Blackadder s04e01 Episode Script

Ready, march! Eyes right! Eyes right! Tweaks by XhmikosR Baldrick, what are you doing out there? I'm carving something on this bullet, sir.
- What are you carving? - I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.
Why? - It's a cunning plan, actually.
- Of course it is.
You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it? Yes? Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit by it, 'cos I won't ever shoot myself.
Oh, shame.
And the chances of there being two bullets with my name on them are very small indeed.
That's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed".
Your brain, for example, is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.
Tally-ho, pip-pip, and Bernard's your uncle.
In English we say, "good morning".
- Look what I got for you, sir.
- What? It's the latest issue of "King & Country".
Oh, damn inspiring stuff! The magazine that tells the tommies the truth about the war.
Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included In the French marriage service.
Come, come, sir.
Now, you can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.
Certainly not, I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet paper.
I'm not with you at all, sir, what could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag? Apart from his bottom? Well, look at it.
I mean the stuff's about as convincing as Dr.
Crippen's defence lawyer.
The British tommies are all portrayed as six-foot six with biceps the size of Bournemouth.
Thoroughly inspiring stuff.
And look, sir, this also just arrived for you this morning.
Hmm, do you know what this is, Lieutenant? - It's a good old service revolver.
- Wrong.
It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it.
I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.
That's funny, sir, because we didn't order those new trench-climbing ladders either.
- New ladders? - Yeah, came yesterday.
I issued them to the men, and they were absolutely thrilled.
- Isn't that right men? - Yes, sir, First solid fuel we've had since we burned the cats.
Something's going on, and I think I can make an educated guess what it is.
Something which you, George, would find hard to do.
Ah, true, true.
Where I was at school, education could go hang as long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud, and take a hot crumpet from behind without blubbing.
I, on the other hand, am a fully-rounded human being with a degree from the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out of Me.
And my instincts lead me to deduce that we are at last about to go over the top.
Great Scott, sir, you mean You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Hun a darned good British-style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down? If you mean are we all going to get killed, yes.
Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.
Right! Bravo-issimo! Well let's make a start, eh? Up and over to glory, last one in Berlin's a rotten egg.
Give me your helmet, Lieutenant.
Yes, some sort of clever hat camouflage might be in order.
Permission to speak, sir.
Granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread.
I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed, sir.
- Ah, yes, what is it? - Cooking.
I see.
You know staff HQ is always on the lookout for good cooks? Well, we go over there, we cook 'em something, and we get out of the trenches that way.
- Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan.
- Is it? Yes, it's superb.
Permission to write home immediately, sir! This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had! For centuries we've tried, and they've always turned out to be total pig swill.
My mother will be as pleased as punch.
Hmm, if only she were as good-looking as punch, Baldrick.
There is, however, one slight flaw in the plan.
Oh? You're the worst cook in the entire world.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
There are amoeba on Saturn who could boil a better egg than you.
Your filet mignons in sauce Béarnaise look like dog turds in glue.
That's because they are.
Your plum duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings.
I thought you wouldn't notice.
And your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit.
Again, it's If you were to serve one of your meals in staff HQ, you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited for a wine and anthrax party.
No, we'll have to think of a better plan than that.
Right, how about a nice meal, while you chew it over? What's on the menu? Rat.
Sauté or fricassée? Oh, the agony of choice.
Sautéed involves? Well, you take the freshly shaved rat, and you marinade it in a puddle for a while.
- Mm-hmm, for how long? - Till it's drowned.
Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb, then you get within dashing distance of the latrine, and you scoff it right down.
So that's sautéing.
And fricasséeing? Exactly the same, just a slightly bigger rat.
Well, call me old Mr.
Unadventurous, but I think I'll give it a miss this once.
Fair enough, sir.
- More for the rest of us.
Eh, sir? - Absolutely, Private.
Tally-ho, barf barf! Hello, the Savoy Grill.
Oh, it's you Yes Yes, I'll be over in 40 minutes.
Who was it then, sir? Strangely enough, Baldrick, it was Pope Gregory IX, inviting me for drinks aboard his steam yacht "The Saucy Sue", currently wintering in Montego Bay with the England cricket team and the Balinese Goddess of Plenty.
- Really? - No, not really.
I've been ordered to HQ.
No doubt that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me some attractive new opportunities to have my brains blown out for Britain.
What do you want, Darling? It's "Captain Darling" to you.
General Melchett wants to see you about a highly important secret mission.
- What's going on, Darling? - Captain Blackadder to see you, sir.
Ah, excellent.
Just a short back and sides today, I think, please.
Er, that's Corporal Black, sir.
Captain Blackadder is here about the other matter, sir, the secret matter.
Ah, yes, the special mission.
At ease, Blackadder.
Now, what I'm about to tell you is absolutely tip-top-secret.
