Melissa & Joey s03e36 Episode Script
Maybe I'm Amazed
Previously on "Melissa and Joey" Hey, Marco.
I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Zander.
If this is about me and Lennox, trust me Nothing happened.
Joe would be so embarrassed if he knew you told me all of his secrets.
You'll never guess that Joe has a 13-year-old daughter, he knows nothing about.
A secret daughter? I feel good now.
All right, ahem.
I'm ready to do my vows now.
"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
"Joe, as we start our journey together" I I have a daughter? What what the hell are you talking about? Honey, I didn't interrupt you when you did your vows.
You just told me I have a daughter! With with who? Where is she? None of this daughter stuff's important.
Or even true.
Go on, Mel.
Everyone wants to hear your vows.
Hey, Mel.
I need some answers.
Joe, now? Joseph, my advice If you're gonna put your life on hold every time there's a report of an illegitimate child, you're never gonna accomplish anything.
Thanks, daddy.
Happy to help, pumpkin.
Ahem.
Will you excuse me? I I just need a minute.
Oh, uh We'll be back in a jiffy.
Um, this will be the perfect time to admire the work of our florist.
Isn't Germaine fabulous? Sync & Corrections by Darcade This information about your daughter was told to me in confidence.
I get it.
You gave your word.
You don't wanna break it.
Who told you?! Confidence means I can't tell you.
And please keep your voice down.
Ow! What? I didn't tell him anything.
- Theresa, come here.
- Look All right, spill it.
I can't.
I just can't.
Okay, fine.
That's the way you wanna play it, then I might just have to tell Mom a little story about her beloved cat who she thought ran away, but actually ended up in the tire treads of your minivan.
You know what? No one needs to know about Mr.
Whiskers.
Yeah, and nobody will if you cooperate.
Capisce? Okay.
Remember that new year's after you graduated when you came home to visit and you reconnected with you-know-who from down the street? - Felicia? - Felicia.
- Felicia.
- So good, it's hot Felicia.
Now we know.
Okay, let's go get married.
Don't anybody go far! Marco, go stand by the exit.
Nobody gets out.
I don't care what's going on in there, this wedding is happening today! You seriously believe that? Absolutely.
Well, I wouldn't put money on it.
Hey, Len, since we have some downtime here, I was wondering if maybe you could caption some of these photos I found on Marco's phone.
- Where did you get this? - Oh, he asked me to hold it for him.
I'm guessing to make sure I see the highlights from your trip to Jersey.
Ooh! Yeah, that one was my favorite too.
How could you not tell me that I have a daughter?! You never asked? Are you almost done? Because there's a bunch of people out there waiting for a wedding.
Mom, how can you be so calm? You just found out you have a brand-new granddaughter.
Sweetheart, one crisis at a time.
Let's get you married, and make this child legitimate.
That's not how it works! Why didn't Felicia tell me? I don't know.
You'll have to ask her.
Oh, but you can't.
She never wants to talk to you again.
Oh, Felicia Mancini? She was hot stuff.
- Excuse me? - Oh, honey After a baby, she's probably like this.
So where is Felicia now? She moved to Fort Wayne to raise the girl.
The daughter's name is Dani.
Dani? My daughter's name is Dani.
- Yeah.
- 13 years I missed out on everything.
You know what? I bet that I can find her.
Hold on a sec.
Hey, darling Good news.
One of the girls from Qantas says I can stay at her place tonight, so you don't have to worry about getting me a hotel room.
Wow.
You always think of others, don't you, Daddy? Yes, I do! Hash it out, lovebirds.
Joe, look I know this is a lot to take in, but I have been on a juice fast for a week now, so if we don't get married in the next half-hour, I'm gonna pass out.
And I passed the cake on my way in And it talked to me.
Mel, I'm sorry, but I just found out that I have a daughter Oh, my God! Here's the link.
Wait a minute.
"Danny Mancini, proud dock worker, died age 84.
" That might not be her.
Hey, are you guys okay? Everybody's wondering what's going on.
You just walked away from me, Lennox.
Because something significant is going on in here.
Well, I think something pretty significant is happening here too, 'cause you were making out with Marco.
Uh, while you and I were on a pause! On a pause from the truth apparently.
Could you guys take this maybe, oh, I don't know, anyplace else?! Knock-knock.
