F is For Family (2015) s04e01 Episode Script
Father Confessor
1
["Try to Remember" playing]
Try to remember ♪
The kind of September ♪
When life was slow ♪
And oh, so mellow ♪
Try to remember ♪
The kind of September ♪
When grass was green ♪
And grain was yellow ♪
Try to remember ♪
The kind of September ♪
When you were a tender ♪
And callow fellow ♪
Try to remember ♪
And if you remember ♪
[both shriek, grunt]
And follow ♪
Follow ♪
And follow ♪
Follow ♪
[door opens]
You are now in the presence of God,
creator of the universe, Father of mercy,
and final judge of the destination
for your eternal soul. Dazzle me!
I did sweaty, filthy things
to a sad, old man.
I stole a tombstone from the cemetery
and blamed it on my brother.
I put goofballs in my mom's coffee
so I could have a kegger.
You know what? You know what?
Nana got me a goldfish, and I ate it.
I'm harboring resentful thoughts
about my husband.
Marie is mad at me because I took
some innocent crotch-level pictures
of our neighbor.
I crashed a school bus
into a telephone pole
and blamed it on my son.
I received the sacrament of oral sex,
but I passed out
before I could reciprocate.
And then I found the goldfish
in the toilet later.
But it wasn't gold,
and it wasn't swimming.
I knew Chet was being poisoned,
but I didn't say anything.
I held back five dollars from my pimp
that wasn't mine to keep.
I'm a watcher, not a doer!
Daddy loves me so much.
My son is really my nephew,
and my dead sister was a whore!
There ain't no toilet paper
in this here talking bathroom.
Okay, it's six o'clock. Bye-bye, now.
Ah, at least you get to die
at the end of your shift.
[door opens, closes]
Anybody in here?
Sir, I'm afraid confession time
is over for this week.
Oh, come on, pick up.
I got to talk to you.
It's me, Frank Murphy.
I walked in on you sitting on the shitter
at the couples' retreat.
I remember. You know,
this is supposed to be anonymous.
Come on, Father, I'm at the end
of my rope here. You got to hear me out.
You know, Frank, I'd be more inclined
to bend the rules
if you ever came to Mass.
Okay, I'm sorry
about my lack of attendance,
but coming to Mass blows
my whole Sunday right out of the water.
I got to get up early, shave,
pile the family in the car.
Then once I get here, I'm kneeling,
I'm standing, I'm kneeling, I'm sitting,
shaking hands
with people I don't care about.
And even then it's not over because I have
to take the whole family out for waffles!
Everybody gets waffles!
And there's another line.
We can make waffles at home,
but no, we have to go out
where the whole town's getting waffles!
I got my wife a waffle iron
for our anniversary.
She said, "What's this for?"
I said, "So I can have my Sundays back!"
So, yeah, I don't go to church, okay?
Because I figure I'm not gonna make it
to heaven anyways.
None of my dreams
have come true in this world.
Why should the afterlife be any different?
But I've had a really bad run lately.
Today was my worst day in months.
My wife and kids think I'm crazy,
and I don't know what to do with myself.
So you are gonna sit there,
listen to what I have to say,
clean it up a little bit,
break the news to him,
and tell him to get off his fat cloud
and give this guy a win!
[knocking]
[woman whispers] Sir, I'm sorry,
but we can hear you out here.
And God can see you
interrupting me, so go fuck yourself!
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
I just told a nun to go fuck herself.
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
I'm sorry I swore at you, Sister.
I thought you were a normal person.
You're a fat man full of sin.
Now, now, now, Sister Layla.
This man is in pain,
and I am going to hear his confession.
[whispering] But come back in five minutes
and tell me there's an emergency.
Uh, uh the boiler exploded,
uh the diaper boy is bathing
in the holy water, something believable.
Go ahead, Frank.
Tell me what's got you in such a state.
Right, well, it's my father.
He's been out of my life for years.
No contact.
And then he just comes waltzing back in
like Fred Astaire.
Well, it may comfort you to know
that you're not alone.
I had a difficult stepfather.
Did he make you wear a grass skirt because
you cried when Pearl Harbor happened?
Oh, no. My my goodness. A grass skirt?
And coconut tits.
Oh, jeepers. Okay, go on.
Tell me about him.
Okay. [inhales]
When I was a kid, my dad was
the most popular guy in Rustvale.
"Big Bill Murphy" they called him.
And he was like a king
in his hardware store on Main Street.
So Dick Sawitzki says to me, "Big Bill,"
he says, "You've got the gift of gab.
You could sell a camel
a suitcase full of sand."
[all laugh]
My dad can do anything.
Look at this little acorn
that fell off my tree.
[Frank] That was my old man to the public.
Home was a whole different kettle of fish.
My mom, my sister, and me,
we got to see who he really was.
So then Jack O'Connor says to me,
"Big Bill, you could sell snowballs
to an Eskimo."
Why would you sell snowballs to an Eskimo?
You wouldn't.
Then why would Jack say that?
Doesn't he know how cold it is up there?
For the love of God, Nora, he's just
trying to say that I'm a good salesman.
