All In The Family s04e01 Episode Script
We're Having a Heat Wave
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days The weather's gone nuts, Ma.
A whole summer of rain and now in September it decides to get hot.
It's lucky Mrs.
Wiedermeyer moved away.
She used to be bothered something awful by the heat in Queens.
Where'd she move to, Ma? To the Bronx.
[MEN SHOUTING ANGRILY.]
Will you get the hell away from me? Walk away.
Go ahead! Will you look at this? A day like today, hot, and this guy's jumping all over me about Watergate.
Listen, I'm up to here with Watergate.
I'm drowning in Watergate.
Archie, the whole country's drowning in Watergate.
Well, when are you gonna go under for the third time? Let me tell you something, I want you to lay off President Nixon, huh? In this country, we don't kick a man when he's down.
Archie, it's not Nixon who is down! Remember what he said? He's not wallowing in Watergate.
It's the country that's down.
I've still got faith in Nixon.
Which one? What do you mean, which one? The Nixon who knew why we should be in Vietnam? Yes.
Who knew all the reasons to be friends with Russia and China? Yes.
Who knew all the secret reasons we had to keep bombing Cambodia? Yeah, damn right! The Nixon who didn't know a single thing about Watergate? Watergate again! Will you tell this guy that if I hear Watergate one more time I'm gonna go nuts! Mike, if Archie hears Watergate one more time he's gonna go nuts! I just told him that, you dingbat! Now, I need a pen.
Just go get me a pen.
Yeah.
[BELCHES.]
Thanks.
Stay away from me.
Just stay away from me.
I don't want to be arguing with no guy who's got a lamb chop for a brain.
Here.
Oh, Edith, it's so hot in this house.
Can't you close the windows and the door and turn on the air conditioner? Oh, no.
We can't do that.
The mayor was on the radio, asking everybody to switch off everything electric.
Why did he say that? I didn't wait to hear why.
I switched off the radio.
Ohhh.
It's because we have to conserve energy, Daddy.
Otherwise there's gonna be another brownout.
Well, if I don't get some air, I'm gonna brown out.
I'll turn the thing on myself.
No, Daddy, don't.
Daddy I'm turning it on-- As good citizens, we all have to cooperate.
Oh, I suppose you think that good citizen Barney Hefner's got his air conditioner turned off.
I suppose you think that all good citizens in this block got their air conditioners off.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Good, then turning ours on won't do no harm.
Get out of there.
Oh, Dad-- I'm gonna turn it on.
Right here.
Oh, jeez! [SQUEALS.]
Great work, Arch.
You made your own power cut.
Would you like me to call a repairman? No, Edith, that's the worst thing you can do on a hot day is call the repairman.
He's got you over a barrel where he can pick your pocket.
Arch, I've got a great idea.
Why don't you hire one of Nixon's plumbers? I told you-- Mike-- I told you-- They flushed 200 years of democracy down the drain just because-- Archie don't want to hear that word.
This country's practically a police state-- Archie don't want to hear Watergate! Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right, Edith.
That's all right.
Your main trouble is that your tongue is always racing with your brain and your brain always loses.
And your main trouble is your brain is so closed a new idea couldn't break in, even if it had the help of Hunt and Liddy.
I am tuning you out, Meathead, because I've got something important here to read and to sign and I've got to consecrate on that.
Just tell me one thing.
Just tell me one thing, Archie.
Do you think Nixon knew about Watergate and the cover-up? I'm busy.
Just tell me.
Do you think he knew? I'm busy.
Say yes or no.
I am B-U-Z-Y, busy! Now get away from me.
Don't say no more to me.
I don't want to hear another word out of either one of youse.
Not one word.
How am I gonna tell you when lunch is ready? You won't have to tell me, Edith.
I'll know when it's ready because I'll see the meathead racing for the table.
Now, please, huh, leave me alone.
Give me air.
Give me air! BOTH: "Whereas we got our fair share of coloreds in this street--" Get out of here.
EDITH: What? That's a petition! It ain't a petition.
It's a letter from people who live in this street.
To who? To some people that we don't want living in this street.
Oh, Arch, what do you want to start this thing up for again? Oh, Daddy, isn't it a little late? The Jeffersons have been living here for over two years.
This letter ain't got nothing to do with the Jeffersons.
This has got to do with what is coming in next door.
Do you mean somebody's buying the Wiedermeyer house? Somebody wants to buy it, Edith.
But this time we're gonna strike before the iron gets hot, see? What are you talking about? I'm talking about that real estate guy, Joe Braddock, who comes up to me and says that I ought to be proud because there's a minorority living in the street here.
So I says, "Sure.
I'm proud.
" He says, "That's good, because another minorority has just put a deposit on the Wiedermeyer joint.
" Well, that's terrific.
Oh, "That's terrific.
" Terrific.
Everything's terrific if it's a minorority with her.
She'd be happy with a Hindu and a goat.
Oh, yeah.
It'll be nice to have neighbors again.
