Ghosts (2021) s04e01 Episode Script
Patience
1
SASAPPIS: Isaac Higgintoot,
do you take Nigel to be your husband?
I don't.
And you couldn't have
told me this an hour ago?
♪
FLOWER: Her name is Patience.
She's the lady that lives in the ground.
What? Who's that?
We were once stuck in a hole.
We decided we had to join hands
and navigate our way through the dirt
to the Woodstone basement.
We agreed that Sass would lead the way,
then Thor, then myself.
There was another ghost
in the hole with us.
Her name was Patience.
She was a Puritan.
- W-what happened to her?
- SASAPPIS: Isaac sneezed
- and let go of Patience's hand.
- [GASPS]
For all we know, she's
still out there, roaming.
So, you're telling me
there's a Puritan woman
just out there wandering
around in the dirt?
Yes.
Mm-mmm. I don't like that one bit.
You really should have invited
us to the wedding, Isaac.
He's here, Patience.
PATIENCE: God bless you.
Oh!
-
- MAN: Patience, the council has met,
and we've decided that we'd like you
to leave the community.
What?
But I'm the most pious among us.
Who experiences less joy than I?
Who is more severe?
Uh, you are joyless and severe, I agree.
But even for us Puritans,
there's such a thing
as too severe. I mean,
you wanted us to execute
Miss Elizabeth Prue.
She was talking to a doll.
'Tis surely a sign of witchcraft.
She's five.
And on a path most dark.
[SIGHS] The point is you
have to leave. I'm sorry.
Then fine.
I shall start my own colony.
Where there will be no smiling,
no laughter.
And all the handles of the
butter churns shall be rough-hewn,
so that thoust shall feel the
pain of sin with every stroke.
Well, I think people are
going to really enjoy that.
Or-or not enjoy it. Whatever you wish.
Anyway, banishment.
Next.
♪
ALBERTA: Oh, man.
I feel bad about Isaac leaving
Nigel at the altar last night,
but what a show.
Indeed. At least it was a break
from the crushing mundanity
of our bleak existence.
Okay, the water bill this
month is unusually high.
And just like that, we're back.
Jay, have you been taking
long showers or something?
You think I'm taking long showers?
I got a bunch of invisible
people creeping on me.
I wear a bathing suit in there.
People are so uptight about nudity.
In the cult, we used
to take group showers.
It really helped to clean
those hard-to-reach places.
Quick, Samantha, more water bill talk.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- MARK: Hey, guys.
Got those tile samples
for the restaurant.
Mark and I just went
to the hardware store.
[CHUCKLES] Because I
can leave the property.
We know, Pete.
This one's perfect, right here.
Final answer. Lock it in.
Wow, okay. That was easy.
It's usually a whole weird
song and dance with you two.
Well, we should confirm
it with our investor.
Right, our silent partner.
But do you really think
he needs to weigh in
on such a little thing?
Yes, I think he would be very upset
if we didn't loop him in.
Yeah, that's more what I expected.
Anyway, our supplier said
he's almost out of these.
So if we want them, we got to act fast.
See? So, let's ask Isaac, okay?
Is he in here?
No. Have any of you guys seen him?
- Mm.
- No. He must still be moping in his room.
Oh, poor guy. But it
was exciting for us.
- Oh, the drama! The smell of the hors d'œuvres.
- Mm.
The camaraderie. The
sharing of the soap.
And she's back on group showers.
He wasn't at the hardware store
because he can't leave
the property, which I can.
- What'd they say?
- They haven't seen him.
I hope he's doing okay.
Eh, I'm sure he's fine.
Okay, okay, you know what?
Let's just address the
elephant in the room.
You're upset with me.
Patience! Patience!
That's new.
Thou didst abandon me.
It was an accident.
I had to sneeze and
so I covered my nose.
And in doing so, I
did let go of your hand
and abandoned you to the dirt.
The point is, I was wrong.
And I apologize.
'Tis my intention to
push thee into the dirt
such that thou may know the century
of suffering Patience has endured.
What?
- Patience!
- Aah!
Hey.
Sorry, um, have you-you seen Isaac?
[SIGHS] The marksman who only yesterday
pierced my heart for a second time?
No. I can't say that I have.
But, in a grander sense,
I'm not sure I've ever
seen the real Isaac.
I'm sorry, Nigel. This is really hard.
Nigel's still living in the house?
I thought he would have
slunk back to the shed.
[GROANS]
- Damn it, Jay.
- What?
Didn't Isaac, like, totally
ditch him at the altar?
[MOANS LOUDLY]
Well, we'll leave you alone.
Those of us who possess the
ability to close doors will do so.
[NIGEL MOANING]
SASAPPIS: Can you
turn on the TV already?
It's not called 45 Minutes.
I want to watch the full 60.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, it's not
just like pressing a button.
I mean, it is, but it's hard.
And it's impressive
that I can do it at all.