Eskimos don't even buy anything.
They have a barter economy.
Christ! Would it kill you
to give me an "attaboy"?
Attaboy.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
[Frank]
Something would always set him off.
Could've been a bad day at work,
could've been the sound
of an innocent child's laugh,
but it was gonna be something.
[man over radio] Binghamton, I thought
you took my car to the shop.
It's still not working right.
[Binghamton] The car is fine, boss.
The problem is the nut behind the wheel!
[laughter]
[chuckles] It's funny
because he doesn't know his place.
Dad, last week he--
Jesus Christ, Francis!
What the hell is wrong with you,
you goddamn dope?
Oh, the radio made me laugh. It was funny.
Well, here's something hilarious.
[sobs] Mom!
You gonna cry for your mommy,
you spoiled brat?
Clean this mess up
before I drop you down that fucking well.
-We don't have a well.
-It's an expression!
Christ, you're just like your mother!
[Frank] That's why I changed it
to "put you through a wall,"
'cause there's always a wall.
That was my "fuck you" to my old man.
Oh, okay.
[Frank] He'd just sit there
and smoke that goddamn pipe.
To this day, I hate anybody with a pipe.
Fucking Popeye.
Things started to go bad
for the old man in '52.
He invested all his savings
in crutches and iron lungs
during the big polio boom
just when it went bust.
Polio is now poli-no.
Thanks to Dr. Jonas Salk
and his miracle vaccine,
millions of children will never know
the horrors of the iron lung.
Goddamn it!
[Frank] As he hit rock bottom,
he got even meaner.
[upbeat music playing on radio]
Turn that shit off!
[Frank]
But like those newly vaccinated kids,
now I was able to stand up for myself.
I said I don't want to hear any more
of your goddamn noise!
It's not noise, it's music!
The Sweatermen are great artists!
Rudy Vallée is an artist!
I can't wait until I'm old enough
to move out of here!
And then you'll fly away in
your magic airplane, right, Tinker Bell?
Instead of staying here and helping
your father save his business.
Why would I? I hate you!
-And I'm glad polio got cured!
-You take that back!
-Ow! Ow!
-[record scratches]
-[muttering indistinctly]
-Ow!
Stop that! What kind of a man
takes his failures out on his son?
Every man in America!
Get away from him!
[Big Bill groans]
[Frank] When he lost my mother's respect,
that was the beginning of the end.
He beat you with a crutch?
Yeah, he had 80 gross of them
lying around.
I'll never forget the last thing
he said to me.
[scoffs] Reserves.
[Frank] That was it. He was gone for good.
My mother lives with my sister now
in California.
California. Fucking Smothers Brothers.
Your mom hates both of you!
Frank, could we get
to the "waltzing back in" part?
Okay. So I haven't heard word one
from this guy in 18 years, right?
And then there he is,
sitting in front of my house in a taxicab.
Well, I guess the comet landed.
No!
We have two grandfathers?
Cool!
No. Not cool. That man is the devil!
You said Walter Cronkite was the devil.
No, I said he's a fucking traitor
who should grow his hair
and die in the mud at Woodstock!
That son of a bitch
is not setting a foot in this house!
Now, Frank, he is your father.
Maybe he's come back to see you
for a good reason,
and we can't just let him sit out there
and yit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit!
Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit!
Sue said, "Yit-dit-dit-dit-dit"?
No, that's just what she sounds like
when she's trying to make a point.
She said I needed to face him. So I did.
All right, I'll do it.
Think positive, Frank. Maybe he's dying.
Fucking son of a bitch.
Why does he hate his father?
I don't know. He saw Dad
in a play or something.
I'd love that.
So here you are. Just like that.
Well, come on out, you big bully.
I'm not afraid of you, tough guy.
Come on, face your son Dad.
Good to see you, son.
What?
No, it's been too long.
Thanks for welcoming me.
Did you have a stroke?
-Mr. Murphy, I'm--
-No! No, no, no.
No Mr. Murphy.
"Mr. Murphy" was my father.
That rotten apple's been feeding the worms
since Frank here
was knee-high to a sailor,
which he was several times
during the war years.
It's how we paid for the coal. [laughs]
No, I'm just kidding.
Frank never blew a sailor.
[chuckles]
You must be the lovely Susan.
And aren't you just as radiant
as the summer sun?
Frank, he's charming.
He just said I spent my childhood
blowing sailors.
He said you didn't!
-Hi, I'm Bill!
-I'm Maureen!
Frank, I'm honored.
You named your son "Bill" after me.
Don't get excited.
It was Sue's turn to pick.
Hey, Grandpa, I'm Kevin Murphy.
Look at you.
A dead ringer for your father.
[both] Aw, shit.
Kevin, have a giant typewriter key.
It's a "Q" for "cool"!
A giant typewriter key?
He got a big job as a regional salesman
for Dustbowl Typewriter Ribbon
and Adding Machine Tape.
They sent him here
to scope out the territory.
The bastard bounced all the way back!
Why don't you come inside?
I'm sure it was a long trip from Tulsa.