What do you mean "nice," Edith? Don't you see what this is? Braddock was telling me that another bunch of coloreds is coming on the street.
Don't you see where that leaves us? Between the Jeffersons on this side an the new coloreds over here, we'll be sandwiched in between like a white-meat turkey on pumpernickel.
You know, you really are paranoid.
I ain't paranoid.
Why are youse all against me? Daddy Daddy, didn't the Jeffersons teach you anything? You were against them when they moved in, but nothing happened.
The sky didn't fall down.
Well, because the Jeffersons are different.
How are the Jeffersons different? Because one colored family is a novelty and two is a ghetto.
What?! What?! Daddy! Are you really gonna take that petition around? I told you this ain't a petition.
This is a letter that McNab wrote and he gave it to me.
I'm supposed to sign it and pass it along.
You know something, I swear I think you do these things sometimes just to eat my heart out.
And that's what you do, you know.
Little by little, piece by piece, you eat my heart out.
I don't care.
Well, you're not gonna get away with this.
What are you gonna do? This.
Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Don't say that no more! Goddamn it! Ohh! What happened to you? You shouldn't swear like that.
I shouldn't swear-- You shouldn't swear like that, Arch.
I didn't swear.
You swore.
I did not.
I did not.
Ever since this Watergate thing, it's G-D this and G-D that.
That ain't swearing, Edith, G-D.
The first word there is "God," ain't it? How can that be a swear word, the most popular word in the Bible? The second word, that's "damn.
" That's a perfectly good word.
You hear that all the time, like they dam the river to keep it from flooding, see? And even in the Bible you read where some guy is damned for cheating or stealing or committing insects in the family.
And who damned them? Who else? God! God damned him.
Edith, beautiful words right out of the holy book.
Don't show your ignorance.
Bunker! Bunker, I want a word with you.
Don't bother to try to hide the evidence.
I know what you're up to and I want that letter that McNab is passing around! What letter? Well, maybe he means this letter.
Get out of here, will you? Now, listen, Jefferson, I ain't got no argument with you.
Come on, don't cop out to me.
I know that you don't want any more blacks in this street.
I never said that.
You don't have to.
You're always against any improvements on the block! Listen, this whole thing with this letter, it's a matter of economics, see? Remember, I'm on your side in this.
Oh, now you've really got me worried.
Listen, think intelligent, huh? If the value of my property goes down, the same thing happens to your property.
If you don't want that to happen, then you're gonna join the rest of us neighbors on the block and sign this.
I wouldn't sign that piece of paper if I was the last black man on earth, let alone on this block! ARCHIE: Jefferson, this is for your own good! [HISPANIC ACCENT.]
Excuse me.
ARCHIE: Oh, hold on.
Hold on.
Uh, Edith, Edith, get over here.
What is this? How do you do? Can I help you? Yes, I am Alfredo Estrada and this is my wife, Maria.
Oh, I'm Edith Bunker and this is my husband, Archie.
Come on, Edith, just tell them that we ain't buying, no matter what they're selling.
Oh, no, señor, we are not selling, we are buying.
The house, number 702.
You're what? The Wiedermeyer house? That's terrific! Hey, great! Welcome! [MOCKING.]
"Terrific! Welcome!" Why don't youse two move to Calcutta! You see, we are supposed to meet the real estate agent here this morning, but he don't call yet and we don't have the key.
They're Puerto Rican! No, they're Swedes! Ah, and it is especially nice to see you here, Mr.
, uh Jefferson.
Yes, very nice to see you here in the house of your friends.
The white family.
And I'm very glad to be your new neighbor.
Hey, Bunker.
What? Do you mind if I see that letter again? I can't believe it! I can't believe it! The two of you scheming all week together.
Ah, what are you kicking about? Ain't you and your wife always telling me that coloreds and whites ought to work together? Not to stop Puerto Ricans from moving next door! We'll do anything to protect our property on this street.
So you lied about the condition of the Weidermeyer house? I didn't lie about nothing.
That's right, he didn't lie.
He just told him he wouldn't buy a house that was riddled with termites.
Which is the God's honest truth.
That house doesn't have termites.
I didn't say it did.
Well, what did you say? I said I wouldn't buy a house that was riddled with termites.
Boy, that's some kinda truth.
You know, you ought to be working for the White House.
Will you get off of that? The only mistake the White House made was just hiring a couple of screwups.
A couple of screwups? That's right, they should've hired Japs instead of all them Krauts.
Wait a second.
What?! Because the Japs are better than the Krauts at electronics.
And if the Japs get caught, they do the right thing, they kill themselves.
What are you and Henry Jefferson gonna do when you get caught? What do you mean, "get caught"? We ain't doing nothing crooked.
[MICHAEL LAUGHING.]
Oh, no? While the Estradas are thinking it over, you and Henry are trying to find somebody else to buy the house.
You don't call that crooked? No! That's looking out for number one.
Where does that place Henry Jefferson? He's number two.
