Bewitched (1964) s04e01 Episode Script

Good morning, everyone.
Ron Carlson here with the news brought to you every morning by Scrub.
- Hi, honey.
- I thought you'd left.
Oh, why? It's early.
I have a feeling Mother's going to drop in.
It's late.
Just a minute.
She promised the next time she came she'd let me know in advance.
- And now a special announcement: Darrin Stephens of this city will receive a visit from his mother-in-law today.
That's what you call letting me know in advance? - You didn't specify how far in advance.
This is for you, darling.
- Who's it from? - Ticheba.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Tiche-who? Ticheba.
She's - Oh, my goodness.
- What does she say? She said - Oh, my goodness.
- Stop saying that and tell me.
She's coming for a visit.
Oh, my goodness.
Look, honey, if it's going to upset you, just tell this Ticheba not to come.
Not to come? That's the funniest thing you've ever said.
- Nobody tells Ticheba anything.
- Why not? Who is she? Queen of the witches or something? - That is right.
- That's right.
Ask a silly question Well, sweetheart, you'll like her.
Once you get used to her.
She likes things her own way and will brook no denial.
- I suppose that's natural for a queen.
- Exactly.
- What's your excuse? - Darrin! Samantha, I will not stand here and be insulted by something which is 94 percent water.
- Mother! - Oh, yeah? What about something which is 100 percent hot air? Darrin, would you please try and control yourself? You may rise.
Very nice.
- Very nice indeed.
- Oh, well - Thank you, Your Majesty.
- Where is the main house? I'm afraid this is it.
Really? If you don't mind, I think I'd prefer my own chair.
Of course not, Your Majesty.
Now, just a minute.
Yes? I forgot the question.
- How long is she gonna be here? - Well, I don't know, sweetheart.
Well, it doesn't matter.
As long as she's gone by the time I get home.
Well, I'm leaving.
Splendid! Come here, my dear.
My dear, I have decided to abdicate.
And you have been chosen to serve in my place.
In your place? Tomorrow night, a universal coven will witness your coronation.
- What? - Oh, my dear! - Mother! - My little girl, Queen of the Witches.
- But I can't believe it.
- Oh, my baby! One of the chosen few.
Well, I'm honoured, Your Majesty, more than words can express.
And I can't accept it.
I beg your pardon.
I know what's bothering her.
It's Dumbo.
Well, that's hardly a problem.
I'll turn him into something suitable, like a doormat.
No! If you will show me my room, I'd like to rest.
Right this way, Your Majesty.
Now, please, let me try and explain, Your Majesty.
You see, when I married Darrin, I promised I wouldn't use witchcraft.
Now, he's been very understanding up until now but he'd never understand this.
Your Majesty, I can't be queen.
I'm married to a mortal and I have a child and a house to take care of.
One thing you must do is find quarters more suitable for a queen.
Perhaps you'd like some of your own furniture up here.
That might help.
There, now, that's better.
Your Majesty, do you understand? It's a bit crowded, isn't it? You're not listening to me, Your Majesty.
Of course I am.
I heard every word you said.
Your husband represents a problem, and I have told you I personally will take care of Dumbo.
His name is Darrin.
Either way, you have no problem.
- What's beyond that wall? - The master bedroom.
Then if you don't mind Your Majesty, I refuse to be queen.
We do our best, but sometimes we fail.
Samantha, come with me.
Will you stop making a fool of yourself? When you've been selected queen, our highest honour you do not have the privilege of turning it down.
You must accept.
- But that's not fair.
- Why? Well, I mean, it's all right for other witches.
They don't have Darrin to contend with, but l Mother, Darrin's simply going to explode.
Good.
It'll save us the trouble of turning him into a doormat.
Oh, you can joke.
You can joke, but I've gotta tell him.
I can just hear the explosion.
Queen? Of the Witches? What does that make me, Prince Valiant? - This is no joking matter.
- You're not kidding! It's a great, great honour.
And it means a lot to me and even more to Mother.
I can't refuse.
And what I think doesn't count? I'm just a doormat around here, I suppose.
