Comic Book Men s04e01 Episode Script
Heir Apparent
Hey, uh, you guys remember Fantasy Island? You know, tattoo, Mr.
Roarke, "the plane! The plane!" - Oh, you do that well! - Yeah, "the plane, the plane!" He obviously does it all day then, 'cause that was his regular voice.
Let's say you were able to go to fantasy island.
What fantasy would you live out? Good question.
If I were to go, I think I'd like to see, uh, what it'd be like to be like, massively wealthy.
Don't you realize it only lasted for a weekend? So you get that taste and then you're like, wha wha What about you Mike? Uh, I was always curious about, you know, ancient Roman times and you know I would live out the last weekend of Pompeii.
Is that are you talking about, like, the volcano? Yeah.
[Laughter.]
I think my fantasy would be: Work at the stash, but I get mondays off.
That sounds more like unfantasy island than Fantasy Island.
So wait a second, isn't it only for the weekend? So you wouldn't even experience that Monday.
[Laughter.]
It's like, [Bleep.]
That's right, I gotta work tomorrow.
[Heroic music.]
[Laughs.]
[Roaring.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, the only show that has kryptonite in its pocket and is happy to see you.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Right on, man.
Any big ticket items go into or out of the store this week? We had a guy come in who had something that I know you would have loved to have seen.
- Hey, guys.
- How you doing? - What's going on? - I'm good.
So I got some collectible, uh, figures here from the Rocky movies that you might be interested in.
You guys like Rocky, right? Come on, man.
We're Americans.
We love Rocky.
When the last movie came out, they came out with a line of figures celebrating the movie franchise.
These are actually the four most desirable.
I have Apollo creed wearing his patriotic gear.
They only made a hundred of these particular ones.
And then moving down the line, we got Rocky in the wheelchair, as depicted at the, uh, start of the second movie.
We got Ivan Drago, as featured in Rocky IV.
And then, we have the meat, as featured in the first movie in which Rocky uses as his, uh, punching bag.
That's the most insane figure I think I've ever seen.
I've heard about this.
I've never actually seen one.
The rumors are true.
That was a stand alone figure? It wasn't even like, "Rocky comes with meat that he beats.
" It's you had to buy the meat to hang up for him to fight.
Can you imagine like, you know, the producers of the line, you know, you go to your boss and you're like, "hey, boss, I think this will be a great figure just the meat that Rocky pounds.
" He's like, "how much is it gonna cost?" He's like, "way less than making a real figure.
" He's like, "do it.
" You don't have to pay, uh, actors likeness rights.
Yeah, they're like, "did you get the meat to sign? What's he looking for? What kind of percentage?" America loves the underdog, right? But why are we so quick that once the underdog wins, then we're like, oh, you know what? I had enough of that underdog.
Now I'm rooting for him to lose.
It was III where he got cocky, right? Where he wasn't training and stuff? That's where I think maybe people were like, "well, I hope Rocky loses.
He doesn't deserve it.
" - Yeah.
- But they also gave Rocky a handicap, so it's like, oh, his his manager had a heart attack right before the the fight.
So he goes in with no heart.
That was a metaphor for no heart.
Exactly.
He went in with no heart, so It only took you three decades to [laughter.]
There's so many great moments in all the movies.
But I think the one that, uh, I really feel good about when I watch it is when Rocky and Apollo become friends.
That almost makes me cry every time I watch those movies.
Just thinking about the friendship that bloomed between former foes that became friends.
Yeah, and, um, they almost become like, like More than friends.
[Laughter.]
So what are you looking to get for the, uh, for the four figures? I'd like to get 1,800 for all four.
Oh, man.
Uh 1,800? Ugh.
You've thrown the first jab.
Let me count - Yeah.
- Let me counter it, uh Is this gonna be like a Tyson pay-per-view where it's over in nine seconds? [Laughter.]
Would you take 1,000 for all of them? Let me throw out there 1,500.
I can do 1,125 and I that's it.
I feel like I need to go in my corner and have my cup-man, uh, do a little, uh Do a little patchwork on me.
I think I can do that.
- 1,125? - 1,125? - Aw! - Oh, oh, oh! - I did something wrong? - [Overlapping chatter.]
He got knocked out before that part came.
[Laughter.]
Yo! Check it out.
Here, we got baby silent Bob.
The queen of Clerks.
Kevin's daughter, Harley Quinn Smith.
- Hey, what's going on? - How's it going, fellas? Um, I got some original Foolkiller art looking to see if you're interested in today.
