Clarence US (2014) s03e34 Episode Script
Trampoline
1 [Remote clicks.]
[Upbeat music.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [Music.]
Nnyeh.
Wow.
Look at that tank top! Hm? Hey Clarence, why don't you take a look in the backyard? Hey, I've got something for oh! - Ms.
Mushburger [Chuckles.]
- Mary.
I brought you new book.
Oh, come on in, I guess.
[Laughs nervously.]
Book club's not for a couple weeks, not that I - Hmm - need a couple weeks.
- That's not why I'm here.
- Okay I'm going to my friend's art opening in Utah.
Ooh.
That sounds like fun.
Her paintings are a nightmarish depiction of the horrors that accompany solitary confinement.
Anyway, I'm expecting some important packages while I'm away, and I don't want them to be stolen.
You're right next-door, so, if you see any packages, would you please take them inside? You sure got a lot of keys here, heh heh.
These keys unlock more than doors.
[Tense music.]
Except this one with the red cover, it unlocks my front door.
Can I have this? - All right! You should probably go now! - Oh! Wow! Are you practicing for the cirque? [Grunting.]
Whew.
Oh.
My.
Goodness! A trampoliiiiiiiine! [Music.]
I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it! Well, enjoy your child.
I'll be back Sunday.
Don't forget the packages.
Tood-A-Loo.
Thanks, Mom, I love it! Oh! I love this trampoline.
[Laughs.]
Mom is that lady a witch? - The what? No.
- Well, she does witchy stuff and her house looks like a witch house for sure.
Clarence, she's just creative.
Yeah, but what about that one book club? [Guttural chewing.]
Okay, that was weird.
But come on, you guys don't believe in witches, do you? [Haunting music.]
I'm gonna go watch a "Blurbs" marathon on the TV.
Oh, but Chad, I had to cancel the cable to afford the trampoline.
- Oh.
- But I thought this would be better! You know, it'll give us us fresh air and exercise, you know? You mean, we can jump on it too? [All cheering.]
[Both panting.]
[Mary giggles.]
Mary: Come on, guys! This is a blast! [Both laughing.]
- Cannonball! - I have the coolest mom.
- Woo hoo hoo! Whoo! - Your dinner's getting cold! All right! Just a minute! I've almost got this flip down! - [Screams.]
Mary! - Mom! - Got any Kings? - Nope, go fish.
All right.
[Clears throat.]
Any Queens? - Go fish.
- That's impossible.
Okay, we've named every card in the deck.
Oh, really? - All right, that's enough Go Fish.
- Aw.
- How's that cast going? - Sore.
I just feel so silly breaking my leg on a trampoline.
WellI'm gonna get this TV working so you're not so bored.
[Grunting.]
Anything? Uh Anything? - Do you know what you're doing? - Not really.
Here we go public access! All right.
Way to go Chad.
Shoulder, shoulder.
Jazz hands! Jazz hands!! Whoa ooh whoa ooh whoa! - This is TV? - I think so.
Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Whoa! You two are sweet, but you don't have to entertain me.
Go on jump on the trampoline.
You know, someone should enjoy it.
I can finally start on this book [Giggling.]
One, two, three! [Screams.]
All right.
Here we go.
Chapter one trepidation.
"A delitescent rapscallion deturp" [Sighs.]
"Deturpated.
" Okay, I know I know these aren't real words.
All right, world, what have you got for me? Hmm.
Been there.
[Chuckles.]
[Laughs.]
Oh! Ms.
Mushburger's packages.
[Whistles.]
What a place.
Okay.
Strange.
Ooh! Now, that'sa beautiful setup! [Panting, groans.]
Ow, no, no.
Ah, better rest a second.
[Grunts.]
Eh, why not? This has to be the brat-worst thing to ever happen.
Blegh.
I'm telling ya, bud.
I hit the jackpot.
Cha-ching! [Laughs.]
Newscaster: Dentists Are they good for you? Your children Are they bad for you? [Snickers.]
Coming up on the 6:00 o'clock news.
[Gasps.]
It's almost 6:00 already? [Grunting.]
- Whew.
- Mom, we're back! Sorry we were gone so long.
We brought you back pizza, through.
And then, I found this hat.
It was super fun.
You couldn't come 'cause of your leg.
- Sorry.
- Ah, it's fine, though.
I read my book.
- Oh, what's it about? - Oh, uh yes.
Uh, it is It's about a, uh, man.
[Munching.]
Wow.
Uh, how 'bout some TV with dinner, huh? [Dialing.]
- Good evening.
- Man: I'm calling you, man.
- Yeah, but why you calling me? - I saw you're number.
Nah, peace.
[Phone hangs up.]
