Girl Code (2013) s04e01 Episode Script
Prom
You shouldn't use slang at, like, a job interview.
- Right.
- You shouldn't sit down and be like, "My resume on fleek.
" Listen up, ladies.
It's "Girl Code.
" On this episode of "Girl Code," sex isn't the most important thing in the world, but it sure feels that way when we're in a dry spell.
Also, there are a lot of things that we should stop doing.
So it's about time we talk about quitting.
Then our misinformed maidens get together to give you guidance on Ask Girl Code.
I remember, I did that to a guy when I was in high school.
Every day, it would be like, "Are you gonna drive me home tonight?" And eventually, he was like, "Girl, at least touch my (bleep).
" But first, it may be time to retire your favorite slang, for reals.
Slang is when you take words from the dictionary and you like jumble 'em up to sound really cool and give 'em like 19 different meanings.
You feel me? Slang is different what's in the dictionary 'cause it's cool.
I'm not a nerd over here trying to say big words.
You cut those words in half and add a "Z" at the end of it.
Bootylicious is in the dictionary.
Really? Sure is.
Beyonce's powerful.
My favorite all-time word ever is hella.
People still say hella? I don't know.
I feel like the white community gets 'em a little late.
Oh gotcha.
I like to say amazeballs and crazeballs a lot, um, I like to take random words like, you know, things that make me feel excited, and add "balls" on the end of it.
All my favorite slang words are from the '90s.
Like, I like still say whack.
I still say things are hot fire.
Cool, awesome, yeah, yeah.
I guess "yeah" is a word, so that's stupid.
Yas queen.
Yas Are you saying Yas Quinn or Yas queen.
- Quinn? - Queen.
- Quinn, that's my favorite - Queen.
Though, I use that so much.
Like, I'm just like, "That ass", though.
" "Those bangs, though.
" "Those jeans, though.
" People are like, "Shannon, stop", "just stop," but I'm like, "Okay, though.
" I think slang comes from hip-hop because like E-40 will start saying it, and then like Snoop Dogg will start saying it.
And then like Nicki Minaj and whoever else, and then like everyone's starting to use it.
I don't think bae was a thing until Beyonce came around and made bae a thing, which I like.
I like Bae.
Where I grew up, we would say "Jawn," meant anything.
So like, you'd be like, "Yo, pass me that jawn.
" "Do you like this jawn?" "Let's go that jawn.
" "Uh, what's the jawn?" It's kind of crazy.
It's gays.
Gays start a lot of slang.
Yeah, we do.
Gays are very not you ones.
I know.
The man ones.
What do gay women start? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
No, they started (bleep) and I wish I was cool when I first heard a slang word and I was like, "Yeah, I know" what that means.
" But I'm usually like, "What, what's that? What's that mean?" Remember that song like "Getting Slizzard"? And I was like "Is that like a slutty lizard?" Sometimes I have to go on urbandictionary.
com to find out what the children are tweeting me.
Your uncle kind of comes over, like, he's a little drunk and he has this beard.
He's not wearing a shirt and he has man boobs, and he kind of comes over and he's like, "So, uh, Trevor, what's a bedonkey?" If you don't know the slang, just tell 'em you don't know.
It'll be so much better than embarrassing yourself.
It'll feel better, like no one can fault you for just asking, I think, personally.
I didn't know what "thot" was for a long time.
I had to call my Negro colloquialism professor, Charlamagne Tha God, and ask him, "What's a thot?" And I texted her back, I said it's an acronym for - "That Hoe Over There.
" - Mm-hmm.
And she was like, "Oh, so I shouldn't take it as a compliment?" I'm like, "Well, I mean", - that's up to you.
" - Right.
Some people embrace their hoeism.
Look at Madonna, she's made a career off it.
Slang becomes too much when your Southwest flight attendant calls you "bae.
" I feel like a word is dead when you start seeing it on Facebook by your parents.
I love her to pieces, but freaking Hoda, when she recited Taylor Swift, she was like, "The haters are gonna" hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
"Players are gonna play, play.
" I was like, "(bleep), Hoda, now" I can't even listen to this song "anymore, and I liked it!" Slang is definitely over when it hits that point where like there's movies where like old ladies are saying it, and they're like, "That old lady" said that, whoa!" And you're like, "Okay, I'm" out.
" I wanna start a new slang, okay? You're gonna say about a girl, "Oh, she's extra foam, but no whip.
" Meaning, she's got a great butt, but she doesn't know how to (bleep).
We need to try to make "hood booger" happen because it just defines so many different things.
If your mail comes late, your mailman's a hood booger.
He ain't (bleep).
I think TOOB, T-O-O-B, the opposite of basic.
Opposite of basic.
I'm not a basic bitch.