- Not yet.
- What? I promise, you won't be inconvenienced.
I won't.
Is this a sample of what I can expect? Oh, no, no, sweetheart.
Ticheba insisted upon doing a little redecorating.
I'll change it as soon as she leaves.
She feels more at home this way.
Where does she live, the Taj Mahal? Darrin, try to understand.
Being queen is something that every witch mother dreams of for her girl just as every American father dreams that someday his boy will be president.
If memory serves no president has ever been a wife and a mother, which you are.
How will you take care of your home and your family? Well, I've got that all worked out.
Whatever business does come up, I'll just take care of it after midnight.
I just don't understand.
Why you? Yeah.
Why me? Well it's sort of hard to explain.
Try.
Well, certain witches are chosen at birth.
When you've been selected, you must serve.
You have no choice.
Then it really doesn't matter what I think.
Not really.
In that case, what can I say? Oh, Darrin, I knew you'd understand.
All hail Ticheba, our queen.
You may rise.
This universal coven I do convene.
Its purpose, you know, to crown a queen to rule all witchdom from this point hence.
If all be present let the oath-taking commence.
Samantha, gentle Samantha, fair Before your peers Assembled here Are you ready now to tak e The oath of office of which I spak e? I am.
Let the bearers of The Book of Rites draw near And as I read, let all give ear These words I read, say after me And weigh each one most carefully I, Samantha, do solemnly swear In accepting the crown To hold it dear I, Samantha, do solemnly swear In accepting the crown To hold it dear To be faithful and never to forsak e The holy office which I tak e To be faithful and never to forsak e The holy office which I tak e To preserve, protect And to defend The laws of witchdom to the end To preserve, protect And to defend The laws of witchdom to the end But only after midnight, please.
You see, I promised my husband And he'd flip his lid I'm trying to rhyme So please do as I bid Long live Queen Samantha.
Long live Queen Samantha.
Long live Queen Samantha.
Long live Queen Samantha.
Who's there? Who's there? I have an appointment with Her Majesty.
Downstairs.
Why are you disguised as a bird? What disguise? So I've been made a committee of one to petition Your Majesty for pardon for all of us.
- Are there many of you? - I'd hate to tell you how many.
Ticheba had a pretty short fuse, you know.
One wrong word and bingo, we were transformed.
Well, l Darrin, don't tell me we woke you.
All right, I won't tell you.
I always get up at 3:00 in the morning.
Forgive me for not waiting in line, Your Majesty but could you spare a moment of your time? Certainly.
You may withdraw.
Look, tomorrow morning I've got a meeting with a man who is the president of one of the largest steel companies in the country.
Now, his advertising account is worth over $8.
5 million in billing.
If I can swing him over to our agency, they've got to give me a bonus.
- Or at least make me a partner.
- Well, that's wonderful, sweetheart.
It won't be if I fall asleep during that meeting.
Most of this activity is caused by the changeover in administration.
- It'll taper off, you'll see.
- It better taper and soon.
I'm gonna get myself a glass of milk.
You can tell your friends I'll pardon them all.
You will? Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.
Thank you.
Tell them to assemble here tomorrow but remember, not before 12.
Thank you.
- Here you are, Mr.
Rohrbach.
- Thank you.
- Sweetheart? - Thank you, honey.
These crabmeat things are delicious.
Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I just threw them together.
If you'll excuse me, I have another batch in the oven.
Well, I like what I see, Stephens.
The house, good taste without ostentation.
- Thank you, sir.
Your wife's gonna fit into the Rohrbach family real well.
I'm glad you feel that way, sir.
It'll take a week to sever relations with the company handling our account.
Heck, what's a week? Maybe two weeks at the outside, but What was that? Pardon? Didn't you just see a bird fly through here? What bird? It was probably just a bird.
A shadow.
- You need some ice? - No, no, thanks.
I need some ice.
Fresh out of ice.
But I told you, not until after 12 midnight.
Oh, 12 midnight.
Sam, get that bird out of here and fast.
There's been a terrible misunderstanding.