Why is he number two? Because, Meathead, there can only be one number one and one number two and life made Jefferson number two long before I come along.
I suppose that the Puerto Ricans are number three, then, huh? Well, no, not necessarily there, little girl.
Your Puerto Ricans could be four.
Your Japs and your Chins could be three.
Crazy! He makes me crazy! Hey, Bunker.
Hiya there, Jefferson.
How are you? Glad to see you.
Look at them over there, birds of a feather who cheat Puerto Ricans together.
Excuse me, Jefferson.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
What did you find out? Well, Bunker, we're off the hook.
Braddock sold the house and the Puerto Ricans are out of it.
Hey, that's great news, that's great news.
Look at this, it's Nixon and Brezhnev all over again.
Shut up, huh.
Mr.
Jefferson, I just can't tell you how surprised I am at the way you're behaving.
Don't pay no attention to her.
Edith! EDITH: Yes! I'm sorry you feel that way, Gloria, but in this world a man's gotta look out for number one.
Right.
I thought you were number one, Arch.
Oh, that's only when a black man ain't around, right, Bunker? No.
No.
Like I always say, Jefferson, I mean, what's in a number, huh? Yeah, Archie? Oh, hello, Mr.
Jefferson.
Hi, Edith.
Sit down.
Sit down, Henry.
Bring a couple of beers, huh? Right away.
I hope you know there's such a thing as a Fair Housing Commission in this state.
Yeah, Mr.
Jefferson.
They're the ones who helped you get your house.
Well, that was fair.
That was fair.
Wait a second.
What are you saying, it's not fair for other people to get their houses that way? No.
No.
Nobody said that.
All we're saying is Puerto Ricans ought to stay in Puerto Rico.
We don't go to their country to live.
Why should they come to ours? Puerto Rico is part of this country.
No, no, no.
It ain't a state.
They have commonwealth status.
I bet they probably ain't vaccinated for that.
Daddy, no, it means that they are citizens.
They have a right to move from one part of this country to another just like anybody else.
No.
I say no.
Would you say that to a guy who came from Texas? If he's a Puerto Rican, yeah.
Oh, God! Hopeless, hopeless! Here you are.
Here we are.
There you are, Henry.
Thanks.
Hey, good news, Edie.
Good news.
The Weidermeyer place is sold and to Americans.
The Estradas are Americans too.
Sure.
But they've got to stand in line like my people had to.
That's right, and many's the time I've seen your people standing in line, Jefferson, and it was heartbreaking.
Hey, let's have a toast to our success.
Here, huh, what do you say? To us, huh? Archie, to us.
Just us, Edith.
Boy, I never thought I'd see the day when you'd be happy to have another white family on the block.
White? Who says they're white? Are they black? No.
I forgot to ask the real estate agent.
I don't know if they're black or white.
They could be Puerto Rican.
Holy cow, did you hear that? Jefferson, you'd better go to Braddock and find out right away.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
Hurry up there, Jefferson.
Look at that.
You can't trust them people.
Henry wouldn't lie.
How can you tell? They never blush or go pale or nothing.
Yeah.
I'd like the number of the Fair Housing Commission, please.
What are you doing? I'm not gonna let you get away with this.
The Estradas had a deposit on that home first.
Put down that phone.
Don't tell me-- [ALL ARGUING.]
ARCHIE: Give me that phone.
Give me that phone.
Give me that-- Give me that phone! Yah hah hah.
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, look what you've done! Hello, there.
Hello, there.
Can I help you? Well, you're not gonna believe this, but I was gonna ask to use your phone.
It's a good thing you didn't, because it just broke.
She can see that, Edith, you know, huh? Look out.
Get out of there, Meathead.
I've gotta fix the phone now.
Gotta get this wire here to go into this wire in here, look.
Would you like me to fix that for you? Come on, lady, I ain't got time to fool around.
Who's fooling around? I can fix it.
You fix phones? I can fix anything.
Look at this.
Josephine the plumber.
Archie, maybe she could fix our air conditioner.
Edith, fixing air conditioners and telephones is men's work.
Well, why don't I just watch you do it? Maybe I can learn something.
Oh, you wouldn't, because Archie can't do things.
Will you stifle yourself? Oh, he can do some things.
You mean like pulling the phone apart? Yeah, he can do that.
Will you, Edith, huh? But he won't be able to put it together again.
Watch, you'll see.
How can I put anything together with the two of youse breathing down my neck and 110 in the shade out there and you shooting your mouth off about me to a total stranger? Oh, I won't be a stranger for long.
I'm Irene Lorenzo.
My husband and I are buying the house next door.
You're our new neighbor.
IRENE: Yes.
Hey, look at this, you're white.
Do we get points for that? Well, we're the Bunkers and this is our daughter, Gloria, and her husband, Michael Stivic.
Mrs.
Lorenzo, I don't know if you know this but another family already put a deposit down on that house.
Hey, shut up.
They did not.
They did too.
They did not.
They did too.
