Clarence US (2014) s03e39 Episode Script
Video Store
1 [Remote clicks.]
[Upbeat music.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [Music.]
[Laughter.]
- Movie time, movie time! - Movie night for the boys! We can watch a movie and stay up as late as we want, - my mom said.
- What are we gonna rent? Oh, "Skateboard Dog 2: Pup Police!" - Oh, yeah, that's right.
- I hope we get more of like - a dramadie, to be honest.
- What's a "dramadie" mean? It's a drama and a comedy put together.
Two movies, like, back to back? - No, it's - Like a Frankenstein! No, guys, guys Oh, we could get a Frankenstein movie! I like that! Hup, just put this in here.
- Whoa.
- Hello in there! Maybe it's a doorway to an alternate dimension.
Like a secret portal into another world [spooky music.]
and you go in and there's a guy with has goat legs and plays a little flute.
And everything's in B minor.
- Exactly! - Goat man! Goat man? Ma'am, we don't carry that film.
Well, here's how I feel about it I'll tell ya, since you asked.
Sorry, it's Vanessa? [Clattering.]
Uh, excuse me, guys? I'm trying to talk to my friend here about movies.
- Yeah, I heard.
- And you're making it very difficult.
Vanessa! [Smooches.]
- [Laughter.]
Okay.
- Are you dating Vanessa? - Very funny.
Listen - Who's Vanessa? - Can I help you with anything? - Vanessa: Hello? - Is there anything I can help you with? - Hello? My mom gave me $5.
00, and she said that we can get whatever movie we want, as long as it's not too much for grown-ups.
- $5.
00, sir.
- Also, she gave me this here! Rental world card.
- Vanessa: Hello? - Well, well, well.
- Hello, film-loving friends.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Uh, how do you do? Welcome.
- Hi! - Very good, sir, well.
Very well.
[Chuckles.]
Ah, I love it! Welcome to my rental world.
- I'd love to help you - Are these cutouts for sale? These cutouts no! These cutouts are not for sale.
Can I take one? Can I have one? No, those are for the [Imitates gunfire.]
Put that down! - Oh! Look out! - Put it down.
Can you please put it Put it down, please.
- Vanessa never is this mean to us.
- Now, look.
I feel like I've been put here on this planet so that I can guide the three of you into finding the ultimate film experience.
Do you guys see what I'm sayin'? What kind of movie that we want to get? That's exactly what I'm trying to tell you.
- I think we know.
- Yeah, well, we kind of came here - for "Skateboard Dog 2: Pup Police.
" - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good movie, right? - Yeah, you got that one? I-I forbid you to see that movie.
It's not But he's a police dog now! [Telephone ringing.]
Oh, I know.
I saw it.
- Vanessa! - Vanessa: Hello, I'm Calm calm down! Calm down, I'm just Clarence: I can't wait to see "Skateboard Dog 2!" [Chuckles.]
It's gonna be a good movie 'cause the skateboard dog joins the police! - Yeah.
- You know, I really saw a dog shoot a gun once.
- Whoa, really? - Yeah, it was an Airedale.
- Clarence, don't believe him.
- What?! Why not? Do you think that dog could shoot a gun? - Uh, Truffaut? - If he was perturbed enough.
- No! - Hey, little pup! Do you know where "Skateboard Dog 2" is? Guys Uh, hey! Back away from the dog a little bit.
Oh, maybe he does have a gun! - Uh, that's Traffaut.
- Hey, puppy! Traffaut needs, uh, to sleep.
He ate my shoe earlier, so, uh, he doesn't feel so good.
Hey, do you know what happens when you go to return the tape and you put it in the hole and then it kind of just disappears? - Yeah, of course I know.
I know.
- I thought maybe there's this goat man.
This is a guy that I thought of.
When you put the video, and he watches them - and rewinds them for you.
- Uh-huh.
Well, there's no goat man.
There's me there's me man.
[chuckles.]
I'm your goat man.
Is that what you're asking? It just goes bucket? This one is not rewound, which is a $17, uh, charge.
- Oh, my goodness.
- They must have rented them all out! [Gasps.]
- Ooh! - There's one on the top shelf! Yeah! Here we go! Sumo, this is not smart.
