Doug (1991) s04e01 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
Wingo:
ROGER!
WHAT, WHAT?
EEK.
( glass breaks )
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL,
I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF TESTS
BUT NEVER ANYTHING
LIKE TODAY'S MATH TEST.
IT SEEMED LIKE EVERYBODY
UNDERSTOOD THE PROBLEMS
EXCEPT ME.
UH, LET'S SEE.
A TRAIN LEAVES BLOATSBURG
TRAVELING AT 100 KILOMETERS
AN HOUR.
AT THE SAME TIME,
A TRAIN LEAVES NEW HAMSTER
TRAVELING AT 200 KILOMETERS
AN HOUR.
IF NEW HAMSTER IS
600 KILOMETERS FROM BLOATSBURG
HOW LONG BEFORE
THE TWO TRAINS COLLIDE?
COLLIDE!
UM, 100 DIVIDED
MULTIPLIED
A 100 UH.
( screams )
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( yelps )
( barks )
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!
I HAD FLUNKED A MATH TEST, ALL
ON ACCOUNT OF A STUPID TRAIN.
I'LL EXPLAIN
IT AGAIN, OKAY?
THE TRAINS' COMBINED
VELOCITY
IS 200 PLUS 100
EQUALS 300, RIGHT?
SO 600 KILOMETERS DIVIDED BY
THE COMBINED
VELOCITY
DIVIDED BY SIX
OVER THREE
WHICH IS TWO,
GET IT?
UM, TWO WHATS?
TWO HOURS, MAN.
BUT I'M BAD IN MATH--
I COULD
BE WRONG.
( thump )
I LOVE THIS JOB.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, MR. WILLICKER.
ANY PACKAGES?
DOGITUDE,
CHEEK AND JOWL
BONE OF THE MONTH
( sniffs )
OOH, PERFUME, MM-MMM.
( Porkchop growls )
AND FOR THE
HUMANS: BILLS
BILLS
BILLS
AND A BLUFFINGTON
SCHOOL NOTICE.
Doug:
TO THE PARENTS OF DOUG FUNNIE.
( gasps )
A SCHOOL NOTICE FOR MY PARENTS.
WE'RE GOING TO A
PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE?
DOUG, YOU FLUNKED A MATH TEST?
YOU'RE BEING SUSPENDED?
YOU'RE BEING SENT BACK
THREE GRADES?
YOU'RE EXPELLED?
THEY'RE TEARING UP YOUR
PERMANENT RECORD?
YOU FLUNKED A MATH TEST?
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST?
( sirens )
( screams )
I JUST GOT TO FIND OU
WHAT THIS THING SAYS.
HOLD IT UP
TO THE LIGHT.
Doug:
"DEAR PARENTS,
WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU"
UH, I CAN'T READ THE REST.
MAN
I HAVE TO KNOW
WHAT'S IN THIS.
I HAVE TO.
DOUG, IT'S OKAY, MAN.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
( computer bleeps )
Doug:
SO YOU GUYS CAN TAP
INTO THE SCHOOL COMPUTER
AND FIND OU
WHAT'S IN THE NOTICE?
SUCH THINGS ARE CHILD'S PLAY.
AND IT'S NOT AGAINST THE RULES?
ABSOLUTELY NOT--
PERFECTLY LEGAL.
( alarm )
Woman:
Hackers have penetrated
the school computer.
OOPS.
BAIL OUT.
RUN FOR IT.
( computer bleeps )
( giggling )
THANKS ANYWAY, GUYS.
OOH
THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OU
WHAT WAS INSIDE
WAS TO OPEN IT MYSELF
BUT HOW COULD I OPEN
MY PARENTS' MAIL?
JUST ONE SNIP--
THEY'LL NEVER NOTICE.
CAREFUL
CAREFUL.
OOPS.
( whimpers )
JUST A LITTLE
OW!
OOH, I STAINED IT.
WHERE'S THE LIQUID WHITE?
OH, NO-- TISSUES.
