Brassic (2019) s04e01 Episode Script

1
(Whispering)
Thirty four percent was always enough.
Mr McCann, I've got a proposal.
- The bank gave you a loan.
- Yes.
I hope you are not telling me
any porkies.
(Whispering) I always think about
what you whispered.
TUMA: The safe is no longer here.
- Terence
- You're done.
He wouldn't do anything
to Tyler, would he?
(WHIMPERING)
Nothing is happening to the boy.
- Where is Tyler?
- He is gone. I lost him.
- Tyler?
- I'll get him back.
ERIN (READING): "My darling Vinnie.
I am scared, so I have to go.
I will miss you forever.
And I hope you can forgive me."
(DISTANT CAR HORN BLARING)
I am just a man
Tipping on the wire
Tight rope walking fool
Balanced on desire
I can not control
These ever changing ways
So how can I be sure
The feeling will remain
It'll always change
But everything I am is yours ♪
(HORN BLARES, TYRES SCREECH)
Oh, fuck me!
Careful dickhead! Hey up! Vinnie?
(LAUGHS LOUDLY) Come here, Ringo.
Good to see you.
You stink of patchouli oil, man.
It's overwhelming?
I nearly fucking killed you there.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm fucking
miles away at the minute.
Yeah, well, I'm glad I
nearly killed you there,
'cause me and the band
have got a gig tonight.
Brilliant. 'Cause, er, you'll never
guess who's getting married again?
- Yeah? Go on?
- Well guess.
- I don't know.
- No guess, man.
- Fuck me. Pete the eunuch?
- No, it's me, you daft twat.
Hey! Fantastic!
And you'll never guess
who I'm getting married to.
- I don't
- It's Babs.
Babs? Fucking Babs
is who YOU'RE getting married to.
But you got married
and you got divorced.
And now we're getting married again.
The prawn cocktail thing nearly
tore you a new arsehole, didn't it?
You were really upset.
Well, the thing is
I put that behind us, Vin.
You know, forgive and forget.
She's a good girl and it's
for keeps this time.
Good man.
That's fucking fantastic.
I'm made up for you, man.
- Listen I'll see you tonight, then?
- Grand.
- Eight o'clock, Crow's Nest.
- It's a fucking date.
- 'Ere, bring Erin.
- Oh
- Alright, cheerio, dickhead.
- Yeah.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Go on, get out of it, you big cunt.
(HORN BLARES, TYRES SCREECH)
- Fucking hell!
- Bell end. What ya doing?
Sorry. Fuck me. Sorry. Miles away.
The best things in life are free
But you can give them
To the birds and bees
I need money ♪
I just wanna know where she is,
know what I mean?
Yeah. Well, she says
she doesn't want finding.
Yeah, I know. But she's fucked off
with my little lad, Cardi,
and I'm fucking-My heart's breaking.
She's scared about McCann.
Yeah, but fucking hell. He's not
gonna be around much longer, is he?
He's getting sent down, hopefully.
He'll be gone out of our life's forever.
Just need to see her
..so I can talk to her properly.
(DOGS BARKING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
I don't like seeing you sad, man.
- Do you wanna throw the ball?
- Oh shit, yeah. (CHUCKLES)
(THUD, MAN GRUNTS)
Oh, fuck me. Dude, shit.
- Hey! You fucking idiots!
- Idiots!
He's fuck he's he's run off.
(CHEERING)
We are Tonguesten and we came here
to rock your bloody tits off!
(GUITAR BLASTING, CHEERING)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
That is shit, innit?
That to me, is the dying
screams of a murder victim.
Ted Bundy, the musical.
I'd fucking watch that.
That name - Tonguesten, yeah?
I mean, I assume it's a play
on the word Tungsten,
but it's not even a heavy metal.
It'll shatter on impact.
You know what, yeah?
They should have called it
something like, Titanium-
(SARCASTIC LAUGH) Shut up!
- Have you have you heard from her?
- No! Fuck no!
No. Only a few WhatsApp
video's from Tyler, that's it.
- Have you heard anything?
- Nah.
(SPEAKERS RINGING)
- Hiya, boys!
- Eh, boys?
Oh, Sugar, you're always
seeking attention.
You alright, Babs?
What's going on with that little
diabetes shoe you've got there?
(SIGHS) Ketamine and roller skating
do not mix.
- Well, you look very well.
- Aw, this is the glow of true love.
I think it's great
that you're trying again.
There's not many couples could get
over that prawn cocktail incident.
It was shrimp.
And it was a misunderstanding.
So Barbara, when's the big day?
Are we all invited, then?
This Saturday, in Merthyr Tydfil
where my parents are.
You are all more than welcome.
Tonguesten are playing!
Oh, well, in that case,
abso-fucking-lutely not!
Thank you very much.
(PHONE LINE RINGING)
(HE GRUNTS)
Hi, it's Erin. Leave a message
after the beep. Bye. (BEEP)
Look, it's me again. For the
fifteen hundredth fucking time.
I know you're getting
these messages, Erin
..and I just wish I knew where you were.