We shouldn't - Let's see here.
- "Skateboard Dog" Oh, there it is! Wait, we were gonna rent that! I mean, this is the last copy, though, and my niece really loves these movies.
- Your niece tell her to wait a week! - You know what? No.
- I mean, my niece really likes these movies.
- Ah, come on, man! Oh! [Groans.]
I didn't get it.
Do you guys want to see this movie here? It's called "The Christmas Train.
" It's a cartoon, but it kind of looks real.
- But it's this guy, and he - Clarence.
- He has a train for Christmas and, uh - Clarence.
Clarence.
- Clarence! - What?! - I seen it! - Oh.
We gotta pick something that no one has seen before, because I don't want to hear about the plot before it happens.
- You're Captain Spoiler every time! - Okay, Sumo.
You're always saying, "Hey, I heard that this" First, I don't sound like that.
And, two, when I do it, I'm nuancial.
I do it in a nuancial way, - when I'm warning about the nuances.
- What does that mean? Okay, nuancial, let's just make sure that it's something that none of us have ever seen? - Okay, that's good with me.
- Agreed.
- Deal.
- Deal.
- Sweet.
I know you said that you already saw it a bunch, but I'm just gonna put this tape right in my shirt - just so no one else can get it.
- Hey, you look funny! You want to punch me? It's not even gonna hurt.
Ha ha! [Grunts.]
- [Laughs.]
Wow! - It doesn't even hurt! I think we should split up to cover more ground.
- All right, split up.
- Sounds good to me.
Hey, Jeff, what do you think about muscles! Oh, great, muscles, yeah.
- Video strength! - Sumo's the muscle man! No, not action.
Oh, romance! We meet again.
"What what are you gonna do tonight? Are you gonna We could go get some seafood together?" - You talkin' to me? - Uh! Oh! Hanging out in the, uh, romance section, are ya? - No! - This guy again.
If you guys like romance, you may want to check out, uh Oh.
Clarence: Gonna put you here, and I put the sequel there Hand me some of those tapes with the puffy case.
That'll make a good domino right here.
Yeah! Hey, did you find anything? - Um - We're still lookin' for stuff! - I've seen everything in here! - Yeah, we're looking pretty hard.
- Um Okay, well, keep on looking.
- Keep on going! "Le Petite Tortue!" A lowly tire factory worker Intrigue and passion? [Gasps.]
What the? So, uh, are you guys still searching? - We're still looking! - Workin' on it! Put one right there.
Well, good job, guys! [Grunts.]
- Hey! - Aw! - Oops, sorry.
I was just looking for a movie! - What's going on here! - They fell over.
Guys, tapes isn't dominoes! Can I help you find a movie, please.
Yeah, I think we're going to go look for something else, - but thank you.
- Thanks for your interest.
Sorry for my friends.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks a lot.
All right, everybody, pick your picks! - What do you got, Sumo? - "The Regurgitator"! He's like a cyborg from the future, but he barfs on ya! - That's gross, Sumo.
- Kind of funny.
- I know, that's what makes it good! - Oh! I got this movie here.
No one's seen it yet, I don't think! - "Tom Blarps 4" - Clarence! - But just read - Open the case and hand it over.
Well, uh, you can just read Just as I thought! [chuckles.]
"The Christmas Train"! I'll put it back.
- What you got, Jeff? - It's a French film.
- Is this in black and white? - Clarence, don't doubt it! - Hmm.
I don't like that one.
- Clarence, you got one more chance.
- Pick one.
- Okay, um, it's called "Better Buns at Home.
" Um, Jeff, I think that maybe you can have better buns, right? - What are you saying, Clarence? - I mean, me, too! - We can all have better buns! - We will let the dog decide! - Truffaut, look into my eyes and say "Le Petite!" - Come on, Truffaut.
- Bums! - Put your paw on it! - Pick the buns mo - Excuse me, guys? Leave the dog alone.
How 'bout this, you guys? I'm just gonna [Grunts.]
See if you guys like it, then we're gonna rent it.
And if you don't like it, we don't have to.
- How 'bout that? - Okay.
Hit play here.
Uh-oh.
[Thud.]
Hey, guys, what's up? My name is Crystal, as you know.
