Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e01 Episode Script

1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - wonderful guy.
- (applause) This has been the best summer of my life, and you're the reason why.
This is a list of all of the things that I have done.
It's bad.
How did you get in here? You sent me poop? You tried to kill my Lolo? And you manipulated me and lied to me.
JOSH: Why are you making me move? I have no apartment, no relationship, no career goals.
I feel like there's no ground under me.
NATHANIEL: The last few months have meant a lot to me.
I'll forget about everything else for you.
They say love makes you crazy.
No! (gasps) He was going to kill Nathaniel.
They're gonna charge you with attempted second-degree murder.
He was trying to hurt you.
I want you to plead not guilty Okay, not guilty.
by reason of insanity.
You have let me down so many times, and you are never going to be any different.
Wow, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
I want to face the consequences of what happened on that roof.
So I plead responsible.
I mean guilty.
I plead guilty.
(sighs) (clears throat) I'd like to get started.
The State is here.
Where is your counsel, Miss Bunch? I'm so sorry.
Nathaniel Mr.
-Mr.
Plimpton should be here any second.
Yeah, I'm not so sure about that, honey.
He stormed out.
He seemed really upset.
Nathaniel's gone.
I called him, but he won't answer.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I expected that.
I-I'll-I'll call him later and explain why I did what I did and that I still love him, and hopefully he'll listen to me.
So I guess I'll be acting as Rebecca's counsel.
Um, full disclosure, I specialize in real estate law.
Uh, Judge, can we get this over with? Because the State would like to close its case, - and I have to pee.
- REBECCA: Great.
Mean prosecutor has to pee, I'm guilty, so let's just scribble "guilty" on that pizzle pad and let's get this shizzow on the road.
Okay, just wait just a sizzecond.
Uh, Your Honor, may-may I just have a word? Are you also her lawyer? Not yet, uh, because I don't graduate for another couple of months, and then I will, like Mr.
Whitefeather, specialize in real estate law, but please, I'm begging you, please, please don't accept her plea.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't accept my plea? Paula.
What's wrong with you? I thought you knew what I was doing here.
I want to finally take responsibility for my life.
Do you remember the courtroom? I gave you a knowing smile, you gave me a knowing smile.
I thought we were on the same page, but now I guess we were, what, just two idiots smiling at each other? Everybody, just calm down.
That's why I brought you into chambers to tell you that I can't accept Miss Bunch's guilty plea.
For starters, it wasn't even really a plea.
It was more of a speech filled with, uh, irrelevant details that you delivered to this lady with your back to me, and then I find out that you're in a romantic relationship with your actual lawyer, who I'm guessing is also in ALL: Real estate.
- Right.
- So, but great.
Right? Y-You're not gonna accept Rebecca's plea, which means you-you can release her.
No.
Your Honor, respectfully, give me one second with my real estate lawyers.
Listen.
Hey.
Listen.
What are you guys doing? I really want to plead guilty, okay? - I want to go to jail.
- No.
This game is over.
You made your statement, and I dug it I mean, hence the smiling But you are not gonna go to jail for trying to defend someone from being murdered.
Yes, I am.
Your Honor, please.
I need to do penance.
If not only for this crime, then all of my past crimes, both real and metaphorical.
I need I want to go to jail.
Oh, well, I'm happy to hear that, 'cause that's exactly where you're going.
I'm sending you to county jail for six weeks.
Now, let's see how you like it in there, and then you can come back and have another hearing and decide how you want to plead.
We are done here.
Okay, okay, great.
I can work with this.
This isn't so bad.
It's six weeks.
That gives me plenty of time - to get the charges dropped.
- Nope, nope.
I don't care how many hearings we have.
I'm gonna plead guilty at every one of them.
And the next hearing after that.
Guilty.
And I forget what happens after that because I also specialize in real estate law, but this I do know: Jail is what I deserve.
(gate buzzes) I deserve this.
(door buzzes) I deserve this.
(cell door slams) - I deserve this.
- (crying) (coughing) GUARD: Next.
Contraband check.
Lift up your breasts, squat and cough.
(exhales) I deserve this.
(coughs) This one's not bad.
Why do you need these again? I mean, don't get me wrong.
I enjoyed purchasing them.
Nothing like walking up to a cash register with just an armful of murder.
