Five Bedrooms (2019) s04e01 Episode Script
Two Bluffs
1
Previously, on Five Bedrooms
HEATHER: Not many blokes
would have the balls
to turn up for their exes
the way you turned up tonight.
I'll never do that to you again.
HEATHER: There's no
coming back from this.
- Hey, mate.
- I'm Ed.
I'm Heather's lecturer.
BEN: Righto. How long have
they been seeing each other?
- No more than
a couple of weeks.
- A couple of weeks?
Apologies, everyone,
for the delay.
We're We're not going to
get married today.
Have you discussed kids
with anyone other than Liz?
I actually want to ask her
if she'd consider
having a baby as a single.
I have feelings for Liz.
Wait, what?
I don't want you
to betray your friendship,
but is there someone else,
Harry?
You need to talk to your wife.
I spoke to Stuart.
He knows there's someone else.
I'm really starting to think
I don't know where you are.
There is a conversation that
you and I need to have.
HARRY: I've performed
critical surgery
that felt less high-stakes
than this.
Mum made it very clear
that she was expecting
a celebration for the ages
for her 70th.
She'd already declared
the restaurant lighting
was confronting,
and the food was a disgrace.
So I knew, going in,
the only chance I had
to make her vaguely happy
was to blow her away
with the speech.
As the eldest daughter,
and ultimate middle child,
Mum had no choice but to grow
up almost instantly.
After Dad passed,
her entire existence
became about protecting me.
Grief was a luxury
she didn't have time for.
She was alone
in a foreign land
with a young son,
and she not only survived,
she thrived.
Her 20 years of shift work,
in various factories,
where she spent
10-12 hours a day,
six days a week, all for me.
- (LAUGHTER)
- BEN: Oh, mate.
She single-handedly
paid for my entire education,
and created possibilities
for my life
that she never dared dream
for herself.
Mum, despite the in
despite the incredible education
you sacrificed
your entire life to give me,
I still don't quite
have the words
to express how much I love you.
My fiercest champion,
my defender,
and my guide.
Happy birthday, Mum.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(INAUDIBLE)
(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATIONS)
- (LAUGHTER)
- (INAUDIBLE CHATTER)
SIMMO: How beautiful
was the speech?
Oh, thank you Simon.
Kevin.
- I beg your pardon.
- Nothing.
Oh, my God, it was sublime.
It was so moving.
It was just
wave after wave
You shouldn't have delayed your
return to England on my account.
Oh, I didn't push it back
that far.
Time is relative, isn't it,
I find, as I get older.
And I just I really wanted
to be here with you.
You must get your own friends.
Heather, your new lover,
I take it
he's not a sociopath.
Oh, no, no.
He just couldn't make it.
Are you ashamed of him?
Not consciously, no.
Don't tell me
he's not here 'cause of me.
- Unless it's 'cause of me.
- Of course it is.
What? Why?
I'm hard into him.
Yep, that's why.
BEN: What?
HEATHER: You're not getting Ed.
I don't want you or Colin
anywhere near him.
How was she?
My husband died,
and left me to raise my son.
AINSLEY: I think I did know
that. That's quite right.
I should have
put two and two together.
Happy birthday, Mum.
There were much more flattering
photos of me at work.
I look so fat
in the one you chose.
I think you look beautiful
in all of them.
It was a good speech.
Thank you, my son.
AINSLEY: What a truly
magical evening.
Who could ask for anything
more?
I could ask for a grandchild.
(LAUGHS) Between you and me,
I wouldn't give up
on the grandbabies just yet.
Better not to raise my hopes.
No, fair enough.
Not with Geri.
But they got so close.
Huh? I beg your pardon.
Who is Geri?
It was just
a handful of conversations.
Conversations that
you hid from me!
Yeah, because I was
trying to protect you!
From my own grandchild?
Well, there IS no grandchild.
That's the point!
I didn't want to
get your hopes up.
You conspired to
impregnate a stranger,
and you said nothing
to your own mother.
I didn't want advice
from anyone.
(SIGHS) Just like your father.
Just like your father!
Can we just not fight?
We've had such a lovely night.
That's before
you broke my heart.
Well, I
I'm sorry you feel that way,
but I'm not going to apologise
for making the right choice -
for me.
I see. You've made your
feelings very clear.
(SIGHS) OK.
Why don't we just get some rest,
and we can have a chat
in the morning?
There's nothing more to say.
(LAUGHS) Right.
So that's it, is it?
We'll just never speak again?
That's a choice YOU made.
I haven't chosen anything
in my life.
You chose it all for me.
I don't know
if I ever will have kids.
But if I do, I will never
punish them the way you punish me.
(DOOR CLOSES)
- (PHONE BUZZES CONTINUOUSLY)
- (SIGHS)
Good morning, Aunty.
What's wrong with you,
Harpreet?
I take it Mum reached out.
She says you have sworn
not to have children,
to punish her and publicly
declare your hatred.
- I see.
- You must go to her
and apologise.
And maybe get her a gift.
An expensive one.
I know you're just
trying to help,
but there's really
nothing you can do.
Come on, Harpreet,
you're smarter than this.
No, I'm not!
And I am
I'm not going to apologise.
If we don't speak again,
you should know,
you were always my favourite.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGS)
- Hi, there.
- Hey.
I was beginning to think
you weren't talking to me.
Yeah, sorry,
I've just been flat-out.
Um
Look, I thought you
should know I'm
- I'm coming to Melbourne.
- What?
Yeah, so, Templeman and Marsh
have offered me executive
director in Melbourne.
It's a massive package -
full relocation,
all the bells and whistles.
Well, then, that's incredible.
Con Congratulations.
Look, I'm not really sure if I
even want it, but they
aren't
taking no for an answer,
so I thought
I'd take advantage of
first-class flight, and
we can finally have that
face-to-face.
- I'll meet you at the airport.
- No, no need.
They've organised
a driver and accom.
But you can meet me
at the hotel, if you like.
Uh Yeah.
Of course.
- Where Where?
- I'll send you the details.
I'll ring the hotel,
let them know you're coming.
- Just grab the key
and go on up.
- Oh, I'll meet you in OK.
OK. Um
Um, when are you here?
I land day after tomorrow.
Is that a problem?
No!
No, that's perfect.
OK.
- OK.
- Great.
Guess I'll see you
in a couple of days.
Hey.
Stuart just called.
He's coming home in two days.
I am spiralling.
I can't work out
the best way to tell him.
(SIGHS) Just tell him the truth.
But in what order?
And how soon?
What, do I just
lay it on him at first sight?
"Welcome home.
I had sex with a lady."
I mean, he's he's coming off
a 20-hour flight,
for God's sake.
He's probably flying business.
First-class, actually.
Then he'll be
more rested than you.
- Have you seen my hoodie?
- It's on the clothes horse.
Harry, either way,
he's going to be expecting
You know, that's the problem -
I don't know
what he's expecting!
I don't know where he is
or where to start.
Start at the beginning.
Oh, thank you, Mrs Von Trapp.
Now's not the time
to be a smartarse.
Well, what can I do?
What did you tell him, again?
I don't I don't know.
I don't really remember.
Come on, Harry.
I need specifics here.
I didn't say much.
He talked, and
and I just listened.
What, so he just guessed?
- Pretty much.
- And you confirmed it?
What difference does it make?
Sounds like
a bit of a tricky one.
To be fair, the landlord
has attended to your request
three times, Irene.
They were all
professional plumbers.
Well, ah, if it were me,
I would remove
all the damp towels
No Um, no.
I'm not using
a tone with you, Irene.
I'm just saying that
I've received all 27 photos of
your your
sewerage state, so
Hello?
Hi, Mel!
Where the fuck is Lachlan?
How's little Starlette?
Oh, she's being a bitch.
Just ignore her.
- Oh. She seems
- Is he hiding?
No, he had to go and, um,
show a client through
Fucker!
Don't judge me -
they have no memory at all
until they're at least three.