And we are doing, you got it "Better Buns 3.
" Here we go! Okay, and two.
Guys, I can't participate in this.
- We should pick a different movie.
- Y-You don't like it? My head, it it's too big for my arms to go over my - head like that.
- Oh, come on! Don't say that! - You got this! - You got it! - What is that? - Come on! Guys, what are you doin'? - Exercisin''.
- Come on, we got this.
You know what? No, I don't think so.
I'm gonna Can you put this back for me? [Sighs.]
All right, guys, you're going to love this one.
"The Regurgitator," the barfing robot from the future! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Wow, he barfing on him! - I don't know about this.
- He's the regurgitator! - Oh, no! Okay, turn it off! All right.
I'll watch it alone sometime.
What do you got? - Bonjour - Listen to how classy he is! [Speaking French.]
- This sounds boring.
It's just in black in white.
- Yeah, le P.
U.
! No, but read what he's actually saying.
- Like, if you read what, like - It's so tiny at the bottom.
Le stinky! [Continues in French.]
Okay, this isn't the best part, but - Sorry, I'm vetoing.
- Eject.
Guys, I can't decide, so how about we just go bring it up to the clerk, and then he'll pick for us? The guy who works here? - Yeah, the movie guy.
- Hmm.
[Groans.]
Look who came crawling back to me, all the sudden.
Uh, it's not really like that.
- I mean, you know a lot about movies! - Funny that you mention that, 'cause I-I actually do know a lot about movies.
See, that's what I thought! "Who could we ask?" And you were the first one all of us said it at the same time the clerk guy.
- Come on up! - Three, two, one! - The clerk guy! - Clerk guy! See, that's how it happened! - Yep.
- All right, all right.
[Sighs.]
Let's see what you got.
Oh! Whose selection is this? - Whose? Whose? - This guy right here.
Okay, yeah, well, we'll file this under "P" for, uh, pretentious, - award bait, garbage.
- But whoa.
So that's that's what you're lookin' at for this movie.
You're pretentious award bait! All right, what else? Uh, what is this? - You know that one? - "The Regurgitator"? I mean, it's fine if you like technically proficient but culturally barren films.
- I don't know - Do I?! - "Better Buns at Home"? - Clarence: Oh, yeah, that's the one I picked.
This is about as good as you're gonna get for buns videos.
But I gotta say, guys, ya gotta rent all three.
All right? Let me just get this ready.
Huh.
Can we do that? - Wow! - Get the paperwork together.
- You are a wise man, sir.
- He's like a prophet! You picked the turtle one, huh? Says something very specific about you.
Well, oh, okay.
- Computer - Oh, here's my card here.
Ah, thank you very much.
You are - I'm Sumo.
- Excuse me? - I'm Sumo! - He's Sumo, and that's Jeff, and I'm Clarence.
All right, good.
Good! Nice to meet, uh Uh-oh.
- [Computer beeps.]
I'm Sumo.
- Who are Mary and Chad? That's my mom, and that's Chad.
- Okay, well - Her common-law husband.
Okay, guys, hold on.
I see a lot of late fees here.
- Uh-oh.
- Can you scan it again? There's a notification here says there's not a lot of tapes being rewound here! Let's get the man his money! You didn't even rewind the tape you just returned! Clarence: We got an extra penny in there, so that's $5.
00 and a penny.
I can't rent you this.
Guys, this is cinema! I can't look at you anymore.
- Out of my video store! - Run! Let's go, let's go! [Bell jingles.]
We don't need a movie to have fun, 'cause we can just hang out and do something else! Maybe we can get some food? That workout made me starvin'! I'm thinkin' Marianio's, too.
I got 'em on speed dial! Nah, Chinese food from Royal Wok! - More like "Wok straight to the bathroom," man! - Nah! [Telephone rings.]
Guys, the phone's ringing.
- Hello? - Video Store Clerk: Hello, this is the guy - from the video store! - Oh, geez! - Is Mary or Chad here? You owe us money! - Who is it? [High-pitched voice.]
Uh, sorry, you have the wrong number.
- This is not where they live.
- Listen, I know you Uh, there's no Mary here.
Early to bed Early to rise Picking my nose
[Upbeat music.]