Foolkiller art? Holy smokes! I'm into killing fools.
[Upbeat rock music.]
Where on earth did you get Foolkiller art from? When you're the only person looking for it, it wasn't that hard to find.
Foolkiller may be the most overlooked, underrated, under appreciated title that marvel has ever published.
This is like the cultist cult comic I could think of.
Oh, definitely.
This is my favorite marvel story, hands down.
It's one of my favorite ones too, man.
Well, you've got good taste, man.
You've got great taste.
Walter, since this book came out, has been preaching the gospel of the Foolkiller mini-series.
And with good reason.
Tell them what makes it epic.
- Well, it was a ten - Issue series.
Featured the exploits of a stockbroker who fell on hard times.
His wife left him, lost his job, and he basically did the taxi driver meets the marvel universe.
Yes.
It's one of the darkest, most literate, most cinematic, most adult treatments of a comic book character in the history of comics.
You start rooting for Foolkiller, you know? "Go get 'em Foolkiller! Get that bad guy!" But then he starts, like, losing the line between killing bad guys and killing people that like get that bad kid.
[Laughter.]
You must, like, have every piece of artwork ever ever made on the Foolkiller.
Can I take a look through this? Yeah, go ahead.
Oh! I mean, look it, he just fries 'em like with, not a hesitation.
Yeah, that's nice.
Every fool was fair game for him at a certain point.
Back in the '90s, man, I'm like, this mini-series is so good, man, this is gonna explode! We're gonna see a Foolkiller ongoing series, we're gonna see a Foolkiller video game, we're gonna see a Foolkiller movie!" And I'm waiting, and I'm still waiting.
[Laughter.]
Please tell me you're here to sell it.
Definitely.
Men's league hockey is starting up, and I need new hockey sticks, so So you're gonna sell the Foolkiller original art for a hockey stick? All right, well, what are you wanting for them? Uh, for all 14400.
I'm gonna push my luck here, and I hope I don't sound like a fool, but would you take Mm How 'bout 325? Mm You know what? It's going to a good home.
I know you guys appreciate it as much as I did.
I'll take 300.
Awesome, man.
Thank you.
- Guardians? - 16.
Uh, bump that to 34.
Yo! - Oh! - What's up? Check it out.
Here, we got baby silent Bob.
All right, the queen of Clerks.
And proof that Kevin at least hooked up with a girl once.
Kevin's daughter, Harley Quinn Smith.
- How you doin', Harley? - I'm great, how are you? Your dad called and said that you're here to get a feel of clerking because you're gonna be in a film, right? Yeah.
But since my dad just cannot stop making movies about Clerks, he's making another one with me.
Okay, I am not just a pod-caster and a massive eater in life.
It's true.
Back in the day, I used to make movies.
And recently, I made a movie called Tusk.
Now, in tusk there's a little scene with two girls behind the counter at a convenience store.
And one of the little girls was my daughter, Harley.
The other one was her friend, Lily-rose depp.
So I came up with the notion of spinning off those two characters.
So I wrote this movie called Yoga Hosers.
So I'm figuring, before she plays a clerk in the movie, let me send her to the stash.
So what are your expectations? What do you hope to really get out of this crash course in clerking? I wanna learn how to react to the customers.
I wanna learn how to use a cash register.
All right.
Well, I'll just tell you this: The things you learn here at the stash, they're probably gonna stay with you for a lifetime.
You've always treated the job as religion more than just, you know, something to get paid to do.
You know, I do treat the job of a clerk with the dignity and respect I think it doesn't always get.
Your movie doesn't help, really [Laughter.]
How ironic.
'Cause my movie made your clerking possible.
You've done a huge disservice to clerks everywhere.
All right, you guys ready to get started? - Yeah, for sure.
- All right.
Let's let the education commence.
Come on right back here.
- Ooh! - Huh? This is a different feel already, right? Yeah.
I feel like a new person.
Grab the money and run! Here we go.
Our first customer.
I would like to sell you some zombie babies.
Zombie babies? Um, okay, that looks illegal.
Without a doubt, the worst clerk I've ever dealt with in my life was Jason Mewes.
Do you remember like, we let him work at the counter of his own store, this store called Jay and silent Bob's secret stash.
So he would go in, and open up, and you know, like, all of a sudden, you'd walk in, there'd be Jay from clerks behind the counter.
And then Jay from clerks would say to you, "can you watch the store? I gotta go get cigarettes.
" [Laughter.]
And leave the store in the hands of people who had traveled far to see it.
