Alfred Hitchcock Presents s03e35 Episode Script

Oh, good evening.
I am on vacation from the rigors of television, and coming to you by remote pickup.
Our cameras are quite ordinary, but they are fastened to the longest extension chords in history.
However, I find this vacation quite exhausting.
Shuffleboard simply cannot be played from the prone position.
Incidentally, the captain informs me that changing channels is not only foolhardy, but also extremely dangerous, so I don't believe you ought to try it.
I understand that in my absence, you are to see a play based on the story, "Dip in the Pool.
" Having said that, I now return you to our studios.
It has been said that the galleries of Florence house half the great paintings of the world.
Just off the magnificent square known as the Piazza della Signoria is the Uffizi where one can see the masterpieces of Botticelli, Raphael and da Vinci.
Adjoining the square is the Medici's Palazzo Vecchio.
The what? The Palazzo Vecchio.
The City Hall which has been termed the most handsome public building in the world.
I'll bet that took a lot of graft.
William, it's all very well for you to act like a peasant in front of me, but please make an effort to hide it from In front of those culture-vultures? Don't worry, don't worry.
I'll just stay away from them.
I can amuse myself in Europe.
No doubt.
At the Folies Bergere, the casino in Cannes and all the bistros in between.
Yes, I do like to have a little fun.
I know exactly what would happen.
You'd gamble away all of the money in a week and I wouldn't see anything but a hotel room.
No thank you.
Aunt Jessie left that money to me and I'm going to do exactly what I've always wanted.
You're going to soak up $4,000 worth of culture and it's never going to show.
I could have gotten myself a convertible.
You know, that's the whole trouble with you, William.
If you can't drink it, wear it or ride in it, you think it has no value.
Very amusing.
That's the steward.
I sent for a drink.
Come in.
Here you are, sir.
I think you'll find these effective.
Oh, yes.
Are you sure this is very, very dry? Yes sir, very dry indeed.
Fine.
Have one on me.
Thank you, sir.
How much did you give him? A dollar.
A dollar! That's too much.
You won't impress anybody by over-tipping.
The proper thing is to do it at the end of the voyage.
You don't understand, dear.
These boys expect those extra tips.
William, stop showing off.
You know we have barely $1,500 left to spend in Europe.
If we're not more careful, we'll have to forget about Assisi.
It would be just dandy if we could forget about Assisi, Florence and Rome.
And you can drop in Pisa, too.
All right.
You don't have to enjoy it, but don't spoil it for me.
Why don't you send it back? Maybe you'll get a refund.
Oh! I'm so sorry.
I lost my balance.
That's one of the fascinations of traveling by ship.
There's adventure in every wave.
Emily! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I was talking to the nicest man.
What man? Where? Oh, he's gone now.
Come along, we'd better get dressed for dinner.
Hello there, Mr.
Renshaw.
Oh, hello, Botibol.
Nice to see you again.
Sit down.
My wife is still dressing.
So is mine.
Well, that gives us time for a drink, doesn't it? A martini? Sounds good.
But this time, it's on me.
I insist.
Steward, two martinis, please.
Very, very dry.
Well, have you decided on your itinerary yet? No, I think we'll just knock around a bit, try to avoid the usual vacation spots.
They can be a little desperate, you know.
How well I know! All those tourists soaking up all that culture.
Well, this isn't your first trip abroad, then? No, first by ship though.
Plane is much faster, but of course, it's not as pleasant.
How much is that? Here you are.
Keep the change.
Well, here's Oh, I'm so sorry.
Steward, we've had a little accident here.
Well, well, well Looks as if it's going to blow up into a very dirty night.
I hope you've got your sea legs, Botibol.
Never bothers me, sir.
We do a lot more rolling than this on the Long Island Sound.
I didn't know you were a yachtsman.
Well, I seldom have time to be anything more than a weekend sailor, I'm afraid.
Will you have another drink? No thanks.
I limit myself to one before dinner.
But I would consider a brandy afterwards.
Tell you what we'll do.
