Everybody Loves Raymond s04e01 Episode Script

Will you come on?! We're gonna be late! Every time.
Coming.
I can't believe you're gonna miss this game just to go to some stupid school parents' night.
You think I wanna? I just wanna go so I can get back.
You are some special kind of lady.
- Come on! - Here you go, boys.
- What's that? - Just some snacks.
Those are your calzones.
Your homemade calzones.
Aww.
Stupid parent night! Relax, Raymond.
I'll save you some.
And then we'll dance around in fairyland.
The cheese is burning the inside your mouth, isn't it? I don't care.
Oh, did you do that yourself? They're coming! - Hey.
- Hey, can we go? - No, come here.
- What? - I have such great dirt.
Come here.
- What? - You know Cheryl Kaler? - No.
We're at her house, Ray.
Oh.
Oh.
So she's showing me around upstairs, right? And I say how great she looks.
I didn't really think she looked that great, but she was wearing this tight outfit.
So she says, "I had a little work done" And I said, "Oh?" She says, "Yeah, what do you think?" And she goes like this - You're kidding.
- No! Then she shuts the door and lifts up her blouse! What?! Aw, well where the hell was I?! So I said, "Wow.
" And she says, "They are so natural.
Go ahead.
Touch.
" - She wants you.
- No.
She was acting all proud.
She tells me the whole story.
She drops the kids off at school, has it done in the morning, She's home in the afternoon.
It was unbelievable.
Yeah, unbelievable.
I'm down here eating balls of crap and you get - you get "Come in, Tokyo.
" - Oh, stop.
That's your fault.
This is incredible.
Which one is she? Never mind.
We got to go 'cause I told your mom we'd be home by 10:00.
- No way.
Wait.
- I'll get my purse.
- Excuse me, sorry.
- Come on.
I'm an involved parent here.
- Oh hi, Ray.
- Hi.
- You must be Cheryl.
- Yes.
Yeah.
- Have we met? - No no no, we haven't.
Not until right now.
Yeah, it's a great party though.
Yeah.
These are good.
- Hey.
- Hey, Ray.
You missed it.
Phenomenal game.
But at least I saved you some calzo Aww.
Sorry.
It's all right.
I don't care.
So how was your party, dear? It started out slow, but it turned out to be the best night of my life.
- Come on.
- Tell them what you saw.
- Nothing.
- Tell 'em! One of the mothers in Ally's class had breast implants.
Oh, I don't like that.
And at the party, she showed 'em to me.
- What?! - What do you mean? - Wait a minute! - She just showed you?! - Both of them? - Shirt on or off? - With a brassiere? - What were you wearing? All valid questions.
What is the matter with you guys? Come on.
How old are you? Good grief.
What's the big friggin' deal? She touched 'em.
- Come on, come on.
- That's right, that's right.
See I expect this from Frank, but you boys have no reason to have any interest in such things.
- Why not? - Because I never nursed them.
What the hell are you talking about? Everybody knows that if you breastfeed boys when they're babies they're gonna grow up to be obsessed with breasts.
That's why you didn't breastfeed me? That, and the two of you were almost the same height.
We were gettin' looks.
Oh Debra, dear, I'm curious.
- What were they like? - Ugh, they were totally fake.
No, well, come on.
I mean, they weren't fake.
They were real.
They do exist, you know? If they if they fell down in a forest, they'd make a sound.
Well I think it's sad when people start having surgery to make themselves bigger.
Marie did it the natural way.
Pound cake.
I agree with Marie.
I think a boob job is a stupid procedure.
But fantastic when done properly.
Hoo boy.
I didn't think that was gonna happen after that look you gave me downstairs.
A rule's a rule.
You're going on the road for a week, you got to get the proper send-off.
Nothing proper about what you just did, young lady.
So Ray, you don't think I need a boob job, do you? No.
Not if you think it's stupid.
What's that supposed to mean? What? Nothing.
Really? Honey, you know I like them.
Yeah.
Okay, Ray.
Okay.
- Come on.
- All right.
- You know I love Barnes & Noble.
- Uh-huh.
Come on.
- Come on.
- It's fine, Ray.
- It's just fine.
- I love them.
- Don't worry about it.
- I always loved them.
- I'll write 'em a poem.
- No thank you.
No thank you.
- I think that I shall never see - Okay, yes.
- Forget it.
- Don't get mad.
- I'm fine.
- I didn't mean anything by that.
I say a lot of stuff.
You shouldn't listen to me.
Usually, you don't.
I know.
Forget it.
It's stupid.
Forget it.
Night.
All right, good night.
Hey, nickel, I'm back.
- Deb?! - Hi, honey.
I'll be down in a minute.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
We saw you pull up.
- What's up? - Nothing much.
- How was your trip? - Yeah, it was fine.
- Yeah.
Good flight? - Yeah.
How was the the weather there? All right.
What game is on? Seattle-Tampa Bay.
Dad's giving me seven and a half.
When are you guys gonna get your own satellite dish? Shut up.
Whew, sorry that took so long.
Oh hi guys.
It's just that Geoffrey was having that Humpty Dumpty dream again.
"All the King's horses, and all the King's men couldn't put " dadada dadada dadada da.