- Round - Trip, it would take him ten minutes.
It was it was a while.
It would be bizarre.
I came into the store once, and there was a couple there, and they were not from New Jersey.
And they were like, "oh, it's you!" And I was like, "welcome," and I was greeting them and stuff.
And I was like, "uh, Jay's here too.
Jay?" And they were like, "no, he's not, he went to get cigarettes.
" [Laughter.]
Do you have a touch screen tablet? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay.
It's very similar to that.
Okay.
A lot of miles on this register.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
Any questions before you begin? Well, it's kind of, actually, nothing like a touch screen.
So why don't you use a new one? At Jay and silent Bob's, like, our motto is: "We've got to keep it real.
" Keep it real.
That's translated as, "it's a piece of crap and he doesn't wanna learn anything new.
" Fair enough.
Before we go any further, let's bring out the key players in this passionate play.
Ladies and gentleman, without further ado, my two children, my daughter, Harley Quinn Smith, my son, Jason Mewes.
Come on out, kids.
- Woo! - Yo! Thanks, thanks.
Welcome to the table.
How are you? I am great.
I sent you here to learn how to be a clerk so you can play a clerk in the movie, Yoga Hosers.
So, how did it go, man? I think it went pretty well.
I definitely learned a lot of information that will help me when we film.
You're not a working stiff.
So this is like, the first time you've actually spent six to eight hours somewhere where you had to be in some room what was that like? It wasn't bad.
There was a chair.
It was pretty comfortable.
That's my kid! She's like, "it wasn't bad.
There was a chair.
" Go ahead though see if you got your dad's magic touch.
So you touch this first? - Nope, nope.
- The the number? - Price.
- The price - hol hold up.
- Okay, okay.
[Laughter.]
Hi! How you doin'? Here we go, our first customer.
I have something you might be interested in.
Okay, but real quick, I'd just like to introduce our intern, Harley.
- Hi - Hi, Harley, nice to meet you.
She's just learning the ropes.
- Kevin Smith's daughter.
- Oh, really? Why are you telling her that for? That has no bearing on what's gonna happen right now.
Well, I just need to let people know so they nah, no special treatment.
Didn't you just learn we got to keep it real? That's true, keepin' it reals but - all right.
- Good lord.
What can we do for you today? I would like to sell you some zombie babies.
Zombie babies? Um, okay.
That looks illegal.
These look like customs.
Did you make these? Yes.
The detail work is incredible.
What else you got? This is a toddler.
Would you like to hold her? Sure.
Ah.
- And this is our 24 - Inch toddler.
Just curious why are they all underage? Why are they babies? Is there no 18 or older zombies? There are no 18 or older dolls.
How'd you get into making zombie dolls? A few years ago, I wanted to do a Halloween costume that had a zombie baby, and I couldn't find one to buy.
So I decided I can make my own.
And everybody loved it, so I decided I could sell my own.
What did you dress up as that you needed a zombie baby? A zombie mother? - Yes.
Breast - Feeding.
Okay.
Her first transaction was a buy, which is always a bit more challenging you know, it's you know, anybody can sell something 'cause someone's bringing up something that they want.
- Right, right.
- That's easy.
But when you're when someone wants to come in and sell something, then you gotta negotiate.
All right.
So you feeling that, like, this is something that you can envision on the shelves at the stash? I see potential.
I think they're pretty cool.
Yeah? Okay, all right.
Anything you wanna ask her? How much - She - Would you like to sell it for? Excellent.
The larger ones, I sell for $100 and the little one for $30.
Here's where the negotiation begins.
Buckle in, 'cause it's about to get bumpy.
Oh, God.
Maybe we should huddle up and get a do you feel you're ready to throw a counteroffer back at her? 'Cause you can't go in you gotta say it like - Like it's like - Ah, yeah, shoulders back, lookin' 'em dead in the face.
Eyes, you know? Not crazy eyes.
- $100.
- Mm-mm, crazy eyes.
No, no, more like confident eyes.
$100.
- Not seductive eyes.
- Okay.
Just confident eyes.
$100.
That's it.
That's bet that's it.
It's time to step up and negotiate.
I think you come back with a counteroffer of 160.
- For all of them? - For all of them.
And don't worry about disappointing her.
You know, at the stash, we live to disappoint.
[Quietly.]
She's standing right there.
She can hear you.
- He's right, I can.
- [Overlapping chatter.]
We discussed it, as you may have heard, and we said 160.
For 160, congratulations, it's a baby.
It's so good doing business with you.