I NEED SOME
OH, NO!
WHAT THE
NO!
WHERE DID I PUT THAT?
( Porkchop barking )
HELP!
THIS HAS GOT TO WORK.
YEAH "DEAR PARENTS,
WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU"
OH, NO!
THE INK'S RUNNING.
WE'VE GOT TO DRY IT OUT.
( barks )
( phone rings )
HELLO?
HEY, DOUG.
PATTI!
Mom:
I'M HOME!
MOM!
MY GOODNESS, WHAT A DAY.
WE SUCCESSFULLY
COMPOSTED
AN ENTIRE SE
OF LAWN FURNITURE.
HUH?
STOP!
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
OH-OH.
IT'S A SURPRISE.
( phone rings )
HELLO.
DOUG, CAN WE TALK?
WHAT IS GOING ON?
NO!
NOT YOU, PATTI.
DOUG, I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU
ONE QUICK THING!
( screams )
Mom, don't!
WHAT?
NOW WHAT'S THIS
BIG SURPRISE, HMM?
OH, HOW NICE.
TEA.
HUH?
A NICE CUP OF TEA,
JUST WHAT I NEEDED.
AND THE MAIL
ALL NEATLY LAID OUT.
OH, DOUGLAS
SOMETIMES YOU'RE
JUST SO THOUGHTFUL.
I THINK I'M GOING
TO LAY DOWN FOR A SECOND.
YOUR FATHER
SHOULD BE HOME SOON.
IT'S HIS NIGHT TO COOK.
OKAY, MOM.
OKAY, SHE HAS THE NOTICE.
DON'T PANIC.
WHAT WOULD SMASH ADAMS DO HERE?
( radar blipping )
( crash )
YAH!
( James Bond music )
( with English accent: )
THANKS, MUM.
( snoring )
WHAT AM I DOING?
I CAN'T STEAL MAIL
FROM MY OWN MOTHER.
Judy:
WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?
I I WAS JUST
SNEAKING INTO
MOM AND DAD'S ROOM?
NICE TRY, AGENT "W."
UNFORTUNATELY YOU
FORGOT ABOUT ME--
MISTRESS NINJA.
AYAH!
JUDY, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
AYAH!
Doug:
HEY, CUT IT OUT!
MY GOODNESS.
HELLO.
Patti:
Doug!
PATTI, CAN I CALL YOU BACK?
IT'LL TAKE A SECOND.
OKAY, BUT MAKE IT QUICK.
( making karate chops )
( dial tone )
WILL YOU TWO PLEASE
KEEP IT DOWN!
I'VE HAD A HARD DAY
AND I'M TRYING
TO TAKE A NAP.
Both:
SORRY, MOM.
I'LL GO GET YOUR MUG
FOR YOU, MOM.
THAT'S SWEET OF YOU,
DOUGLAS.
HONESTLY, JUDITH--
CAN'T YOU CONTROL
YOUR THEATRICAL URGES?
I WAS ALMOST HOME-FREE.
Dad:
HELLO, MARY, I'M HOME.
HEY, MISTER,
WHAT YOU GOT THERE, HUH?
UH
YOU'RE SURROUNDED, SMASH ADAMS.
THERE'S NO HOPE
OF ESCAPE.
( evil laughter )
Villain:
GIVE US THAT LETTER, NOW!
( gulps )
SO THIS WAS IT.
IT WAS EITHER DESTROY THE LETTER
OR ADMIT EVERYTHING
AND TAKE WHAT I HAD COMING.
I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO.
MOM, DAD, THIS IS
FOR YOU FROM SCHOOL.
WELL, IT LOOKS
PRETTY BANGED UP.
THANKS A LOT, POSTAL SERVICE.
NO, DAD, I DID THAT.
I TRIED TO OPEN I
WITHOUT YOU KNOWING.
WHY WOULD YOU DO
A THING LIKE THAT?
I WAS AFRAID OF WHAT IT MIGH
SAY-- THAT YOU'D BE MAD.