Just so you know Uncle Eddie got into the champagne and let the doves loose.
- My doves! - Don't worry.
I'm luring them back into the cages with crab cakes.
My crab cakes! He's such a good boy.
Yeah, I don't know what we'd do without him.
Would you put your phone down, and please marry this girl?! Give him some time.
Let him process this.
You have two minutes.
Okay, Zander, it was one Maybe two or three kisses.
What is the big deal? The big deal is you told me nothing happened.
I can't be with someone I can't trust.
You're living with those girl roommates Dancer Jordan and "I'm allergic to bras" Chris.
How do I know I can trust you? You know what? You don't have to worry about trusting me anymore.
We're done.
Well, that's just perfect.
No Twitter, no Facebook I thought kids today are supposed to be all over the Internet.
Yeah, it's like she doesn't wanna be found by a strange man.
Hey, guys.
Um, is this a bad time? Yes! Okay, I'm gonna make it quick then.
Uh, my plans for next year, they do not include college.
- Okay, see ya.
- What?! Wait.
When did you decide this? Um, a while back.
And, hey, listen, since this wedding's kind of like 50-50 at this point, is it okay if I have some of the cake? Don't you dare.
Nobody will notice.
I'll take it from the back.
Okay, can't you see this is not a good time? I only had one lunch today! All right, decision time.
What are we doing? Let's get married.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah.
I'll, uh I'll put my game face on and just get through it.
No, Joe.
We can't start the rest of our lives like that.
You need to get your head together.
Why don't you call Felicia and get the whole story? I have her phone number.
But you didn't get it from me.
I lost my phone and you found it.
Oh, honey.
You don't need an alibi.
Her father's in the river.
He can't hurt us anymore.
What about the wedding? We can get married tomorrow.
Sure.
Everybody stays put, we put the shrimp on ice.
No reason this can't happen.
Won't this place already be booked? Not on a Monday.
What idiot gets married on a Monday? My two favorite ones.
Felicia, uh, hi.
It's Joe again.
Um, I really need you to call me back, okay? Look, my number is, um Well, it's the same as it was on the other 12 messages that I've left you.
So Call me back, please.
Thanks, bye.
You know, she might not wanna talk to you.
Well, she's gonna have to if I'm sitting on her doorstep.
Fort Wayne's only a two-hour drive from here.
I'll call you from the road.
- Wait.
- Mel, this is something that I have to do.
I know, that's why I'm going with you.
Aw, honey.
To prevent me from flying off the handle? Well, not just that.
But mostly that.
That's good, Joe.
Deep calming breaths.
And I will remind you once again that Felicia holds all the cards here.
Yeah? I hold some of the cards too.
All right? Four-of-a-kind, and they're all me.
So you feel no need to make any sense right now? No, I do not.
Joe.
What a surprise.
Yeah? Letting me fill your voice-mail up didn't tip you off that I may show up here? Hi, I'm Mel.
Joe's fiancee.
I was supposed to be his wife by now, but a little something came up.
The daughter that I never knew I had.
Uh-huh.
Why don't you come in and let me get you a glass of matcha green tea before you get back on the road? I didn't come here for tea.
- We'd love to! - I just Oh, I'm so glad we caught you at home.
You almost missed me.
I leave in a couple of days.
Oh, that's right.
You tour with rock bands.
Are you a backup singer? Acupuncturist.
Aging rockers Their backs go out all the time.
That makes so much sense.
How did you get in that line of work? - Well - Really? Small-talk now? - Where is Dani? - Dani? Uh, Dani's not here right now.
When will she be back? Pfft.
Teenage girls Who knows? You can't microchip them.
How could you not tell me that I have a daughter? Felicia, you have such a cozy house here.
And look at all these buddhas.
You know, some people say he's overweight.
But I think he is just comfortable with his own body, and that is truly enlightened.
So what'd you tell Dani about me? Just that her bio dad was an old friend who helped me out by getting me pregnant.
"Bio dad"? So what am I, like some kind of a test tube now? Why don't I get that green tea? It's very calming.
Make Joe's a double.
And add some scotch.
Felicia, when am I gonna get to meet Dani? Maybe when she's 18 and I can't stop her, you know, legally.
That's not right, Felicia.
