Footballers' Wives (2002) s04e01 Episode Script

Let's face it, when it comes to men, I haven't always picked a winner.
I, Tanya Louise Turner, do take thee, Francis Michael Laslett, to be my lawful wedded husband.
But if you've made a mistake, it's best to face up to it.
(Groaning) So when Mr Right comes along, there are no complications.
Well, maybe one complication.
- It wasn't me! - Dirty slag! Okay, two complications.
Amber she's pregnant.
Eh? Still life is full of surprises.
Sadly, what the good Lord giveth, he can taketh away.
Latex is so fragile.
And you were always so vigorous.
So where does this leave little old me? Do I get rid and risk losing the love of my life? Or do I sit back and pray that Conrad's the father? Since when did I ever leave anything to chance? Krishna.
Krishna? Just get it off! Come to mummy, babe.
Come on.
If I catch anything from that filthy little mutt, I'll hold you personally responsible.
He's more likely to catch something from you.
He's purebred.
Inbred more like.
He's bloody retarded.
- You wouldn't be smoking if Conrad was here.
- I'll do what I like in my house.
- Your house? - It certainly isn't yours, love.
You're only here till you have that.
Conrad hasn't married you yet.
Well, at least he hasn't divorced me.
Just you carry on, sweetheart.
You won't look so smug once that's had a paternity test.
Oh, dream on, Amber.
Conrad knows it's his.
Limo's due at 1:00 if you're hoping for a lift to lunch.
A lift? Who the hell do you think you are? Tanya Turner, sweetheart.
Conrad's girlfriend and mother of his unborn son and heir.
So what's this, then? Just another ligger.
- How much? - Just a token.
This is your bonus, lads.
If anyone's playing with me, it's strictly just for beers, all right? Cadettes on me.
Oh, Christ.
If you knew the trouble I had persuading your wives you deserved a jolly.
Hey, we got you the goals, Boss.
Four days of R'n'R.
You promised.
Besides, who do you want handling your wood? A 14-year-old Spanish lad or one of them? How's it feel being a black gay man in the world of football? No comment.
- Noah, how do you feel? - No comment.
- How's your boyfriend feel? - I haven't got a boyfriend.
We're absolutely delighted that justice has been done.
Those thugs have been convicted of ABH.
And Noah's courage, coming out as a gay man in the sexually conservative world of football, should be applauded.
Thank you.
(Reporters clamouring) Noah.
Noah! Well, that's it.
Over.
Let's just get on with playing the game.
- That's all I ever wanted to do.
- And very good at it you are, too.
How can you be so calm? That was our own fans slinging shit at me in there.
They're scum.
You're out now, Noah.
Look, we spin it, make you this year's gay rights poster boy and you'll have more fans than you ever dreamed of.
I don't want to be a poster boy.
You're the one who said I should keep it to myself.
That was a long time ago, sweetheart, before you knobbed a rent boy in front of the News of the World.
Drop me off in Kensington, will you? I'm late.
And I suggest you go home, call your agent, and see how many interviews you've already got rolling in.
It ain't all bad, Noah.
That pink pound is gonna look mighty good on your bank balance.
It's you and Fry, me and the big man.
Girls, if you would, - the one, the only - I'll toss.
- It's what you're best at.
Tequila handicap.
Heads.
Sorry, mate.
(Mobile ringing) Tanya.
Oh, Amber.
Gracias.
- Don't worry.
I'm English.
- Nice one.
- So what's your name, then? - Barbarella.
While I'm working anyway.
Look, I'm a big fan, Harley, so anything I can do, just ask.
I can think of a few things.
You've got your own cadette looking after you today.
Oi, Gloria.
You ever heard of etiquette on the green? Tell her to smoke outside.
Look, Amber, I can't discuss it now.
I'll have a word, yeah? Sorry, mate.
Pregnant women.
- Hormones and all that.
- Been there and back.
But my wife wouldn't dare bother me when I'm relaxing.
So we're on? Top man.
The day is young.
HARLEY: Come on, grandads.
Glad I'm on your team.
That makes one of us.
Jesus, look, nothing happened between me and Shannon.
God, you know what the shitting papers are like.
So they faked a picture of you with your tongue down me wife's throat, did they? I was pissed.
And she was rat-arsed.
She'd have had to be.
- Have you seen her lately? - No.
Don't let a stupid piece of nothing ruin your marriage, Harley.
Please, mate.
I feel really shit about it.
You know what mate? It's really none of your business.
That's good.
Straight into the lens.
Wonderful.
Great, great and again.
Nice, big smile.
Good.
