Catastrophe (2015) s04e01 Episode Script

Hey.
Sir, your wife is very drunk.
We've had to remove her from our establishment, so now she's on the streets, like rubbish.
- Jesus! Fucking open your eyes! - (HORN BLARES) Oh, my God! (TYRES SQUEAL) Oh, my God, Rob! They're gonna give me a breathalyser.
What What? I'm not gonna pass it.
What? (HE SOBS) I'm sorry! (SIREN WAILS) Your offence showed brazen disregard for the safety of others.
While you claim custody would be distressing for you, incarceration is the only appropriate response.
Your sentence is one of six months' imprisonment.
You may go down.
(MURMUR OF CONVERSATION) Judge Hickey will preside in the case of Robert Norris You're up.
Go on! the Road Traffic Act 1991.
- Zip your fly.
- What? - Your fly's undone.
Zip your fly.
- OK, no, it's no problem.
Following Mr Norris's arrest, blood was taken, and he was found to be 40 milligrams over the limit, - the limit being 80.
- Mr Norris? - Judge Hickey.
- Call me "sir".
We're not in Kansas.
Sir Hickey, when I was six years old, I watched my father.
We don't have time for your autobiography, Mr Norris.
Right.
May I approach the bench? I don't see a bench.
OK.
I accept full responsibility for my misdemeanour crime.
Er, but this incident was entirely out of character for me.
I was in a very difficult place emotionally, Your Honour, sir, as it had not been long since I found out that, er, my wife had masturbated off a young student, a college boy, on the roof of a nightclub.
I'm sorry.
I just thought if I could deflect some of the stink onto you, 300 years ago, if you'd have pulled that crap, I'm the one who would've been sent down, with a scarlet letter on me.
300 years ago you were SUPPOSED to drive drunk.
- What, and you're Muireann? - You're Muireann.
Do you wanna drive? Oh, shit, sorry.
Forgot.
Not allowed to, because you're a drunk driver and a fugitive.
I'm not a fugitive.
I turned myself in! (SHE LAUGHS) You didn't turn yourself in! If you could've run away from the scene of the accident, I'm a hundred percent confident you would've.
You wish you were a fugitive.
You were arrested, so you're a criminal.
A criminal in a neck brace.
What a fucking catch! I mean, I feel like I'm under surveillance with Sharon now.
You know.
It's, like, I never had much privacy before, - but now it's, like, Stasi level.
- What's Stasi? - East German secret police.
- Well, at least she gives a shit.
Most women would've flown the coop after that stunt.
That's true.
But it's still menacing.
And you haven't drunk since? - No.
- Why not? What's changed, other than that pussy magnet round your neck? Honestly, the only thing that's changed is that I now know that my drinking could kill someone other than myself.
I mean, I didn't care if I got hurt, but I don't wanna kill any civilian bystanders or my kids.
You might not have cared if you'd got hurt, but did you think about how lonely I'd have been without you, you fat cunt? Can we talk about anything other than me? With pleasure.
Let's talk about me.
How's your new girlfriend? Oh, I dunno, mate.
It's moving at warp speed over here.
She wants to move in.
Got us a family membership at the gym, which was, like, "Whoa, there, Nelly!" What's her name? - Nelly.
- Really? No, it's Tanya.
Hey, do you wanna meet her? - What you doing this weekend? - I have community service for the next 215 weekends, in a fucking charity shop.
Christ.
It's humiliating.
Yeah.
It's probably less humiliating than having to ask a judge's permission to go to your wife's funeral because you backed over her in the driveway.
- Yeah.
- OK.
Have a great weekend.
(HORN BLARES) - How'd you even know I was here? - You told me.
It was in your calendar.
I forget.
Who cares? Honey, I'm on probation from the state, and they're doing a pretty good job.
I'm accounted for.
You need to stop following me.
Don't say it like that, like I'm obsessed with you or something.
This isn't Fatal Attraction.
There's 25 pubs between here and our house that I can't trust you to walk past because you're a secret alcoholic.
I'm not a secret alcoholic.
I told you that the night we met.
OK, then.
A lying alcoholic.
This is inconvenient for me too, you know.
