Phineas and Ferb s03e61 Episode Script
This Is Your Backstory (15 min)
I think you're right, Stacy.
The ocean would be a lot deeper without all those sponges.
What is that noise? It is driving me crazy! A-ha! Nice try, Ferb.
But you can't psych me out with your dead on celebrity impressions.
All right, what is this? Table tennis.
Ping pong, for the layman.
Yeah, yeah, but is it like laser-activated, nuclear powered, supersonic ping pong? No.
Good idea though.
Ping pong, huh? I bet.
I'll just stay right here until the inevitable weirdness happens.
Any minute now.
All right, so where's Perry? Monogram to Agent P.
Already airborne, I see.
I like that! Doofenshmirtz has recently purchased an inordinate number of chairs.
Hundreds of them! Far more than necessary for a person with no friends, and only one tooshie.
Well, actually I'mâ I'm just sort of assuming about the tooshie.
But I'm pretty confident in the no friends thing.
You think it'd be the other way around, but the way he's always playing with forbidden science, you can never really be Oh, this is coming out kinda weird, huh.
Look, you're going over there anyway, justâ Just take a look, okay? Monogram out.
Psst! Perry the Platypus, over here.
Hurry! Hurry, it'sâ The show's about to start! Ladies and gentlemen! Someone in our studio audience has a date with history! So come on up, because this is your backstory, Heinz Doofenshmirtz! Me? It's me! It's me, Perry the Platypus! Let's give him a big round of applause! Tonight, we explore the life of a true evil genius.
And find out just what makes him thick.
But how? I'm glad you asked! With the help of our exciting but potentially lethal memory extraction technology, all of your most deeply suppressed memories will appear right on this screen! It's like a TV clip show fueled by your own brain.
Now, let's start our trip down memory strasse on the day of your birth! In beautiful Gimmelshtump, Drusselstein! I don't really remember much about it, I was pretty young at the time, butâ Ooh! Ooh, I can feel it tingling! Something's coming out! Aww, how cute! But where's Mom? She didn't, uh show up for the birth.
Remember this voice? When they are born, we slap their bottoms to start them breathing.
Here he is, all the way from Gimmelshtump Memorial Hospital, Dr.
Mortimer Shlussel.
Dr.
Shlussel, so good toâ Hey! He is breathing.
And I'm sure you can guess who this next voice belongs to.
Heinz, my little hobbengusher.
Aw, when she says hobbengusher like that, it's easy to forget that it meansâ It's your mother! Mama! Hobbengusher.
Yeah, that's the way you normally say it.
Why?! Yes.
Your relationship with your mother left something to be desired.
Why?! Why!? But, what about Dad? Well, yeah, you know, thoâ Those were hard times.
The stress of running a family weighed heavily on him.
We were so poor that one day our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed.
Who would protect our zatzenfruit garden from witches' spells and wood trolls? From a tender age, my father decided that it would be me.
Bewegen sie nicht! While the other children played Kick-the-Schtumpel and eat doonkelberries, I would stand for hours.
Bewegen sie nicht! All through the cold night as the spitzenhound howled, my only companion was the moon and my neighbor, Kenny.
Bewegen sie nicht! What a fascinating life.
We'll keep track of the level of emotional pain each backstory causes, on this colorful Gnome-o-Meter! As shown by Vanna, our Gnome-o-Meter spokesmodel.
Looks like our gnome has begun his climb! Scale those heights, you bearded, Scandinavian cutie! Perform a segue back to rights of passage! Smooth, Norm.
Thank you! Don't break the rhythm, sir.
And let me tell you, transitioning to adulthood was painful, but, actually, I guess, a good indicator of things to come.
In Gimmelshtump, jumping from the high dive was an important rite of passage.
Are you a man or a schnitzel?! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! Das kind ist ein schnitzel! After that, my father and I became increasingly distant.
Zu nah! Whatever, I-I'm so over it.
Bewegen sie nicht! And there's another voice you might recognize.
What exactly am I here for again? Roger! It's you brother, Roger Doofenshmirtz, beloved Mayor of Danville.
Everybody loves him.
All right, all right, enough with the cheering! This is my show, not his! Can I help it if Mommy liked me best? Look at all those burbling memory bubbles.
Tell us all about it, Dr.