That sounds true.
He was supposed to be home
two hours ago.
He's not answering his phone.
He's meant to be
looking after Star.
(EXHALES AND MUTTERS)
I can't nude prep
with her hanging off my hip.
I've tried.
It's too dangerous.
She keeps trying to
grab the razor.
You know,
he's doing this deliberately
'cause I'm going on a date
with Ben.
Ben-Ben?
Big-unit Ben from your joint, yeah.
What? How'd it happen?
Lachlan is totally threatened
because Ben's taller
and he's hotter
(BABY VOICE) ..and he works
with his hands, yes!
- (BREATHLESSLY) I'm so sorry.
- What the fuck
is wrong with you?
I just couldn't get away.
(BABY VOICE) Hello, my girl!
If you want to know
what that smell is,
I left a dirty nappy
on his desk.
What?
I'm sorry.
- Did she lash out at you?
- Not really.
It's not about you,
she's just being particularly
volatile at the moment.
(BABY VOICE) She's striking out
left, right and centre.
- MEL: Get in the car now!
- Oh, OK.
- Solid, isn't it?
- Kind of lumpy, isn't it?
- Yeah
- Kind of got a rhythm to it.
Should I blend it?
Just We'll mix really hard.
- OK.
- Smells good.
- Oh, Sim burnt the butter.
- I burnt the butter.
I'm sorry, everyone.
Is Heather round?
Uh, she's still with Ed.
OK.
I just found out that
Melanie is going on a date
with Ben.
- Our Ben?
- Correct.
Yeah? Good on him.
No, not good on him.
SIMMO: I thought you two
were mates now.
She's not actively abusing me
online anymore,
but she's not
a safe place for Ben.
Why's that?
I mean, swing a cat,
you'll hit a reason.
She's a loose canon,
for starters
Benny can handle
himself with the ladies.
Especially the kooky ones.
Do him good
to get back out there.
Well, Heath's not
going to like it.
Well, she has been actively
encouraging him to date for ages.
- Not with Mel!
She hates her guts.
- That was ages ago.
She calls her
'the ultimate scrag'
and 'white-trash on crack'.
Uh, they're
They're just the PG ones.
LIZ: I don't think that
she'll care.
Well, what if you're wrong?
BEN: What if who's wrong?
Uh I burnt the butter.
- Again?
- Yeah.
Mate
- What's going on here?
- Hmm?
You tell me.
Tell you what?
Oh. Just about the secret date
you're going on
with Mel tonight.
No, I'm not.
It's not a date.
Oh, so, what,
it's just a bit of a
bit of a casual catch-up, is
it?
Yeah, it's that, mate,
it's just
It's just a quiet beer.
Mel thinks it's a date.
Nah. No, she DM'ed me
'cause I posted a photo of me
and Mia that she liked,
she said let's get a frothy.
Very low-key.
I said, "Yeah, righto."
- I think you'll find
that's a date.
- Definitely a date.
- So what if it is?
- (STAMMERS)
It isn't.
She's up for a yarn, that's
all.
(LAUGHS) That is NO
what she wants.
You need to know that you
are stepping into a minefield.
- Once you're in her orbit
- (MESSAGE ALERT DINGS)
you're gonna get hurt.
Oh, my God, she is relentless.
HARRY: She is covering
a lot of ground.
AINSLEY: Who?
(IMITATES MANJU) "Please return
the large crockpot,
"two baking trays
and my aprons.
"Just leave them
on my doorstep."
She's punishing me
about the baby thing.
What, because of what I said?
Well, I should have
told her earlier.
Harry, I'm so sorry.
Don't be! I'm not.
And I'm not gonna give her
the satisfaction of a response.
- Good for you, mate.
- LIZ: Is it, though?
Why not just say you're
sorry? - Because I'm not sorry!
- And I'm sick of
pretending I am.
- (PHONE BUZZES)
She'll run out of steam
sooner or later.
Hi, Manju!
MANJU: Ainsley, can you hear
me?
Yes, I can.
You are quite faint, though.
It is difficult for me to lift
the phone, so I'll be brief.
Thank you for taking my call.
I'm sure Harpreet must have
tried to turn you off me.
No, not at all.
He loves you SO much.
You're the only one
who spoke the truth.
You opened my eyes.
And I need your help
to sell my home.
- To What's that?
- You hear me, Ainsley.
I did. I
Just I'm That's
wow, such a huge decision,
and, you know, this is all,
really, it's my fault.
Two doors down,
it's just two bedrooms
with a very ugly garden.
It sold last year for 800,000.
But I'll be guided by your
professional recommendation.
Manju, I am NOT recommending
that you sell your house,
in any way, shape or form.
MANJU: Fine, I can go to
another estate agent.
No, no, no. Um
Don't do that. I'll (SIGHS)
I'll Of course, yeah,
I'll help in any way I can.
If Simon could mow the lawn for
the photos, that would be great.
It's Harpreet's job,
but I've abandoned
all expectations of him.
It's not your fault.
It is so clearly my fault.
LIZ: It does sound like it is.
I promise I will talk her down.
- You can't.
- I can, and I will.
What?
She's bluffing.
There's no way
she'd sell that house.
I think it's a brilliant idea
and you have my full support.
That's very gracious of you, Harpreet.
I don't need your approval.
Come on in.
- What are you doing here?
- I can help with conveyancing.
Sorry.
And the heart of every home.
Mmm, the kitchen is excellent.
You knew, as soon as
you set foot in here,
that this was the house for you.
No, I did not.
I chose this house
because it had many bedrooms
for my grandchildren.
I still had hope then.
Well, imagine how free you'll
be when you move out
and leave all those
painful memories behind.
Shall we move on?
Now, this
is a renovator's dream.
I mean,
if you knocked down that wall,
the whole space
would really open up.
Actually, I think you'll find
that's probably
a load-bearing wall.
Maybe a developer can buy it
and knock the whole house down.
Um, well, I'm afraid this area
isn't zoned
for large developments,
so that will narrow down
your options
in what is, unfortunately,
already quite a soft market.
I'm just
so excited for you, Mum.
I mean, the timing
feels really right, and
You've clearly
thought it through.
Of course I have.
- Where will you go?
- Uh
If I sell quickly, then I'll go
to Geetha's for a short time.
That's a one-bedroom.
The lounge is very large
and sparsely furnished.
Shall we have a look
at the bedrooms?
I don't like the idea of
you sleeping in a loungeroom.
- That's none of your concern.
- Of course it is, Mum!
Look, maybe
Maybe, it's time we looked at
moving you into a nursing home.
Of course.
You're right.
There's no point in
delaying the inevitable.
You are unbelievable!
You'd seriously rather sell
your house than just apologise
to me?
We both know a nursing home
is your worst nightmare.
- Call them now.
- It's not just a phone call.
There are protocols
and waiting lists.
It could take years.
Elizabeth, you were in
a nursing home, weren't you?
Oh, um
I worked in one, yes.
I wasn't an actual resident.
Surely you can
pull some strings.
Well, I can try
The master suite
is beautifully appointed.
Come on. Come.
Come, come, come, come!
Oop! Sorry, mate.
Here we go -
one Adios, Motherfucker.
Correct. Thank you.
Cheers!
Eh?
Cheers.
Oh, cute. Look.
Oh, there you go.
Can you believe
I pulled all of this together
with a kid literally
hanging off me?
Bloody credit to you.
They're hard yakka,
when they're little, eh?
I remember when, um,
little Mia was about three
Ben, I'm gonna
(CLEARS THROAT)
stop you there.
I didn't come for kiddie chat.
Yeah?
I came to get loose.
With you.
- You with me?
- Well, yes and no.
'Cause I have spent
a fucking fortune.
I'm bald as a badger
from nose to toe.
I just I
I don't know how loose I am.
I actually I don't
I don't think I am that loose.
- Are you slut-shaming me?
- No, no, not at all!