I only want to help you out, ya know?
(RAPID KNOCKING)
Fucking hell's teeth!
Oh, course. Why won't it be!
Fuck are you doing in middle of woods?
Oh, this is nice and cosy, Vin.
(INQUISITIVE GRUNT)
What do you want?
Well, I gave my friends the slip
to come and find you.
Right, then?
- Because, Vinnie, there's one thing
- I need from you, before I get wed.
Go on then?
I need you to make love to me.
Pfft! Gross! Taking the piss?
- You do fancy me, don't you?
- No! Well, that's not true.
That's not the issue, though,
is it Babs?
You're getting fucking married,
this weekend, to bloody Ringo.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, I'm committing myself
to him for the rest of my life.
But before I get hitched,
I just need one last one,
and I'm choosing you, Vinnie.
No, you. Just away over there.
(CHUCKLING) Er, no.
Oh, come on. We're here now.
I'll just take my clothes off.
Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?
Wading through the woods
like a sexual tyrannosaur.
You doing like that-Er, no!
You're terrifying tonight.
What's matter with you?
Come on. Nobody'd know.
I will know, won't I? I'll know.
That'll never leave me. I'm very sad.
I'm very depressed, and fuck me,
dude, I'm missing my fucking boy.
And even if I wanted to shag ya
(SOFTLY)
..my todger doesn't really work.
- What if I showed you my boob trick?
- Go on then.
- Together.
- Hmm.
Single. Individual. Together.
- Single.
- It's amazing. Do you want a brew?
- No, do you wanna finger me?
- No! How many sugars do you want?
Uh, three, please.
TYLER: Hi, Daddy.
Mummy and me are having
a great time on our trip,
but look. I broke my arm,
and it doesn't even hurt.
And I've drawn you, too,
but mum says it's got too much hair.
Love you, daddy.
(CHUCKLES) Hmm. He's cute.
I never knew that you and Erin uh-uhh.
Hmm, yeah, many moons ago.
We were wrecked. (CHUCKLES)
Ended up coming away with
this little horror. (LAUGHS)
- You must miss him like crazy.
- I do, yeah.
Feels like someone's
ripped my bloody arm off.
Hmm.
- And you've no idea where they are?
- No.
No, I mean, fucking hell,
they could be anywhere. (SNIFFS)
It's a shame you don't know a
doctor. They could tell you.
How do you mean?
Well, if Tyler's broken his arm,
means he's been to a hospital.
So it'll be on his medical records,
you know, the name of the hospital,
temporary address.
But that's all confidential.
You'd have to know a doctor really
well to get that kind of info.
Fucking
It's terrifying how you just
put all that together like that.
You're a fucking genius, Babs.
Shit, dude, I could lay you right now.
- There's always time for that, love.
- Absolutely not!
(KNOCKING) Chris.
Christopher, it's fucking Vincent
Jesus Christ. Oh!
- Hello.
- Hiyah, is Christopher in?
He says to tell you that he's busy.
Right, you just go in there, and
you tell that posh fat-headed turd
to bring his bony arse to come down
to this porch, on the immediate.
Or I'll cut his fucking weed supply off.
He does have a lovely arse.
He also has a fat head.
Vinnie, what do you want? Hi, I'm Chris.
- I'm Barbara.
- Nice outfit.
It's my hen do.
What's going on. Why you here?
Did you not-Have you got changed?
No. Eh?
Different person. Twins.
God sake! Why can't people just cuddle?
I need a favour. It's deeply unethical,
and Babs is caning for a shit.
- Come on, dude. It's cold.
- Come on, quick. (TWIN GIGGLES)
(LOUD LAUGHTER)
So there we were in the dark,
hammer and tongs going at it.
The light came on.
It was his bloody dad!
Can you believe it?
Dude, these threesomes
Is there not like a moment
when you're like, pfft,
- it's all a bit much?
- You never had a threesome?
No I've never had a fucking three
Never even had a twosome, barely.
They're phenomenal, Vinnie.
Got Amelia over there stroking your
hair with long manicured fingers.
Meanwhile, Jemima, downstairs,
taking care of business.
Gross.
Listen, if I give you any advice,
medical advice, as your doctor,
don't die before you've had a threesome.
- Here we are.
- Go on.
Tyler Croft. Three-Er, confidentiality.
Hospital admission - 3-6-2013.
Bronglais General Hospital,
Caradog Road, Aberystwyth.
- That's Wal that's Wales, in it?
- Yeah.
- Is there an address?
- Care of address.
Give us that, then. What does it say?
(SIGHS) Gell-dilly-ywll
caravan park in Grad-clan-
I mean, it's just letters
tossed together Welsh, isn't it?
Christ, she's on a fucking
trailer park in Wales?
It says "care of address
until the end of month."
Shit. Well that's this fucking weekend.
She'll be on her way back, maybe.
Or moving on.
Shit. Babs?
Yeah!
- How far's Merthyr Tydfil from Aberys
- Aberystwyth?
Yeah.
Oh, I don't know, love. 60 miles?