Wonderful.
Right, now let's have one with the bakers.
Please, gentlemen.
(Mobile ringing) Hi, Jackie.
I'm just working like.
No, seriously.
I'm not coming.
I can't face the likes of Tanya and Amber going on about Harley.
Yeah, well, she might be divorced but she's still living with him.
She's only having his bloody baby.
Yeah.
Thanks anyway, Jacks, but, I'm not up for it.
Honest.
I'm coming.
Oh, sweetness.
- Front nine's ours.
- Kaching! - We're history.
- We're having a laugh, for Christ's sake.
The kid needs to realise he's not on the pitch right now.
I mean, who's he showing off to? It's a game.
We should just clean up, to be honest.
I'm getting hungry.
- How's the restaurant going? - Yeah, good.
A few more meetings with the investors and we're up and running.
It's more of a private members' club, though.
You know, exclusive.
Sign me and Tanya up for sure.
It'll be cool to go somewhere where we're not mobbed.
Yeah, that's the point.
That's my thinking behind it.
Makes me think I should set up some sort of retirement plan.
Who said anything about retiring? I just have other interests I want to pursue.
I mean, it's just a smart move.
Thinking ahead, the way Tanya and Amber spend it (Women chattering) - Is she coming, then? - No.
She chickened out, love.
Oh, that's a shame.
She was really sweet to me when I first arrived.
I reckon she could use some cheering up and all.
Still, you got us, and we're just glad to see you out and about for once.
Well, it's difficult with Angelica.
No offence, but Bruno doesn't go in for nannies.
I feel guilty even calling a sitter.
Well, Bruno isn't here today.
He's doing boy's own with the rest of them.
- So you can let your hair down.
It's our turn.
- I'll drink to that.
- Is there alcohol in this? - Just a little cognac, madam.
Are you trying to poison me or what? I'm eight-and-a-half months bleeding gone.
Just get me some fruit, will you? All right, ladies.
Listen up.
- When Webbsie - ALL: Boo! When Webbsie told the boys they could stay in Spain for a bonding session after all their hard work - Bonding, my arse.
- Hard work, my arse.
They kick a ball about, H.
That sound hard to you, girls? When Webbsie let them off the leash, without consulting their better halves, he knew not what he'd done.
(All laughing) And he didn't have to stay in London and listen to the complaints.
But then, he's a bloke.
Luckily for you lot, I ain't.
So I reckoned the wives needed a little bonding session of their own.
Yeah! With a bit of shopping thrown in.
Yeah! So I suggest you charge your glasses and start spending hubby's bonus.
- You did it! - Well done, mate.
Thank Christ for that.
Now we can have some real fun.
Here you are, mate.
Booby prize.
You get to take one of the winner.
Only one booby prize I'm interested in.
It's absolutely beautiful.
I'll take it.
There's no price on it.
Aren't you even going to ask how much? Conrad can afford it.
And so can Bruno.
Try it on.
I'd have to sell a kidney to spend that much on myself.
Especially after last time I went shopping.
Bruno did his nut, bless him.
Do you know how much Bruno and the lads are spending out in Spain? They're living it up.
And you heard what Hazel said.
It's our turn.
Anyway, Bruno likes to buy jewellery for me himself.
He's dead romantic that way.
Final trimester.
I only have the odd one.
Of course.
It's a tough nine months.
How's Kyle? Still in Sydney.
Still trying to find himself.
Still retired.
At least he's paid off his debts now, though.
What a bloody waste.
I miss him.
Yeah.
Me, too.
- You all right? - Yeah, it's just a twinge.
Been getting them a lot lately.
A bit previous, aren't you, Amber? And if you're going to spend my money, the least you can do is ask first.
Now you are really beginning to get on my wick.
Off to make another phone call to the police, are we? I wouldn't bother, love.
I keep an eye on it these days.
You keep spouting that shit and I'll sue you for slander.
Make my day.
One more treat in store, ladies.
Enrique here has donated a very special piece as a gift for the lucky girl who can find it.
Our own little treasure hunt.
What's going on now? Do I have to spell it out? It's buried treasure, and she who dares, wins.
Have I got radar or what? I cannot believe that that was on his doo-dah.
What a strapping lad! Oh, God! - Somebody call an ambulance.
- I'll phone Conrad.
About bloody time.
Right, we're on.
I'll meet you at the hospital.
(Whistling) Girls! Girls, over here! Class.
Just waiting for the anaesthetist and the scrub nurse and then we can get started.
Well, tell them to hurry up, it's a bloody emergency.
Next month doesn't suit.
