Cougar Town s04e01 Episode Script

You know, just hanging out, telling our stories to each other, to the world.
Mm.
Where were you guys? Over at Ellie's.
But we ran out of wine.
It got really intense.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Here you go.
Wow.
Ooh.
Rack 'em up, dime eyes.
On it.
Wow.
Are you guys alcoholics? Are you all in A.
A.
? Honey, that's two different questions.
Okay, lock and load, everyone.
- Whew.
- Wait.
You guys, I read something.
Already not a true story.
Fine.
Someone told me something.
When you toast and clink glasses, it's crazy bad luck to drink before the glass stops ringing.
Fair enough.
Cheers, y'all.
Oh.
Oh, good God.
Let's chance it.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
Mmm.
Ohh.
Whoo.
That's really nice.
That's really nice.
That's really nice.
Be honest.
Are you happy? Are you kidding? We've been married for a week, and I've only regretted it, like, twice.
Hey, raise your hand if you had an incredibly sexy time with your spouse last night.
Oh, come on, Ellie.
What? Oh, I'm not being mean.
I just don't know for sure.
I took an Ambien last night, and I told Andy to go nuts.
Did you have fun, boo? Well, I crossed a few things off my naughty bucket list.
Attaboy.
- Don't tell me now.
I just ate.
- Oh, okay.
Ooh.
Tell me one.
You okay? I don't think I'll ever be okay.
Hey, week one, didn't you make Jules coffee yesterday? So? Rookie mistake.
You know the first few weeks of marriage, everything's a precedent? You do something twice, that's the way it is forever.
After we got married, dummy here made the mistake of only peeing in the house.
He'd wait till he got to the office for his more horrifying bathroom needs.
Tell them the happy ending.
Never poo'ed in my own home.
No.
Please.
I don't suddenly have to make coffee every morning.
Right, babe? No.
I finally got a coffee bitch.
I know.
I'm so happy for us.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Honey, I need some more cream.
That's how you want to play this? Do I want to know why my neck is so sore? No.
Not not ever.
So Laurie.
Sorry.
Morning voice.
It's 2:30.
Trav, I live in a parking lot.
It's the first time I've spoken all day.
So, Laurie, how's wade? I have been calling him in Afghanistan so much, you guys.
The other night, we actually played Monopoly on the phone.
B.
T.
dubs, I'm kind of obsessed with Monopoly.
In high school, I once had a backseat quickie with a guy just 'cause his name was Marvin Gardens.
Anyway, the point is, I played Monopoly so much, that all the kids called me community chest.
Are you sure that's why they called Dude, just let me have that one.
Ooh! Hey, baby.
You remember last week when you got all drunk and you told her that you loved her? Nope.
Really? Of course I do.
God, you're awesome at picking up on sarcasm.
Actually, son, I'm not.
But, Trav, you never tell a lady how you feel about her if you've been drinkin'.
I love it when you give me dad lessons.
Sarcasm? Yeah.
See, I can pick up on it if I really focus.
Look, ever since you turned 21, I've been worrying that I didn't teach you all that I wanted to about being a man.
Now I mean, I covered the basics honesty, loyalty, the birds and the bees.
My dad's big tip for driving the ladies wild, and I quote, "get her butt-naked and kiss everything but the good parts.
" None-a-lingus.
Mwah.
Oh, I poured you a glass of wine.
Oh, just like you did yesterday.
Oh.
No, no, no.
No, this doesn't count as a precedent because, uh, you, uh, you didn't get it yet.
Ah! No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Yes! Damn it.
Now I have a wine guy.
Wine guy and coffee bitch.
The world's two worst superheroes.
You know, this stinks.
You know, the only thing I've won so far is that Jules has to yank any weird old man hairs growing out of my ears, but she likes doing that.
I really do.
Mm-hmm.
- Ooh.
- Aah! Sorry.
Wow.
That is really long.