I don't care what you say! I'm gonna do what I want all day! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! I'm the king of the world! [Music.]
[Laughter.]
- Movie time, movie time! - Movie night for the boys! We can watch a movie and stay up as late as we want, - my mom said.
- What are we gonna rent? Oh, "Skateboard Dog 2: Pup Police!" - Oh, yeah, that's right.
- I hope we get more of like - a dramadie, to be honest.
- What's a "dramadie" mean? It's a drama and a comedy put together.
Two movies, like, back to back? - No, it's - Like a Frankenstein! No, guys, guys Oh, we could get a Frankenstein movie! I like that! Hup, just put this in here.
- Whoa.
- Hello in there! Maybe it's a doorway to an alternate dimension.
Like a secret portal into another world [spooky music.]
and you go in and there's a guy with has goat legs and plays a little flute.
And everything's in B minor.
- Exactly! - Goat man! Goat man? Ma'am, we don't carry that film.
Well, here's how I feel about it I'll tell ya, since you asked.
Sorry, it's Vanessa? [Clattering.]
Uh, excuse me, guys? I'm trying to talk to my friend here about movies.
- Yeah, I heard.
- And you're making it very difficult.
Vanessa! [Smooches.]
- [Laughter.]
Okay.
- Are you dating Vanessa? - Very funny.
Listen - Who's Vanessa? - Can I help you with anything? - Vanessa: Hello? - Is there anything I can help you with? - Hello? My mom gave me $5.
00, and she said that we can get whatever movie we want, as long as it's not too much for grown-ups.
- $5.
00, sir.
- Also, she gave me this here! Rental world card.
- Vanessa: Hello? - Well, well, well.
- Hello, film-loving friends.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Uh, how do you do? Welcome.
- Hi! - Very good, sir, well.
Very well.
[Chuckles.]
Ah, I love it! Welcome to my rental world.
- I'd love to help you - Are these cutouts for sale? These cutouts no! These cutouts are not for sale.
Can I take one? Can I have one? No, those are for the [Imitates gunfire.]
Put that down! - Oh! Look out! - Put it down.
Can you please put it Put it down, please.
- Vanessa never is this mean to us.
- Now, look.
I feel like I've been put here on this planet so that I can guide the three of you into finding the ultimate film experience.
Do you guys see what I'm sayin'? What kind of movie that we want to get? That's exactly what I'm trying to tell you.
- I think we know.
- Yeah, well, we kind of came here - for "Skateboard Dog 2: Pup Police.
" - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good movie, right? - Yeah, you got that one? I-I forbid you to see that movie.
It's not But he's a police dog now! [Telephone ringing.]
Oh, I know.
I saw it.
- Vanessa! - Vanessa: Hello, I'm Calm calm down! Calm down, I'm just Clarence: I can't wait to see "Skateboard Dog 2!" [Chuckles.]
It's gonna be a good movie 'cause the skateboard dog joins the police! - Yeah.
- You know, I really saw a dog shoot a gun once.
- Whoa, really? - Yeah, it was an Airedale.
- Clarence, don't believe him.
- What?! Why not? Do you think that dog could shoot a gun? - Uh, Truffaut? - If he was perturbed enough.
- No! - Hey, little pup! Do you know where "Skateboard Dog 2" is? Guys Uh, hey! Back away from the dog a little bit.
Oh, maybe he does have a gun! - Uh, that's Traffaut.
- Hey, puppy! Traffaut needs, uh, to sleep.
He ate my shoe earlier, so, uh, he doesn't feel so good.
Hey, do you know what happens when you go to return the tape and you put it in the hole and then it kind of just disappears? - Yeah, of course I know.
I know.
- I thought maybe there's this goat man.
This is a guy that I thought of.
When you put the video, and he watches them - and rewinds them for you.
- Uh-huh.
Well, there's no goat man.
There's me there's me man.
[chuckles.]
I'm your goat man.
Is that what you're asking? It just goes bucket? This one is not rewound, which is a $17, uh, charge.
- Oh, my goodness.
- They must have rented them all out! [Gasps.]
- Ooh! - There's one on the top shelf! Yeah! Here we go! Sumo, this is not smart.