Why don't you meet me later for the pool? We'll have one then.
The pool? At night? No, no, the ship's pool.
The auction.
You thought I Of course, it's your first trip by boat.
No, it works this way.
Each day, the captain makes an estimate of the day's run, the distance we'll travel in the next 24 hours, and then chances are auctioned off to the passengers.
And the winning number walks off with the proceeds, minus 10% for seamen's charities.
Sounds interesting.
How many chances are there? Twenty.
Ten each way from the estimate.
And of course, there's the high field and the low field.
And how does that work? Well, the low field covers all the numbers below the smallest number in the range, and the high field works the same way at the other end.
You thinking of taking a flyer? I might.
How much do the chances sell for? It depends on how stiff the bidding goes.
I've known numbers to go for as low as L100.
British ship, of course.
Well, that's almost $300.
Almost.
But the chance of winning six or seven thousand attracts an awful lot of people.
Seven thousand! Well, have you picked your number yet? No, no, I'm not much of a gambler, I'm afraid.
What do you call playing the stock market? That's an entirely different proposition, my boy.
That's an investment based on a knowledge of the market, the soundness of the stocks You have detailed reports and a complete history of the company to guide you.
Inside information, eh? You can call it that if you like.
But a ship's pool That's a guessing game.
Oh, there you are.
You know Botibol.
Yes, of course, Mr.
Botibol.
How are you? How do you do, Mrs.
Renshaw? May I say that you look extremely beautiful tonight? Thank you.
Shall we go in to dinner now? Of course.
Later, Botibol? Later.
See you, Mrs.
Renshaw.
What on earth do you see in that awful man? Oh, Botibol's not a bad chap.
He tries.
Much too hard, if you ask me.
He's a bit of a braggart, I suppose, but he's not too hard to take in small doses.
I feel sorry for his wife.
She seems like a nice little woman.
But I do wish she'd ask him not to wear that plaid dinner jacket.
He looks like a third class master of ceremonies.
Given half a chance, I think that's just what he'd be.
He'd be quite a funny one, too! I suggested we have a brandy later at the ship's pool and he said, "The pool? Tonight?" He thought I meant a dunk in the pool.
Don't worry, Renshaw paid for the drinks.
William Never mind.
Let's go in to dinner.
I understand we're in for a bit of weather.
But it won't amount to very much, and it sort of livens things up, don't you think? Anyway, we're all good sailors at this table.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, Purser.
Yes, Mr.
Botibol? What's the trouble? Oh, there isn't any trouble.
I just wondered if the captain had made his estimate yet of the day's run.
Well, I imagine so, yes.
About how long ago would that be? Oh, some time this afternoon.
Would you say that, that was before it started to get rough? Yes, I suppose so.
He usually does it about 4:00.
I see.
And it was 6:00 when we started to roll, wasn't it? About then.
There's one other thing.
Do you think the captain knew that we were going to run into bad weather? I really couldn't say, Mr.
Botibol.
You see, it works like this.
The captain holds a little conference with the navigating officer.
They study the weather, then they make up their estimate.
I see, but if the weather were to be bad all night, it might be a very good idea to pick a low number.
What do you think? Well, perhaps it would.
I doubt if the captain allowed for a really rough night.
Yes, but if you could choose a number, what number would you chose? I really couldn't say, Mr.
Botibol.
You see, I don't know the range yet.
That isn't announced until the auction starts right after dinner.
Isn't that delicious? and I can already imagine a sense of grandeur on seeing Michelangelo's frescoes in the Sistine Chapel.
Excuse me, all.
Do you think we've slackened speed because of this weather? Oh, my word, yes, sir.
We'd have to slacken off speed in this weather, or you'd be throwing passengers all over the ship.
You know, I have a notion I'm going to make a bid.
Yes, I rather thought you had.
Oh, you did? Why? It's written all over your face, Botibol.
You've got that gambler's gleam in your eye.
Well, now, I wouldn't mind picking up $7,000, would you? No, not at all.
But I'd prefer better odds.