I use the word veggie, and that's my slang, and it's for a vagina wedgie.
TMC, too many cats.
L'ainte.
When you're late, but you don't give a (bleep), so you're like leaning in, kind of you're like I'ainte.
Shunt bucket.
Can you make me a list of I'm not gonna be able to come home.
I don't know, I mean Find Eiffel.
Settle down, guys, please, be quiet.
We have been here for over 24 hours.
But they did not put us in charge of creating new Internet slang for nothin', okay? We made "basic" unbasic.
"Bye Felicia" more like this is the best thing in the world.
That Hilary texting meme? Good one! Okay, who's got something that's gonna wow me? I got it.
Anybody else have something? I do.
Fine, Daryl.
We have several contenders for this year's urban dictionary, all right? What about "and bitches," all right? Bitches.
I got "mexting," right? Yeah, "fuffling," right? Boo-boo Faluffeling.
Yeah.
What is "Fuffeling"? Fuffeling is when you're pooping at a friend's house and you feel like you have to fart loudly, so you wanna wrap a bunch of toilet paper in your hand and you kind of stick it up your butt so that it muffles the sound of the loud farts.
I'm doing it right now.
So you I still got a lot a little piece up there.
Okay, I like that.
Thank you.
- I like that a whole bunch.
- All right.
Let's just try to get it into some movies, yeah, that deserves a snap, handclap, whatever.
- For shizzle.
- No! Darryl, for shizzle? For sheezie? No, Daryl, that's also very old.
Okay.
Quinn, what do we have on the hashtag front? Hashtag no filter.
We're done with that, right? Done, yeah.
So this year, 2015, how about hashtag all the filters? - Oh, my God.
- "All da filters.
" Oh, my God, you made it better.
- "All da filters.
" - I do that.
- It's da bomb.
- It's da bomb.
Shut the (bleep) up, Daryl.
I will (bleep) you up after this meeting.
That's not fair.
I will, I'll (bleep) you right in the ear.
- In the ear? - Let's move on, Shalyah? On the selfie front, I'm thinking of a new one that I discovered when I feel in an aquarium last week.
Starfish.
Ahh.
Try it, it's really cool.
"Starfish.
" Yeah, um, Quinn, you're just covering your face.
You fell into an aquarium.
I don't hate it.
I don't love it.
I like it, Starfish Selfie.
Aquafina, what do you got? So I got the Cleveland Steamer that's so 1976, right? We got the Dirty Sanchez.
That's what my grandparents do.
How about this one, the Bette Fiddler.
Basically, you take your first wife and you (bleep) her right in the (bleep), right? Pretend this is a big, black (bleep) that you wanna insert.
There's a (bleep) that is chafing, a little bit (bleep), a little bit (bleep).
Hair loss, that's when you just (bleep) on a Brazilian (bleep).
So it works out well.
This (bleep) when the flame comes in, add the enema (bleep), and then you take a Snapchat.
That's it.
Thanks, guys.
That was amazing! That was great, but it was awkward, right, Nicole? No, Daryl, no.
Awkward is so, so ten years ago! You're fired.
Bye, Daryl.
Bye? - Get out of here, Daryl.
- Bye, Daryl.
You know what? YOLO, you only live once.
No, Daryl, I'll live forever! That's what's happening! I'm immortal.
Aah! Coming up If you don't remember the last time you hooked up, you're not alone.
My longest dry spell was over a year.
I was in a wheelchair for six months out of that year, but it's also like, who doesn't want to (bleep) a girl in a wheelchair? Girl Code - 04x01 Prom Welcome back to "Girl Code.
" There is a period of time that will most likely come more than once in your life.
Dry spells.
A dry spell is when your body is running low on vitamin P.
Penises.
Or (bleep) I don't know.
It's when you haven't had sex for a while, you know, so there's not a lot of moisture, so I think that's where "dry spell" comes from.
A dry spell is just tumbleweed in your vagina.
Or whatever.
Like a vulture.
Man, one time I didn't have sex for like a year.
And it as like, I wanted to, but I didn't like any of the guys I came into contact with.
And I was like, "You know what?" I'ma just keep letting this hair "grow over my vagina.
" My longest dry spell was over a year.
I was in a wheelchair for six months out of that year, but it's also like, who doesn't want to (bleep) a girl in a wheelchair? I've had a lot of long dry spells.
I-I'm like maybe sexually bipolar, I'd say, where sometimes I'm on and sometimes I'm just I'm off.
My longest dry spell after I started having sex was for two years.
My (bleep) was like, "Yeah", ooh-whee, here's some (bleep) "for me.
" And then my dad died and then it was like, "Well, the (bleep)" that mattered the most is gone.
" I gotta go.
