Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e01 Episode Script

[GASPS]
I just saw a ghost, y'all!
- Why are we doing this?
- It was a ghost.
I came around the corner,
he was sitting right there.
I'm thinking he's like
a Victorian era
Oh, my God, they're multiplying!
Uh, hi. We're looking for
Principal Coleman.
It's our son Charlie's first day.
We enrolled via the district website.
[CHUCKLES] Please tell
me you guys see them, too.
- MELISSA: Ava.
- You know what?
Let me go get my proton pack.
- Hey, hey, stop.
- Stop.
So, they're building
a big-time PGA golf course
about 10 blocks away from here
in the Girard Creek area.
It's allegedly good for the city,
and people are into it.
And, um, new people are
moving to Philly
West Philly just to play there.
So
And while Tiger Woods is
a notable golfer,
the demographic of most golfers
is mainly, um
We're so excited to be here.
Yeah, we were recommended we go private
from, gosh, nearly every person
and website we know, but we were like,
"Hey, public all the way!" [LAUGHTER]
So
Well, it's great to have you.
- This is new.
- Yeah.
First time in all my years.
Well, thrilled to meet you.
And, uh, just because it's nice to have
a new student, and no other reasons.
Okay, and I'm Ms. Teagues.
I believe I'm your teacher, Charlie.
Welcome. And it's so nice
to meet you both.
And I'm Principal Coleman,
the one you were looking for.
Totally remember you enrolling
the little and very real Charlie.
And we are incredibly
pleased to have you
and welcome you to the rich,
diverse tapestry of Abbott Elementary.
You'll fit right in.
Are we being audited?
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
JANINE: Come on in.
Hello, Ms. Teagues.
Oh. Hello, Mr. Eddie.
Hope your day's going well.
- It is. Thank you for asking.
- Mm.
And I hope your day
is going well, as well.
It is. Thank you.
So, Gregory and I did try out
a relationship for a little bit,
but in the end, it just didn't work out.
So, now, we are back to being friends.
- Just kidding!
- Ha, ha!
- We got y'all!
- Yeah.
So we're, um
W-We're dating. We're dating, yeah.
After the party that night,
we started dating.
Yeah. And it's been going
really, really well.
Right, and I'm happy.
I would tell everyone,
but Janine so intelligently
pointed out that
we should keep our work
and personal lives separate.
And I have to agree with that.
Yeah, yeah. And on top of that,
we just get to have fun
and let our relationship be
- just us, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
So, aside from Jacob, nobody knows.
Nobody.
TOGETHER: We all know.
It's just beyond obvious.
I don't even know how their
dumb asses think they hidin' it.
They stay in each other's faces.
Dumbasses.
BARBARA: But we're gonna
let them have their space
because, clearly, they need it.
Honestly, I don't care that much.
I got bills, you know?
I know that's right. If anything,
it's an insult to our intelligence.
We know what two people look
like when they hunchin' hard.
We're not dumb.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Mnh-mnh.
Alright class, we're
going to unfold our paper,
and we have a beautiful
CHILDREN: Butterfly!
Yes! Specifically,
an orange sulfur butterfly,
which is native to Pennsylvania!
Can't find that in Jersey, now, can you?
CHILDREN: No!
[WATER TRICKLING]
What in the world?
Hey, Barb, is your water pressure low?
Some kid just sneezed
God knows what in my hand,
and I got no water going on.
Me too.
Ugh!
- Ava?
- Oh!
Ava? A-va!
What is going on?
The water pressure is lower
than Gerald's iron.
Now, who the hell is Gerald?
Look, it's the new golf course.
They broke a water pipe.
There's nothing we can do about it.
I'm just about fed up with
this golf course construction.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just blocking up traffic,
making it difficult to get
in here in the mornings,
and the noise all day long!
And I've noticed an uptick
in the rodents and bugs.
- That's construction, too.
- Mm!
I killed 30 roaches this morning.
Oh. [SPRAYS]
- Hey!
- 31. This has to stop.
AVA: Look, I gotta listen to
y'all complain all damn day.
"We want books. We want
paper towels in the classroom."
Bet you want raises, too.
- Yeah, I like money.
- I'm still waiting on the paper towels.
