Call Me Fitz (2010) s04e01 Episode Script

Previously on Call Me Fitz Why would you resent me? Ally, we agreed *** to see my wee-wee.
We're always good business partners, lady.
- ***.
- Nightmare marriage.
Goddamn geniuses when it came to ***.
Congratulations, Mr.
Mayor.
What are you gonna do now? Whatever the fuck I want.
Oh, God.
She is all your now.
I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I am having this baby.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Oh, my God! Hello? Get out of my life, you fucking lo-o-o-o-o-ser! I have to get the dealership back from those two ***.
I want to buy my dealership back.
- The *** have tactical advantage.
- Sign! Give me a chance, a chance to be the most attentive father in the world! Don't forget your friends on the air, ***.
The only way you could beat the highest bidder is by combining all.
In business with him? No fucking way.
It's me.
Uh Listen, I'm gonna be a little bit late for our future.
They're gonna take me to the Home World now.
I did it.
I own this place now! - ***.
- Good.
Good hustle.
Come on now, come on, one more! - He's a Fitzpatrick! - Oh, fuck Your passports, birth certificates, drivers licenses and library cards.
Oh, and I'm also gonna need some teeth.
Your daddy is not a loser.
I am.
*** You know what, buddy? With that money we can build a place twice this size.
Ring-a-ding-ding! From the dawn of time, Fitzpatrick's have always sold cars.
We've also been tax cheats.
Sexual mavericks.
Reverse cowgirl? That was us.
Crack-addicted circus clowns.
Hell, my second cousin once fucked a rhino, and no, that's not a metaphor.
Only one skill we Fitzes never mastered was that of 'family man.
' And I, Richard Fitzpatrick, sure as shit am not gonna break with tradition now.
Fuck man, not the Hugo Boss! Jesus.
How do you plead to the charges of Jail break, arson, insurance fraud, kidnapping, narcotics use and chronic and continued civil disobedience.
Not guilty! Not guilty! Guilty! Yes he, he is guilty.
As sin.
Stop typing.
Charges dismissed.
Sayonara, shitbags.
I got cars to sell.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, you're letting my dickwit brother go? Listen, Ms.
Aiding-and-abetting- a-prison-break, your brother bankrupted the city with his bogus run for office.
I'm not spending another dime on the Fitzpatricks.
Okay, A.
I didn't vote for him and 2.
they weren't real prisoners, so it wasn't a real prison break, which means I am not a real motherfucking aider and abetter, you nappy-haired Nazi bitch! Okay, maybe one more dime.
Wait, wait, no, no, no, no? Hands behind your back.
Oh, come on! Oh, get your hands off of me! Or at least put them in the right fucking pl-! No, get them off of me! C'mon, Your Honor.
Joyce.
I'm beggin' ya.
One night's sleep in lockup, that's all I'm asking.
This little fucker parties harder than I do.
You got yourself a life sentence the second you whipped your dick out of your pants, Fitzpatrick.
There's no escaping parenthood.
Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd'a won by a mile Without you Oh life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man With out you Oh, Fuck.
Fuck! Shut up, shut up! FUCK! Oh ya, that feels good doesn't it.
Yeah, Fitzey likes that sometimes too.
OK.
Aww, who's a free daddy? Congratulations! Go choke on a dick Larry.
Um, no.
But I will take this as a sign - nay, a golden opportunity - to help Richard Fitzpatrick become the first responsible father on the Fitzpatrick family tree.
Ta-dah.
Baby book.
Dumbass, the baby can't read yet.
Can he? I'm making a Fitzpatrick memory book.
Oh and look, I discovered a single sprout of goodness.
Yeah, Grandma Alice.
See she's got a spotless driving record.
Good teeth.
And just check out this AA pin on her lapel and she didn't even drink! Yeah.
She's a real keeper.
Disappeared before family dinner and never came back.
Well perhaps she'll return.
You know maybe, maybe she went on a safari because the Fitzpatricks were renowned animal lovers! Look a Rhino! Fuck off, dick cheese! Richard, don't you see? Alice is genetic proof that there is good in this family.