They did not! They didn't! Who are you gonna listen to, lady, him or me? Why do I feel that my life is at stake if I say him? MAN: Irene! In here, Frank.
In here.
Ice cream for you Hello, everybody.
May I come in? EDITH: Oh, sure.
Frank-- This is my husband, Frank.
And these are the Stivics and the Bunkers.
FRANK: How do you do? Here's your ice cream, Irene.
Not now, Frank.
I think we've got problems with the house.
What kind of problems? Mr.
Lorenzo, I'm not sure that the house next door legally belongs to you.
Will you shut your mouth? Don't pay any attention to anything this guy says.
He don't even work.
Whoa.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about? I put a deposit down on that house.
You don't have all the facts, Frank.
I'm not gonna move out of that house.
You don't have all the facts.
We're staying in that house.
You don't have all the facts, Frank.
I don't think I have all the facts.
Now, don't get excited, but if it's true, another family had a deposit on the house first.
Well, wait a minute, lady.
What about your own husband here? He put a deposit too.
I don't think we can move in, Frank.
It just wouldn't be the Christian thing to do.
What are you talking about? It would be the most Christian thing you done in your life.
I can prove it to you by the Bible.
All we're trying to do on this block is separate the white from the chaff.
Wait a minute.
Young fella, you'd better have some proof before you tell me that that house next door ain't mine.
Irene and I weren't born yesterday, you know.
We know people, and speaking for myself, I know what a good Christian is.
Isn't he wonderful when he's passionate? Irene, it has nothing to do with being passionate.
It's a question of looking out for number one.
You sure you're number one? Get out of here! Listen, I wanna welcome youse two people to the neighborhood and to the block.
Well, Archie, if they're welcome now, maybe Mrs.
Lorenzo would fix our phone.
Oh, yeah, you wanted to fool around with the phone before.
Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Try and fix it.
She can fix nothing.
She can fix the phone.
Huh? She can fix anything.
Huh.
Where did you get this lovely toolkit? It was a door prize at one of Frank's sales conventions, a toolkit and a set of cookware.
I kept the cookware.
Teflon.
She kept the tools and you kept the cookware? Frank is one of the best cooks you'll ever run into.
Oh, I get it.
You work in a restaurant, huh? No.
I'm just mad about cooking.
Oh.
Yeah.
I think I've seen guys like you.
Hey, Bunker, I got the news you wanted to hear.
Braddock just told me, your new neighbors, they're white.
That seems to impress everyone around here.
Yeah, white, white, white.
Look at them, white.
Well, Mr.
Braddock's waiting for you next door.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, Bunker, you got what you wanted.
Correction, you both got what you wanted, but now the Estradas are out in the cold.
No, they got what they wanted too.
Braddock sold them a house over on the next block.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You mean to tell me that louse Braddock sold them Puerto Ricans a house in this neighborhood? Yeah.
A bigger house for the same money.
Bye.
That's great! That's great! Archie, ain't that nice? Ain't that nice? You'll see how nice it is when the whole neighborhood's turned into a smelting pot! And it's all the fault of that guy Joe Braddock.
Oh, I know him, a typical out-for-himself Irish Mick.
You don't like the Irish? They're all right when they ain't mumbling over their beads or boozing it up.
I happen to be Irish.
Huh? I don't like what you just said.
I don't like it either.
I mumble over my beads too.
I'm Italian.
Oh, jeez, I mean, I couldn't tell.
Irish and Italian.
Look what we got here, Edith, a mixed marriage.
Not mixed.
We're both Catholics.
Look, your phone's fixed.
Frank, I think we'd better go.
Don't run away.
Edith's gonna put coffee and cake on the table.
Get it, get it, get it.
I'm sorry, but you know us Irish Catholics.
I've gotta go have a few drinks and then rush right off to confession.
Oh, what do you mean "rush"? Where's the rush? There's one confession that can't wait.
Oh, come on, a nice lady like you, what would you have to confess? What I'm thinking about you.
[LAUGHING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
She fixed it! You said she couldn't do it! Oh, Archie, she fixed the phone, ain't that--? Shut up, huh? You said she couldn't do it.
Hello.
No.
No, you dumbbell, no.
She really fixed it.
Ain't that wonderful? What's wonderful? That was a wrong number.
Oh, my, I thought it would cool off at night.
Oh, Edith, look at the cards you've been dealing me.
Jeez, this ain't a hand, it's a foot.
Of all the lousy-- Archie, no swearing.
Remember, you promised.
No more G-D.
Who said G-D? You did.
I promised you never no more.
Come on, play cards.
Do you want the 10 of diamonds? No.
All right, I'll take it and I'll throw you the queen.
FRANK: We're having a heat wave A tropical heat wave What is that? It's We're having a heat wave A tropical heat wave I don't want stereo, Edith.
Come on, play the game.
You want the queen? Yeah.
Gin.
Oh, gee! Hey! Hey, Lorenzo! Will you cut that racket out over there? We're playing cards here.
You just made me blow a hand.