I don't think anybody wants to hear about your dry spell that much.
A lot of girls are like sitting around, and they're like, "Oh", my gosh, I need to have sex.
I haven't had sex in such "a long time.
" And it's like, then shut up and go have sex with somebody then, already.
Maybe if you're telling a therapist, that's good 'cause they're getting paid, so they don't care.
Here's the thing.
I tell people I'm in a dry spell because that's my game, you know, so that they know like, "Oh, (bleep), her vag is" (bleep).
She's trying to (bleep).
"What's up?" Hey, don't get it twisted We know you girls got game, too.
A lot of you girls is out here, you know, you know, sleeping with everybody.
- Mm-hmm.
- But then you come to us and be like, "Oh, I'm having" a dry spell.
"I haven't been with anyone.
" Meanwhile, you just had three guys last month.
- Yeah.
- You know? - Yeah.
- And now all of a sudden you in a dry spell.
You don't gotta front for me "I'm a virgin.
" I'm like, "You have a kid.
" I think everybody goes through dry spells.
It's not a bad thing.
It's natural.
It is natural.
You can't be (bleep) all the time.
You can't ABF.
Nope.
Sorry.
All of that pent-up energy that you have, you can actually put towards things that are good for you, like put it into work, write a book, write a journal entry, like, I don't know why, but somehow journaling sounds comforting.
I think I'm less productive in a dry spell because I'm constantly distracted by the dry spell.
Like, I'll try and get work done, I'm like, "Man, but I" remember when I used to have "penises around me.
" I just think girls who embrace their dry spells get (bleep) done.
Look at Hilary Clinton.
She does not have a vagina anymore, and she's about to be president.
My longest dry spell was five years, man.
The struggle was so real, I'm like a born again virgin.
I used to actually live next to Alesha.
She was my neighbor.
I consider her a sister.
She was putting that self-imposed dry spell on herself, and I never could understand why.
Part of it was because I was going through really hard times, and another part of it was because I was trying to get myself together financially and career-wise.
She could've opened that store up for business anytime she wanted to.
Anytime, yeah, she would have a line around the block.
You would think there's new Jordans coming out of her.
- Absolutely.
- And I kept saying, "The next" guy I'm gonna have sex with, he's gonna marry me, he's gonna marry me 'cause my vagina's "gonna be so (bleep).
" When the dry spell is over, I feel like you walk out of your room the next day, and you're like, "Hello, everyone!" And people are like, "Oh", "you're glowing," and you wanna say, "I got some (bleep)" "yesterday," but that would be crass, so you just say, "I am? Thank you.
" I have mixed feelings.
Like, part of me's like, "Yeah", I'm back, I'm in the (bleep) "again," and the other part of me's like, "Oh, no, I'm back", I'm in the (bleep) again? Oh, (bleep), I gotta get my ass "(bleep) lasered again?" Coming up, we give up the wrong things.
I am a quitter, but only for the things that I shouldn't be quitting.
Like school and life.
And later, things get out of hand on Ask Girl Code.
- It's like, I'm gonna get you! - Yeah, no, it's awesome.
He's like a little, like, sperm.
He's like, "I need this here.
" "I need it," yeah.
Guys who hit on you when they're already taken, I can't.
The next time a guy flirts with me all night long and buys me a bunch of drinks just to tell me at the end of the night that he's like engaged, it's like guess what, it's 2015, it's not really that hard for me to get your girlfriend's phone number, okay? So just you're playing with fire, all right? I can't.
Welcome back to "Girl Code.
" What do doughnuts, your ex-boyfriend, and cigarettes all have in common? They're all amazing things that you need to quit.
Am I a quitter? No.
(bleep) No.
I'm out here to win.
I am not a quitter, and I actually think it's a bad thing 'cause sometimes I just don't know when to walk away from something.
I am a quitter but only for the things that I shouldn't be quitting like school and life.
I can't remember the last time I quit something that I should've quit, you know what I mean? On that note Things that you should quit are things that make you unhappy.
Get those things out of there.
You don't have to feel bad about them, like, smoking, stop.
Gross, wrap it up.
The two worst things that I could possibly do is eat Top Ramen every day and mess with my ex-boyfriend.
And I still do both of them (bleep).
Every Sunday, I'm like, "I'm staring my diet tomorrow.
" I'm gonna quit smoking next "week.
" And then every Monday, I'm like, "But food's so good and I love smoking.
" Uh, hardest habit I ever quit was drinking 'cause it was so fun.
I just quit cold turkey and I started going to AA every day.
You get a sponsor, it's kind of fun, you get a whole new group of friends.
And then I quit AA.
I realized like, oh, I was just like filling some kind of void with it.
It really was never about the cookies.
It was what the cookies represented.