This project is backed by the
city, so there's nothing I can do.
And don't forget
back-to-school staff meeting tomorrow.
Have your presentations ready
with your proposed yearly goals.
MELISSA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [STOMPS]
- Hey!
- 32.
Must you kill these living
creatures so forcefully?
I didn't get that one.
It's headed to you.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Die! Die! [MELISSA SCREAMS]
Aah! [SPRAYING]
GREGORY: Going to do my presentation on
the benefits of plants
in each classroom.
Try to get people on board for that.
That is so amazing.
I mean, it's it's very thoughtful.
I mean, it's no school-wide field trip
to the Baltimore Aquarium,
like your presentation. [SIGHS]
Principal Coleman, you have a second?
We're fact-checking
for our podcast club.
Yeah, we reported
that Mr. Hill can't read,
- which turned out to be
- Not true!
Why are you always asking us
to read out loud, then?
What are you fact-checking now?
[CELLPHONE CHIRPS] Are Ms.
Teagues and Mr. Eddie dating?
Uh, why not report on something
a little more exciting?
Like Like the weather, okay?
It does often change.
In fact, there's more
to this Mr. C story.
Like how he's always
listening to audiobooks.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
I was letting Janine and Gregory
have their fun,
but if the kids even know about them
Look, from my summer
at principal school,
I learned that I'll get in
trouble if they get in trouble.
So I got to take action.
Which is my least favorite thing
to take.
Pizza here.
I like the way you pass that pizza.
I like the way you hand out milk boxes.
That's for you. There you go.
And you.
Um, you know what?
Maybe we wanna be more careful,
because people might be watching,
and we don't want people
to get the wrong idea.
Maybe, instead of always
looking over our shoulders
Our very broad shoulders. [CHUCKLES]
We should just tell our co-workers.
Well, yeah, but, you know,
we don't want everyone in our
business of, like, what we are.
And we can't forget HR. I
mean, that's very intense.
Yeah, I was thinking about that.
HR is only an issue
if somebody reports us,
and HR hasn't been
to this school since ever.
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
AVA: Attention Abbott staff.
Tomorrow, an HR representative
from the district
will be here for the day.
He'll be available to all staff members
if they feel the need
to make any complaints
or inquire about benefits
or report anything
anything at all.
Mm, mm, mm. I know what that's about.
You do? [CHUCKLES]
Of course I do.
- Um
- You've seen the way Melissa hits on me.
She's always, "Mr. Johnson,
my trash is filled."
"Mr. Johnson, can you
please take out my trash?"
"Mr. Johnson, this is your whole job."
Flirting her little ass off!
- Oh.
- Okay.
She's going down.
Get her! [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
Jacob! I am not letting you
microwave your beans
with my tea.
Barbara, please. We are running
out of time before class starts.
It is not my fault road closures
allowed traffic to back up.
Now, please, move your beans.
[MICROWAVE CLATTERS, BEEPS] Thank you.
I'll tell you what.
If that golf course was a person
and I wasn't a fully
law-abiding citizen,
they'd be sinking to the bottom of
the Schuylkill River right about now.
My Bunsen burners aren't
working. Who shut off the gas?
Are you cooking eggs in your classroom?
You needn't worry about
matters concerning
the breakfast sciences. Now, who did it?
The construction workers
turned off the gas to the entire grid.
- MR. MORTON: Aw.
- Nothing I can do about it.
Write a letter to the city.
I don't know what's more vile
this golf course or Morton.
Here are the pains in my asses.
I'm sorry. The what?
Everyone, as promised,
HR is here today. This is Warren.
So if anyone has anything
they want to file,
just raise your hand.
Not about me. About other things.
Well
[BELL RINGS] Oh!
And we're out of time.
And yours.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Good morning, Daniel.
Hey, how about Italian
for dinner tonight? LaScala's?
We're gonna be nice to our desk
mates today, yeah, Yasmine?
I'm good with that, as long
as they got buttered noodles.
I'd never take you anywhere
without buttered noodles.
[QUIETLY] Come on in.
Yeah, it's nice talking to you
while looking at you.
[CHUCKLES] Which reminds me,
when do you want to talk with/confess
that we're dating to HR?