Joe, it's been great seeing you.
Look, I put these in to-go cups.
You can take 'em with you.
And please, recycle.
I am not leaving here until I meet my daughter This has been great, but we've gotta get going now.
- No, we don't.
- Actually, we do.
- Mel, listen to me - Joe, now.
I am not leaving I am not leaving, honey.
Ow! Hey! Hey, you just pinched my elbow.
I think you're gonna wanna see this.
Bake sale? You think I need a cookie right now? It is a community fund-raiser at Dani's middle school happening right this very minute.
That's where she is.
Ohh See? Other people have ideas.
I never said that you didn't.
You implied it with your tone.
No, it's just how you took it.
No.
Watch the top.
Watch the top! We're watching the top, ma! You know, if it would help, I could just kinda eat the top down a little bit for you.
No, we need your appetite for more important things.
Before all this spoils, somebody has to eat it.
Start with the dairy and work your way up to the meats.
That's a lot of food, Ma.
I can do it.
I was born for this job.
Okay, you deliberately sabotaged my relationship with Zander.
You need to tell him what happened between you and me was nothing.
So you want me to lie to him? No! Tell him the truth.
As I remember it.
I don't know, Lennox.
If what happened between us was nothing, then nobody would be upset.
And I don't think the nip slip there in the photo booth was an accident.
That's your nipple.
Doesn't make it any less beautiful.
Would you be displeased if I kissed you right now? Oh, my God.
Just being with you reminds me of what a great guy Zander is.
All right, so look, Mel, when we get in there, we will split up until we find Dani, all right? - It shouldn't be too hard.
- Okay.
This is gonna be impossible.
No no no, we'll just go table by table until we find her.
No, I meant staying on my juice fast with all these goodies taunting me.
Okay, look, when we find Dani, we've gotta stick to Felicia's story, okay? At least for now.
Hello there, young lady.
Wow, look at all these lovely things you've baked.
You've been working very hard, huh? Ooh.
So, uh, what's your name? Why do you wanna know? Oh, I'm just, uh, you know, interested in Young girls and their names.
What? Is this man bothering you, Erica? Erica, of course! Yes.
You don't look like me.
Heh.
Have a nice day.
You know the best stuff in this whole bake sale is on this table.
Oh, you know what? They look great, but I'm kinda on this juice fast.
You? But you're so skinny.
And it's just one little cookie.
- Well, okay, fine.
- Cheaper if you buy the whole bag.
Yeah, I don't need the whole bag.
Oh, I get it.
You're saving room for pie.
Good call.
It's only $7.
- No, thanks.
- Oh, I see.
Not your first bake sale.
Tell you what, I'll give you two for 10.
Really, I'm fine.
I'll throw in a bag of scones.
Wow.
Do you ever quit? Was I coming on too strong? People tell me I'm a little pushy.
I don't know where I get it.
Oh, my Joe! Joe! I found the most amazing cookie And it looks like it was made with your batter.
Dani? How do you know my name? I'm I'm actually An old friend of your mom's.
I've always wanted to meet you.
Why? Well, um Because back when I When I knew your mom How long ago was that? Like 14 years ago.
So, my age plus I don't know, nine months? Sounds about right.
Then that would make you My dad? It would.
The sperm donor.
That's me.
The gay sperm donor.
- Say what? - Yep, that's him.
Mom told me all about you.
You were a backup dancer for Madonna, and it was Mom's first tour.
And she asked you to do her a favor.
Okay, I'm I'm gonna clear something up for you right now.
Madonna was a pleasure to work with.
Oh, my gosh! This is so amazing.
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
You want a free bag of bloodies or something? Yeah, sure.
That would be nice.
Oh, my God! I have the best idea.
I should introduce you to our theater teacher, Mr.
Ellington.
He's really cute and he just broke up with his boyfriend, so he's available.
We found her! So, how do you feel? I'm not sure.
I was at the altar ready to marry my best girl, and a few hours later, the daughter I never knew is About to set me up on a gay blind date.
Relax.
It's probably just coffee.
This this is not right.
Okay? I came all this way and Dani doesn't even know who I really am.
Look, for Dani's sake, you have to stick with Felicia's story.
Mr.
Ellington will be over in just a second.
He checked you out and wanted to freshen up his hair gel.
That's great.
