Phineas and Ferb s03e30 Episode Script

Well, how are we doing today, Major? Feeling better? Carl? What are you doing here? Your wife said it'd be okay if I came up here and kept you company.
Would that be all right? I brought a book! What kind of book? It's a fantasy adventure with wizards and knights! Are there woodland sprites? Well, there's water sprites.
Go ahead.
"Devote your mind to this tale of the distant past, and the adventures that did befall the most noble of knights.
Where stood the cottage of the humble antique dealer" Cheerio, dear! I'm off to hide these common objects for a couple'a hundred years, until they become valuable.
Don't forget to put hay in the ox! Candavere! I need you to fetch me some more water! Candavere! Oh! Where is that maid? "Stachilda, news have I upon this evening.
At the harvest bonfire I shall be on the arm of Jeremiad.
Signed, Candavere.
" There! And now to send off this missive.
The time has come to do your duty, my stout-winged messenger! That should catalyze it.
We'll add it to our inventory of magical elixirs.
What say we try a couple of these out? Cool, a cyclops! My turn! A manticore! With a lion's head.
A cockatrice! Oh, yeah, getting some water, and– Yack! Gonna have a great Midsummer Woad-Gathering Harvest Bonfire's Eve Good morrow, Phineas! with Jeremiad.
Good morrow, Ferbalot! Ugh! What flaxen homespun have we swaggering here?! Careful, Candavere.
Better not look at Ferbalot, or you'll turn to stone.
This is the most inopportune time for your infernal hijinks, and for once our sad sweet mother will be heralded to your inpropri– Ugh! I can't talk like this anymore! You guys are so busted! Mom! Yack! I don't know about you, Ferbalot, but I didn't get any of that.
Hey.
There's something fishy about this rain.
It's It's unearthly.
It's It's unearthly.
Come on.
We better get inside.
Behold! I am the Lady of the Puddle! Don't you mean the Lady of the Lake? No, that's my mom.
Hey, kids! You're getting a little quest of your own.
Oh, that's so nice.
Anyway Ferbalot, you and Phineas must find the legendary sword Excaliferb Ferbalot, you and Phineas must find the legendary sword Excaliferb and use it to stop the evil sorcerer Malifishmertz, who is behind this unearthly rain.
Yeah, Ferb and I were just talking about the rain.
Unearthly, that's– Isn't that the word I used–? Yeah, I used– I just– I will send the magical water sprite, Isabel, to guide you on your quest.
Great! Can't wait to meet her.
And to you, Ferbalot and Phineas, I bid thee good fortune! Wow.
Good thing she wasn't "Lady of the Hot Coffee.
" Mom! Ferb and I are going on a quest.
Don't forget to goad the geese on your way out! Sure thing, Mom.
Get in there, Gertrude! Whoa! This must be the sprite, Isabel! What art thou doin'? Apparently you're going to guide us on a quest.
Yes.
You must first cross the Raging River of Uncertainty by way of the Bridge of Comprehension.
Then you must brave the Swamp of Spit-Poor Attitudes.
Then it's snack time.
I brought along some apples.
After that, you will enter the Cave of Ten Thousand Monsters, where the sword Excaliferb can be found.
Ferb, only a warrior with a true heart may draw it from the stone and wield it in battle against the evil sorcerer, Malifishmertz.
Yeah, okay, I'm down with that.
Do you have any questions? Yeah.
Where's Parable? Good morning, Sir P.
The tempest we're experiencing was conjured up by the evil Malifishmertz.
We need you to fly up to his fortress and put the kibosh on his evil machinations.
I really like that character.
Is there gonna be more about him? I'm sorry, sir, he just comes in at the beginning.
Shall I continue? Huh? Okay.
"Meanwhile, back at the cottage of the humble antique dealer" Mom, I'm telling you.
They're gallivanting around out there conjuring things with magical elixirs.
Candavere, I've never seen them gallivant.
Oh! When are you gonna believe me? What if I got you some proof? I'd rather you got me some more grulewood.
Fine.
"Candavere, fetch me grulewood.
" "Candavere, rake the roof-thatch.
" "Candavere, go accuse the neighbors of witchcraft.
" If only I had some proof! If only I had some proof! All I have to do is grab a couple of these to show Mom and– Oof! Ugh.
What is this stuff? Stupid potion! I know.
Maybe this will get rid of it.
That didn't work.
I'm gonna go tell Mom.
