Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e00 Episode Script

1 - (Piano plays) - (Low hum of chatter) (Moira and David sing jazzy "Silent Night") Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright Round yon virgin, Mother and child Holy infant, so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly Sleep in heavenly peace - (Applause) - (Moira giggles) Oh, thank you, thank you.
Now, Aretha will be out in just a moment.
Oh, who needs Aretha, when we have you, darling? Ha ha! Paul Shaffer, you are my most cherished friend! And, worth every penny.
Oh, you guys are too kind.
And now a special little sec David, you can step aside now, dear.
Paul: There he goes, David Rose.
And now, a special little secular something I'd like to dedicate to my husband, Mr.
Johnny Rose! (Crowd chants) Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Moira: John? John, you're talking in your sleep again.
Oh.
What day is it? Christmas Eve.
(Owl hoots) Wake me when it's over.
(Owl hoots) - (Door opens, light clicks on) - David: Ah! - Johnny: Kids! - Alexis: Ugh! Outta bed, it's Christmas Eve, and this year we will be celebrating the holiday! I'm good, thanks, though.
Okay, can you turn the lights off, please? No, I refuse to turn off the light on Christmas again, this year.
I understand not wanting to make a fuss our first year.
We were depressed, and in shock.
- Last year - Less shock, deeper depression.
Well, I was going to say, we were finally making some headway.
Okay, so what exactly is your proposal, then? Well, I say we throw a party.
Just like the old days.
Invite some people over, sing some carols.
Okay, you know today is Christmas Eve, right, and maybe people don't wanna spend it like, caroling in front of mom's wig wall? I can't think of a more festive way to spend Christmas Eve, than all of us pitching in.
Okay, I just don't know how we're gonna pull this off without the grand piano, or the ice sculptures.
Or the reindeer room.
I'm afraid this whim of yours is going to obliterate our precious holiday memories.
Well, that's exactly the point, Moira.
We have to make new memories.
We have to start looking forward, not backward.
Now, you and I will get the tree.
David, you're in charge of the decorations, 'cause I don't wanna hear I've made another mistake.
Alexis, I trust you can handle the guest list? Oh, okay, re the guest list, um, unfortunately, Ted and I will be unable to attend.
Why? Cancel your plans! Ted is certainly welcome here! Okay, what about the gift situation then, because everything on my list requires pre-order.
Okay, come on, let's get dressed, everybody.
We're running out of time! Look at you, Mr.
Rose, seemingly possessed by the Christmas spirit.
Ha, ha! That reminds me, somebody needs to find the menorah.
- - David, we can have drinks literally any night.
Christmas with your family sounds like fun.
Yeah, it was fun, like way, way, way back.
We used to throw these lavish Christmas parties.
- I'm sure you read about them.
- I have not.
I see.
Well they were big, and they were fun.
And, ever since we moved here, we just sort of decided to fast forward through the holidays.
Well, as somebody who would love to be celebrating with his family back home, I think it's nice that your Dad's planning something.
(Door opens) Stevie: Hello.
- Merry Christmas, Patrick! - Merry Christmas, Stevie! Do I not get a Merry Christmas, or ? I thought you were Jewish? I'm a delightful half-half situation, which is why it's so annoying that my Dad thinks he can boss people around on a holiday that he technically has no authority over.
Well, can whichever half is feeling the most generous give me a discount on two cases of wine, please? How many people does he think are showing up to this thing? Oh, he only wanted one case.
I have my own holiday tradition.
It's like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it's 1 day with 12 bottles of wine.
That sounds like fun.
Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party? Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I'd burned that bridge in Ibiza.
Okay, but we have plenty of decorations here, so.
Yeah, that are for sale.
We're not just giving away our inventory.
Wow.
So, what time is the Ghost of Christmas Past - coming to visit you tonight? - Ooh, burn, David! Anyway, I'm sure there's something at the motel.
Don't you guys put up decorations over the holidays? Um, Nana Bud used to.
There's a box in the attic.
Okay, so you do have decorations, then.
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be up to your standards.
Well, they'll have to do, because at this point, the party's at 7, and I don't have any time to mood-board a color scheme.
Okay.
Thank you.
Do you have time to mood-board a color scheme? - Does anyone? - No.