Seriously, why are there so many pubs around here? Don't they have zoning laws? It's, like, pub, JD Sports, pub, bike shop, pub, William Hill, pub, Pret, pub, Pret, Pret, pub, Pret So, how did you guys get into the whole cerebral-palsy charity scene? - My daughter has cerebral palsy.
- Oh! Oh, great.
- Er, I mean, it makes sense that - I have cerebral palsy.
Hey, have guys ever seen Last Comic Standing? Do you guys watch that show? A cerebral-palsy guy did that, and he won the whole thing, because, as you know, people with cerebral palsy can do anything.
I can't drive.
Well neither can I! (BACKGROUND CHATTER) Yeah! (SHE SIGHS) Any chance I can put my appropriate-weight son on there? Fuck's sake.
Play on the slide instead.
Go on there.
(SHE SIGHS) (PHONE RINGS) Hello! Cerebral palsy busters.
Do you wanna take us for lunch? I need a drink.
I dunno if I can.
They run kind of a tight ship here.
Nothing happens in charity shops.
Just ask them if you can pop to Greggs for a fucking sausage roll.
- I had Greggs for breakfast.
- What? You had breakfast at home.
- Yeah, but then I passed one, so - "Just ask them!" OK! Jesus.
Hang on.
Sorry.
Um, excuse me.
Hi.
Um, that's my wife on the phone, and she's wondering when my lunch hour is, - cos she's on her own with the kids.
- Oh, we don't take a lunch break.
We just bring sandwiches in, in case there's a lunchtime rush.
OK.
Yeah.
It's not happening.
Listen, why don't you take the kids somewhere nice for lunch - you know, treat yourself? - Yeah! OK.
Because, as we both know, lunch somewhere nice with two loud, dirty children under the age of four is a real fucking treat.
See you at home.
- I have my AA meeting tonight.
- Again?! Well, I mean, you don't really graduate from alcoholism.
So I'm supposed to watch Game Of Thrones on my own, like a pervert? - Well, I - Fine.
If anything designer gets donated by mistake, put it aside for me, OK? Bye.
Have you thought about a bit of therapy? We've thought about it, but we don't really wanna hear our terrible problems out loud.
Chris always likened therapy to taking a shit.
Better to do it in the therapist's office than stink up your own home.
I can only shit at home.
Well, whatever works for you.
Can't be easy being married to a criminal.
- Where's Jeffrey today? - He's moved out, and moved in with Chris.
Turned down a role in a Vin Diesel movie - to do Twelfth Night at the theatre.
- God, that's rough.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- We fell out.
But I'm quite happy on my own in my bachelorette pad.
I haven't put a bra on before 4:00 PM all week.
(SHE CHUCKLES) Hello! - Rob, right? - Hi.
- Thank you for - Oh, finish your biscuit.
- (HE GRUNTS) - Just, er, wanted to say that I realised, what you were sharing about your accident, that I was there! On Redchurch Street.
- I was actually there that night.
- You were there? Yeah! I'm so relieved you're OK.
I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, but, um, I had to go to the hospital too that night.
I got some of your windscreen in my leg.
Some glass splintered and cut me, if you can believe it.
I had no idea anyone else I'm so sorry! Don't worry about it! I'm just glad you found your way here.
A lot of people don't.
For me, it was losing my husband.
He died five years ago next week.
I was blacked out as usual.
They think I probably knocked over a candle.
They got me out, the firemen, but they didn't reach him in time.
Oh, God! Jesus, I'm sorry.
Oh, thank you, love.
Oh, yeah! And you said in your share that you've been listening to a lot of Radiohead.
- (SHE TUTS) - Try to get better, OK, not wank off to your little man-feelings.
See you next week.
Jesus! So, was he, like, cooked, or was it smoke inhalation? I dunno.
I'll ask her next time.
So, what age is she? What's she look like? Er, 35, 60.
She looks sorta mousy.
Mouse-like? She looked like she was transforming into a mouse, and then got interrupted mid-spell.
Wow! So, you've been thinking about her a lot? Well, it's just I feel responsible.
There's probably a statute of limitations anyway.
It's not a rape.
She just cut her leg.
If she was hurt, then, of course we should help her in some way.
All I'm saying is, was she really hurt? - She had to go to the hospital.
- Had to? Come on.