Oh, great, a tail! Phineas and Ferbalot, you are so bu– I can't go to the Midsummer Woad-Gathering Harvest Bonfire like this.
What will Jeremiad think? I'm just gonna have to find Phineas and Ferbalot and make them tell me which one of these elixirs will change me back.
Ah-oh! Oh, this is not Oh, no.
Oh.
Oh, there's a– Oh, no.
Oh Malifishmertz Evil Incorporated But not really a corporation because corporations haven't been invented yet so it's more like a guild or a tradesmen association! Ah-ha! Parable the Dragonpus, welcome to your doom! Hey– Hey, wha– What's the matter with this thing? H-Hey, Gnorme.
Can you come out and give me a hand? Of course! Do you like him, Parable the Dragonpus? I call him a Lawn Gnorme.
He protects my garden from witches spells and wood trolls.
I'm gonna make small versions of him and sell them all over– Anyway, let me tell you about my plan for seizing control of the Tri-Kingdom Area.
You see, I was bullfrog hunting down by the rat catcher's shack and came across a the biggest raspberry I've ever seen! It was the size of a cucumber! is what I said because I had a gag over my mouth.
and that's why I decided to take over the Tri-Kingdom Area! True story.
And now, I know exactly how to do it! You see, I found this ancient text, more of a a pamphlet really.
And decided to use it to conjure up the most evil multitude to ever tread the Earth! But to do that, I needed to start with the most hideous substance known to man! Canned meat! Tripe-Henge Brand, only the best! So, earlier today, I placed thousands of cans of canned meat into the largest of my three cauldrons, cast my evil reanimation spell, and ta-da! Yeah, don't say it, I know.
They're– They're a little small, but that's why the rain, see? They absorb water, and they will grow, and when they get bigger, I'm hoping their attitude will become a little more, you know rampage-y.
They absorb water, and they will grow, and when they get bigger, I'm hoping their attitude will become a little more, you know rampage-y.
Isabel, why did you take us to the Inn of the Prancing Platypus? We need allies.
There's a lot of mercenaries and thugs to choose from.
Plus, they make a great taco salad.
Who's that creepy guy? He's been staring at us since we got here.
I wonder what he wants.
He's coming over! Be cool.
I would recommend a little more caution from you, wizardling.
Malifishmertz's spies are everywhere.
Look at that guy over there.
He doesn't look like a spy.
He looks more like a shepherd.
He's a shepherd spy.
They're the worst kind.
Are you a mercenary thug? Actually, I'm here for the taco salad.
But you guys look like you could do with a little muscle.
The name's Bufavulous, the Wind Lord.
I can help you on your quest.
Welcome aboard! You should also know that I travel with a companion by the name of Baljeetolas, of the Nerdling Realm.
Greetings, adventurers! If by my bow, or my vast store of useless knowledge I may aid you Hey, where is my bow? You left it in the booth.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Well, there it is.
Has anyone seen my arrows? Bathroom! Now that we're all congregated, we must away! Let everyone now task his thought! That this fair quest may on foot be brought! Whoa! Hey, whoa, hold it.
What's with the banjo? Traveling music.
Where are they going, Alabama? What do you mean, sir? Well, uh Questing music should have an element of foreboding and mystery, you know.
Lots of minor chords and stuff.
And, to make it sound more medieval, you throw a major chord in right at the end.
Okay.
I'll see what I can do.
"And so, the merry band set off on their quest, to the foreboding sounds of minor chords.
" Better? Little less sarcasm would be nice.
(Song: Questing Song) A-questing we will go Into this cursed rain We're ill-prepared and under-trained With no practical knowledge of this terrain A brute, a girl, two brothers, and a brain Hiking up this inclined plain What do you know, my shepherd spy tells me that a team of erstwhile heroes bent on defeating me are on their way here right now.
Oh, yeah, sure.
I-It's just down that way, past the Sally-port on your right.
You can't miss it! A bridge.
Are not these things guarded in these types of stories? Yeah, like by a troll? Do I look like a troll to you? Do not answer truthfully.
It will only enrage her.
In order to cross my Bridge of Comprehension, you must first answer three questions.
The questions will fall into three categories.
Arts and sciences, social studies, and what's hot and what's not.
Uh, hey, guys? It is not really that deep down here.
The answer must be given in haiku form.
If it's all the same to you, we'll just go around.
It's not all the same to me.
Just for the record, the answer to your riddle is an egg.
Bye, now! Come back! You can't ju– Wait a minute! Just-for-the-rec-ord The-an-swer-to-your-rid-dle is-an-egg-bye-now.