FRANK: Luck, be a lady tonight Luck, be a lady tonight [.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
A whole summer of rain and now in September it decides to get hot.
It's lucky Mrs.
Wiedermeyer moved away.
She used to be bothered something awful by the heat in Queens.
Where'd she move to, Ma? To the Bronx.
[MEN SHOUTING ANGRILY.]
Will you get the hell away from me? Walk away.
Go ahead! Will you look at this? A day like today, hot, and this guy's jumping all over me about Watergate.
Listen, I'm up to here with Watergate.
I'm drowning in Watergate.
Archie, the whole country's drowning in Watergate.
Well, when are you gonna go under for the third time? Let me tell you something, I want you to lay off President Nixon, huh? In this country, we don't kick a man when he's down.
Archie, it's not Nixon who is down! Remember what he said? He's not wallowing in Watergate.
It's the country that's down.
I've still got faith in Nixon.
Which one? What do you mean, which one? The Nixon who knew why we should be in Vietnam? Yes.
Who knew all the reasons to be friends with Russia and China? Yes.
Who knew all the secret reasons we had to keep bombing Cambodia? Yeah, damn right! The Nixon who didn't know a single thing about Watergate? Watergate again! Will you tell this guy that if I hear Watergate one more time I'm gonna go nuts! Mike, if Archie hears Watergate one more time he's gonna go nuts! I just told him that, you dingbat! Now, I need a pen.
Just go get me a pen.
Yeah.
[BELCHES.]
Thanks.
Stay away from me.
Just stay away from me.
I don't want to be arguing with no guy who's got a lamb chop for a brain.
Here.
Oh, Edith, it's so hot in this house.
Can't you close the windows and the door and turn on the air conditioner? Oh, no.
We can't do that.
The mayor was on the radio, asking everybody to switch off everything electric.
Why did he say that? I didn't wait to hear why.
I switched off the radio.
Ohhh.
It's because we have to conserve energy, Daddy.
Otherwise there's gonna be another brownout.
Well, if I don't get some air, I'm gonna brown out.
I'll turn the thing on myself.
No, Daddy, don't.
Daddy I'm turning it on-- As good citizens, we all have to cooperate.
Oh, I suppose you think that good citizen Barney Hefner's got his air conditioner turned off.
I suppose you think that all good citizens in this block got their air conditioners off.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Good, then turning ours on won't do no harm.
Get out of there.
Oh, Dad-- I'm gonna turn it on.
Right here.
Oh, jeez! [SQUEALS.]
Great work, Arch.
You made your own power cut.
Would you like me to call a repairman? No, Edith, that's the worst thing you can do on a hot day is call the repairman.
He's got you over a barrel where he can pick your pocket.
Arch, I've got a great idea.
Why don't you hire one of Nixon's plumbers? I told you-- Mike-- I told you-- They flushed 200 years of democracy down the drain just because-- Archie don't want to hear that word.
This country's practically a police state-- Archie don't want to hear Watergate! Oh! I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right, Edith.
That's all right.
Your main trouble is that your tongue is always racing with your brain and your brain always loses.
And your main trouble is your brain is so closed a new idea couldn't break in, even if it had the help of Hunt and Liddy.
I am tuning you out, Meathead, because I've got something important here to read and to sign and I've got to consecrate on that.
Just tell me one thing.
Just tell me one thing, Archie.
Do you think Nixon knew about Watergate and the cover-up? I'm busy.
Just tell me.
Do you think he knew? I'm busy.
Say yes or no.
I am B-U-Z-Y, busy! Now get away from me.
Don't say no more to me.
I don't want to hear another word out of either one of youse.
Not one word.
How am I gonna tell you when lunch is ready? You won't have to tell me, Edith.
I'll know when it's ready because I'll see the meathead racing for the table.
Now, please, huh, leave me alone.
Give me air.
Give me air! BOTH: "Whereas we got our fair share of coloreds in this street--" Get out of here.
EDITH: What? That's a petition! It ain't a petition.
It's a letter from people who live in this street.
To who? To some people that we don't want living in this street.
Oh, Arch, what do you want to start this thing up for again? Oh, Daddy, isn't it a little late? The Jeffersons have been living here for over two years.
This letter ain't got nothing to do with the Jeffersons.
This has got to do with what is coming in next door.
Do you mean somebody's buying the Wiedermeyer house? Somebody wants to buy it, Edith.
But this time we're gonna strike before the iron gets hot, see? What are you talking about? I'm talking about that real estate guy, Joe Braddock, who comes up to me and says that I ought to be proud because there's a minorority living in the street here.
So I says, "Sure.
I'm proud.
" He says, "That's good, because another minorority has just put a deposit on the Wiedermeyer joint.
" Well, that's terrific.
Oh, "That's terrific.
" Terrific.
Everything's terrific if it's a minorority with her.
She'd be happy with a Hindu and a goat.
Oh, yeah.
It'll be nice to have neighbors again.
What do you mean "nice," Edith? Don't you see what this is? Braddock was telling me that another bunch of coloreds is coming on the street.