Or some inside information? Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has estimated the day's run, ending at midday tomorrow at 515 miles.
As usual, we will take the 10 numbers on either side of it to make up the range.
That means from 505 up to 525.
And for those who think the true figure will be still farther away, we'll have a low field and a high field.
Now we'll draw the first number You've made this trip before, Mr.
Renshaw.
How do those figures stack up with you? I don't know.
About average as I recall.
Number 515? Number 515? You're sure they don't seem lower than usual? No, I don't think so.
L125.
Thank you, sir.
You haven't got this auction rigged, have you, Botibol? Well, it's not in the bag, but I did have dinner with the purser.
What did he say? Oh, he doesn't know any more about it than I do, but he did say that the captain figured his estimate about 4:00 p.
m.
this afternoon.
And that was before the storm slowed us down.
Mmm-hmm.
One of the low numbers, huh? Better than that.
Lower field, if the storm keeps up all night.
Botibol, I really think you're on to something.
No, no, no, I won't bid against you.
You worked it out, you're entitled to it.
If somebody doesn't outbid you.
Now we have 505.
What are my bids for 505? L150.
L160.
That's a pretty high bid, isn't it? I imagine these fellows noticed the weather, too.
L200! Do I hear any advance on L200? How high do these bids go? It's hard to say.
I'd be prepared to go L250, L300.
That's almost $900! I couldn't go that high.
Well, I mean, I don't carry that much cash.
Oh, well, they'll take a check, I'm sure.
Yes, a check, of course.
Low field next.
As you all know, low field covers every number below the smallest figure in the estimate.
In this case, every number below 505.
So, what are my bids for low field? L90.
That's the lowest bid of the night.
Don't be fooled by it, my boy.
L90, I'm bid.
One hundred.
Thank you.
L175.
Thank you, madam.
L175.
We're going nicely, ladies and gentlemen.
L175.
Two hundred.
Two hundred.
L250.
Thank you, sir, L250.
Is there any advance? Going for L250.
L260.
Seventy.
Eighty.
L300.
L325.
L350.
I have a bid of L350.
Is there any advance? Going for L350.
Going Going Gone.
Congratulations, Botibol.
Yes, thank you.
L350.
$980.
Shouldn't wonder if the pool runs a bit higher than usual.
There's almost Ten thousand? That much? That's fine.
That's fine.
I can use it.
Ethel, will you turn out the light, please? There are no lights on, William.
It's morning.
William, I've been revising our Paris tour.
If we do the Louvre and Napoleon's tomb the same day, we can manage one evening of entertainment.
I suppose you'd prefer to have it in Paris, but we have to watch the pennies and watch the tips.
Look, Ethel, you're going to find out soon enough, so I might as well tell you myself.
I had a little bad luck.
Oh, William, you haven't been gambling again! You know every penny of that money is budgeted.
But I was so sure that I could win.
And if I had, we could've taken all the tours and had something left over.
But you didn't win.
You never do.
Well, if we bypass Assisi, we can save $50.
Was it that much, William? No, it wasn't $50.
Well, that's something.
What's the matter with you? You look terrible.
I think I'm going to get seasick.
William, you always manage to do things backwards.
Last night, they could barely keep the dishes on the table, and it didn't bother you at all.
And now, when the sea is flat as a pond, you have to go get seasick.
Just leave me alone, please.
Oh! Lovely weather, isn't it, Mr.
Botibol? Lovely.
Yes, it certainly cleared up in a hurry.
What time did the wind drop? Around 4:00 a.
m.
, I think.
And we're going quite fast now, aren't we? Yes, we certainly are.
We have to make up the time that we lost, you know.
Excuse me, please.
Well, hello, Botibol.
How do you do, Mr.
Renshaw? Mrs.
Renshaw.
Hello, Mr.
Botibol.
Why don't you sit down here and amuse my husband? Don't let me chase you away, Mrs.
Renshaw.
I have an appointment with the hairdresser.
Sit down.
Well, Botibol Oh, before it slips my mind, there's a small card game brewing up for after lunch.