I have fifth period free.
Oh, yeah, um
How about, like, later?
Like, after the back-to-school
presentations? Okay?
Uh, actually [CLEARS THROAT]
Good morning, Ms. Teagues.
Good morning, Mr. Eddie.
You remember Warren, right, Janine?
HR at the district. Mm-hmm.
Janine, it's so good to see you,
after wasting our time
at the district. [CHUCKLES]
I told Superintendent Reynolds
I knew you didn't have
what it takes to be a district diva.
It is good to see you again, Warren.
Anything you want to make
Warren aware of, you can.
Anything at all.
- Well, um, we
- Well, we got nothing.
Uh, except it is so good
to see you, really.
[WARREN CHUCKLES]
Um, yeah, nothing to report.
Well, he'll be here all day,
if your memories happen to get jogged.
- Phew!
- Um, hey, real quick.
Everything good?
We could have at least tee'd it up.
Yeah, no, everything is fine.
It's just, um, you know,
like we said, later today.
We don't want to drop
life-changing information
before class even starts, right?
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY] So
Have a good morning, Mr. Eddie.
Hey, good morning. How you doing?
CHILDREN: Good morning, Ms. Teagues.
Good morning, y'all.
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
My tooth fell out in the nugget!
- MELISSA: Oh!
- BARBARA: Oh!
Wow, you used a lot of ketchup there.
Oh, blood. That is blood.
These are frozen.
Have some pudding, hon.
What?
[NUGGET THUDS] Shanae!
These nuggets are cold and hard!
Thank you, Philadelphia Inquirer.
You don't think I know?
The gas still isn't back on.
We heated them the best we could.
We had to serve something.
Ooh, I have had it up to
heaven with this golf course!
We cannot live like this
the rest of the year.
You know what? I'm gonna do
a little sniffing around.
Although, I don't really
have the same connections
I used to have in this city,
which I guess, in a way,
is a sign of progress.
BARBARA: Oh.
How'd the conversation go
with the HR guy?
Didn't go.
It's Janine.
Has she said anything to you?
Is she like, not that into
this relationship?
Mnh-mnh. No. She's definitely
deeply in like with you.
And I know you all
aren't ready to say it yet,
but I love you both, you
know. [DOOR OPENS]
[CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY]
Uh, hey, um,
I cannot find my presentation anywhere.
I must have forgotten it at home.
Can't you just print out another one?
No, that one has my notes, you know?
That's how I know when to be angry,
when to be jovial,
when to pause for a laugh.
See? So, anyway,
I don't have time to go home
before the presentations.
This is going to be bad.
Um, well, I have a free period
when my kids are at gym.
I could run to your place,
grab it, and head back.
You're just the best.
Okay, here are my house keys.
You know how to get in.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Seems pretty into you.
[DOOR CLOSES]
- You have a little, um
- Oh.
- Here, you want me to get it?
- No, don't.
Okay.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Guys, guys.
- Non-union workers.
- What?
The golf course. They're using scabs.
My cousin Tommy, he does
construction with the Local 955,
and they haven't been called.
They're cutting corners.
One word to the city,
- and this course is dunzo.
- BARBARA: Ooh.
Or, we can get my cousin
to kill all their pets.
I'mma leave it up to you.
- Call the city.
- Jesus!
All right. Easy.
This is why I gave you options.
Thank you all for joining
this mandatory meeting
"2024 School Year Goals."
First up, Barbara Howard,
on teaching new math.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Esteemed colleagues,
I've decided to go
in a different direction.
Math hasn't changed,
but what has changed, however,
is the viscosity of child
and adolescent rheum.
[STAFF MURMURING]
Boogers!
STAFF: Ohhh!
Now, I know it might seem weird,
but the consistency is changing,
and it is alarming.
[WHISPERING] Where's Gregory?
He just texted and said he's in
traffic because of road closures.
Damn golf course!
Jacob, I don't know
my presentation, okay?
If I don't do my presentation,
the kids don't go to the aquarium.
If the kids don't go to the
aquarium, they fail the SATs.
Just breathe. Barbara's still
talking boogers. You got time.
- In conclusion
- Damn it.
I'm suggesting that
we get our milk tested
and our glue tested too.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you, Barb. Janine, your turn.