I can't stress enough that you are jeopardising the safety of your baby for your schedule.
And what self-respecting surgeon would allow that? Anyway, I thought I was paying you not to ask any questions.
I'm unhappy about it as a professional.
Well, I'm sure a holiday in the Caribbean will cheer you up.
Listen, I've signed the consent so just get over yourself, okay? You change and I'll round the team up.
Where's my bloody midwife? She's busy with your With Miss Gates at the moment.
Well, it may have escaped Miss Gates' mind, but Conrad hired that woman for the both of us.
And I want her here before you start cutting, okay? Hey, lads! Lads! Let's take the party back to my villa.
(Screaming) Hello, Amber.
How are we coming along? - What do you effing think? - I see.
Well, you're seven centimetres so not long to go now, - isn't that right, Miss - Dunkley.
Janette Dunkley.
Okay, Janette.
Well, you're in charge.
I'll be around if you need me, but it looks like she's in safe hands.
Course she is.
Ladies and gentlemen, everything's on the house.
Or, as they say in Spain, mi casa es su casa.
Get a load of this place.
It's absolutely knockout.
- How much did it cost? - What, this? It's pocket money to Conrad, innit? He's minted.
I bet you don't do too bad for yourself, either.
You're not one of them gold diggers, are you? I'll see you later.
Yeah? That'll take about 20 minutes to kick in.
Hello, Mrs T.
How are you? Peachy.
Give us a minute, will you? - Well? - A couple of hours maybe.
How many tablets did you give her? Well, only what you said would do the trick.
But if that baby pops out looking like Gandhi, I have had it.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
And I'll be there to help, won't I? As always.
You're the highest paid nurse in history, Dunkley.
And I'm sure you don't want your past rearing its seven very ugly heads.
So you just keep sucking up to her.
Let her think you're her best friend.
She already does.
She's asking for Conrad.
Oh, God, well tell her he's on the plane.
I don't want her calling him.
The longer he stays away, the better.
Mrs Turner says she'd like a bit of music for the delivery.
Calm her down a bit.
I'm just going to check on Miss Amber.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
She says Conrad's on his way.
I can't believe she's having a caesarean now.
- She knows I'm in labour.
- The little one's in distress.
Well, so would you be if you were her baby.
(Screaming) That's it.
Good girl.
Hold it back.
Fine.
Ticking along nicely.
She's trying to steal you away from me, I know it.
Nobody's stealing anyone, my love.
She was always going for a caesarean, wasn't she? Not an earth mother like my Miss Amber.
She hasn't got the bottle.
Well, it's just as well 'cause it'll be quick and I'll still have all the time in the world for you.
You promise me, Janette? I don't want no stranger delivering my baby.
Of course I promise.
Sorry, mate.
(Baby crying) Here we are.
Come on, little fellow.
Say hello to your mummy.
You're lucky he's so big.
He won't mind being interrupted so early.
Ten fingers and ten toes.
Come on, sweetheart.
- Do you want to hold him? - No.
Not till he's been cleaned up, you know.
I'll take him to the special care unit.
Make sure he's all there.
Right, let's sew you up.
Nice one.
Stick to hamburger, mate.
I'm more of a steak man.
Twat.
Come on.
Hiya, Harley.
Barbarella, isn't it? You are a very, very attractive girl.
Why, thank you.
This is my friend Darius.
We've met.
We couldn't decide who fancied you more.
So we were hoping we could share.
I reckon there's enough to go around if you're not too greedy.
You're on, my son.
(Groaning) Here he is.
My little boy.
Let me check him over.
I'm going to need to take him to the special care unit now.
What's wrong? He's early, love.
It's just to be safe.
Is there something wrong with my baby? Let's just take it one step at a time.
No, no.
I don't want to.
That's not what you said an hour ago.
No! Oh, no! No! You can't go until you've met the skipper.
No, I'll attend to him.
As you'll see on the charts, I'm Mrs Turner's personal midwife.
She's very particular.
You all right? Hey, where you going? - You okay? - Get off me! - What's the matter? - Like you don't know.
(Mobile ringing) Hello? Tanya.
Hi, sweetheart.
What message? I called your mobile yesterday.
Don't tell me you didn't get it.
Oh, Conrad, I think you'd better sit down.
You've got two baby boys.
And I can tell you now, at least one of them is absolutely beautiful.
Janette, he's gorgeous.
Isn't he just? - And he's really all right? - Fighting fit.
Still, we won't take any chances.
I'll be keeping a close eye on him.
Thank you.
Thanks for everything.
I just can't believe I'm holding him.
