Empty Nest (1988) s04e01 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery One by one - one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on He did what? He did what? Come on, joette, he's workin' in the morgue.
How can he be datin' one of his patients? I hate those soap operas.
So then what happened? Well, let me know tomorrow.
Okay, bye-bye.
- Huh.
- Hi, Laverne.
Wanda sue, what are you doin' down here? Darlin', let me look at you.
How's that by girl of yourn? She must be such a big girl by now.
Madonna? Comin' on four months old.
Oh, where does the time get to? Before you know it, she'll be out of high school.
Before you know it, I'll be out of high school.
Now, ain't that somethin'? How's married life? Lonny still treatin' you like a newlywed? Well, that's kind of the reason I'm here.
We had this fight, and lonny took off.
He thinks he can boss me around just because he started shavin'.
Well, I need some help around the house too.
I mean, I know he's tired when he gets home from McDonald's.
Well, that's what you get when you married a career man.
When he put that ninja turtle ring on your finger, that meant for better or for worse.
I love him so.
Chicklet? No, I'm fine.
Oh, Laverne, what am I gonna do? - Oh, honey.
- I've got to find him and bring him home! Oh, honey.
Do you have a tissue? Well, sure.
Now, honey, just take it easy, now.
You You and lonny are so young, honey.
You just gonna have to give it some time, that's all.
Where's my tissues? Where's my tissues? Give it a little time.
Doctor Weston, I want you to meet my cousin, Wanda.
I'd love to.
Where is she? Wanda! - Wanda! - Oh, is this hers, here? Gee.
What the heck is that? Well, if you have to ask me that, you must be the dumbest pediatrician on the face of the earth.
Have a good day? I didn't get the promotion to sergeant.
I can't believe it.
Yeah, I scored highest on the test.
I have seniority.
Carol, I've got to do some rethinking about my career.
Well, it's sexism, pure and simple.
I mean, why do they always ignore women.
Women are smarter, they're They're more sensitive.
They're better under pressure.
Carol, the one who be me out is a woman.
That slut.
I wish she hadn't pinned the note to the diaper.
"Please don't be mad at me, Laverne.
" Too late for that.
Oh, she wants me to watch the baby while she goes a-lookin' for lonny.
Well, take the afternoon off, if you need to.
Well, I've got to go after Wanda.
Somebody else is gonna have to watch Madonna.
Would love to do it, Laverne, but I've got that speech at the fundraiser.
I can't get out of that.
Well, how about Barbara and Carol? You think they'd watch her? I don't know about Barbara.
Carol might do it, if she's free.
She's free.
Maybe she needs changing again.
I've changed her three times already.
Then feed her.
Why, so we can change her again? Oh, if only she'd fall asleep, but she just doesn't seem tired.
Of course she's not tired.
I've been doing every little thing for her.
She hasn't lifted a finger.
Oh, why does she have to carry on like that? Because she's in a strange house, in a strange bed, and she misses her mommy.
Sounds like my honeymoon.
Let's see what the doctor Spock tape has to say.
Wait a minute.
She's falling asleep.
Thank god.
Maybe this will calm her down.
No, Barbara, not like that.
You have to test it first to see if it's the right temperature.
Seems okay to me.
Not like that.
Hi, girls! Oh, daddy, I'm so glad you're home.
We can't get the baby to go to sleep, and she won't stop crying.
She just needs an expert's touch, dear.
Here, give her to me, give her to me.
Give me the baby! Oh, yeah, little baby! Whoa, pretty girl Madonna! Ah.
Woo! Look at you, huh? Nothing wrong with you, huh, sweetheart? You just miss your mommy, don't you? All you need is some professional magic from doctor Harry.
Here you go.
You know there's a crying baby in here? Yeah, Charles, we're aware of that.
I had a tongue in my ear.
I could still hear the kid screaming.
- We can't get her to stop.
- Oh, yeah? Well, give her here.
I don't think so.
You never know.
Come on, I know how to get a woman to stop crying.
Okay, I'll marry ya.
Every time.
I know under all those tears, there's a sweet little angel.
Boy! This Spock guy knows a lot about babies for a vulcan.
Daddy, there must be something you can do.
What did you do with us when we used to cry? I called your mother.
No, no, I remember what I used to do! I used to sing to you.
Here, here, give me a try at this.
Davy Davy Crockett king of the wild frontier It's working.
All: Davy, Davy Crockett king of the wild frontier I can't thank you enough for takin' care of Madonna.
Really kept us entertained.
She's got quite a personality.
Cried all night, huh? It wasn't so bad.