(Christmas music plays) Knock, knock.
Hey! Come in! Smells so good in here! Look at you in that flouncy apron, you little Christmas Elf! I'm gonna take that as a compliment, even though everything inside me's telling me that it's not.
What have we here? Ah, it's just a bit of a tradition at Christmas parties that I have with my friends.
See, we do a cookie competition, and then the winner gets to take home all of the leftovers to their families on Christmas Day.
So cute.
I basically did exactly the same thing with my friends once.
But instead of cookies, it was whatever we could find in our parents' medicine cabinets, and instead of a Christmas party, it was an old boot factory in Krakow.
Well, I, I did get up at the Krak-ow dawn, so that Alexis could bake these cookies.
Alexis didn't bake these cookies, though.
Yeah, no, I know, I just thought that we would say that you did, so that we could give you a leg-up with my friends.
Why would I need a leg-up with your friends? No, no reason.
They are very excited to meet you.
- (Alexis chuckles) - Just It did take a bit of convincing, after the called-off engagement s.
But, they have all agreed to give you one last chance.
What? I shouldn't have said one last chance, I just meant like, one more final chance.
I-I'm making this sound worse than it is.
They-they're gonna love you.
Wow, what if something came up and I couldn't come? Yeah.
What if I missed chest and back day? Rather not think about it.
- Wait did something come up? - No, no.
Not at all.
Um, my Dad just had this last minute idea of um, throwing a Christmas party tonight.
So something did come up? I-I had thought that you said that your family doesn't celebrate Christmas? Well, we don't, normally.
I honestly don't know what he's thinking.
Okay, but I don't wanna keep you from your family.
You're not.
I do want to meet your cool, scary, judgy friends, and the last thing I wanna do is cause you any trouble.
So, why don't you just double this cookie recipe, and we'll drop a batch off to my parents on our way? O Kay, that's just 72 more cookies to make, then.
("Jingle Bells" plays) (Door opens) Oh, isn't this festive? It's like an old-fashioned country Christmas, huh Moira? Picking out a fresh-cut tree? No, all I can think about is the 22' Norwegian Pine we once had.
And the protestors, shouting at the flatbed truck as it made its way through our front gates.
Now that was festive.
Well, obviously we'll be looking at something a bit more modest this year.
But this time, at least, we get to pick out the tree ourselves.
Mm, smell those pine needles.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Rose.
What you're smelling is actually our holiday-scented car ornaments.
They can be used in the car, or on your tree.
Sold separately, of course.
Looks like you're down to your last little saplings, Raymond.
Yes, so we're selling these for a special price.
Ah, see, the Christmas spirit is all around us.
Oh, I'm sorry, by special, I meant higher price, because of demand.
Oh.
Well, that's all right.
The tree's just a gesture.
We don't need anything fancy.
Okay, well, these over there are $100 per gesture, or 2 gestures for $175.
Let's go.
I've had enough waking hours for one day.
Moira, can I uh, see you in private, for a minute? Please, take your time.
Although uh, keep in mind, with our inventory dwindling, we're surge-pricing right now.
- Ah.
- Hmm.
Oh.
Tell me this, sweetheart, have I asked you for a lot this year? It depends, are we talking emotionally? (Johnny sighs) You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays.
Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy's Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria's.
How 'bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser? I hear Peter Fundraiser.
Bogdanovich loved a mink.
Well, I'd love it if you could just be a little more on-board with all of this.
Okay, John, for you.
And Christmas.
Okay, thank you, Moira.
Ray? How's it looking, Moira? Is it straight? Oh, straight as an arrow.
Ah, good.
Oh, David, Stevie.
That tree's not straight.
Huh? I don't know, it's pretty straight.
Let's see what we got here.
Lights.
We're missing a lot of bulbs, but, we'll make do.
What else? What's this, a pumpkin? Perhaps a Christmas gourd.
It's not a Christmas gourd, Moira.
I know, John, but you requested I get on board.
That was me getting on board.
David, what's going on here? This, this stuff is garbage.
Um, it's Stevie's grandmother's decorations? And by garbage, Stevie, you know, I I mean, Oh, no, no, no.
It's it's bad.