I wish Conrad was here.
He's just spoken to Tanya actually.
He wants you to call him as soon as you can.
Call him? Where the hell is he? Hurry up, will you? Shit.
Give it a rest.
Do you know what my head feels like? I know what it's going to feel like if we miss that plane.
I'm a bloody father! Hey, well done, man.
Congratulations, mate.
Well, let's see how made up you are after a month of sleepless nights.
Two boys, Bruno.
My boys.
I'm happy with my girl.
Apple of her daddy's eye.
But yeah, well done, man.
Right, lads.
All off.
- What? - I said get off the coach.
(All groaning) You left Conrad a message on his phone.
You told me you spoke to him.
No.
I said he was on his way back.
And I thought he was, but then I spoke to him this morning and now he is on his way.
Well, I spoke to him, too.
And let me tell you, he is well pissed off that he wasn't here for me.
For us, I think you'll find.
Come on, then, Amber.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Go on, then.
He's Tanya all over, isn't he? Look at that chin.
Whereas I reckon little Pundarik here is his dad in a nutshell.
That's 'cause Conrad is his dad.
I doubt even Tanya here knows who this one's father is.
Do you know, you really are a piece of work.
Surely you can understand how difficult this must be for Miss Amber.
I'd back off if I were you, Janette, or I'll have you sacked.
Over my dead body you will.
She's coming home with me whether you like it or not.
Pundarik and I need her.
Don't we? Pundarik, is it? Yeah.
It's Hindi for white in colour.
'Cause he's pale-skinned like me.
We're from good stock.
'Cause he's got a white dad more like.
Sounds a bit racialist to me.
Oh, please, Tanya.
- It's a very respected name actually.
- Of course it is, my love.
Let's have a look, then? He's lovely, Amber.
He's gorgeous.
Seriously.
Does look like Conrad, doesn't he? So what are you calling yours, then? Well, I thought I'd ask Conrad first, but I like Troy.
Oh, I got you both together.
Oh, they're beautiful.
Both of them.
Well done, girls.
I still can't believe they came at the same time.
Wanted to be together, I suppose.
Little brothers.
We'll see about that.
You couldn't leave us alone for a bit, could you, love? Of course.
Let all you mums have some bonding time.
Listen, girls, there's something I've got to tell you both.
Conrad is still in Spain.
What? His flight was supposed to be at 9:00.
Yeah, well, Roger called.
There's been a bit of a problem.
Well, okay.
I'll let you know when I hear.
Thank you, Julio.
- Listen, Boss, I really need to - No! You listen to me.
Sit down.
Some girl you were partying with last night claims she's been sexually assaulted with penetration.
That's rape where I come from.
What about you? Look, we had a party, Boss.
But nobody raped anybody.
It's shit! - Yeah.
- It better be shit, my son.
Believe you me.
Who's the girl? I don't know yet.
But according to her, one of you lot does.
Jesus, this is bollocks! I've never treated a lady with anything but respect.
Shut it, Milligan! Now you lot better think long and hard about what happened last night because you're gonna be questioned individually by the Spanish police and nobody's going nowhere until they're happy.
- I want to see my lawyer.
- Need one, do you? Now Julio out there will be sitting in with you.
But nobody gets any help till after you've been interviewed.
Okay, we've got to stick together.
That's all.
Stick together over what? I never raped no one.
Look, we were all getting some, right? - You, too.
That Spanish girl.
- Yeah.
I snogged her, that's all.
Wasn't me in and out of bedrooms all night, was it? - What are you trying to say? - Oi! Pack it in.
You heard what Webbsie said.
We've got to get our stories straight.
- I've got no story to get straight.
- Nor me.
No, I mean, be clear about what happened.
There was fun going on.
So what? The girls back home might get a bit effed off.
But it wasn't rape.
And I certainly didn't see anyone get raped.
How about the rest of you? - No.
- Course not.
I didn't see anything either.
Right.
Good.
We've got nothing to worry about then.
It's just some bint trying to jump on last year's bandwagon.
So let's just get on with it, keep it simple, and get back home so I can see my babies.
I told you it was too soon before the match.
Jesus! You were supposed to be keeping an eye on them.
I wasn't going to stay up all night drinking with that lot.
Well, you shitting should have.
They are lads.
You know what they get up to.
It's better they get it out of their systems when I'm not there.
At least I can face their wives with a flipping clear conscience.
Well, face them now, Webbsie, 'cause one of them is married to a rapist.
Bollocks! Listen, the lawyer got me a copy of her statement.
She admits she agreed to have sex with three of them before she was supposedly attacked.