That's not so bad. Can I still
come to your wedding, please?
Oh, course you can, love.
Hey, ask your friend
if I can stay the night.
Course you can.
(EXCITED CHUCKLE)
- Never had a foursome.
- It'll be horrible.
Chinny chin chin. Chinny chin chin.
Up the bum no harm done.
(WOMEN LAUGHING, BOTH MEN CHUCKLE)
(VAN HORN BLARING)
Ho, ho, ho! Bonjour, madams
and monsieur. Comment ete-vous?
What the fuck's all this, dude?
This, my luscious lads,
is my latest business venture.
A reflective truck?
Yes, Dylan, very observant.
Reflective truck from the outside.
But from the inside
(THEY GASP AND LAUGH)
- observavous.
- JJ: Absolutely wonderful.
The whole thing's all two way glass.
It's one way glass, in't it, Ashley?
'Cause two way glass,
that's just normal glass, in't it?
- Think about it.
- Oh, one way glass, woah!
- TOMMO: Right you and you. On the bed.
- Why?
Demonstration time.
Now the world, as I see it, right,
is full of exhibitionists, alright?
So let's pretend, for a moment,
that our lovely young couple here
- are, in fact, fornicating. Now, go on.
- Oh, fuck off.
Ashley, take it away. (GRUNTS)
Now meanwhile, I'll be upfront.
I'll be driving us round,
past shops, past cafes,
maybe past a cop car.
And in the back, although
they know it's an illusion,
it will seem to them for all the world,
as if they are fucking in public.
(CHUCKLES) I have struck gold
with this one. I'm telling ya.
I can feel it in my piss.
- Ashley, give over man, will ya?
- Hey! Get that off!
You're confusing him.
Paid £16.99. Ah! Jesus Christ.
Look, be that as it may, I am
fucking impressed. It's cool.
But, I mean
Today it's gonna have to
just be a shit van, innit?
- Driving to mid Wales.
- That's not really the point of it.
Listen, the rest of you lot,
you better have kept schtum
about this fucking Erin mission.
Alright? 'Cause if she finds out
that I'm on me way-
Well, she could fucking bolt here.
So, let's all see them zips.
Zip gesture.
Dude, zip gesture. Do the thing.
- Why would I do the zip gesture?
- Why wouldn't you do the zip gesture?
I'm not a child.
You hiding something?
You're hiding something.
I'm not hiding something.
- Do the gesture!
- You're pathetic.
(SHOUTING OVER EACH OTHER)
Alright, sound.
(MUFFLED GRUNTS)
Unzip for it, you fucking melon.
There's only one slight problem, right.
Um, my wife, Carol
She wants to come and I couldn't
think of a reason why she couldn't.
Dude, I gave you the fucking reason.
It is a boys only road trip.
(BABS KNOCKING) Hiyah, boys.
Oh, shit, Babs is here. Get out of way.
Why's she coming?
- Hey up, Babs, come in a second.
- What else?
Have you brought your mum, have ya?
(SONG PLAYING)
(BABS CHUCKLING)
(GROANING)
This is absolute fucking madness.
You gonna pick up a hitchhiker now,
so she can get laid?
What am I gonna do? What am I-
I mean, she wants to get laid one
more time before she gets hitched.
- She wants to frolic, man.
- So what happened with Dr Chris?
But-
She said it was weird.
Actually-Actually what she said was
I liked the idea, but the reality,
there were too many elbows.
Why's she even marrying him
if she's still acting like this?
Dyldo, honestly, I'm as happy
about it as you are, bud,
but she's helping me find Erin,
so that's what I'm gonna fucking do.
- Poor Ringo.
- I know. She's an animal, dude.
So you still haven't found
the right woman, Tommo, or man?
You know me, Barbara.
I'm a cowboy, on a silver horse I ride.
(SHE WHOOPS)
What the fuck does that mean?
No you should settle down, love.
Trust me. I mean, look at them two.
(CHUCKLES) Who the hell
put them two together?
Opposites attract, innit?
Oh, you know what?
I think it's brilliant.
Half the town's seen your girlfriend's
jigglers and you were OK with it.
- What the fuck?
- Ha!
You either shut your gob or you're
getting married with a shiner.
See? Love, wonderful. (CACKLES)
(MUTTERS) Here we go.
Let me ask you a question.
You ever had a threesome?
- No.
- Lying, straight away.
Straight away,
you fucking handsome liar.
Dude, everyone's having
really sexy tropical sexy time.
I'm just fucking wanking
in the deep down-
I bet he's had a bloody threesome,
hasn't he?
- Ash.
- Yeah.
- Well, yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
- What's this?
Threesomes. Dyl's saying you had one.
- We did.
- Hey?
You were inside.
I'm surprised you told him.
I didn't fucking tell him.
What the f-What the actual fuck?
No, we were-We-Hey!
We were off our faces.
Yeah. Yeah. It was just messing.
Weird.
Give me a fucking crunchie.
- It did happen, though.
- What?
It didn't fucking happen.
I just can't believe it.