Possible Trevor somehow
growing weaker over time.
Legs are looking little smaller.
What? No.
That's not even physically possible.
Hey. Have you guys seen Isaac?
I haven't seen him.
Me neither.
Not since wedding, which went
[CHUCKLES] very bad.
Nancy? Have you seen Isaac?
Isaac? Huh. Huh
You know, now that you mention it,
I think he said he was going
for a stroll this morning.
Mm-hmm. And I remember that
because when he said "stroll,"
I was looking at a bowl and I was like
"Whoa, stroll and bowl
what are the chances?"
- What?
- Did he say when he'd be back?
I'm sorry, I didn't get his life story.
Geez, what's with the third degree, huh?
Why are you being so weird?
I'm not being weird.
You're being weird!
Quit taking your body issues
out on me, chicken legs.
I don't have to take this. Move!
Interesting.
Nancy seems like she's hiding something.
Okay, you listen here, Nancy,
and you listen good.
She left, Jay.
Why am I even along on this mission?
Please, Patience. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to lose you.
I I I did look for you.
A few times, I even ventured
slightly into the dirt.
No. You wouldn't. Not for Patience.
Are you kidding? I missed you.
We all missed you. Me, Sass, Thor.
The entire Hole Patrol.
And we had some good times, right?
Remember when Thor tried to
say the word "supposedly,"
and instead said "supposably?"
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHORTLES]
'Twas indeed quite amusing.
And I don't know about you,
but I loved our time in the ditch.
I mean, who wouldn't enjoy staring
at that gorgeous porcelain skin?
'Tis from the bloodletting
that killed me.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm just glad we get to hang again.
Although, similarly
to how Thor, Sass and I
missed being in the
ditch with you, I do fear
I might miss being with them.
See what I mean, Patience?
- Isaac is lonely.
- Exactly.
I miss my friends.
You can understand that, right?
Oh, Patience understand.
Patience. Patience.
Great.
Isaac. Isaac.
ALBERTA: Nancy, out with it.
- What happened to Isaac?
- [GROANS]
I don't know why you guys
are riding my leg about this.
I have no idea where he is.
Okay, I had promised
not to say anything,
but Nancy already told me what happened.
You told him about Patience?
[GASPS] Wait, what
happened with Patience?
Oh, damn it, Stuart.
You have to be the dumbest,
most gullible piece of
trash I've ever known,
and I was married to the village idiot.
Come on, Nancy. What happened?
Okay.
So yesterday, attracted
by the pulsing bass
from the wedding DJ's speakers,
Patience appeared through the wall.
She asked to speak to Isaac,
so we arranged a meeting.
CATHERINE: We thought she just
wanted to yell at him a little.
We didn't know she was
gonna drag him away.
It was very rude.
NANCY: We were mad about not
being invited to the wedding,
but we didn't want this to happen.
Jay, uh, quick update.
Isaac was kidnapped by a Puritan ghost
who's been roaming
the dirt for centuries
waiting for a chance at revenge.
Oh, that's really gonna push
back an answer on these tiles.
Obviously, I'm also
very concerned for Isaac.
Thor confused. How
Patience just take Isaac?
Not like she strong enough
to lift Isaac over shoulder.
Probably something you
struggle with as well.
I broke a ThighMaster
once, Thor. I broke it.
Patience is real stealth. I'll show you.
I'll be Patience and,
Sass, you be Isaac.
Okay? See, he was standing over there.
Right here?
Yep, but his back was to the wall.
- Like this?
- NANCY: Exactly.
Then all of a sudden
- Patience!
- Oh!
[ALL SCREAM]
Okay, you got to believe me.
We did not know that was gonna happen.
[SHOUTING]
[PANTING] Surprise!
Patience, what is the meaning of this?
Thou did say that thou
missed thy friends.
'Tis now a problem solved.
Wait, did I get kidnapped
because Isaac said he was lonely?
No. I have been vastly misunderstood.
- And also, she has gone quite mad.
- Okay.
Isaac didst inform me how
much you searched for Patience
all those years ago.
'Twas a relief on account of how
much I did see thee as friends.
Uh same.
Oh! I never had such
friends as in the ditch.
And now we have another chance.
- Huzzah.
- Yay.
It is ordained.
We shall spend the remainder
of eternity here, together.
Now is it time for my
daily constitutional.
It took me a century to get
my bearings here in the dirt,
so don't you go wandering off
lest ye be lost forever.
[CACKLING]
Oh, this sucks.
Yeah.
Okay, Flower, you spoke with Patience
while you were in the well.
Do you recall her saying anything
that could help us
locate Isaac and Sass?
Don't love that Flower's
memory's load-bearing here.
Okay,
let me think.
It's interesting, because Patience
has taken Isaac and now Sass.
It's almost like she's
abducting everyone
that was in the ditch with her.
Which just leaves Thor.
- Huh?