Bet I'm not on any watch lists now.
I told you, I need a machete for my excursion.
Does everyone take a machete on a camping trip? It's not a pansy-ass camping trip.
It's an intense outdoor survivalist excursion.
That's why it's called Death Wish Adventures.
Love that name.
Sounds therapeutic.
Oh, it is, it is.
And for the low, low price of $100,000, I pay this company to beat me up, drive me out to the middle of the woods, and leave me alone to fend for myself.
(laughs) I can't wait! (sighs) Okay, look.
I know that you're going through a rough time, you know, with the woman you love publicly rejecting you in favor of incarceration, but, Nathaniel, why don't you just go and talk to her? Stop.
Okay? She chose what she chose.
I'm done.
I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to talk about her.
Look at this place.
I'm eating pizza and Chinese food.
Obviously, I need a complete reset.
Okay, yes, but there's got to be a better way to reset than killing yourself.
I'm not killing myself, George, okay? I'm going on a death wish adventure! Go buy me another bag.
Machete-proof.
Well, I can't go to the same store.
(sighs) I just can't believe Rebecca's in jail for murder.
I don't think it's murder.
It's pretty clear she was just defending Nathaniel.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I don't know what to think about her anymore.
I used to think Rebecca was so innocent and sweet.
Well, we all did, right? Not really.
Look, I like her and she's my friend, but she's done some crazy things, pretty much from day one.
So how did I still miss it? How did I miss it, Hector? Look, you loved her and you missed certain things because of that.
And she has mental health issues.
She has a disorder.
Disorder.
Yeah, maybe I also have a disorder.
- What, dude? - Yeah, think about it.
Okay, those things about Rebecca, they're not the only things I've missed, like, in life.
I-I didn't realize being a priest would be such a bummer.
I didn't realize I was dancing at a gay bar for, like, a month.
I didn't realize your mom doesn't like it when I whistle in the shower.
Now that you bring it up, it's weird you live with my mom.
You lived with your mom.
She's my mom.
Oh.
I see what you're saying.
Okay, I get it.
Yeah.
So (groans) that's weird.
See? I have a disorder.
Maybe.
(sighs) Or maybe you're a little oblivious, self-absorbed, and need to be more aware of the world around you.
No.
Disorder.
- Or - Disorder.
I have one.
I wonder which one.
REBECCA: I deserve this.
I deserve this.
I deserve this.
I deserve this.
I deserve this.
I deserve this.
I NICKY: Will you shut the hell up? You've been chanting that for days.
I'm in here for assault, and I'm trying to be good, but God help me, what you really deserve is a throat punch.
I'm sorry.
I'm just, I'm I'm sad and scared.
I came here to do penance, but I don't know what that looks like, and I think I just gave up the man I love, and, God, this place is terrible.
It's terrible in jail? Wow, really insightful analysis of the criminal justice system, Harvard.
How do you know I went to Harvard? Well, other than, "I deserve this," that's the only thing you've said since you got here.
Oh, sounds like I worked it in organically.
What? Well, sometimes it sounds like you're bragging.
Like, when people ask where you went to college, and you say, "I went to school in Boston," and they say, "Where in Boston?" and you say, "Cambridge," and they say, "Do you mean Harvard?" and you say, "Yeah," and they say, "Well, why didn't you just say Harvard?" and you say, "I didn't want to sound like I was bragging," and, oh, my God, I'm in jail! (crying) You can comfort me.
Yeah, I'm good.
(door buzzes, opens) Oh, thank God, activities time.
Yes! Activities? What do they have? Anything good? Eh, there's a nonprofit group that comes in and does theater with us.
I'm sorry does what? INMATES: - Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
Okay, let's pick up the pace, ladies.
Don't think, just react.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap! Oh, no, no.
Oh, I messed up.
- It was supposed to be z-zap.
- That's okay, Rebecca.
Why don't you start us off on the next round? Okay.
I have a question.
Um, do you only do theater games in here? No, sometimes we do scenes from plays or films or TV shows.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, um, I actually have an amazing idea, and I think it's something that could take this theater nonprofit outreach organization to the next level.
(piano playing) I'm as corny as Kansas in August High as a flag on the Fourth of July If you'll excuse an expression I use I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love She's in love (off-key): I'm in love with a wonderful guy! (piano flourish) (sighs) (indistinct chatter) (door buzzes) Okay, so, I am investigating everything to do with Trent.