What was it like doing the actual transaction, man? What'd you feel like? It was a rush.
It felt great.
A rush? What are you teaching this kid? I know.
What kind of teacher are you? She's gonna be chasing that dragon for the rest of her life now.
You're turning her into an addict, man.
She's like, "I gotta go sell some dolls today!" I wanna do it again! - Right? - I feel great! I'm gonna go play with these.
We are asking 175 for it.
- I got - 156.
All right, Harley.
You're in the hot seat now.
Has your time here been well spent, do you think? You learning things? Yeah, I'm learning a few things.
What are some of the things that they've, uh, that they've imparted to you that you feel are valuable? The customer's always right.
- No.
- No? No.
Have you ever seen Mallrats? Your dad, in one sentence, summed up the entire retail experience.
And that is: "The customer is always an [Bleep.]
.
" All right.
That makes more sense.
Back when we made clerks, me and Bryan Johnson were actually clerks at quick stop and at R.
S.
T.
video.
We sat there hating having to press buttons to have to reach up and grab somebody a pack of cigarettes.
I hated it so much that, like, if I was stationed at R.
S.
T.
- I would just close the store - [Laughs.]
Yes.
And put a sign up that said, "if you want a movie, come to the convenience store," so I could sit with him.
[Laughter.]
For as much as we sat there complaining about it, I got rich off of it, so - How are you doing, sir? - Hey, how's it it going? - What's up? - Good, good.
Uh, I saw a Green Hornet Statue up front.
Oh, the electric tiki? Yes.
I'd like to take a better look at it if I could.
Yeah, let me go grab it for you.
Thanks.
This is awesome, man.
Kato with the dart.
Right.
What's this? The Hornet sting, son.
So this is the Green Hornet? - Yup.
- And this is Kato? - Yup.
- What does Kato do? Kato is like the muscle.
A lot of people think of the green hornet as the main character.
No, I always thought it was Kato that was the main character.
He looked kind of like me.
He was played by Bruce Lee.
Like he was what He fights like you.
Well, all right.
Let's not go too far.
He was a guy I wanted to be.
It's true.
Most people kind of just always say the green hornet.
They don't say, he green hornet and Kato.
Like, even the show, here, was called the green hornet.
Yeah, but, you know, when the show went to Asia, it was called the Kato show.
- Oh, really? Was it? - Yeah.
Yeah, they, you know, they didn't even put any green hornet in there.
It was all Kato, and I always loved that.
And when the show goes to China, you know, they might just call it the ming show.
[Laughter.]
Or, you know, or at the very least, ming and friends.
Now I could stand around and talk green hornet and Kato all day, but we are asking 175 for it.
Can I take a moment to check the fuzz? Go right ahead.
What do you got? I got one potato, two potato - 50 - 50 All right.
And All right, Harley.
You're in the hot seat now.
This is what being a clerk is about.
Sometimes there's a lot of pressure.
You can either make - Oh, no.
- An extra $14 or not.
So it's the moment of truth, man.
He put you in the hot seat.
You had to make the decision.
That decision where you were gonna be a human being or a clerk.
You know, you seem like a really nice guy.
I know.
And you really like the green hornet.
So I think we should give it to you for 150.
- Thank you.
- You're so welcome.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro.
I thought you were security, dude.
Now I'm gonna take your 6.
00 bucks as payment for that mistake.
Yeah, we're taking this.
Look at that! Making business calls.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
I came to the consensus that he seems like a nice guy and I thought he could be a returning customer.
I was disappointed by her humanity, but [Laughter.]
Ming, you wanna give him a hand? Take this up front, box it up.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Thank you! - Take care.
- Enjoy.
Harley, ring in your sale.
- Oh, yeah.
- Well done.
Ah.
Absolutely sounds like it was successful trip, particularly for you, man.
There was an idea, go out there, get behind the counter, get some clerking experience.
We come back and make the movie - do you feel that you did that? - I think so.
I feel like I know a lot more than I did when I started, and I think I can do it now.
No kidding around, if the movie thing doesn't work out, I got a place for you at the stash.
Thank you.
And honestly, that should terrify any parent.
Hearing that, but that made me happy.
It was nice to see you bonding with the people that made me who I am.
And hopefully, just the way they shaped me throughout my life, maybe they shaped you just a little bit.
Just a little, not too much.
[Laughter.]
There it is, folks.
Teach your children well.
And if you can't, let your friends do it, man.
For Comic Book Men, I'm Kevin Smith.
- I'm Harley Quinn.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Jay Mewes.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
To quote the immortal Darth Vader: "Harley, I am your father.