Wait'll you see the misunderstanding we'll have.
I'll find out what's taking so long.
Leave before you end up in a fricassee.
- Right.
- What's going on? I told you to wait outside, didn't I? Sam, do something.
You should've seen Rohrbach's face when that bird flew in.
And I'll bet when he saw the chair Saw the chair? Holy mackerel! How are you doing, sir? A chair just came in that door and walked right through this hall.
Mr.
Rohrbach, have you been: I only had one.
And I know what I saw.
Think what you're saying.
A chair came through that door and walked through this hall? Well, a chair can't walk any more than a lamp can.
What kind of a place is this? What are you referring to, sir? I don't know what's going on, but I don't want any part of it.
And I don't want any part of anybody that's got any part of it.
Before you leave, sir, what about your account? What account? All right, everybody off the fat guy, and clear out till midnight.
Oh, Darrin, I'm sorry.
- Sam, I want you to abdicate.
- What? I want you to quit! But I can't.
I just took the oath of office.
Okay, you said you couldn't refuse the crown.
Okay! So you accepted it.
You've been queen for a day.
That's enough! - No, it isn't.
- I say it is.
I have to serve for at least a year.
You didn't tell me that.
I didn't? Well, I Well, I guess you didn't ask.
Oh, now, Darrin, please be reasonable.
A year isn't very long.
You'll see how quickly it'll pass.
Then I'll quit.
In that case, call me in about a year.
- I'll be at Joe's.
- Joe's? Joe's Bar and Grill.
I tell you, a man can take just so much.
- Then he has got to walk.
- You're so right.
"It's just for a year," she says.
"Okay," I say.
"Call me in about a year.
I'll be at Joe's Bar and Grill.
" I know how you feel.
I got a problem with my wife too.
Her mother.
With all due respect, friend, your problem can't be as bad as mine.
- My wife is Queen of the Witches.
- She can't be.
My mother-in-law's got that job.
Samantha, it's almost midnight, and the transformees will be arriving.
You should be getting into your robes.
- I thought I heard a car.
- Lf he comes back, he comes back.
If he doesn't, we'll open a bottle of champagne.
Well, I thought that was rather a good idea.
Well, I'm just not going to stand for it in my house.
If I have to, I won't go home for a year.
It's just about a year since I've been home.
I mean it, I - It is? - I never should've told my mother-in-law to get out of the house.
She owns it.
You haven't seen your family in all that time? I went back once.
About six months ago.
My kid didn't recognize me.
And the dog bit me.
And he's my dog! Comes in every night and cries like that.
You know, pal, this job gives me a chance to see some pretty good observations.
Now, he thinks his mother-in-law's a holy terror and you think your wife's Queen of the Witches.
But if the truth be it known they all got their good points.
Right, pal? They sure do, pal.
They sure do.
Hi.
Say You missed all the excitement.
She was sensational.
The incantation was beautiful.
And, you know, she actually produced a little fire and brimstone.
Haven't seen that in ages.
And then she touched each one of us with her sceptre and presto we were all back to our original form.
Is that better? You know, I'm gonna miss being a bird.
Samantha, bad news.
He's back.
Better hurry, Endora.
You'll be late for the monster rally.
Darrin.
Mother, don't you have someplace to fly? Sweetheart now, don't you know that you're more important to me than any old crown? Now, I don't know what's gonna happen if I resign.
No one's ever done it.
- But I'm going to.
- Honey l've been doing some thinking too.
And I don't wanna come home and find that my child doesn't know me and have the dog bite me.
What dog? That's right, we don't have one.
Anyway, the thing I realized is that your being queen is part of what you are.
And if I love you enough, I have to accept that.
Just the way you accept certain things about my world.
So I'm at your disposal, Your Majesty.
Rise, silly goose.
Oh, Darrin! Darrin, I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, it was a terrible mistake.
Darrin? Come back here.
Darrin.
Darrin.
Oh, please.
Darrin.
Please, if you'd just stand still, then I could change you back.
Sweetheart.
Sweetheart.
Come on, come on.
Oh, please.
Darrin, please.