I just I want to be upfront
with you, 'cause, um
I'm just not really
available,
um, emotionally.
Who said anything
about emotions?
Mate, you're hot.
I'm hot.
I saw you on the Insta,
I thought,
"Huge chest, massive hands -
do the carpets
match the drapes?"
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) OK
I want to see
what you're working with.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY,
CLEARS THROAT)
Well, the thing is, Mel
- The emotions and the
- Cock.
they normally come as a
package deal with me, so
You know what I mean?
(WHISPERS) Whatever.
I mean
it's weird, but, sure.
I'm gonna need more cocktails.
And a lot of photos.
I haven't looked this hot
since I spat the kid out.
- Yeah?
- All of this needs to be
documented, right now.
'Cause I will look two decades
older within the hour.
I want to do a boomerang.
Can you do a boomerang with me?
- What's a boomerang?
- Alright, ready?
One, two, three.
- (SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Oh, fuck, it didn't work.
- Can I have a look?
- No.
- I went too far.
- You did. It was brutal.
I need you to talk to her. -
You just kept going and going.
OK.
Can you put the fear of God
into her with some of your
parables?
You know, like the old man who
died straining on the toilet.
Or did he die
when he hit the ground?
Well, both.
There were two of them.
- Only two weeks apart, too.
- Well, perfect!
- Can we add a third?
- Well, I just
Your performance
has to be flawless.
Well, that goes without saying.
Look, I'm happy to do it,
and I can,
flawlessly.
But do you want my advice?
You've gotta double-bluff her.
I know it
feels counterintuitive,
but if you back down now,
she's won.
You take her in for a dry run.
One night on the frontline,
and all this goes away.
I can tee it up
with a phone call.
And I guarantee you,
she will not sell the house.
I can get Pat to make that
place feel like an asylum.
Yeah. Make the call.
Now.
- Who wants a drink?
- No, thanks.
So you might want to know that
Ben is currently on a date.
So?
With Mel.
If it's any consolation, I
don't think Ben thinks it's a date.
Well
She's not his type.
I mean
She puts sexy filters
on a toddler, so
I think she's stopped
doing that.
Yeah, well, either way,
it's none of my business.
- I know that.
- So why are you telling me?
That, I don't know.
Can I take a stab at what
broke you guys in the end?
Was it the
overall loss of collagen,
or the perma-rage
No, I cheated on her.
- With a young'un?
- With my ex wife.
It was a very complicated
situation, but
Mmm. Always is.
It was the worst thing I've
ever done to another human being,
and that includes
the things I did in jail.
Was your old man a root-rat?
He was, yeah.
Mine fucked around until he
found a better cook than Mum,
and then dropped us
like hot scones.
It really destroyed Mum,
you know?
She gained 40 kilos
in six weeks.
- Geez.
- Yeah.
And she made me swear that
I would never get fat
or screw around on anyone.
- When you were 11?
- And a never have,
not even once.
But every prick I've ever
been with has cheated on me.
See that
that's just bullshit, mate.
Sometimes I think
it's because I'm so hot
men feel like they don't
deserve me, and so
they sabotage.
Could be that.
Could be that.
Tell you what, Mel,
I've had a really
nice time,
but I should probably
- No, you're not bailing.
- Eh?
Uh-uh. No, no, no -
we're kicking on.
You don't even have to like it,
it's just what's happening.
- I
- End of.
Come on! Come on!
What kind of mate leaves a mate
all alone on the piss
in a top like this?
Uh
- Same again?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Whoo!
- Yeah, just one
I'll have one more beer.
Alright, one more beer,
one more beer, one more beer.
Oh, can I have your credit
card?
Eh?
(DOOR OPENS QUIETLY)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(QUIET FOOTSTEPS)
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Where are you going?
Just going to get some water.
Oh, could you get me some, please?
Ta.
(LIQUID FLOWS)
(LIQUID STOPS)
(LIQUID FLOWS)
(LIQUID STOPS)
(LIQUID FLOWS)
(LIQUID STOPS, TOILET FLUSHES)
(TAP RUNS)
BEN: Hey!
Hey, yourself.
Good night?
Oh, not bad.
Yeah.
Just a few quiet ales.
Couple of quieties, yeah.
Not on your own?
No, no, with a mate.
New mate.
Uh
No. Known 'em for a while.
Hmm.
Uh Yeah
Just had a a feed.
Night.
Yeah, nighty-night, Heath.
See you in the morning.
(BEN MURMURS INDISTINCTLY)
No matter what,
we maintain course.
- What's this?
- My baby clothes.
- Well, should we
put them in the car?
- Just keep walking.
If she gets a whiff of guilt,
it's all over.
Morning.
That's one of two.
Oh. It's heavier than it looks.
The coffee maker is in that one.
It really is just the one night.
That's what they all say
to the feeble-minded,
to get their foot in the door.
I've done my research.
I know what this is.
And I accept my fate.
There's nothing left here
for me now.
Well, let's get this show
on the road, huh?
In you pop.
PAT: We're celebrating
Hawaii this week.
Aloha!
Welcome to our tribe.
We're a colourful,
forgiving bunch.
There's no shame here.
Just this way.
Many of our older residents
have struggled with living alone.
My struggle is with my son.
We're almost too close,
aren't we?
I lived at home till I was
30. - 30?
Harpreet thought
I would reject him
because of
his homosexual lifestyle.
But he's the one
who rejected me.
- That's very common.
- I don't think so.
We've got at least
half a dozen residents
who feel exactly the same way,
on this wing alone.
Oh, you've already got
a conversation starter.
- Jenny, just
- Oh, Lindsey! Hello.
No, don't be scared.
It's me, Liz.
I used to work here.
- Elizabeth.
- Quinn!
- Elizabeth?
- Yes!
How are you?
Can you give me another jelly?
I can try.
Let's keep going.
All the way down the end.
Oh, it's a long walk, is it?
- It's good for the ticker.
- (WOMAN SHOUTS)
(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
Oh, Seema!
They told me you were dead.
It's me. It's Bev.
It's Beverly, from Bingo.
Bev, this is Manju, not Seema.
Unfortunately, Seema
really won't be coming back.
Quinn! Bit of a hand
with Bev, please.
Let's keep moving.
It's a shame we don't
have you on a Tuesday.
We're doing
'taste the world Tuesdays'.
You don't worry about that.
Last week, we went to Italy,
with spaghetti and meatballs.
We've got trivia
and music nights
- Aquarobics.
- Yes, we're persevering.
Still surprisingly popular.
I won't be socialising.
Okie-dokie.
(TRAFFIC ROARS)
(LOUDLY) This is one of
our luxury suites.
Most of the rooms
are a lot smaller.
- And noisier, without a view.
- (ENGINE REVS)
Oh.
You might notice personal items
belonging to one of the, uh,
previous occupants, Ted.
He passed quite suddenly.
Was it last night,
or this morning?
Well, we found him this morning.
- He was ready to go.
- Oh, for a long time, yeah.
(CAR HORN BLARES)
How are you feeling, Mum?
Exhausted.
PAT: Well, you're
in the right place.
Let's pop downstairs
for your medical.
What does that involve?
Quick check of your vitals,
a few blood tests -
all very standard.
Oh I'm not sure
my legs will carry me.
- They don't have to.
- PAT: You genuinely
don't need legs here.
Oh.
Quinn, can you get Sebastian
to change that bed, please?
(WHISPERS) Seema?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Are you OK?
She's not backing down.
Do not underestimate
the agony of the night shift.
I've read that over 90% of
triple-0 calls happen at night.
What if she talks herself into
actually wanting to be here?
HEATHER: Not possible.
One night in this joint,
you'll not only
get your apology,
she'll be a completely
different woman.
- You don't know her like I do.
- I do.
I mean, I don't know her
like you do, but I know her.
And I love her.
But she's bullied you
all your life.
You've never stood up to her
like this.
This is a turning point.
You are doing the right thing.
For both of you.