D! For a time, I was happy.
It was a short time, it was right there.
It was a short time, it was right there.
It was like five seconds when I was pushing the thing back and forth on the rug.
And soon I learned my parents were expecting a brand new baby girl.
My mother spent months knitting pretty dresses.
U-Unfortunately, the baby turned out to be a boy, and because we were out of material, I was forced to wear those same dresses for an entire year! Drawing mockery and scorn from all of my manly classmates.
I wanted to gain my mother's affection somehow, so I went to the claw machine district in hopes of winning her a gift.
Fortunately, I had with me my allowance, which I'd been saving for a whole year.
One three-cent coin.
I dropped it into a slot, then carefully maneuvered the claw toward the beckoning fuzzy grail! Odds were against me, but then it happened! The miracle! The claw grabbed the stuffed animal, it was mine! Then, like a knight of yore, I gallantly gave the prize to my beloved mother who immediately turned around and gave it to my brother, Roger.
I was crushed as I watched Roger produce a big red marker and write his name on the toy.
And then afterwards proceed to do the same to my mother, claiming both as his own, and effectively shutting me out of the family dynamic.
You know, Heinz, there's more than one way to a mother's heart.
Kickball.
My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickâ Well, I'll just let the song tell you.
(Song: Couldn't Kick My Way Into Her Heart) My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickball And my brother was an expert from the start But I lacked finesse, so when put to the test I couldn't kick my way right into her heart Ladies and gentlemen, Love Händel! Oh, yeah! Wait a second.
You had Love Händel play your flashback? I know people.
Really? No, not really, I told them it was for you.
Hm-mm.
Well, I've got a city to govern.
Don't let your ego hit you on the way out! Although your family life was tough, your social life was How should we say, a soul-shattering void.
A painful, but accurate choice of words, Norm.
At the age of five, I was forced to throw my own surprise party.
Hello, boys andâ Oh.
Hmm Awkward.
Ten seconds later, they confiscated the cake.
Apparently there's a two-person minimum.
Ooh! That stings! Do you recall a young lad named Boris? Oh, sure.
Big Black Boots Boris the Bully.
He was always kicking sand in my face.
When I was in the sandbox sand.
When I was in the sandbox sand.
My first date sand! My first date sand! Balancing my checkbook sand! Balancing my checkbook sand! The beach Oddly enough, nothing.
But I couldn't relax, because I kept waiting for it.
Well, Boris owns a car dealership now, and declined to appear on this show.
But he did send some sand! Well, at least he cared enough to do that.
You did have one friend Balloony! When I was a boy, the smell of pork emanating from me was so bad because ofâ W-Well, the reason's unimportant, it was part of a different emotionally-scarring backstory.
I'm not getting intoâ Regardless, the smell of pork was so bad that no one would come near me.
So one day, the carnival came to town and I needed money because ofâ W-Well, yet another backstory thatâ Basically, my parents disowned me, I was being raised by ocelots.
The point is, I had to get a job at the carnival, but the only work was at the dunking booth, and not as the guy who got dunked though, I-I was what they threw to dunk him, w-which is again, a whole other backstoryâ Okay, lookâ Long backstory short, I got a balloon at the carnival, I drew a face on him, I sprayed him with special lifelong-lasting spray I created, and I named him, "Balloony.
" He became my best friend in the whole world.
Yadda yadda yadda.
Then one tragic day, when I was protecting our garden as a lawn gnome, Balloony started floating away.
And then I didn't see him for a long time, it wasn't 'til Well, there was this whole thing with an alien ship, it was really improbable.
Well, here he is! Oh, Balloony, I-I've missed you so muâ BALLOONY! Ha-ha-ha! We're just having fun with you! That wasn't the real Balloony! It wasn't? No, of course not! The real Balloony popped three weeks ago! BALLOONY!!! And uncomfortable transition back to the Gnome-o-Meter! Wow, that backstory really had some juice.
Now, if you've finished weeping, let's continue! In another misguided attempt to engage in life, you entered one of your inventions in a science fair! That's right.
Itâ It was my very first inator! Just as I was about to demonstrate my invention to the judges, a kid with a baking soda volcano stole the show! The next year, I tried again with my even bigger inator.