I hope everything is straightened out with your husband.
Oh, yeah, they worked it all out.
He's gonna stay home, face his responsibilities like a man, and she's gonna buy him his own Nintendo.
Come on, Wanda.
Well, thank you all, again.
You're very welcome, dear.
- Bye.
- Bye, bye.
Bye, bye.
Bye, bye, Madonna! Laverne, I'll see you at the office.
Oh, well.
Ha, ha.
Glad the baby's back with her mommy.
I mean, she was cute and all, but what a night.
I'll never forget it as long as I live.
Ah, sweetie, you're exhausted.
You've got to get some sleep, baby.
- Yeah.
- No, come on, there's nothing to be upset about.
No, daddy, I'm not upset.
I'm happy! Well, we're all happy.
It's finally quiet around here.
No, I'm happy because I know what I want to do with my life.
I'm going to have a baby! You're going to You're going to have a what? A baby, daddy.
She said she wants to have a baby.
You want to have a what? A baby! I'm going to have a baby.
Barbara, aren't you kind of rushing things, dear? You're, you're, I mean, you're not even married.
Well, daddy, the idea that a woman has to be married to be a parent is an antiquated notion.
Oh, really? Uh, you approve of this? Well, I'm not sure.
I mean, on the one hand, there's no reason why a responsible adult woman shouldn't have a child, if she wants to.
On the other hand, we're talking about Barbara.
Barbara, having children is a major commitment.
I mean, they're going to be with you a very long time: I've thought about that.
This is crazy.
Why are we even talking about this? It's nonsense.
It's out of the question.
Daddy, I know how I feel.
I'm ready to be a mother.
Well, I'm not.
No kidding? A baby? Can I borrow it? Borrow it? Yeah! Single ladies walking in the park, that kid will be like a worm to a starved trout.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, listen to this.
Southeast journal of medicine.
There is a two-year waiting list for adoptive babies, and preference is usually given to married couples.
So you see, dear, it's not all that easy.
I'm not going to adopt a baby, daddy.
Oh, thank god! I'm glad you finally came to your senses.
I'm going to have my own baby.
You're going to have your own baby? Who who who's gonna be the father? - An anonymous donor.
- Ooh, well My accountant said I need to make more donations this year, so Allow me.
Charley, charity begins at home, so go home and get started.
Now, let me get this straight.
Are you telling me that you are considering that's right, artificial insemination.
I have a list of sperm banks right here.
We've done a lot of research on the subject, daddy.
It's safe, easy.
It's about like having your appendix out.
Yes, but you don't have to send your appendix to college.
Barbara, having children is dangerous and difficult work.
That's why parents usually travel in pairs.
Well, I don't see why I should obligate some guy for the rest of his life just because I need him for an hour.
An hour? Daddy, this is something I really want.
Why can't you just accept that? I guess I'm old-fashioned.
I always expected my daughters to become unwed mothers in the conventional way.
You, you talk to your sister.
Are you in favor of this? Well, daddy, for Barbara, I think it's great.
I mean, I guess I'm old-fashioned too.
I don't want to have children until Mr.
right comes along, or Mr.
almost anybody.
An hour? Come on, you, you, you know how impulsive your sister is.
Remember the motorcycle? Had to have it, couldn't wait, dragged me down to the showroom, made me co-sign for the note.
What happened? She rode it for a week.
It's been in the garage under a tarp ever since.
- Who was that? - The department.
There's another sergeant spot opening up, so they're going to review my test scores.
Oh, baby, that's great! That's what you've always wanted! No, I told them not to bother.
I'm just going to keep working on the assignment I have, and that'll leave me more time for the baby.
So, it's the motorcycle all over again, isn't it? What? I'll tell you one thing, missy.
No matter what, you're not going to put that baby in my garage, and throw a tarp over it.
How in the world is she gonna take care of a baby? You're her father.
Why didn't you talk to her? Laverne, she's a grown woman with every right to make her own decisions.
For me to interfere would have been presumptuous, and an invasion of her privacy.
She wouldn't listen to you, huh? It's like talking to a wall.
Well, what makes you think she's gonna listen to me? You're scary, Laverne.
- Good point.
- Listen to me.
You just tell her about all those single, worn out mothers you see in here.
They're working all day, up all night with the kids.
You know what I mean? But be subtle, subtle.
Just kind of weave it into the conversation.
All right.
How in the hell do you expect to raise a child and hold down a job, young lady? A "hello" would have been nice.
That's the most touchin' thing I ever heard.
What? I mean, I've never heard it explained in quite those terms before.
What? What? I can't thank you enough.