- ALBERTA: Yeah.
She could be coming
for you next, big guy.
The final piece to her
creepy little puzzle.
Thor like to see her try.
[CHUCKLES] Thor not scared.
Oh, wait! I do remember
something about Patience.
- Mm.
- She was small,
she had no arms and legs.
She was a worm.
There was worm named Patience?
Yeah, I named her after
this other Patience I met.
- She's a Puritan.
- And we're in the vicinity.
Do you know where we
can find the Puritan?
Yes, Patience said something about
living in a cave underneath a willow.
Okay, Flower said that Sass
and Isaac are under a willow.
Is there a willow tree on the property?
Yeah, remember, that's
where I crashed my drone
that looks like a TIE fighter.
TIE fighter's from Star Wars.
Star Wars is a futuristic space opera.
A Well, actually, it
was set in the distant past.
This is worse than
Samantha's water bill talk.
Well, what are we waiting for, huh?
- Let's go get 'em.
- Get who?
- Aah!
- Aah! Aah!
What the hell?!
Thor not scared, Thor just surprised.
Subtle but important difference.
[WATER DRIPPING]
Maybe being imprisoned in this dank lair
with that interminable dripping
is my comeuppance.
What are you talking about?
I've disappointed everyone
who's ever depended on me.
I was a bad fiancé in
death, a bad husband in life.
Let this be my promise
to you, my friend.
If, by the grace of God,
we ever get out of here,
I vow to change my ways.
To be kinder, to be less selfish.
To be a better person.
Good for you.
Your rock looks more
comfortable. Can I have it?
W-what happened to
being a better person?
What? Oh, no, no, no. I said, "if."
If we get out of here.
God has to uphold his
end of the bargain first.
[SIGHS] Can't believe
we're in this situation.
Who knows what that
lunatic has in store for us?
Ugh. Honestly, I'd like to say
that she became terrible
because of the isolation,
but she was always a
little off to begin with.
- [IMITATES PATIENCE]: Patience! Patience!
- [ISAAC CHORTLES]
- Your version's too sane. [IMITATES PATIENCE] Patience!
- Patience!
[REGULAR VOICE]: Oh, yeah,
that's it. That was good.
That one really captured the madness.
That wasn't me, Isaac.
[BOTH GASP]
Patience. What's up, girl?
[GRUNTS] Oh.
I'm tired and my hands hurt.
Yeah, sorry I couldn't find
that second shovel, Jay.
You threw it behind the shed, Sam.
How it going?
Thor, get over here.
Thor good in this open space
with, uh, clear views of all approaches,
but [SHORT CHUCKLE] not scared.
[THUMP] Oh, I think he broke through!
Sam, I think I broke through.
Do you see anything?
Sass! Isaac!
Trevor! Arrow guy!
Oh, this is fun, naming everyone.
Oh, it's a burrow of rabbits.
No ghosts. They're not in here.
Patience ain't in there.
You can stop cowering, Thor.
And your hat small and
ugly like Trevor's legs.
Two for one boom!
Wait a minute.
Patience never said she
lived under a willow.
The Grateful Dead said we could
all get high under a willow
in the song "Sugar Magnolia,"
which wasn't released
until after I died,
but Bobby Weir used to
sing it to us in the shower.
They're not in there, Jay.
You know what that means?
BOTH: We're digging in the wrong place.
- Raiders.
- Did Pete do the Raiders thing?
Our friends are still
being held hostage,
but, yes, Jay, he did the Raiders thing.
- My guy.
- My guy.
I wanted to be nice.
But no one's nice to Patience.
There's only one thing to do.
Yes, one thing to do.
Forget this ever happened
and start over with a clean slate?
Take thee into the dirt.
Eh, when you say, "thee,"
do you mean me "thee" or he "thee?"
- Both.
- Don't love that.
[GROWLS]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Three, two, one, shoot! Yeah.
What was that? Y-you just made a fist.
That is what rock is, Stuart.
The rules are so simple.
You're killing me.
The sexual tension between these two.
It's palpable.
Will they or won't they?
Just put us out of our misery.
[SCREAMING] Oh, my God, that was gross.
Oh, that was so scary. And disgusting.
I'm pretty sure a worm
went right through my mouth.
Oh, she's back and she wants more!
Here, take him. He's not annoying.
No.
I'm returning them.
Thou art free to go.
Wait, really?
W-why?
'Tis mine own fault for
thinking you actually liked me.
Patience shall return
to her one true friend:
the dirt.
Oh
Why does paper beat rock?
Do I run into the dirt?
[EXCLAIMS]
I got it! Patience said she was living
in a white room with black curtains.
No, wait,
that's from a bath I
took with the band Cream.
[GROANS] This is painful.
If legs hurt from standing,
you can have Thor seat.
I was talking about Flower.
The legs are great.
We have returned.
[GHOSTS EXCLAIMING]
How did you escape?