Listen Dani, it's been so nice to meet you.
But I I have to go.
- But I just met you.
- I know.
And I'm sorry about that.
It's just Mel and I are getting married tomorrow.
- This Mel? - Mel Vin.
My, um Man-bride.
So tell Mr.
Ellington that Joe is flattered, but he is spoken for.
Wait.
You guys are a couple, aren't you? You're the ones getting married.
Oh, my God, I can't believe all these years my mom lied.
My dad's straight? What am I gonna tell my friends?! Zander? Are you home? Oh, boy.
Hey, I hope I'm not waking you, but well, since I probably did Um, can we talk just a little? Hey, you.
What are you, uh What are you doing here? Look, I'm sorry I came over without calling, but this will be quick.
I should have been totally up-front with you about Marco, but, you know, my less-than-honesty came from a very good place.
It really did.
Yuh-huh.
It's just, you know, the past two weeks that we've been back together have been amazing, and I didn't want that to get all messed up by some stupid kiss in a photo booth.
Because that's all it was.
That makes sense, right? It does.
Makes a lot of sense.
And I think we should talk about all this later.
Oh, okay, so you forgive me? Of course I do.
It would be petty of me not to forgive you for something that happened once.
Bye now, talk soon.
Zander, whoa, Zander.
You're acting kinda weird about this.
Well, I'm weird with joy.
Okay, well, listen, I'm glad we worked this out and we're back together.
Yeah, me too.
Zander, I woke up and you were gone, so - Oh, hi, Leanne.
- It's Lennox.
Wow, sorry.
Uh, didn't realize I was interrupting.
Okay, wait.
I can explain, okay? After our big fight, I thought we were over.
And I was feeling terrible, so Chris, being a supportive roommate, was just trying to cheer me up.
Okay.
Well, next time you break up with someone, you might wanna wait, I don't know, um Maybe an hour before you jump in bed with the next woman you see.
Okay, in the future.
So Now that we know the whole story here And there are no good guys or bad guys We can all get past this.
I'm already past it.
Wh Good-bye, Zander.
But, Lennox Yeah, Gloria, we found her.
Well, she's pretty much just like Joe, only shorter.
You lied to me about everything! And louder.
Yeah, they are getting to know each other, and I'm staying out here on the porch where it's safe.
Dani, would you just calm down? Your aura, it's like bright red.
Probably because I grew up without a father because you couldn't be bothered to tell me the truth! Hey, it's not all my fault.
Well, he didn't do anything.
He didn't even know I existed.
- You don't even know - Mom, this is crazy! Ladies, ladies, ladies, if I can just interject something.
What would Buddha say? Probably "O.
M.
G.
, your mom totally sucks!" Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Look, maybe maybe Maybe I did this the wrong way.
I just really wanted to meet you.
Maybe if we just take a little time I could come back and we can try it again? You're leaving? Just for now.
Okay? But I'm not saying good-bye.
Here.
I wrote down my number for you on a piece of paper.
Okay? You call me anytime you want.
Okay? Ooh, I think he's coming now.
I'll keep you posted, Gloria.
Of course you'll be first.
Yes, before Theresa! Well At least I got to meet her.
They're packing up, leaving tomorrow.
Going on tour with Cheap Trick.
Ooh, Cheap Trick.
Do you think Felicia could get us backstage? I don't have to know right away.
This is what her mom wants.
You know, and as the test tube guy, I don't really get a vote here.
I know this has been a tough day.
I just wish there was a way I could make it better for you.
There is.
Marry me.
Well, that I can do.
And let me pick the radio station on the way home.
Yeah right.
Come on, honey, please.
I don't wanna go in there and have to explain this to everybody, Mel.
I think I'm just gonna sleep in the garage tonight.
Look, you'll see Dani again soon, and the next time it'll be easier.
I just gotta clear my head.
Well, I can help you with that.
Our house is full of our relatives right now.
- Well, how about in the car? - Are you serious? Right here on the street? Where anybody walking by can just see us? Let's do it.
Hey, guys.
Dani? What what are you doing here? Like I was gonna miss my dad's wedding.
Does your mom know that you're here? Are you kidding? She'd ground me till I'm dead if she knew.
Oh, by the way, you guys got $375 for the cab? Well, let's say $400.