Don't you see where that leaves us? Between the Jeffersons on this side an the new coloreds over here, we'll be sandwiched in between like a white-meat turkey on pumpernickel.
You know, you really are paranoid.
I ain't paranoid.
Why are youse all against me? Daddy Daddy, didn't the Jeffersons teach you anything? You were against them when they moved in, but nothing happened.
The sky didn't fall down.
Well, because the Jeffersons are different.
How are the Jeffersons different? Because one colored family is a novelty and two is a ghetto.
What?! What?! Daddy! Are you really gonna take that petition around? I told you this ain't a petition.
This is a letter that McNab wrote and he gave it to me.
I'm supposed to sign it and pass it along.
You know something, I swear I think you do these things sometimes just to eat my heart out.
And that's what you do, you know.
Little by little, piece by piece, you eat my heart out.
I don't care.
Well, you're not gonna get away with this.
What are you gonna do? This.
Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Watergate! Don't say that no more! Goddamn it! Ohh! What happened to you? You shouldn't swear like that.
I shouldn't swear-- You shouldn't swear like that, Arch.
I didn't swear.
You swore.
I did not.
I did not.
Ever since this Watergate thing, it's G-D this and G-D that.
That ain't swearing, Edith, G-D.
The first word there is "God," ain't it? How can that be a swear word, the most popular word in the Bible? The second word, that's "damn.
" That's a perfectly good word.
You hear that all the time, like they dam the river to keep it from flooding, see? And even in the Bible you read where some guy is damned for cheating or stealing or committing insects in the family.
And who damned them? Who else? God! God damned him.
Edith, beautiful words right out of the holy book.
Don't show your ignorance.
Bunker! Bunker, I want a word with you.
Don't bother to try to hide the evidence.
I know what you're up to and I want that letter that McNab is passing around! What letter? Well, maybe he means this letter.
Get out of here, will you? Now, listen, Jefferson, I ain't got no argument with you.
Come on, don't cop out to me.
I know that you don't want any more blacks in this street.
I never said that.
You don't have to.
You're always against any improvements on the block! Listen, this whole thing with this letter, it's a matter of economics, see? Remember, I'm on your side in this.
Oh, now you've really got me worried.
Listen, think intelligent, huh? If the value of my property goes down, the same thing happens to your property.
If you don't want that to happen, then you're gonna join the rest of us neighbors on the block and sign this.
I wouldn't sign that piece of paper if I was the last black man on earth, let alone on this block! ARCHIE: Jefferson, this is for your own good! [HISPANIC ACCENT.]
Excuse me.
ARCHIE: Oh, hold on.
Hold on.
Uh, Edith, Edith, get over here.
What is this? How do you do? Can I help you? Yes, I am Alfredo Estrada and this is my wife, Maria.
Oh, I'm Edith Bunker and this is my husband, Archie.
Come on, Edith, just tell them that we ain't buying, no matter what they're selling.
Oh, no, señor, we are not selling, we are buying.
The house, number 702.
You're what? The Wiedermeyer house? That's terrific! Hey, great! Welcome! [MOCKING.]
"Terrific! Welcome!" Why don't youse two move to Calcutta! You see, we are supposed to meet the real estate agent here this morning, but he don't call yet and we don't have the key.
They're Puerto Rican! No, they're Swedes! Ah, and it is especially nice to see you here, Mr.
, uh Jefferson.
Yes, very nice to see you here in the house of your friends.
The white family.
And I'm very glad to be your new neighbor.
Hey, Bunker.
What? Do you mind if I see that letter again? I can't believe it! I can't believe it! The two of you scheming all week together.
Ah, what are you kicking about? Ain't you and your wife always telling me that coloreds and whites ought to work together? Not to stop Puerto Ricans from moving next door! We'll do anything to protect our property on this street.
So you lied about the condition of the Weidermeyer house? I didn't lie about nothing.
That's right, he didn't lie.
He just told him he wouldn't buy a house that was riddled with termites.
Which is the God's honest truth.
That house doesn't have termites.
I didn't say it did.
Well, what did you say? I said I wouldn't buy a house that was riddled with termites.
Boy, that's some kinda truth.
You know, you ought to be working for the White House.
Will you get off of that? The only mistake the White House made was just hiring a couple of screwups.
A couple of screwups? That's right, they should've hired Japs instead of all them Krauts.
Wait a second.
What?! Because the Japs are better than the Krauts at electronics.
And if the Japs get caught, they do the right thing, they kill themselves.
What are you and Henry Jefferson gonna do when you get caught? What do you mean, "get caught"? We ain't doing nothing crooked.
[MICHAEL LAUGHING.]
Oh, no? While the Estradas are thinking it over, you and Henry are trying to find somebody else to buy the house.
You don't call that crooked? No! That's looking out for number one.
Where does that place Henry Jefferson? He's number two.
Why is he number two? Because, Meathead, there can only be one number one and one number two and life made Jefferson number two long before I come along.