Just kidding, I would never give up cookies, like that's sad.
I've quit every kind of job you can imagine.
Bartending, catering.
I danced at bar mitzvahs.
You know it's time to quit your job when you cry every, single day.
It starts, you're crying before work, then you're starting the need to cry at work.
You're crying in the bathroom and then you're just full-on sobbing at your desk on top of the puppy calendar that the temp left.
I think you have to plan out what your next source of income will be before you quit.
That's smart.
But keep looking into that I feel like you haven't done that before.
- Sure not.
- Yeah.
So once you've decided, yes, this is definitely something I should quit, you have to have a game plan to figure out how to quit.
I came into your office today to tell you I'm quitting.
That's right, I'm tired of being taken advantage of at this company! Listen, I know you're trying to motivate me, all right, but I've had sex and I've tried drugs.
I'm sorry, Cupcake Monday's not doing it for me! Ha ha! I've been stealing toilet paper from here the whole time.
I'm out of here, mother(bleep), you suck.
Yo, (bleep) y'all.
Get this desk out of here! You're a (bleep) idiot, and you're a (bleep) idiot, and you're a (bleep) idiot, and you're a (bleep) idiot.
And I'm taking all the Post-its! Argh! I rip my shirt open.
That's right, my tits are out.
You can't fire me, though, 'cause I quit! Yes! Coming up, Ask Girl Code tells it like it is.
But she's actually very giving, then, because a demon wouldn't be like helping people Or she's a Semen Angel.
She's a Semen Angel.
Let's all take a minute and bow down to Hedy Lamarr.
Hedy Lamarr was a starlet in the golden age of Hollywood for MGM Studios, and they called her "the most beautiful woman on earth.
" But she was also an inventor, and she came up with technology that was originally used in combat but now is where we get Wi-Fi from.
So, like, the hottest chick on earth was saving lives and now is making sure we get reception in coffee shops.
So let's all bow down to Hedy Lamarr.
Welcome back to "Girl Code.
" When life gives you lemons, you should always ask our ladies.
We're answering your questions on Ask Girl Code.
A fan asks ohh Modern standards of beauty - are completely impractical - Yeah.
Completely unattainable.
You have to be good within because, uh, unfortunately, for everybody, looks do fade.
Yeah.
And when they do fade, you wanna feel like solid on the inside because that lasts a lot - longer than, like, your face.
- You know, it took me a long time to to get to like what you're saying where you're at, because especially being a woman - of color and living in L.
A - Yeah.
And like their standard is like skinny - Oh, yeah, L.
A.
's the worst.
- White, with blonde hair.
Yeah, it's like, fudge, and I - have these, you know, curves and - Yeah.
Meanwhile, like people look at you, like, "Oh, my God you're" stunning.
" Nobody wakes up and is like, "I'm ugly.
" They compare themselves to something else that's unachievable and they go, "I'm not that.
" It's great if you have a hot face and a hot bod, that's awesome, but it will fade eventually, so try to be like a solid person as well.
Everything sags.
Everything sags.
But personalities do not sag.
At Eddie F asks Ohh Is this his lady? You wanna know what? He's kind of a douche, but at the same time, it's like, "I'm not your taxi.
" And I remember I did that to a guy when I was in high school.
Every day, it would be like, "Are you gonna drive me home tonight?" And eventually, he was like, "Girl at least touch my (bleep).
" Right.
"Like, I can't just (bleep)" drive you home every day and you don't pay for gas and you're not "touching my (bleep).
" And I was like, "I'm gonna take the bus.
" @hellaradbaby.
- Fun handle, just fun - Yeah.
Asks Huh? "D hydrated," just letter "D," hydrated, or "Semen Demon"? Okay, we can all agree Semen Demon is pretty funny.
Is disgusting.
Semen Demon's awesome.
It's like, "I'm gonna get you.
" Yeah, no, it's awesome.
He's like a little, like, sperm.
He's like, "I'm an evil sperm!" No, but that's not what he means.
A Semen Demon means like she's trying to get extract the the the I'm trying to be the most If that's wait, but she's actually very giving, then, because a demon wouldn't be like helping people orgasm.
- She's a Semen Angel.
- She's a Semen Angel.
Yeah, Semen Angel.
She's the Semen Fairy.
I just feel like, why do we have to get the nickname? Exactly.
Like, I've never heard a guy like, a Vagina Warrior.
- Or something - You Vagina Monger.
As long as everybody keeps their hands off your boyfriend.
Right.
Then mind your own business.
It doesn't matter.
So it's like girls are not - sluts for having sex? - No.
And guys are not sluts for having sex.
Everybody just have sex with everybody.
That's what the thing is.
Let's have safe sex.
Safely.