Did you brave the dirt?
Or did you have to do something
you can never talk about?
You can tell Berty. Berty
keeps her mouth shut.
Actually, she just let us go.
- Sasappis hurt her feelings.
- Me? You did it too.
But you started it, by imitating her.
[IMITATES PATIENCE]: Patience! Patience!
[REGULAR VOICE]:
That's a thing she does now.
It's nuts.
Look, I'm glad to be back,
but I don't know, man
I feel like she needed
friends and we abandoned her.
Just like we did 130 years ago.
[IMITATES PATIENCE]: Patience!
[REGULAR VOICE]: I'm not even
exaggerating, that is literally
what it is. She is loony.
Well, I think we figured out
what's up with the water bills.
Mark says the fountain is leaking.
Just hundreds of dollars
dripping into the ground.
And the fascinating saga
of the water bill continues.
- Will they patch the pipes? Stay tuned.
- Babe,
Sass and Isaac escaped
Patience's clutches.
They're back.
Oh, nice.
You see? Sometimes this ghost
stuff just resolves itself.
- That's a good lesson for the future.
- SASAPPIS: Wait a minute.
Dripping?
Isaac, remember the
dripping in Patience's lair?
Patience's lair must
be under the fountain.
What? She's been 50 feet
away this entire time?
Oh, now, that creeps me all the way out.
You know, if Patience's
feelings were really hurt,
now you can do something about it.
We know where she is.
Hey, just to clarify, are you suggesting
going and getting the
creepy, feral, Puritan ghost
and bringing her into the house?
I'm suggesting righting a wrong
that happened a long time ago.
Wow. And you wouldn't
even let me get a lizard.
May I just remind you that this
lunatic kidnapped and held us hostage?
'Cause she was hurting, Isaac.
And, also, she let us go.
Wait, you were kidnapped by a worm?
I may regret this, but I feel
we need to go get Patience.
Patience is very creepy,
but Thor know pain of abandonment.
Would not wish that on any non-Dane.
Isaac, you were literally just saying
that if we got out of there,
you'd turn over a new leaf
and be a better person.
Well, here's your chance.
Yes, perhaps we could start
with something smaller?
I could compliment one of
Samantha's dreadful sweaters.
That looks
lovely.
- Isaac.
- Okay, fine, fine.
[SIGHS]
Let's go get that scary Puritan woman.
Jay, we may need to
destroy the fountain, but
- Please don't finish that sentence.
- TREVOR: No.
I got a better idea.
I'm a guy with great legs
and a great idea.
SAMANTHA: Wow, Jay,
this is actually really cool.
They formed a human chain.
Or, you know, a ghost chain.
Once again, Sam, we're
still human, we're just dead.
This is the most amazing
sight I've never seen.
You see, back at Camp Ramah,
I was anchor of my tug-of-war team.
Three years running,
we got first in the Maccabiah games.
Okay.
I'll take Crash's hand.
At least we know he cannot sneeze.
Yeah, yeah, keep going. Into the dirt.
I hate this! [SHOUTS]
Whee! [LAUGHS]
Oh! Now we stop. Stop.
Stop. Pull out! Pull out!
No! The-the ghosts got
pulled into the dirt.
JAY: Oh, no.
[GRUNTING] Yes!
T-Money and his magic quads.
[GRUNTS] Suck it, Thor!
Thor's way up there.
Pass it on.
Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.
DIRK: Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.
STUART: Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.
[WATER DRIPPING]
[GRUNTING]
Patience!
We came back.
Isaac? Sasappis?
What is the meaning of this?
We're not gonna abandon you again.
Come with us.
[PETE SCREAMS] Oh, sorry! Sorry!
I got him.
We're good, we're good.
Look, we know we messed up,
but you're our friend.
And you are not a lunatic.
My point is we would like you
to come back to the house with us.
You came back for me?
Not soon enough.
Patience. Patience!
Oh, so, it can be good or bad.
- That's interesting.
- Mm-hmm.
[IMITATES SCHWARZENEGGER]:
Come with me if you want to live.
[REGULAR VOICE]: Terminator.
It's a movie. Uh, a movie's,
- like, a series of images
- SASAPPIS: Can we do this
back at the house?
Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.
Wait.
[SIGHS] Hey, Jay, if I were kidnapped
and trapped in an underground lair,
would you risk an eternity in the dirt
for the chance to save me?
Ooh, of course.
And I love that these
are our hypotheticals.
Mm.
Well?
Oh, sorry, bro.
It's a no-go on the tiles. Our
investor wants to see other options.
I mean, burgundy
are we opening a
restaurant or a brothel?
Okay, I'll find some more options.
Sorry, Mark.
By the way, how's Patience
adapting to life in the house?
I think it's going really well.
PATIENCE: One last question for thee.
What is thy favorite color?
Ugh. I did not sign up for this.
Patience! Patience!
Aah! Purple!