SIMMO: Kind of like that
lumberjack vibe,
and just chisel in.
You mean like Mr T,
or Wolverine or something?
- Mate, I can't carry it.
- Oh! No, no, no.
Not like a handlebar, but more
like a Poirot type of vibe.
All day long, you could.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hey. How you going?
MEL: I want to throw my kid
in the bin,
but aside from that, yeah.
You?
- Pretty good, yeah. Yeah.
- (BABY SHOUTS)
MEL: Oh, Star! Just
Here's your iPad. Look at that.
- So, what are you up to later?
- Uh, nothing. Why?
Lachlan's old girl dropped
a surprise visit on Star,
and we can't be left alone,
so I get a free pass,
if you want to grab a drink?
Oh, yeah? w-What's your plan?
Wh-what time are you thinking?
- About 8, 8:30?
- Yeah, done.
- Oi! You put that down now!
Little shit!
- (STARLETTE CRIES)
- Look, I gotta go.
- Yeah, alright.
- (HANGS UP)
- So, what, you think?
Hung up.
What?
- Spit it out, mate.
Spit it out!
- Nothing. Nah.
Didn't say anything.
SIMMO: Oh!
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MURMURS) Keys, keys, keys
Ah.
Keys.
HEATHER: Two nights
in a row, eh?
I know, eh?
Like I'm a young fella.
(LAUGHS)
- Same mate?
- Yeah. Yeah.
I should've, um,
said this last night -
I don't know why I didn't -
it's uh, Mel.
As in, Mel-Mel. Lachlan's Mel. Yeah.
I don't know why
I didn't tell you that,
Don't have to tell me anything.
Yeah, I know, but
I wanna.
Yeah
I'm glad you did.
(BEN LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Have fun.
Cheers. You too.
Keep your
wallet in your pocket and don't
let her get behind the wheel.
(BEN LAUGHS)
Yeah. Alright.
I'm not denying that being
attractive opens doors -
of course it does.
It's human nature.
But all I'm saying is that
people don't really talk about
the fact that
it closes just as many.
It's not our fault. It's a
switch that we can't turn off.
And it affects everything.
Like, I'm also an artist.
- I loved art in high school.
- Yeah?
- First time in my life that
- I wanted to work with clay,
but, like, no matter
how technically brilliant
my pieces were,
as soon as I stood next to
them, they just
disappeared.
It's really hurtful.
How old's your daughter?
Uh, she'll be, um
She's 17 in a couple of months.
Mmm.
She know what
she wants to be yet?
Well, it changes
every half an hour,
but it's always
something creative.
What did you want to be
when you were her age?
Eh? Me, I wanted to be a
I wanted to play footy,
with the big boys.
- Mm-hm. Were you any good?
- Nah.
- Oh, you were.
- No.
You're built like
a brick shithouse.
Where were you, halfback?
Fullback?
Halfback.
Who do you barrack for?
St Kilda.
You a member?
30 years, yeah.
Fuck off!
For real?
BEN: So how old
does that make you?
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
(TRAFFIC PASSES,
TRAM BELL DINGS)
(SIREN WAILS)
WOMAN: Herb,
that's not your room.
- MAN: No? I'm j
- WOMAN: Come on.
- We're this way.
- Don't touch me!
WOMAN: How did you
get out of bed?
(MAN CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(DOOR CLOSES) - BEN: No,
favourite's too hard.
I'll give you a top three,
or nothing.
Yeah. Winmar, Hayes, Frawley.
Yeah, I still miss him,
of course I do. He's a legend.
Who've you got?
Yeah? Yeah, no,
I'll give you that -
Harves and Rooey,
but Steeley's
Nah, Mel, it's too early
to make a call on him.
(LAUGHS)
I don't care if I do sound gay.
I don't care if I do.
I just don't think
he's that hot. But I'm
No, I'm listening to you, I
just can't find my bloody charger.
Harry borrows it every frigging
night and doesn't put it back.
Now I've got
Oh, there it is.
No, I've got this dodgy one
that doesn't work
unless you jiggle it.
Well, I don't want to jiggle
it, I want to go to bed.
What were you saying before
about Lyon, though?
You c
You can't hang a bloke out to
dry for that,
unless you're gonna do it
for everyone
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Try eating something.
- What if she doesn't call?
- She will.
Pat needs the bed back
this arvo.
She won't muck around.
(PHONE RINGS)
It's Dawes Court.
There you go, you've done it.
Well, I did it.
Harry Sethi speaking.
PAT: Harry, it's Pat
from Dawes Court.
Good morning, Pat.
Thank you so much for calling.
I I won't lie,
it's been a very long night.
I'm sorry to hear that.
HARRY: No, don't be. How is
she?
I'm assuming
she asked you to call.
PAT: No. She didn't.
I'm afraid there's
some cause for concern
in your mother's
medical results.
HARRY: What kind of concern?
There are some anomalies
in her bloods,
and our GP would like to
refer her to an oncologist
for further tests
as soon as possible.
If we can get her in
tomorrow morning,
that would be ideal.
I see. Um
Does she know?
PAT: No, I thought
I'd reach out to you first.
Would you like me
to tell her now?
No. Uh
Thank you.
But no, I'll, um, I'll come in.
I think she'd prefer to
hear it from me.
Of course.
I'm so sorry, Harry.
Thank you.
Um
They found cancer.
Oh, fuck.
(DOOR OPENS)
(STUART SIGHS)
LIZ: (WHISPERS) Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I can't believe you're here.
Me either.
How was the flight?
Yeah, yeah, great.
I slept like a baby.
- Um, do you need a hand
- No, no, I've got it.
You look great.
Y-yeah. So So do you.
Um
All I
really want to know is
are you in love
with someone else?
No. God, no. Absolutely not.
Right. So, what, you're just
having
emotionally-detached sex
for the first time
in your life, then?
You know I'm not
capable of that.
Then what?
I I can explain.
I just need you to understand
the the context.
- OK?
- Context. OK. Well, I'll try.
OK
Um
You know that I've
been going through
some kind of
reckoning, um, just
questioning myself
and who I am and
and what I want.
(SIGHS) Um,
what you don't know is that
Harry and I were
basically at war, and I was
totally adrift.
And then when
Geri came to stay
and he started talking
about having a baby with her,
it just set off
some kind of panic in me,
and I just couldn't see
which way was up,
and all I could think about
was myself and what I wanted.
And I was just
terrified of
losing Harry's friendship
and Geri's, and I
I was just profoundly lost
and confused.
- Sorry. C
- And I
I really want to hear
all of this -
don't think I don't. It
Are you saying that
There's no other guy?
Um, no, definitely
not another guy.
Hang on, then why did Harry
lead me to believe that
there was someone else?
I I
I don't think that
he would have meant
Oh, no, he definitely knew
what he was doing.
Well, I'm sorry.
That is out of line.
- Yes! Yes, it was out of line!
- Yeah.
- I mean, you poor thing!
- I was confused!
I didn't know - You must
have been thinking
- Of course
- Oh, darling.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling well.
And how was your night?
Oh, I'm adjusting.
I'm sure, in time,
I'll be very happy here.
You can sit in the chair.
Mum, I'm so sorry.
Last night was horrible for me,
and I know
it was much worse for you.
And I'm begging you to
please let me take you home.
This is where I belong now.
No, it's not.
I've found my place here.
I know you feel let-down, mum.
In so many ways.
Mum
Um
They found some abnormalities
in your blood.
And, um (CLEARS THROAT)
It looks like
we're going to need to
get you to an oncologist.
Probably tomorrow morning.
I'm not seeing
your father's oncologist.
Horrible little man.
You'll find me someone else.
Next time on Five Bedrooms
LIZ: Manju's gonna need
a lot of care.
I think that
she should move in here.
Why are we here?
Take me home!
What happened with Stuart?
He wasn't ready, so I lied.
So he thinks
I deliberately misled him?
HEATHER: OK, alright. Now
She's not stretching far enough.