It's someone for the baby to look up to.
Where are you going? My happy place, Larry.
Bottom of a martini glass.
You can't take a baby into a bar.
Oh, I think generations of Fitzpatricks would call bullshit.
Richard! There's a baby, baby! OH RICHARD! Oh, hey, little buddy- AGGGGHHHH!!! Arson? Fraud?! Your underwriter can kiss my hairy Irish ass.
And then he can kiss it again! So, Mr.
F? Did we get the SL 12000 or should we get the 15? You'll get shit and love it! Until I get to the bottom of who's trying to fuck Ken Fitzpatrick.
You are an attractive man.
No, you retarded bongmonkey.
First they sabotaged our insurance claim, now they outbid us on the new fleet.
Someone's trying to bring us down.
You mean down, down? 'Cause Joshy like.
Has your ass grown teeth? Hold my calls.
I got a meeting with a bottle of bourbon.
Woah woah woah, ah no, I'm the mechanic.
Mechanic? You're nothing without Fitzpatrick Motors.
Were nothing without Fitzpatrick Motors.
This family wouldn't exist without Fitzpatrick fucking Motors.
So, if I'm not the mechanic then Who am I? K, that didn't help.
now I really don't remember.
Really? Fuck! Get your hands off! Hey, you wanna hold my kid? How did he find us!? I don't know cousin.
It's not as if we have a giant beacon of sin on our roof.
Well Josh promised that our top secret location would be -top secret.
Cousin, we are a mere three blocks from our previous domicile.
It doesn't even matter.
With this increase in facial hair and the wearing of these casual slacks, no one will be able to recognize us.
We will kill the Western infidel with liver failure.
One half-price bourbon shot a time.
Only between the hours of four and five pm.
The hour of happiness, that is our greatest weapon! Would your bald friend there like a drink? Yeah sure, make it a triple.
It is a shame that the trafficking of babies is illegal in this country of mine, which I have always lived.
What did you just say? Ahhh- Two for one bourbon shots.
Babies drink free.
No, no, that thing about selling kid's.
White ones used to fetch a very good price, a very good price indeed, they did.
Ya, that's it, if I get caught trying to sell you, child services will be all over me, you'll go to some do-gooder and Fitzy's back in action.
He did not recognize us.
Not a chance.
Not a chance.
What are you so stressed out about? What am I? A mechanic? A man? I always wanted to be a smurf.
Hey Josh, Josh, say a guy wanted to get caught trying to sell a kid You can't sell your baby! Can you swap him for drugs? Yes, yes you can.
Good.
Go get your stash, and flag down a cop.
Flag down my stash, get a cop.
On it! Officer! Over here! Hey! Officer! Oh Richard, can you settle a disagreement? This nice lady clearly needs a car, but seems to think that she doesn't.
Kooky, eh? I'm just browsing, actually.
I really should be going.
Oh my gosh, is he yours? Let me see the little guy.
Ha ha ha - free with every purchase.
Richard is a single father.
The most loving single father on dealership row.
A real family man.
Hi, handsome boy.
You have got beautiful eyes, just like your daddy.
Hi.
Hi there.
Hello cutie pie.
Aww, big smiles.
( Let it be dear Lord ) ( Let it beeee ) ( Just a closer walk with the-eeee ) Well that was magic.
Baby's first sale.
And possibly a violation of child labour laws.
What's one thing no other dealer on this strip has? Drug addiction and a Napoleon complex? Fresh meat, face-vagina.
We're re-branding.
"Fitzpatrick Family Motors.
" Kid's a shit-sack, but he can sling tin.
Yay, Daddy! Five.
I got two kilos of biker meth.
Is that enough to buy the baby? Really, Fitzpatrick? You have the right to shut the fuck up baby trafficker.
Ya! I got the kid.
Be careful with the baby.
Fuck.
Spread em like you like it.
Douche bag.
Joyce, may I call you Joyce? No.
Joyce, this is not what it looks like.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick wasn't trying to sell his only child for street drugs? Yep, it is what it looks like.