Cab driver should get a tip, right? Oh, look at her, being all responsible and stuff.
I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Zander.
If this is about me and Lennox, trust me Nothing happened.
Joe would be so embarrassed if he knew you told me all of his secrets.
You'll never guess that Joe has a 13-year-old daughter, he knows nothing about.
A secret daughter? I feel good now.
All right, ahem.
I'm ready to do my vows now.
"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
"Joe, as we start our journey together" I I have a daughter? What what the hell are you talking about? Honey, I didn't interrupt you when you did your vows.
You just told me I have a daughter! With with who? Where is she? None of this daughter stuff's important.
Or even true.
Go on, Mel.
Everyone wants to hear your vows.
Hey, Mel.
I need some answers.
Joe, now? Joseph, my advice If you're gonna put your life on hold every time there's a report of an illegitimate child, you're never gonna accomplish anything.
Thanks, daddy.
Happy to help, pumpkin.
Ahem.
Will you excuse me? I I just need a minute.
Oh, uh We'll be back in a jiffy.
Um, this will be the perfect time to admire the work of our florist.
Isn't Germaine fabulous? Sync & Corrections by Darcade This information about your daughter was told to me in confidence.
I get it.
You gave your word.
You don't wanna break it.
Who told you?! Confidence means I can't tell you.
And please keep your voice down.
Ow! What? I didn't tell him anything.
- Theresa, come here.
- Look All right, spill it.
I can't.
I just can't.
Okay, fine.
That's the way you wanna play it, then I might just have to tell Mom a little story about her beloved cat who she thought ran away, but actually ended up in the tire treads of your minivan.
You know what? No one needs to know about Mr.
Whiskers.
Yeah, and nobody will if you cooperate.
Capisce? Okay.
Remember that new year's after you graduated when you came home to visit and you reconnected with you-know-who from down the street? - Felicia? - Felicia.
- Felicia.
- So good, it's hot Felicia.
Now we know.
Okay, let's go get married.
Don't anybody go far! Marco, go stand by the exit.
Nobody gets out.
I don't care what's going on in there, this wedding is happening today! You seriously believe that? Absolutely.
Well, I wouldn't put money on it.
Hey, Len, since we have some downtime here, I was wondering if maybe you could caption some of these photos I found on Marco's phone.
- Where did you get this? - Oh, he asked me to hold it for him.
I'm guessing to make sure I see the highlights from your trip to Jersey.
Ooh! Yeah, that one was my favorite too.
How could you not tell me that I have a daughter?! You never asked? Are you almost done? Because there's a bunch of people out there waiting for a wedding.
Mom, how can you be so calm? You just found out you have a brand-new granddaughter.
Sweetheart, one crisis at a time.
Let's get you married, and make this child legitimate.
That's not how it works! Why didn't Felicia tell me? I don't know.
You'll have to ask her.
Oh, but you can't.
She never wants to talk to you again.
Oh, Felicia Mancini? She was hot stuff.
- Excuse me? - Oh, honey After a baby, she's probably like this.
So where is Felicia now? She moved to Fort Wayne to raise the girl.
The daughter's name is Dani.
Dani? My daughter's name is Dani.
- Yeah.
- 13 years I missed out on everything.
You know what? I bet that I can find her.
Hold on a sec.
Hey, darling Good news.
One of the girls from Qantas says I can stay at her place tonight, so you don't have to worry about getting me a hotel room.
Wow.
You always think of others, don't you, Daddy? Yes, I do! Hash it out, lovebirds.
Joe, look I know this is a lot to take in, but I have been on a juice fast for a week now, so if we don't get married in the next half-hour, I'm gonna pass out.
And I passed the cake on my way in And it talked to me.
Mel, I'm sorry, but I just found out that I have a daughter Oh, my God! Here's the link.
Wait a minute.
"Danny Mancini, proud dock worker, died age 84.
" That might not be her.
Hey, are you guys okay? Everybody's wondering what's going on.
You just walked away from me, Lennox.
Because something significant is going on in here.
Well, I think something pretty significant is happening here too, 'cause you were making out with Marco.
Uh, while you and I were on a pause! On a pause from the truth apparently.
Could you guys take this maybe, oh, I don't know, anyplace else?! Knock-knock.
Just so you know Uncle Eddie got into the champagne and let the doves loose.