- Hey! Don't show him fucking that!
- Don't show it to me! Put it away!
(RETCHING)
That there is motion sickness like.
We can't travel there in the back.
There's only one seat
up at the front with me.
So one of you can go with Vincent.
Oi, Cardi, come and jump in
back with me and our Ashley.
Can have a lie down, love.
Has anyone got any food,
I'm fucking starving now?
Not to freak anyone out there, lads,
but when we pulled up, that car
pulled up and no-one's gotten out,
and now we're setting off,
they're setting off.
Shit, you don't think
it's McCann's men, do you?
Why the fuck would it be McCann's men?
"Why would it be McCann's men?"
We got him sent down.
- He's being sentenced today.
- Shit.
See if they follow.
- Shit. They're following.
- Shit. Bollocks.
You know, we wanna to be certain.
Take the next exit there.
Can't, dude. I'm gonna
fucking lose Tommo, won't we?
- Fuck Tommo. Why did I swap cars?
- Take the next left please.
Are they still following?
Er no.
Oh, shit! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
They're following. Fucker!
I don't wanna die!
I should've stayed with Carol.
They're coming up pretty
fucking fast now, dude.
- Go faster than they are, dude.
- Go. Go. Go.
What do think I'm tryna-
What do you think I'm tryna do?
- It'll only go so fast.
- Vin. Vin. I'm too young to die!
You're not gonna die, Cardi.
Last time you said that,
someone got their head chopped off!
Well, at least, you've
had a fucking threesome.
(GRUNTING)
Shit! We're being rammed.
- Why are they fucking ramming us?
- They're ramming us.
(GRUNTING) Let's just-
Let's just stop the car.
Slow down and, and fucking
reason with 'em.
Oh, that's a fucking fantastic idea.
Let's just stop the car
and reason with the men
who are trying to ram us
off the fucking road.
Shit! Fucking hell!
Oh, woah, woah, woah, woah!
Wait! Hey, move!
(ALL SCREAMING FOR VAN TO MOVE)
No! No! No! There's a sign! It's closed!
They're never doing any fucking work.
I'm gonna get us through there.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
(ALL SCREAMING, TYRES SCREECH)
Fucking hell! Ooh!
(HORN TOOTS)
(CLATTERING)
We'll have to go through the back.
Fuck me.
Davey, what the fuck man?
The fuck are you playing at, eh?
- You nearly killed us there.
- We were just having some fun, Vincent.
- Why are you following us?
- Following ya?
What a vivid imagination you have,
Vincent.
We were just on our way to
a wedding. Pure coincidence.
Not Ringo and Babs, huh?
Yes. Ringo's an old pal
of mine. You going, too?
We fucking were. Yes, we were.
Should be a nice bash.
Maybe see you down there, boys.
Come and help us-No, no, no!
Hey! Come pull us out, man.
Behave yourself.
Sorry. Got a long journey ahead.
Oh, by the way, Vincent.
I do hope your weed grows safe
while you're away.
Because you know what they say:
"Finders Keepers."
- What's he on about?
- They're trying to nick the weed.
Don't nick-Don't nick the weed.
- What you doing?
- Wishing them well.
What the fuck. Don't, don't wave at him.
CARDI: Dylan, I would
check the carburettor.
Fuck.
No signal.
We're gonna have to push this car, lads.
Right, you get on that end.
Me and Cardi will pull.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
One, two, three, go.
(EFFORT GRUNTS)
Dude, there's just no way we're
getting out of here without a tow.
- You slapper. Fuck!
- This is farming land, yeah?
So, logic dictates, there's gotta
be a farmer round here somewhere.
So we'll just have to find one
and see if they can pull us out.
That's not a bad idea. Come on then.
Let's go find this fucking farmer.
Cardi. Come on, love.
TOMMO: Now then, Barbara.
In my experience, right, a trucker
is a very randy breed of man.
So, what I'm pitching to you,
sweetheart, is this.
We use our time here wisely,
you choose one you like the look of,
and we get this whole one last fling
idea put to bed once and for all.
- How's about that?
- But they're all fat, Tommo. And old.
I want a skinny man.
I know, sweetheart, but, er,
beggars can't be choosers, can they?
So what about this chap
here in the Hi-Viz?
- Hey? What about him?
- Lovely chap, shiny head
Oh, he looks like my Uncle Alwyn.
I'm not having my last new penis
be a sweaty trucker, Tommo.
They probably never wash.
It'll be like a cheese factory
down there.
I do have taste, love. Standards.
Thank you very much, Vincent.
Thank you very much.
Dick head.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, fuck!
Lost my fucking shoe there.
Help me find it.
Send them a message.
Tell them we're cracking on. They'll
have to meet us there. Sugar.
I don't like this.
My Cardi would never
switch his phone off.
- Yeah, but what else can we do?
- I don't know.
But he's gonna be lost
without his mammy.
He's like a small boy
needing the nipple.
A soft ample breast of affection.
- Hiyah, love. What's your name?
- Leo.
Hiyah, Leo.