And again, my thunder was stolen by a baking soda volcano! I'd had enough of science.
I decided to devote my life to poetry instead.
The movies are gray, the TV is black, the horses are running, please bring me some food.
Yet, curiously, I still lost to a baking soda volcano! And what's worse, his poetry lacked subtext entirely.
Hey, where's Perry? Perry the Platypus, what are you doâ Okay, playtime's over! Norm? Behold, the Backstory-inator! You see, evil is born from pain and loss, but reliving one story at a time was not getting me anywhere! Now with this, I can collect the liquid essence of all my pain and suffering! And when it's all full, I can re-inject it into myself, making me the most powerfully evil person that has ever lived.
Then, nothing can stop me from taking over the entire Tri-State Areâ Oh, there's Mama Ocelot.
Ironically, she's still more nurturing than my own mother! Ow! Oh, quit it! Any time now, they're going to do something big and bustable.
I just know it.
And so, Perry the Platypus, to recap what I said mere moments ago before I was so rudely and painfully interrupted, once I have charged my Backstory-inator, the tragedy of it all will be re-injected back into me, and I will be transformed into the ultimate creature of evil! And, look! We're almost there! One more backstory should do it! Let's see Remember the time Hey Dad! Can I have the keys to the car? Oh, sure, Vanessa! Oh, no, no! Good memories flowing! Can't stop pleasant reminiscences! (Song: Not So Bad A Dad) You were a substandard dad But the only one I had Hey, sweetheart.
How'd you like to take a ride on a real bike? I grew up hearing your evil scheming down the hall She's sixteen! But this piece of plastic in my hand makes me finally understand Maybe you're not so bad a dad Not so bad a dad after all It only matters that I think he's cool.
She thinks I'm cool! Okay Dad, if you want to hold your head and quiver some more, that's totally okay with me.
But can I have the keys? Oh, yeah, right.
Here you go.
Have fun with your little toys.
Aw, look at the Gnome-o-Meter! We're practically starting over.
That's okay, sir.
You have lots of painful history to explore.
Tell us, how did you come to America? Well, it was when I was sixteen, or thereabouts.
I had stopped celebrating birthdays at that point for You know, obvious reasons.
And then one day, my parents sent me out to the Schtor to get some doozenbratt.
And then one day, my parents sent me out to the Schtor to get some doozenbratt.
You know, I've always had trouble distinguishing between a schtor and aâ A painting of a schtor, butâ But it started me off on the greatest adventure of my life! I decided to seize the day with both hands! And a mop.
I was heading to a golden land of opportunity.
I was heading to a golden land of opportunity.
A land with a pioneering spirit which welcomed misfits like me! But I ended up in America instead.
I just knew that I was home! In the sense that it was familiar.
Once in America, you began the human rite of passage known as, high school! Leading to one of the most embarrassing viral videos of all time! Ugh! I thought I deleted that from everyone's memory.
I am a superstar! Yeah, yeah, weâ We've all seen this, Norm.
T-That's enough.
It won'tâ But you haven't seen the digital remix! I am a superstar! It won't stop flushing! Oh, this is really surreal.
I am a superstar! Ugh.
Won't! Won't! It won't stop flushing! Creeping me out a little, I'll be honest.
Won't! Won't! It won't stop flushing! Won't! Won't! It won't stop flushing! Seriously, Norm, that's enough.
Won't! Won't! It won't stop flushing! Enough now.
It's got ten billion hits! And there's only seven billion people on the planet! I'm never going to live that down.
And yet, despite a serious lack of coolness, you still managed to date a future pop star! What? Lindana is here? Actually, she didn't remember you! Well, that figures.
We only had the one date, but it was eventful.
It was at the Danville Drive-In.
Okay, the coast is clear! You can come out now! Ew.
It's grody back here! Well, on the bright side, you got in for free, so We'll just split the cost of my ticket, right? Right? You know, I could've gotten in the trunk, like, a block away instead of when you first picked me up at my house.
Wow, you just love to live in the past, huh? Is that like a thing with you? Whatever.
Let's just try to enjoy the rest of the evening.
I am a happy robot, likey what I hear.
I'm just kidding, that's a thing I do.
C'mon, hop in! You were listening to "That's Wings, You Turkey" by King of Loud.