It wasn't real, I was just joking around with my friend.
One Joshua McTaggart, known drug dealer, military deserter - And murderer! A complete fabrication of charges and waste of municipal time.
Is that a perm? Ma'am, Richard's little joke was just an attempt to find the baby a happy and stable home.
Which he is now willing to provide.
So now you want the kid? Yeah.
What's your deal, Fitzpatrick? C'mon, your honor.
The babies mother abandoned the little guy.
Get back here.
We're doing the best we can.
I'm all he has.
I am his home.
I'm going to call bullshit on that.
Bull-true! Okay, I'll send a case worker for a home visit today.
You can prove this baby has a stable and loving family environment.
You bet your sweet ass he does.
Or my name isn't Richard Fucking Fitzpatrick.
His middle name is actually Lance.
Ha ha ha.
Did you know that? Lance.
Richard, Grandma Alice would be proud.
Yeah? Where's the ho-bag now that I need some babysitting? Josh, go collect a bunch of crap the babies going to need in its place where a baby sleeps.
A spaceship? Yeah, whatever.
Just make sure it's not pink.
On it! Richard, as much as I like to be the voice of optimism, where are we supposed to find a house with no money, no one to vouch for us and -- No, no, dear God, please no! Dream on.
Fuck, Mom.
I gotta find a home for the kid by four, or Child Services is going to take him away.
Sweet.
I used to have to pay to get you brats off my hands.
It's not even your fucking house.
Grandma Alice ever comes by, I'll be sure to thank her for the Social Security checks.
Mrs.
Fitzpatrick, Richard does not want the baby to be taken away.
He's attempting to follow the example of Grandma Alice, and be a family man.
Oh, Alice.
Always going on about her pills.
Heart condition this, heart condition that - if it weren't for the free digs, I'd track her down and I'd kill her myself.
I got to get the dealership back on track, and this kid.
He's our angle.
What's my cut? One helping of tender heart felt knowledge that you didn't ruin another Fitzpatrick child's life! Suck it, stretch.
Two hits of crank and some lip balm? Fine.
Ah, homey.
What the fuck is he doing here?! Ah, shit showed up with a sob story, a forty of scotch and a Viagra prescription.
Thinks somebody's trying to sabotage the new dealership.
You swore you wouldn't talk to him again after the church scam.
Well at least someone appreciates my assets.
Well, a kindly grandpa would reflect well with child services.
Fine.
Don't just stand there, grab a leg! Take him, TAKE HIM! Okay, here we go, Come on old man.
Oh fuck he's heavy.
It's right up there.
Eh Fuck! Meghan was always in charge of sobering up the old man.
You were my specialty.
Ah, that's nice.
A mother-son memory! Careful, the book can cause nosebleeds.
What? Whoa-ha! Uncle Josh to the rescue.
Not a zombie, what's up, Mrs.
F.
Oh great.
Just like when you were a kid.
Inviting every degenerate in the neighborhood to come and eat our food.
If by food, you mean cigarettes and diet pills.
Alright, you keep an eye on the kid.
And you, put on some fucking clothes Grandma! Don't you ever call me that.
Mama's got a big stick.
Do you have a big stick? Oh yes! Get in.
Fuck off.
I think I have a shot with my guard, and if he sees me talking to you, I'm going to be back on laundry duty.
I need to sober up Dad, and you're the only one who knows how.
Why should I tell you? So I won't leave you here in prison to rot after the Botox wears off? Maybe I like it here.
Huh? Maybe these people accept me for who I am.
Mika.
Latisha.
Mo-Reen.
They're more of a family than you and Mom and Dad will ever be.
Except for the hep-C and crabs.
Come on Meghan! I'll sign you out for the day.
I'll even spring for that cheese that you like.
A day?! I'm eligible for house arrest.
If you supervise my release I'll get one of those awesome ankle bracelet monitor thingy's.
And then maybe I'll think about helping you wake Daddy up.
But I still want the cheese.
Fuck! Take it or leave it bro.
