Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998) s03e38 Episode Script

1 Drew: GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" ON TONIGHT'S SHOW -- SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER -- WAYNE BRADY.
HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE -- KATHY GREENWOOD.
STAYIN' ALIVE -- COLIN MOCHRIE.
AND MORE THAN A WOMAN -- RYAN STILES.
AND I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.
COME ON DOWN.
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.
HELLO.
WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE POINTS ARE JUST LIKE THE FUTURE OF UPN.
WHO CARES? IF YOU NEVER SAW THE SHOW BEFORE, WHAT HAPPENS IS THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO MAKE UP EVERYTHING YOU SEE RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF THEIR HEADS, AND THEN WE GIVE THEM THESE FAKEY POINTS.
AT THE END OF THE SHOW, WE PICK A WINNER.
THE WINNER GETS TO DO A LITTLE SOMETHING SPECIAL WITH ME, AND THE LOSERS -- WELL, THE LOSERS JUST BETTER BE LIMBER.
THAT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY.
LET'S GET STARTED WITH A GAME CALLED "WEIRD NEWSCASTERS.
" THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.
COLIN, YOU'RE THE ANCHOR OF A LOCAL NEWS SHOW.
KATHY IS HIS CO-ANCHOR.
KATHY, YOU'VE HAD ONE DRINK TOO MANY AT LUNCH AND YOU'VE LOST ALL YOUR INHIBITIONS.
OKAY.
WAYNE, YOU'RE DOING THE SPORTS.
YOU'RE AN UGLY HILLBILLY.
AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE PLAYING AN UGLY HILLBILLY WHO'S DESPERATE -- DESPERATE TO GET SOMEONE TO ACCEPT HIS MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.
OH.
OH, THERE'S MORE.
YEAH.
OKAY.
NO, YOU'RE NOT JUST AN UGLY HILLBILLY.
YOU'RE INDIANA JONES IN THE MIDDLE OF A HAIR-RAISING QUEST.
WHEN YOU HEAR THE MUSIC, TAKE IT AWAY, COLIN.
[ NEWS THEME MUSIC PLAYS .]
WELCOME TO THE 6:00 NEWS.
I'M YOUR ANCHOR LARS OF THE MOHICANS.
OUR TOP STORY [ DREW LAUGHING .]
ACCORDING TO A STATEMEN TODAY RELEASED BY THE NATIONAL VIAGRA ASSOCIATION, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, THE POINTS DO MATTER.
AND NOW WHY DON'T WE TURN IT OVER TO OUR BEAUTIFUL CO-ANCHOR FAY KITNIGHTLY? FAY.
OH, YOU CALLED ME BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, IT WAS ON THE CARD.
YOU'RE PRETTY CUTE YOURSELF.
YOU REALLY ARE.
I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT SO.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO SOMETHING WITH ME? WELL, THERE'S SOME NEWS WE COULD DANCE TOGET-- WE COULD -- I AM A GREAT DANCER.
I DANCE SO -- LIKE, I USED TO TAKE BALLET WHEN I WAS A KID, BUT HOLD ON.
READY? AND MORE ON THAT COMING UP LATER.
AND WHY DON'T WE HEAD OVER TO SPORTS RIGHT NOW WITH OUR SPORTS ANNOUNCER BUCKY OZARK? BUCKY.
[ IMITATES PIG SQUEALING .]
[ Hillbilly accent .]
HI.
HOW YOU FOLKS DOING? YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I'M JUST A POOR, SIMPLE MAN, LIVING OUT HERE IN THE WOODS, RELYING ON GOD'S OWN PROMISE TO FEED ME AND MY OWN.
BUT IT'S KIND OF LONELY, 'CAUSE ALL I CAN DO IS LOOK AT THEM OUT THERE PLAYING THEM SPORTS, BUT SOMETIMES, I GET AWFUL SAD AND I LOOK UP AT THE HEAVENS, AND I SAY, "LORD -- WHY CAN'T I HAVE ME A WOMAN TO CALL MY OWN?" AND THEN I REALIZE THAT TONIGHT, IN FRONT OF THIS HERE AUDIENCE AND MY COMPATRIOTS OVER IN THE NEWS SECTION, I'M GOING TO ASK THE PURTIEST WOMAN IN NECK HUMPIN' HOLLER TO MARRY ME.