I suppose that the Puerto Ricans are number three, then, huh? Well, no, not necessarily there, little girl.
Your Puerto Ricans could be four.
Your Japs and your Chins could be three.
Crazy! He makes me crazy! Hey, Bunker.
Hiya there, Jefferson.
How are you? Glad to see you.
Look at them over there, birds of a feather who cheat Puerto Ricans together.
Excuse me, Jefferson.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
What did you find out? Well, Bunker, we're off the hook.
Braddock sold the house and the Puerto Ricans are out of it.
Hey, that's great news, that's great news.
Look at this, it's Nixon and Brezhnev all over again.
Shut up, huh.
Mr.
Jefferson, I just can't tell you how surprised I am at the way you're behaving.
Don't pay no attention to her.
Edith! EDITH: Yes! I'm sorry you feel that way, Gloria, but in this world a man's gotta look out for number one.
Right.
I thought you were number one, Arch.
Oh, that's only when a black man ain't around, right, Bunker? No.
No.
Like I always say, Jefferson, I mean, what's in a number, huh? Yeah, Archie? Oh, hello, Mr.
Jefferson.
Hi, Edith.
Sit down.
Sit down, Henry.
Bring a couple of beers, huh? Right away.
I hope you know there's such a thing as a Fair Housing Commission in this state.
Yeah, Mr.
Jefferson.
They're the ones who helped you get your house.
Well, that was fair.
That was fair.
Wait a second.
What are you saying, it's not fair for other people to get their houses that way? No.
No.
Nobody said that.
All we're saying is Puerto Ricans ought to stay in Puerto Rico.
We don't go to their country to live.
Why should they come to ours? Puerto Rico is part of this country.
No, no, no.
It ain't a state.
They have commonwealth status.
I bet they probably ain't vaccinated for that.
Daddy, no, it means that they are citizens.
They have a right to move from one part of this country to another just like anybody else.
No.
I say no.
Would you say that to a guy who came from Texas? If he's a Puerto Rican, yeah.
Oh, God! Hopeless, hopeless! Here you are.
Here we are.
There you are, Henry.
Thanks.
Hey, good news, Edie.
Good news.
The Weidermeyer place is sold and to Americans.
The Estradas are Americans too.
Sure.
But they've got to stand in line like my people had to.
That's right, and many's the time I've seen your people standing in line, Jefferson, and it was heartbreaking.
Hey, let's have a toast to our success.
Here, huh, what do you say? To us, huh? Archie, to us.
Just us, Edith.
Boy, I never thought I'd see the day when you'd be happy to have another white family on the block.
White? Who says they're white? Are they black? No.
I forgot to ask the real estate agent.
I don't know if they're black or white.
They could be Puerto Rican.
Holy cow, did you hear that? Jefferson, you'd better go to Braddock and find out right away.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
Hurry up there, Jefferson.
Look at that.
You can't trust them people.
Henry wouldn't lie.
How can you tell? They never blush or go pale or nothing.
Yeah.
I'd like the number of the Fair Housing Commission, please.
What are you doing? I'm not gonna let you get away with this.
The Estradas had a deposit on that home first.
Put down that phone.
Don't tell me-- [ALL ARGUING.]
ARCHIE: Give me that phone.
Give me that phone.
Give me that-- Give me that phone! Yah hah hah.
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, look what you've done! Hello, there.
Hello, there.
Can I help you? Well, you're not gonna believe this, but I was gonna ask to use your phone.
It's a good thing you didn't, because it just broke.
She can see that, Edith, you know, huh? Look out.
Get out of there, Meathead.
I've gotta fix the phone now.
Gotta get this wire here to go into this wire in here, look.
Would you like me to fix that for you? Come on, lady, I ain't got time to fool around.
Who's fooling around? I can fix it.
You fix phones? I can fix anything.
Look at this.
Josephine the plumber.
Archie, maybe she could fix our air conditioner.
Edith, fixing air conditioners and telephones is men's work.
Well, why don't I just watch you do it? Maybe I can learn something.
Oh, you wouldn't, because Archie can't do things.
Will you stifle yourself? Oh, he can do some things.
You mean like pulling the phone apart? Yeah, he can do that.
Will you, Edith, huh? But he won't be able to put it together again.
Watch, you'll see.
How can I put anything together with the two of youse breathing down my neck and 110 in the shade out there and you shooting your mouth off about me to a total stranger? Oh, I won't be a stranger for long.
I'm Irene Lorenzo.
My husband and I are buying the house next door.
You're our new neighbor.
IRENE: Yes.
Hey, look at this, you're white.
Do we get points for that? Well, we're the Bunkers and this is our daughter, Gloria, and her husband, Michael Stivic.
Mrs.
Lorenzo, I don't know if you know this but another family already put a deposit down on that house.
Hey, shut up.
They did not.
They did too.
They did not.
They did too.
They did not! They didn't! Who are you gonna listen to, lady, him or me? Why do I feel that my life is at stake if I say him? MAN: Irene! In here, Frank.