I love it here.
Ok, as requested: duct tape, four C-cell batteries, tinfoil and one vodka cooler Though why he needs more alcohol, I'll never know.
The cooler's for me, idiot.
Oh.
Now get out! I need space to work my magic! Got it.
God! I love you, Daddy, and I will forever and ever and ever.
AGHHHHHH!!!!!! Why should I help you? I'm the one getting fucked here.
Stop looking at me, homo.
Yeah, what's the plan, asshole? You promised me cheese.
Whoa-whoa-whoa! How come she get's cheese and we don't? You know, I have company coming here at five.
No spectators, if you know what I mean.
We'll see about that.
Was that spectator thing towards me? He told me to come over.
Shut your fucking mouth! I just want my cheese! Ugh.
I need a drink.
You don't know how to be a family.
You couldn't find your dick with two hands.
Give it up Larry.
You want to know what I know, mister? If I knew what you knew, don't you think I'd already fucking know it? Fair enough, but what I know is this family is like a used car.
Yeah, it's an odd assortment of rusty, broken parts, but when you put it together, it's got the potential to drive.
Until the warranty runs out.
Not my problem.
It's a new era, Richard.
Fitzpatrick Family Motors.
It's what you do.
It's what you all do.
You sell cars.
And you are going to continue that legacy or my name is not - Shut the fuck up - - Larry.
Attention! Listen to the cockswab.
Josh, do you have anything that can make his house smell a little less illegal? Ohhh.
Aurora Indica.
Crossed with Afghan buds and other Indica strains.
Yes, yes.
I've a California Skunk that can neutralize the smell while simultaneously providing a pleasant high.
Huh, how domestic of you.
That's it! I'm a domestic god.
You.
Put on some clothes.
Yeah! I found this twinset and string of pearls I took the liberty of laying out for you.
Those are my anal beads.
And you.
Focus on what's really important here.
Cold.
Hard.
Cash.
I can get behind that.
Okay, okay, okay, what about me, what do I get? Oh yes, you are actually welcome to leave.
Oh that's funny! Oh, what's that? Oh, it's just the sound of my ankle monitor - Ah! Look, Mom.
King Kong cock.
Josh? Yeah.
Grab a hold.
Oh oh oh oh oh oh! Its ok its ok its ok.
Give the kid to Meghan.
There you go.
Can you get that kid to shut up? Jesus.
Oh the book.
About face! Ok, good good good.
Jesus, sit still, will you old man? I'll sit still when you blow me.
It feels like I got a SCUD missile in my pants.
I'll tell them you love kids.
No no no.
Perhaps not that, not that! OK, here we go.
So we're a fucking family.
Now what? A few words.
We've finally come together to give this baby a home and - And exploit his ass to sell cars.
Solidarity! Grandma Alice, when we find you, and bring you home, you will be proud.
Oi Oh a camera! Camera, there must be one somewhere.
Stay, Cheese! I'll check the basement.
Take him! It's OK, come here buddy.
I art weak but thou art strong Jesus keep me from all wrong I'll be satisfied as long As I walk let me walk close to thee Just a closer walk with thee Grant it Jesus is my plea Daily walking close to thee Let it be, dear Lord, let it be Grandma Alice! Let it be dear Lord Let it be Well, shockingly, everything seems to be in order.
I try and I try and I try and I give and I give and I give.
What do you want from Larry? Do you want my tie, here you go, it's my favorite tie.
What do you want? Do you want my shirt off my back huh? Oh God, Grandma Alice was the last good Fitzpatrick and you left her in the basement! In the basement! Oh, Oh God! There's a basement? I'm sorry baby with no name.
There's no goodness here.
What do you want from Larry? There is no goodness here.
Ahhh! NO GOODNESS HERE! Ahhhh! What do you want? That guy live here? No.
Ah.
We'll see you next week.
Ah, what do you mean next week? Court-ordered visits for the first six months, Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
All Fitzpatricks in the same home, so we can keep an eye on you.
Oh, and ah, Judge Joyce - sends her best.