And here's a new one from Zanzibar, "What Do It Do?" Oh, turn it up! I love this song! It's okay, I'd say it's in my top seven, eight favorite songs about reverse engineering.
Makes me want to be a pop star! Ha! Yeah, right, and I'm going to rule the world! Well Why not? Yeah, like I could do that.
Maybe instead of, you know, the whole world Uh Start small, with the Tri-State Area.
Hey, the movie's starting! It was at that point you realized that the only business for you was I'm waiting for you to finish my sentence for me, sir.
Oh, of course.
Bratwurst! Actually, I was going to say "evil," sir.
Yes, but before I was evil, I was a bratwurst street vendor.
Doofenshmirtz quality bratwurst! How do you know when you're really lame? When you sell bratwurst! Wow.
That seemed more painful at the time.
Oh, man, it's gonna take forever to get the gnome back up to the top at this rate.
Hold your horses, sir.
We're just getting to your love life! We're just getting to your love life! Oh, boy.
You are the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
You know, some people say we look alike.
Uh, I don't think so.
Not at all.
No, not at all.
But when I turned the Translator-inator on What a loser that guy up there is! She should dump that pink chimp and go out with a real mammal like me! She left me for that trash-talking 35-ton pile of blubber.
Evil love I have never been so happy in my entire life! Oh, Heinz I feel nothing.
But but but But but but But but but Nothing! And do you recall this voice? Hello, Heinz.
I have your alimony check.
Charlene! That's right.
It's your former wife, Charlene Doofenshmirtz.
Delivered in person, like you asked.
Ah, what is this, a game show set? Is this what you spend the money on? Well You know, also groceries.
Well, at least it's not in my garage.
Nice tux, Norm.
She's fantastic! Norm, let's bring out the big guns! Failed inators! Well, at least I found the key to theâ Nice.
Curse you, Perry theâ Oh Why does everything explode so easily? You know what I'm noticing a lot of? I blow up more than the average guy.
I think he's a pharmacist.
Do they have blowing-up insurance? I should get some of that.
And if they don't have it, I think they should make it, 'cause I would buy some.
Oh, baby, what an emotional workout! And one more good trauma should send Arthur over the top! Yeah! Hit me with your best shot! That's just it, sir! The rest are more comical than tragic.
What? How are we supposed to go over theâ Oh, curse you, Perry the Platypusâ And by "curse you", I mean "thank you" ! By humiliating me, you have inadvertently provided me the last tragic backstory I need to put this baby over the top! Remember two seconds ago when you foiled my latest plan? I do! What? How are we supposed to go over theâ How are we supposed to go over theâ And now I can feel myself getting more e-e-evil!! Feel the doom! Nothing can stop me now! Huh? Uh? NOO!!! (Song: My Nemesis) (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) Do you ever get tired of lugging this big tail around? (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) I used to sit alone doing evil all day Well, back at it, I guess.
But now I think that someone's gonna get in my way Yeah, the someone in my life that doesn't want me to exist (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) I-I've got an even better best friend! And I feel fine 'cause I've got a nemesis It's clear to me now, that my real best friend is Perry the Platâ (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) Now I hate him, and he hates me What a wonderful animosity Besides his hat, he wears no clothes Peter the Panda? And Perry the Platypus? You're working together to rescue me? Now I have someone to oppose Doofy doofy doofy, doofy doofy doofy Doofenshmirtz! Yes, I have a nemesis! I want you to know that, you are appreciated, Perry the Platypus.
You.
Are.
Appreciated.
You.
Are.
Appreciated.
You.
Are.
Appreciated.
You think I'm evil, right? Thank you, Perry the Platypus.
Thank you.
No! What have you done, Perry the Platypus? I'm getting less evil! Significantly sooo oooo! Darn it, I really liked that shirt.
Curse you, Perry the Platypus! Okay, so I-I'll see you tomorrow, right? I'm sending you a bill for the shoes.
My boyfriend's a lawyer.
All right, Norm, let's get this place cleaned up.
Backstory all over the place.
Uh, fine, you've bored me into submission.
One million five hundred sixty-two thousand nine hundred seventy-two One million five hundred sixty-two thousand nine hundred seventy-eight! We did it! We've stored up enough kinetic energy.
The quantum vortex should appear any second now.