Just-for-the-rec-ord The-an-swer-to-your-rid-dle is-an-egg-bye-now.
Just-for-the-rec-ord The-an-swer-to-your-rid-dle is-an-egg-bye-now.
Hmm.
What do you know, that was a haiku.
The time has come, my little meat gamejos.
Rain down on my enemies, and stop them from advancing.
And bring me back a newspaper.
You too.
Go.
Uh-oh.
Doesn't look good.
Whoa.
This is where that crazy old bat should have built her bridge.
This is the Rocky, Shallow River of Nevermore.
Why must everything have such long names? We're going to have to turn around and find another way across this gorge.
Oh, no! Canned meat! Now we're in trouble.
But they're so cute.
They're getting bigger! And more rampage-y! Are quests usually this short? We're not gonna go without a fight! Phineas! I want all of you to jump.
Uh You know that it's called the Rocky, Shallow River of Nevermore for a reason, right? I have a plan, just trust me! I don't know.
How 'bout you, Ferb? Should we Ferb? He's right.
Come on! Mother always told me, if all the other kids are jumping off a cliff, I should, too.
Your mother said that? She was not a nurturer.
Let's go! Isabel, if you're gonna do something, now would be a nice time! Carl! Y-You stopped! I think we need to take a little break.
Wow, bad time for that.
You totally left me hanging in that cliff scene.
That's kinda the point, sir.
Oh.
I see.
Very clever.
Geesh, Carl, what– What took so long? Sorry, sir.
I was just down in your beautiful kitchen and your wife was making two sandwiches.
And I got to tell you, they were de-lish! Did she make one for me? Oh Huh.
How about we get back to the book? Carl, did you eat my sandwich? "As our heroes fell, doubt swept through them–" Carl, you ate my sandwich! Do you want to hear this or not, sir? Okay.
"As our heroes fell, doubt swept through them.
" Isabel! If you're gonna do something, now would be a nice time! Sisters! Hear my summons, beckon through the rain, carry thy waters to me now, and fill the river once again.
Nice work, girls! See you at Tuesday's brunch.
That was cool! A slide made out of water! What would you call a thing like that? I don't know.
Oh, good, another customer for my bridge.
In order to cross my Bridge of Com Com Com Have you seen my brothers? Com Com Com Com prehension.
Com prehension.
Well, I think that went well.
We're getting close.
This must be the Swamp of Spit-Poor Attitudes! Why is it called that? Legend has it, that in order to get across this swampy marsh, you have to have a good attitude.
This swamp was made for me! Come on, Ferbalot! Come on, Bufavulous.
What is the holdup? I ain't goin'.
Just think good thoughts, and you'll be fine! You don't know me very well, do you? Hey, guys, I can see Mount Doof from here, we're almost there! I have an idea.
I think I have a way to get you across this swamp.
I have been working on a way of solving problems by the process of deriving reliable generalizations from observation.
I call it logic.
I call it logic.
Logic? How come I've never heard of this? Because it is the Middle Ages.
Oh, is it anything like hysterical hearsay? Yes, in that it is the exact opposite of that.
Yeah? Listen, here is how it works.
By observing the swamp, logic tells me that it is too big to go around.
And by gathering information about it from Isabel, I can logically make assessments about the best way to get across.
Are you following me? Absolutely not.
Phineas has pie.
Out of my way, runt! And that's why the Earth is flat, Parable the Dragonpus.
Huh, what's this? Thou hast mail! Mail? Who's it from, let me see? Ooh, a video! Look at that.
I don't believe it! How did these miscreants escape my meatlings? Behold, the Cave of Ten Thousand Monsters! Here, you will find the sword Excaliferb.
Cool! Looks like you're on, bro.
Let's see how they deal with this! Uh-oh! Avalanche! Quick, inside! That should do it.
Now where were we, Parable the Dragonpu– Hey, how did you escape from– Oh, right, fire-breathing dragon, wicker cage What do you know, that guy at the pet shop was right.
Ah-ha! Man, this thing really does work when you put batteries in it.
Ferbalot The object you seek is near.
Come this way.
Behold! The sword Excaliferb! The instrument that will be Malifishmertz's end.
Wow.
Look! Ferbalot is modeling this season's latest in magical weaponry, Excaliferb.
Ferbalot is modeling this season's latest in magical weaponry, Excaliferb.
But, wasn't there something we had to do first? Oh, right.