So why would she bother crying rape? She's got no case, H.
She's just a slag on the make.
She's got internal bruising, bloody knickers, the lot.
Yeah, well, so would you have if you'd had it off with half the flipping squad.
The Spanish brief is confident the magistrate will just chuck it out.
Yeah, well, I ain't taking any chances.
NEWSCASTER: (On radio) Update on the Spanish rape allegation.
The footballers themselves, who include team captain Conrad Gates and rising star Harley Lawson, are still being held by the Spanish authorities.
No, no, no, please.
I have a statement.
If you'd keep If you quieten down, I'll read the statement, please.
Obviously, I can't say too much now due to the ongoing investigation of the Spanish authorities.
But a very serious allegation has been made and the club is treating it as such.
Rest assured we will be conducting our own internal investigation.
I have spoken to the players who vehemently deny that any assault took place.
Go and watch telly in your room, Angelica.
Mummy's busy.
I told Roger they should've just come home.
Bruno says it's a wind-up.
He reckons the girl might even be a plant from United.
Well, they'll do anything to get advantage for the game next Sunday.
Yeah, well, there might not be a game next Sunday at this rate.
Of course there will, love.
Roger's seen her statement and it's like Bruno said, she made it up.
It didn't happen.
What, so you think you can just buy me off? Do yourself a favour, love.
This story don't add up.
It's not a story.
I was held down and raped.
I was frightened.
I was really frightened and it hurt.
And what does your legal reckon? Open and shut case? - They know I'm telling the truth.
- Sure.
Nice girl like you, Barbarella.
Travelling around Europe on your own.
Part-time tequila girl, club dancer, and you shagged at least three of them with consent.
Wake up, kid.
Most you'll make is a few quid out of a paper or two when they throw it out of court.
I told you I'm not interested in money.
Of course you are, we all are.
There's more there than any newspaper will pay you.
Well, if you think I wasn't raped, why would you give me money? I ain't saying nothing happened, love.
It's obvious you're really upset.
But I need my boys home in time to do their jobs and you ain't got a leg to stand on.
One phone call, you could save me a bit of hassle and put a stop to something that's going to make you look like a lying slag.
But for what it's worth, I'm not lying.
Are you saying I am? Look, right or wrong, you don't muck about with a bunch of pissed alpha males.
You and I both know it will never stand up in court.
So be realistic.
You want your lifestyle on show for all the pig hacks in the world to have a go at? Or do you wanna get on and get over it? What kept you? Just ingratiating myself with Miss Amber.
Like you said.
Good.
Get me some more morphine, will you? Not for another couple of hours.
I've got a high tolerance, trust me.
- We've got your milk to think about, Mrs T.
- Are you serious? I'm not having Amber's baby hanging off my tit.
I thought, to make it look authentic.
It'll look authentic as long as he stays nice and pale and I've got a voddy and tonic in my hand.
Speaking of which, if you can't get me any more painkiller I'll see what I can do.
Spit of his father, isn't he? Yeah, well, I just hope little Poppadum, whatever she's called it, don't start looking like his, much as you may have found him attractive.
Amber might start asking questions if she's singing a lullaby to some big, fat bloaty with a Brummie accent.
(Phone ringing) Hello? Conrad.
Oh, sweetheart.
Thank Christ for that.
Sod the vodka and tonic.
Get me some champagne.
Hazel, we just wanted to say thank you for all your support and getting it over so quick.
And for believing in us.
You don't want to know what I believe, you bunch of lowlife shitheads.
I saw that girl, right.
One of you is a sick bastard.
The rest of you are pathetic cowards for keeping it schtum.
- Hold on.
- There's nothing to keep schtum about.
If I had seen anything, I'd have said.
If that's what you think, then why did you defend us? Because I ain't gonna get shafted as well as that poor bitch.
And she'd have been torn apart by the press for believing she'd still got the right to say no.
So you smile for the cameras when you get home and I'll try to mop up what's left of your stinking reputations.
But one day, when you are no good at kicking balls anymore, I hope your own shrivel up with shame and drop off.
And you were worried about having a poof on the team.
You make me sick.
The lot of you.
What do you lot think this is, a bloody party? Put those drinks down and get on the coach.
Ain't you got no bleeding brains? We've got to face the press when we get to the airport.
Now come on.
WOMAN: Are you going to be taking any action against the girl? No comment.
- Hello, gorgeous.
- Conrad.
Oh, Jesus.
Sorry, baby.
Here.
Sit down.
What do you think? I know.
I needed to look you in the eye.
Everyone says he looks like you.
