The Goldbergs s03e99 Episode Script

G-G-G-G-G-Goldbergs.
Hi.
It's me.
That's awesome! Action.
- Don't freak out.
- Aah! Boom! Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
You never know.
We have a pretty good time doing this.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, we do laugh all day long.
That's why we make such a cool show 'cause we're always having fun.
That is how you do it.
What kind of moron gets stuck in a tree? People respond to the fact that this family is far from perfect.
If you don't come down right now, I am gonna go get the hose! You're not gonna spray our son.
- Stop! - Erica, I would As crazy as this family is, they're really not that crazy when you look at your own.
I'll try and catch him Hey, neighbors! Hi! We have got to get that barbecue on the books, don't we? - Definitely.
- That'd be great.
- He's a moron! - He is! Come on.
This is pure gold.
I gotta get this on tape.
When I was presented with the script, I was also presented with a video of the real family Adam's home videos.
And when I saw the home videos, I just burst out loud laughing.
Hey! Ohh! Aah! There's been shows about real families but not that prove, like, "Hey, this literally is something that I've done.
" Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! This was really a family called Goldberg, and there are equivalents for everybody in the family right here on the screen.
- Mom! - Stop! - Why are you hitting yourself? - Ohh! You're aggravating me, you little bastard! He's aggravating me, the little bastard! Let's go.
Shut the damn thing off.
Okay, and we're rolling.
Action! What's my first line? Oh, come on, seriously? The real Adam Goldberg really was a theater kid and really loved Andrew Lloyd Webber and musicals and wanted to be a filmmaker.
So all those things, they make sense.
Welcome to the first rehearsal of the disco-pop masterpiece "Starlight Express.
" I'm always shocked that Adam actually was like this and his family was.
Sean is incredible at what he does on the show.
I think he plays his character perfectly.
What's wrong with a lonely boy in his room videotaping himself shaking his groove thang to George Michael? Yeah, I hear it now.
He's so dedicated to, like, really getting it right.
I have been thinking.
Your kara-te movie Gosh dang it! It's okay.
It's all right, Sean.
You're nailing it.
You can imagine how much fun it would be to play with him now that you've seen him and everything.
It's just that much fun.
It would make me so happy, but now it's too late Mama.
Oh! Mama's here, baby.
Stop it! Stop it! It's Thanks--giving! What I like about Bev is that she is always right.
You don't have a woman in your life telling you all the things you do that are wrong and stupid.
I will be that woman.
I love that Beverly is the smother of the family because I think that so many different families can relate to that.
Do you need to make? Do you need to make? What if he has to make? He doesn't use public bathrooms! When she says "delicious" You're both delicious.
He's delicious.
Fluffy and delicious! Just like you! I think she knows what she's talking about 'cause I feel like she has put her teeth in.
No snuggies! You smell like the dryer.
No snuggies! Honey, you're so yummy! - That's not cool.
- I Working with Wendy is so joyful for me and so wonderful.
I want it to smell like babies, not farts and coffee newspapers.
What do you think I do? Fart while you're drinking coffee and reading newspapers.
- But, really, I can kind of - We have a good time.
- We do.
- We have a good time.
I bagged my moose.
She doesn't give a crap.
That's what a strong marriage is mutual not-giving-a-crap.
Bev adores Murray so much so that she has to leap on top of him while he's sleeping to trim his nose and ear hairs.
Having more children is literally my worst nightmare! You'll understand when you have horrible kids.
The character's nothing like me.
Nothing like me.
I'm home! Don't anybody bother me! I know you like to have your pants off.
I do, at home in real life.
Let's just address it.
I will never wear shorts under my pants.
It's madness! No matter what he says, he has supreme love for his wife.
When I was your age, I went to school and I had two jobs.
Oh, yeah? I'll go out right now and get an awesome job, and then you'll have to respect me.
You're threatening me with things I want you to do! This is on you.
Barry's great.
I love him.
- Nunchakus.
- Everything about him I really like.
Ohh! That's okay.
I'm okay.
I don't want any thinking going on.
Just instinct.
He does it beautifully.
At my core, I'm a break-dancing Samurai ninja who spits mad rhymes and dunks mad jams.
Anything where Barry and Lainey we get to see into their awkward relationship that makes no sense, that's a good episode.
Me 'n' Bar decided we were gonna stay in and have a romantic evening together.