I HOPE Y'ALL WOULD OBLIGE ME FOR A SECOND.
COME HERE FOR A SECOND.
YOU GOT TO PARDON HER.
SHE'S SO SHY.
I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU TO MARRY ME.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
[ IMITATES BANJO .]
BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO LOVE YOU I'D GIVE YOU A DOG ONCE WE GET STARTED, I'D RIDE YOU LIKE A HOG THAT IS THE REASON YOU CAN BE MY WIFE I WOULD LOVE YOU THE REST OF YOUR LIFE OH, I'D SHARE THINGS, EVEN BABY RUTH AND WE CAN EVEN SHARE MY TOOTH I WOULD LOVE YOU, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I WANT YOU TO BE MY HILLBILLY WOMAN WHOO! WHOO! THIS JUST IN -- HILLBILLY VIEWERSHIP DOWN.
NOW WHY DON'T WE GO OVER TO THE WEATHER WITH OUR WEATHERMAN BUD UGLY.
BUD? WELL, WE'VE GOT SOME RAIN MOVING IN OVER THE WEEKEND.
AS YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, WE HAD A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE -- 8.
1.
SHAKES.
WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SHAKES? I DON'T KNOW IF IT -- [ IMITATING WHIP CRACKING .]
NO! BACK TO YOU.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
JOIN US TOMORROW FOR MORE NEWS.
SEE YOU THEN.
[ NEWS THEME MUSIC PLAYS .]
CAN I HAVE ANOTHER SODA, PLEASE? I'LL GET YOU ONE, HONEY.
[ CHUCKLES .]
SO, UH THIS NEXT GAME IS FOR WAYNE, WITH LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
OKAY.
WHAT DO YOU DO -- WHAT'S YOUR NAME? CHRIS.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING, CHRIS? I PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR A LIVING.
YEAH, ME, TOO, DUDE.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU WORK FOR, LIKE, A COMPANY THAT MAKES THEM OR WHAT? A WEB SITE -- WE REVIEW THEM.
OH, YEAH.
WELL, COME ON DOWN.
COME ON DOWN HERE, CHRIS.
HOW YOU DOING? NICE TO SEE YOU.
COME ON OVER AND SAY HI TO WAYNE.
SAY THE NAME OF YOUR WEB SITE.
IF WE'RE ALLOWED TO SAY IT, WE'LL LET IT GO.
IF NOT, THEY'LL CUT IT OUT.
IT'S CALLED DAILY RADAR.
DAILY RADAR.
OKAY.
WAYNE, YOU'RE GOING TO SING A SONG TO CHRIS HERE, WHO PLAYS VIDEO GAMES FOR A LIVING.
HE REVIEWS VIDEO GAMES FOR A LIVING.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO SING TO HIM IN THE STYLE OF BRITNEY SPEARS.
SO GOOD LUCK.
[ PLAYING DANCE MUSIC .]
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BABY WHOA YEAH YOU YOUR NAME IS CHRIS I SING MY SONG OH, BABY, BABY, DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME OF PONG? UNDERSTAND THIS, I WOULDN'T EVER BREAK YA BUT I WOULD GIVE YOU A HUG IF YOU'D GIVE ME A GAME FROM SEGA UNDERSTAND, BABY, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES BRITNEY LOVE YOU YOU MAKE HER QUAKE AFTER THAT IS FINISHED IT WON'T BE LONG BOOKA, BOOKA, BOOKA, BOOKA DONKEY KONG CHRIS, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH HE'S CHRIS, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH HE'S CHRIS, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH HE'S CHRIS, WHY DON'T YOU REVIEW THIS? BOOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA UNDERSTAND UNDERSTAND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, I COULD BE YOUR PAC-MAN LET ME TELL YOU, BABY, I DIDN'T HAVE FUN DO YOU WANT TO COME ON A JUNGLE HUNT? AND AFTER THAT WAS FINISHED, OH, OH, WHOA I COULD HOLD YOU AND CALL YOU MY MARIO AND THAT IS FUNNY, BRITNEY'S GOT THE TRICK LOOK AT ME WORK MY JOYSTICK CHRIS [ IMITATING MICROPHONE STATIC .]