- What?
- Come on, pipsqueak.
Let's get this over with.
Hmm.
Okay. Alright.
Let's give it up for Barb, right?
- We did that already.
- Yeah, yeah. Give it up for Barb.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Alright. Hey, give it up for yourselves.
Janine!
Okay, okay, okay.
So, uh, my school-year goal for 2024
is to take us all
to a field trip to
the Baltimore Aquarium.
[STAFF EXCLAIM] Yes, yes.
But before I get into it,
I think we should ask ourselves
What is an aquarium, really,
when you think about it?
And who's really in the tank?
Is it the fish, or is it us?
[SNAPPING]
Oh, thank God.
Hey.
It was in your kitchen.
[CHUCKLES]
Set.
- The Playskool one
- Yeah.
- In your classroom for the kids.
- Yes, yes.
Why are you all sweaty? [STAFF MURMURS]
Uh, because I keep
the temperature in my classroom
- very warm, to sweat.
- Mm-hmm.
You better turn it down!
I will.
Whose keys are you holding?
- Mine.
- So those keychains are your keychains?
You like Cinderella?
[STAFF "OOH" S]
I like what she represents.
How about that one that says
J-A-N-I-N-E?
AVA: Yeah, Gregory.
Probably best for you
and anyone else involved
if you tell all of us why.
WARREN: Hmm.
[SIGHS]
What?! Gregory!
Oh, my God, you must have
grabbed my house keys
when I left them in
the teachers' lounge, so
And that would be
why my car didn't start.
Yes.
- Why'd you go to your car?
- Yeah.
JANINE: Jacob!
Um, he went to his car
because he left his keys in there.
So how did he get in his car?
- Shut up.
- Give it up.
I saw you two leave
the other day in the same car.
[STAFF "OOH" S] Well, y-you
know, I He was giving me a lift.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's all.
Then you came back
the next day together.
Well, that's because I-I saw
him walking and picked him up.
Then why did I see him take
a duffel bag out of your trunk?
Okay. I take duffel bags with me
everywhere all the time.
Of course you do.
Because everyone here knows
that you two
[STAFF MURMURING]
use the duffel bags
to carry around the drugs
you're selling.
'Cause you're selling drugs!
- Doing what?!
- No, no, no!
We are not selling drugs.
We're having sex.
JACOB: Yes! [STAFF EXCLAIMING]
MR. JOHNSON: This is
worse than I thought.
What people won't do for money.
Mm, mm, mm.
- MAN: Lord have mercy.
- Thanks.
This is a damn shame.
- JANINE: Maybe they didn't catch on.
- No, no, cat's out the bag.
Right. But what if we coax
the cat back into the bag?
Because we can call another meeting
and tell everyone that
it was a prank, right?
Janine, I-I've been trying not to worry,
but should I be worried?
Are you not into this, or?
Gregory, are you crazy?
Of course I'm into it. What?
Well, then, what's going on?
I mean, I get wanting to keep people
out of our business, which we can do,
but I think everyone's rooting for us.
And I'm not afraid of HR,
if that's what the
But maybe I am.
[SIGHS]
Look. Okay.
The last time I made
something "official"
it didn't work out.
And I
I really, really, really,
really want this to work out.
So, I guess I'm a little scared.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
But we're not your last time.
We're this time.
- Hey.
- Oh, yeah.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Let's tell the freaking world.
I'm ready. [LAUGHS]
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Well, you just did
- Yeah.
When you told everybody that we had sex.
- Right. They know.
- Yeah.
But, um, yeah. Let's make it official.
- Let's make it official.
- Let's make it official.
Okay. Right, but, okay.
Real quick This time,
let's keep the sex part out.
Just take the sex out.
Don't need to say that.
- We don't need it. We don't need it.
- Don't say sex.
Don't say sex, don't say sex,
don't say sex, don't say sex.
You could stop saying it right now.
You're saying sex walking into a school.
- Yeah.
- Not the best You know?
So he checked me out,
but he took like a half hour.
Would you please just sign out?
Hi, there. I'm Miles Nathaniel.
What are you, a Mormon?
Look at this guy.
Yeah. We're not interested.
Get lost, pal.