- My doves! - Don't worry.
I'm luring them back into the cages with crab cakes.
My crab cakes! He's such a good boy.
Yeah, I don't know what we'd do without him.
Would you put your phone down, and please marry this girl?! Give him some time.
Let him process this.
You have two minutes.
Okay, Zander, it was one Maybe two or three kisses.
What is the big deal? The big deal is you told me nothing happened.
I can't be with someone I can't trust.
You're living with those girl roommates Dancer Jordan and "I'm allergic to bras" Chris.
How do I know I can trust you? You know what? You don't have to worry about trusting me anymore.
We're done.
Well, that's just perfect.
No Twitter, no Facebook I thought kids today are supposed to be all over the Internet.
Yeah, it's like she doesn't wanna be found by a strange man.
Hey, guys.
Um, is this a bad time? Yes! Okay, I'm gonna make it quick then.
Uh, my plans for next year, they do not include college.
- Okay, see ya.
- What?! Wait.
When did you decide this? Um, a while back.
And, hey, listen, since this wedding's kind of like 50-50 at this point, is it okay if I have some of the cake? Don't you dare.
Nobody will notice.
I'll take it from the back.
Okay, can't you see this is not a good time? I only had one lunch today! All right, decision time.
What are we doing? Let's get married.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah.
I'll, uh I'll put my game face on and just get through it.
No, Joe.
We can't start the rest of our lives like that.
You need to get your head together.
Why don't you call Felicia and get the whole story? I have her phone number.
But you didn't get it from me.
I lost my phone and you found it.
Oh, honey.
You don't need an alibi.
Her father's in the river.
He can't hurt us anymore.
What about the wedding? We can get married tomorrow.
Sure.
Everybody stays put, we put the shrimp on ice.
No reason this can't happen.
Won't this place already be booked? Not on a Monday.
What idiot gets married on a Monday? My two favorite ones.
Felicia, uh, hi.
It's Joe again.
Um, I really need you to call me back, okay? Look, my number is, um Well, it's the same as it was on the other 12 messages that I've left you.
So Call me back, please.
Thanks, bye.
You know, she might not wanna talk to you.
Well, she's gonna have to if I'm sitting on her doorstep.
Fort Wayne's only a two-hour drive from here.
I'll call you from the road.
- Wait.
- Mel, this is something that I have to do.
I know, that's why I'm going with you.
Aw, honey.
To prevent me from flying off the handle? Well, not just that.
But mostly that.
That's good, Joe.
Deep calming breaths.
And I will remind you once again that Felicia holds all the cards here.
Yeah? I hold some of the cards too.
All right? Four-of-a-kind, and they're all me.
So you feel no need to make any sense right now? No, I do not.
Joe.
What a surprise.
Yeah? Letting me fill your voice-mail up didn't tip you off that I may show up here? Hi, I'm Mel.
Joe's fiancee.
I was supposed to be his wife by now, but a little something came up.
The daughter that I never knew I had.
Uh-huh.
Why don't you come in and let me get you a glass of matcha green tea before you get back on the road? I didn't come here for tea.
- We'd love to! - I just Oh, I'm so glad we caught you at home.
You almost missed me.
I leave in a couple of days.
Oh, that's right.
You tour with rock bands.
Are you a backup singer? Acupuncturist.
Aging rockers Their backs go out all the time.
That makes so much sense.
How did you get in that line of work? - Well - Really? Small-talk now? - Where is Dani? - Dani? Uh, Dani's not here right now.
When will she be back? Pfft.
Teenage girls Who knows? You can't microchip them.
How could you not tell me that I have a daughter? Felicia, you have such a cozy house here.
And look at all these buddhas.
You know, some people say he's overweight.
But I think he is just comfortable with his own body, and that is truly enlightened.
So what'd you tell Dani about me? Just that her bio dad was an old friend who helped me out by getting me pregnant.
"Bio dad"? So what am I, like some kind of a test tube now? Why don't I get that green tea? It's very calming.
Make Joe's a double.
And add some scotch.
Felicia, when am I gonna get to meet Dani? Maybe when she's 18 and I can't stop her, you know, legally.
That's not right, Felicia.
Joe, it's been great seeing you.
Look, I put these in to-go cups.