And you don't have to touch a guy's (bleep) when he drives you home, but What was that? Corporate!
- Right.
- You shouldn't sit down and be like, "My resume on fleek.
" Listen up, ladies.
It's "Girl Code.
" On this episode of "Girl Code," sex isn't the most important thing in the world, but it sure feels that way when we're in a dry spell.
Also, there are a lot of things that we should stop doing.
So it's about time we talk about quitting.
Then our misinformed maidens get together to give you guidance on Ask Girl Code.
I remember, I did that to a guy when I was in high school.
Every day, it would be like, "Are you gonna drive me home tonight?" And eventually, he was like, "Girl, at least touch my (bleep).
" But first, it may be time to retire your favorite slang, for reals.
Slang is when you take words from the dictionary and you like jumble 'em up to sound really cool and give 'em like 19 different meanings.
You feel me? Slang is different what's in the dictionary 'cause it's cool.
I'm not a nerd over here trying to say big words.
You cut those words in half and add a "Z" at the end of it.
Bootylicious is in the dictionary.
Really? Sure is.
Beyonce's powerful.
My favorite all-time word ever is hella.
People still say hella? I don't know.
I feel like the white community gets 'em a little late.
Oh gotcha.
I like to say amazeballs and crazeballs a lot, um, I like to take random words like, you know, things that make me feel excited, and add "balls" on the end of it.
All my favorite slang words are from the '90s.
Like, I like still say whack.
I still say things are hot fire.
Cool, awesome, yeah, yeah.
I guess "yeah" is a word, so that's stupid.
Yas queen.
Yas Are you saying Yas Quinn or Yas queen.
- Quinn? - Queen.
- Quinn, that's my favorite - Queen.
Though, I use that so much.
Like, I'm just like, "That ass", though.
" "Those bangs, though.
" "Those jeans, though.
" People are like, "Shannon, stop", "just stop," but I'm like, "Okay, though.
" I think slang comes from hip-hop because like E-40 will start saying it, and then like Snoop Dogg will start saying it.
And then like Nicki Minaj and whoever else, and then like everyone's starting to use it.
I don't think bae was a thing until Beyonce came around and made bae a thing, which I like.
I like Bae.
Where I grew up, we would say "Jawn," meant anything.
So like, you'd be like, "Yo, pass me that jawn.
" "Do you like this jawn?" "Let's go that jawn.
" "Uh, what's the jawn?" It's kind of crazy.
It's gays.
Gays start a lot of slang.
Yeah, we do.
Gays are very not you ones.
I know.
The man ones.
What do gay women start? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
No, they started (bleep) and I wish I was cool when I first heard a slang word and I was like, "Yeah, I know" what that means.
" But I'm usually like, "What, what's that? What's that mean?" Remember that song like "Getting Slizzard"? And I was like "Is that like a slutty lizard?" Sometimes I have to go on urbandictionary.
com to find out what the children are tweeting me.
Your uncle kind of comes over, like, he's a little drunk and he has this beard.
He's not wearing a shirt and he has man boobs, and he kind of comes over and he's like, "So, uh, Trevor, what's a bedonkey?" If you don't know the slang, just tell 'em you don't know.
It'll be so much better than embarrassing yourself.
It'll feel better, like no one can fault you for just asking, I think, personally.
I didn't know what "thot" was for a long time.
I had to call my Negro colloquialism professor, Charlamagne Tha God, and ask him, "What's a thot?" And I texted her back, I said it's an acronym for - "That Hoe Over There.
" - Mm-hmm.
And she was like, "Oh, so I shouldn't take it as a compliment?" I'm like, "Well, I mean", - that's up to you.
" - Right.
Some people embrace their hoeism.
Look at Madonna, she's made a career off it.
Slang becomes too much when your Southwest flight attendant calls you "bae.
" I feel like a word is dead when you start seeing it on Facebook by your parents.
I love her to pieces, but freaking Hoda, when she recited Taylor Swift, she was like, "The haters are gonna" hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
"Players are gonna play, play.
" I was like, "(bleep), Hoda, now" I can't even listen to this song "anymore, and I liked it!" Slang is definitely over when it hits that point where like there's movies where like old ladies are saying it, and they're like, "That old lady" said that, whoa!" And you're like, "Okay, I'm" out.
" I wanna start a new slang, okay? You're gonna say about a girl, "Oh, she's extra foam, but no whip.
" Meaning, she's got a great butt, but she doesn't know how to (bleep).
We need to try to make "hood booger" happen because it just defines so many different things.
If your mail comes late, your mailman's a hood booger.
He ain't (bleep).
I think TOOB, T-O-O-B, the opposite of basic.
Opposite of basic.
I'm not a basic bitch.
I use the word veggie, and that's my slang, and it's for a vagina wedgie.