I could probably make a bracelet out of that thing.
Ew.
Bye, sweetie.
Jules, not only does my neck hurt, I also have a rug burn on my forehead.
Tell me what happened.
Yes.
You're in my personal space.
You're all right.
Never.
- Heya.
- Hey, Bobby.
Yo.
You got a second? Of course, Jerry.
Oh, damn it! Excuse me.
Dude, I had to bolt.
I owe Jerry money.
Nice move.
Man, these iced coffees are cold.
Well, they are iced.
That's another good dad lesson, Trav.
It's never a bad idea to run away from your problems.
Oh, you're serious? Serious as a brain freeze.
Those aren't serious.
Tell that to and-o.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ooh! Ooh! Ohh! Good lord.
Most bartenders are such flirts.
You didn't even look at that girl.
Oh, wow.
Her boob just popped out of her top.
What am I, new? You are awesome.
You know, honey, I don't want our first week of marriage to be some stupid contest about setting precedents.
I want to be the best wife I can be.
Deal.
Bye.
Your change, beautiful.
Hello, boys.
Hey, dime-eyes, stop that.
I would never behave that way.
You'd better not.
What, what.
Ow! Why'd you do that? It's late.
I'll tell you in the morning.
Ow! Stupid marriage.
Okay, fine, coffee bitch.
Maybe I shouldn't have hit you.
I just I hate when people act differently behind my back.
Be who you really are.
Am I right? - Yes.
Sure.
- Obviously.
In dreams.
Be who you really are in dreams.
It didn't happen.
I can't believe you two were lesbians.
It would be nice to be with someone who wasn't so hairy.
Lasered smooth all over.
Okay, well, I'm gonna have to see that later.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
Yes, sometimes we looks at each other's hoos.
Move on.
I mean, why do guys find the most random things sexy? Bobby lost it yesterday over some woman's height.
Well, how tall was she? - 5'7".
- Oh! Oh-ho, damn.
Whoo! 5'7".
Hee-hee-hee! I'm 5'6".
All men out.
- 5'6" - You're preaching to the choir, buddy.
That dream really spun me out.
I can't stop thinking about how fragile marriages are and how vulnerable they make you feel.
The whole thing is making me, well blue.
- No.
- Oh, God.
When you get blue, you get dark blue.
Like, one little notch above suicidal.
I mean, we haven't had to deal with this since the-failing-marriage/ first-time-you-noticed- your-arm-fat crisis of '06.
Yes.
I have to fight this.
I mean, I meant what I dream said to Grayson.
I mean, this is our first week of marriage.
I want him to see the best of me.
I don't want him to think he married some woman with a bunch of junk in the trunk.
I know I have a flat butt, but I decided that having "junk in the trunk" should mean having "emotional baggage.
" That makes sense.
Change approved.
I I've been on a real dry spell with the ladies.
Uh, be honest.
W would you have sex with me? Two quick questions.
Uh, in this scenario, am I a girl? Oh, yeah.
A hot one.
All right.
Cool.
And by having sex with you, would I be saving the world? Oh.
Hey, week one.
Jules is spinning.
It would really help if you could apologize for what you did in her dream.
No problem.
Should I also bring her flowers, or should I just give her one of those little ring boxes with my nuts in it? It's sad that they could fit in a ring box.
Look if she sinks into a full-on depression, no one's safe.
You watch.
Anyone with estrogen is gonna be dragged down into that blue vortex.
I would apologize, but I know how to behave in a dream.
That is even more insane than what tom just asked.
Let's say you woube saving the world.
Well, yes, in that case, I would hit that.
Yes.
Still got it.
- Andy.
- Yes.
Did you finish the quarterly estimate on the Pratt file? Yes, last week.
Oh.
Oh, damn it.
Oh, excuse me.
I told him I had a family thing, and I'd give him the file in the morning.
Worked perfectly.
See, Trav, first you run, and then you gather yourself, and - you even listenin'? - Definitely not.