Mm-hmm.
We have to prove that Trent was stalking you, but then we can show that your actions were in the defense of others.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Okay, look, I-I-I know you've committed to this whole penance thing here, but this is gonna get old real fast, and when it does, you're gonna be grateful that I am here trying to spring you.
Okay, Paula, I'm sorry, I know it's frustrating, but I've told you before, you're wasting your time.
I'm sorry, I want to be here.
It was the right decision.
And now, I just figured out what my penance will be.
Making a contribution to my theater class.
Okay, so I suggested we do South Pacific, which everyone loved.
- Uh, sure.
- And the thing I'm marinating on is: what do we do next? And I'm thinking Pippin.
Scottie Pippen from the Bulls? - I can't - Oh, my God.
Wow, how are we friends? No, Pippin.
It's a musical.
Uh-huh.
So Okay, it's a musical.
Look, honey, I'm-I'm - glad that you found a pastime - A penance.
Okay, I am going to get you out of here.
And the good news is, is that I'll probably be able to do it before you do Cats.
(laughing): Oh, I would never do Cats.
Come on.
I'm not that much of a dork.
(grunts) MAN: Enjoy your campsite! (laughs) (groans) Great beating, guys, thank you! MAN: Suck it, maggot! (laughs) Yeah.
Oh.
Ooh.
Okay.
(panting) (softly): Yes.
(laughs): Ah, that's why they said "maggot.
" Okay, that's funny.
Funny.
(chuckles) That's gonna miss the spot.
These guys are good.
They're good.
MAN: All right, let's go! Big stick here, big stick! (Josh muttering quietly) - No.
No.
- Oh, a quiz.
Ha.
All right, Quimblepop.
com, thank you for that quiche recipe.
Now tell me what disorder I have.
REBECCA: Okay, so there's Pippin, there's Godspell.
An unknown gem is Triumph of Love.
It's not perfect.
It's not perfect, Cybil.
Okay, Jasmine, may I have the talking balloon? Rebecca? Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Of course.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
Okay.
(whispers): Nicky, you have the balloon on the wrong face.
(whispers): No, it's on the right face.
The sad face.
I did not like the dumb South Pacific song.
- None of us liked it.
- (others murmur) Oh, I thought you guys did.
No.
Oh, I'm God, I'm so sorry.
It's dumb and it's old-fashioned.
Right, right, of course, I see.
We all appreciate your enthusiasm.
I don't.
Yeah, um, no, you're right.
Guys, I am so sorry.
I mean, look, the song's relevant to me.
It symbolizes a time in my life when I was, like, truly happy and I maybe thought, cosmically, that's why I'm in jail to, like, reenact that song somehow, but that's (grunts) that's not relevant to what's actually happening, right? I mean, I've never been to Polynesia.
Have you? Who's been to Polynesia? - I have.
- Okay.
So what we need to do Maybe we need to do something more relevant.
Right? Yeah.
Something that's more relevant to the here and now, to all your lives, to our lives.
I like the class the way it was.
Me, too.
Let's play Zip Zap Zop.
Zip zap stop, hear me out.
What we do is an original piece.
Yes.
Put up an original piece.
Uh, yes! Oh, man, this is what I can contribute.
This is my penance.
Okay, we put that piece up.
I mean, I'm sure that all of you have the most amazing stories filled with drama and romance and-and meaning.
- I have the talking balloon.
- R-Rebecca.
Okay, and we put those stories on their feet, and then NPR comes to the jail, and then Lin-Manuel Miranda tweets about it - What? - I'll show you what I mean.
(dramatic tango music playing) The hell? Story, story What's your story? Story, story What's your crime? What got you here? Rage, lust or fear? We all got a story 'cause we're doing time Ra-ta-ta Ra-ta-ta, Ra-ta-ta! (softly): Ra-ta-ta Tell-tell your story.
- Ra-ta-ta, Ra-ta-ta - Um, okay, fine.
My boyfriend had meth in the glove compartment of our car.
- Ra-ta-ta - And I got pulled over for something else - Ra-ta-ta - and a cop found it.
Ooh! Well, did you dump that good-for-nothing drug-planting boyfriend? No, we're still together.
I love him.