We shouldn't - Let's see here.
- "Skateboard Dog" Oh, there it is! Wait, we were gonna rent that! I mean, this is the last copy, though, and my niece really loves these movies.
- Your niece tell her to wait a week! - You know what? No.
- I mean, my niece really likes these movies.
- Ah, come on, man! Oh! [Groans.]
I didn't get it.
Do you guys want to see this movie here? It's called "The Christmas Train.
" It's a cartoon, but it kind of looks real.
- But it's this guy, and he - Clarence.
- He has a train for Christmas and, uh - Clarence.
Clarence.
- Clarence! - What?! - I seen it! - Oh.
We gotta pick something that no one has seen before, because I don't want to hear about the plot before it happens.
- You're Captain Spoiler every time! - Okay, Sumo.
You're always saying, "Hey, I heard that this" First, I don't sound like that.
And, two, when I do it, I'm nuancial.
I do it in a nuancial way, - when I'm warning about the nuances.
- What does that mean? Okay, nuancial, let's just make sure that it's something that none of us have ever seen? - Okay, that's good with me.
- Agreed.
- Deal.
- Deal.
- Sweet.
I know you said that you already saw it a bunch, but I'm just gonna put this tape right in my shirt - just so no one else can get it.
- Hey, you look funny! You want to punch me? It's not even gonna hurt.
Ha ha! [Grunts.]
- [Laughs.]
Wow! - It doesn't even hurt! I think we should split up to cover more ground.
- All right, split up.
- Sounds good to me.
Hey, Jeff, what do you think about muscles! Oh, great, muscles, yeah.
- Video strength! - Sumo's the muscle man! No, not action.
Oh, romance! We meet again.
"What what are you gonna do tonight? Are you gonna We could go get some seafood together?" - You talkin' to me? - Uh! Oh! Hanging out in the, uh, romance section, are ya? - No! - This guy again.
If you guys like romance, you may want to check out, uh Oh.
Clarence: Gonna put you here, and I put the sequel there Hand me some of those tapes with the puffy case.
That'll make a good domino right here.
Yeah! Hey, did you find anything? - Um - We're still lookin' for stuff! - I've seen everything in here! - Yeah, we're looking pretty hard.
- Um Okay, well, keep on looking.
- Keep on going! "Le Petite Tortue!" A lowly tire factory worker Intrigue and passion? [Gasps.]
What the? So, uh, are you guys still searching? - We're still looking! - Workin' on it! Put one right there.
Well, good job, guys! [Grunts.]
- Hey! - Aw! - Oops, sorry.
I was just looking for a movie! - What's going on here! - They fell over.
Guys, tapes isn't dominoes! Can I help you find a movie, please.
Yeah, I think we're going to go look for something else, - but thank you.
- Thanks for your interest.
Sorry for my friends.
Thanks, guys.
Thanks a lot.
All right, everybody, pick your picks! - What do you got, Sumo? - "The Regurgitator"! He's like a cyborg from the future, but he barfs on ya! - That's gross, Sumo.
- Kind of funny.
- I know, that's what makes it good! - Oh! I got this movie here.
No one's seen it yet, I don't think! - "Tom Blarps 4" - Clarence! - But just read - Open the case and hand it over.
Well, uh, you can just read Just as I thought! [chuckles.]
"The Christmas Train"! I'll put it back.
- What you got, Jeff? - It's a French film.
- Is this in black and white? - Clarence, don't doubt it! - Hmm.
I don't like that one.
- Clarence, you got one more chance.
- Pick one.
- Okay, um, it's called "Better Buns at Home.
" Um, Jeff, I think that maybe you can have better buns, right? - What are you saying, Clarence? - I mean, me, too! - We can all have better buns! - We will let the dog decide! - Truffaut, look into my eyes and say "Le Petite!" - Come on, Truffaut.
- Bums! - Put your paw on it! - Pick the buns mo - Excuse me, guys? Leave the dog alone.
How 'bout this, you guys? I'm just gonna [Grunts.]
See if you guys like it, then we're gonna rent it.
And if you don't like it, we don't have to.
- How 'bout that? - Okay.
Hit play here.
Uh-oh.
[Thud.]
Hey, guys, what's up? My name is Crystal, as you know.