Mom?
The ocean would be a lot deeper without all those sponges.
What is that noise? It is driving me crazy! A-ha! Nice try, Ferb.
But you can't psych me out with your dead on celebrity impressions.
All right, what is this? Table tennis.
Ping pong, for the layman.
Yeah, yeah, but is it like laser-activated, nuclear powered, supersonic ping pong? No.
Good idea though.
Ping pong, huh? I bet.
I'll just stay right here until the inevitable weirdness happens.
Any minute now.
All right, so where's Perry? Monogram to Agent P.
Already airborne, I see.
I like that! Doofenshmirtz has recently purchased an inordinate number of chairs.
Hundreds of them! Far more than necessary for a person with no friends, and only one tooshie.
Well, actually I'mâ I'm just sort of assuming about the tooshie.
But I'm pretty confident in the no friends thing.
You think it'd be the other way around, but the way he's always playing with forbidden science, you can never really be Oh, this is coming out kinda weird, huh.
Look, you're going over there anyway, justâ Just take a look, okay? Monogram out.
Psst! Perry the Platypus, over here.
Hurry! Hurry, it'sâ The show's about to start! Ladies and gentlemen! Someone in our studio audience has a date with history! So come on up, because this is your backstory, Heinz Doofenshmirtz! Me? It's me! It's me, Perry the Platypus! Let's give him a big round of applause! Tonight, we explore the life of a true evil genius.
And find out just what makes him thick.
But how? I'm glad you asked! With the help of our exciting but potentially lethal memory extraction technology, all of your most deeply suppressed memories will appear right on this screen! It's like a TV clip show fueled by your own brain.
Now, let's start our trip down memory strasse on the day of your birth! In beautiful Gimmelshtump, Drusselstein! I don't really remember much about it, I was pretty young at the time, butâ Ooh! Ooh, I can feel it tingling! Something's coming out! Aww, how cute! But where's Mom? She didn't, uh show up for the birth.
Remember this voice? When they are born, we slap their bottoms to start them breathing.
Here he is, all the way from Gimmelshtump Memorial Hospital, Dr.
Mortimer Shlussel.
Dr.
Shlussel, so good toâ Hey! He is breathing.
And I'm sure you can guess who this next voice belongs to.
Heinz, my little hobbengusher.
Aw, when she says hobbengusher like that, it's easy to forget that it meansâ It's your mother! Mama! Hobbengusher.
Yeah, that's the way you normally say it.
Why?! Yes.
Your relationship with your mother left something to be desired.
Why?! Why!? But, what about Dad? Well, yeah, you know, thoâ Those were hard times.
The stress of running a family weighed heavily on him.
We were so poor that one day our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed.
Who would protect our zatzenfruit garden from witches' spells and wood trolls? From a tender age, my father decided that it would be me.
Bewegen sie nicht! While the other children played Kick-the-Schtumpel and eat doonkelberries, I would stand for hours.
Bewegen sie nicht! All through the cold night as the spitzenhound howled, my only companion was the moon and my neighbor, Kenny.
Bewegen sie nicht! What a fascinating life.
We'll keep track of the level of emotional pain each backstory causes, on this colorful Gnome-o-Meter! As shown by Vanna, our Gnome-o-Meter spokesmodel.
Looks like our gnome has begun his climb! Scale those heights, you bearded, Scandinavian cutie! Perform a segue back to rights of passage! Smooth, Norm.
Thank you! Don't break the rhythm, sir.
And let me tell you, transitioning to adulthood was painful, but, actually, I guess, a good indicator of things to come.
In Gimmelshtump, jumping from the high dive was an important rite of passage.
Are you a man or a schnitzel?! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! I'm a man! Das kind ist ein schnitzel! After that, my father and I became increasingly distant.
Zu nah! Whatever, I-I'm so over it.
Bewegen sie nicht! And there's another voice you might recognize.
What exactly am I here for again? Roger! It's you brother, Roger Doofenshmirtz, beloved Mayor of Danville.
Everybody loves him.
All right, all right, enough with the cheering! This is my show, not his! Can I help it if Mommy liked me best? Look at all those burbling memory bubbles.
Tell us all about it, Dr.
D! For a time, I was happy.
It was a short time, it was right there.