Oh! Well, did you at least tell the cops - that it was his meth? - (music stops) I mean, I could have turned him in, but my boyfriend and I have a son.
I can't risk our child having both parents in jail.
That's true.
That's a good, that's a good point.
- (music resumes) - Story, story Let's hear another story Story, story That one was just sad What does your story say about the patriarchy? We have all got stories 'Cause we did bad Ra-ta-ta, Ra-ta-ta Ra-ta-ta Story, go.
- Ra-ta-ta - Okay, I stole a sweater from the mall.
Ooh! Have you been stealing all your life? Was this the culmination of a lifetime of kleptomania? Or were you doing it to stick it to the problematic fashion industry? No.
The heat went out in my apartment and I couldn't afford a sweater, so I stole one.
Oh, hey, I stole a sweater, too.
I got two months.
How long are you in for? Three years.
- I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Mm.
Story, story These are barely stories They're just bleak anecdotes With no start or end Go, tell-tell your story.
- Tell your story.
- (music stops) Okay, sure, I have a story.
I'm in here for murder.
Ooh! Murder? Juicy! Ra-ta-ta While I was driving, my daughter texted me that she was in the hospital and I got so distracted that I hit a teenager who was crossing the street and he died.
(panting) Story, story Oh, my God, with that story Story, story Take away her chair Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Please.
I'm so sorry.
What can I do? Ugh, sorry.
Sorry.
Okay, you know what? I'm-I'm just gonna share my story.
Because you guys aren't really versed with a sense of story structure.
So I'm gonna, I'm gonna show you how it's done.
(grunts) I was a no-good, manipulative love addict with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.
I swindled.
Drum.
I cheated.
Drum! I called out a hit on my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend.
Drum, drum.
Then, one day, this guy Trent came into my life.
He was ironically just like me.
He tried to kill the man I loved, so I pushed him off a building! And then, when I pled guilty just for, like, metaphorical symbolism, the judge knew I was innocent so she didn't accept my plea, but I wanted to go to jail anyway.
- (music stops) - Wait, what? You don't have to be here? You chose to be here? Yeah! Ra-ta-ta Ra-ta-ta Ra-ta-ta - Wait.
Ra-ta-ta Ra-ta-ta, Ra-ta-ta Ra-ta-ta Ra-ta-ta, Ra-ta-ta (light clicks) Ra-ta-ta, Ra-ta-ta - Ra-ta-ta.
- (light clanks) So, surf sponsors.
Who are the surf sponsors? So, according to these quizzes, I have ADHD, OCD and synesthesia.
Oh.
When I think about the number five, I see the color blue and I smell daisies.
Daisies have no scent.
They do if you have synesthesia.
(scoffs) Yeah, Josh, you don't have any of those things.
- You really don't.
- Yes, I do.
Okay, for example, my OCD is why I list things.
Watch.
Here are the beers you have here: pilsner, pale ale, lager, hard cider, IPA, porter, stout and Hefeweizen.
Explain that.
Mm.
Yeah, you worked here.
That's why you know those.
I thought listing was an autism spectrum thing.
Exactly.
I have that, too.
Look right here.
Uh-huh.
Josh, where did you get these quizzes again? Quimblepop.
- Quimblepop? - Also, they're doing original programming now.
Have you seen Terrier Chef? Aw Josh, online quizzes are just click-bait; they're not real.
I once took a quiz, it told me I was Miranda from Sex and the City.
(laughs) When you're clearly a Charlotte.
Oh, I thought I was Carrie.
No, no, baby, no.
I'm Carrie.
Look, Josh, I really respect your search for self, but these are actual disorders people suffer from, and you're treating it like you're just, like, identity shopping.
Yeah, it's kind of gross.
HEATHER: What, Rebecca wants to be in jail, you want to have a disorder? This is, like, a really messed up episode of Sex and the City.
Wow, you guys don't want to accept who I am.
That is cruel and unfair, but it's your issue, not mine.
This is the kind of prejudices we've been dealing with for centuries.
Who is "we"? You just named eight communities.
Yeah, Josh, if you think you actually, like, have something, you should get some help, like, professional help.
I'm just a regional manager.
I don't need that.
The quizzes point you to some really helpful articles, which are free.
No, I think you guys should get on Quimblepop and figure out what disorder you have that makes you such crappy friends.