You can take 'em with you.
And please, recycle.
I am not leaving here until I meet my daughter This has been great, but we've gotta get going now.
- No, we don't.
- Actually, we do.
- Mel, listen to me - Joe, now.
I am not leaving I am not leaving, honey.
Ow! Hey! Hey, you just pinched my elbow.
I think you're gonna wanna see this.
Bake sale? You think I need a cookie right now? It is a community fund-raiser at Dani's middle school happening right this very minute.
That's where she is.
Ohh See? Other people have ideas.
I never said that you didn't.
You implied it with your tone.
No, it's just how you took it.
No.
Watch the top.
Watch the top! We're watching the top, ma! You know, if it would help, I could just kinda eat the top down a little bit for you.
No, we need your appetite for more important things.
Before all this spoils, somebody has to eat it.
Start with the dairy and work your way up to the meats.
That's a lot of food, Ma.
I can do it.
I was born for this job.
Okay, you deliberately sabotaged my relationship with Zander.
You need to tell him what happened between you and me was nothing.
So you want me to lie to him? No! Tell him the truth.
As I remember it.
I don't know, Lennox.
If what happened between us was nothing, then nobody would be upset.
And I don't think the nip slip there in the photo booth was an accident.
That's your nipple.
Doesn't make it any less beautiful.
Would you be displeased if I kissed you right now? Oh, my God.
Just being with you reminds me of what a great guy Zander is.
All right, so look, Mel, when we get in there, we will split up until we find Dani, all right? - It shouldn't be too hard.
- Okay.
This is gonna be impossible.
No no no, we'll just go table by table until we find her.
No, I meant staying on my juice fast with all these goodies taunting me.
Okay, look, when we find Dani, we've gotta stick to Felicia's story, okay? At least for now.
Hello there, young lady.
Wow, look at all these lovely things you've baked.
You've been working very hard, huh? Ooh.
So, uh, what's your name? Why do you wanna know? Oh, I'm just, uh, you know, interested in Young girls and their names.
What? Is this man bothering you, Erica? Erica, of course! Yes.
You don't look like me.
Heh.
Have a nice day.
You know the best stuff in this whole bake sale is on this table.
Oh, you know what? They look great, but I'm kinda on this juice fast.
You? But you're so skinny.
And it's just one little cookie.
- Well, okay, fine.
- Cheaper if you buy the whole bag.
Yeah, I don't need the whole bag.
Oh, I get it.
You're saving room for pie.
Good call.
It's only $7.
- No, thanks.
- Oh, I see.
Not your first bake sale.
Tell you what, I'll give you two for 10.
Really, I'm fine.
I'll throw in a bag of scones.
Wow.
Do you ever quit? Was I coming on too strong? People tell me I'm a little pushy.
I don't know where I get it.
Oh, my Joe! Joe! I found the most amazing cookie And it looks like it was made with your batter.
Dani? How do you know my name? I'm I'm actually An old friend of your mom's.
I've always wanted to meet you.
Why? Well, um Because back when I When I knew your mom How long ago was that? Like 14 years ago.
So, my age plus I don't know, nine months? Sounds about right.
Then that would make you My dad? It would.
The sperm donor.
That's me.
The gay sperm donor.
- Say what? - Yep, that's him.
Mom told me all about you.
You were a backup dancer for Madonna, and it was Mom's first tour.
And she asked you to do her a favor.
Okay, I'm I'm gonna clear something up for you right now.
Madonna was a pleasure to work with.
Oh, my gosh! This is so amazing.
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
You want a free bag of bloodies or something? Yeah, sure.
That would be nice.
Oh, my God! I have the best idea.
I should introduce you to our theater teacher, Mr.
Ellington.
He's really cute and he just broke up with his boyfriend, so he's available.
We found her! So, how do you feel? I'm not sure.
I was at the altar ready to marry my best girl, and a few hours later, the daughter I never knew is About to set me up on a gay blind date.
Relax.
It's probably just coffee.
This this is not right.
Okay? I came all this way and Dani doesn't even know who I really am.
Look, for Dani's sake, you have to stick with Felicia's story.
Mr.
Ellington will be over in just a second.
He checked you out and wanted to freshen up his hair gel.
That's great.
Listen Dani, it's been so nice to meet you.
But I I have to go.