[ BUZZER .]
THANK YOU, CHRIS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE" RIGHT AFTER THIS.
DON'T GO AWAY.
WELCOME BACK.
THANKS FOR WATCHING, AND TRUST ME, KIDS, YOUR HOMEWORK CAN WAIT.
YOU DON'T NEED TO BE DOING HOMEWORK WHEN "WHOSE LINE'S" ON.
SKIP IT.
LET'S PLAY A GAME CALLED "ACTION REPLAY.
" THIS IS A GAME FOR WAYNE AND KATHY.
YOU'RE GOING TO ACT OUT A SCENE.
IN THE MEANTIME, RYAN AND COLIN ARE GOING TO COME OVER HERE AND PUT ON THESE HEADSETS THAT BLOCK ALL THE SOUND FOR THEM, AND THEY'RE GOING TO WATCH WAYNE AND KATHY, AND WHEN WAYNE AND KATHY ARE DONE ACTING THEIR SCENE OUT OW! THAT'S LOUD.
IF THEY CAN STILL HEAR AT ALL WHEN THE THING'S OVER.
THEY'RE GOING TO WATCH THEM, AND WHEN THEY'RE -- THESE GUYS ARE DONE WITH THEIR SCENE, RYAN AND COLIN ARE GOING TO ACT OUT THE SAME SCENE USING THE SAME BODY MOVEMENTS AND EVERYTHING THAT THESE GUYS USED, EXCEPT, OF COURSE, THEY HAVE TO MAKE UP DIFFERENT DIALOGUE.
WHENEVER YOU GUYS ARE READY, YOUR SCENE IS NEWLYWEDS FIGHT AND MAKE UP WHILE DOING THE LAUNDRY.
YOU KNOW, FIVE YEARS OF MARRIAGE TO YOU -- IT'S TOO MUCH.
THEN GET OUT OF HERE! HEY! IT'S MY HOUSE! YOU CAN'T KICK ME OUT OF MY -- LOOK, I'M WALKING OUT THE DOOR, I WALK IN, SLAM -- HEY, IT'S MINE! FINE.
E.
I DON'T -- YOU ARE NOT -- YOU ARE NOT RUNNING AWAY FROM ME.
YOU ARE NOT RUNNING AWAY FROM ME.
YOU ARE NOT RUNNING -- YOU ARE NOT RUNNING AWAY FROM ME.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO! YOU'RE STAYING RIGHT -- [ SOBBING .]
OH, I DIDN'T MEAN -- OH, I MADE YOU CRY AGAIN.
I SUCK AS A HUSBAND.
OH, HONEY.
NO, I DO.
NO, I DON'T DESERVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
I SHOULD JUST CRAWL ON MY BELLY LIKE A SNAKE.
I DON'T DESERVE -- I DON'T DESERVE -- I DON'T DESERVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
OH, PLEASE, LET'S NEVER FIGHT AGAIN.
I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THE FIGHT WAS ABOUT.
I THINK YOU WANTED TO SEGREGATE THE WHITES AND THE COLORS.
[ BUZZER .]
WE SWITCHED BEFORE WE STARTED.
OH! GO AHEAD AND RE-ENACT THE SCENE -- THE ACTION REPLAY OF THE SCENE WE JUST HEARD.
TAKE IT AWAY.
Colin: COME ON, DEAR.
WE GOT TO GET ALL THE ANIMALS ON THE ARK.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ANIMALS.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ANIMALS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? COME ON.
LOOK, IT'S RAINING! I DON'T CARE.
I'M LEAVING THE ANIMALS HERE.
YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE ANIMALS HERE.
WE HAVE TO PUT THEM IN THE ARK.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? IT'S RAINING! WELL, I THINK WE'RE ALL FULL UP TOP.
LIFT ME UP SO I CAN SEE THROUGH THE HOLE.