WE'RE YOUR
PARENTS, SON.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
HIDE THINGS FROM US.
WE LOVE YOU.
( doorbell rings )
Patti:
HELLO, IS ANYBODY HOME?
PATTI, SORRY
I DIDN'T CALL BACK.
I
HMM DOUG, ARE YOU
HAVING TROUBLE IN SCHOOL?
WELL
THAT'S WHAT I'VE
BEEN TRYING TO
TELL YOU, DOUG!
MRS. WINGO SAYS I SHOULD
TUTOR YOU IN MATH FOR AWHILE.
OH, HOW NICE.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO STAY FOR DINNER?
SURE, MRS. FUNNIE.
I BETTER CALL MY DAD
AND SEE IF IT'S OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS
SO SCARED OF THAT STUPID LETTER.
IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH
I WENT THROUGH
TO AVOID SOMETHING THA
TURNED OUT TO BE PRETTY GREAT.
SO YOU JUST DIVIDE
THE DISTANCE, 600
BY THE SPEED, 300
AND YOU GET
THE TIME, WHICH IS TWO!
I'M GETTING
THE HANG OF IT.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
OH, NOTHING.
( train whistle blows )
Kids:
ONE, TWO, THREE, TWO
ONE, TWO, THREE, THREE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
I GOT IT.
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL--
WE WERE TRYING
TO KICK FIELD GOALS
IN GYM CLASS TODAY WHEN
( grunts )
( sighs )
TRY AGAIN!
YOU'LL MAKE ONE SOONER OR LATER.
IT'S NO USE, SKEETER.
NO, I CAN FEEL IT.
57 IS YOUR LUCKY NUMBER.
( growls )
Coach:
WHY CAN'T YOU KICK
IN TONIGHT'S GAME?
YOU CAN USE YOUR
OTHER LEG, RIGHT?
THE DOCTOR SAID TO
STAY OFF IT, COACH.
THAT QUACK-- HOW WILL
I FIND A KICKER?
OW!
OOH.
HEY
IT'S GOOD!
DOUG FUNNIE
SCORES AND WINS!
SKEETER, I FINALLY
MADE ONE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
Coach:
HEY, YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS--
YOU'RE MY NEW
FIELD GOAL KICKER.
HUH?
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( splat )
( crowd cheering )
Announcer:
With four seconds left
THE HONKERS AGAIN DECIDED
TO GO WITH THEIR STAR KICKER
DOUG "THE TOE" FUNNIE.
IT'S A 99-YARD KICK--
CAN YOU DO IT?
TAKE IT EASY, COACH.
Girls:
OOH!
GO, TOE!
Crowd:
GO TOE!
WE ARE THE FUNNIE FAN CLUB
WE COME TO EVERY DAY
TO WATCH OUR FAVORITE PLAYER,
DOUG FUNNIE IS HIS NAME
D-O-U-G, DOUG!
( cheering )
HIKE!
( players grunting )
Toe has done it!
The farthest field goal
in history!
YOU'VE JUST WON
THE BEEF BOWL CLASSIC.
WHAT WILL YOU DO NOW?
I'M GOING TO FUNKYTOWN.
I GOT YOUR SHOE.
COACH SPITZ
WANTS ME TO KICK
FOR THE BIG GAME TONIGHT.
WHAT WILL YOU TELL HIM?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DON'T YOU KNOW
HOW BIG THIS IS?
I'M GOING
TO BE THE GUY
I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'
KICK FOR BEANS.
OH, MAN.
SKEETER,
YOU'RE RIGHT--
I CAN'
KICK A FIELD GOAL.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
IT'LL BE A DISASTER.
WHY YOU DON'T YOU
JUST TELL COACH SPITZ
YOU CAN'T DO IT?
YEAH, I'M SURE
HE'LL UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T KICK?
WHAT HAPPENED TODAY,
WELL, THAT WAS JUST A
MENTAL PREPARATION.
I ALWAYS SQUEEZE THE
GUTS OUT OF VEGETABLES
BEFORE THE BIG GAME.