Just looks like a baby to me, but I'm a bloke, aren't I? I'm so proud of you, Amber.
I just wish you could've been here, Conrad.
We've all been really worried.
I could kill that girl.
- What did she want? Was it money? - I don't know.
I just want to forget about the stupid cow and be with my family.
He's bigger than Troy.
You saw her one first? Don't start.
I'm the happiest man alive at the moment.
And I love them both.
And what about me? I'll always love you, Amber, for being the mother of my boy.
I was thinking Pundarik.
It's Hindi.
We can call him Ricky for short.
Ricky and Troy.
Look, Conrad, you say their names like you really believe they're both yours.
Don't start that again.
- But wouldn't you like to be sure? - I am sure.
Much as you might not want Tanya to have my baby, she has.
And Ricky's got a brother.
That's something to celebrate as far as I'm concerned.
You look really good.
I've been through hell the last couple of days.
Papers phoning, all the shit on the news.
I know.
I'm really sorry, I should have phoned you.
- Tell me you never raped anyone - Of course I never.
For Christ's sake, you still know me, don't you? - I'm sorry.
Of course I know you.
It's just that - Listen.
Some girl got pissed and shagged a couple of lads at the party.
Not me, right? Anyway, she made up a story and went to the police and when she sobered up, she remembered saying yeah.
And what were you doing at this party, eh? Chatting to your mates? I kissed a girl.
It was nothing.
Oh, don't give me that, Shannon, we're separated.
And you ask yourself why.
- I don't even remember kissing Darius.
- Yeah, well, I do.
And I've got a picture of it up here 24/7.
Yeah? And you've just given me one to carry around and all? Can't we call it quits? I don't want anyone else, Harley.
I never did.
I just miss you, love and I can't stand it.
It's not that simple, though, is it? Why can't it be? Because whatever you think, Shan, you've changed.
Everything has changed and I hate it.
Well, that's that, then.
What are you gonna do? Well, I'm not going back home if that's what you mean.
I couldn't.
I'm a London girl now and I've got to earn my living.
I may have changed, Harley, but so have you.
And no wonder, look what's happened to us in the past year, eh? But at least I can learn from my mistakes.
And the biggest one I ever made was taking you for granted.
I'm sorry, Shannon.
Look, just hang in there, babes, okay? Yeah, maybe we could meet for lunch in town soon or you could come over.
Maybe you could help me take Angelica for a ride on her pony or something.
Go and sit in the den, sweetheart.
Daddy's brought some presents from Spain.
Yeah, listen, I better go.
But I'll speak to you later, okay? Okay.
Shannon.
She's a bit upset.
- Where were you while I was in Malaga? - What? The speedo doesn't add up with the book.
You got 60 miles missing.
Where you been? I don't know.
Lunch with the girls in Kensington, my mum's, I took Angelica to Brent Cross.
- You know I'm shit at maths.
- Oh, swearing now, with Angelica in the house.
What's worrying you, Lucy? - Don't be a bloody idiot, Bruno.
- Don't make me look like one then.
I haven't.
When have I ever? I need to know I can trust you while I'm away.
You can.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
It's just hard being all over the place.
You don't want me calling to check up on you or whatever.
Yeah, and you don't want me calling you, know what I mean? Just fill it in when you go somewhere.
My accountant likes it all in order.
Right.
OPERATOR: Telephone number 0770090167 Well, here we are and it's match day at Earls Park and the mood at the ground is tense to say the least.
It's Sparks' first game since they returned from Spain so I'm sure the team and management are eager to put the incident behind them.
Remember, you kicked arse last week and whatever has happened since then, you can do it again this week.
In fact, I insist.
Let's face it, lads, you've got a lot to make up for.
Well, doesn't include you, Wendy, of course.
Keep your hair on.
But the rest of you want to prove to me that you're not just a pisshead tossers.
Well, now is your chance.
- What're you looking at? - I wasn't.
Jesus! Oi! Oi! Calm down.
You have all given the United fans a lot of ammunition.
And now I am including you.
This is our park so let's make it our game.
And, you, do it for your kids.
Go on, lads.
You heard the boss.
Shut your ears to the crowd and listen to each other.
- Let's give them a doing out there, yeah? - Yeah! Well, it's full time, Mike, and it's actually a crushing defeat for Earls Park.
I mean, no surprise really after the clouds surrounding their return from Spain.
MIKE: The thing is, at this level you just can't afford to lose at home and I think Roger Webb's more than aware of that.
PAUL: How much do you think that's got to do with the new signing Milligan? Oh, God, do you have to do that here? At least I can be bothered to feed my own baby.