TMC, too many cats.
L'ainte.
When you're late, but you don't give a (bleep), so you're like leaning in, kind of you're like I'ainte.
Shunt bucket.
Can you make me a list of I'm not gonna be able to come home.
I don't know, I mean Find Eiffel.
Settle down, guys, please, be quiet.
We have been here for over 24 hours.
But they did not put us in charge of creating new Internet slang for nothin', okay? We made "basic" unbasic.
"Bye Felicia" more like this is the best thing in the world.
That Hilary texting meme? Good one! Okay, who's got something that's gonna wow me? I got it.
Anybody else have something? I do.
Fine, Daryl.
We have several contenders for this year's urban dictionary, all right? What about "and bitches," all right? Bitches.
I got "mexting," right? Yeah, "fuffling," right? Boo-boo Faluffeling.
Yeah.
What is "Fuffeling"? Fuffeling is when you're pooping at a friend's house and you feel like you have to fart loudly, so you wanna wrap a bunch of toilet paper in your hand and you kind of stick it up your butt so that it muffles the sound of the loud farts.
I'm doing it right now.
So you I still got a lot a little piece up there.
Okay, I like that.
Thank you.
- I like that a whole bunch.
- All right.
Let's just try to get it into some movies, yeah, that deserves a snap, handclap, whatever.
- For shizzle.
- No! Darryl, for shizzle? For sheezie? No, Daryl, that's also very old.
Okay.
Quinn, what do we have on the hashtag front? Hashtag no filter.
We're done with that, right? Done, yeah.
So this year, 2015, how about hashtag all the filters? - Oh, my God.
- "All da filters.
" Oh, my God, you made it better.
- "All da filters.
" - I do that.
- It's da bomb.
- It's da bomb.
Shut the (bleep) up, Daryl.
I will (bleep) you up after this meeting.
That's not fair.
I will, I'll (bleep) you right in the ear.
- In the ear? - Let's move on, Shalyah? On the selfie front, I'm thinking of a new one that I discovered when I feel in an aquarium last week.
Starfish.
Ahh.
Try it, it's really cool.
"Starfish.
" Yeah, um, Quinn, you're just covering your face.
You fell into an aquarium.
I don't hate it.
I don't love it.
I like it, Starfish Selfie.
Aquafina, what do you got? So I got the Cleveland Steamer that's so 1976, right? We got the Dirty Sanchez.
That's what my grandparents do.
How about this one, the Bette Fiddler.
Basically, you take your first wife and you (bleep) her right in the (bleep), right? Pretend this is a big, black (bleep) that you wanna insert.
There's a (bleep) that is chafing, a little bit (bleep), a little bit (bleep).
Hair loss, that's when you just (bleep) on a Brazilian (bleep).
So it works out well.
This (bleep) when the flame comes in, add the enema (bleep), and then you take a Snapchat.
That's it.
Thanks, guys.
That was amazing! That was great, but it was awkward, right, Nicole? No, Daryl, no.
Awkward is so, so ten years ago! You're fired.
Bye, Daryl.
Bye? - Get out of here, Daryl.
- Bye, Daryl.
You know what? YOLO, you only live once.
No, Daryl, I'll live forever! That's what's happening! I'm immortal.
Aah! Coming up If you don't remember the last time you hooked up, you're not alone.
My longest dry spell was over a year.
I was in a wheelchair for six months out of that year, but it's also like, who doesn't want to (bleep) a girl in a wheelchair? Girl Code - 04x01 Prom Welcome back to "Girl Code.
" There is a period of time that will most likely come more than once in your life.
Dry spells.
A dry spell is when your body is running low on vitamin P.
Penises.
Or (bleep) I don't know.
It's when you haven't had sex for a while, you know, so there's not a lot of moisture, so I think that's where "dry spell" comes from.
A dry spell is just tumbleweed in your vagina.
Or whatever.
Like a vulture.
Man, one time I didn't have sex for like a year.
And it as like, I wanted to, but I didn't like any of the guys I came into contact with.
And I was like, "You know what?" I'ma just keep letting this hair "grow over my vagina.
" My longest dry spell was over a year.
I was in a wheelchair for six months out of that year, but it's also like, who doesn't want to (bleep) a girl in a wheelchair? I've had a lot of long dry spells.
I-I'm like maybe sexually bipolar, I'd say, where sometimes I'm on and sometimes I'm just I'm off.
My longest dry spell after I started having sex was for two years.
My (bleep) was like, "Yeah", ooh-whee, here's some (bleep) "for me.
" And then my dad died and then it was like, "Well, the (bleep)" that mattered the most is gone.
" I gotta go.
I don't think anybody wants to hear about your dry spell that much.