Oh.
SASAPPIS: Isaac Higgintoot,
do you take Nigel to be your husband?
I don't.
And you couldn't have
told me this an hour ago?
♪
FLOWER: Her name is Patience.
She's the lady that lives in the ground.
What? Who's that?
We were once stuck in a hole.
We decided we had to join hands
and navigate our way through the dirt
to the Woodstone basement.
We agreed that Sass would lead the way,
then Thor, then myself.
There was another ghost
in the hole with us.
Her name was Patience.
She was a Puritan.
- W-what happened to her?
- SASAPPIS: Isaac sneezed
- and let go of Patience's hand.
- [GASPS]
For all we know, she's
still out there, roaming.
So, you're telling me
there's a Puritan woman
just out there wandering
around in the dirt?
Yes.
Mm-mmm. I don't like that one bit.
You really should have invited
us to the wedding, Isaac.
He's here, Patience.
PATIENCE: God bless you.
Oh!
-
- MAN: Patience, the council has met,
and we've decided that we'd like you
to leave the community.
What?
But I'm the most pious among us.
Who experiences less joy than I?
Who is more severe?
Uh, you are joyless and severe, I agree.
But even for us Puritans,
there's such a thing
as too severe. I mean,
you wanted us to execute
Miss Elizabeth Prue.
She was talking to a doll.
'Tis surely a sign of witchcraft.
She's five.
And on a path most dark.
[SIGHS] The point is you
have to leave. I'm sorry.
Then fine.
I shall start my own colony.
Where there will be no smiling,
no laughter.
And all the handles of the
butter churns shall be rough-hewn,
so that thoust shall feel the
pain of sin with every stroke.
Well, I think people are
going to really enjoy that.
Or-or not enjoy it. Whatever you wish.
Anyway, banishment.
Next.
♪
ALBERTA: Oh, man.
I feel bad about Isaac leaving
Nigel at the altar last night,
but what a show.
Indeed. At least it was a break
from the crushing mundanity
of our bleak existence.
Okay, the water bill this
month is unusually high.
And just like that, we're back.
Jay, have you been taking
long showers or something?
You think I'm taking long showers?
I got a bunch of invisible
people creeping on me.
I wear a bathing suit in there.
People are so uptight about nudity.
In the cult, we used
to take group showers.
It really helped to clean
those hard-to-reach places.
Quick, Samantha, more water bill talk.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- MARK: Hey, guys.
Got those tile samples
for the restaurant.
Mark and I just went
to the hardware store.
[CHUCKLES] Because I
can leave the property.
We know, Pete.
This one's perfect, right here.
Final answer. Lock it in.
Wow, okay. That was easy.
It's usually a whole weird
song and dance with you two.
Well, we should confirm
it with our investor.
Right, our silent partner.
But do you really think
he needs to weigh in
on such a little thing?
Yes, I think he would be very upset
if we didn't loop him in.
Yeah, that's more what I expected.
Anyway, our supplier said
he's almost out of these.
So if we want them, we got to act fast.
See? So, let's ask Isaac, okay?
Is he in here?
No. Have any of you guys seen him?
- Mm.
- No. He must still be moping in his room.
Oh, poor guy. But it
was exciting for us.
- Oh, the drama! The smell of the hors d'œuvres.
- Mm.
The camaraderie. The
sharing of the soap.
And she's back on group showers.
He wasn't at the hardware store
because he can't leave
the property, which I can.
- What'd they say?
- They haven't seen him.
I hope he's doing okay.
Eh, I'm sure he's fine.
Okay, okay, you know what?
Let's just address the
elephant in the room.
You're upset with me.
Patience! Patience!
That's new.
Thou didst abandon me.
It was an accident.
I had to sneeze and
so I covered my nose.
And in doing so, I
did let go of your hand
and abandoned you to the dirt.
The point is, I was wrong.
And I apologize.
'Tis my intention to
push thee into the dirt
such that thou may know the century
of suffering Patience has endured.
What?
- Patience!
- Aah!
Hey.
Sorry, um, have you-you seen Isaac?
[SIGHS] The marksman who only yesterday
pierced my heart for a second time?
No. I can't say that I have.
But, in a grander sense,
I'm not sure I've ever
seen the real Isaac.
I'm sorry, Nigel. This is really hard.
Nigel's still living in the house?
I thought he would have
slunk back to the shed.
[GROANS]
- Damn it, Jay.
- What?
Didn't Isaac, like, totally
ditch him at the altar?
[MOANS LOUDLY]
Well, we'll leave you alone.
Those of us who possess the
ability to close doors will do so.
[NIGEL MOANING]
SASAPPIS: Can you
turn on the TV already?
It's not called 45 Minutes.
I want to watch the full 60.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, it's not
just like pressing a button.
I mean, it is, but it's hard.
And it's impressive
that I can do it at all.
Possible Trevor somehow
growing weaker over time.