He has a real hard time with that one.
I think that's why he won't eat eggs.
How was your trip? - What? - Nothing nothing.
New haircut? No.
I am using a new conditioner though.
Looks nice.
Adds body.
Look, Debra and I got to talk, okay? - So go away.
- No.
Come on, look.
I just got home and I'm awfully tired here, okay? We're watching the game.
Raymond, dear.
Ooh, you must be famished from your trip, so I brought you some ravioli.
Uh I'll just go warm this up.
I'll take it, Ma.
Thanks.
You know, dear, I'm thinking maybe you used the wrong setting on your dryer.
All right, listen guys.
I'm really tired.
I'm tired here.
Debra and I, we got a lot of catching up to do, so if you'd all be so kind as to leave, I'll give you each $1,000.
- No.
- Oh, come on.
Come on.
- Come on, come on.
- No! Oh, Frank, stop it.
Come on, stop it.
Come on, this is none of our business.
Raymond gets everything.
I kinda wanted you to be the first one to see.
What do you think? I think I don't believe it.
You didn't really I was gone a week.
You like 'em? - Let me see.
- No no no no no.
I mean, not here.
Do you wanna go upstairs? Do I? - I think you do.
- I think I do.
Okay.
I'm just gonna brush my teeth.
Goin' upstairs.
So how's it goin' in there? I'll be right out.
Okay.
- How you doin'? - I'm fine.
You know it's not really polite to stare, Ray.
Sorry, it's just what did you do? I, uh, made some improvements, don't you think? Really? You really? L- I-I this is just you know one time I went on the road and I came back, you had the driveway sealed.
I got a little turned on when I saw that.
But this is better.
It is better.
'Cause you couldn't use the driveway for a couple of days.
Oh my God.
So you're okay with this? Okay? It doesn't bother you that I look different? Hey, look, if it doesn't bother you, then who am I to say? Whatever what you do with your body, that's your choice and I think that you made two excellent choices.
You're happy, right? I just I love you so much - Ah ah ah ah.
- What? Are they still tender? 'Cause I can be gentle.
Okay.
- Wanna see 'em? - You wanna show 'em to me? You might wanna back up.
You might wanna back up.
Idiot! - Socks? - You are a jerk! - What? - Really disappointed now, aren't you? I'm not disappointed.
I'm scared.
What did you think, that I was gonna have plastic surgery for you?! Yeah no! - You said you did! - I did not! - You just wanted me to so badly! - What?! - When did I say that? - Night of the parents' thing.
- What did I say? - I asked, "Do you I need a boob job?" And you said, "Not if you think it's stupid.
" - What's wrong with that? - "Not if you think it's stupid"?! That means you don't think it's stupid.
And you just said, "two excellent choices.
" Well what?! I thought that you had surgery! I was being supportive, that's all! You want to come back from surgery and have me go ehh.
What you should've said was, "I love your body the way it is and you shouldn't change it ever.
" I do love your body the way it is.
Baloney.
All I had to do was stuff a couple of socks in there and you're hyperventilating! - That's entrapment! - It is not.
Yes, of course it is! You're walking around like Oh, I that is ridiculous.
I didn't do that.
I didn't do that.
Oh, then what did you do?! Seems like you went through a lot of trouble - to get me to say that I like breasts.
- Big breasts! Yeahhhh! Yeah, okay, and a nice butt, too! I'm sick! You should start worrying when I say I don't like those things.
You are obsessed with those things! I'm not the one who had fake surgery.
All those times you say, "Hey, you look great," - it was all lies.
- Come on, I mean it when I say that.
- Oh, right.
- All right, sometimes I mean, "Hurry up, we're late.
" Usually I mean - "You look great!" - Right.
It's true! You always look great.
- Tonight, you looked different great.
- Oh God.
I am so sick of this juvenile preoccupation with boob size and perkiness and cleavage and I've had three kids, you know? These are not just for show.
These were working breasts.
Come on, honey.
Oh, come on.
You say that like they're retired.
They're still useful.
They can do some occasional consulting work.
Forget it.
I know what you really like now.
Oh I really like you.
I just don't know why looks are so important! I don't care how you look.
What does that mean? - Nothing.
- No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I mean you always used to say, "Oh, you're so cute.
" I'm still cute, right? Your being cute has nothing to do with your appearance.
Then what the hell is it? Nothing.
I just meant, you know, I don't care if you've gone soft in the middle or your hairline's receding and you have this concave ass.
- Cute is just who you are! - Concave?! Hey, these jeans are relaxed fit.
If they were regular, my ass would come alive! I don't need it alive.
I'm fine with the way you look.
- No, you're not.
- Ray I happen to love you for you.
I don't care about that.
I wanna be a hottie.
So did I.
Yeah, well, you're a hottie even without the socks.
Oh.
Oh, you said I didn't need socks.
All right.
I like you and your breasts.
And I like you and your breasts.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- What? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- What'd you say breasts for? - You just said it.
You have breasts.
I don't have breasts.
Pecs, I meant to say pecs.
I know what you said and I know what you meant.
You meant my sagging breasts.
I've had three kids too, you know.
You want my socks? It's not what it looks like! I saw a mouse!