I've been holding in a fart this whole time.
Aww.
Opposites attract, so there you go.
If embarrassing myself gets me one more kiss from his drooly, Cheeto-dusted lips, I'm in.
I'm sorry, I ca I can't be with you right now.
Sorry I quit the play.
But in my defense it's a turd on wheels.
In real life, there was no Erica.
It was the brother named Eric.
I talked to Adam Goldberg, the real one.
He had such an age gap between him and his oldest brother, Eric, that he thought that adding a female character to the mix was just really gonna help create different, fun story lines that a lot of people can relate to.
I will never be Mom! Now, take these bagel bites and blow on them three times or they'll scald your little mouth, and get away from me, Dave Kim! I feel like she really tries to bring everybody back down to earth.
She could be flattened by a truck! She's not a squirrel! We're 10 minutes from home.
She'll be fine.
Erica's the voice of reason, definitely.
You need to put an end to this.
Me?! You're the adult! I'm the cool grandpa.
I can't be the bummer.
You be the bummer.
Who you gonna telephone? The Ghost Fellas, huh? He's like, you know, the rock of the entire family.
Also, I'm pretty freaking delightful.
And he's teaching Adam to be a great man.
Barry said Emmy and I have sexual tension.
I don't know what that is.
You two are lifelong buds.
There's no way.
- You sure? - Of course.
Men and women can be friends.
It's like a cool relationship between a grandfather and his grandson.
You'll always be my hero, always be my best friend, always be my Pops.
This kid Swish, baby! It's a show about this family with all different kinds of dynamics that all different people can relate to.
Come on, it's time.
Hold hands.
Kids, do it.
- Never.
- Hold my hands.
We will hold no hands.
I thought if we can stay true to these crazy people, we'll have a show that at least I want to watch.
- Back off, Mom.
- No! I'm not holding your hand.
No, no, don't put that in the paper.
It's gonna look like the Goldbergs broke Hands Across America.
Goldbergs got it.
Anyone who grew up in the '80s will tell you there's those huge moments you'll never forget.
Mary Lou Retton winning the gold Hands Across America the fall of the Berlin Wall.
I was a teenager in the '80s, so now that I'm playing a mother in the '80s, I have a whole new respect for what my mother was going through.
Since when do you like Madonna, anyway? Oh, since I heard her rockin' song about staying a virgin.
It's very cool to wait.
I didn't grow up in the '80s, and so for me, I didn't know a lot about it when we started the show.
Having different games or movies or TV shows from the '80s incorporated into the scene, I've learned so much.
This is all about '80s culture, so it's great.
It's a compact disc.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
When people come up to you in the street, they have a certain look on their faces about, "You're telling us what we remember.
" The Reebok Pump.
A cushion of air around the foot that literally allows you to defy the laws of gravity.
People say, like, "Oh, my gosh, I grew up in the '80s, and you totally remind me of, like, myself then.
" Or, "I wore that outfit.
" I think that's awesome because anytime I see something that makes me nostalgic, it's just such a good feeling.
So I'm glad that we give that to other people.
Your hair is the only thing.
I guess I feel it more because I'm covered in '80s nostalgia.
Who's ready for some Jazzercise? People with no shame? In the very beginning, we had to make sure that it was super fun for people who knew the '80s and it was nostalgic.
But then there's this whole other universe that has no idea what the '80s are.
It's fun to do that, too, and show people who don't know the '80s kind of the interesting and fun side of it all.
Okay, so here we are in Adam's bedroom with Sir Prop Master Jem.
Got a lot of toys.
This guy, the Shogun Warrior's from Adam's personal collection.
He goes over every aspect of the room and makes sure that it's all toys that he liked and that they're all 1980s-specific toys.
Those VHS tapes are The real Adam's favorite movies growing up.
So we've done a lot of the episodes like "Princess Bride" and "Ghostbusters" and Do you think we're gonna do a "Highlander" episode? - You never know.
- He'd be pretty happy.
I didn't think we'd do a "Dirty Dancing" episode, so maybe we will.
My baby is Baby! Erica? Is that you? Please don't be upset with me.
You have your health.
That's literally a line from the movie! When it comes to our homages, you know, to movies or whatever, it's never that we're trying to duplicate that movie.
It's what are our children's responses to that movie? Admit you're the Cameron.