Legs are looking little smaller.
What? No.
That's not even physically possible.
Hey. Have you guys seen Isaac?
I haven't seen him.
Me neither.
Not since wedding, which went
[CHUCKLES] very bad.
Nancy? Have you seen Isaac?
Isaac? Huh. Huh
You know, now that you mention it,
I think he said he was going
for a stroll this morning.
Mm-hmm. And I remember that
because when he said "stroll,"
I was looking at a bowl and I was like
"Whoa, stroll and bowl
what are the chances?"
- What?
- Did he say when he'd be back?
I'm sorry, I didn't get his life story.
Geez, what's with the third degree, huh?
Why are you being so weird?
I'm not being weird.
You're being weird!
Quit taking your body issues
out on me, chicken legs.
I don't have to take this. Move!
Interesting.
Nancy seems like she's hiding something.
Okay, you listen here, Nancy,
and you listen good.
She left, Jay.
Why am I even along on this mission?
Please, Patience. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to lose you.
I I I did look for you.
A few times, I even ventured
slightly into the dirt.
No. You wouldn't. Not for Patience.
Are you kidding? I missed you.
We all missed you. Me, Sass, Thor.
The entire Hole Patrol.
And we had some good times, right?
Remember when Thor tried to
say the word "supposedly,"
and instead said "supposably?"
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHORTLES]
'Twas indeed quite amusing.
And I don't know about you,
but I loved our time in the ditch.
I mean, who wouldn't enjoy staring
at that gorgeous porcelain skin?
'Tis from the bloodletting
that killed me.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm just glad we get to hang again.
Although, similarly
to how Thor, Sass and I
missed being in the
ditch with you, I do fear
I might miss being with them.
See what I mean, Patience?
- Isaac is lonely.
- Exactly.
I miss my friends.
You can understand that, right?
Oh, Patience understand.
Patience. Patience.
Great.
Isaac. Isaac.
ALBERTA: Nancy, out with it.
- What happened to Isaac?
- [GROANS]
I don't know why you guys
are riding my leg about this.
I have no idea where he is.
Okay, I had promised
not to say anything,
but Nancy already told me what happened.
You told him about Patience?
[GASPS] Wait, what
happened with Patience?
Oh, damn it, Stuart.
You have to be the dumbest,
most gullible piece of
trash I've ever known,
and I was married to the village idiot.
Come on, Nancy. What happened?
Okay.
So yesterday, attracted
by the pulsing bass
from the wedding DJ's speakers,
Patience appeared through the wall.
She asked to speak to Isaac,
so we arranged a meeting.
CATHERINE: We thought she just
wanted to yell at him a little.
We didn't know she was
gonna drag him away.
It was very rude.
NANCY: We were mad about not
being invited to the wedding,
but we didn't want this to happen.
Jay, uh, quick update.
Isaac was kidnapped by a Puritan ghost
who's been roaming
the dirt for centuries
waiting for a chance at revenge.
Oh, that's really gonna push
back an answer on these tiles.
Obviously, I'm also
very concerned for Isaac.
Thor confused. How
Patience just take Isaac?
Not like she strong enough
to lift Isaac over shoulder.
Probably something you
struggle with as well.
I broke a ThighMaster
once, Thor. I broke it.
Patience is real stealth. I'll show you.
I'll be Patience and,
Sass, you be Isaac.
Okay? See, he was standing over there.
Right here?
Yep, but his back was to the wall.
- Like this?
- NANCY: Exactly.
Then all of a sudden
- Patience!
- Oh!
[ALL SCREAM]
Okay, you got to believe me.
We did not know that was gonna happen.
[SHOUTING]
[PANTING] Surprise!
Patience, what is the meaning of this?
Thou did say that thou
missed thy friends.
'Tis now a problem solved.
Wait, did I get kidnapped
because Isaac said he was lonely?
No. I have been vastly misunderstood.
- And also, she has gone quite mad.
- Okay.
Isaac didst inform me how
much you searched for Patience
all those years ago.
'Twas a relief on account of how
much I did see thee as friends.
Uh same.
Oh! I never had such
friends as in the ditch.
And now we have another chance.
- Huzzah.
- Yay.
It is ordained.
We shall spend the remainder
of eternity here, together.
Now is it time for my
daily constitutional.
It took me a century to get
my bearings here in the dirt,
so don't you go wandering off
lest ye be lost forever.
[CACKLING]
Oh, this sucks.
Yeah.
Okay, Flower, you spoke with Patience
while you were in the well.
Do you recall her saying anything
that could help us
locate Isaac and Sass?
Don't love that Flower's
memory's load-bearing here.
Okay,
let me think.
It's interesting, because Patience
has taken Isaac and now Sass.
It's almost like she's
abducting everyone
that was in the ditch with her.
Which just leaves Thor.
- Huh?
- ALBERTA: Yeah.