- Your daddy's very handsome.
- (DADDY CHUCKLES)
- For Pete's sake. Come on, B.
- Get off!
I bet, since you arrived,
you've stopped all your daddy's fun,
and I bet your daddy hasn't had any
bouncy bounce in a long, long time.
Hey, lady!
If I could just borrow your daddy,
would that be alright?
- We're really sorry about this.
- Get off me!
Who the hell are you?
You've got a lovely husband.
Five minutes.
Five minutes, let me go!
- Cut his dick off.
- No! No! No! No!
It's McCann's sentencing today.
Fucking shitting myself.
If he don't get sent down,
he'll come for us, you know.
Might have to come and live out here.
Dick head.
Come on. They've got him on five
counts. Surely a couple must stick.
What's that noise?
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(HORN TOOTS)
Alright. How's it going?
Stop you there. Where's he going?
What's he doing?
Just hang on. Hang on.
So sorry, mate.
I'm so sorry to stop you like this.
Just turn off the-
Turn it off with the screwdriver,
why not?
Listen, we got ourselves in a right jam.
We got stuck in a bridge, you see.
We're looking for a farm,
so that maybe a tractor,
a bit of a tow situation going on.
You know what I mean?
Can you tell us where
the farm is, please?
Well, as it happens, gentlemen
..this is your lucky day
..because I live up
at the old farmhouse.
- That's amazing. Thank God for that.
- Have you got a tractor?
(HESITANTLY) Yes.
Could you help pull us out
with said tractor, do you think?
I can, on two conditions.
You must remove your shoes before
entering my vehicle,
and two, I have a small job to attend.
OK. I'm just-
Just out of interest, I just wonder
how long that's gonna take, that job?
No more than 11 minutes.
Outstanding. Guys, get in the car.
- Can I go in front?
- No.
Knobhead.
Man, thanks for picking us up.
My name's Vinnie,
That's Dylan Ey up man.
- Ashley, and that's Cardi.
- Hiyah.
I'm Eric, Eric Nosh.
Don't worry. I've heard all the jokes.
(CHUCKLING)
Blowjob jokes your whole life.
What? (SNORTS)
No food.
Oh, right, yeah. OK, sorry.
A-ha! (PULLS HANDBRAKE)
Here's my little friend.
DYLAN: What's he doing?
VINNIE: He's got an imaginary friend,
this man.
CARDI: I hope he's not a serial killer.
Serial killers don't wear crocks, man.
That's not the fashion
of a serial killer.
- There it is. Dead fox.
- Still quite fresh.
Have you all eaten?
(BOOT SQUEAKS, THUDS)
(GROANS)
(TENSE FOREBODING MUSIC)
Hey, Cardi stop freaking out.
You've watched too many movies.
What if he comes back with an axe?
He's an old man.
We could overpower him easy.
- Not if he's got a gun.
- He had a fucking axe a second ago.
- What if he's got both.
- What if these teas are drugged?
You've eaten enough of his biscuits,
haven't you, Cardi?
Hey, hey, oi!
Give over now.
He's just a bloke who's gonna put his
fucking boots on and give us a tow.
Yeah, human tow.
Right then, that's the footwear
situation amended. How's the tea?
- Good. Yeah.
- Good. Fantastic.
I brought you these.
That's good of ya.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- It's a crock and a pink sock.
- Yeah.
Just admiring your stu-
your stuffed animal.
Do you do a bit of taxidermy?
Yes, it's a hobby of mine.
Hence the fox.
Ah, he doesn't eat them.
You don't eat roadkill, do ya?
- Absolutely. I eat them.
- You eat them? Yeah.
Follow me.
ERIC: A barn owl, that's a lovely bird.
Sparrow hawk.
That one flew into the window.
Hedgehog surprisingly nutty.
Polecat, odd spongy texture. Ugh!
Look at that deer.
Testies and his penis.
Can you eat a penis, can you?
- You can eat penis, certainly.
- Right
- Tends to be a tad grisly, but we persevere.
- Good on ya.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So as you can see.
We shagged the fucking
thing into the bridge.
You have got yourselves in a fix.
Yes we do. Could you unfix us, please?
Attach this to your van. Not the bumper.
Obviously. You know what I mean.
He thinks were a bunch
of lemon heads, this lad.
Look at this now. Bumper straight away.
What you doing there, you?
That's the fucking bumper.
Give it to me. Your over tired.
Yeah, that'll do it.
Oh, fuck a duck.
Fuck me. Look at the state of that.
I assume you have yourselves a spare.
No.
I do have a friend.
Human or animal?
Very human - Walter.
He runs a garage, but it's, er,
several miles away, I'm afraid.
Right. How long do you think it'd
take Walter to get here with a spare?
He usually takes a nap around
this time, as he only has one leg.
Of course he does.
Best course of action -
come back to mine,
spot of dinner, while we wait.
- Yes?
- Yes.
- What?
- Shit. Why?
I don't know why I said it, I
panicked. I just panicked guys.
For fuck me. Just get in
the back of the trailer.