Oh, it was an ordeal. They lost my bag.
My meal tasted like an ashtray.
No matter what you do, kids,
never fly Mohican.
It's run by circus pinheads.
Ugh. He acted nice,
like a Nazi living in Brazil.
And he kept it up!
Helping me build the baby's room.
Doing the dishes.
Remembering Bill's birthday.
Telling Kevin he has a future.
All aboard the Grandpa Express!
[children] Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a.
Toot-toot!
Now passing Sourpuss Junction!
Population: one grumpster!
[children laugh]
[Frank] Even the neighbors
fell for his bullshit!
Okay, Big Bill will have these T-bones
out for you in no time.
[scoffs] T-bones.
And I know how you take them, Babe,
well-done!
And, Goomer, extra rare.
I like it cold on the inside.
Your dad's a hell of a guy, Frank.
Eh, not bad for a fucking Mick.
He said my head was normal-sized.
He's so sweet with Anthony.
Oh, tummy yum-yum!
Oh, he had everyone fooled.
But I knew it was just a matter of time
before he showed his true colors,
and they'd all see what a prick he was.
-And did he?
-No, he did not.
And that was four weeks ago.
But the shit he pulled on me today,
-that's why I had to come here. He told--
-[knock on door]
[Sister Layla] Father Patrick,
you need to come right away.
It's time for Mr. McCriskin's funeral.
You made up a great one,
but I'm gonna finish this confession.
It's getting juicy.
No, Father, there's a real dead guy
and everything!
[organ music playing]
Mr. McCriskin can wait in purgatory
for a few more minutes.
Just keep them entertained.
Hey, how's everybody doing today?
[audience clamoring]
So, what happened then?
Everything. On Friday night,
I got devastating news.
What's that, Colt?
You say you got out of the submarine,
but now you're about to go in a coma?
Oh, come by when you get better.
Aw, what the fuck? Where is Colt?
I think he's gonna be in a coma
for a while, Dad.
Ah, fuck me!
[Frank] And then I got worse news.
The old man's never gonna leave.
He's selling a boatload
of typewriter ribbon,
so they want him to open a new territory.
-He's gonna stay at least another month.
-Oh, the kids will love that.
The kids also love
the smell of gasoline, Susan!
I'll tell you, I can't take him anymore.
I have enough to deal with right now.
I'm working three jobs since Pogo had
his heart attack, the pork-eating fuck!
And now we're all going downtown
with Big Bill so he can get himself a car,
and then he's taking the whole family
to lunch, which, of course, I'll pay for.
-If he says he wants to pay, Frank, then--
-No, I'm paying.
I'll show him how well I'm doing.
I might have to break into the swear jar.
There's got to be a couple grand in there.
We used it all for Kevin's bail money.
Aw, piece-of-shit
motherfucking cocksucker!
Frank, stop it!
Ah, start a new jar.
I don't give a shit-shit-shit-shit!
[yells] Frank, calm down!
[sighs] Come here, honey.
-I understand that he was a bad father.
-The worst.
Okay, the worst. But--
Why is there always a "but"
at the end of you agreeing with me?
But he's been very nice,
especially to the kids.
I'm nice to the kids.
Yes, you are.
But maybe he's really changed.
People do change.
I don't. You don't.
You keep getting pregnant.
-Ow.
-You listen to me.
I know you have your problems with him,
but the kids are enjoying
their time with their grandfather.
And he's not gonna be here forever.
Would it kill you
to hold out a little longer?
Fine. You're right.
I mean, if I can shove
a man's intestines back into his body,
Lord knows I can put up with this asshole
for another couple of weeks.
You can do it, honey.
But you're really gonna need
to work on your--
Oh, would you stop with the "buts"?
It's a fucking sickness with you.
You ready to go downtown?
Oh, yeah, it's a big day for Big Willie.
Home office sent me a little cash
to get some wheels.
Wow. I've never seen
those presidents before.
Then it's time for the vagabond to find
a more permanent place to stay.
I'm, uh going to get myself
a nice quiet motel room somewhere.
I recommend
the Quint City Motor Inn on Route 16.
I visited it once or twice
with a woman I was seeing.
Oh, really? And who was that?
I don't want to say her name.
She might appear.
It's a shame you got to go, Big Bill.
Families should all be together.
Sometimes a little break
is just what the doctor ordered.
I told you, I'm done with
all that Vic stuff, my Swedish meatball!
Now that's a man who loves his woman.
-See? Vic said--
-Don't you talk to me!
Nope, a motel it is.
Frank, I have taken advantage
of your generous hospitality far too long.
[clears throat]
I'm sure Sue would love
to have her couch back.
My couch.
Wait a minute. Goomer has his trailer.
You can stay in there.
Goomie, you never use it.
That's right. I don't use it for anything.
[chuckles nervously]
Just give me a little time
to clear some stuff out.
And bleach the walls.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
-[door creaks open]
-Oh, you've got some great neighbors, son.
Nobody look at it!
Let's get you that car, Mr. Wonderful.
Daddy, are we getting a new car too?
No, princess. Our car is just fine.