She could be coming
for you next, big guy.
The final piece to her
creepy little puzzle.
Thor like to see her try.
[CHUCKLES] Thor not scared.
Oh, wait! I do remember
something about Patience.
- Mm.
- She was small,
she had no arms and legs.
She was a worm.
There was worm named Patience?
Yeah, I named her after
this other Patience I met.
- She's a Puritan.
- And we're in the vicinity.
Do you know where we
can find the Puritan?
Yes, Patience said something about
living in a cave underneath a willow.
Okay, Flower said that Sass
and Isaac are under a willow.
Is there a willow tree on the property?
Yeah, remember, that's
where I crashed my drone
that looks like a TIE fighter.
TIE fighter's from Star Wars.
Star Wars is a futuristic space opera.
A Well, actually, it
was set in the distant past.
This is worse than
Samantha's water bill talk.
Well, what are we waiting for, huh?
- Let's go get 'em.
- Get who?
- Aah!
- Aah! Aah!
What the hell?!
Thor not scared, Thor just surprised.
Subtle but important difference.
[WATER DRIPPING]
Maybe being imprisoned in this dank lair
with that interminable dripping
is my comeuppance.
What are you talking about?
I've disappointed everyone
who's ever depended on me.
I was a bad fiancé in
death, a bad husband in life.
Let this be my promise
to you, my friend.
If, by the grace of God,
we ever get out of here,
I vow to change my ways.
To be kinder, to be less selfish.
To be a better person.
Good for you.
Your rock looks more
comfortable. Can I have it?
W-what happened to
being a better person?
What? Oh, no, no, no. I said, "if."
If we get out of here.
God has to uphold his
end of the bargain first.
[SIGHS] Can't believe
we're in this situation.
Who knows what that
lunatic has in store for us?
Ugh. Honestly, I'd like to say
that she became terrible
because of the isolation,
but she was always a
little off to begin with.
- [IMITATES PATIENCE]: Patience! Patience!
- [ISAAC CHORTLES]
- Your version's too sane. [IMITATES PATIENCE] Patience!
- Patience!
[REGULAR VOICE]: Oh, yeah,
that's it. That was good.
That one really captured the madness.
That wasn't me, Isaac.
[BOTH GASP]
Patience. What's up, girl?
[GRUNTS] Oh.
I'm tired and my hands hurt.
Yeah, sorry I couldn't find
that second shovel, Jay.
You threw it behind the shed, Sam.
How it going?
Thor, get over here.
Thor good in this open space
with, uh, clear views of all approaches,
but [SHORT CHUCKLE] not scared.
[THUMP] Oh, I think he broke through!
Sam, I think I broke through.
Do you see anything?
Sass! Isaac!
Trevor! Arrow guy!
Oh, this is fun, naming everyone.
Oh, it's a burrow of rabbits.
No ghosts. They're not in here.
Patience ain't in there.
You can stop cowering, Thor.
And your hat small and
ugly like Trevor's legs.
Two for one boom!
Wait a minute.
Patience never said she
lived under a willow.
The Grateful Dead said we could
all get high under a willow
in the song "Sugar Magnolia,"
which wasn't released
until after I died,
but Bobby Weir used to
sing it to us in the shower.
They're not in there, Jay.
You know what that means?
BOTH: We're digging in the wrong place.
- Raiders.
- Did Pete do the Raiders thing?
Our friends are still
being held hostage,
but, yes, Jay, he did the Raiders thing.
- My guy.
- My guy.
I wanted to be nice.
But no one's nice to Patience.
There's only one thing to do.
Yes, one thing to do.
Forget this ever happened
and start over with a clean slate?
Take thee into the dirt.
Eh, when you say, "thee,"
do you mean me "thee" or he "thee?"
- Both.
- Don't love that.
[GROWLS]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Three, two, one, shoot! Yeah.
What was that? Y-you just made a fist.
That is what rock is, Stuart.
The rules are so simple.
You're killing me.
The sexual tension between these two.
It's palpable.
Will they or won't they?
Just put us out of our misery.
[SCREAMING] Oh, my God, that was gross.
Oh, that was so scary. And disgusting.
I'm pretty sure a worm
went right through my mouth.
Oh, she's back and she wants more!
Here, take him. He's not annoying.
No.
I'm returning them.
Thou art free to go.
Wait, really?
W-why?
'Tis mine own fault for
thinking you actually liked me.
Patience shall return
to her one true friend:
the dirt.
Oh
Why does paper beat rock?
Do I run into the dirt?
[EXCLAIMS]
I got it! Patience said she was living
in a white room with black curtains.
No, wait,
that's from a bath I
took with the band Cream.
[GROANS] This is painful.
If legs hurt from standing,
you can have Thor seat.
I was talking about Flower.
The legs are great.
We have returned.
[GHOSTS EXCLAIMING]
How did you escape?
Did you brave the dirt?