Why are you even here?
Previously, on Five Bedrooms
HEATHER: Not many blokes
would have the balls
to turn up for their exes
the way you turned up tonight.
I'll never do that to you again.
HEATHER: There's no
coming back from this.
- Hey, mate.
- I'm Ed.
I'm Heather's lecturer.
BEN: Righto. How long have
they been seeing each other?
- No more than
a couple of weeks.
- A couple of weeks?
Apologies, everyone,
for the delay.
We're We're not going to
get married today.
Have you discussed kids
with anyone other than Liz?
I actually want to ask her
if she'd consider
having a baby as a single.
I have feelings for Liz.
Wait, what?
I don't want you
to betray your friendship,
but is there someone else,
Harry?
You need to talk to your wife.
I spoke to Stuart.
He knows there's someone else.
I'm really starting to think
I don't know where you are.
There is a conversation that
you and I need to have.
HARRY: I've performed
critical surgery
that felt less high-stakes
than this.
Mum made it very clear
that she was expecting
a celebration for the ages
for her 70th.
She'd already declared
the restaurant lighting
was confronting,
and the food was a disgrace.
So I knew, going in,
the only chance I had
to make her vaguely happy
was to blow her away
with the speech.
As the eldest daughter,
and ultimate middle child,
Mum had no choice but to grow
up almost instantly.
After Dad passed,
her entire existence
became about protecting me.
Grief was a luxury
she didn't have time for.
She was alone
in a foreign land
with a young son,
and she not only survived,
she thrived.
Her 20 years of shift work,
in various factories,
where she spent
10-12 hours a day,
six days a week, all for me.
- (LAUGHTER)
- BEN: Oh, mate.
She single-handedly
paid for my entire education,
and created possibilities
for my life
that she never dared dream
for herself.
Mum, despite the in
despite the incredible education
you sacrificed
your entire life to give me,
I still don't quite
have the words
to express how much I love you.
My fiercest champion,
my defender,
and my guide.
Happy birthday, Mum.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(INAUDIBLE)
(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATIONS)
- (LAUGHTER)
- (INAUDIBLE CHATTER)
SIMMO: How beautiful
was the speech?
Oh, thank you Simon.
Kevin.
- I beg your pardon.
- Nothing.
Oh, my God, it was sublime.
It was so moving.
It was just
wave after wave
You shouldn't have delayed your
return to England on my account.
Oh, I didn't push it back
that far.
Time is relative, isn't it,
I find, as I get older.
And I just I really wanted
to be here with you.
You must get your own friends.
Heather, your new lover,
I take it
he's not a sociopath.
Oh, no, no.
He just couldn't make it.
Are you ashamed of him?
Not consciously, no.
Don't tell me
he's not here 'cause of me.
- Unless it's 'cause of me.
- Of course it is.
What? Why?
I'm hard into him.
Yep, that's why.
BEN: What?
HEATHER: You're not getting Ed.
I don't want you or Colin
anywhere near him.
How was she?
My husband died,
and left me to raise my son.
AINSLEY: I think I did know
that. That's quite right.
I should have
put two and two together.
Happy birthday, Mum.
There were much more flattering
photos of me at work.
I look so fat
in the one you chose.
I think you look beautiful
in all of them.
It was a good speech.
Thank you, my son.
AINSLEY: What a truly
magical evening.
Who could ask for anything
more?
I could ask for a grandchild.
(LAUGHS) Between you and me,
I wouldn't give up
on the grandbabies just yet.
Better not to raise my hopes.
No, fair enough.
Not with Geri.
But they got so close.
Huh? I beg your pardon.
Who is Geri?
It was just
a handful of conversations.
Conversations that
you hid from me!
Yeah, because I was
trying to protect you!
From my own grandchild?
Well, there IS no grandchild.
That's the point!
I didn't want to
get your hopes up.
You conspired to
impregnate a stranger,
and you said nothing
to your own mother.
I didn't want advice
from anyone.
(SIGHS) Just like your father.
Just like your father!
Can we just not fight?
We've had such a lovely night.
That's before
you broke my heart.
Well, I
I'm sorry you feel that way,
but I'm not going to apologise
for making the right choice -
for me.
I see. You've made your
feelings very clear.
(SIGHS) OK.
Why don't we just get some rest,
and we can have a chat
in the morning?
There's nothing more to say.
(LAUGHS) Right.
So that's it, is it?
We'll just never speak again?
That's a choice YOU made.
I haven't chosen anything
in my life.
You chose it all for me.
I don't know
if I ever will have kids.
But if I do, I will never
punish them the way you punish me.
(DOOR CLOSES)
- (PHONE BUZZES CONTINUOUSLY)
- (SIGHS)
Good morning, Aunty.
What's wrong with you,
Harpreet?
I take it Mum reached out.
She says you have sworn
not to have children,
to punish her and publicly
declare your hatred.
- I see.
- You must go to her
and apologise.
And maybe get her a gift.
An expensive one.
I know you're just
trying to help,
but there's really
nothing you can do.
Come on, Harpreet,
you're smarter than this.
No, I'm not!
And I am
I'm not going to apologise.
If we don't speak again,
you should know,
you were always my favourite.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGS)
- Hi, there.
- Hey.
I was beginning to think
you weren't talking to me.
Yeah, sorry,
I've just been flat-out.
Um
Look, I thought you
should know I'm
- I'm coming to Melbourne.
- What?
Yeah, so, Templeman and Marsh
have offered me executive
director in Melbourne.
It's a massive package -
full relocation,
all the bells and whistles.
Well, then, that's incredible.
Con Congratulations.
Look, I'm not really sure if I
even want it, but they
aren't
taking no for an answer,
so I thought
I'd take advantage of
first-class flight, and
we can finally have that
face-to-face.
- I'll meet you at the airport.
- No, no need.
They've organised
a driver and accom.
But you can meet me
at the hotel, if you like.
Uh Yeah.
Of course.
- Where Where?
- I'll send you the details.
I'll ring the hotel,
let them know you're coming.
- Just grab the key
and go on up.
- Oh, I'll meet you in OK.
OK. Um
Um, when are you here?
I land day after tomorrow.
Is that a problem?
No!
No, that's perfect.
OK.
- OK.
- Great.
Guess I'll see you
in a couple of days.
Hey.
Stuart just called.
He's coming home in two days.
I am spiralling.
I can't work out
the best way to tell him.
(SIGHS) Just tell him the truth.
But in what order?
And how soon?
What, do I just
lay it on him at first sight?
"Welcome home.
I had sex with a lady."
I mean, he's he's coming off
a 20-hour flight,
for God's sake.
He's probably flying business.
First-class, actually.
Then he'll be
more rested than you.
- Have you seen my hoodie?
- It's on the clothes horse.
Harry, either way,
he's going to be expecting
You know, that's the problem -
I don't know
what he's expecting!
I don't know where he is
or where to start.
Start at the beginning.
Oh, thank you, Mrs Von Trapp.
Now's not the time
to be a smartarse.
Well, what can I do?
What did you tell him, again?
I don't I don't know.
I don't really remember.
Come on, Harry.
I need specifics here.
I didn't say much.
He talked, and
and I just listened.
What, so he just guessed?
- Pretty much.
- And you confirmed it?
What difference does it make?
Sounds like
a bit of a tricky one.
To be fair, the landlord
has attended to your request
three times, Irene.
They were all
professional plumbers.
Well, ah, if it were me,
I would remove
all the damp towels
No Um, no.
I'm not using
a tone with you, Irene.
I'm just saying that
I've received all 27 photos of
your your
sewerage state, so
Hello?
Hi, Mel!
Where the fuck is Lachlan?
How's little Starlette?
Oh, she's being a bitch.
Just ignore her.
- Oh. She seems
- Is he hiding?
No, he had to go and, um,
show a client through
Fucker!
Don't judge me -
they have no memory at all
until they're at least three.
That sounds true.