BABS: You'd love it if I was a
stranger and I was coming on to you.
- He'd think you were a tart.
- A tart is it? Stripper.
Yes tart it is. And it's ex-stripper.
Twat. Twat is it?
Yes, it is twat. Welsh. Tart.
Fucking stop it! Stop it!
(HORN BLARES, TYRES SCREECH)
(SIREN BLARES)
Oh, cops!
Oh, hey-aw! That's bad.
You just please tell me that
you are taxed and insured.
- Er, not exactly, no.
- (SIREN BLARING)
- Meaning?
- Er, not at all.
I told you so many fucking times.
You need to be taxed and insured!
Will one of you please
just swap places with me,
because as it happens, I also
don't have a driver's license.
(GROANS)
Leave this to me.
There's not a cop in the world
that can resist the Irish charm.
What seems to be the officer, problem?
- This your vehicle, madam?
- It not, actually, no.
We borrowed it off a friend,
because this lady here
is getting married tomorrow
in Merthyr Tydil,
and we have to get there as a
great matter of great urgency.
- Love your uniform.
- Thanks.
I used to go to place like that,
you know,
people dressing up as a doctors, cops.
Firemen were my faves.
Right. Out of the vehicle, please.
All of you.
- Open the back please.
- Fine.
What we got going on in here, then?
- It's a mobile erotic parlour, innit?
- You making pornography?
No, no, no!
Nothing like that, sweetheart.
No. No. No. No. I have done
the porn, Eager Beavers 23.
Very successful series, it was, too.
It went downhill, though,
after I'd seen Eager Beavers 29.
But very popular out there.
Very, very popular.
I assume this is in no way
an illegal endeavour?
Absolutely not.
(SHE GRUNTS)
Jesus! Oi!
- Wait here.
- Oi!
What the fuck did she do that for?
Right, fuck it. Lets get off.
Let's get off.
Go on, get in, get in the van!
Look this is getting
fucking stupid, this is.
I mean, for crying out loud,
we've been here bloody hours now.
If I don't get to that caravan park,
by tomorrow,
she could've bloody gone.
Do you know what I mean?
I don't think he rang anyone.
I don't think there even is a Walter.
Christ. Just give over with that, Cardi.
- I wish my wife Carol was here.
- Wife Carol.
You're with your mates!
Yeah, I am,
and I'm stuck outside a farmhouse
in the middle of f-fucking nowhere,
waiting for a one legged mechanic
with a weirdo that eats f-fox bollocks!
Oi. You're working yourself up dude.
He doesn't eat fox bol-
Oh, fucking hell!
You alright?
Dinner almost ready, gentlemen.
If you'd like to wash your hands.
Here we go.
Delicious.
I'm really sorry to ask this,
but is your friend gonna be much-
- Is he gonna be much longer or?
- Shouldn't be.
I asked him to bring back
one or two items he'd borrowed,
so he may be gathering those.
Right then.
Potatoes, broccoli, carrots and
..fox stew.
The intestines are chargrilled
with garlic and onion.
Chopped chervil, star anise, pine nuts.
Have you been doing this long, then,
the eating of the roadkill?
Only since my girlfriend left.
Didn't eat her, did you?
No. You three get started.
- I've saved the best part for you.
- I can see that. What's going on?
- The head.
- Ooh. Ooh. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
(CONFUSED GRUNTING)
I-I'm not a-It's-
I'm just not a big eater.
Never have been.
Cardi, fucking hell. Give him a head.
No. No. I just smoke.
Nonsense.
Get stuck in there, Vin. Yum. Yum.
If you cut straight in here,
you can get to the brains.
(PLEADINGLY) Why?
- Delicacy.
- Is it?
Trouble is, they sometimes
liquify and bubble out.
(BURPS)
You know, I'm looking at this lad 'ere.
He-he's still gotten the
tongue in there, ain't he?
- Don't you want it?
- No.
That's the best bit.
He's gonna eat it.
In. In it goes, just straight in.
I've gotta tell you, this is
the most mental fucking meal
I think I've ever experienced.
Thank you.
I have eaten the tongues of
almost every animal you can think of
and they all taste spectacular.
But they say the best by far
..is human tongue. (GAGS)
That's the one I'd really like to try.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Fucking hell!
So. That'll be Walter.
(RELIEVED SIGHS)
Handsome, isn't he?
- Right! Five minutes, regroup.
- Me nerves are fucking frazzled.
Right. I'd just like to take a
moment to assess where we are.
We've lost the bride,
of the wedding we are attending.
And the half our party have
gone AWOL in a Bedford Rascal.
We are, as the Welsh would say,
"cachu hwch."
- What does that mean?
- Absolutely, fucked up the arse, mate.
- Do you think we should call her?
- No!
No. No. No. Were not calling her.
If she's being nicked and we call
her, then the police get our number.
Then before we know it,
they're sweeping in, arresting us,
before we've had a chance
to finish our fucking pints.
Alright, so what we gonna do?
Well, thank you for asking, JJ.
Snippy. (SNIFFS)
Right, three options.
