Co-Ed Confidential (2007) s04e01 Episode Script

I swear I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna graduate you.
Yeeoww-whoo! I'll drink to that.
You know how I like to be used.
I used to think that mind-blowing sex was enough.
Some guys like crazy.
Believe me.
Dude, that's wack! I thought this was Journalism 101, not Sex Ed.
Excuse me.
I need to get to see ass.
Any questions? Boys lead to trouble.
Doesn't have to.
I wouldn't know what to do with you, baby.
Sure had a good idea what to do with me the other night.
Ophelia! - Layla.
- James! - Uh-oh.
- Will you marry me again? I'm sorry.
I-I can't.
I've been thinking a lot these past couple weeks.
I realized what I lost when you left me, and I realized what I lost when I left you.
But most of all I learned that I'm not good at being married, so I'm not gonna be married to anybody.
I just wanna be alone for a while so I can try to figure things out.
But I love you both so much.
Ooh, a threesome! The old James is back! Yeah, the old James is back.
Back on the beach in Florida.
Haven't seen that guy for six months.
I'll take the new James again and again and again and again.
mean, you are the dean's daughter, for Christ's sake! I mean, if he cau-- if he caught me in here doing-- doing the things I'm thinking of doing to you-- Stop thinking and start doing.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah She's got it Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah Oh, yeah.
I want it Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah She's got it Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah Long legs, short dress ♪ Yes, she's one hot mess ♪ ♪ When she gets down low ♪ She makes it go Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah She's got it Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah And I want it Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah She's got it Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah Ooh, that look, that style I want that style What she does to me She makes me see She's got it And I want it She's got it And I need it, I like it Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah I want it, I got it Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah She's got it Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah She's got it Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah What she does to me She makes me see She's got it And I want it She's got it And I need it, I like it Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah She's got it Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah She's got it Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah She's got it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Wow! Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah Good to have you back, James.
In the dean's bedroom? Mmm.
That's a step up, even for me.
Tyler! It's like I can hear his voice in my head.
Tyler! Oh! I swear I'm gonna do it this time.
I swear I'm gonna do it.
All right, you know, you got me.
Do whatever you want to do to me-- academic expulsion, suspension-- What are you gonna do, make me take my senior year again? No, I swear I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna graduate you.
That's not-- How is that possible? As it turns out, you saving the delinquent bar your family owns in Florida, well, that counted as internship, which means you finally have enough credits to graduate.
Really? Well, no.
I fudged a few numbers.
Oh, wow! You'd do that for me, Deano? Save it, ass hat! I did it for me! The thought of you on my campus for one more semester was even too much for me to bear.
Now get out of my life.
Get out of my bedroom! Bye! There.
That's you.
What? Are we there yet? We got back a month ago, Zach.
Cool.
Now we can sleep in.
Is that all you can think about? I could think about something else, if you'd like.
We can't live in this camper forever! I'm serious! And I'm hard! Zach, it's our senior year, okay? It's time to focus on a major and prepare ourselves for the real world.
And what better way to prepare than living in a cute little place of our own? This is an outhouse on wheels.
You could talk to your father.
We've been through this.
I can't.
He won't give me any more money.
And you know what? I don't want it.
I wanna prove to myself and to him that I can make it on my own.
Wow, Karen without a credit card.
That sounds like a great reality series.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
James is graduating? Welcome to the first day of the rest of your cinematic lives.
I'm expecting nothing short of brilliance-- Take me, Larry.
I'm yours! I want to.
God, I want to.
I'm getting so hot.
Now, speaking of your film projects-- Me too.
I'm burning up.
So what the hell are you waiting for? Get over here, Larry.
I'm 3,000 miles away! I put on a show for you.
Show me Little Larry.
- Little Larry? - I mean, Big Larry.
Giant Larry.
Throbbing Larry.
- I can't.
- Ohh.
Come on, Larry! Okay.
We are going to expect that in the real world as well.
A very important thing for you to note.
All right? Now, let's go on-- What the hell? This is a film class! We use celluloid, like the Lord intended! Ohh! James Tyler, you are by far the worst student in the history of this college.
Yes! And if I never see you again my entire life, it'll be too soon.
- - James! Oh, come on, Deano.
You know you're gonna miss me, baby, deep down in your potty place.
Mwah! Mr.
Tyler.
You have until the end of the day to gather your belongings.
If I see you tomorrow on this campus, I will have you arsted.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't you worry about me, Dean Coward.
I'm ready for the big, bad world.
Yea! Yeah! James! Congratulations! We're 3o proud of you! Thank you.
Thank you.
James Tyler is finally leaving.
It's like were losing our spiritual leader.
Yeah.
The Dalai Lama of keggers.
Oh.
Yeah, that means a lot.
What's your deal? Long-distance relationships are painful.
Yeah.
So, James, what are you gonna do now? I don't know.
I never thought about it.
I guess, uh, you know, uh-- I think I might get a job? I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, Dean Loward.
And whom might you be? Miss Victoria Wainwright.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
What brings you to my office, Ms.
Victoria Wnwright, besides coach and horses.
Well, I have some concerns regarding the dormitory accommodations.