Oh, okay, what do we got? [Phone dials.]
Good evening.
- Hi.
- Hello, honey.
Woman: Yeah, uhhey, how's it, uh Hey, we could watch TV at Ms.
Mushburger's.
- I got a key.
- Huh! You crazy? She'd definitely flip if she found out we touched any of her stuff.
Witches hate that.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Yeah, you're probably right.
[Panting.]
[Chad yawns.]
Morning.
Thought we'd go for a car ride today, or Actually, I-I think I'm just gonna stay home and read, but if you're feeling super helpful, I got these chores - that need to get done.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Uh, "dry cleaning, car wash " - Yay! Chores! [Tires screech.]
[Giggles.]
Who knew going on two dates at once would end up being a total pizzaaster? [Mary laughs.]
[TV theme song plays.]
[Crashing.]
[Theme music continues.]
German George: And after our date, she said she was thinking about - becoming a nihilist again.
- Now, that is the brat-worst.
[Laughs.]
I get it now! [Laughs.]
Oh, shoot! Well, I think there is a shower upstairs.
[Door closes.]
Clarence: Hmm.
- Who do you think it's from? - Your mom.
Oh.
Want to jump on the trampoline? [Laughing.]
Ah, nothing like a hot bath to [Gasps.]
[Speaks indistinctly.]
She's back! No! Wha! Ahh! [Grunts.]
Shoot! She's gonna flip if she sees me in her stuff.
I got to hide.
No, the flight was fine.
Oh.
I have no recollection of this piece.
No, no.
Not you, Klause.
[Laughing.]
[Hushed.]
Psst! Hey, hey, hey! Mary, why are you up there? Are are we in the wrong yard? No.
Chad, help.
I'm trapped.
[Door jostles.]
Oh, I got to go.
- Chad, that witch has got her! - Oh, no! Oh, no! What do we do? Should we call the police? Police can't stop witches.
We got to do it ourselves.
[Dramatic music.]
It's all here all the terror has landed.
All right, so, I trampoline bounce onto the witch's roof and enter through the chimney.
Hopefully, she's not the "Hansel and Gretel" kind.
Then what? - I save her.
- Perfect plan.
One more thing don't look into the witch's eyes.
That's how she curses you.
Now, let's go get my - mo-o-o-o-m-m-m - We're coming, Mary! Just to be clear, bud, you shouldn't ever do this not normally.
Only if you're, like, going after a witch - that's getting at your mom.
- I know, I know.
[Grunts.]
- Ready? - Almost now! [Grunts.]
[Yells.]
[Grunting.]
[Creaking.]
[Noise.]
[Giggles.]
What? Oh, I hope that's not what I think.
[Sighs.]
I really must move, Klause.
You would not believe the neighbors.
- They're animals.
- Hey.
Clarence: I'm on the roof, Chad! - Chad, look how high I am! - No, no, no, no! I can see everything! There's Belson's house, and the school, and the mountains, and the sun That's great, buddy, but remember the plan.
One second! and the Earth, and the galaxy.
Okay, I-I'm gonna go down the chimney now! [Grunts.]
Uh, Chad? I think I'm stuck.
[Gasps.]
How does Santa do it? I'll save you, Clarence.
[Grunting.]
Ah, yes, it's all here.
I'm giddy with excitement.
[Gasps.]
[Ms.
Mushburger chuckles.]
[Gasps.]
Yeah, bye-bye.
Mwah! Another? Okay! Mwah! [Dramatic music.]
[Dramatic music stops.]
What to wear? [Mary grunts.]
[Gasps.]
Mary? [Screams.]
[Moans.]
Mary? Mary? [Moans.]
[Exhales.]
M-Ms.
Mushburger.
Please, don't curse me o-or eat me.
I don't know what you think you saw, but this is a performance-art piece, and it deserves to be seen in its proper context.
Wait.
The cauldrons and and everything? It was just It was all an art project? Yah, yah.
It's high art, avant-garde.
You wouldn't understand.
Huh! Well, I-I feel like a real dummy over here.
And let's not forget that you've broken into my house, so you will leave now, and I will be taking this.
Goodbye.
Now, remember don't look her in the eyes.
[Doorknob jostles.]
The witch! Remember the plan! Remember the plan! [Screaming.]
We have a petition for you to sign.
Give us back my mom! I think my other leg is broken.
Oof.
Aw, dip.
[Insects chirping.]
[Chad snores.]
Mom, are your legs ever gonna heal? Careful, Clarence.
They're still tender.
[Howling on TV.]
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [Laughs.]
Boys and ghouls, only 200 days left till Halloween! [Laughs.]
- Pfft.
High art.
Yeah, right.
- Told you she was a witch.