Option A - (CLEARS THROAT)
We suck it all off.
We fuck off home on the train,
and I come back up later
when the heat as died down
to collect the truck.
Option B - We call Ringo,
explain what's happened
and let the chips fall
wherever they may.
I don't like that one.
- Same.
- And three?
It's c, in't it?
It's a, b, c.
It's not a, b, fucking three. Jesus.
- Fucking c, then.
- You know what she means
Alright, C - Ahem. And this one
happens to be my preferred option.
We get another round of drinks in,
snort a few trunkie lines of Gak.
What?
Let the good times roll,
knees up mother brown
and fuck it all off till tomorrow.
ALL: C! (CHEERING)
- Fuck. There's no fucking tyre.
- What's he handing to him?
- Oh dude, that's a-that's a-
- An industrial tree cutter.
They're gonna eat us.
No. No. There's four of us
and two of them.
One of them has a fake leg.
(ALL GASP)
- Fucking hell!
- Oh, fuck me!
Alright, that's terrifying.
Listen, listen, listen.
Alright, it's like fucking Deliverance.
We've got to get out of here
right the fuck now.
What we do?
- Err Back way. Back way.
- We'll go the back way, then.
Fuck. It's fucking locked.
Bollocks! Kick it down!
You need to kick it!
(DOOR CRASHES)
(EVIL LAUGH) Dude has lost his shoe.
Dude, get out of the fucking way.
- Oh, dude, check all this shit out.
- They are sick.
Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
Where the fuck is Cardi?
- Back in. Cardi. Cardi. Cardi.
- Puffins!
Put it down. Get the
fuck out of here, man.
Come on!
- Wait! Let's go this way.
- Oh!
Get on the bike. Get on the bike.
Has it got keys?
(SHOUTING OVER EACH OTHER)
What on earth!
Hey! Stop! Thieves!
- Hey, what about the Rascal?
- We'll get it on the way back.
DYLAN:
Oh, stop the bike. Got a signal.
Well in, gentlemen! Well in. Fuck me!
Fix-a-flat liquid.
Maybe he was gonna fix the tyre.
About fucking time, some signal.
Right, get in touch
with the others, yeah?
Find out where the fuck they are.
Get a sat-nav as well.
For crying out loud, were not
fucking around now, alright?
We're going straight to fucking Wales.
Piss farting around. Here, I
got a voicemail here of Ringo.
Alright, Vin? Got a message from Babs.
Saying she can't make the wedding,
and you and Tommo are to blame.
For fuck sake man! Listen,
if she's not there tomorrow,
I'll get the MacDonaghs to cut your
fucking balls off, you daft twat.
Capisce? You piece of shit.
Fuck!
VINNIE: I gave you one fucking job!
One fucking job!
To get fucking Babs to Wales, that
was it! Why did she hit a copper?
- Why? Why?
- Because she's a crazy fucking bitch!
Sweetheart, that why- And now she's
in some fucking jail cell somewhere
and frankly, good fucking riddance.
It's not good riddance, it's bad!
Fucking MacDonagh's are
gonna cut our dicks off.
What's all this shit, dude? Why you
fucking partying, pizza everywhere?
Honestly, dude.
The only reason I'm doing this,
is because I wanna find
Erin and my boy, you know?
The last thing I wanna do is
run around the Welsh countryside
looking for a fucking orange
nymphomaniac.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
Come here, sweetheart, come here.
That's it. It's alright, baby.
(LIPS FLAPPING)
- Hey.
- Hmm?
- Tell me this, alright.
- Hmm?
If we were fucking now, in here,
would that not be very kinky?
Yeah?
You ruin things, dude.
(CLAMOUR OUTSIDE)
Oh, fuck me. Hey, hey!
- What's going on?
- McCann got life!
Fucking life, Vin.
Guilty on all charges.
It's over! It's fucking over!
(CHEERING, LAUGHING)
(CHANTING)
(SNORING)
ASH: Feels good, doesn't it, Vin?
Just freedom.
Back to the way we were.
Honestly, I miss Cardi, though.
My best mate, and now just-
Hey, he's still your best mate, Ash.
Yeah. My sister's stole him
away from me, you know.
Isn't that mad?
My own sister stole
my best mate away from me.
Give over.
Look, it happens, man.
People fall for one another.
It's what happens.
We can't help but think
about them all the time.
They're the only person
you want to be with.
But that doesn't mean that he
doesn't love his mate, you know.
- He needs ya.
- Yeah
- Definitely.
- Hmm, definitely.
What time is it?
Oh, fuck me.
There's no point.
I'm never gonna fall asleep.
(GROANS)
It's been nice partying
about the McCann thing.
But fuck me, dude.
I just want to get to
that fucking trailer park.
Well, go, then.
I swear to God.
Whinging about it. Just go.
Jump on that fucking motorcycle
out there a go immediately.
- But Babs and
- We'll sort Babs out.
Don't worry about that. Just go.
I'm only gonna say it once.
Just GO, will you?
Alright, man. Give us me coat.