SQUEEZE IT LIKE
YOU MEAN IT, SON.
( grunting )
GUESS I'M NOT MUCH
OF A TOMATO SQUEEZER, SIR.
THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A TINY BOY
UNLESS YOU CONFRONT YOUR FEARS
HEAD-ON LIKE A MAN.
NOW COME HERE
UP ON YOUR DESK?
THAT'S RIGHT, UP HERE.
LOOK DOWN THERE.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
STUPID?
NO, TALL!
UP HERE YOU'RE A BIG MAN
WITH NO FEARS.
90% OF FOOTBALL IS
A MENTAL GAME, FUNNIE.
SO YOU WILL KICK
FOR THE HONKERS TONIGH
AND YOU WILL STAND TALL.
I WILL?
YUP.
SQUEEZE I
LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
GAME'S AT 6:00.
I PRACTICED FOR HOURS,
BUT IT SEEMED
THAT ONE GREAT KICK
WAS JUST A TOTAL ACCIDENT.
WHOA!
I'M GOING TO NEED SOME HELP.
FOOTBALL FOLLIES
GREAT GRID IRON STORIES,
PIGSKIN PARADE
IAN STENBLATTERS' QUICK GUIDE
TO FIELD GOAL KICKING
PERFECT!
"TO KICK A PERFECT FIELD GOAL
JUST FOLLOW THESE 27
EASY-TO-REMEMBER STEPS"
GREAT!
( sadly: )
GREAT.
Coach Spitz:
ALL RIGHT
GRAB A FRUIT AND LISTEN UP.
OUR TEAM HAS NEVER SCORED A
POINT AGAINST BLOATSBURG-- WHY?
BECAUSE THEY'RE
BIGGER, BETTER
AND BRAVER.
BUT TODAY IS A NEW DAY
AND WE HAVE A NEW KICKER.
FUNNIE!
( screams )
AS I SAID, WE HAVE A NEW KICKER
AND THIS KID HAS A GOLDEN TOE.
DUH
IF WE GET NEAR THE GOAL POST,
OUR WORRIES ARE OVER.
Man:
HEY SPITZ!
WANT TO SEE
MY NEW SECRET WEAPON?
( growling )
PERCY FEMUR!
I THOUGHT HE WAS STILL
IN REFORM SCHOOL.
( groans )
YOU DON'T SCARE ME, BARNEY.
I GOT MY OWN SECRET WEAPON:
THE BOY WITH THE GOLDEN TOE.
( titters )
( growling )
FEMUR, TIE YOUR SHOE!
HUH? OH, THANKS, COACH.
THE HONKERS HAVE WON THE TOSS.
THEY WILL RECEIVE FIRST.
LET'S PLAY FOOTBALL!
GET ON OUT THERE.
KILL, KILL, KILL!
THAT PERCY FEMUR
IS JUST A SOGGY TOMATO
IN YOUR HAND.
"STEP 11, THE HOLDER SHOULD
ANGLE THE FOOTBALL
AT 34-DEGREES"
Patti:
HEY, DOUG!
I'M ROOTING FOR YOU!
( titters )
( growling )
ALL RIGHT!
( cheering )
( grunts )
TOUCHDOWN, BLOATSBURG!
FEMUR, YOUR SHOES!
HUH? OH.
( bell rings )
TIME-- TIME OUT.
OKAY, MEN, GET IN HERE.
HEY, DOUG,
GREAT, HUH?
GREAT?
YEAH, LOOKS LIKE
YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO KICK!
NOW PAY ATTENTION.
I CALL THIS THE
DOUBLE-INGO-BONGO-FIRE-AWAY.
SEE, RIGHT TACKLE IN AROUND
LIKE THIS, SEE.
THIS GUY PULLS HERE-- BOOM!
THIS GUY CRACKS BACK-- BAM!
GUYS ARE HITTING AND
RUNNING ALL OVER.
IT'S JUST LIKE FOOTBALL
AND YOU WHO AM I KIDDING?