My leopard vest and boyish charm say otherwise.
That's my look! I'm Ferris! This is the first time we actually really did the whole outfit.
But this was so important because it's so something Barry would do is just head-to-toe it.
It's an iconic look, for sure.
We had Charlie Sheen as the same character, which was awesome.
Drugs? Thank you, no.
I'm good.
To remake that huge scene was something that I don't think I'll ever forget.
No, I meant are you in here for drugs? No.
When Charlie Sheen came in, I was like, "Is this the kind of boot you would wear?" And he was like, "This is exactly it!" And I was like, "Yeah, I know.
I thought so.
" I think the styling on the show is genius.
I mean, this show stays so true to the '80s.
Check out this sweet day-glo.
It glows in the day.
- You like 'em? - They made a parachute into clothing! Damn right, I like 'em! Obviously, every week, I think people look forward to Wendy's sweaters.
Do not be fooled by my sweater.
I am not flappy.
I'm very flangry.
When we first started, the real Beverly Goldberg sent me a box full of her actual sweaters.
This one's a favorite because it's Adam Goldberg's favorite.
It's like the biggest memory he has of his mom in her sweaters is this sweater.
You're not gonna believe it.
I just got off the phone with your old high school.
Your record has been broken.
This one was a crazy situation where the writers wrote me at I don't know like a Thursday and said, "We've written this scene.
Good luck!" - Oh, no.
What is that?! - Oh, my God! It's a Harlequin clown riding a unicorn high-fiving a dolphin.
Duh.
This is actual Beverly Goldberg jacket.
She takes such care.
I mean, she made that.
And let's just put a glove on it.
That's special stuff.
Check out my new jacket.
- Oh, no! - Oh, my God! There's sort of a formula for every episode.
A few sweaters, then I always do a jumpsuit and then some sort of weird blouse, like, with a brooch or something.
Oh, your nose is all pink - like a little kitten.
- Mom.
- Meow.
- Stop.
Meow, meow, meow! Stop it.
We've talked about this.
You can't just give cash around.
Can't just go around handing Pbht! Still rolling.
I think my favorite moments are whenever we are a whole family around the dinner table.
And while they can be frustrating and long shooting days, I love being with the entire cast and working off of each other.
It makes it so fun, and it doesn't feel like work at all.
I'm tired of this crap! One more time.
All of our Thanksgiving episodes, we end up around the table, and the reason those take so long to film is because we act like such brats.
Don't poke the bear, all right?! They're super fun for us.
We laugh the whole day, but I'm sure the crew is just, you know, cursing under their breath.
Sweetie Yeah, we do laugh all day long.
But that's important.
We discussed this.
You can't just Oh, fudge.
Sorry.
- I love it.
- Okay.
Take your work seriously, but don't take yourself seriously.
There's so many different guest stars that come on this show.
People like Principal Ball and Mr.
Glascott I mean, those characters are, like, iconic.
I have a parrot that I can't get rid of.
They live for 80 years.
Did you know that? It's a nightmare! You know how I feel about Tim Meadows scenes? - Oh, I know.
She loves them.
- I love him.
I just think he's amazing.
Ooh, "Charlie's Angels.
" Who are they chasing? Where's Bosley? Why is she on a boat? And whenever we have David Koechner and Jeff Garlin in a scene together, - it's like fire.
- Oh, my gosh.
I'm getting it.
- You go on and get it.
- Oh, I'm getting it but good.
- Get it, doggy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is barking a mustache thing? - Oh, yeah.
- Go on, doggy.
I'm going! - Dan Fogler.
- Yeah.
We love Dan Fogler.
De-Lorean.
Cracks us up every time.
Have you been chased by terrorists? No, but I have been chased by the ladies 'cause it's a ass magnet! Never gainfully employed.
Always has a scheme, whether it's back-cracking school I hate it so much! I'm a healer! Let me heal you! Or bartending school.
I'll take a gin and tonic.
Too hard.
Pass.
Marriage is not like a magazine subscription.
You don't have to keep renewing it.
Well, you do if you want to keep the magazine.
Well I liked the episode where we renewed our vows.
I know.
You are my princess.
And I am the luckiest nobody in the world.
One of the best moments was when Erica is filming her audition tape.
Whoa.
What's with the stool, honey? Don't call me "honey.