YEAH, WE'RE ALL FULL UP THERE.
YEAH, WE'RE ALL FULL.
YEAH, WE'RE ALL FULL.
WAIT.
WHAT? NOT ALL THE ANIMALS ARE HERE.
WE STILL HAVE NO SNAKES.
OH, ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO THE IMPRESSION.
WE STILL HAVE NO SNAKES.
COME ON, SNAKES! THEY'RE COMING! THEY'RE COMING! COME ON, SNAKES! KEEP GOING.
COME ON! KEEP GOING.
I SHOULDN'T REALLY BE GOING MYSELF.
OH, WAIT, I GOT CALLUSES ON MY TESTICLES.
AND WE ONLY BROUGHT TWO OF THOSE.
[ BUZZER .]
10,000 POINTS TO OUR CENSOR -- A HELL OF A GUY.
PROBABLY THE NICEST GUY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "PARTY QUIRKS.
" THIS IS FOR EVERYBODY.
KATHY, YOU'RE GOING TO HOST A PARTY.
WAYNE, COLIN, AND RYAN ARE GOING TO BE THE GUESTS.
TELL YOU WHAT, KATHY, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON DOWN? WE'VE GIVEN EACH OF THOSE GUYS A STRANGE QUIRK OR IDENTITY WRITTEN ON THOSE CARDS THEY'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
I'M GOING TO BRING YOU IN ONE AT A TIME WITH THE DOORBELL, AND, KATHY, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, START THE PARTY, AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHO THEY ARE AT THE END OF THE GAME.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
HI.
HEY, WOW.
THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME OVER.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY -- [ Faster .]
JEEZ, YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.
MAN, I CAN'T EVEN -- WOW, YOU ARE SO [ SPEAKING RAPIDLY .]
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
[ SPEAKING SLOWLY .]
[ Fast .]
WHY DON'T YOU GET THE DOOR? HI, COME ON IN.
SORRY.
BONJOUR.
[ IMITATES PIG SNORTING .]
HI.
OU EST? OU EST? [ SPEAKS FRENCH ANGRILY .]
OH, MY GOSH.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU? [ SPEAKS RAPIDLY .]
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
Kathy: EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE.
HI.
COME ON [ COLIN SNORTING .]
HI.
COME ON IN.
[ Imitating Carol Channing .]
WELL, THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME.
IT'S A PLEASURE.
WHOA! I SEEM TO BE STUCK HERE.
OH, WOW, LOOK AT THOSE GUYS.
[ SPEAKING RAPIDLY .]
LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN, MR.
FAST MOTION/SLOW MOTION FLIRT, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
[ BUZZER .]
THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.
AAH! LOOK AT -- [ SPEAKS FRENCH .]
ALL RIGHT, STOP BEING SO ANGRY.
THE TRUFFLES ARE OVER THERE.
[ BUZZER .]
CAN I HELP YOU AT ALL? THIS SHAG -- IT'S JUST GORGEOUS.
LISTEN, I -- THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN HAVING A DEPRESSED CAROL CHANNING AT YOUR PARTY.
Drew: NOT QUITE.
OH, MIGHTY LORD.
Kathy: AAH! ARE YOU OKAY? I'M FINE.
OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY? YES! [ BUZZER .]
HEY, DON'T STOP.
LET HER GET IT.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M FINE.
IT'S OKAY.
I'M GOOD.
GET UP.
STAND UP.
I'M AFRAID -- YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A SUTURE AROUND THE HOUSE, WOULD YOU? YES, I ACTUALLY DO, RIGHT HERE.
STOP PICKING THE GLASS IN MY HAIR.
CAROL? IT IS CAROL.
I USED TO BE.
I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYMORE.
TELL ME, AM I BLEEDING? NO, NO, YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU'RE NOT BLEEDING.
I CAN'T GET OFF THIS BECAUSE MY -- BECAUSE HIS WHAT KEEPS STICKING TO THINGS? DON'T MAKE ME RUN INTO ANYTHING ELSE.
OH, MY GOD.