- Is that clear? - It is, sir.
Now, I've compiled a list of those with security clearance.
- Have you got it Darling? - Yes, sir.
Read it, please.
It's top security, sir, I think that's all the captain needs to know.
Nonsense! Let's hear the list in full! Very well, sir.
List of personnel cleared for Mission Gainsborough, as dictated by General C.
H.
Melchett.
You and me, Darling, obviously.
Field Marshal Haig, Field Marshal Haig's wife, all Field Marshal Haig's wife's friends, their families, their families' servants, their families' servants' tennis partners, and some chap I bumped into in the mess the other day called Bernard.
So, it's maximum security, is that clear? Quite clear, sir.
Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking world is to know.
Good man.
Now, Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field.
Ah.
Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy, sir? How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? It's classified information.
It's the same plan that we used last time, and the seventeen times before that.
E-e-exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it! It will catch the watchful Hun totally off-guard! Doing precisely what we have done eighteen times before is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem.
That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds.
That's right! And Field Marshal Haig is worried that this may be depressing the men a tadge.
So he's looking to find a way to cheer them up.
Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious solution.
Interesting thought.
Make a note of it, Darling.
Take a look at this I'm sure you know it "King & Country".
Ah, yes, without question my favourite magazine soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.
Top-hole, Blackadder, I thought it would be right up your alley.
Field Marshal Haig's plan is this: To commission a man to do an especially stirring painting for the cover of the next issue, so as to really inspire the men for the final push.
What I want you to do, Blackadder, is to labour night and day to find a first-rate artist from amongst your men.
Impossible, sir.
I know from long experience that my men have all the artistic talent of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs in a bag.
Hmm, well that's a bit of a blow.
We needed a man to leave the trenches immediately.
- Leave the trenches? - Mm-hm.
Yes, I wonder if you've enjoyed, as I have sir, that marvellous painting in the national portrait gallery, Bag Interior, by the colour-blind hedgehog workshop of Sienna.
I'm sorry, are you saying you can find this man? I think I can.
And might I suggest, sir, that, having left the trenches, it might be a good idea to post our man to Paris in order to soak up a little of the artistic atmosphere perhaps even Tahiti so as to produce a real masterpiece.
Yes, yes, but can you find the man?! Now, I know I can, sir.
Before you can say "Sunflowers," I'll have Vincent Van Gogh standing before you.
No, don't stop, sir.
It's coming, it's definitely coming.
I, hmm, yeah, er, hm.
I just wonder whether two socks and a hand grenade is really the sort of thing that covers of "King & Country" are made of.
They will be when I've painted them being shoved up the Kaiser's backside.
- Ah, now, now, this is interesting.
- What is? Well, Private Baldrick is obviously a bit of an impressionist.
The only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent.
What's it called, Baldrick? "The Vomiting Cavalier"? No, sir, that's not supposed to be vomit.
- It's dabs of light.
- No, it's vomit.
- Yes, so, why did you choose that? - You told me to, sir.
Did I? Yeah, you told me to paint whatever comes from within, so I did my breakfast.
Look, there's a little tomato.
Hopeless.
If only I'd paid attention in nursery art class instead of spending my entire time manufacturing papier mâché Willies to frighten Sarah Wallis.
You know, it's funny, but painting was the only thing I was ever any good at.
Well, it's a pity you didn't keep it up.
Well, as a matter of fact, I did, actually.
I mean I mean normally I wouldn't show them to anyone, 'cos they're just embarrassing daubs really, but you know, ah, they give me pleasure.
I'm embarrassed to show them to you now as it happens, but there you go, for what they're worth.
To be honest, I should have my hands cut off, I mean George! These are brilliant! Why didn't you tell us about these before? Well, you know, one doesn't want to blow one's own trumpet.
You might at least have told us you had a trumpet.
These paintings could spell my way out of the trenches.
Yours? That's right, ours.
All we have to do is paint something heroic to appeal to the simple-minded tommy.
Over to you, Baldrick.
Um, how about a noble tommy, standing, with a look of horror and disgust, over the body of a murdered nun, what's been brutally done over by a nasty old German.
Excellent.
I-I can see it now: The Nun and the Hun.
Brilliant! No time to lose.
George, set up your easel, Baldrick and I will pose.
This is going to be art's greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down and told Leonardo da Vinci she was in a slightly odd mood.
Baldrick, you lie down in the mud and be the nun.
I'm not lying down there, it's all wet.
Well, let's put it this way: Either you lie down and get wet, or you're knocked down and get a broken nose.
Actually it's not that wet, is it? No.
Who are you going to be then, sir? The noble tommy? Precisely, standing over the body of the ravaged nun.
I want a wimple.
You should have gone before we started the picture.
You know, the funny thing is, my father was a nun.
- No, he wasn't.
- He was so, sir.