And also, you know, you go out 11:30 on a Saturday night in London, you might get some glass in your leg, so whose fault is it really? I think we've seen it all now, yeah? Let's go and get some nosh - What? - Can I have this? Don't you have one of those? - No.
- Gimme a look.
Oh, come on! Let's have a look in that bin! Look at those guys, huh? What about this little fella? I want Daddy.
(SHE SIGHS) Gimme a look at it.
What's that? - Hello.
- Can I get this? - Yeah.
Thank you.
(HE SIGHS) Excuse me.
We're gonna be closing soon, and Oh, hey! Amanda? I was just at physio around the corner, and I remembered you saying you were working here.
Thought I'd drop in and say hi, and get this.
Oh, just so you know, I inventoried that earlier, and somebody's replaced the bishops with Monopoly hotels.
I guess just remember, bishop, hotel, and you should be fine.
(SHE LAUGHS) A plastic bag You look stressed.
Um, it's just you know, I feel guilty that my wife is looking after the kids, and I'm here, folding doilies.
Well, look, think about it this way.
At least you didn't burn your house down while your husband was in it.
- Wow! - I'm joking.
I mean, I'm not joking.
That happened.
But I always think, "What would God want me to do?" Flagellate myself in my basement for the rest of my life, or come to places like this and help people like you? You have to forgive yourself.
I forgive you! (SHE CHUCKLES) - Oh, I - Are you OK? I'm sorry.
Yes.
Just a little dizzy.
Skipped lunch earlier, and between that and my leg, I, er Could you possibly walk me home? - It It's really not far.
- I Could I call you a taxi instead? It's just I've been gone all day.
I really need to get home.
No.
It's OK.
I I get carsick.
It It is fine.
I'll manage.
- Bishop, hotel.
- (SHE LAUGHS) (DOOR CLICKS) - What were you doing in Dalston? - What? Did you go drinking? Did you go drinking under the bridge? No! The lady with the limp asked me to walk her home.
You walked the glass-in-her-leg lady home? - Well, I couldn't say no.
- Oh, my God.
Her leg was hurting.
- What do you want me to do? - I want you to stop farting your guilt onto some lady, who's taking you for a ride, by the way.
I can feel it.
Seriously, you need to get some advice on this, because this is gonna end badly.
You need to talk to a lawyer.
Get them to send a cease-and-desist letter.
Cease and desist from asking me to walk her home? Do not get caught up in her shit, Rob! - Don't go there again! - Fine! Seriously, why am I dragging kids around fucking museums when you're working as an escort? Honestly, it'd be easier if you just lived in China than this shit.
Spend what little time you have, when you're not getting arrested or having probation hearings - with your family.
- She's a fucking fire widow that I injured in a car accident I'm trying to help out, and who has a shaving of sympathy for what I'm going through.
- Oh, please! - How did you know I was in Dalston? - Find my phone.
- What? - The app thing.
- You need to stop surveilling me, OK? I'm not planning a bank robbery.
I'm going to AA.
I'm working in a charity shop, plus my real job, and I'm doing the best I can.
And you're just I mean, it's, like making a murderer up in here.
Are you trying to DRIVE me back to the bottle? Oh, my God! Now I've heard it all! Does that make you feel good, - blaming it on me? - It feels great! (SHE SIGHS) - Those are for Frankie's lunch.
- Really? Did HE pay for 'em? (HE SLURPS) Or did I? Oh, my God! The receipt's in the bag.
Have a good day.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Yeah, just gonna grab those.
Sorry.
It's just Um just a minute.
That isn't the right price tag for this pair.
- Hm? - That's the wrong price tag.
Is it? - Did you swap the tag? - Why would I swap a tag? - Because these cost £150 more.
- Really? - Well, that's aggravating.
- Do you still want them? Yes, I still want them.
That's why I'm buying them.
But I'd be grateful if you could find the right tag.
You have the tag.
What? (SHE CLEARS HER THROAT) I can only think that my son must have swapped the tags, - because - Your son picked out a waist-27 jean? You know what? I don't know how this happened.
- I know how it happened.
- But what's the big deal, really? Cos next month they're gonna be in the sale for that price anyway.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you work here? Because most of the time it's the fucking owners who determine if there's a sale on.