Early to bed Early to rise Picking my nose
[Upbeat music.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [Music.]
Nnyeh.
Wow.
Look at that tank top! Hm? Hey Clarence, why don't you take a look in the backyard? Hey, I've got something for oh! - Ms.
Mushburger [Chuckles.]
- Mary.
I brought you new book.
Oh, come on in, I guess.
[Laughs nervously.]
Book club's not for a couple weeks, not that I - Hmm - need a couple weeks.
- That's not why I'm here.
- Okay I'm going to my friend's art opening in Utah.
Ooh.
That sounds like fun.
Her paintings are a nightmarish depiction of the horrors that accompany solitary confinement.
Anyway, I'm expecting some important packages while I'm away, and I don't want them to be stolen.
You're right next-door, so, if you see any packages, would you please take them inside? You sure got a lot of keys here, heh heh.
These keys unlock more than doors.
[Tense music.]
Except this one with the red cover, it unlocks my front door.
Can I have this? - All right! You should probably go now! - Oh! Wow! Are you practicing for the cirque? [Grunting.]
Whew.
Oh.
My.
Goodness! A trampoliiiiiiiine! [Music.]
I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it! Well, enjoy your child.
I'll be back Sunday.
Don't forget the packages.
Tood-A-Loo.
Thanks, Mom, I love it! Oh! I love this trampoline.
[Laughs.]
Mom is that lady a witch? - The what? No.
- Well, she does witchy stuff and her house looks like a witch house for sure.
Clarence, she's just creative.
Yeah, but what about that one book club? [Guttural chewing.]
Okay, that was weird.
But come on, you guys don't believe in witches, do you? [Haunting music.]
I'm gonna go watch a "Blurbs" marathon on the TV.
Oh, but Chad, I had to cancel the cable to afford the trampoline.
- Oh.
- But I thought this would be better! You know, it'll give us us fresh air and exercise, you know? You mean, we can jump on it too? [All cheering.]
[Both panting.]
[Mary giggles.]
Mary: Come on, guys! This is a blast! [Both laughing.]
- Cannonball! - I have the coolest mom.
- Woo hoo hoo! Whoo! - Your dinner's getting cold! All right! Just a minute! I've almost got this flip down! - [Screams.]
Mary! - Mom! - Got any Kings? - Nope, go fish.
All right.
[Clears throat.]
Any Queens? - Go fish.
- That's impossible.
Okay, we've named every card in the deck.
Oh, really? - All right, that's enough Go Fish.
- Aw.
- How's that cast going? - Sore.
I just feel so silly breaking my leg on a trampoline.
WellI'm gonna get this TV working so you're not so bored.
[Grunting.]
Anything? Uh Anything? - Do you know what you're doing? - Not really.
Here we go public access! All right.
Way to go Chad.
Shoulder, shoulder.
Jazz hands! Jazz hands!! Whoa ooh whoa ooh whoa! - This is TV? - I think so.
Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Jazz hands! Whoa! You two are sweet, but you don't have to entertain me.
Go on jump on the trampoline.
You know, someone should enjoy it.
I can finally start on this book [Giggling.]
One, two, three! [Screams.]
All right.
Here we go.
Chapter one trepidation.
"A delitescent rapscallion deturp" [Sighs.]
"Deturpated.
" Okay, I know I know these aren't real words.
All right, world, what have you got for me? Hmm.
Been there.
[Chuckles.]
[Laughs.]
Oh! Ms.
Mushburger's packages.
[Whistles.]
What a place.
Okay.
Strange.
Ooh! Now, that'sa beautiful setup! [Panting, groans.]
Ow, no, no.
Ah, better rest a second.
[Grunts.]
Eh, why not? This has to be the brat-worst thing to ever happen.
Blegh.
I'm telling ya, bud.
I hit the jackpot.
Cha-ching! [Laughs.]
Newscaster: Dentists Are they good for you? Your children Are they bad for you? [Snickers.]
Coming up on the 6:00 o'clock news.
[Gasps.]
It's almost 6:00 already? [Grunting.]
- Whew.
- Mom, we're back! Sorry we were gone so long.
We brought you back pizza, through.
And then, I found this hat.
It was super fun.
You couldn't come 'cause of your leg.
- Sorry.
- Ah, it's fine, though.
I read my book.
- Oh, what's it about? - Oh, uh yes.
Uh, it is It's about a, uh, man.
[Munching.]
Wow.
Uh, how 'bout some TV with dinner, huh? [Dialing.]
- Good evening.
- Man: I'm calling you, man.
- Yeah, but why you calling me? - I saw you're number.
Nah, peace.
[Phone hangs up.]
Oh, okay, what do we got? [Phone dials.]