You haven't got a belly full of stitches.
I can hardly hold him.
I think the club's got to control the fans.
Yeah, well that's down to the management surely.
(Voice of Laslett) I was beginning to think you'd never fall but latex is so fragile.
And you were always so vigorous.
Oh, Jesus! You all right, Mrs T? No, I think it's my tummy.
I'm gonna have to have a lie down.
Quelle surprise.
Another nap for Tanya.
FANS: (Chanting on TV) Where's your husband? Where's your husband? REPORTER: The United fans are not intending to let Sparks supporters Hypocrites.
It'd be their bloody wives and girlfriends throwing themselves at the lads given half a chance.
It's no place for kids.
I'm glad I didn't bring Angelica.
Sometimes the lads like to see their kids here, though.
You've got to learn to ignore it, love.
I know.
For the boys, right? That's what we get paid for.
What do you want me to say, eh? - I'll lynch them in training next week.
- Three bloody nil.
At home.
Should have been a walkover, and the gate was down.
What do you expect? The bollocking you gave them over in Spain.
If the chair doesn't even believe in them Yeah, well, we need some decent press, that's for sure.
Something wholesome.
- Not now, Jackie.
- Right.
I'll see you back home then.
Have you got any ideas? It's easier for you, mate.
You weren't even in Spain.
No, I just have to put up with the rest of it.
How would you like half a stadium shouting "fudgepacker" at you? Well, at least that's true.
I mean, you don't get guys going around saying you raped them.
- Not all bad being a bender, eh? - I'm sick of it.
So what do you do? I don't know.
Just ignore it, I suppose.
No, I mean, what do you do sex-wise? - Are you shitting me, man? - No, seriously.
I am interested.
Not because I'm, you know, but They never taught that at school.
I mean, they know about the up the (Whistles) But do you actually kiss? You know, like it's a girl? - I don't believe I'm hearing this.
- What did I say? Oh, put some TCP on it, Nadine.
You don't want to go spending money on doctors for something like that, do you? It's personal, innit? Sorry, love.
I'm gonna have to go.
I think Paddy's just filled his pants.
I can smell it from here.
Yeah.
All right, love, bye.
What? I just needed a cuddle.
Really? I thought all you needed was the team.
Oh, come on, Jacks.
I've had a really shit day, all right.
We lost.
- I don't need you getting the hump and all.
- I know we lost.
I'm the one calming everyone down because of your harebrained decision - to let the monkeys loose in Malaga.
- Oh, Jesus wept.
I'm serious, Roger.
I spend most of my time making sure the girls are feeling included and that the lads know where they can come when they need to.
I mean, I did it for Kyle because he's my son but at least I got something back.
Oh, yeah? And what was that? A black eye and a postcard from Australia? I know he loves me.
Oh, Jackie, who was it who got Kyle off the hook with the police? Who was it who sorted out all his debts at the bank and moved you in here when he lost the house? I bloody love you.
No, you don't.
You don't even know I'm here.
You don't want a girlfriend, Roger.
You want a personal assistant.
Except she'd be paid a wage.
Not made to feel like a flipping charity case.
He's fine.
Just hungry.
I know.
I just love him so much.
I can actually feel it here when he's crying.
Janette I wanna ask you something but I need to know that I can trust you.
- Don't you know that already? - Well, yeah, of course I do.
It's You know what it's like for me here.
That was my husband, this is our baby.
It must be very hard for you.
And you know what Tanya's like.
What do you need for a DNA test? Swab from inside the cheek, a bit of hair.
Do you know what I'm asking you to do? I've got a few contacts.
I wouldn't expect you to do it for nothing.
I'll give you a big bonus.
You see, she'll never treat me like you do, Miss Amber.
Well, I can get some hair from Conrad, but she's not going to let me close to Troy.
You leave that to me.
Hello.
Hello.
You're right.
I don't want a girlfriend and I've already got a PA.
I want a wife.
What? What's the matter? Like you don't know.
Like you don't know.
Like you don't know.
(Echoing) Like you don't know Like you don't know.
We've both been there before so we thought we'd do it quiet, you know, maybe have a little garden party or something afterwards.
- Oh, I see you went for small and elegant.
- Roger chose it.
Well, I'm glad Webbsie's finally pulled his finger out and his timing is immaculate, if I may say so.
We're not getting married for the publicity, H.
No, of course not.
But it can't hurt my little campaign.
Sparks and football equal family values.
What about you and Conrad, then? He's divorced now.
Isn't it time you tied the knot and all? We're working on it.