" Good night.
Roarke, "the plane! The plane!" - Oh, you do that well! - Yeah, "the plane, the plane!" He obviously does it all day then, 'cause that was his regular voice.
Let's say you were able to go to fantasy island.
What fantasy would you live out? Good question.
If I were to go, I think I'd like to see, uh, what it'd be like to be like, massively wealthy.
Don't you realize it only lasted for a weekend? So you get that taste and then you're like, wha wha What about you Mike? Uh, I was always curious about, you know, ancient Roman times and you know I would live out the last weekend of Pompeii.
Is that are you talking about, like, the volcano? Yeah.
[Laughter.]
I think my fantasy would be: Work at the stash, but I get mondays off.
That sounds more like unfantasy island than Fantasy Island.
So wait a second, isn't it only for the weekend? So you wouldn't even experience that Monday.
[Laughter.]
It's like, [Bleep.]
That's right, I gotta work tomorrow.
[Heroic music.]
[Laughs.]
[Roaring.]
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, the only show that has kryptonite in its pocket and is happy to see you.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Right on, man.
Any big ticket items go into or out of the store this week? We had a guy come in who had something that I know you would have loved to have seen.
- Hey, guys.
- How you doing? - What's going on? - I'm good.
So I got some collectible, uh, figures here from the Rocky movies that you might be interested in.
You guys like Rocky, right? Come on, man.
We're Americans.
We love Rocky.
When the last movie came out, they came out with a line of figures celebrating the movie franchise.
These are actually the four most desirable.
I have Apollo creed wearing his patriotic gear.
They only made a hundred of these particular ones.
And then moving down the line, we got Rocky in the wheelchair, as depicted at the, uh, start of the second movie.
We got Ivan Drago, as featured in Rocky IV.
And then, we have the meat, as featured in the first movie in which Rocky uses as his, uh, punching bag.
That's the most insane figure I think I've ever seen.
I've heard about this.
I've never actually seen one.
The rumors are true.
That was a stand alone figure? It wasn't even like, "Rocky comes with meat that he beats.
" It's you had to buy the meat to hang up for him to fight.
Can you imagine like, you know, the producers of the line, you know, you go to your boss and you're like, "hey, boss, I think this will be a great figure just the meat that Rocky pounds.
" He's like, "how much is it gonna cost?" He's like, "way less than making a real figure.
" He's like, "do it.
" You don't have to pay, uh, actors likeness rights.
Yeah, they're like, "did you get the meat to sign? What's he looking for? What kind of percentage?" America loves the underdog, right? But why are we so quick that once the underdog wins, then we're like, oh, you know what? I had enough of that underdog.
Now I'm rooting for him to lose.
It was III where he got cocky, right? Where he wasn't training and stuff? That's where I think maybe people were like, "well, I hope Rocky loses.
He doesn't deserve it.
" - Yeah.
- But they also gave Rocky a handicap, so it's like, oh, his his manager had a heart attack right before the the fight.
So he goes in with no heart.
That was a metaphor for no heart.
Exactly.
He went in with no heart, so It only took you three decades to [laughter.]
There's so many great moments in all the movies.
But I think the one that, uh, I really feel good about when I watch it is when Rocky and Apollo become friends.
That almost makes me cry every time I watch those movies.
Just thinking about the friendship that bloomed between former foes that became friends.
Yeah, and, um, they almost become like, like More than friends.
[Laughter.]
So what are you looking to get for the, uh, for the four figures? I'd like to get 1,800 for all four.
Oh, man.
Uh 1,800? Ugh.
You've thrown the first jab.
Let me count - Yeah.
- Let me counter it, uh Is this gonna be like a Tyson pay-per-view where it's over in nine seconds? [Laughter.]
Would you take 1,000 for all of them? Let me throw out there 1,500.
I can do 1,125 and I that's it.
I feel like I need to go in my corner and have my cup-man, uh, do a little, uh Do a little patchwork on me.
I think I can do that.
- 1,125? - 1,125? - Aw! - Oh, oh, oh! - I did something wrong? - [Overlapping chatter.]
He got knocked out before that part came.
[Laughter.]
Yo! Check it out.
Here, we got baby silent Bob.
The queen of Clerks.
Kevin's daughter, Harley Quinn Smith.
- Hey, what's going on? - How's it going, fellas? Um, I got some original Foolkiller art looking to see if you're interested in today.
Foolkiller art? Holy smokes! I'm into killing fools.
[Upbeat rock music.]