The back door popped open
when you took me to the movies yesterday.
I almost fell out.
Aw, will you stop whining
about shit that almost happened?
I almost walked out on your mother
last week. I'm still here.
You listen to your dad, son.
He knows what's best.
He would never put saving a buck
before your safety.
If he's okay with you
rolling out into traffic,
then who am I to say
he's not a good father?
If he says the car is fine, it's fine.
That son of a bitch.
Here's the rest of the down payment.
You can keep the green stamps.
Pleasure doing business with you both.
Whoa, the tailgate opens two ways!
This must be what astronauts drive!
Frank, you don't have to do this
to impress your father.
Are you sure we can even handle it?
Yes, Susan. I'm extremely well-paid.
We're doing 150 payments, right?
With the $20 trade-in?
Yeah. You pay me $20
to take that heap off your hands.
You're a thief. Let's eat!
Well, that's the last time I do
a personal appearance for these hicks.
The Polack that runs that TV store
said he'd watch out
for the water-headed psycho.
That kid keeps sending me hair.
Jim, you brought this on yourself
for rigging that game.
And you've got to get your problem
with pregnant women under control.
I'm working on it, Ray, but it's tough.
Especially this weekend. Labor Day.
Grandpa, will you take me to the first day
of school Wednesday in your new car?
I would be as happy
as a hand in a doorknob factory.
My car is newer.
I signed the papers second.
I think you'll be proud
of your grandchildren when school starts.
They've all promised to work very hard
on their studies this year. Right, Kevin?
[making kissing noises]
[chuckles]
Oh, hi, ketchup, you want to fuck?
And Frank and I have made a promise to be
more attentive and involved this year.
A hundred and fifty payments,
$34 a payment,
it'll be paid off in '86. Christ,
there'll be a black president by then.
Grandpa, will you come
and watch me play hockey?
Jesus Christ, Bill!
The fuck is wrong with you?
Okay, calm down, son.
It's not the end of the world.
What did you say to me?
Well, there's no need to lose your cool
over a little spill.
You've got to be shitting me.
You goddamn hypocrite!
Whoa, whoa, okay, take it easy.
Oh, I've been taking it easy for a month.
Hey, kids, you want to know
what your grandpa did
when I spilled a bit of grape juice?
-He shoved ice cream in my face!
-[chuckles]
I never did any such thing.
-Yes, you did!
-Never!
And you called me a "goddamn dope."
You called me a "dope"
when I failed Algebra.
-Oh, I did not!
-[children] Yes, you did.
Silence!
-What about the grass skirt, Dad?
-Oh, it was a joke.
Sounds funny to me.
It wasn't funny. It hurt my feelings!
That's what's funny about it.
A grass skirt and coconuts he got me
for crying over an act of war!
Who does that to a kid?
Well, you said you'd buy me a doll
if I didn't stop talking about the guy
whose guts landed on me at the airport.
-You got to stop living in the past, Bill!
-Frank, you promised!
At least one guy's got bigger problems
than I do and--
Sweet Jesus, that balloon's about to pop,
and I want to be under it!
Tell them, Dad!
Tell them some of the shit
you used to do to me!
-Tell them!
-Dad, leave him alone.
Spit it out, you son of a bitch!
Stop yelling at the choo-choo man!
[sighs]
The hell with this.
Enjoy the rest of your day
with Santa Claus.
[Frank] And that's when I came in here.
If he'd just once admit to me
what a prick he was,
just once
I could find some peace.
Nah, but he'll-- he'll never do that.
Oh, Frank, I'm so sorry for your pain.
But our Father brought
your father back into your life,
and now you have a choice.
You can let out all your anger at him
and call him an old so-and-so
and live with that hatred forever,
or you can choose to accept his presence
the way I think our Lord wants you to.
With forgiveness.
Forgive the bastard for what he did to me?
What the hell kind of bullshit is that?
Your job is to mumble some prayers
and tell me I'm going to heaven.
Confession doesn't work that way.
-Then what am I paying you for?
-You don't pay me.
I put coins in those stupid
cardboard boxes every Halloween!
That's UNICEF.
Aw, shit, what a waste this was.
Forgive my dad? I'll never forgive him!
[door opens, slams shut]
-Talk to God! He loves you!
-[door opens]
-That's a company lie, and you know it!
-[door slams shut]
-[laughing]
-[Big Bill Let me tell you
[indistinct chatter]
[garage door creaking]
Goddamn son of a bitch. [grunts]
Coming here, making my kids happy.
"Oh, talk to God." Oh, what a laugh!
Just sits there with his son
and the fucking Holy Ghost,
thinking he's better than me. [grunts]
It's Frank Murphy calling!
Why'd you bring that fucker back to me?
I demand an answer!
Aw, fuck all three of you!