In here.
Ice cream for you Hello, everybody.
May I come in? EDITH: Oh, sure.
Frank-- This is my husband, Frank.
And these are the Stivics and the Bunkers.
FRANK: How do you do? Here's your ice cream, Irene.
Not now, Frank.
I think we've got problems with the house.
What kind of problems? Mr.
Lorenzo, I'm not sure that the house next door legally belongs to you.
Will you shut your mouth? Don't pay any attention to anything this guy says.
He don't even work.
Whoa.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about? I put a deposit down on that house.
You don't have all the facts, Frank.
I'm not gonna move out of that house.
You don't have all the facts.
We're staying in that house.
You don't have all the facts, Frank.
I don't think I have all the facts.
Now, don't get excited, but if it's true, another family had a deposit on the house first.
Well, wait a minute, lady.
What about your own husband here? He put a deposit too.
I don't think we can move in, Frank.
It just wouldn't be the Christian thing to do.
What are you talking about? It would be the most Christian thing you done in your life.
I can prove it to you by the Bible.
All we're trying to do on this block is separate the white from the chaff.
Wait a minute.
Young fella, you'd better have some proof before you tell me that that house next door ain't mine.
Irene and I weren't born yesterday, you know.
We know people, and speaking for myself, I know what a good Christian is.
Isn't he wonderful when he's passionate? Irene, it has nothing to do with being passionate.
It's a question of looking out for number one.
You sure you're number one? Get out of here! Listen, I wanna welcome youse two people to the neighborhood and to the block.
Well, Archie, if they're welcome now, maybe Mrs.
Lorenzo would fix our phone.
Oh, yeah, you wanted to fool around with the phone before.
Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Try and fix it.
She can fix nothing.
She can fix the phone.
Huh? She can fix anything.
Huh.
Where did you get this lovely toolkit? It was a door prize at one of Frank's sales conventions, a toolkit and a set of cookware.
I kept the cookware.
Teflon.
She kept the tools and you kept the cookware? Frank is one of the best cooks you'll ever run into.
Oh, I get it.
You work in a restaurant, huh? No.
I'm just mad about cooking.
Oh.
Yeah.
I think I've seen guys like you.
Hey, Bunker, I got the news you wanted to hear.
Braddock just told me, your new neighbors, they're white.
That seems to impress everyone around here.
Yeah, white, white, white.
Look at them, white.
Well, Mr.
Braddock's waiting for you next door.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, Bunker, you got what you wanted.
Correction, you both got what you wanted, but now the Estradas are out in the cold.
No, they got what they wanted too.
Braddock sold them a house over on the next block.
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You mean to tell me that louse Braddock sold them Puerto Ricans a house in this neighborhood? Yeah.
A bigger house for the same money.
Bye.
That's great! That's great! Archie, ain't that nice? Ain't that nice? You'll see how nice it is when the whole neighborhood's turned into a smelting pot! And it's all the fault of that guy Joe Braddock.
Oh, I know him, a typical out-for-himself Irish Mick.
You don't like the Irish? They're all right when they ain't mumbling over their beads or boozing it up.
I happen to be Irish.
Huh? I don't like what you just said.
I don't like it either.
I mumble over my beads too.
I'm Italian.
Oh, jeez, I mean, I couldn't tell.
Irish and Italian.
Look what we got here, Edith, a mixed marriage.
Not mixed.
We're both Catholics.
Look, your phone's fixed.
Frank, I think we'd better go.
Don't run away.
Edith's gonna put coffee and cake on the table.
Get it, get it, get it.
I'm sorry, but you know us Irish Catholics.
I've gotta go have a few drinks and then rush right off to confession.
Oh, what do you mean "rush"? Where's the rush? There's one confession that can't wait.
Oh, come on, a nice lady like you, what would you have to confess? What I'm thinking about you.
[LAUGHING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
She fixed it! You said she couldn't do it! Oh, Archie, she fixed the phone, ain't that--? Shut up, huh? You said she couldn't do it.
Hello.
No.
No, you dumbbell, no.
She really fixed it.
Ain't that wonderful? What's wonderful? That was a wrong number.
Oh, my, I thought it would cool off at night.
Oh, Edith, look at the cards you've been dealing me.
Jeez, this ain't a hand, it's a foot.
Of all the lousy-- Archie, no swearing.
Remember, you promised.
No more G-D.
Who said G-D? You did.
I promised you never no more.
Come on, play cards.
Do you want the 10 of diamonds? No.
All right, I'll take it and I'll throw you the queen.
FRANK: We're having a heat wave A tropical heat wave What is that? It's We're having a heat wave A tropical heat wave I don't want stereo, Edith.
Come on, play the game.
You want the queen? Yeah.
Gin.
Oh, gee! Hey! Hey, Lorenzo! Will you cut that racket out over there? We're playing cards here.
You just made me blow a hand.
FRANK: Luck, be a lady tonight Luck, be a lady tonight [.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.