Where on earth did you get Foolkiller art from? When you're the only person looking for it, it wasn't that hard to find.
Foolkiller may be the most overlooked, underrated, under appreciated title that marvel has ever published.
This is like the cultist cult comic I could think of.
Oh, definitely.
This is my favorite marvel story, hands down.
It's one of my favorite ones too, man.
Well, you've got good taste, man.
You've got great taste.
Walter, since this book came out, has been preaching the gospel of the Foolkiller mini-series.
And with good reason.
Tell them what makes it epic.
- Well, it was a ten - Issue series.
Featured the exploits of a stockbroker who fell on hard times.
His wife left him, lost his job, and he basically did the taxi driver meets the marvel universe.
Yes.
It's one of the darkest, most literate, most cinematic, most adult treatments of a comic book character in the history of comics.
You start rooting for Foolkiller, you know? "Go get 'em Foolkiller! Get that bad guy!" But then he starts, like, losing the line between killing bad guys and killing people that like get that bad kid.
[Laughter.]
You must, like, have every piece of artwork ever ever made on the Foolkiller.
Can I take a look through this? Yeah, go ahead.
Oh! I mean, look it, he just fries 'em like with, not a hesitation.
Yeah, that's nice.
Every fool was fair game for him at a certain point.
Back in the '90s, man, I'm like, this mini-series is so good, man, this is gonna explode! We're gonna see a Foolkiller ongoing series, we're gonna see a Foolkiller video game, we're gonna see a Foolkiller movie!" And I'm waiting, and I'm still waiting.
[Laughter.]
Please tell me you're here to sell it.
Definitely.
Men's league hockey is starting up, and I need new hockey sticks, so So you're gonna sell the Foolkiller original art for a hockey stick? All right, well, what are you wanting for them? Uh, for all 14400.
I'm gonna push my luck here, and I hope I don't sound like a fool, but would you take Mm How 'bout 325? Mm You know what? It's going to a good home.
I know you guys appreciate it as much as I did.
I'll take 300.
Awesome, man.
Thank you.
- Guardians? - 16.
Uh, bump that to 34.
Yo! - Oh! - What's up? Check it out.
Here, we got baby silent Bob.
All right, the queen of Clerks.
And proof that Kevin at least hooked up with a girl once.
Kevin's daughter, Harley Quinn Smith.
- How you doin', Harley? - I'm great, how are you? Your dad called and said that you're here to get a feel of clerking because you're gonna be in a film, right? Yeah.
But since my dad just cannot stop making movies about Clerks, he's making another one with me.
Okay, I am not just a pod-caster and a massive eater in life.
It's true.
Back in the day, I used to make movies.
And recently, I made a movie called Tusk.
Now, in tusk there's a little scene with two girls behind the counter at a convenience store.
And one of the little girls was my daughter, Harley.
The other one was her friend, Lily-rose depp.
So I came up with the notion of spinning off those two characters.
So I wrote this movie called Yoga Hosers.
So I'm figuring, before she plays a clerk in the movie, let me send her to the stash.
So what are your expectations? What do you hope to really get out of this crash course in clerking? I wanna learn how to react to the customers.
I wanna learn how to use a cash register.
All right.
Well, I'll just tell you this: The things you learn here at the stash, they're probably gonna stay with you for a lifetime.
You've always treated the job as religion more than just, you know, something to get paid to do.
You know, I do treat the job of a clerk with the dignity and respect I think it doesn't always get.
Your movie doesn't help, really [Laughter.]
How ironic.
'Cause my movie made your clerking possible.
You've done a huge disservice to clerks everywhere.
All right, you guys ready to get started? - Yeah, for sure.
- All right.
Let's let the education commence.
Come on right back here.
- Ooh! - Huh? This is a different feel already, right? Yeah.
I feel like a new person.
Grab the money and run! Here we go.
Our first customer.
I would like to sell you some zombie babies.
Zombie babies? Um, okay, that looks illegal.
Without a doubt, the worst clerk I've ever dealt with in my life was Jason Mewes.
Do you remember like, we let him work at the counter of his own store, this store called Jay and silent Bob's secret stash.
So he would go in, and open up, and you know, like, all of a sudden, you'd walk in, there'd be Jay from clerks behind the counter.
And then Jay from clerks would say to you, "can you watch the store? I gotta go get cigarettes.
" [Laughter.]
And leave the store in the hands of people who had traveled far to see it.
- Round - Trip, it would take him ten minutes.
It was it was a while.
It would be bizarre.