Good evening.
- Hi.
- Hello, honey.
Woman: Yeah, uhhey, how's it, uh Hey, we could watch TV at Ms.
Mushburger's.
- I got a key.
- Huh! You crazy? She'd definitely flip if she found out we touched any of her stuff.
Witches hate that.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Yeah, you're probably right.
[Panting.]
[Chad yawns.]
Morning.
Thought we'd go for a car ride today, or Actually, I-I think I'm just gonna stay home and read, but if you're feeling super helpful, I got these chores - that need to get done.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Uh, "dry cleaning, car wash " - Yay! Chores! [Tires screech.]
[Giggles.]
Who knew going on two dates at once would end up being a total pizzaaster? [Mary laughs.]
[TV theme song plays.]
[Crashing.]
[Theme music continues.]
German George: And after our date, she said she was thinking about - becoming a nihilist again.
- Now, that is the brat-worst.
[Laughs.]
I get it now! [Laughs.]
Oh, shoot! Well, I think there is a shower upstairs.
[Door closes.]
Clarence: Hmm.
- Who do you think it's from? - Your mom.
Oh.
Want to jump on the trampoline? [Laughing.]
Ah, nothing like a hot bath to [Gasps.]
[Speaks indistinctly.]
She's back! No! Wha! Ahh! [Grunts.]
Shoot! She's gonna flip if she sees me in her stuff.
I got to hide.
No, the flight was fine.
Oh.
I have no recollection of this piece.
No, no.
Not you, Klause.
[Laughing.]
[Hushed.]
Psst! Hey, hey, hey! Mary, why are you up there? Are are we in the wrong yard? No.
Chad, help.
I'm trapped.
[Door jostles.]
Oh, I got to go.
- Chad, that witch has got her! - Oh, no! Oh, no! What do we do? Should we call the police? Police can't stop witches.
We got to do it ourselves.
[Dramatic music.]
It's all here all the terror has landed.
All right, so, I trampoline bounce onto the witch's roof and enter through the chimney.
Hopefully, she's not the "Hansel and Gretel" kind.
Then what? - I save her.
- Perfect plan.
One more thing don't look into the witch's eyes.
That's how she curses you.
Now, let's go get my - mo-o-o-o-m-m-m - We're coming, Mary! Just to be clear, bud, you shouldn't ever do this not normally.
Only if you're, like, going after a witch - that's getting at your mom.
- I know, I know.
[Grunts.]
- Ready? - Almost now! [Grunts.]
[Yells.]
[Grunting.]
[Creaking.]
[Noise.]
[Giggles.]
What? Oh, I hope that's not what I think.
[Sighs.]
I really must move, Klause.
You would not believe the neighbors.
- They're animals.
- Hey.
Clarence: I'm on the roof, Chad! - Chad, look how high I am! - No, no, no, no! I can see everything! There's Belson's house, and the school, and the mountains, and the sun That's great, buddy, but remember the plan.
One second! and the Earth, and the galaxy.
Okay, I-I'm gonna go down the chimney now! [Grunts.]
Uh, Chad? I think I'm stuck.
[Gasps.]
How does Santa do it? I'll save you, Clarence.
[Grunting.]
Ah, yes, it's all here.
I'm giddy with excitement.
[Gasps.]
[Ms.
Mushburger chuckles.]
[Gasps.]
Yeah, bye-bye.
Mwah! Another? Okay! Mwah! [Dramatic music.]
[Dramatic music stops.]
What to wear? [Mary grunts.]
[Gasps.]
Mary? [Screams.]
[Moans.]
Mary? Mary? [Moans.]
[Exhales.]
M-Ms.
Mushburger.
Please, don't curse me o-or eat me.
I don't know what you think you saw, but this is a performance-art piece, and it deserves to be seen in its proper context.
Wait.
The cauldrons and and everything? It was just It was all an art project? Yah, yah.
It's high art, avant-garde.
You wouldn't understand.
Huh! Well, I-I feel like a real dummy over here.
And let's not forget that you've broken into my house, so you will leave now, and I will be taking this.
Goodbye.
Now, remember don't look her in the eyes.
[Doorknob jostles.]
The witch! Remember the plan! Remember the plan! [Screaming.]
We have a petition for you to sign.
Give us back my mom! I think my other leg is broken.
Oof.
Aw, dip.
[Insects chirping.]
[Chad snores.]
Mom, are your legs ever gonna heal? Careful, Clarence.
They're still tender.
[Howling on TV.]
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [Laughs.]
Boys and ghouls, only 200 days left till Halloween! [Laughs.]
- Pfft.
High art.
Yeah, right.
- Told you she was a witch.
Early to bed Early to rise Picking my nose