(insect chirping) Hey, buddy.
It's okay.
I'm your friend.
(grunting) That's okay.
It's protein.
You need protein.
Now time for some dew.
(grunts, spits) Okay.
(slurping) (crackling in distance) Who's there? Hey, pal.
Damn it.
How did you find me? The company said that my location was confidential.
Yeah, I threatened them legally, and it turns out they cannot afford another lawsuit.
Did you know some people have died while using Death Wish Adventures? What are you even doing here? Okay, so, long story, my old camp counselor is the real-life guy from 127 Hours.
I wasn't there for him that day on that slot canyon, and now he has no arm.
So I'm not leaving your side.
But don't worry about me, I'll just be roughing it alongside you.
And let me know if you want some juicy bratwurst, 'cause I brought a whole bunch of tasty meats.
(ska music playing) Could you turn off the ska? Now let me tell you something that (music stops) Can I ask you a question? - Nope.
- Cool.
I'm gonna keep going, then.
Is this whole thing helping you in some way? Is this helping you get over Rebecca? I'm not gonna talk, so Great, well, you know what? I'll talk.
All right? 'Cause I'm not going away.
Just like the ska band Less Than Jake didn't go away after their major label release flopped.
And don't think The Hippos didn't take notice of that.
That's another ska band.
So are the Impossibles.
There's a lot of s Okay, shut up, I'll talk.
Just stop talking about ska.
No.
I don't feel better.
Yet.
But I will.
I was pushing myself to the extreme.
It's how I work through setbacks.
Gets me out of my head.
When I got a 1400 on the PSAT, I climbed Mount Whitney.
Went Stanford water polo placed third at Nationals, I ran the Death Valley Marathon.
And when my best friend Trip joined a cult, I just straight up jumped into a frozen lake.
Almost lost a toe.
Wow.
Hot take: is it possible that this pain is not therapeutic? It's just more emotional cutting? No.
No, you're wrong, okay? That's not it at all, all right? Now, I'm done talking to you.
You want to be here? I can't make you go away.
But leave me alone, all right? Fine.
Then I'll just have my flank steak and bratwurst all by myself.
Sh It's so good to see you.
What are you eating? You look so tight.
Ugh, I wish I was in jail.
Yeah, no.
Sorry.
Okay, Rebecca? We have something to tell you.
You know what? I have something to tell you.
I figured out something huge.
I am privileged.
That just occurred to you just right now? Right.
It I know.
It's a shock to me, too.
But I am privileged.
And I'm myopic.
Okay, Rebecca, stop.
Listen, no, I have some news.
Oh, my God, please don't spoil Terrier Chef for me.
It's the only thing I have left.
Please.
No.
Oh, I haven't seen it, either.
La, la, la, la No.
What? Girl, stop.
You have a new hearing.
What? Why? It's a miracle.
Trent woke up from his coma and confessed to everything.
To stalking you, to trying to kill Nathaniel.
Yeah.
The state has no case anymore.
Yep, you got a new hearing tomorrow.
All the charges are gonna be dismissed, and you will be out.
I just got you out of jail.
You're gonna be free! It's great news, right? PAULA: Oh, you do not still want to stay here? Of course I do.
What did you expect? I came here to pay penance, and I have not done that yet.
I did the opposite of that.
I was selfish and I tried to force my own narrative on these women, and steal their stories for my own purposes.
And for what? For what? For a Lin-Manuel Miranda tweet? Oh, he is so inspirational.
Did you know he grew that ponytail just for that show?, HEATHER: What? Okay, Rebecca, I hate to break it to you, but you know, whatever you do in here, nothing is gonna change the fact that you're a rich white lawyer lady who pled guilty for dramatic effect.
It's kind of gross.
Exactly.
Yeah, it's gross.
So now you expect me just to waltz out of here, and not even serve my mandatory six weeks? My theater friends can't do that.
Uh-uh-uh, honey, you staying here doesn't help anyone who's been wronged, just like your guilty plea didn't help anyone you'd wronged.
HEATHER: Yeah, and none of that matters anyways, because Paula got the charges dropped Yes.
so you're getting out of here whether you like it or not.
Well, I don't like it.
I'm sorry.
PAULA: Honey, people just don't want to stay in jail.
I don't understand.
I know you don't, Paula.
No one does.