Would you care to sit in? No, thank you.
Oh, really? I had an idea you'd be just the man for a little table stakes.
Well, how does your low field look this morning? Looks like I ran out of the money.
Oh, I don't know.
That storm lost us considerable time while it lasted.
We've made all that time up.
The only way I could possibly win now would be to put this vessel in reverse and go full speed astern.
You might be able to get the captain to do that for you for a percentage of the profits.
I'm sorry, Botibol.
It wasn't a very good joke, was it? I remember now you said that most of your cash had gone into the pool.
Yes, that could be very embarrassing.
You must know.
You play the market.
I can remember a few bad days.
Oh, well, then you're just the man to give me some expert advice.
Anybody can have hindsight, my boy.
I thought myself it was a good venture.
Last night.
But how did you break the bad news to the little woman? Frankly, I didn't.
Never let on there was anything wrong.
Yes, well, you see, that won't work in my case.
I have just enough money left to tide us over until the next boat back.
Really? I'm sorry to hear that, Botibol.
But it's only 9:00.
Anything could happen in the next three hours.
Such as? Oh, engine trouble, bad weather Anything that would slow us down.
Well, if you'll excuse me.
Thanks.
Or I could drown myself.
That should do it.
But I wouldn't drown I'm a very good swimmer.
I could keep afloat until they came back to pick me up.
They'd have to stop the ship, lower a lifeboat, row back and then return to the ship.
The whole thing would take at least an hour.
That would be enough.
That would take 30 miles off the day's run.
Low field would be a cinch then.
I've got to be sure that someone sees me go over.
Can't take any chances there.
Somebody with good eyesight and good hearing.
A woman.
Let her get hysterical.
The louder she screams, the better.
Hello.
Oh, it's you.
Yes, I do believe it is.
How did you know? Well, you said every wave That's right.
That's right, I remember.
I'm relieved.
I thought for a moment you were being psychic.
Why do you say that? I don't know.
I came up here and I said, "Hello," and you turned around and said, "Oh, it's you.
" Well, I mean, how did you know I was here? I was listening.
I have on tennis shoes.
Well, I had no trouble hearing you.
Are you going to play deck tennis? Yes, yes.
I have to get my exercise.
Never miss it, you know.
Well, it's nice to have seen you again.
Thank you.
Hearing good, eyesight adequate.
You're it, lady.
Scream the gulls down when I go over.
Take a deep breath.
That goes for you too, lady.
Remember, this is for $10,000 on low field.
Maybe she's got a number herself.
A high one.
She wouldn't scream at all.
For $10,000 she'd let me drown.
By the way, we were wondering why we don't see you around much in the evenings? Oh, I am.
Sometimes.
Really? Were you at the auction last night? The auction? Well, you know, the lottery they hold in the lounge where they sell chances on the ship's daily run.
I didn't know.
I go to bed so early.
I'm very lazy.
I see.
Well, maybe we'll see you there this evening.
Have to get back to my exercise.
Help! Help! Emily, I've been searching the ship from top to bottom.
I can't take my eyes off you for a second.
A man just jumped overboard with all his clothes on.
Nonsense.
He said he wanted to get some exercise and he just dived in.
Oh, Emily, for heaven's sake there's no one there.
Come along.
Come along, let's go back to the cabin.
And you must promise me not to go wandering about alone anymore.
Otherwise, you'll not be allowed to take any more trips.
Such a nice man.
He waved to me.
You will be pleased to know that our story had a happy ending.
The ship was delayed by engine trouble so that Mr.
Botibol won the pool.
Regrettably, Mr.
Botibol was not there to enjoy the money, but his wife and her second husband had a very good time with it.
Our voyage should be over in a few minutes, but we're approaching rough water.
I think I shall move near the railing.
You stay here, however, for I shall weave back in just one minute.
That was worse than I expected.
And to add insult to injury, the captain has asked me to get off the ship.
He claims I'm tipping it over.
It's absurd, of course, but all the passengers are with him.
And it's jump or be pushed.
So, until next week, bon voyage.