- But I just met you.
- I know.
And I'm sorry about that.
It's just Mel and I are getting married tomorrow.
- This Mel? - Mel Vin.
My, um Man-bride.
So tell Mr.
Ellington that Joe is flattered, but he is spoken for.
Wait.
You guys are a couple, aren't you? You're the ones getting married.
Oh, my God, I can't believe all these years my mom lied.
My dad's straight? What am I gonna tell my friends?! Zander? Are you home? Oh, boy.
Hey, I hope I'm not waking you, but well, since I probably did Um, can we talk just a little? Hey, you.
What are you, uh What are you doing here? Look, I'm sorry I came over without calling, but this will be quick.
I should have been totally up-front with you about Marco, but, you know, my less-than-honesty came from a very good place.
It really did.
Yuh-huh.
It's just, you know, the past two weeks that we've been back together have been amazing, and I didn't want that to get all messed up by some stupid kiss in a photo booth.
Because that's all it was.
That makes sense, right? It does.
Makes a lot of sense.
And I think we should talk about all this later.
Oh, okay, so you forgive me? Of course I do.
It would be petty of me not to forgive you for something that happened once.
Bye now, talk soon.
Zander, whoa, Zander.
You're acting kinda weird about this.
Well, I'm weird with joy.
Okay, well, listen, I'm glad we worked this out and we're back together.
Yeah, me too.
Zander, I woke up and you were gone, so - Oh, hi, Leanne.
- It's Lennox.
Wow, sorry.
Uh, didn't realize I was interrupting.
Okay, wait.
I can explain, okay? After our big fight, I thought we were over.
And I was feeling terrible, so Chris, being a supportive roommate, was just trying to cheer me up.
Okay.
Well, next time you break up with someone, you might wanna wait, I don't know, um Maybe an hour before you jump in bed with the next woman you see.
Okay, in the future.
So Now that we know the whole story here And there are no good guys or bad guys We can all get past this.
I'm already past it.
Wh Good-bye, Zander.
But, Lennox Yeah, Gloria, we found her.
Well, she's pretty much just like Joe, only shorter.
You lied to me about everything! And louder.
Yeah, they are getting to know each other, and I'm staying out here on the porch where it's safe.
Dani, would you just calm down? Your aura, it's like bright red.
Probably because I grew up without a father because you couldn't be bothered to tell me the truth! Hey, it's not all my fault.
Well, he didn't do anything.
He didn't even know I existed.
- You don't even know - Mom, this is crazy! Ladies, ladies, ladies, if I can just interject something.
What would Buddha say? Probably "O.
M.
G.
, your mom totally sucks!" Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Look, maybe maybe Maybe I did this the wrong way.
I just really wanted to meet you.
Maybe if we just take a little time I could come back and we can try it again? You're leaving? Just for now.
Okay? But I'm not saying good-bye.
Here.
I wrote down my number for you on a piece of paper.
Okay? You call me anytime you want.
Okay? Ooh, I think he's coming now.
I'll keep you posted, Gloria.
Of course you'll be first.
Yes, before Theresa! Well At least I got to meet her.
They're packing up, leaving tomorrow.
Going on tour with Cheap Trick.
Ooh, Cheap Trick.
Do you think Felicia could get us backstage? I don't have to know right away.
This is what her mom wants.
You know, and as the test tube guy, I don't really get a vote here.
I know this has been a tough day.
I just wish there was a way I could make it better for you.
There is.
Marry me.
Well, that I can do.
And let me pick the radio station on the way home.
Yeah right.
Come on, honey, please.
I don't wanna go in there and have to explain this to everybody, Mel.
I think I'm just gonna sleep in the garage tonight.
Look, you'll see Dani again soon, and the next time it'll be easier.
I just gotta clear my head.
Well, I can help you with that.
Our house is full of our relatives right now.
- Well, how about in the car? - Are you serious? Right here on the street? Where anybody walking by can just see us? Let's do it.
Hey, guys.
Dani? What what are you doing here? Like I was gonna miss my dad's wedding.
Does your mom know that you're here? Are you kidding? She'd ground me till I'm dead if she knew.
Oh, by the way, you guys got $375 for the cab? Well, let's say $400.
Cab driver should get a tip, right? Oh, look at her, being all responsible and stuff.