I'm tickled pink ♪
That things are rosy ♪
-And skies are blue once again ♪
-Do, do, do, do ♪
Let the bygones go bye-bye ♪
No more will I sigh or cry ♪
Do, do, do, do, do ♪
I'm tickled pink
The moon is yellow ♪
And I'm your fellow ♪
[whirring]
[gunshot]
["Try to Remember" playing]
Try to remember ♪
The kind of September ♪
When life was slow ♪
And oh, so mellow ♪
Try to remember ♪
The kind of September ♪
When grass was green ♪
And grain was yellow ♪
Try to remember ♪
The kind of September ♪
When you were a tender ♪
And callow fellow ♪
Try to remember ♪
And if you remember ♪
[both shriek, grunt]
And follow ♪
Follow ♪
And follow ♪
Follow ♪
[door opens]
You are now in the presence of God,
creator of the universe, Father of mercy,
and final judge of the destination
for your eternal soul. Dazzle me!
I did sweaty, filthy things
to a sad, old man.
I stole a tombstone from the cemetery
and blamed it on my brother.
I put goofballs in my mom's coffee
so I could have a kegger.
You know what? You know what?
Nana got me a goldfish, and I ate it.
I'm harboring resentful thoughts
about my husband.
Marie is mad at me because I took
some innocent crotch-level pictures
of our neighbor.
I crashed a school bus
into a telephone pole
and blamed it on my son.
I received the sacrament of oral sex,
but I passed out
before I could reciprocate.
And then I found the goldfish
in the toilet later.
But it wasn't gold,
and it wasn't swimming.
I knew Chet was being poisoned,
but I didn't say anything.
I held back five dollars from my pimp
that wasn't mine to keep.
I'm a watcher, not a doer!
Daddy loves me so much.
My son is really my nephew,
and my dead sister was a whore!
There ain't no toilet paper
in this here talking bathroom.
Okay, it's six o'clock. Bye-bye, now.
Ah, at least you get to die
at the end of your shift.
[door opens, closes]
Anybody in here?
Sir, I'm afraid confession time
is over for this week.
Oh, come on, pick up.
I got to talk to you.
It's me, Frank Murphy.
I walked in on you sitting on the shitter
at the couples' retreat.
I remember. You know,
this is supposed to be anonymous.
Come on, Father, I'm at the end
of my rope here. You got to hear me out.
You know, Frank, I'd be more inclined
to bend the rules
if you ever came to Mass.
Okay, I'm sorry
about my lack of attendance,
but coming to Mass blows
my whole Sunday right out of the water.
I got to get up early, shave,
pile the family in the car.
Then once I get here, I'm kneeling,
I'm standing, I'm kneeling, I'm sitting,
shaking hands
with people I don't care about.
And even then it's not over because I have
to take the whole family out for waffles!
Everybody gets waffles!
And there's another line.
We can make waffles at home,
but no, we have to go out
where the whole town's getting waffles!
I got my wife a waffle iron
for our anniversary.
She said, "What's this for?"
I said, "So I can have my Sundays back!"
So, yeah, I don't go to church, okay?
Because I figure I'm not gonna make it
to heaven anyways.
None of my dreams
have come true in this world.
Why should the afterlife be any different?
But I've had a really bad run lately.
Today was my worst day in months.
My wife and kids think I'm crazy,
and I don't know what to do with myself.
So you are gonna sit there,
listen to what I have to say,
clean it up a little bit,
break the news to him,
and tell him to get off his fat cloud
and give this guy a win!
[knocking]
[woman whispers] Sir, I'm sorry,
but we can hear you out here.
And God can see you
interrupting me, so go fuck yourself!
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
I just told a nun to go fuck herself.
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
I'm sorry I swore at you, Sister.
I thought you were a normal person.
You're a fat man full of sin.
Now, now, now, Sister Layla.
This man is in pain,
and I am going to hear his confession.
[whispering] But come back in five minutes
and tell me there's an emergency.
Uh, uh the boiler exploded,
uh the diaper boy is bathing
in the holy water, something believable.
Go ahead, Frank.
Tell me what's got you in such a state.
Right, well, it's my father.
He's been out of my life for years.
No contact.
And then he just comes waltzing back in
like Fred Astaire.
Well, it may comfort you to know
that you're not alone.
I had a difficult stepfather.
Did he make you wear a grass skirt because
you cried when Pearl Harbor happened?
Oh, no. My my goodness. A grass skirt?
And coconut tits.
Oh, jeepers. Okay, go on.
Tell me about him.
Okay. [inhales]
When I was a kid, my dad was
the most popular guy in Rustvale.
"Big Bill Murphy" they called him.
And he was like a king
in his hardware store on Main Street.
So Dick Sawitzki says to me, "Big Bill,"
he says, "You've got the gift of gab.
You could sell a camel
a suitcase full of sand."
[all laugh]
My dad can do anything.
Look at this little acorn
that fell off my tree.
[Frank] That was my old man to the public.
Home was a whole different kettle of fish.
My mom, my sister, and me,
we got to see who he really was.
So then Jack O'Connor says to me,
"Big Bill, you could sell snowballs
to an Eskimo."
Why would you sell snowballs to an Eskimo?
You wouldn't.
Then why would Jack say that?
Doesn't he know how cold it is up there?
For the love of God, Nora, he's just
trying to say that I'm a good salesman.
