey, if they cross that bridge before that fuel truck, they're going to be blown sky-high.
Exactly.
One of us had better get out there and demine that bridge.
Yeah, and since this is broad daylight, this is a job that calls for the little old lady.
Do, uh you think you're up to the job, Frau Newkirkburger? ( feeble, high voice ): I'll not only demine the bridge, but I may stay around and try and find a rich old widower meself.
What are you doing, old woman? Excuse me, Sergeant.
I wonder if you could give an old lady a ride.
Are you out of your mind? This vehicle is for military use only.
I was a nurse in the last war.
Old lady, please I was the personal nurse of Kaiser Wilhelm.
Old lady, I cannot Oh, the Kaiser It was more than just a nurse-patient relationship.
When we were alone, I used to call him Willie, and he used to call me Bubbie.
My dear frau, I must deliver this truckload of prisoners.
It would only take you a few minutes to give an old lady a ride to her granddaughter.
( grunts ) Oh, Stalin should have my rheumatism today.
I cannot be concerned with your rheumatism! I understand, Sergeant, but it seems a shame you won't meet my granddaughter, the out-of-work fan dancer.
Your granddaughter is a fan dancer? Oh, she's so beautiful, and so lonely.
Now that all of you handsome men are off in the army, she just sits alone in her apartment, with just her two fans.
( truck approaching ) Of course, uh, if your rheumatism is so bad, and, uh, well, the Kaiser's nurse, perhaps, uh perhaps we could take you to your granddaughter.
What were you saying, Sergeant? I said perhaps we could take you in the truck after all.
( explosion ) ( shouts ) Oh, you can forget your ride, Sergeant.
Your military trucks are too dangerous.
NEWKIRK: Hey, you ought to have seen the look on that Kraut's face when the bridge and the truck exploded with all that jet fuel.
Blimey! It was something.
And his eyes his eyes got as big as well, almost as big as when I told him about the fan dancer.
Hey, Newkirk, that was an inspiration.
I could have never thought of that.
Well, it comes easy to me, chumps.
Haven't you've ever noticed the occasional feather dropping out me envelopes? Mission accomplished.
Hey, let's celebrate.
I will open a bottle of vintage wine.
It's almost four hours old.
Marvelous.
Take the glasses, huh? Yeah.
There's something I got to tell you.
I'm standing there, right, the truck goes up-- boom! Dirt all over the place.
You never ( speaking in German ) Colonel Hogan, guards have been posted around the barracks, and you and your men are restricted to the quarters.
Oh, just a minute, Schultz.
Those are my orders, and anybody seen outside ALL: Will be shot.
What is it this time, Schultz? I know nothing.
I know what it is.
We all know what it is.
Who said sabotage? I did.
Why is it we can never keep a secret from you?! Because the other guards are not as close-mouthed as you, Schultz.
All right, but nobody leaves until further notice.
Verstanden? OTHERS: Verstanden.
So anyway, everything's flying Carter could you do me a favor? When you write home, ask them for the little hat with the feather on top.
And if he can't get one, Newkirk's girlfriend will send you one.
Fine, Schultzy.
Thank you.
( feigns war cry ) Hey, Colonel, I finished my bow and arrow.
You want me to show you how to use it? HOGAN: Not now, Carter.
CARTER: It'll just take a minute.
Colonel, the underground just contacted us.
They're going to send champagne? Nope.
Oh, that's great.
I go out and risk my life, and that's the way they show their appreciation.
They do appreciate you risking your life, Newkirk, but the jet fuel wasn't in the truck we blew up.
Are you serious? Yep.
What was the truck carrying? Our Red Cross packages.
But where's the truck with the jet fuel? It's been rerouted.
What's the new route? It's due to pass right by this camp tonight between 9:00 and 9:15.
And they still want us to knock it off.
They've got Krauts crawling all over the place.
They're even at the opening of the tunnel.
How can we do anything? They didn't say how; they said do.
NEWKIRK: Don't worry, sir.
We'll think of something.
Yeah, well, if somebody comes up with a brainstorm, I'll be in my office.
LeBeau, put away the wine, please.
Let it age a few more hours.
Right.
Do they really think that jet fuel is so important? They said it could be the difference between winning and losing.
CARTER: It just isn't fair.
Why is it always one of us that has to do the dirty work? Are you all right, Colonel? Carter, I had nothing to do with the sale of Manhattan Island.
The 24 bucks was Peter Stuyvesant's idea.
I'm sorry, sir.
I was testing the bowstring, and it must have slipped.