I came into the store once, and there was a couple there, and they were not from New Jersey.
And they were like, "oh, it's you!" And I was like, "welcome," and I was greeting them and stuff.
And I was like, "uh, Jay's here too.
Jay?" And they were like, "no, he's not, he went to get cigarettes.
" [Laughter.]
Do you have a touch screen tablet? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay.
It's very similar to that.
Okay.
A lot of miles on this register.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
Any questions before you begin? Well, it's kind of, actually, nothing like a touch screen.
So why don't you use a new one? At Jay and silent Bob's, like, our motto is: "We've got to keep it real.
" Keep it real.
That's translated as, "it's a piece of crap and he doesn't wanna learn anything new.
" Fair enough.
Before we go any further, let's bring out the key players in this passionate play.
Ladies and gentleman, without further ado, my two children, my daughter, Harley Quinn Smith, my son, Jason Mewes.
Come on out, kids.
- Woo! - Yo! Thanks, thanks.
Welcome to the table.
How are you? I am great.
I sent you here to learn how to be a clerk so you can play a clerk in the movie, Yoga Hosers.
So, how did it go, man? I think it went pretty well.
I definitely learned a lot of information that will help me when we film.
You're not a working stiff.
So this is like, the first time you've actually spent six to eight hours somewhere where you had to be in some room what was that like? It wasn't bad.
There was a chair.
It was pretty comfortable.
That's my kid! She's like, "it wasn't bad.
There was a chair.
" Go ahead though see if you got your dad's magic touch.
So you touch this first? - Nope, nope.
- The the number? - Price.
- The price - hol hold up.
- Okay, okay.
[Laughter.]
Hi! How you doin'? Here we go, our first customer.
I have something you might be interested in.
Okay, but real quick, I'd just like to introduce our intern, Harley.
- Hi - Hi, Harley, nice to meet you.
She's just learning the ropes.
- Kevin Smith's daughter.
- Oh, really? Why are you telling her that for? That has no bearing on what's gonna happen right now.
Well, I just need to let people know so they nah, no special treatment.
Didn't you just learn we got to keep it real? That's true, keepin' it reals but - all right.
- Good lord.
What can we do for you today? I would like to sell you some zombie babies.
Zombie babies? Um, okay.
That looks illegal.
These look like customs.
Did you make these? Yes.
The detail work is incredible.
What else you got? This is a toddler.
Would you like to hold her? Sure.
Ah.
- And this is our 24 - Inch toddler.
Just curious why are they all underage? Why are they babies? Is there no 18 or older zombies? There are no 18 or older dolls.
How'd you get into making zombie dolls? A few years ago, I wanted to do a Halloween costume that had a zombie baby, and I couldn't find one to buy.
So I decided I can make my own.
And everybody loved it, so I decided I could sell my own.
What did you dress up as that you needed a zombie baby? A zombie mother? - Yes.
Breast - Feeding.
Okay.
Her first transaction was a buy, which is always a bit more challenging you know, it's you know, anybody can sell something 'cause someone's bringing up something that they want.
- Right, right.
- That's easy.
But when you're when someone wants to come in and sell something, then you gotta negotiate.
All right.
So you feeling that, like, this is something that you can envision on the shelves at the stash? I see potential.
I think they're pretty cool.
Yeah? Okay, all right.
Anything you wanna ask her? How much - She - Would you like to sell it for? Excellent.
The larger ones, I sell for $100 and the little one for $30.
Here's where the negotiation begins.
Buckle in, 'cause it's about to get bumpy.
Oh, God.
Maybe we should huddle up and get a do you feel you're ready to throw a counteroffer back at her? 'Cause you can't go in you gotta say it like - Like it's like - Ah, yeah, shoulders back, lookin' 'em dead in the face.
Eyes, you know? Not crazy eyes.
- $100.
- Mm-mm, crazy eyes.
No, no, more like confident eyes.
$100.
- Not seductive eyes.
- Okay.
Just confident eyes.
$100.
That's it.
That's bet that's it.
It's time to step up and negotiate.
I think you come back with a counteroffer of 160.
- For all of them? - For all of them.
And don't worry about disappointing her.
You know, at the stash, we live to disappoint.
[Quietly.]
She's standing right there.
She can hear you.
- He's right, I can.
- [Overlapping chatter.]
We discussed it, as you may have heard, and we said 160.
For 160, congratulations, it's a baby.
It's so good doing business with you.
What was it like doing the actual transaction, man? What'd you feel like? It was a rush.
It felt great.