It was a short time, it was right there.
It was like five seconds when I was pushing the thing back and forth on the rug.
And soon I learned my parents were expecting a brand new baby girl.
My mother spent months knitting pretty dresses.
U-Unfortunately, the baby turned out to be a boy, and because we were out of material, I was forced to wear those same dresses for an entire year! Drawing mockery and scorn from all of my manly classmates.
I wanted to gain my mother's affection somehow, so I went to the claw machine district in hopes of winning her a gift.
Fortunately, I had with me my allowance, which I'd been saving for a whole year.
One three-cent coin.
I dropped it into a slot, then carefully maneuvered the claw toward the beckoning fuzzy grail! Odds were against me, but then it happened! The miracle! The claw grabbed the stuffed animal, it was mine! Then, like a knight of yore, I gallantly gave the prize to my beloved mother who immediately turned around and gave it to my brother, Roger.
I was crushed as I watched Roger produce a big red marker and write his name on the toy.
And then afterwards proceed to do the same to my mother, claiming both as his own, and effectively shutting me out of the family dynamic.
You know, Heinz, there's more than one way to a mother's heart.
Kickball.
My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickâ Well, I'll just let the song tell you.
(Song: Couldn't Kick My Way Into Her Heart) My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to kickball And my brother was an expert from the start But I lacked finesse, so when put to the test I couldn't kick my way right into her heart Ladies and gentlemen, Love Händel! Oh, yeah! Wait a second.
You had Love Händel play your flashback? I know people.
Really? No, not really, I told them it was for you.
Hm-mm.
Well, I've got a city to govern.
Don't let your ego hit you on the way out! Although your family life was tough, your social life was How should we say, a soul-shattering void.
A painful, but accurate choice of words, Norm.
At the age of five, I was forced to throw my own surprise party.
Hello, boys andâ Oh.
Hmm Awkward.
Ten seconds later, they confiscated the cake.
Apparently there's a two-person minimum.
Ooh! That stings! Do you recall a young lad named Boris? Oh, sure.
Big Black Boots Boris the Bully.
He was always kicking sand in my face.
When I was in the sandbox sand.
When I was in the sandbox sand.
My first date sand! My first date sand! Balancing my checkbook sand! Balancing my checkbook sand! The beach Oddly enough, nothing.
But I couldn't relax, because I kept waiting for it.
Well, Boris owns a car dealership now, and declined to appear on this show.
But he did send some sand! Well, at least he cared enough to do that.
You did have one friend Balloony! When I was a boy, the smell of pork emanating from me was so bad because ofâ W-Well, the reason's unimportant, it was part of a different emotionally-scarring backstory.
I'm not getting intoâ Regardless, the smell of pork was so bad that no one would come near me.
So one day, the carnival came to town and I needed money because ofâ W-Well, yet another backstory thatâ Basically, my parents disowned me, I was being raised by ocelots.
The point is, I had to get a job at the carnival, but the only work was at the dunking booth, and not as the guy who got dunked though, I-I was what they threw to dunk him, w-which is again, a whole other backstoryâ Okay, lookâ Long backstory short, I got a balloon at the carnival, I drew a face on him, I sprayed him with special lifelong-lasting spray I created, and I named him, "Balloony.
" He became my best friend in the whole world.
Yadda yadda yadda.
Then one tragic day, when I was protecting our garden as a lawn gnome, Balloony started floating away.
And then I didn't see him for a long time, it wasn't 'til Well, there was this whole thing with an alien ship, it was really improbable.
Well, here he is! Oh, Balloony, I-I've missed you so muâ BALLOONY! Ha-ha-ha! We're just having fun with you! That wasn't the real Balloony! It wasn't? No, of course not! The real Balloony popped three weeks ago! BALLOONY!!! And uncomfortable transition back to the Gnome-o-Meter! Wow, that backstory really had some juice.
Now, if you've finished weeping, let's continue! In another misguided attempt to engage in life, you entered one of your inventions in a science fair! That's right.
Itâ It was my very first inator! Just as I was about to demonstrate my invention to the judges, a kid with a baking soda volcano stole the show! The next year, I tried again with my even bigger inator.
And again, my thunder was stolen by a baking soda volcano! I'd had enough of science.
I decided to devote my life to poetry instead.