I know, 'cos whenever he was up in court, and the judge used to say, "Occupation?" he'd say, "None.
" Right.
You're ready? Just about sir, yes.
Um, if you just like to pop your clothes on the stool.
I'm sorry? Just pop your clothes on the stool over there.
You mean, you want me "tackle out"? Well, I would prefer so, sir, yes.
If I can remind you of the realities of battle, George, one of the first things that everyone notices is that all the protagonists have got their clothes on.
Neither we nor the Hun favour fighting our battles au naturel.
Sir, it's artistic license.
It's willing suspension of disbelief.
Well, I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my Willie suspension! Now, get on and paint the bloody thing sharpish! Brilliant, George, it's a masterpiece.
The wimple suits you, Baldrick.
- But it completely covers my face.
- Exactly.
Now, then, General Melchett will be here at any moment.
When he arrives, leave the talking to me, all right? I like to keep an informal trench, as you know, but today you must only speak with my express permission, is that clear? Is that clear? Permission to speak.
Yes, sir, absolutely.
Attention! Dugout, attention! Excellent, at ease.
Now, then, Blackadder, where would you like me to sit? I thought just a simple trim of the moustache today, nothing drastic.
- We're here about the painting, sir.
- Oh, yes, of course.
Good Lord, George! Ha ha ha! How are you, my boy? I said how are you? Permission to speak.
Absolutely top-hole sir, with a ying and a yang and a yippetty-doo.
Splendid! And your Uncle Bertie sends his regards.
I told him you could have a week off in April.
Don't want you missing the boat race, do we? Permission to speak.
Certainly not.
Permission to sing boisterously, sir? If you must.
Row, row, row your punt Gently down the stream Belts off, trousers down, isn't life a scream? Fabulous.
University education, you can't beat it.
Bravo! Now, what have we here? Name? Permission to speak.
Baldrick, sir.
Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip, and zing zang spillip.
Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka? Permission to speak.
Answer the general, Baldrick.
I can't answer him, sir, I don't know what he's talking about.
Aah, are you looking forward to the big push? No, sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
Ah, the healthy humour of the honest tommy.
Ha ha ha, don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
About thirty-five miles behind you.
Right, well, stand by your beds.
Let's have a look at this artist of yours, Blackadder.
- Next to me, Darling.
- Thank you, sir.
So, ah, have you found someone? Yes, sir, I think I have.
None other than young George here.
Oh, bravo! - Well, let's have a shufti then.
- It's simply called "War".
Damn silly title, George.
Looks more like a couple of socks and a stick of pineapple to me.
Ah, permission to speak, sir?! Uh, I think not, actually.
Quite right! If what happens when you open your mouth is anything like what happens when you open your paintbox, we'll all be drenched in phlegm! Oh, no, this isn't what we're looking for at all, is it, Darling? - No, sir.
- No sir! There is this, sir.
It's Private Baldrick's.
He's called it "My Family And Other Animals.
" Oh, good Lord, no! Well, I'm afraid that's about it, sir, apart from this little thing.
Ah, now that's more like it! Who painted this, Blackadder? Well actually, it was me.
Permission to speak really quite urgently, sir! Damn and blast your goggly eyes, will you stop interrupting, George?! This is excellent! Congratulations, man.
It's totally inspiring! Makes you want to jump over the top and yell, "Yah boo, sucks to you, Fritzie!" Thank you, sir.
Are you sure you did this, Blackadder? Of course I'm sure.
- I'm afraid I don't believe you.
- How dare you, Darling? General, I can't let that slur pass.
What possible low, suspicious, slanderous reason could this office boy have for thinking that I didn't paint the picture? Three reasons, as a matter of fact.
- Firstly, you're in it.
- It's a self-portrait.
Secondly, you told us you couldn't paint.
One doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet.
- Permission - Denied.
And thirdly, it's signed "George.
" Well spotted.
But not signed George, dedicated to George.
King George.
Gentlemen, The King.
- The King! - Where? Bravo, Blackadder, I have absolutely no hesitation in appointing you our official regimental artist.
You're a damn fine chap, not a pen-pushing, desk-sucking blotter-jotter like Darling here.
- Eh, Darling? - No sir.
No sir.
Well, accompany us back to HQ immediately.
Ten shun! Permission to jolly well speak right now, sir, otherwise I might just burst like a bloody balloon! Later, George.
Much later.
Congratulations on your new appointment, Blackadder.
Thank you, sir.
And may I say, Blackadder, I am particularly pleased about it.
- Are you? - Oh, yes.
Now that you are our official war artist, we can give you the full briefing.
The fact is, Blackadder, that the King & Country cover story was just a cover story! We want you, as our top painting bard, to leave the trenches Good.
- tonight - Suits me.
and go out into No-Man's Land.
- No-Man's Land.
- Yes.
- Not Paris.
- No.