How'd you know to answer? Dad, deep down, you know that "run from your problems" is terrible advice.
You've taught me a lot over the years, okay? But in this particular instance, there's a blind spot.
It's like how you give bites of your food to the homeless guy Shark and then wonder why you get sick all the time.
Jeez.
You really think there's a correlation? I'm not a doctor, but yes.
Good choice.
I'm just such a positive person, but the other 10%, I get super dark.
I mean, huge highs and lows.
Oh, so like a bipolar person.
Exactly.
No biggie.
You know, I was gonna try antidepressants, but Tom Cruise says that I can't.
You still make a lot of life decisions based on what Tom Cruise would do.
More than I'd like.
Look, I get wanting your first week of marriage to be perfect, but you guys have a really strong bond.
You know, like, remember when you first started dating Grayson, and you said you would break up with him if he ever let himself go and gained 100 pounds? See, that's not true anymore.
No, it still is.
I mean, 10 pounds, sure.
But 100? Why don't you just spit in my face? No, what I'm saying is, keep acting positive.
Pretend to be happy, and eventually, you probably will be.
I can do that.
I'm great at being fake.
Cha-ching.
That's the sound I think you hear in your head when you realize how screwed up I am.
Close.
Actually, it's more like a like a slot machine when it pays out.
Like, ching-a-ling-a-ling.
Ah, money.
Rich.
High five.
Okay.
Wade is perfect on paper.
He's sweet.
He's ripped.
He's so black, I feel like I'm in a sensory deprivation tank when he's on top of me.
But he's gonna be stationed overseas for a whole nother year.
You guys, I just don't know if I can make this relationship work over the phone.
What? Sorry.
Uh, bartender defense mechanism.
Whenever I get really bored, I just nod and zone out.
I warned you.
Jules' depression is spreading.
We have to do something.
- What? Sorry.
Wow.
Happened again.
- Look, I Whoa! It happened a third time.
That was a quick one.
Look, Jules is fine.
If she wasn't, she'd tell me.
She's not fine.
She's miserable.
Hey, babe.
Why don't we cut out of here and hit the beach for a while? Hell, yeah.
Why don't we have a dance party tonight? Huh? When is the last time we had a dance party? Not since never, ever.
Well, that's too long.
- Bye.
- Oh, there's Jerry.
Now look, instead of running, you're gonna face the music.
Oh, man.
I don't know.
Come on.
Confidence dance.
All right.
Give me the mirror.
Whoo.
Handsome.
All right.
All right.
How much do you owe him? We split a $12 pizza, but I ate the whole thing.
You know, actually, Shark and I ate it, and then I got a nasty head cold.
Hey, Bobby.
Jerry.
Bobby.
Jerry.
Bob.
Jules, honey, are you okay? Enough of this.
She's fine.
Just look at her.
Any little thing is gonna put her over the edge.
Oh, come on, girlfriend.
Don't be ridic.
Oh, God.
Don't tell me Ellie's right.
Jules? Hey, J-bird! Hey, Bobby! It's amazing that I'm even kind of normal.
Hey.
Where were you just now? I was lying on the floor of the tub sobbing.
You never pee in there, right? No.
I'm sorry I have so much junk in the trunk.
It means "emotional baggage" now.
No, it doesn't.
I hate it when you all do that.
Look, I get like this once every blue moon.
It's our first week of marriage.
I d I didn't want you to have to see that.
You should never have to see that.
I should get back to work.
Uh, it just it bums me out that you wouldn't tell me how you're really feeling.
Dagger.
Why would you tell him about my blues? You knew I wanted to keep that a secret.
I'm so mad at you.
I know.
But you'll never catch me.
Tom, now.
Aah! - Got her! - What? Hurry! She's really strong! Ow! I just got a text from one of my golf clients, and I can't make heads or tails out of it.
What does it mean again if it's all caps? He's either really mad or really excited.