Yes, I'm saved. Thank you very much.
And God bless you.
Oh, no. I'm an attorney
with the fine folks
over at Girard Creek Golf Club.
I was just perusing the neighborhood.
Thought I'd pop in and say hi,
seeing as how
we're going to be neighbors.
Oh, I know what this is about.
We call the city, and now
you want to dance, pretty boy?
And I mean that as a compliment.
Your skin is fantastic.
You must be so rich.
Yeah. So you heard that we heard
that you're over there using
non-union workers,
and now you want to do damage control.
Your little construction project
has put quite a strain on our lives.
We got a white child now.
You want to get his parents involved?
Well, first of all,
allow me to apologize
for any inconveniences
we may have caused.
That's the opposite
of what we intend to do
for our community.
We really believe the golf
course can add a lot of value here.
And what value would that be?
Well, property value, for one thing.
That will go up, way up.
So, if you're a homeowner,
perhaps one who's looking to sell
and retire to, say,
a-a tropical island
Or Arizona.
I'm I'm partial to the desert myself.
Yeah, well, that's gonna feel real good
to the union workers not getting paid.
Please, uh, forgive us
for that oversight.
We're amending that as we speak.
We will be fully unionized by Monday.
We would be unionized by Saturday,
but, you know, unions.
Uh, look, I know how hard
it can be to work with the city,
so if you have any future problems
Oh.
What's that?
That's a $500 gift card.
Mm.
I would have settled for
$250, but this is classy.
Barb, you can have half.
- Mm.
- But what about me?
No, we are not on your team, okay?
Golf doesn't even have teams.
Sorry to interrupt.
I-I just remembered,
we have 15 new computers
that we're looking to donate.
Do you guys know anywhere
that could use them?
Well, we could we could use
No, wait.
You know what? Let's make it 20.
I think I saw a few extra
lying around the office.
Look, the golf course is going
to happen no matter what.
It can happen with computers
or without them.
Go ahead and shake
the man's hand, Jacob,
and recognize a blessing
when you see one.
Unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh,
unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh.
How about 25 computers and you
quit messing with the water?
Can't promise that, but
I can throw in
an ergonomic chair or two.
Oh! What y'all doing out there?
Taking bribes.
Alright.
Just don't let Warren see.
And get me something, too.
Proud of y'all.
So you're saying
I can't sell the jewelry
that the kids make on Etsy?
No, I'm saying it's illegal.
Child labor laws.
But is it really work
if they love what they do?
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[SIGHS]
Oh. Please have a seat.
Okay, um,
I guess I'll just jump right in.
So, it all started when Gregory
first got to the school
and I gave him a tour.
Um, I thought,
"This is somebody I could get to know."
And then I thought, "Maybe
a friendship with this guy."
And then I thought, "He's kind of cute,
but he's my colleague."
So, you know, at this point,
you would think I would
go forward in the story,
but I actually probably
need to go back a few years,
um, to 11th grade,
when I finally hit puberty.
WARREN: Hm!
What is your relationship status?
Uh
He's my boyfriend.
And she's my girlfriend.
Great. All done.
That's it?
AVA: That's it.
I mean, there's no power
imbalance here, so it's super easy.
I just needed to record it.
Good luck to the both of you.
Hopefully she doesn't leave you
like she left the district.
[CHUCKLES] Uh-huh.
I'm happy for y'all. Truly.
I just wanted you guys to be
smart about this.
But, now you're both safe,
and more importantly, so am I.
- Thank you, Ava.
- Thanks, Ava.
You're welcome.
Gregory
our situationship is over.
- Why
- Just let her have it.
Yeah. Okay.
[WHISPERS] Let's go.
So, in conclusion,
and as you can clearly see,
he's a scumbag.
That has to be an HR violation.
Well, there's worse things
I could call you, buddy.
You two just need to grow up.
You can leave now.
[SIGHS]
Next.
Okay. I don't even know why I'm here.
Oh, she knows why we're here.
This is an open-and-shut case.
These are all the takeout menus
I gave you.
Uh-huh.
And those were suggestions
that we should go out to dinner.
[SCOFFS] I can read between
the lines. You're sick.
- Write that down.
- Yeah, on it.