CAROL CHANNING, WHOSE WHAT KEEPS WHO'S DRUNK AS A SKUNK? NO! HIS BLANK KEEPS STICKING TO BLANK.
YOUR HEAD IS VELCRO.
NO.
[ BUZZER .]
CLOSE ENOUGH.
CLOSE ENOUGH.
IS IT BLEEDING? NO.
WAIT, COME HERE, COME HERE.
HEY, IT'S ALWAYS FUNNY WHEN IT HAPPENS TO SOMEBODY ELSE.
WOW, MAN, YOU WENT ALL OUT ON THAT ONE.
THERE BETTER BE SOME EXTRA POINTS IN THIS.
I'M SORRY, WE SPENT ALL THE POINTS REPLACING THE GLASS.
WAS THAT LIT? OH, YEAH, IT WAS.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF YOUR HEAD BURST INTO FLAMES.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NEAT.
HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP? FOUR? UH, CLOSE ENOUGH.
HOW ABOUT ME? ALL RIGHT, STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHO THE WINNER IS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" TONIGHT'S WINNER -- KATHY GREENWOOD.
KATHY GREENWOOD'S THE WINNER AT THE END OF TONIGHT, WHICH MEANS THE REST OF US GET TO DO OUR FAVORITE GAME -- All: "HOEDOWN"! WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL ON PIANO.
LAURA HALL.
WHAT I NEED FROM YOU GUYS TO GET US STARTED IS A SUGGESTION OF A GLAMOROUS PROFESSION.
Man: PRO WRESTLER.
WRESTLER? OKAY.
WRESTLER HOEDOWN.
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, LAURA HALL, TAKE IT AWAY.
EVERY SATURDAY, I'M AT HOME DOING MY THING WATCHING GREAT BIG FELLERS RUN AROUND IN THE RING I SIT THERE, ME AND DREW TURN OFF THE SOUND AND THEN WE GET FREAKY AND DO OUR OWN VERSION OF SMACKDOWN WELL, I'M A WRESTLER, I LOVE IT, DON'T YOU SEE? IT'S REALLY HEALTHY AND I MAKE LOTS OF MONEY THE ONLY THING I DON'T LIKE THAT GIVES ME SUCH A FRIGHT IS WHEN I SEE RYAN IN HIS LITTLE TIGHTS I AM A WRESTLER, LET ME ON THE LOOSE OVER THE YEARS, I'VE TAKEN LOTS OF ABUSE MY HEAD HAS BEEN SMACKED I'VE BEEN HIT IN THE TURNBUCKLE BECAUSE OF ALL MY INJURIES, I'VE LOST THE ABILITY TO RHYME I HATE WRESTLING I THINK THEY'RE ALL ON THE TAKE THE WAY THEY THROW THEMSELVES AROUND I'M SURE THAT IT IS FAKE THE WAY THEY ACT YOU THINK THAT THEY'RE REALLY DEAD BUT CAN THEY BREAK A NEON LIGHT BY SLAMMING IT WITH THEIR HEAD? All: BY SLAMMING IT WITH THEIR HEAD WHOO! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE" RIGHT AFTER THIS.
HEY, WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE OUR MAN RYAN STILES READ THE CREDITS FOR US.
I WANT YOU TO READ THE CREDITS AS CAROL CHANNING WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE PULLS GLASS OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
THANKS FOR WATCHING, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
TONIGHT'S SHOW WAS DEVELOPED BY DAN -- OH, RYAN -- OH, DAN PATTERSON.
THAT MARK LEVESON.
BRUCE GOWERS IS SUCH AN ATTRACTIVE MAN.
OH, DREW CAREY LOOKS -- HE'S GOT TWO SHOWS.
HE'S REALLY GETTING AROUND.
STEVEN BLUM IS A DEAR.
OH, RON WEST IS A WONDERFUL WRITER, AND JOHN PERCHES' FILM RESEARCH IS JUST MARVELOUS.
OH, THE GAFFER IS CHRIS DALE.
HE'S SO GOOD.
I THINK -- OH, THERE'S A PIECE THERE.
-- Captions by VITAC -- CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC.
AND WARNER BROS.
INC.