Try not slam that door, will you?
- (SHOUTS) You what?
- (DOOR SLAMS) Don't slam the
I would have given you All of my heart
But there's someone
Who's torn it apart
Baby I'll try to love again
But I know
The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes
To being lucky he's cursed
That's how I know ♪
(RATTLING)
Dude, I'm really sorry
to bother you, man.
Could you just quickly switch the
pumps on for me, like a good'en?
Not open till ten.
Oh, fucking hell, man.
You could be a fucking hero.
Stop sweeping the floor and
just come over to me one sec.
Comes a time in everyman's life,
where he has to step up,
and turn the pumps on
before they're due.
Not open till ten.
Dude, you're a fucking arsehole,
and you're a turd.
You're a turd and a dickhead.
Yeah, you are.
I'm taking this bike.
I'm gonna take your bike.
You've brought this on yourself.
You forgot to put the padlock
on the outside like a fucking Rita.
- See you later.
- Oi, get back here!
- That's smart. Ready? Let's go.
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Annie.
- See ya.
Just let me do the talking.
Let me do the talking.
Fucking hell.
(AUTHORITATIVELY) Ahem! I called earlier.
I'm looking for Barbara Speed!
Yes, we're her solicitors,
and I want to tell you now
she's been the victim
of overzealous policing,
(LOUDER) and she should not be here
cage-ed like a common criminal.
We released her 30 minutes ago
with a warning.
- Righto.
- Good.
As well you should.
(CHAIR CLATTERS)
It's his first day.
Listen to the girl
As she takes on half the world
Moving up and so alive ♪
- What are you doing?
- Digging a hole with a stick.
Digging a hole with a stick.
Here. I nicked that. Do you want it?
Don't fall off. Don't tell
anyone where you got it.
You alright, love? Sorry to bother you.
Erin Croft, I'm looking for her.
She's got a little lad called Tyler.
Is she around here?
She's in number 35 down the bottom.
Thank God for that.
You are a bloody angel.
- Or she was. Think she's moving on.
- Oh, fuck me.
Erin?
Erin?
Erin, if you're in there,
and you can hear me,
I'm fucking sorry I've come. I just-
I didn't know what to do.
I-I love you, and I love Tyler.
McCann's gone.
He's been sent down.
So you don't have to worry about
all them threats he was making.
He's gone for a long time.
You took my boy away from me
..without saying goodbye.
Another ten minutes and
I'd-I'd have been gone.
Where's Tyler?
He's just saying goodbye
to a few of his mates.
So he's-he's definitely
gone down, McCann?
Yeah. Life sentence. He gone.
Thank God.
(VIN CHUCKLING)
- Vin?
- Hmm?
I'm planning on a new life,
away from Hawley.
Hey, you don't have to now,
if you don't want.
You're safe now. He's gone.
You know I fucking love you
and I love that boy.
I need you near me.
Can't just run away from your
friends. You've got a life there.
- Have I?
- Yeah.
Look, I know, I know you wanna go.
I know you wanna leave one day.
Maybe just come back for a little bit.
(LAUGHING, INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Yeah!
Don't look back into the sun
Well, you know That the time has come
And they said it would
Never come for you
Ah-ah-ah oh
Oh, my friend, you haven't changed
You're looking rough
And living strange
And I know ♪
I love him so much.
I am never cheating on him again.
I just want to be in Ringo's arms
and never ever let go.
Yeah, and maybe, er, lay off
the prawn cocktail as well, eh?
It was shrimp!
(LAUGHTER)
Hey up, guys! Look who it is!
(CHEERING)
Where is he? Come here!
- Hey.
- Hey.
I've missed you.
Come here. Good to see ya.
Good to see you. Aww, little man.
And I need you now tonight
And I need you ♪
I love you so much.
(BABS MOANING)
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it
To the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow
On me all of the time ♪
You made it then, Vincent.
Jeez! You just fucking ruin everything.
I know, love. Great news about McCann.
Yeah, it is, actually.
You're now free to sell your weed
without fear or torment.
Good for you, Vincent, good for you.
Just so long as no one finds out
your new grow is in the basement
of the Rat and Cutter.
(MEN WHOOPING)
- Oh! Now, Davey
- Too late, Vincent.
- What the fuck are you-
- It's all mine now.
Shit!
- Now, now, let's not spoil the occasion.
- Yeah.
We'll talk next week.
I've actually got a
little proposal for you.
I can give you the answer now, lad's.
It's a no.
We'll see, sweetheart. (CHUCKLES)
- We'll see.
- Hmm.
Right set of wanking
spanners on you, Bazz.
Fucking pint full of dicks.
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong
Together we can take it
To the end of the line ♪
Get a winning dog, win thousands.
DAN: Say hello to Arson Fire.
(SCREAMING, YELLING)
That's not good.
Please tell me you're not getting
involved with the MacDonagh's.
Towels off.
- VIN: The dog found it.
- That's severed.
Say hello to my little friend.
It's my birthday!
Trapped in an undertaker's freezer.
Don't panic.
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
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