- What's this? - Those would be Mardi Gras beads.
Nanna Bud worked real hard for those.
So we're getting warmer.
This is all you could find, David? You own a store! Where where are all the decorations that you sell in your store? Um they're at the store, being sold.
I couldn't just bring everything home, just because you wanted to have a party at the last minute.
We're saving for stuff.
Oh, well that's very responsible.
- What are you saving for? - An espresso machine.
You're selling coffee now? Hmm it's more for the staff room.
I'm gonna just go get that wine.
It's for the staff room? So you couldn't bring home decorations for your family on Christmas because you're saving money for a coffee maker for yourself? I believe he said espresso machine.
You're not helping, Moira.
(Gasps) What is everybody yelling about? Well, we have a Christmas tree, but no decorations because your brother's a cheap-ass! And right now we have the most un-Christmassy looking room, that'll soon be filled with party guests Speaking of, how's the guest list coming, Alexis? I don't know, you tell me! Why would I tell you? You were in charge of the guest list! Well, it's hard to be in charge of the guest list, if no one's given it to me yet.
Why would anybody give it to you? You were in charge of making it! Making it? I thought you wanted me to handle it? Like, work the door, make sure nobody gets in that isn't on the list! It's Christmas Eve, Alexis! Who's going out crashing other people's Christmas parties? (Knock on door, door opens) - Ugh! - Knock! Knock! - Any room left at the inn? - (Chuckles) I hope you guys all like gingerbread.
Oh, you're too sweet.
Oh no, it was the least we can do, just sorry that we couldn't stick around for the party tonight.
- What's that? - You didn't tell him? - Oh, my god.
- Okay, I hate this! I opened red, I hope that's okay with everyone? Alexis, I thought we agreed that you and Ted would be coming here tonight? I know, but Ted's friends are having a thing, and everyone low-key hates me.
Uh, hate is a strong word.
Do you know what I think might put this jolly trolley back on track? The release of the tree.
Are you kidding me, Moira? I don't see much point in doing that now.
- No, release it.
- Alexis: Yes.
And I'll put the Jerry beads on the tree.
We're not putting Mardi Gras beads on a Christmas tree, Alexis! John, please, do the honors.
(Alexis gasps) (All clap) Yay.
(Scissors snap) (Branches clank) W I, for one, find it charming, in sort of a a war-torn sort of way.
If we rotate it? Allow me.
I can do that.
I'll just No, no, actually we don't wanna do that.
Looks like the other side has been charred, or something.
Um, what if we cut it up and turned it into garlands? Why don't we just cut it up for firewood? No this, this was a really stupid idea, a little Christmas party.
Something to temporarily take our minds off things.
But clearly this was too much for all of you.
And you're right, why start making an effort now? John? I'm gonna take a walk.
It's meatloaf night at the cafe, and if anything is screaming Christmas to me right now, it's meatloaf.
(Door opens and closes) Okay I didn't wanna say anything, but meatloaf night was yesterday.
Dear God, I - Good night.
- Good night.
David? Alexis? ("O Christmas Tree" plays) - Moira, have you seen the kids? - Whose kids? Our kids? That ship sailed hours ago, dear.
Literally, Alexis and Stavros are on his father's yacht by now.
Off to Capri.
Ah.
And David? Hm, David, last I heard he was screaming at Wolfgang.
Apparently there weren't enough capers - on the smoked salmon crudites.
- Ah.
I thought we could open presents tonight.
Oh don't worry, I already gave them their checks.
- Quite something, isn't it? - Hmm.
- All this? - Yeah.
Moira, come stand here with me for a minute.
John, you know I would, but I've already taken my Christmas pills, and bitter experience has taught me I have just 8 minutes to make it safely up the stairs.
(Blows air kiss) (Piano plays) Woman's Voice: Mr.
Rose? Twyla: Mr.
Rose! Can I take your plate? Oh, yes, yes, Twyla, and please, thank the kitchen for the meatloaf.
I could've sworn it was Wednesdays.
- It's always been Tuesdays.
- Oh.
Is everything okay, Mr.
Rose? Why wouldn't it be, it's Christmas Eve? And yet, here you are, eating yesterday's meatloaf.
Hi, John.
Moira.