Carter, put that thing away.
You're a ruddy menace.
Oh, leave him alone.
Better a bow and arrow than a tomahawk.
CARTER: I'm glad it didn't fly through the window.
These things aren't easy to make.
HOGAN: Hold it a minute, fellows.
Carter, is that the best you can do with your native weapon? Oh, no, sir, I won a lot of trophies with this thing back home.
It's like riding a bicycle: Once you learn, you never forget.
Kinch? Yeah.
Come with me.
How far would you say it is from this window to the road just outside of the camp? KINCH: Well, I can throw a football about 50 yards, and I once threw a pass from just outside the barracks here to Carter, who was standing just inside the barbed wire.
And he dropped it.
We could say it's about 60 yards, huh? I'd say that's about it.
I think we could also say that it's within range of Carter's arrow.
My arrow? Your flaming arrow.
What have you got in mind, Colonel? Carter's people burned up a lot of covered wagons.
Just think what a flaming arrow could do to a truck carrying jet fuel.
That's a smashing idea.
And to think we owe it all to Little Deer.
Who Goes Swift and Sure Through Forest.
Hang on-- German military vehicles have governors, and they never travel at more than 35 miles an hour.
Now, the truck will be coming down the road from the north, and the wind is from the south.
That means the arrow should be aimed about 15 yards in front of the moving vehicle.
Now, figuring the area of canvas on a 1½-ton truck, that should give Carter about a seven- to ten-foot margin for error.
And I'd say he'd need every foot of it.
Well, we're not going to take any chances.
Newkirk, take Little Deer down in the tunnel and practice till show time.
Right, sir, the moment I check out my G.
I.
insurance.
We didn't need Newkirk at the Little Bighorn, sir.
This is the first time I've made arrow flambé.
Better write down the recipe.
We may use it again.
How's Little Deer doing with the bow and arrow? Just don't lend him your bicycle.
No sweat.
Roll call! All right, look, everybody outside except Newkirk and Carter-- come with me! KINCH: Schultz will know you're missing.
Create a confusion.
We'll be out in a minute.
Right.
All right, Carter, any second.
Get it ready.
You got a match, Newkirk? Oh, some Indian you are.
Remember, lead the truck by about 15 yards.
Why do we need a roll call at this time of the night, Schultzy? Colonel Klink ordered it.
It is not up to you, LeBeau! Let's leave it up to the others, then.
All of those in favor of roll call, raise your hand! All of those opposed to roll call ( cheering ) Hey! Hold Hold it! I will not stand for any insubordination! Good word.
Thank you.
Would you just get back? Where is Colonel Hogan? And where is Newkirk? And where is Little Deer That Goes Swift and Sure Through Forest? I guess they were asleep.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan! Everybody out for roll call! ( engine humming ) All right, Carter, let it fly.
No wonder you lost the West.
Beautiful, Newkirk.
You've got Indian blood in you, too.
Well, actually, sir, descended from Robin Hood.
If you like, for an encore, I'll go out and rob some rich people.
Forget it, the truck should be passing the front gate in about a minute.
Are all the men assembled, Schultz? SCHULTZ: We are waiting for Colonel Hogan, Herr Kommandant.
You're not waiting for me, Schultz.
Prisoners, your stupid underground has attempted to stop the shipment of a vital war material.
At this very moment a truck with experimental jet fuel, and one of Germany's most brilliant scientists, is passing by this very camp on its way to Berlin with ultimate victory for our glorious fatherland.
( explosion ) You were saying, Colonel? I can't believe it.
You know, you'd think a brilliant scientist would be smart enough to put up a "no smoking" sign.
( whispers ): Hi, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan, Commandant Klink is very angry at you.
He'll get over it, Schultz.
I got a gift for you from Carter.
Yeah? He's made you an honorary chief of the Sioux tribe.
Ooh! It's beautiful.
Ooh! Uh-huh.
He's also given you a new name, Schultz.
What? What? What? What? What? You are now Big Chief Running Bear Who Goes Swift and Sure to Beer Garden.
Or you could be Big Fat Schultz Who Goes Swift and Sure to Russian Front.
Colonel Hogan, you and your men are restricted to barracks, and all privileges are canceled.
Why?! Because the lights were still on at 10:30.
It's not every night, sir, we get a chance to see a German truck barbecued.
I can assure you, Hogan, we will find those saboteurs.
Dismissed.
He took my feather.
I'd say we scalp him, but somebody beat us to it.
( door opens ) HOGAN: Colonel, I think the Sorry, Chief.
Out!