And we are doing, you got it "Better Buns 3.
" Here we go! Okay, and two.
Guys, I can't participate in this.
- We should pick a different movie.
- Y-You don't like it? My head, it it's too big for my arms to go over my - head like that.
- Oh, come on! Don't say that! - You got this! - You got it! - What is that? - Come on! Guys, what are you doin'? - Exercisin''.
- Come on, we got this.
You know what? No, I don't think so.
I'm gonna Can you put this back for me? [Sighs.]
All right, guys, you're going to love this one.
"The Regurgitator," the barfing robot from the future! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Wow, he barfing on him! - I don't know about this.
- He's the regurgitator! - Oh, no! Okay, turn it off! All right.
I'll watch it alone sometime.
What do you got? - Bonjour - Listen to how classy he is! [Speaking French.]
- This sounds boring.
It's just in black in white.
- Yeah, le P.
U.
! No, but read what he's actually saying.
- Like, if you read what, like - It's so tiny at the bottom.
Le stinky! [Continues in French.]
Okay, this isn't the best part, but - Sorry, I'm vetoing.
- Eject.
Guys, I can't decide, so how about we just go bring it up to the clerk, and then he'll pick for us? The guy who works here? - Yeah, the movie guy.
- Hmm.
[Groans.]
Look who came crawling back to me, all the sudden.
Uh, it's not really like that.
- I mean, you know a lot about movies! - Funny that you mention that, 'cause I-I actually do know a lot about movies.
See, that's what I thought! "Who could we ask?" And you were the first one all of us said it at the same time the clerk guy.
- Come on up! - Three, two, one! - The clerk guy! - Clerk guy! See, that's how it happened! - Yep.
- All right, all right.
[Sighs.]
Let's see what you got.
Oh! Whose selection is this? - Whose? Whose? - This guy right here.
Okay, yeah, well, we'll file this under "P" for, uh, pretentious, - award bait, garbage.
- But whoa.
So that's that's what you're lookin' at for this movie.
You're pretentious award bait! All right, what else? Uh, what is this? - You know that one? - "The Regurgitator"? I mean, it's fine if you like technically proficient but culturally barren films.
- I don't know - Do I?! - "Better Buns at Home"? - Clarence: Oh, yeah, that's the one I picked.
This is about as good as you're gonna get for buns videos.
But I gotta say, guys, ya gotta rent all three.
All right? Let me just get this ready.
Huh.
Can we do that? - Wow! - Get the paperwork together.
- You are a wise man, sir.
- He's like a prophet! You picked the turtle one, huh? Says something very specific about you.
Well, oh, okay.
- Computer - Oh, here's my card here.
Ah, thank you very much.
You are - I'm Sumo.
- Excuse me? - I'm Sumo! - He's Sumo, and that's Jeff, and I'm Clarence.
All right, good.
Good! Nice to meet, uh Uh-oh.
- [Computer beeps.]
I'm Sumo.
- Who are Mary and Chad? That's my mom, and that's Chad.
- Okay, well - Her common-law husband.
Okay, guys, hold on.
I see a lot of late fees here.
- Uh-oh.
- Can you scan it again? There's a notification here says there's not a lot of tapes being rewound here! Let's get the man his money! You didn't even rewind the tape you just returned! Clarence: We got an extra penny in there, so that's $5.
00 and a penny.
I can't rent you this.
Guys, this is cinema! I can't look at you anymore.
- Out of my video store! - Run! Let's go, let's go! [Bell jingles.]
We don't need a movie to have fun, 'cause we can just hang out and do something else! Maybe we can get some food? That workout made me starvin'! I'm thinkin' Marianio's, too.
I got 'em on speed dial! Nah, Chinese food from Royal Wok! - More like "Wok straight to the bathroom," man! - Nah! [Telephone rings.]
Guys, the phone's ringing.
- Hello? - Video Store Clerk: Hello, this is the guy - from the video store! - Oh, geez! - Is Mary or Chad here? You owe us money! - Who is it? [High-pitched voice.]
Uh, sorry, you have the wrong number.
- This is not where they live.
- Listen, I know you Uh, there's no Mary here.
Early to bed Early to rise Picking my nose