(sighs) Do you ever feel so alone That if you were to pick up the phone No one else would be on the other end? Have you ever been far from home? So scared you had to roam And now you're beaten and tired With no one to call a friend? He doesn't count You tried your best to make a change But people just think you're strange And you feel like No one else is singing my song No one knows the rhythm Enough to sing along If only someone could see In three-part harmony How alone, how alone, how alone Only I am It's late and getting colder You're only getting older And you're next to someone who is fast asleep That's so specific Does anyone understand? Would anyone understand? Could anyone understand? Of course not, 'cause no one else Is singing my song No one knows the rhythm enough to sing along When the core of your problem is a Complicated melisma No one gets how alone How alone, how alone Only I am But maybe while I'm singing my song Someone else is singing along About a third higher and they echo at a different moment (high-pitched): Moment 7 How beautiful would it be (regular pitch): If it was the entire company? But that's impossible Impossible Impossible, impossible Impossible Or is it? Of course not, no one else is singing my song We're out of paper bags I mean, duh, no one knows The ever-changing rhythm enough to sing along If only someone could see In 11-part harmony Or maybe just unison It's logistically impossible I am super unique Hold out my lonely hands Ah Oh, hey, guys.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi, guys.
- Why am I here? - I didn't see you guys there.
- Hey, Darryl.
- (overlapping chatter) Only I am.
H-Hey.
Do you know any good therapists? George.
Hey.
I'll take one of those meats now.
Okay.
Hi.
Let's go.
- Mmm.
- Another spicy Italian link? - Duh.
- All right.
So good, so spicy.
Ah.
Ah - Let me try some water.
- Water? - Yeah.
- Here you go.
So much better than dew.
(laughs softly) Make you feel better? No.
Well, now, did the torture make you feel better? No, that's why I gave up on the torture.
I don't, I don't know.
I don't know what it is, George.
Maybe I'm just broken.
That is such a sad thing to say.
Part one.
Part two, really good title for a ska song.
Stay with me.
Two, three, four.
(imitates percussion) Ting, ting, ting, ting Ting, ting, ting, ting Maybe I'm just broken (imitates trombone) Trumpets now.
(imitates trumpets) And then - (phone chimes) - (sighs) That's interesting.
What no.
Don't-don't tell me what it is, all right? No news from the real world.
I'm still on a retreat.
Rebecca just got out of jail.
What? Let me see that.
You see? That news made you feel better.
You're right.
(scoffs) Of course it did.
I need to see her, George.
- That's what I need.
- Yes.
I have been saying that since the beginning.
Yes, you need to go talk to her.
Yep.
Yep, this feels right.
This feels good.
This feels good.
All right.
Let's pack up and go.
JOSH: So that's about it.
That's my life story.
It really is.
You started at conception.
Interesting you know that story.
So, um, like, how do we treat all these things I have? Like, which do we do first, Dr.
Man Akopian? Should we do OCD first? Because I might get OCD about my OCD.
Josh, I don't know how to tell you this.
Actually, I do.
You don't have any of those disorders.
I really wish people would stop taking those online quizzes.
They're very inaccurate.
I mean, on Sex and the City quizzes, I always get Steve, but I'm clearly an Aidan.
But so if-if I don't have a disorder, what can I do? Because something is clearly wrong.
You can do exactly what you're doing sitting here with me.
Look within.
Josh, it's not about checking a box and getting a fancy label, or 12, for what's bothering you.
Instead, you can think about the choices you make and why you make them.
That sounds hard.
Yeah, yeah.
But don't worry.
It will take a long time.
Okay.
(chuckles) Nice custom banner, babe.
Yeah, they weirdly had it at the store.
(baby crying) Wait, whose baby is that? Are you, are you kidding? It's my baby.
The one you helped me make? Oh! Right, right, right, right.
HECTOR: Hey, Rebecca, I'm making - my favorite ceviche.
- Mm.
Family recipe? No, I got it from Quimblepop.
Also, took the quiz again, and you're looking at a Carrie.
You gamed the quiz to get that, Charlotte.
Hey.
You okay? Feeling better? Honey.
Honey, you're home.
You're with your people.
What do you want to do next? Pie? Ice cream? Donut? Wow, we really need to find some non food-related activities for us, don't we? Paula, I don't want to do anything.