A lot of girls are like sitting around, and they're like, "Oh", my gosh, I need to have sex.
I haven't had sex in such "a long time.
" And it's like, then shut up and go have sex with somebody then, already.
Maybe if you're telling a therapist, that's good 'cause they're getting paid, so they don't care.
Here's the thing.
I tell people I'm in a dry spell because that's my game, you know, so that they know like, "Oh, (bleep), her vag is" (bleep).
She's trying to (bleep).
"What's up?" Hey, don't get it twisted We know you girls got game, too.
A lot of you girls is out here, you know, you know, sleeping with everybody.
- Mm-hmm.
- But then you come to us and be like, "Oh, I'm having" a dry spell.
"I haven't been with anyone.
" Meanwhile, you just had three guys last month.
- Yeah.
- You know? - Yeah.
- And now all of a sudden you in a dry spell.
You don't gotta front for me "I'm a virgin.
" I'm like, "You have a kid.
" I think everybody goes through dry spells.
It's not a bad thing.
It's natural.
It is natural.
You can't be (bleep) all the time.
You can't ABF.
Nope.
Sorry.
All of that pent-up energy that you have, you can actually put towards things that are good for you, like put it into work, write a book, write a journal entry, like, I don't know why, but somehow journaling sounds comforting.
I think I'm less productive in a dry spell because I'm constantly distracted by the dry spell.
Like, I'll try and get work done, I'm like, "Man, but I" remember when I used to have "penises around me.
" I just think girls who embrace their dry spells get (bleep) done.
Look at Hilary Clinton.
She does not have a vagina anymore, and she's about to be president.
My longest dry spell was five years, man.
The struggle was so real, I'm like a born again virgin.
I used to actually live next to Alesha.
She was my neighbor.
I consider her a sister.
She was putting that self-imposed dry spell on herself, and I never could understand why.
Part of it was because I was going through really hard times, and another part of it was because I was trying to get myself together financially and career-wise.
She could've opened that store up for business anytime she wanted to.
Anytime, yeah, she would have a line around the block.
You would think there's new Jordans coming out of her.
- Absolutely.
- And I kept saying, "The next" guy I'm gonna have sex with, he's gonna marry me, he's gonna marry me 'cause my vagina's "gonna be so (bleep).
" When the dry spell is over, I feel like you walk out of your room the next day, and you're like, "Hello, everyone!" And people are like, "Oh", "you're glowing," and you wanna say, "I got some (bleep)" "yesterday," but that would be crass, so you just say, "I am? Thank you.
" I have mixed feelings.
Like, part of me's like, "Yeah", I'm back, I'm in the (bleep) "again," and the other part of me's like, "Oh, no, I'm back", I'm in the (bleep) again? Oh, (bleep), I gotta get my ass "(bleep) lasered again?" Coming up, we give up the wrong things.
I am a quitter, but only for the things that I shouldn't be quitting.
Like school and life.
And later, things get out of hand on Ask Girl Code.
- It's like, I'm gonna get you! - Yeah, no, it's awesome.
He's like a little, like, sperm.
He's like, "I need this here.
" "I need it," yeah.
Guys who hit on you when they're already taken, I can't.
The next time a guy flirts with me all night long and buys me a bunch of drinks just to tell me at the end of the night that he's like engaged, it's like guess what, it's 2015, it's not really that hard for me to get your girlfriend's phone number, okay? So just you're playing with fire, all right? I can't.
Welcome back to "Girl Code.
" What do doughnuts, your ex-boyfriend, and cigarettes all have in common? They're all amazing things that you need to quit.
Am I a quitter? No.
(bleep) No.
I'm out here to win.
I am not a quitter, and I actually think it's a bad thing 'cause sometimes I just don't know when to walk away from something.
I am a quitter but only for the things that I shouldn't be quitting like school and life.
I can't remember the last time I quit something that I should've quit, you know what I mean? On that note Things that you should quit are things that make you unhappy.
Get those things out of there.
You don't have to feel bad about them, like, smoking, stop.
Gross, wrap it up.
The two worst things that I could possibly do is eat Top Ramen every day and mess with my ex-boyfriend.
And I still do both of them (bleep).
Every Sunday, I'm like, "I'm staring my diet tomorrow.
" I'm gonna quit smoking next "week.
" And then every Monday, I'm like, "But food's so good and I love smoking.
" Uh, hardest habit I ever quit was drinking 'cause it was so fun.
I just quit cold turkey and I started going to AA every day.
You get a sponsor, it's kind of fun, you get a whole new group of friends.
And then I quit AA.
I realized like, oh, I was just like filling some kind of void with it.
It really was never about the cookies.
It was what the cookies represented.
Just kidding, I would never give up cookies, like that's sad.