He was supposed to be home
two hours ago.
He's not answering his phone.
He's meant to be
looking after Star.
(EXHALES AND MUTTERS)
I can't nude prep
with her hanging off my hip.
I've tried.
It's too dangerous.
She keeps trying to
grab the razor.
You know,
he's doing this deliberately
'cause I'm going on a date
with Ben.
Ben-Ben?
Big-unit Ben from your joint, yeah.
What? How'd it happen?
Lachlan is totally threatened
because Ben's taller
and he's hotter
(BABY VOICE) ..and he works
with his hands, yes!
- (BREATHLESSLY) I'm so sorry.
- What the fuck
is wrong with you?
I just couldn't get away.
(BABY VOICE) Hello, my girl!
If you want to know
what that smell is,
I left a dirty nappy
on his desk.
What?
I'm sorry.
- Did she lash out at you?
- Not really.
It's not about you,
she's just being particularly
volatile at the moment.
(BABY VOICE) She's striking out
left, right and centre.
- MEL: Get in the car now!
- Oh, OK.
- Solid, isn't it?
- Kind of lumpy, isn't it?
- Yeah
- Kind of got a rhythm to it.
Should I blend it?
Just We'll mix really hard.
- OK.
- Smells good.
- Oh, Sim burnt the butter.
- I burnt the butter.
I'm sorry, everyone.
Is Heather round?
Uh, she's still with Ed.
OK.
I just found out that
Melanie is going on a date
with Ben.
- Our Ben?
- Correct.
Yeah? Good on him.
No, not good on him.
SIMMO: I thought you two
were mates now.
She's not actively abusing me
online anymore,
but she's not
a safe place for Ben.
Why's that?
I mean, swing a cat,
you'll hit a reason.
She's a loose canon,
for starters
Benny can handle
himself with the ladies.
Especially the kooky ones.
Do him good
to get back out there.
Well, Heath's not
going to like it.
Well, she has been actively
encouraging him to date for ages.
- Not with Mel!
She hates her guts.
- That was ages ago.
She calls her
'the ultimate scrag'
and 'white-trash on crack'.
Uh, they're
They're just the PG ones.
LIZ: I don't think that
she'll care.
Well, what if you're wrong?
BEN: What if who's wrong?
Uh I burnt the butter.
- Again?
- Yeah.
Mate
- What's going on here?
- Hmm?
You tell me.
Tell you what?
Oh. Just about the secret date
you're going on
with Mel tonight.
No, I'm not.
It's not a date.
Oh, so, what,
it's just a bit of a
bit of a casual catch-up, is
it?
Yeah, it's that, mate,
it's just
It's just a quiet beer.
Mel thinks it's a date.
Nah. No, she DM'ed me
'cause I posted a photo of me
and Mia that she liked,
she said let's get a frothy.
Very low-key.
I said, "Yeah, righto."
- I think you'll find
that's a date.
- Definitely a date.
- So what if it is?
- (STAMMERS)
It isn't.
She's up for a yarn, that's
all.
(LAUGHS) That is NO
what she wants.
You need to know that you
are stepping into a minefield.
- Once you're in her orbit
- (MESSAGE ALERT DINGS)
you're gonna get hurt.
Oh, my God, she is relentless.
HARRY: She is covering
a lot of ground.
AINSLEY: Who?
(IMITATES MANJU) "Please return
the large crockpot,
"two baking trays
and my aprons.
"Just leave them
on my doorstep."
She's punishing me
about the baby thing.
What, because of what I said?
Well, I should have
told her earlier.
Harry, I'm so sorry.
Don't be! I'm not.
And I'm not gonna give her
the satisfaction of a response.
- Good for you, mate.
- LIZ: Is it, though?
Why not just say you're
sorry? - Because I'm not sorry!
- And I'm sick of
pretending I am.
- (PHONE BUZZES)
She'll run out of steam
sooner or later.
Hi, Manju!
MANJU: Ainsley, can you hear
me?
Yes, I can.
You are quite faint, though.
It is difficult for me to lift
the phone, so I'll be brief.
Thank you for taking my call.
I'm sure Harpreet must have
tried to turn you off me.
No, not at all.
He loves you SO much.
You're the only one
who spoke the truth.
You opened my eyes.
And I need your help
to sell my home.
- To What's that?
- You hear me, Ainsley.
I did. I
Just I'm That's
wow, such a huge decision,
and, you know, this is all,
really, it's my fault.
Two doors down,
it's just two bedrooms
with a very ugly garden.
It sold last year for 800,000.
But I'll be guided by your
professional recommendation.
Manju, I am NOT recommending
that you sell your house,
in any way, shape or form.
MANJU: Fine, I can go to
another estate agent.
No, no, no. Um
Don't do that. I'll (SIGHS)
I'll Of course, yeah,
I'll help in any way I can.
If Simon could mow the lawn for
the photos, that would be great.
It's Harpreet's job,
but I've abandoned
all expectations of him.
It's not your fault.
It is so clearly my fault.
LIZ: It does sound like it is.
I promise I will talk her down.
- You can't.
- I can, and I will.
What?
She's bluffing.
There's no way
she'd sell that house.
I think it's a brilliant idea
and you have my full support.
That's very gracious of you, Harpreet.
I don't need your approval.
Come on in.
- What are you doing here?
- I can help with conveyancing.
Sorry.
And the heart of every home.
Mmm, the kitchen is excellent.
You knew, as soon as
you set foot in here,
that this was the house for you.
No, I did not.
I chose this house
because it had many bedrooms
for my grandchildren.
I still had hope then.
Well, imagine how free you'll
be when you move out
and leave all those
painful memories behind.
Shall we move on?
Now, this
is a renovator's dream.
I mean,
if you knocked down that wall,
the whole space
would really open up.
Actually, I think you'll find
that's probably
a load-bearing wall.
Maybe a developer can buy it
and knock the whole house down.
Um, well, I'm afraid this area
isn't zoned
for large developments,
so that will narrow down
your options
in what is, unfortunately,
already quite a soft market.
I'm just
so excited for you, Mum.
I mean, the timing
feels really right, and
You've clearly
thought it through.
Of course I have.
- Where will you go?
- Uh
If I sell quickly, then I'll go
to Geetha's for a short time.
That's a one-bedroom.
The lounge is very large
and sparsely furnished.
Shall we have a look
at the bedrooms?
I don't like the idea of
you sleeping in a loungeroom.
- That's none of your concern.
- Of course it is, Mum!
Look, maybe
Maybe, it's time we looked at
moving you into a nursing home.
Of course.
You're right.
There's no point in
delaying the inevitable.
You are unbelievable!
You'd seriously rather sell
your house than just apologise
to me?
We both know a nursing home
is your worst nightmare.
- Call them now.
- It's not just a phone call.
There are protocols
and waiting lists.
It could take years.
Elizabeth, you were in
a nursing home, weren't you?
Oh, um
I worked in one, yes.
I wasn't an actual resident.
Surely you can
pull some strings.
Well, I can try
The master suite
is beautifully appointed.
Come on. Come.
Come, come, come, come!
Oop! Sorry, mate.
Here we go -
one Adios, Motherfucker.
Correct. Thank you.
Cheers!
Eh?
Cheers.
Oh, cute. Look.
Oh, there you go.
Can you believe
I pulled all of this together
with a kid literally
hanging off me?
Bloody credit to you.
They're hard yakka,
when they're little, eh?
I remember when, um,
little Mia was about three
Ben, I'm gonna
(CLEARS THROAT)
stop you there.
I didn't come for kiddie chat.
Yeah?
I came to get loose.
With you.
- You with me?
- Well, yes and no.
'Cause I have spent
a fucking fortune.
I'm bald as a badger
from nose to toe.
I just I
I don't know how loose I am.
I actually I don't
I don't think I am that loose.
- Are you slut-shaming me?
- No, no, not at all!
I just I want to be upfront
with you, 'cause, um
I'm just not really
available,
um, emotionally.