So it's either "what about that golf lesson?" Or "What about that golf lesson?" I'm rolling the dice and going positive.
"I know.
It was awesome.
" No worries.
If he does get mad, you can always just run away.
Whoo! Now that is a rite of passage for a father, to hear that disappointment in his son's voice.
- And-o, you're with me, right? - And-o? I'm trying it out.
Come on.
An adult should not hide from a little conflict.
I'll say it again.
Never poo'ed in my own home.
You call yourself a man.
No, I don't.
Trav, you don't need me to teach you the basics of being a man.
But I'm a survivor.
And I could teach you some stuff for those rare occasions when things aren't going well, like how to deal with cops, or how to dodge bill collectors, or how to avoid getting your butt kicked by using your head.
You mean, like, talk your way through it? No, T-bone.
Use your head.
You know, I'm in such a funk.
I'm gonna say something my mom should've said two years ago this very night.
I'm gonna leave before I stab a bitch.
Okay, Jules.
I'm so sorry I J just zip it.
You have apologized to me so many times in our life that I could do the whole conversation myself.
"Ellie, I'm so angry at you.
" "Sure, sure.
" "What were you thinking?" "Sure, sure.
" Seems like you're a little stuck on "sure, sure.
" Then you would've said, "neh neh neh neh neh neh, neh neh neh neh neh neh neh neh," which means You didn't take that improv class - I got you for Christmas, did ya? - Which means? It means, I've always been your protector.
And I only told Grayson so he would be more sympathetic to what you were going through.
Honey, I'm married now.
I love you so much, but that's not your job anymore.
Sure, sure.
Now as your punishment I'm going to tell you what Andy did to you the other night.
Yeah.
Live with it.
I am so turned on right now.
I'm not in the mood to be laughed at.
Then that haircut was a bad choice.
Oh, good.
She still has her adorable edge.
I thought you promised that anyone with estrogen was gonna get depressed.
What's the point of anything? Jules Cobb is the light of our group.
And as she goes, so goes the rest of us.
For many years, I have been the keeper of that light.
But I now pass the torch to you.
Well, I'm only taking this torch because I love mime.
Okay.
What are my responsibilities? You take bullets, you clean up messes, and you do anything to keep her happy, no matter how insane it feels.
You were married to her, man.
Did you used to apologize for what you did in her dreams? Hell, no.
Of course, now I live alone in a parking lot.
Grayson, did you ever hear the expression "happy wife, happy life"? 'Cause I try to live by that.
Well, let's be honest.
Andy's my wife.
I'm okay with that.
Jules would die for you, stud.
What are you prepared to do? Well, no, it just sucks because most of my current feelings about fatherhood come from "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy.
Oh, stop.
Your dad rocks.
I mean, seriously, is this the kind of smart-guy "blah blah" that gets all the college girl panties piled up next to your futon? I don't put 'em in a pile.
I wear them as headbands as tribute.
You are such a nerd.
Oh, my life is just so messed up right now.
Seriously, what is so messed up? Wade life you.
Travis, are we ever gonna talk about all that stuff that you said to me last week? Shoot.
Excuse me.
That's my boy.
I am so sorry for how I acted in your dream.
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Oh, my God.
So why do we still have to have a dance party? Because they're awesome.
This year, on "Cougar Town" Everything changes.
Call the hospital.
I'm having this baby now! And she's not the only one.
I can't believe they all have the same daddy.
Life-changing decisions are made.
We have to tell Ellie and Jules.
If I hold this secret in any longer, I'll go Shh.
joins the cast as Laurie's foster sister.
Cupcakes? What, what? What, what? No, slut.
What, what.
You really get me.
Secrets are revealed.
I've got to go to work, and my car is broken.
And we say good-bye to a regular character.
Back in a jif! Yay! Yeah! Come on.
Cheers.
Or not.
We haven't decided, but please still watch.