A rush? What are you teaching this kid? I know.
What kind of teacher are you? She's gonna be chasing that dragon for the rest of her life now.
You're turning her into an addict, man.
She's like, "I gotta go sell some dolls today!" I wanna do it again! - Right? - I feel great! I'm gonna go play with these.
We are asking 175 for it.
- I got - 156.
All right, Harley.
You're in the hot seat now.
Has your time here been well spent, do you think? You learning things? Yeah, I'm learning a few things.
What are some of the things that they've, uh, that they've imparted to you that you feel are valuable? The customer's always right.
- No.
- No? No.
Have you ever seen Mallrats? Your dad, in one sentence, summed up the entire retail experience.
And that is: "The customer is always an [Bleep.]
.
" All right.
That makes more sense.
Back when we made clerks, me and Bryan Johnson were actually clerks at quick stop and at R.
S.
T.
video.
We sat there hating having to press buttons to have to reach up and grab somebody a pack of cigarettes.
I hated it so much that, like, if I was stationed at R.
S.
T.
- I would just close the store - [Laughs.]
Yes.
And put a sign up that said, "if you want a movie, come to the convenience store," so I could sit with him.
[Laughter.]
For as much as we sat there complaining about it, I got rich off of it, so - How are you doing, sir? - Hey, how's it it going? - What's up? - Good, good.
Uh, I saw a Green Hornet Statue up front.
Oh, the electric tiki? Yes.
I'd like to take a better look at it if I could.
Yeah, let me go grab it for you.
Thanks.
This is awesome, man.
Kato with the dart.
Right.
What's this? The Hornet sting, son.
So this is the Green Hornet? - Yup.
- And this is Kato? - Yup.
- What does Kato do? Kato is like the muscle.
A lot of people think of the green hornet as the main character.
No, I always thought it was Kato that was the main character.
He looked kind of like me.
He was played by Bruce Lee.
Like he was what He fights like you.
Well, all right.
Let's not go too far.
He was a guy I wanted to be.
It's true.
Most people kind of just always say the green hornet.
They don't say, he green hornet and Kato.
Like, even the show, here, was called the green hornet.
Yeah, but, you know, when the show went to Asia, it was called the Kato show.
- Oh, really? Was it? - Yeah.
Yeah, they, you know, they didn't even put any green hornet in there.
It was all Kato, and I always loved that.
And when the show goes to China, you know, they might just call it the ming show.
[Laughter.]
Or, you know, or at the very least, ming and friends.
Now I could stand around and talk green hornet and Kato all day, but we are asking 175 for it.
Can I take a moment to check the fuzz? Go right ahead.
What do you got? I got one potato, two potato - 50 - 50 All right.
And All right, Harley.
You're in the hot seat now.
This is what being a clerk is about.
Sometimes there's a lot of pressure.
You can either make - Oh, no.
- An extra $14 or not.
So it's the moment of truth, man.
He put you in the hot seat.
You had to make the decision.
That decision where you were gonna be a human being or a clerk.
You know, you seem like a really nice guy.
I know.
And you really like the green hornet.
So I think we should give it to you for 150.
- Thank you.
- You're so welcome.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro.
I thought you were security, dude.
Now I'm gonna take your 6.
00 bucks as payment for that mistake.
Yeah, we're taking this.
Look at that! Making business calls.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
I came to the consensus that he seems like a nice guy and I thought he could be a returning customer.
I was disappointed by her humanity, but [Laughter.]
Ming, you wanna give him a hand? Take this up front, box it up.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Thank you! - Take care.
- Enjoy.
Harley, ring in your sale.
- Oh, yeah.
- Well done.
Ah.
Absolutely sounds like it was successful trip, particularly for you, man.
There was an idea, go out there, get behind the counter, get some clerking experience.
We come back and make the movie - do you feel that you did that? - I think so.
I feel like I know a lot more than I did when I started, and I think I can do it now.
No kidding around, if the movie thing doesn't work out, I got a place for you at the stash.
Thank you.
And honestly, that should terrify any parent.
Hearing that, but that made me happy.
It was nice to see you bonding with the people that made me who I am.
And hopefully, just the way they shaped me throughout my life, maybe they shaped you just a little bit.
Just a little, not too much.
[Laughter.]
There it is, folks.
Teach your children well.
And if you can't, let your friends do it, man.
For Comic Book Men, I'm Kevin Smith.
- I'm Harley Quinn.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Jay Mewes.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
To quote the immortal Darth Vader: "Harley, I am your father.
" Good night.