The movies are gray, the TV is black, the horses are running, please bring me some food.
Yet, curiously, I still lost to a baking soda volcano! And what's worse, his poetry lacked subtext entirely.
Hey, where's Perry? Perry the Platypus, what are you doâ Okay, playtime's over! Norm? Behold, the Backstory-inator! You see, evil is born from pain and loss, but reliving one story at a time was not getting me anywhere! Now with this, I can collect the liquid essence of all my pain and suffering! And when it's all full, I can re-inject it into myself, making me the most powerfully evil person that has ever lived.
Then, nothing can stop me from taking over the entire Tri-State Areâ Oh, there's Mama Ocelot.
Ironically, she's still more nurturing than my own mother! Ow! Oh, quit it! Any time now, they're going to do something big and bustable.
I just know it.
And so, Perry the Platypus, to recap what I said mere moments ago before I was so rudely and painfully interrupted, once I have charged my Backstory-inator, the tragedy of it all will be re-injected back into me, and I will be transformed into the ultimate creature of evil! And, look! We're almost there! One more backstory should do it! Let's see Remember the time Hey Dad! Can I have the keys to the car? Oh, sure, Vanessa! Oh, no, no! Good memories flowing! Can't stop pleasant reminiscences! (Song: Not So Bad A Dad) You were a substandard dad But the only one I had Hey, sweetheart.
How'd you like to take a ride on a real bike? I grew up hearing your evil scheming down the hall She's sixteen! But this piece of plastic in my hand makes me finally understand Maybe you're not so bad a dad Not so bad a dad after all It only matters that I think he's cool.
She thinks I'm cool! Okay Dad, if you want to hold your head and quiver some more, that's totally okay with me.
But can I have the keys? Oh, yeah, right.
Here you go.
Have fun with your little toys.
Aw, look at the Gnome-o-Meter! We're practically starting over.
That's okay, sir.
You have lots of painful history to explore.
Tell us, how did you come to America? Well, it was when I was sixteen, or thereabouts.
I had stopped celebrating birthdays at that point for You know, obvious reasons.
And then one day, my parents sent me out to the Schtor to get some doozenbratt.
And then one day, my parents sent me out to the Schtor to get some doozenbratt.
You know, I've always had trouble distinguishing between a schtor and aâ A painting of a schtor, butâ But it started me off on the greatest adventure of my life! I decided to seize the day with both hands! And a mop.
I was heading to a golden land of opportunity.
I was heading to a golden land of opportunity.
A land with a pioneering spirit which welcomed misfits like me! But I ended up in America instead.
I just knew that I was home! In the sense that it was familiar.
Once in America, you began the human rite of passage known as, high school! Leading to one of the most embarrassing viral videos of all time! Ugh! I thought I deleted that from everyone's memory.
I am a superstar! Yeah, yeah, weâ We've all seen this, Norm.
T-That's enough.
It won'tâ But you haven't seen the digital remix! I am a superstar! It won't stop flushing! Oh, this is really surreal.
I am a superstar! Ugh.
Won't! Won't! It won't stop flushing! Creeping me out a little, I'll be honest.
Won't! Won't! It won't stop flushing! Won't! Won't! It won't stop flushing! Seriously, Norm, that's enough.
Won't! Won't! It won't stop flushing! Enough now.
It's got ten billion hits! And there's only seven billion people on the planet! I'm never going to live that down.
And yet, despite a serious lack of coolness, you still managed to date a future pop star! What? Lindana is here? Actually, she didn't remember you! Well, that figures.
We only had the one date, but it was eventful.
It was at the Danville Drive-In.
Okay, the coast is clear! You can come out now! Ew.
It's grody back here! Well, on the bright side, you got in for free, so We'll just split the cost of my ticket, right? Right? You know, I could've gotten in the trunk, like, a block away instead of when you first picked me up at my house.
Wow, you just love to live in the past, huh? Is that like a thing with you? Whatever.
Let's just try to enjoy the rest of the evening.
I am a happy robot, likey what I hear.
I'm just kidding, that's a thing I do.
C'mon, hop in! You were listening to "That's Wings, You Turkey" by King of Loud.
And here's a new one from Zanzibar, "What Do It Do?" Oh, turn it up! I love this song! It's okay, I'd say it's in my top seven, eight favorite songs about reverse engineering.