We want you to come back with accurate drawings of the enemy positions.
You want me to sit in No-Man's Land painting pictures of the Germans? Precisely good man! Well, it's a very attractive proposition, but unfortunately, not practical.
You see, my medium is light.
It'll be pitch-dark I won't be able to see a thing.
Ah that is a point.
I tell you what We'll send up a couple of flares.
You'll be lit up like a Christmas tree.
Oh, excellent.
Glad I checked.
All right total and utter quiet.
So, for instance, if any of us crawl over any barbed wire, they must on no account go Aaahhh!!!! You just crawled over some barbed wire, sir? No, Baldrick, I've just put my elbow in a blob of ice cream.
Well, that's all right.
- Now, where the hell are we? - It's a bit difficult to say.
We appeared to have crawled into an area marked with mushrooms.
And what do those symbols denote? That we're in a field of mushrooms? That is a military map, It is unlikely to list interesting flora and fungi.
Look at the key and you'll discover that those mushrooms aren't for picking.
Good Lord, you're quite right, sir.
It says "mine".
So these mushrooms must belong to the man who made the map.
Either that, or we're in the middle of a mine field.
Oh, dear.
So he owns the field as well? They're firing, sir, they're firing! Yes, thank you, Lieutenant.
If they hit me, you'll be sure to point it out, won't you? Get on with your drawing and let's get out of here.
Surely we ought to wait for the flare, sir, you see, my medium is light Just use your imagination, for heaven's sake! Wait a minute that's the answer.
I can't believe I've been so stupid! That is unusual, 'cos usually I'm the stupid one.
Well, I'm not over-furnished in the brain department.
Well, on this occasion, I've been stupidest of all.
Oh, now, sir, I will not have that.
Baldrick and I will always be more stupid than you.
Isn't that right, Baldrick? Stupid, stupid, stupid! Yeah stupidy, stupidy, stupidy! The stupidest stupids in the whole history of stupidityness! Finished? I think the obvious point is this We'll go straight back to the dugout and do the painting from there.
You do the most imaginative, most exciting possible drawing of German defences from your imagination.
I say, now, that is a challenge.
Quite.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Oh, sir, just one thing If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do? Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackadder? Absolutely.
There may have been a few more armament factories and not quite as many elephants, but that's generally it.
Well, you know what this means.
If it's true, sir, we'll have to cancel the push.
Exactly.
- Damn! - What a nuisance.
Exactly what the enemy would expect us to do, and therefore, exactly what we shan't do! Ah.
Now If we attack where the line is strongest, then Fritz will think that our reconnaissance is a total shambles.
This will lull him into a sense of false security, and then next week we can attack where the line is actually badly defended, and win the greatest victory since the Winchester flower arranging team beat Harrow by 12 sore bottoms to one! Tell me have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir? So, best fighting trousers on, Blackadder! Permission to shout "Bravo" at an annoyingly loud volume, sir! - Permission granted.
- Bravo!!!! That's the spirit! Just your kind of caper, eh, Blackadder? Oh, yes.
Good luck against those elephants.
Get me a chisel and some marble, will you, Baldrick? Taking up sculpture now, sir? No, I thought I'd get my headstone done.
What are you gonna put on it? Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed.
We're going over, are we, sir? Yes, we are, unless I can think of some brilliant plan.
Would you like some rat au vin to help you think? Rat au vin? Yeah, it's rat, and it's been run over by a van.
No thank you, Baldrick.
Although it gives me an idea.
Telephone, please.
I suppose Blackadder and his boys will have gone over the top by now, sir.
Yes.
God, I wish I was out there with them, dodging the bullets, instead of having to sit here drinking this Chateau Lafitte and eating these fillet mignons with sauce Béarnaise.
My thoughts exactly, sir.
Damn this Chateau Lafitte.
He's a very brave man, Blackadder, and of course that lieutenant of his, George.
Cambridge man, you know.
His uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college.
Slightly unusual taste, this sauce Béarnaise.
Yes, and to be quite frank, these mignons are are a little well - What? - Well, dungy.
What on earth's wrong with our cook? Well, it's rather strange story, sir.
Oh? Tell, tell.
Well, sir, I received a phone call this afternoon from Pope Gregory IX telling me that our cook had been selected for the England cricket team and must set sail for the West Indies immediately.
Really? Barely a moment later, the phone rang again.
It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs who happened to be in the area offering their services.
So I had the quartermaster take them on at once.
Oh? Jumping Jupiter! Are you sure these are real raisins in this plum duff? Oh yes, I'm sure they are, sir.
Everything will be all right once the cream custard arrives.
Jolly good fun, sir, but dash it all, we appear to have missed the big push! Oh, damn, so we have.
One thing puzzles me, Baldrick How did you manage to get so much custard out of such a small cat? Tweaks by XhmikosR