Of course you do.
Is it lack of butler service, or there's nowhere to store your tiara? Well, it's-- They're coed! And what planet are you from? The Zurich Finishing School for Girls.
Rit.
Maxwell Patterson.
As in Howard Patterson's son? Well, I don't like to trade off the old man's reputation.
Your father's one of our biggest contributors.
- Let me be the first to welcome you.
- Oh.
I appreciate that.
If there's anything I can do for you, just let me know.
Well, there's one small problem.
It's in regard to the S.
E.
C.
's recent probe into my father's business dealings.
- Did you say "probe"? - It's all a big misunderstanding.
People are throwing around the word "Ponzi.
" It's way more sophisticated.
He was wondering, is there any way maybe you could cut me a deal on room and board? Dis orifice? - Say what now? - Orifice.
- I need orifice.
- I think she means the office.
- You're in the right place, but it's the wrong time.
- My name Olga Pavelzhenko.
The dorm room is no good.
I have problems to pay.
You're a foreign exchange student.
Uh, well, Miss Olga Whatever-your-name-is, you can always apply for financial aid.
Twelve million Uzbeks.
How would you like me to double that in three months, tax-free? This is America.
We deal in dollars and cents.
Bottom-line me-- How much money you got? Um 17 dollars Normally you would have a problem.
Which means I would have a problem.
But today, out of all days, there are no problems.
You see, I've just closed down the oldest frat house in my Death-to-Greek-Life campaign.
So maybe, if you're lucky, you'll be able to stay there, if you can live with the male species, and if the landlord hasn't invested any money with your father, and if he's dumb enough to accept Uzbekis? I have $17.
62.
Now shoo! Shoo! I've got a cigar to smoke.
Says here you invented text messaging.
O.
M.
G.
L.
O.
L.
? And your most recent position was with special ops.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, uh, I gotta keep that hushed.
I don't like to talk about it.
Level 12.
Two-player.
This résumé is a joke.
I'm not gonna sit here and try to tell you that I got Obama elected, but you've gotta admit his "Change We Can Believe In" slogan, that is suspiciously close to my "Vote with Your Crotch" campaign.
Is there anything on here that's true? Well, my name is James Tyler.
Although my middle name isn't Bond.
He wishes it was.
The truth is, I'm not good at this whole getting-a-job thing.
All right? It took me seven years to graduate and get my diploma.
And that whole time I never once stopped to think about what I would do when I got out.
And now here I am-- nothing to offer.
Except a giant pair of balls.
Yeah.
Well, they got me elected.
And Obama, that-- Have a nice day, Mr.
Tyler.
Okay, okay, fine.
Look, how about we just say I'm hired? Get out! Fine! God! Woof! No wonder! Nobody has any balls around this place, huh? This is ball envy! Who the hell was that? No one, Felicia.
Just some character looking for a job.
"Inventor of the Tyler Maneuver, the only proven alternative to the Heimlich.
" Total bullshitter.
Oh, and look at this.
Guess who his reference is? Dean Loward.
Hmm.
Wait, i-isn't that-- I don't know why you'd even want to look for anything else.
This place is "van-tastic.
" I just want to live in a place without axles.
Is that too much to ask? You're gonna miss it.
We've got everything we need right here.
Cigarette lighter.
We don't even smoke! And it doesn't work! Air conditioner.
You call this an air conditioner? Huh? Air conditioner? A bed.
This is a ratty old mattress on the floor.
And me.
And what if it breaks down? Everything's all in working order.
Stop.
Stop! I hate you! I hate this van! Stop! I walk along the mud-soaked road With my thoughts To dream but it's you I toast I stare At a map We're falling into a trap It's a long way Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Home Yeah.
Hold on to the ceiling.
Hold on to the ceiling.
It's a long way home Memories hold me I wake in a cold sweat Do you still want me Oh! Strap in! Safety! Safety! Safety! Ohh! I love this van! It's not working.
It's not working.
It's not working.
Come on.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Get on top of me.
On top of me.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, that's better.
I hate this van! Oh, I love this van! - It's a long way home - Oh, "van-tastic!" Oww! Mmm.
That was just what I needed.
And you want to leave all of this? - Hey! Larry! - You guys got a spare room? - Three thousand to buy? - No, no, that's to rent.
And I'm gonna need a 6,000 security deposit for any damages.
- Damages? - Damages.
Are you kidding me? A wrecking ball couldn't do more damage.
The ad said there's a pool? Oh, yeah.
Enjoy.
I don't care if this is the last rental anywhere near our school.
It's a rip-off.
I don't have six dollars, let alone 6,000.
- It wouldn't be if you'd just call your parental A.
T.
M.
- Not happening.
I don't have all day.
I've got other people coming to see it.
Make up your minds.
Unless they're from the school for the blind, I think we'll be fine.
This is nice! I love it! Oh, God, no! - I wouldn't set foot in here if you paid me.
- That's not the way it works.
- Three thousand gets you in.
- How much to get out? Come again? There is a toilet? Oh, yeah.
There's three of 'em.
Inside? You know what? I don't have all day.
Do you want it or not? Huh? Quick lick of paint, we could sublet thislace, make a tidy profit.