But I want Amber out of the house first.
Conrad wants to let her settle into motherhood for a while.
God, I tell you, she's so bloody unstable.
Great, that's it.
Lovely.
Big smiles, then.
Got a touch of the old tarbrush in you, Tan? Sorry? Thanks.
Cheers, love.
Got a nice little suntan your boy.
Bloody Janette.
Told her to use total blockout.
As long as he doesn't burn, Tanya, a bit of sun is good for him.
Ain't it, gorgeous? (Press clamouring) PHOTOGRAPHER: Come on.
Okay, let's line up for some individual shots.
Bruno, Bruno, pick her up.
Pick her up.
That's it.
Good.
Big smile.
It's not what I think.
It's what the parents might think.
Well, he's a known homosexual.
Since when did a homosexual equal kiddie fiddler? You gonna ask any of the others not to grope the little girls? Jesus! - I'm only trying to pre-empt - Pre-empt your job, arsehole, because he's helping out with the rest of them.
And after this, you're sacked.
Bit of lemon juice on his skin.
It's a natural bleach.
Sod that.
I bought some stuff for fading blemishes.
I've used it myself so I know it works.
On his baby skin? Don't be such a sap, Janette.
I can't afford to raise any more suspicions until the paternity test comes back.
I bought you this.
Little Frank Junior is looking far too pasty, don't you think? You haven't changed that much, come to think of it.
Comfort eating, I suppose.
- Do you want one? - No.
I want you.
You're right, I have changed.
It's the stupid game.
Everything is so fake.
There's no going back now, though.
Not unless I quit.
Don't you dare.
You're too bloody good.
So let's get on with it, then.
Together, eh? Do you mean that? After everything? Just like you said, we can learn from our mistakes, but I can't do it without you.
You're my Shannon.
You're my wife.
(Dog yapping) I'm sorry, love.
It's for the best.
Shh.
(Baby crying) It's too small.
He has a big bum, like his mum.
He's having a growth spurt, that's all.
I'll get him another one made.
Look at them.
My two little stars.
Krishna! - He's frightening them.
- Krishna, stop it.
Sit.
I think he's got jaundice again, Janette.
It's just his natural colour coming out in the sun, Miss Amber.
- He's got your olive skin.
- Yeah, I suppose.
Look after him while I meditate, will you? Krishna, come on, boy.
So, how long do you think it'll be before she finds her feet? I can make a lovely spa out of that annex.
Hang on a minute, Tan.
She only just had a baby.
And I don't want her losing the plot again.
And I don't want to miss this special time with Ricky.
I'm not saying she should move to Brazil.
We could get her somewhere local.
You could see Ricky all the time.
What about Troy? He'll miss his brother.
That's what I'm saying.
Janette could fetch him around as much as we wanted.
I care about him, too, you know.
I know it's hard on you, baby.
But I've got an instinct.
It's too soon for Amber.
Just bear with me, yeah? I love you.
Ok, darling.
Whatever you think.
Noah? I got your email.
I've been looking forward to meeting you.
Don't worry, we're very discreet.
Hola.
EasyJet, por favor.
Yeah.
Reservations.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Welcome, Noah.
Welcome to the Church of the Found.
ALL: Welcome.
Noah has come to our church for help, guidance and support.
ALL: Yes.
And with our collective strength and spirit, we can banish the compulsions within him that torment him so.
Do you trust, Noah? I do.
ALL: And we trust you.
- Do you feel our strength, Noah? - I do.
I really do.
ALL: And we feel yours.
Then drink it in, Noah, and begin your journey with us.
We will teach you and we will love you because we are all inspired by God's love.
And in His love, we can give you the dedication to find your true self.
Your pure self.
Your heterosexual self.
Yes! Conrad I want you to open this.
I did it for you because I know what she's like.
What the hell are you talking about? I got a paternity test done on Troy.
And the results are in there.
- How the hell did you - His hair.
Look, right or wrong, don't tell me that you're not interested.
It's a match.
I'm Troy's father.
And now will you finally drop your sick obsession? Hear, hear.
Maybe I'll DNA test your baby.
See if you're the one with a guilty secret.
- Be my guest.
- Yeah? Well, I wouldn't.
Because I'm not that twisted or cruel.
(Janette screaming) Impressive CV.
And I see you've worked in Europe as well as the States.
Yes, so I speak a bit of French and Spanish if that's any help.
Thank goodness.
When can you start? There's something I need to tell you about.
It's about what happened in Spain.
I never told you the whole truth.
What are you doing? Teaching you some discipline.
You can't be trusted to do as you're told.