CHALKY, GET IN THERE AND MAKE UP
YOUR OWN PLAY.
HIKE!
( players grunting )
WHOO, GO CHALKY!
NO, CHALKY, NO!
Crowd:
CHALKY, CHALKY, CHALKY, CHALKY!
WAY TO GO!
WE HAVEN'T BEEN THIS CLOSE
IN YEARS!
"STEP 14, TO COMPENSATE FOR
WIND, PLANT NON-KICKING FOOT"
Coach:
FUNNIE!
WE NEED YOUR GOLDEN TOE.
IT'S FIRST DOWN--
SHOULDN'T WE RUN A FEW PLAYS?
THEY'RE EXPECTING
THAT.
NOW GET OUT THERE AND
KICK IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!
YOU CAN DO IT DOUG!
IT'LL BE OVER
IN A MINUTE, BUDDY!
DOUG, ARE YOU READY?
KICK IT LIKE I MEAN IT,
KICK IT LIKE I MEAN IT.
KICK IT LIKE I MEAN IT.
DOUG!
UH-HUH.
SET, HIKE!
NO GOOD, THE SHOE DOESN'T COUNT!
WHAT KIND OF KICK
WAS THAT?
GET OFF MY FIELD, BOY.
Barney:
HEY SPITZ--
WAS THAT YOUR BOY
WITH THE GOLDEN TOE?
LOOKED MORE LIKE ONE OF YOUR
ROTTEN TOMATOES TO ME!
( laughs spitefully )
IT WAS THE WORST MOMEN
OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
AND DON'T TOUCH
MY TOMATOES.
AFTER I BLEW IT
I JUST SAT THERE
WATCHING THE REST OF THE GAME
AS PERCY FEMUR CONTINUED
TO SLAUGHTER US.
IN THE THIRD QUARTER ALONE,
HE SCORED 35 POINTS.
( players screaming )
( cheering )
COACH SPITZ HAD PROBLEMS
KEEPING THE TEAM ON THE FIELD.
GET IN THERE,
YOU BIG BABY.
BUNCH OF SISSIES.
OH, WALK IT OFF.
TRAITOR!
( groans loudly )
WHAT DO I DO, COACH?
WE'RE A MAN SHORT.
ISN'T THERE ANYBODY MAN ENOUGH
TO GO ON OUT THERE?
OH, I GUESS NOT.
COME ON IN, CHALKY.
WE'LL HAVE TO FORFEIT
WAIT, COACH
I'LL GO IN.
Crowd:
COME ON, DOUG!
HUH?
OH-OH.
I'VE DONE SOME PRETTY
DUMB THINGS IN MY LIFE
BUT THIS HAD TO BE ONE
OF THE DUMBEST.
( crowd cheering )
( growls )
( grunts )
( moans )
STAND TALL,
SQUEEZE TOMATOES.
COMPENSATE
FOR THE WIND.
Crowd:
GO, GO!
YOUR SHOELACES
ARE UNTIED.
HUH?
I'M GOING TO MAKE A TOUCHDOWN!
CHALKY!
( wild cheering )
ALL RIGHT, DOUG!
WAY TO GO!
THAT WAS GREAT!
HUH, WHAT THE?
WE SCORED, WE ACTUALLY SCORED.
EVEN THOUGH
WE DIDN'T WIN THE GAME
( rumbling )
NO, NO.
( cheering )
IT SURE FELT LIKE WE DID.
MAYBE I WASN'T A KICKER,
BUT AT LEAST I STUCK IN THERE.
IN NEXT WEEK'S GAME
LET'S TRY
FOR TWO TOUCHDOWNS.
ONE WAS GOOD,
BUT TWO WOULD BE BETTER.
BUT COACH
NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS.
YOU'RE MY BOY WITH THE GOLDEN
THE GOLDEN
WELL, THE GOLDEN SOMETHING.
BUT I WANT YOU TAKE THESE
TOMATOES HOME AND GET TO WORK.
( football band music playing )