Eskimos don't even buy anything.
They have a barter economy.
Christ! Would it kill you
to give me an "attaboy"?
Attaboy.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
[Frank]
Something would always set him off.
Could've been a bad day at work,
could've been the sound
of an innocent child's laugh,
but it was gonna be something.
[man over radio] Binghamton, I thought
you took my car to the shop.
It's still not working right.
[Binghamton] The car is fine, boss.
The problem is the nut behind the wheel!
[laughter]
[chuckles] It's funny
because he doesn't know his place.
Dad, last week he--
Jesus Christ, Francis!
What the hell is wrong with you,
you goddamn dope?
Oh, the radio made me laugh. It was funny.
Well, here's something hilarious.
[sobs] Mom!
You gonna cry for your mommy,
you spoiled brat?
Clean this mess up
before I drop you down that fucking well.
-We don't have a well.
-It's an expression!
Christ, you're just like your mother!
[Frank] That's why I changed it
to "put you through a wall,"
'cause there's always a wall.
That was my "fuck you" to my old man.
Oh, okay.
[Frank] He'd just sit there
and smoke that goddamn pipe.
To this day, I hate anybody with a pipe.
Fucking Popeye.
Things started to go bad
for the old man in '52.
He invested all his savings
in crutches and iron lungs
during the big polio boom
just when it went bust.
Polio is now poli-no.
Thanks to Dr. Jonas Salk
and his miracle vaccine,
millions of children will never know
the horrors of the iron lung.
Goddamn it!
[Frank] As he hit rock bottom,
he got even meaner.
[upbeat music playing on radio]
Turn that shit off!
[Frank]
But like those newly vaccinated kids,
now I was able to stand up for myself.
I said I don't want to hear any more
of your goddamn noise!
It's not noise, it's music!
The Sweatermen are great artists!
Rudy Vallée is an artist!
I can't wait until I'm old enough
to move out of here!
And then you'll fly away in
your magic airplane, right, Tinker Bell?
Instead of staying here and helping
your father save his business.
Why would I? I hate you!
-And I'm glad polio got cured!
-You take that back!
-Ow! Ow!
-[record scratches]
-[muttering indistinctly]
-Ow!
Stop that! What kind of a man
takes his failures out on his son?
Every man in America!
Get away from him!
[Big Bill groans]
[Frank] When he lost my mother's respect,
that was the beginning of the end.
He beat you with a crutch?
Yeah, he had 80 gross of them
lying around.
I'll never forget the last thing
he said to me.
[scoffs] Reserves.
[Frank] That was it. He was gone for good.
My mother lives with my sister now
in California.
California. Fucking Smothers Brothers.
Your mom hates both of you!
Frank, could we get
to the "waltzing back in" part?
Okay. So I haven't heard word one
from this guy in 18 years, right?
And then there he is,
sitting in front of my house in a taxicab.
Well, I guess the comet landed.
No!
We have two grandfathers?
Cool!
No. Not cool. That man is the devil!
You said Walter Cronkite was the devil.
No, I said he's a fucking traitor
who should grow his hair
and die in the mud at Woodstock!
That son of a bitch
is not setting a foot in this house!
Now, Frank, he is your father.
Maybe he's come back to see you
for a good reason,
and we can't just let him sit out there
and yit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit!
Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit!
Sue said, "Yit-dit-dit-dit-dit"?
No, that's just what she sounds like
when she's trying to make a point.
She said I needed to face him. So I did.
All right, I'll do it.
Think positive, Frank. Maybe he's dying.
Fucking son of a bitch.
Why does he hate his father?
I don't know. He saw Dad
in a play or something.
I'd love that.
So here you are. Just like that.
Well, come on out, you big bully.
I'm not afraid of you, tough guy.
Come on, face your son Dad.
Good to see you, son.
What?
No, it's been too long.
Thanks for welcoming me.
Did you have a stroke?
-Mr. Murphy, I'm--
-No! No, no, no.
No Mr. Murphy.
"Mr. Murphy" was my father.
That rotten apple's been feeding the worms
since Frank here
was knee-high to a sailor,
which he was several times
during the war years.
It's how we paid for the coal. [laughs]
No, I'm just kidding.
Frank never blew a sailor.
[chuckles]
You must be the lovely Susan.
And aren't you just as radiant
as the summer sun?
Frank, he's charming.
He just said I spent my childhood
blowing sailors.
He said you didn't!
-Hi, I'm Bill!
-I'm Maureen!
Frank, I'm honored.
You named your son "Bill" after me.
Don't get excited.
It was Sue's turn to pick.
Hey, Grandpa, I'm Kevin Murphy.
Look at you.
A dead ringer for your father.
[both] Aw, shit.
Kevin, have a giant typewriter key.
It's a "Q" for "cool"!
A giant typewriter key?
He got a big job as a regional salesman
for Dustbowl Typewriter Ribbon
and Adding Machine Tape.
They sent him here
to scope out the territory.
The bastard bounced all the way back!
Why don't you come inside?
I'm sure it was a long trip from Tulsa.
Oh, it was an ordeal. They lost my bag.