Everything I do is wrong, by definition.
Because of my privilege.
Okay, that's it.
I've had enough.
Rebecca, if I hear you say the word "privilege" one more time You have privilege.
I'm glad you acknowledge it.
So now you have a choice.
Do something good for the world that actually helps people, or shut up.
But stop whining.
Baller Miranda move.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're right.
You're right.
I need to do something practical, to counteract my my pri my, uh, systemic socioeconomic racial and cis-gender advantages.
(Knocking) Oh, you mean that? Hi.
Hi.
Can I talk to you for a second? Good banner.
(door closes) Um, look, before you say anything, I-I I want to say I'm sorry.
I stormed out of the courthouse, and I took your plea personally, and I shouldn't have.
I'm just I'm just so glad you're out of jail.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, it feels so good to hear you say that.
You were so mad at me.
Mm.
'Cause you reall You have to know that all the things I said in that courtroom truly had nothing to do with how I feel about you.
I still love you, Nathaniel.
I love you, too.
(laughs softly) Oh, I'm so glad all this drama's behind us.
What happened to your face? Oh, it was, uh, camping.
Long story.
- What? - Yeah.
I'm just so glad we can be free and clear now.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I still have some work to do.
A lot of work to do, actually.
Going to jail was totally misguided, but I meant what I said in the courtroom.
You know? About being a better person.
I want to do that, somehow.
Right.
You want to make some donations, serve on some boards.
No, more than that.
I want to I don't know, I want to get in there and make a difference.
Okay.
Sounds vague, but, um, why don't we talk about that after dinner, or better yet, after Hawaii? - (laughs): Hawaii? - Yeah.
I called the Four Seasons Hualalai, and I got us a room.
(laughs): I mm.
Mm.
You know what? I'm so sorry, I just, I have, I have a lot to think about right now.
I got to figure a lot of stuff out, so, yeah, I can't.
Hawaii-Hawaii has to wait.
(sighs) Rebecca, you are being so silly.
(chuckles) I'm being silly? And selfish, too.
I mean, I-I, I just want us to be happy and together.
That's what I want.
Y-You just said you love me, right? So can you just do that for me? Can you stop overthinking everything? Okay, I'm not overthinking things, I'm just trying to be a good person.
Really? Because from where I'm sitting, every time we're happy, you try to ruin it.
- Um - I-I Yeah, you should go right now.
Okay, fine.
Oh! She's coming.
Go, go, go, go.
(door opens) DARRYL: Mmm.
I'm loving this ceviche.
Darryl, you don't have anything in your hands.
So what happened? I heard him mention Hawaii, and then you started whispering.
Which is rude.
Look, I'm in love with him.
I am, but we just don't have the same priorities right now.
Maybe we won't ever, I-I don't know.
I truly don't know.
(exhales) All I know is I need to find my own answer, and it lies somewhere between jail and Hawaii.
So amazing those are your choices.
You know what? I'll figure it out.
- Hey, Darryl? - Hmm? - Hook me up with some of that ceviche.
- Sure.
Oh.
Thanks.
HECTOR: This is so confusing.
I actually made ceviche.
So what's next, Cookie? - Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
Zap.
I think they were on zop.
Sorry.
Zop.
What is she doing here? Rebecca would like to volunteer.
But not with, not with theater.
Don't worry.
Um So when I'm not forcing my opinions and entitlement on everybody else Sorry for that I'm actually a pretty good lawyer.
And I don't know much about criminal cases, but I can study up and with your permission, I would love to try and help you and any of the other women in here.
JASMINE: I told her I thought it was a great idea.
And the warden approved it.
So what do you guys think? So she's not gonna sing? Or pick the songs? No.
Again, I'm just, I'm here to give legal advice.
- And she can't mention Sondheim.
- Duly noted.
I do kind of like the show Cats, though.
- Cats is cool.
- We should do Cats.
Let's do Cats.
Great.
Sign me up for front row tickets.
Who doesn't like Cats? It's delightful.
Who cares if there's no plot? Trent.
Wake up! Wake up.
Trent! I am not buying this for a second.
Coma my ass.
Wake up, you psychotic, turtlenecked piece of crap.
If you do not wake up right now and confess to everything, I am gonna call Princeton and tell them to take back your degree.
Actually, I went to school in Boston.
Aha! Damn it.