Who said anything
about emotions?
Mate, you're hot.
I'm hot.
I saw you on the Insta,
I thought,
"Huge chest, massive hands -
do the carpets
match the drapes?"
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) OK
I want to see
what you're working with.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY,
CLEARS THROAT)
Well, the thing is, Mel
- The emotions and the
- Cock.
they normally come as a
package deal with me, so
You know what I mean?
(WHISPERS) Whatever.
I mean
it's weird, but, sure.
I'm gonna need more cocktails.
And a lot of photos.
I haven't looked this hot
since I spat the kid out.
- Yeah?
- All of this needs to be
documented, right now.
'Cause I will look two decades
older within the hour.
I want to do a boomerang.
Can you do a boomerang with me?
- What's a boomerang?
- Alright, ready?
One, two, three.
- (SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Oh, fuck, it didn't work.
- Can I have a look?
- No.
- I went too far.
- You did. It was brutal.
I need you to talk to her. -
You just kept going and going.
OK.
Can you put the fear of God
into her with some of your
parables?
You know, like the old man who
died straining on the toilet.
Or did he die
when he hit the ground?
Well, both.
There were two of them.
- Only two weeks apart, too.
- Well, perfect!
- Can we add a third?
- Well, I just
Your performance
has to be flawless.
Well, that goes without saying.
Look, I'm happy to do it,
and I can,
flawlessly.
But do you want my advice?
You've gotta double-bluff her.
I know it
feels counterintuitive,
but if you back down now,
she's won.
You take her in for a dry run.
One night on the frontline,
and all this goes away.
I can tee it up
with a phone call.
And I guarantee you,
she will not sell the house.
I can get Pat to make that
place feel like an asylum.
Yeah. Make the call.
Now.
- Who wants a drink?
- No, thanks.
So you might want to know that
Ben is currently on a date.
So?
With Mel.
If it's any consolation, I
don't think Ben thinks it's a date.
Well
She's not his type.
I mean
She puts sexy filters
on a toddler, so
I think she's stopped
doing that.
Yeah, well, either way,
it's none of my business.
- I know that.
- So why are you telling me?
That, I don't know.
Can I take a stab at what
broke you guys in the end?
Was it the
overall loss of collagen,
or the perma-rage
No, I cheated on her.
- With a young'un?
- With my ex wife.
It was a very complicated
situation, but
Mmm. Always is.
It was the worst thing I've
ever done to another human being,
and that includes
the things I did in jail.
Was your old man a root-rat?
He was, yeah.
Mine fucked around until he
found a better cook than Mum,
and then dropped us
like hot scones.
It really destroyed Mum,
you know?
She gained 40 kilos
in six weeks.
- Geez.
- Yeah.
And she made me swear that
I would never get fat
or screw around on anyone.
- When you were 11?
- And a never have,
not even once.
But every prick I've ever
been with has cheated on me.
See that
that's just bullshit, mate.
Sometimes I think
it's because I'm so hot
men feel like they don't
deserve me, and so
they sabotage.
Could be that.
Could be that.
Tell you what, Mel,
I've had a really
nice time,
but I should probably
- No, you're not bailing.
- Eh?
Uh-uh. No, no, no -
we're kicking on.
You don't even have to like it,
it's just what's happening.
- I
- End of.
Come on! Come on!
What kind of mate leaves a mate
all alone on the piss
in a top like this?
Uh
- Same again?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Whoo!
- Yeah, just one
I'll have one more beer.
Alright, one more beer,
one more beer, one more beer.
Oh, can I have your credit
card?
Eh?
(DOOR OPENS QUIETLY)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(QUIET FOOTSTEPS)
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Where are you going?
Just going to get some water.
Oh, could you get me some, please?
Ta.
(LIQUID FLOWS)
(LIQUID STOPS)
(LIQUID FLOWS)
(LIQUID STOPS)
(LIQUID FLOWS)
(LIQUID STOPS, TOILET FLUSHES)
(TAP RUNS)
BEN: Hey!
Hey, yourself.
Good night?
Oh, not bad.
Yeah.
Just a few quiet ales.
Couple of quieties, yeah.
Not on your own?
No, no, with a mate.
New mate.
Uh
No. Known 'em for a while.
Hmm.
Uh Yeah
Just had a a feed.
Night.
Yeah, nighty-night, Heath.
See you in the morning.
(BEN MURMURS INDISTINCTLY)
No matter what,
we maintain course.
- What's this?
- My baby clothes.
- Well, should we
put them in the car?
- Just keep walking.
If she gets a whiff of guilt,
it's all over.
Morning.
That's one of two.
Oh. It's heavier than it looks.
The coffee maker is in that one.
It really is just the one night.
That's what they all say
to the feeble-minded,
to get their foot in the door.
I've done my research.
I know what this is.
And I accept my fate.
There's nothing left here
for me now.
Well, let's get this show
on the road, huh?
In you pop.
PAT: We're celebrating
Hawaii this week.
Aloha!
Welcome to our tribe.
We're a colourful,
forgiving bunch.
There's no shame here.
Just this way.
Many of our older residents
have struggled with living alone.
My struggle is with my son.
We're almost too close,
aren't we?
I lived at home till I was
30. - 30?
Harpreet thought
I would reject him
because of
his homosexual lifestyle.
But he's the one
who rejected me.
- That's very common.
- I don't think so.
We've got at least
half a dozen residents
who feel exactly the same way,
on this wing alone.
Oh, you've already got
a conversation starter.
- Jenny, just
- Oh, Lindsey! Hello.
No, don't be scared.
It's me, Liz.
I used to work here.
- Elizabeth.
- Quinn!
- Elizabeth?
- Yes!
How are you?
Can you give me another jelly?
I can try.
Let's keep going.
All the way down the end.
Oh, it's a long walk, is it?
- It's good for the ticker.
- (WOMAN SHOUTS)
(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
Oh, Seema!
They told me you were dead.
It's me. It's Bev.
It's Beverly, from Bingo.
Bev, this is Manju, not Seema.
Unfortunately, Seema
really won't be coming back.
Quinn! Bit of a hand
with Bev, please.
Let's keep moving.
It's a shame we don't
have you on a Tuesday.
We're doing
'taste the world Tuesdays'.
You don't worry about that.
Last week, we went to Italy,
with spaghetti and meatballs.
We've got trivia
and music nights
- Aquarobics.
- Yes, we're persevering.
Still surprisingly popular.
I won't be socialising.
Okie-dokie.
(TRAFFIC ROARS)
(LOUDLY) This is one of
our luxury suites.
Most of the rooms
are a lot smaller.
- And noisier, without a view.
- (ENGINE REVS)
Oh.
You might notice personal items
belonging to one of the, uh,
previous occupants, Ted.
He passed quite suddenly.
Was it last night,
or this morning?
Well, we found him this morning.
- He was ready to go.
- Oh, for a long time, yeah.
(CAR HORN BLARES)
How are you feeling, Mum?
Exhausted.
PAT: Well, you're
in the right place.
Let's pop downstairs
for your medical.
What does that involve?
Quick check of your vitals,
a few blood tests -
all very standard.
Oh I'm not sure
my legs will carry me.
- They don't have to.
- PAT: You genuinely
don't need legs here.
Oh.
Quinn, can you get Sebastian
to change that bed, please?
(WHISPERS) Seema?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Are you OK?
She's not backing down.
Do not underestimate
the agony of the night shift.
I've read that over 90% of
triple-0 calls happen at night.
What if she talks herself into
actually wanting to be here?
HEATHER: Not possible.
One night in this joint,
you'll not only
get your apology,
she'll be a completely
different woman.
- You don't know her like I do.
- I do.
I mean, I don't know her
like you do, but I know her.
And I love her.
But she's bullied you
all your life.
You've never stood up to her
like this.
This is a turning point.
You are doing the right thing.
For both of you.
SIMMO: Kind of like that
lumberjack vibe,
and just chisel in.