My meal tasted like an ashtray.
No matter what you do, kids,
never fly Mohican.
It's run by circus pinheads.
Ugh. He acted nice,
like a Nazi living in Brazil.
And he kept it up!
Helping me build the baby's room.
Doing the dishes.
Remembering Bill's birthday.
Telling Kevin he has a future.
All aboard the Grandpa Express!
[children] Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a.
Toot-toot!
Now passing Sourpuss Junction!
Population: one grumpster!
[children laugh]
[Frank] Even the neighbors
fell for his bullshit!
Okay, Big Bill will have these T-bones
out for you in no time.
[scoffs] T-bones.
And I know how you take them, Babe,
well-done!
And, Goomer, extra rare.
I like it cold on the inside.
Your dad's a hell of a guy, Frank.
Eh, not bad for a fucking Mick.
He said my head was normal-sized.
He's so sweet with Anthony.
Oh, tummy yum-yum!
Oh, he had everyone fooled.
But I knew it was just a matter of time
before he showed his true colors,
and they'd all see what a prick he was.
-And did he?
-No, he did not.
And that was four weeks ago.
But the shit he pulled on me today,
-that's why I had to come here. He told--
-[knock on door]
[Sister Layla] Father Patrick,
you need to come right away.
It's time for Mr. McCriskin's funeral.
You made up a great one,
but I'm gonna finish this confession.
It's getting juicy.
No, Father, there's a real dead guy
and everything!
[organ music playing]
Mr. McCriskin can wait in purgatory
for a few more minutes.
Just keep them entertained.
Hey, how's everybody doing today?
[audience clamoring]
So, what happened then?
Everything. On Friday night,
I got devastating news.
What's that, Colt?
You say you got out of the submarine,
but now you're about to go in a coma?
Oh, come by when you get better.
Aw, what the fuck? Where is Colt?
I think he's gonna be in a coma
for a while, Dad.
Ah, fuck me!
[Frank] And then I got worse news.
The old man's never gonna leave.
He's selling a boatload
of typewriter ribbon,
so they want him to open a new territory.
-He's gonna stay at least another month.
-Oh, the kids will love that.
The kids also love
the smell of gasoline, Susan!
I'll tell you, I can't take him anymore.
I have enough to deal with right now.
I'm working three jobs since Pogo had
his heart attack, the pork-eating fuck!
And now we're all going downtown
with Big Bill so he can get himself a car,
and then he's taking the whole family
to lunch, which, of course, I'll pay for.
-If he says he wants to pay, Frank, then--
-No, I'm paying.
I'll show him how well I'm doing.
I might have to break into the swear jar.
There's got to be a couple grand in there.
We used it all for Kevin's bail money.
Aw, piece-of-shit
motherfucking cocksucker!
Frank, stop it!
Ah, start a new jar.
I don't give a shit-shit-shit-shit!
[yells] Frank, calm down!
[sighs] Come here, honey.
-I understand that he was a bad father.
-The worst.
Okay, the worst. But--
Why is there always a "but"
at the end of you agreeing with me?
But he's been very nice,
especially to the kids.
I'm nice to the kids.
Yes, you are.
But maybe he's really changed.
People do change.
I don't. You don't.
You keep getting pregnant.
-Ow.
-You listen to me.
I know you have your problems with him,
but the kids are enjoying
their time with their grandfather.
And he's not gonna be here forever.
Would it kill you
to hold out a little longer?
Fine. You're right.
I mean, if I can shove
a man's intestines back into his body,
Lord knows I can put up with this asshole
for another couple of weeks.
You can do it, honey.
But you're really gonna need
to work on your--
Oh, would you stop with the "buts"?
It's a fucking sickness with you.
You ready to go downtown?
Oh, yeah, it's a big day for Big Willie.
Home office sent me a little cash
to get some wheels.
Wow. I've never seen
those presidents before.
Then it's time for the vagabond to find
a more permanent place to stay.
I'm, uh going to get myself
a nice quiet motel room somewhere.
I recommend
the Quint City Motor Inn on Route 16.
I visited it once or twice
with a woman I was seeing.
Oh, really? And who was that?
I don't want to say her name.
She might appear.
It's a shame you got to go, Big Bill.
Families should all be together.
Sometimes a little break
is just what the doctor ordered.
I told you, I'm done with
all that Vic stuff, my Swedish meatball!
Now that's a man who loves his woman.
-See? Vic said--
-Don't you talk to me!
Nope, a motel it is.
Frank, I have taken advantage
of your generous hospitality far too long.
[clears throat]
I'm sure Sue would love
to have her couch back.
My couch.
Wait a minute. Goomer has his trailer.
You can stay in there.
Goomie, you never use it.
That's right. I don't use it for anything.
[chuckles nervously]
Just give me a little time
to clear some stuff out.
And bleach the walls.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
-[door creaks open]
-Oh, you've got some great neighbors, son.
Nobody look at it!
Let's get you that car, Mr. Wonderful.
Daddy, are we getting a new car too?
No, princess. Our car is just fine.
The back door popped open
when you took me to the movies yesterday.