Makes me want to be a pop star! Ha! Yeah, right, and I'm going to rule the world! Well Why not? Yeah, like I could do that.
Maybe instead of, you know, the whole world Uh Start small, with the Tri-State Area.
Hey, the movie's starting! It was at that point you realized that the only business for you was I'm waiting for you to finish my sentence for me, sir.
Oh, of course.
Bratwurst! Actually, I was going to say "evil," sir.
Yes, but before I was evil, I was a bratwurst street vendor.
Doofenshmirtz quality bratwurst! How do you know when you're really lame? When you sell bratwurst! Wow.
That seemed more painful at the time.
Oh, man, it's gonna take forever to get the gnome back up to the top at this rate.
Hold your horses, sir.
We're just getting to your love life! We're just getting to your love life! Oh, boy.
You are the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
You know, some people say we look alike.
Uh, I don't think so.
Not at all.
No, not at all.
But when I turned the Translator-inator on What a loser that guy up there is! She should dump that pink chimp and go out with a real mammal like me! She left me for that trash-talking 35-ton pile of blubber.
Evil love I have never been so happy in my entire life! Oh, Heinz I feel nothing.
But but but But but but But but but Nothing! And do you recall this voice? Hello, Heinz.
I have your alimony check.
Charlene! That's right.
It's your former wife, Charlene Doofenshmirtz.
Delivered in person, like you asked.
Ah, what is this, a game show set? Is this what you spend the money on? Well You know, also groceries.
Well, at least it's not in my garage.
Nice tux, Norm.
She's fantastic! Norm, let's bring out the big guns! Failed inators! Well, at least I found the key to theâ Nice.
Curse you, Perry theâ Oh Why does everything explode so easily? You know what I'm noticing a lot of? I blow up more than the average guy.
I think he's a pharmacist.
Do they have blowing-up insurance? I should get some of that.
And if they don't have it, I think they should make it, 'cause I would buy some.
Oh, baby, what an emotional workout! And one more good trauma should send Arthur over the top! Yeah! Hit me with your best shot! That's just it, sir! The rest are more comical than tragic.
What? How are we supposed to go over theâ Oh, curse you, Perry the Platypusâ And by "curse you", I mean "thank you" ! By humiliating me, you have inadvertently provided me the last tragic backstory I need to put this baby over the top! Remember two seconds ago when you foiled my latest plan? I do! What? How are we supposed to go over theâ How are we supposed to go over theâ And now I can feel myself getting more e-e-evil!! Feel the doom! Nothing can stop me now! Huh? Uh? NOO!!! (Song: My Nemesis) (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) Do you ever get tired of lugging this big tail around? (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) I used to sit alone doing evil all day Well, back at it, I guess.
But now I think that someone's gonna get in my way Yeah, the someone in my life that doesn't want me to exist (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) I-I've got an even better best friend! And I feel fine 'cause I've got a nemesis It's clear to me now, that my real best friend is Perry the Platâ (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) (My neme, neme, oooo my neme, neme, neme) Now I hate him, and he hates me What a wonderful animosity Besides his hat, he wears no clothes Peter the Panda? And Perry the Platypus? You're working together to rescue me? Now I have someone to oppose Doofy doofy doofy, doofy doofy doofy Doofenshmirtz! Yes, I have a nemesis! I want you to know that, you are appreciated, Perry the Platypus.
You.
Are.
Appreciated.
You.
Are.
Appreciated.
You.
Are.
Appreciated.
You think I'm evil, right? Thank you, Perry the Platypus.
Thank you.
No! What have you done, Perry the Platypus? I'm getting less evil! Significantly sooo oooo! Darn it, I really liked that shirt.
Curse you, Perry the Platypus! Okay, so I-I'll see you tomorrow, right? I'm sending you a bill for the shoes.
My boyfriend's a lawyer.
All right, Norm, let's get this place cleaned up.
Backstory all over the place.
Uh, fine, you've bored me into submission.
One million five hundred sixty-two thousand nine hundred seventy-two One million five hundred sixty-two thousand nine hundred seventy-eight! We did it! We've stored up enough kinetic energy.
The quantum vortex should appear any second now.
Mom?