I've quit every kind of job you can imagine.
Bartending, catering.
I danced at bar mitzvahs.
You know it's time to quit your job when you cry every, single day.
It starts, you're crying before work, then you're starting the need to cry at work.
You're crying in the bathroom and then you're just full-on sobbing at your desk on top of the puppy calendar that the temp left.
I think you have to plan out what your next source of income will be before you quit.
That's smart.
But keep looking into that I feel like you haven't done that before.
- Sure not.
- Yeah.
So once you've decided, yes, this is definitely something I should quit, you have to have a game plan to figure out how to quit.
I came into your office today to tell you I'm quitting.
That's right, I'm tired of being taken advantage of at this company! Listen, I know you're trying to motivate me, all right, but I've had sex and I've tried drugs.
I'm sorry, Cupcake Monday's not doing it for me! Ha ha! I've been stealing toilet paper from here the whole time.
I'm out of here, mother(bleep), you suck.
Yo, (bleep) y'all.
Get this desk out of here! You're a (bleep) idiot, and you're a (bleep) idiot, and you're a (bleep) idiot, and you're a (bleep) idiot.
And I'm taking all the Post-its! Argh! I rip my shirt open.
That's right, my tits are out.
You can't fire me, though, 'cause I quit! Yes! Coming up, Ask Girl Code tells it like it is.
But she's actually very giving, then, because a demon wouldn't be like helping people Or she's a Semen Angel.
She's a Semen Angel.
Let's all take a minute and bow down to Hedy Lamarr.
Hedy Lamarr was a starlet in the golden age of Hollywood for MGM Studios, and they called her "the most beautiful woman on earth.
" But she was also an inventor, and she came up with technology that was originally used in combat but now is where we get Wi-Fi from.
So, like, the hottest chick on earth was saving lives and now is making sure we get reception in coffee shops.
So let's all bow down to Hedy Lamarr.
Welcome back to "Girl Code.
" When life gives you lemons, you should always ask our ladies.
We're answering your questions on Ask Girl Code.
A fan asks ohh Modern standards of beauty - are completely impractical - Yeah.
Completely unattainable.
You have to be good within because, uh, unfortunately, for everybody, looks do fade.
Yeah.
And when they do fade, you wanna feel like solid on the inside because that lasts a lot - longer than, like, your face.
- You know, it took me a long time to to get to like what you're saying where you're at, because especially being a woman - of color and living in L.
A - Yeah.
And like their standard is like skinny - Oh, yeah, L.
A.
's the worst.
- White, with blonde hair.
Yeah, it's like, fudge, and I - have these, you know, curves and - Yeah.
Meanwhile, like people look at you, like, "Oh, my God you're" stunning.
" Nobody wakes up and is like, "I'm ugly.
" They compare themselves to something else that's unachievable and they go, "I'm not that.
" It's great if you have a hot face and a hot bod, that's awesome, but it will fade eventually, so try to be like a solid person as well.
Everything sags.
Everything sags.
But personalities do not sag.
At Eddie F asks Ohh Is this his lady? You wanna know what? He's kind of a douche, but at the same time, it's like, "I'm not your taxi.
" And I remember I did that to a guy when I was in high school.
Every day, it would be like, "Are you gonna drive me home tonight?" And eventually, he was like, "Girl at least touch my (bleep).
" Right.
"Like, I can't just (bleep)" drive you home every day and you don't pay for gas and you're not "touching my (bleep).
" And I was like, "I'm gonna take the bus.
" @hellaradbaby.
- Fun handle, just fun - Yeah.
Asks Huh? "D hydrated," just letter "D," hydrated, or "Semen Demon"? Okay, we can all agree Semen Demon is pretty funny.
Is disgusting.
Semen Demon's awesome.
It's like, "I'm gonna get you.
" Yeah, no, it's awesome.
He's like a little, like, sperm.
He's like, "I'm an evil sperm!" No, but that's not what he means.
A Semen Demon means like she's trying to get extract the the the I'm trying to be the most If that's wait, but she's actually very giving, then, because a demon wouldn't be like helping people orgasm.
- She's a Semen Angel.
- She's a Semen Angel.
Yeah, Semen Angel.
She's the Semen Fairy.
I just feel like, why do we have to get the nickname? Exactly.
Like, I've never heard a guy like, a Vagina Warrior.
- Or something - You Vagina Monger.
As long as everybody keeps their hands off your boyfriend.
Right.
Then mind your own business.
It doesn't matter.
So it's like girls are not - sluts for having sex? - No.
And guys are not sluts for having sex.
Everybody just have sex with everybody.
That's what the thing is.
Let's have safe sex.
Safely.
And you don't have to touch a guy's (bleep) when he drives you home, but What was that? Corporate!