Twyla, thank you.
I hope he didn't keep you too late.
I'm sure you have somewhere to be.
Actually, I do, but you guys take as long as you want.
- George will lock up.
- Merry Christmas, Twyla.
Merry Christmas, Mr.
Rose.
Dinner is on us.
(Footsteps thud) Well, this isn't right, you sitting here alone.
Oh, I don't know, it feels pretty familiar.
Yes, I guess we've established a pretty grim tradition these past few years.
Well, I'm not talking about these past few years, I was talking about the old days.
Do you even remember how those big, lavish Christmas parties used to end? I think that's the sign of a successful soiree, if you don't.
I'd find myself standing alone, staring at the tree, and all I'd want, I just thought, in spite of all the hardship that We found ourselves coming together, the kids, you, and me, as a family.
And it just seemed like the perfect day to celebrate that.
The perfect day for a Rose Family Christmas Party.
John, I'm sorry.
On behalf of the children, for myself, I'm sorry, John.
We didn't fully understand why this party was so important to you.
Well, doesn't matter now.
No, guess we should get a move on.
Ah, uh uh.
Oh, there's no booze in that! Ew! Ew! (Footsteps crunch in the snow) Hm, the one nice thing about living in this desolate, lonely place, is it can, at times, be quite peaceful.
Well, it wasn't too peaceful this afternoon, I'm sorry to say.
Oh, nah, it wouldn't be the holidays without at least one good family fight.
No, but what was I thinking, Moira? Springing this party idea on everyone was a little last minute.
It appears there's been a Christmas miracle, John.
All: Merry Christmas! ("Jingle Bells" plays) (Low hum of chatter) - Merry Christmas, John.
- Oh.
Oh, David! Is this the same tree? Uh, theoretically.
We have spent a very long time gluing it back together.
Scary amount of super glue.
Seriously, nobody should light a match in here.
- Mm hmm.
- And Everyone chipped in.
And there might have been a few things leftover at the store.
So - Who wants bubbly? - Merry Christmas, Mr.
Rose.
Merry Christmas, Dad.
You know I hate to miss a good party.
See? I knew you could handle a guest list.
And um, just a heads up, Ted's vet friends are coming by later, and I have a sneaking suspicion they're a little bit - But, hmm.
- (Small chuckle) - Room looks good.
- Mm hmm.
You still thinking about that espresso machine, aren't ya? Yes.
Yes, I am.
- One day.
- Mm hmm.
Hey, Johnny, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Roland.
Little last minute, this little party of yours, huh? Well, it seems last minute turned into last second.
Well, all I'm saying is, next time um, I'd appreciate my invitation about a week in advance, okay? Well, if I have things my way, we'll be making this an annual tradition, so you can save the date now.
No, that's way too far in advance, I can't make that kinda commitment.
Okay, Roland.
Moira, it's so wonderful - that you made this happen for Johnny.
- Yeah.
But, we were supposed to be caroling at the senior's center 30 minutes ago.
Oh, Jocelyn, surely the dentures have been dropped in the glass by now.
Can't we spare one carol here, before we go? - Why not.
- Yes.
Twyla? (Music ends) (Low hum of chatter) Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright Round yon virgin Mother and Child Holy Infant So tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace Oh sleep What, it's just nice.
Nothing's happening.
Looks like you're crying.
Oh well, I'm not.
It's just we're - We ran out of red! - Oh.
Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace Anyone interested in opening a gift tonight? I thought you said we weren't doing presents? Well, you kids were so upset about there being no presents, The Church had a small rummage sale this morning, so I popped in.
Close your eyes, Moira.
Smaller, smaller, smaller.
A bomb? - No, it's an antique tin.
- Oh.
- For your wig pins.
- Oh.
- David: Hmm.
- Ooh.
Little something for you, Alexis.
(Envelope rustles) Stickers! Of old men! No, they're stamps, from all over the world.
- David, I know you like money.
- Yes.
(Change clinks) It's what looks like 1,000 Yen.
Yeah.
Hm.
It's like being right back in Japan.
Okay, okay, let's just smile and say thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, you know, reminds me, I was worried about this menorah being so close to the garland.
Last thing we want is to have the motel burn down.
- Or is it? - What?