Was it worth it, to get some cheaper jeans? They're probably gonna be too tight on you anyway.
- Pardon? - You heard me.
You know I could call the police.
Do you think they're gonna put you in some nice ladies' cell, because you're a nice lady? There's no such thing.
And do you know where they go, if you get arrested? They don't go with you.
Sir, my husband's an alcoholic.
My children don't have a father this weekend, and it's just It's just really hard.
It's just really hard right now.
(PHONE PINGS) (HE RINGS DOORBELL) - Yeah? - Oh, er Is Amanda I've got, er - I'm sorry.
Are you a friend of hers? - No.
I'm her husband.
(PHONE BUZZES) Hello? Hi.
Oh.
Is Rob there? No.
He left his phone here, and a large Burger King bag.
Hold on.
There's a orange Fanta in it, and some socks.
- Where is he? - I don't know.
He left about an hour ago.
He left OK.
Thanks.
I left the money for the on the Rob! Rob! Oh! Agh! Oh Mummy? Oh (PHONE RINGS) (SHE GROANS) "I'm so sorry.
I had to pick up my phone from the charity shop, and then by the time I.
" OK! OK.
Can I help you? Oh! Er, I was looking for Rob.
- Oh, he's not at home.
He's - May I come inside and wait for him? Erm do you know what? Let me get the pushchair inside.
Er, you know what? Actually, um Let me give him a call, because I can tell him that.
Hey! What the hell?! - Did she hurt you? - What? No, I fell over.
You cannot come here.
You cannot come to my home.
Why are you angry? I don't understand.
I just met your husband, OK? Your ALIVE husband.
You might not get jail time for burning somebody in a bullshit story, but you should at least get a fine.
I mean, are you even an alcoholic? Is your name even Amanda? It's probably fuckin' Joan.
You called it.
My smart wife.
She fuckin' knew.
Rob, maybe we could talk about this somewhere in private.
Never come near me and my family again, unless you wanna take another trip to the hospital.
That's too much! - Come on! - I'm sorry, OK? I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.
Have a good evening.
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, you should be.
Because that scared everyone, me, limp lady, the kids And the neighbours.
Mike Walls just called and asked if we were OK.
What you tell him? I told him to give me back my cordless drill.
(SHE LAUGHS) I am sorry.
Can I ask you something? Were you unhappy the whole time? Like when we had that weekend in Margate, were you unhappy there? What about when we went to Whipsnade Zoo? Were you drinking in Whipsnade? - No.
Why would I - But you weren't happy.
You didn't love being a dad and a husband enough to not drink vodka in the basement.
Honey, those things can coexist.
Did you ever drive with the kids in the car when you were drinking? - No.
God, no.
I would never - Ah, so just with me, then.
Honey, I need you to try and trust me again, just so you don't worry or panic when you don't know where I am, and feel like you have to track me.
I'm not doing that cos I don't trust you.
Well, then, why are you? Because I get scared when I can't see you.
OK? I had to look at you in the mangled wreck of a car.
From the time it took me to run from that shitty pizza place to the car, I thought you were dead.
Oh, honey! Agh! Just don't die on me.
The kids would be fucked if you die first.
Well, I mean, they'd be way more fucked if you died first.
Dunno about that.
I don't feel like much of a mother right now.
I got caught stealing today from a shop, with the kids, like a meth-head.
I nearly got arrested.
Why are you laughing? Because that's, like, a garden-variety cry for help.
Well, then, help me.
Answer my cry for help.
What did you steal? A dinosaur pillow and a pair of jeans.
Oh, well, then, it's just a matter of time before the SWAT team gets here.
- (SHE LAUGHS) - Fuck off.
Check out Bonnie and Clyde here.
(THEY LAUGH) (THEY GRUNT) (THEY GASP) (SHE LAUGHS) I'm so sorry! I It's the neck brace.
- Oh.
- I Sorry.
I just It's Shall I turn around, and then you can - Oh, sure.
- Cos then I don't Yeah.
(SHE GASPS) Wait.
No.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Now I can see you in the mirror.
What Er, should I turn the light off? Yeah, that'd be great.
Sorry.
Thanks so much.
- Ah! - Ooh!