What? What? I wanna have a baby! All right, so this is, uh, one of sperm bank, daddy.
It's a sperm bank.
Looks nice enough.
Can I go now? Daddy, I want you here.
Now sit down.
Oh.
Excuse me.
- Mm-hm? - What do you do? What do I do? For a living.
Your occupation.
- Oh, I'm a doctor.
- A doctor! Him, I want him! Put me down for him! I don't think he's a donor.
Do you have sperm with you? Not with me.
A donor? Donor? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I i I'm, I'm just, I'm just along with them.
But, uh, but thanks for asking.
Hello, I'm doctor yardley.
Are you a recipient? Not for quite a while.
Uh, I'm Barbara Weston.
We spoke on the phone.
Yes, of course.
Please come right in.
And this is my sister, Carol, and my father, doctor Harry Weston.
- Ah! - A pleasure.
Sit, please.
Let me explain our facility.
All our sperm specimens are kept frozen in a specially-constructed cold room.
This is extremely important, both for the viability of the specimen and because I keep my snickers bars in there.
That wasn't a joke.
Uh, how do I go about choosing a donor? Do you have a catalog or something? Well, perhaps if you could give me some idea of what you have in mind.
- Well I - I've, I've made a list.
Um, I was thinking maybe a scientist, say a physicist or an astronomer.
Carol, do you mind? This is my baby.
How about someone like Andre agassi? No, no! Mikhail baryshnikov.
- Please! Mel Gibson.
- Ralph nader.
Benny Goodman! No, listen, I've got it all right here.
IQ over 150, artistic talent, good sense of humor, a devotion to world peace, and a millionaire.
My dear, if we had anyone like that, I'd want to bear his child.
Are you, are you really going to go through with this? Of course, I am.
The next step is for me to ask you a few questions, mostly having to do with your health.
First, is there any history of insanity in your family? No! This is the first instance.
I'll get it! Hello.
Hi, captain.
What good news? I told you I wasn't interested in the promotion.
I know.
No, I don't have to think about it.
I've already made other plans.
This isn't what I want.
Yeah, I'll think about it.
They can't do this to me, dreyfuss.
I have made up my mind.
I'm gonna have a baby, and that's that.
Barbara, who was on the phone? Barbara? Barbara? Can't talk, daddy.
Gotta run.
Just wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where's Barbara? Did she hear from the, you know, the place with the frozen, you know? Sperm bank, daddy.
It's called a sperm bank.
And, yes, I think she did hear from them.
She got a call a couple of hours ago, and she ran right out.
You mean, she's there now? Yes! Isn't it exciting? I'm going out now to buy some toys and games for the baby, then I'm going to stop and pick up an application for the whitewood school.
It's simply the best preschool in Miami, bar none, and they've got a three-year waiting list, so we really have to move fast.
I've gotta go.
There's a meatloaf in the freezer.
Bye, daddy! I can't believe it.
I'm going to be auntie Carol.
Meatloaf in the freezer.
I may never go into that freezer again.
Well, dreyf, looks like I'm going to be a grandfather.
I always wanted to be a grandfather, but, you know, I mean the old-fashioned way, fresh, not frozen.
- Hi, daddy.
- Hi, yourself.
So, how are you feeling? Good.
Where's Carol? Oh, she went shopping.
You hungry? There's a meatloaf from the freezer Nah, we'll eat out.
No, I'm feeling kind of full.
Listen, daddy, I've been thinking, and I know you've been against this baby thing all along.
Well, that's true.
I mean, that's I mean, I have been, but, the bottom line is, you have to be true to yourself.
And I've been riding around on my motorcycle for the last two hours, trying to do just that.
Weren't you at the sperm bank? Didn't they call before? No, the only call I got was from the department.
Daddy, they want to make me sergeant! Oh, that's great! But, what about being a mother? Well, they don't have that.
They only have sergeant, lieutenant, captain come on! I'm serious.
Daddy, when they called me this afternoon and told me I made sergeant, I didn't know what to do.
I mean, I really want to be a mother.
But right now, I want to be a sergeant more.
And I could lie to myself, and I could say I could do both, but that wouldn't be fair to me or the baby.
You really have been thinking about this, haven't you? Yeah, a lot.
Barbara, baby, look, my biggest objection to this whole thing was I didn't feel that you were Grown up enough to be a mother.
But after hearing what you just said, I think you're grown up enough to be anything, even a sergeant.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, daddy.
You know, I never realized how hard it was to really be honest with yourself.
Whoa, ho, ho, second hardest thing in the world.
What's the first? Breaking this to auntie Carol.