It's the American dream.
Camper's not looking so bad now, is it? I've lived in worse.
Do you remember the old Omega house? It looked 10 times better than this place, and that was after they knocked it down.
Look, u guys, I know that this isn't exactly what we had in mind, but it's the only thing we can afford.
So I say, let's make the best of it.
- How are we gonna do that? - We throw a party! A welcome party for new friends and a farewell p for an old one.
Hey.
Sorry.
Oh, my God.
Dude, we got the naked oil wrestling just for you.
I'm sorry, Zach.
I can't do it.
What? What? - This isn't the James we know.
- Get in line.
I don't even know me.
Damn, girl! You can drin like a fish.
And you look like a horse! Stallion for mating.
I'll drink to that.
Drink.
Cheers.
Ahh! Yes.
Me, please.
Looking for Mr.
Right? No, I'm looking for a good excuse to stay in this hellhole.
It's not so bad, if your tetanus shots are up to date.
- Alcohol.
That's what you need.
- Mmm, no.
I don't drink.
It's medicinal.
Believe me.
I've been using it the past few hours.
It really dulls the pain.
Why? What happened to you? Got my penis caught in a laptop.
Ohh! Take it easy.
That's strong medicine.
Whoa.
That is strong.
The stronger the better.
Oh.
Here-- Oh.
I'm gonna need another drink.
Allow me to introduce myself.
Mr.
Right.
Maxwell's the name.
Investment's the game.
Maximize your assets.
Okay.
Maxwell's the name.
Investment's-- Oh! Maxwell's the name.
Investment's the-- All right.
Maxwell's the name.
Investment's the-- I'd love to look at your portfolio.
Hello.
Hello? Now, that wasn't so difficult, was it? Just be real, baby.
I'm real, as real as they come.
I'm the real deal.
Really.
I'm Dawn.
Maxwell.
I will not be pushed aside I will not kill for bush but I kill for pride I will not chill till I die Sit down.
I wanna do a little dance for you.
Did I wish you away Lost of being So talk down hard Accept my creed My mind in thought Lost, I do believe Flower on suit I kept it pristine Connect so strange Though you want a love They're predisposed To find The heart is dark Used only once The hardest part is to change Did I love you away Closing walls Did I move too fast I think it's fast enough How much of yourself Is that how you're gonna dance for me? Baby, don't fear love You're fuckin' hilarious! Come here.
Connect so strange Though you want to love They're predisposed To find The heart is dark Used only once The heart is hard to change Save the eyes Hold the ears Keep the night for someone else to hear Your love's still back I wanna shout your name Novelty facts You'll be forever the same Connect so strange Though you want to love They're predisposed To find The heart is dark Used only once The heart is hard to change Oh, yeah! Connect so strange Though you want to love They're predisposed To find The heart is dark Connect so strange Oh, my goodness.
Though you want to love They're predisposed To find The heart is dark Yeah.
Yeah! Used only once Yeah! Yeah! The heart is hard to change Connect so strange Though you want to love They're predisposed To find Oh, fuck! The heart is dark Used only once The heart is hard to change It's with a great sense of honor that we retire James Tyler's bedpost.
So many notches, so many stories.
Gee, I, uh-- I don't know what to say.
- Drink! - Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Everyone! Everyone! Look, I'm sorry, but I've graduated.
It's time for me to grow up.
And I'll second that.
Great.
Excuse me.
- Hide your weed! - Relax.
I am not here to ruin the festivities.
I'm here to join the celebration.
The end of an era.
May I never-- and I mean never see you again.
Never say never.
Felicia.
- I thought I knew her from somewhere.
- Nice to see you again, Howard.
What are you doing back here? Well, I am here to show a little school spirit.
See, when I saw that you were listed as a reference for this fine young man, I did a little digging, and it turns out that James saved his family business back in Florida.
I did.
Very impressive.
Thank you.
So I knew you'd be so sad to see him go.
So I have decided to make a sizable donation to start a new business course here at my beloved alma mater.
Nice! On one condition.
That the class is taught by none other than James Tyler.
No! What do you say? I don't know what to say.
Yeeoww-whoo! I'm not going nowhere! I'm not going nowhere! So, you're sure about this? I think you have a lot to offer these kids.
Wow! I don't know how to thank you.
Believe me, the look on Howard's face, that was thanks enough.
What's the deal with you two? Did you know each other back in the day or something? Uh, you could say that.
But, um, you know, it's a long story.
Anyway, this is a big chance for you, James.
Yes.
Don't fuck it up.
I won't! Okay, that just happened? Oh, yeah.
Well, looks like I'm here to stay, guys.
Oh, boy! Here we go again! Oh, yeah! Whoo! What the hell are you doing in my room? Who are you? You can call me Mr.
Right.
James! What the hell are you doing here? - I'm really sorry about everything that happened.
- This is a new start.
I'm riding the horse again.
Well, well, well, an old friend.
I missed you, what we had.
She's never ever She's never ever better than me And she's never ever She's never ever better than me And she's never ever Never better than me Never better than me Never better than me So I was alone and there was a girl But there is always a girl AdrianoCSI