Or did you have to do something
you can never talk about?
You can tell Berty. Berty
keeps her mouth shut.
Actually, she just let us go.
- Sasappis hurt her feelings.
- Me? You did it too.
But you started it, by imitating her.
[IMITATES PATIENCE]: Patience! Patience!
[REGULAR VOICE]:
That's a thing she does now.
It's nuts.
Look, I'm glad to be back,
but I don't know, man
I feel like she needed
friends and we abandoned her.
Just like we did 130 years ago.
[IMITATES PATIENCE]: Patience!
[REGULAR VOICE]: I'm not even
exaggerating, that is literally
what it is. She is loony.
Well, I think we figured out
what's up with the water bills.
Mark says the fountain is leaking.
Just hundreds of dollars
dripping into the ground.
And the fascinating saga
of the water bill continues.
- Will they patch the pipes? Stay tuned.
- Babe,
Sass and Isaac escaped
Patience's clutches.
They're back.
Oh, nice.
You see? Sometimes this ghost
stuff just resolves itself.
- That's a good lesson for the future.
- SASAPPIS: Wait a minute.
Dripping?
Isaac, remember the
dripping in Patience's lair?
Patience's lair must
be under the fountain.
What? She's been 50 feet
away this entire time?
Oh, now, that creeps me all the way out.
You know, if Patience's
feelings were really hurt,
now you can do something about it.
We know where she is.
Hey, just to clarify, are you suggesting
going and getting the
creepy, feral, Puritan ghost
and bringing her into the house?
I'm suggesting righting a wrong
that happened a long time ago.
Wow. And you wouldn't
even let me get a lizard.
May I just remind you that this
lunatic kidnapped and held us hostage?
'Cause she was hurting, Isaac.
And, also, she let us go.
Wait, you were kidnapped by a worm?
I may regret this, but I feel
we need to go get Patience.
Patience is very creepy,
but Thor know pain of abandonment.
Would not wish that on any non-Dane.
Isaac, you were literally just saying
that if we got out of there,
you'd turn over a new leaf
and be a better person.
Well, here's your chance.
Yes, perhaps we could start
with something smaller?
I could compliment one of
Samantha's dreadful sweaters.
That looks
lovely.
- Isaac.
- Okay, fine, fine.
[SIGHS]
Let's go get that scary Puritan woman.
Jay, we may need to
destroy the fountain, but
- Please don't finish that sentence.
- TREVOR: No.
I got a better idea.
I'm a guy with great legs
and a great idea.
SAMANTHA: Wow, Jay,
this is actually really cool.
They formed a human chain.
Or, you know, a ghost chain.
Once again, Sam, we're
still human, we're just dead.
This is the most amazing
sight I've never seen.
You see, back at Camp Ramah,
I was anchor of my tug-of-war team.
Three years running,
we got first in the Maccabiah games.
Okay.
I'll take Crash's hand.
At least we know he cannot sneeze.
Yeah, yeah, keep going. Into the dirt.
I hate this! [SHOUTS]
Whee! [LAUGHS]
Oh! Now we stop. Stop.
Stop. Pull out! Pull out!
No! The-the ghosts got
pulled into the dirt.
JAY: Oh, no.
[GRUNTING] Yes!
T-Money and his magic quads.
[GRUNTS] Suck it, Thor!
Thor's way up there.
Pass it on.
Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.
DIRK: Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.
STUART: Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.
[WATER DRIPPING]
[GRUNTING]
Patience!
We came back.
Isaac? Sasappis?
What is the meaning of this?
We're not gonna abandon you again.
Come with us.
[PETE SCREAMS] Oh, sorry! Sorry!
I got him.
We're good, we're good.
Look, we know we messed up,
but you're our friend.
And you are not a lunatic.
My point is we would like you
to come back to the house with us.
You came back for me?
Not soon enough.
Patience. Patience!
Oh, so, it can be good or bad.
- That's interesting.
- Mm-hmm.
[IMITATES SCHWARZENEGGER]:
Come with me if you want to live.
[REGULAR VOICE]: Terminator.
It's a movie. Uh, a movie's,
- like, a series of images
- SASAPPIS: Can we do this
back at the house?
Suck it, Thor. Pass it on.
Wait.
[SIGHS] Hey, Jay, if I were kidnapped
and trapped in an underground lair,
would you risk an eternity in the dirt
for the chance to save me?
Ooh, of course.
And I love that these
are our hypotheticals.
Mm.
Well?
Oh, sorry, bro.
It's a no-go on the tiles. Our
investor wants to see other options.
I mean, burgundy
are we opening a
restaurant or a brothel?
Okay, I'll find some more options.
Sorry, Mark.
By the way, how's Patience
adapting to life in the house?
I think it's going really well.
PATIENCE: One last question for thee.
What is thy favorite color?
Ugh. I did not sign up for this.
Patience! Patience!
Aah! Purple!
Oh.