" I think that was when I realized my job was really weird because I was sitting on a taxidermy ram.
There was smoke machines.
Wendy was had a Garfield cat that was dancing behind me.
Like in the Paula Abdul video.
I mean, you name it, we threw it into the scene.
And I was like, "What are we doing?" But it was the most fun I've had in a while.
I'll sweep your floor, and you know why? 'Cause nobody gets to the NBA without a struggle.
- That's one of my favorites.
- I like that one.
- We had fun.
We had so much fun.
- Yes, we did.
I'm home! Nobody bother me! I really struggled with finding the favorite episode.
The one when they when I was in the boxes.
Okay, time for my big battle scene.
- Not "Terminator.
" What is it? - Uh, oh, "Transformers.
" - "The Transformers.
" - That was a good one.
I had no idea "Transformer.
" But we had great fun.
The episode where you and Adam go to the stadium and you lose each other.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh.
This kid of yours What's he look like? I don't know.
He's a boy.
He's normal-looking.
He's got hair, a face.
I-I don't look at him much.
I really enjoyed that episode 'cause, like, Murray, it's not always shown that he's this lovable guy, and then at the end, he just, like, breaks down.
He's like, "Come here.
" I know.
You're safe.
You're safe.
I'm gonna cry now.
No! Don't cry, George.
Oh, God, don't hug me.
Oh! I need to hug you.
What's the line? "Jokes need not apply"? Yeah.
In the third act.
At the top of the third act, a joke here and there, and then after that, it's emotional.
What you said That was really, um Thank you.
Anything for you, peanut.
Definitely one of the act threes that stands out in my mind is the camping in the backyard, where Erica is apologizing to Beverly.
It's hard to say.
It was an intense scene to film.
We were both crying, like, real tears.
Even though I'm grown up and I don't need you I still do.
I always will.
Oh, honey.
Lump in the throat, yeah.
Hey, Mom? I'm sure when the time comes, I'll find some space for you in my house.
Really? Yeah.
I'll always make room for you.
Hey, there, big boy.
Oh! Stay seated! Who the hell says that? I-I'm sorry.
A lot of people probably say that.
Oh, you think I'm gonna leave? And you've got more of a scene to do.
There's more to go on.
There's a chemical thing with casting, and this was a big bowl of "Yes" right away.
And you just sort of felt it, like, "Oh, this works.
" I love him so much, it's disturbing.
"The Goldbergs," as cheesy as it is to be like, "Oh, we all just get along and love each other," we really are like a family Whoa! on and off set.
I think the reason why people connect with this show is that the relationships are really organic.
Like, they're actually already built off set, and you can tell, I think, on camera.
Action.
Look at that! We were young when we started this.
We were 18.
Sean was like What was he, 14, 15? Sorry for laughing.
You were young.
- That was 3 1/2 years ago.
- That's like Even if we had something to hide, - which we don't - We don't.
We'd never rat each other out.
- Never.
- Never.
- Hyah! - Hyah! We have a pretty good time doing this.
That's the one! And I've always believed that if you're having a good time it comes through the screen.
Put your seat belt on.
I'm gonna nudge her.
Good for you.
Don't you nudge me.
Oh, I'm nudging you! Don't you nudge me! You've been nudged! This isn't over, not by a long shot, mister! Everyone's doing a good job, and there's a lot of love and kindness and happiness and joy that goes on.
Sing, baby, sing! If everyone really works hard and focuses but really enjoys themselves, I think that we're lucky that we can be on a show this good.
I'll always be right here.
There's so much truth to the show.
It's so genuine.
And there's just a lot of love.
Everything is centered on love.
Looking back on your childhood is a funny thing.
Sure, the details get fuzzy, and the days blend together.
But the good news is all the hurt fades away, and you just end up remembering the love.
You remember your family.
You remember 1980-something.
And you wouldn't change a thing.
Come into the nook.
It's "Battle of the Network Stars.
" Fonzie sure can throw a javelin.
Stop! Stop, Mom! Kissy shark! Kissy shark! - Stop! Stop it! - Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah! Before he turned this awesome party into a dancing Scooby-Doo adventure.
I can't get the line! It's the line's fault! It is not my fault! The line It's the line's fault at this point! I'm letting you know it's the line's fault! It's no longer my fault! I am trying every single time, and I can't get it! Think of something else, and I will do it.