You mean like Mr T,
or Wolverine or something?
- Mate, I can't carry it.
- Oh! No, no, no.
Not like a handlebar, but more
like a Poirot type of vibe.
All day long, you could.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hey. How you going?
MEL: I want to throw my kid
in the bin,
but aside from that, yeah.
You?
- Pretty good, yeah. Yeah.
- (BABY SHOUTS)
MEL: Oh, Star! Just
Here's your iPad. Look at that.
- So, what are you up to later?
- Uh, nothing. Why?
Lachlan's old girl dropped
a surprise visit on Star,
and we can't be left alone,
so I get a free pass,
if you want to grab a drink?
Oh, yeah? w-What's your plan?
Wh-what time are you thinking?
- About 8, 8:30?
- Yeah, done.
- Oi! You put that down now!
Little shit!
- (STARLETTE CRIES)
- Look, I gotta go.
- Yeah, alright.
- (HANGS UP)
- So, what, you think?
Hung up.
What?
- Spit it out, mate.
Spit it out!
- Nothing. Nah.
Didn't say anything.
SIMMO: Oh!
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MURMURS) Keys, keys, keys
Ah.
Keys.
HEATHER: Two nights
in a row, eh?
I know, eh?
Like I'm a young fella.
(LAUGHS)
- Same mate?
- Yeah. Yeah.
I should've, um,
said this last night -
I don't know why I didn't -
it's uh, Mel.
As in, Mel-Mel. Lachlan's Mel. Yeah.
I don't know why
I didn't tell you that,
Don't have to tell me anything.
Yeah, I know, but
I wanna.
Yeah
I'm glad you did.
(BEN LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Have fun.
Cheers. You too.
Keep your
wallet in your pocket and don't
let her get behind the wheel.
(BEN LAUGHS)
Yeah. Alright.
I'm not denying that being
attractive opens doors -
of course it does.
It's human nature.
But all I'm saying is that
people don't really talk about
the fact that
it closes just as many.
It's not our fault. It's a
switch that we can't turn off.
And it affects everything.
Like, I'm also an artist.
- I loved art in high school.
- Yeah?
- First time in my life that
- I wanted to work with clay,
but, like, no matter
how technically brilliant
my pieces were,
as soon as I stood next to
them, they just
disappeared.
It's really hurtful.
How old's your daughter?
Uh, she'll be, um
She's 17 in a couple of months.
Mmm.
She know what
she wants to be yet?
Well, it changes
every half an hour,
but it's always
something creative.
What did you want to be
when you were her age?
Eh? Me, I wanted to be a
I wanted to play footy,
with the big boys.
- Mm-hm. Were you any good?
- Nah.
- Oh, you were.
- No.
You're built like
a brick shithouse.
Where were you, halfback?
Fullback?
Halfback.
Who do you barrack for?
St Kilda.
You a member?
30 years, yeah.
Fuck off!
For real?
BEN: So how old
does that make you?
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
(TRAFFIC PASSES,
TRAM BELL DINGS)
(SIREN WAILS)
WOMAN: Herb,
that's not your room.
- MAN: No? I'm j
- WOMAN: Come on.
- We're this way.
- Don't touch me!
WOMAN: How did you
get out of bed?
(MAN CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(DOOR CLOSES) - BEN: No,
favourite's too hard.
I'll give you a top three,
or nothing.
Yeah. Winmar, Hayes, Frawley.
Yeah, I still miss him,
of course I do. He's a legend.
Who've you got?
Yeah? Yeah, no,
I'll give you that -
Harves and Rooey,
but Steeley's
Nah, Mel, it's too early
to make a call on him.
(LAUGHS)
I don't care if I do sound gay.
I don't care if I do.
I just don't think
he's that hot. But I'm
No, I'm listening to you, I
just can't find my bloody charger.
Harry borrows it every frigging
night and doesn't put it back.
Now I've got
Oh, there it is.
No, I've got this dodgy one
that doesn't work
unless you jiggle it.
Well, I don't want to jiggle
it, I want to go to bed.
What were you saying before
about Lyon, though?
You c
You can't hang a bloke out to
dry for that,
unless you're gonna do it
for everyone
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Try eating something.
- What if she doesn't call?
- She will.
Pat needs the bed back
this arvo.
She won't muck around.
(PHONE RINGS)
It's Dawes Court.
There you go, you've done it.
Well, I did it.
Harry Sethi speaking.
PAT: Harry, it's Pat
from Dawes Court.
Good morning, Pat.
Thank you so much for calling.
I I won't lie,
it's been a very long night.
I'm sorry to hear that.
HARRY: No, don't be. How is
she?
I'm assuming
she asked you to call.
PAT: No. She didn't.
I'm afraid there's
some cause for concern
in your mother's
medical results.
HARRY: What kind of concern?
There are some anomalies
in her bloods,
and our GP would like to
refer her to an oncologist
for further tests
as soon as possible.
If we can get her in
tomorrow morning,
that would be ideal.
I see. Um
Does she know?
PAT: No, I thought
I'd reach out to you first.
Would you like me
to tell her now?
No. Uh
Thank you.
But no, I'll, um, I'll come in.
I think she'd prefer to
hear it from me.
Of course.
I'm so sorry, Harry.
Thank you.
Um
They found cancer.
Oh, fuck.
(DOOR OPENS)
(STUART SIGHS)
LIZ: (WHISPERS) Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I can't believe you're here.
Me either.
How was the flight?
Yeah, yeah, great.
I slept like a baby.
- Um, do you need a hand
- No, no, I've got it.
You look great.
Y-yeah. So So do you.
Um
All I
really want to know is
are you in love
with someone else?
No. God, no. Absolutely not.
Right. So, what, you're just
having
emotionally-detached sex
for the first time
in your life, then?
You know I'm not
capable of that.
Then what?
I I can explain.
I just need you to understand
the the context.
- OK?
- Context. OK. Well, I'll try.
OK
Um
You know that I've
been going through
some kind of
reckoning, um, just
questioning myself
and who I am and
and what I want.
(SIGHS) Um,
what you don't know is that
Harry and I were
basically at war, and I was
totally adrift.
And then when
Geri came to stay
and he started talking
about having a baby with her,
it just set off
some kind of panic in me,
and I just couldn't see
which way was up,
and all I could think about
was myself and what I wanted.
And I was just
terrified of
losing Harry's friendship
and Geri's, and I
I was just profoundly lost
and confused.
- Sorry. C
- And I
I really want to hear
all of this -
don't think I don't. It
Are you saying that
There's no other guy?
Um, no, definitely
not another guy.
Hang on, then why did Harry
lead me to believe that
there was someone else?
I I
I don't think that
he would have meant
Oh, no, he definitely knew
what he was doing.
Well, I'm sorry.
That is out of line.
- Yes! Yes, it was out of line!
- Yeah.
- I mean, you poor thing!
- I was confused!
I didn't know - You must
have been thinking
- Of course
- Oh, darling.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling well.
And how was your night?
Oh, I'm adjusting.
I'm sure, in time,
I'll be very happy here.
You can sit in the chair.
Mum, I'm so sorry.
Last night was horrible for me,
and I know
it was much worse for you.
And I'm begging you to
please let me take you home.
This is where I belong now.
No, it's not.
I've found my place here.
I know you feel let-down, mum.
In so many ways.
Mum
Um
They found some abnormalities
in your blood.
And, um (CLEARS THROAT)
It looks like
we're going to need to
get you to an oncologist.
Probably tomorrow morning.
I'm not seeing
your father's oncologist.
Horrible little man.
You'll find me someone else.
Next time on Five Bedrooms
LIZ: Manju's gonna need
a lot of care.
I think that
she should move in here.
Why are we here?
Take me home!
What happened with Stuart?
He wasn't ready, so I lied.
So he thinks
I deliberately misled him?
HEATHER: OK, alright. Now
She's not stretching far enough.
Why are you even here?