The Cave of Ten Thousand Monsters.
Finally! My greatest nemesis vanquished! Now, Parable the Dragonpus, prepare to meet your dim.
Now, Parable the Dragonpus, prepare to meet your dim.
Doom! I mean doom.
Prepare to meet your– Man, talk about blowing the moment.
Behold, evil wizard Malifishmertz.
I hold the sword Excaliferb.
This mystical vorpal blade was given to me by the Lady of the Puddle.
Get a good look at it for it is the instrument of your demise! Well, uh, okay.
So big deal, the end's come off.
Looks like we're switching to plan B, everyone! Plan B? Yes, that is where we all attack him with ten thousand monsters.
Oh, that plan B.
Are you kidding me? I'm not afraid of you kids or your monsters.
In fact, I am not afraid of anything! Ha! Except, you know Unicorns, but other than that, nothing! Just unicorns And And whales.
And And whales.
That's That's a given, everyone's afraid of whales.
And squid.
Uh, unicorns, whales, and squid! And And Pegasuses.
And And Pegasuses.
That's it! Pegasuses, whales, unicorns, squid, scorpions, barnacles– You know, I should really make a list.
A-And girls.
I used to be terrified of girls but I sort of got over that.
And now, it's just– You know, like, sort of a mild anxiety.
So, to recap, girls, whales, squid– Hey, what's everyone looking at? Phineas and Ferbalot, you are so busted! Oh, what do you know, it's a uni-whale-scorpio-Pega-squid-icorn- girl.
What are the odds.
You know, taken all together, it's more ridiculous than scary.
I-I guess it doesn't have a cumulative effect.
Advance! Meatlings, you advance too.
(Song: Epic Monster Battle) Their battle cries rend the skies asunder Their massive feet beat the mountains down Mortal fear combines with wonder And the titan king will be crowned Out of the misty swamp they lumber While the heavens above them thunder Hey, are you gonna eat your cucumber? What!? I had a light lunch.
It's an epic monster battle Sound the awesome monster horn For an evil wizard and the dragonpus And a uni-whale-scorpio-Pega-squid-icorn girl Crashing turns to quiet.
And calm sweeps through the land.
The battle's been decided.
But who had the upper hand? But look, a hero rises from the smoke.
Our glory has been regained.
A cheer goes up among our army.
But the other guy gets up again! Now for truth the battle's over.
And evil's reign is done.
Our hero stands triumphant.
No, no, wait, I was wrong.
He's up again! I feel reasonably sure it's over this time.
What do you guys think? Oh, wait! He's up again! "From the top of another hill, a figure appears.
A shaft of light shining off his auburn hair.
It was Carl, the Red-headed Paladin from the land of Internius.
He–" Carl, now you're just getting ridiculous.
I don't see why I can't be in this story.
Besides, it's totally better this way.
I don't care, read it the way it's written.
Fine.
"Suddenly, they all found out a way to settle their differences, and it wasn't long before a peace accord was drafted and signed.
" Cut it out, Carl! Read what it really says.
That's what it says.
Look, see for yourself.
Hmm.
"Both contracting parties, undertake to maintain peaceful and friendly relations between them, in the mutual–" Oh! Come on, Carl! Whatever happened to Candavere, what about Jeremiad? Well, I suppose I could just skip to the epilogue, sir.
Hmm.
"Having signed the peace accord, the happy wanderers returned to their village as heroes.
The rain stopped, and Candavere kept her date with Jeremiad.
As they danced, she was as happy as a young girl could be.
Especially as she was now back to normal.
Well, almost.
But even as the heroes recalled their tales of glory, the evil Malifishmertz slipped away, bent on laying the groundwork for a sequel.
But for now, all was right with the world, and everyone in the village agreed that it was the best Midsummer Woad-Gathering Harvest Bonfire's Eve ever.
Certainly the first one to have ten thousand monsters.
The End.
" How was that, sir? Okay, I guess.
Well, I guess I'd better get going.
Carl? Yes, sir? Maybe you could come back and read to me tomorrow? Uh, we kind of have to work tomorrow.
Oh, fine.
Now for truth the battle's over.
And evil's reign is done.
Our hero stands triumphant.
No, no, wait, I was wrong.
He's up again! I feel reasonably sure it's over this time.
What do you guys think? Oh, wait! He's up again! "From the top of another hill, a figure appears.
A shaft of light shining off his auburn hair.
" Carl! Sir, you're crushing my spirit.
Yes.
Yes, I am.