I almost fell out.
Aw, will you stop whining
about shit that almost happened?
I almost walked out on your mother
last week. I'm still here.
You listen to your dad, son.
He knows what's best.
He would never put saving a buck
before your safety.
If he's okay with you
rolling out into traffic,
then who am I to say
he's not a good father?
If he says the car is fine, it's fine.
That son of a bitch.
Here's the rest of the down payment.
You can keep the green stamps.
Pleasure doing business with you both.
Whoa, the tailgate opens two ways!
This must be what astronauts drive!
Frank, you don't have to do this
to impress your father.
Are you sure we can even handle it?
Yes, Susan. I'm extremely well-paid.
We're doing 150 payments, right?
With the $20 trade-in?
Yeah. You pay me $20
to take that heap off your hands.
You're a thief. Let's eat!
Well, that's the last time I do
a personal appearance for these hicks.
The Polack that runs that TV store
said he'd watch out
for the water-headed psycho.
That kid keeps sending me hair.
Jim, you brought this on yourself
for rigging that game.
And you've got to get your problem
with pregnant women under control.
I'm working on it, Ray, but it's tough.
Especially this weekend. Labor Day.
Grandpa, will you take me to the first day
of school Wednesday in your new car?
I would be as happy
as a hand in a doorknob factory.
My car is newer.
I signed the papers second.
I think you'll be proud
of your grandchildren when school starts.
They've all promised to work very hard
on their studies this year. Right, Kevin?
[making kissing noises]
[chuckles]
Oh, hi, ketchup, you want to fuck?
And Frank and I have made a promise to be
more attentive and involved this year.
A hundred and fifty payments,
$34 a payment,
it'll be paid off in '86. Christ,
there'll be a black president by then.
Grandpa, will you come
and watch me play hockey?
Jesus Christ, Bill!
The fuck is wrong with you?
Okay, calm down, son.
It's not the end of the world.
What did you say to me?
Well, there's no need to lose your cool
over a little spill.
You've got to be shitting me.
You goddamn hypocrite!
Whoa, whoa, okay, take it easy.
Oh, I've been taking it easy for a month.
Hey, kids, you want to know
what your grandpa did
when I spilled a bit of grape juice?
-He shoved ice cream in my face!
-[chuckles]
I never did any such thing.
-Yes, you did!
-Never!
And you called me a "goddamn dope."
You called me a "dope"
when I failed Algebra.
-Oh, I did not!
-[children] Yes, you did.
Silence!
-What about the grass skirt, Dad?
-Oh, it was a joke.
Sounds funny to me.
It wasn't funny. It hurt my feelings!
That's what's funny about it.
A grass skirt and coconuts he got me
for crying over an act of war!
Who does that to a kid?
Well, you said you'd buy me a doll
if I didn't stop talking about the guy
whose guts landed on me at the airport.
-You got to stop living in the past, Bill!
-Frank, you promised!
At least one guy's got bigger problems
than I do and--
Sweet Jesus, that balloon's about to pop,
and I want to be under it!
Tell them, Dad!
Tell them some of the shit
you used to do to me!
-Tell them!
-Dad, leave him alone.
Spit it out, you son of a bitch!
Stop yelling at the choo-choo man!
[sighs]
The hell with this.
Enjoy the rest of your day
with Santa Claus.
[Frank] And that's when I came in here.
If he'd just once admit to me
what a prick he was,
just once
I could find some peace.
Nah, but he'll-- he'll never do that.
Oh, Frank, I'm so sorry for your pain.
But our Father brought
your father back into your life,
and now you have a choice.
You can let out all your anger at him
and call him an old so-and-so
and live with that hatred forever,
or you can choose to accept his presence
the way I think our Lord wants you to.
With forgiveness.
Forgive the bastard for what he did to me?
What the hell kind of bullshit is that?
Your job is to mumble some prayers
and tell me I'm going to heaven.
Confession doesn't work that way.
-Then what am I paying you for?
-You don't pay me.
I put coins in those stupid
cardboard boxes every Halloween!
That's UNICEF.
Aw, shit, what a waste this was.
Forgive my dad? I'll never forgive him!
[door opens, slams shut]
-Talk to God! He loves you!
-[door opens]
-That's a company lie, and you know it!
-[door slams shut]
-[laughing]
-[Big Bill Let me tell you
[indistinct chatter]
[garage door creaking]
Goddamn son of a bitch. [grunts]
Coming here, making my kids happy.
"Oh, talk to God." Oh, what a laugh!
Just sits there with his son
and the fucking Holy Ghost,
thinking he's better than me. [grunts]
It's Frank Murphy calling!
Why'd you bring that fucker back to me?
I demand an answer!
Aw, fuck all three of you!
I'm tickled pink ♪
That things are rosy ♪
-And skies are blue once again ♪
-Do, do, do, do ♪
Let the bygones go bye-bye ♪
No more will I sigh or cry ♪
Do, do, do, do, do ♪
I'm tickled pink
The moon is yellow ♪
And I'm your fellow ♪
[whirring]
[gunshot]