Grown-ish (2018) s04e01 Episode Script
Ugh, Those Feels Again
1
Si te hicieron daño
Ven pa darte tu remedio
No perdamos tiempo
Vamos a montarnos en esta
nota que está heavy, heavy
You know when you're watching
a romantic comedy
or reading a romance novel
or, in my case, reading the
CliffsNotes to a romance novel,
and the anticipation builds and builds
to that one special moment
where everything magically
falls into place
and those characters
you have been rooting for
finally get together?
Well, for me, this is that moment.
Hey, bae.
Hey.
Yeah, that's right.
We are officially baes now two weeks and going strong.
ZOEY: I mean, we've had some ups and downs.
Dale, pégate Que aquà se vale todo, todo, todo, todo, todo Aaron, as much as I love you, I can't start our story like this.
I love you, too.
I want our story to start now.
Like right now.
Vamos a montarnos en esta nota que está heavy, heavy - [Cellphone chimes.]
- Oh.
[Cellphone bloops.]
[Gasps.]
Aar Bear, they're here.
- We've talked about this.
- Hmm? We're not gonna make "Aar Bear" a thing, right? - Right.
Of course not, Aar Bear.
- Right.
Okay, I am so sorry for that one.
Last time, I promise.
Let's go! I said, "Hasta luego, mami, fuego" Pipe me down, he bilingual, daddy leggo Yo quiero And he said, "Ay, mami, me vuelves loco" I bad lil' mami like soca ZOEY: Since this was the summer before our senior year and our chances to make those special college moments together would be coming to an end, I wanted to go big extra big, grande even by organizing a weekend for all of us to drink, bond, and make new memories in Mexico.
Know what you like, muy attractivo All right, welcome shots this way, everybody.
Okay, guys, glasses up.
In the spirit of us being together and getting back to our freshman days of all love, zero drama, loads of fun, this weekend, I have planned nonstop activities from sunrise to sunset! Can I get an "olé"?! Olé, baby.
Thanks, babe.
But anyone else? Olé? Olé? Yeah, no, we're really not trying to be around you like that.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
- Ooh! No me gusta this moment.
Watch out, world, I'm grown now I'm grown Learn something new every day I don't know, so I'mma feel my way Got the weight of the world on me But no regrets, this is what I say Watch out, world, I'm grown now - I'm grown - You can tell me My heart beating so loud Mama, look, I'm grown now I'm grown Look, Zo, it's nothing personal.
But, you know, on the car ride here, after we decided that Dave Chappelle and Bokeem Woodbine are pretty much the same person, we also decided that nobody should feel obligated to entertain the other and be attached at the hip all weekend.
Right, but this is also a group trip, which means we do group activities.
I mean, I even have a mariachi band coming later.
Do you know how lucky we are to have the Hernandez Hermanas Trio? - Did we get them? - Yes.
They only play cartel weddings and the Univision Awards.
And as much as I'd be honored to get it crackin' to "La Cucaracha," the thing is, we all just want to chill and do our own thing separately, a "you do you" weekend.
But what fun is a "you do you" weekend? I want us to do each other.
I heard it.
I heard it.
Mm, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm here vacationing with my ex.
And, normally, Sky would be here as a buffer, but she's still in Tokyo.
So, obviously, I would like to avoid the group activities.
I mean, my ex is here, too.
Yeah, but you and Luca are both weird as hell.
Yeah, a truer statement has never been said.
And, honestly, though, I just need to, like, clear my head, and I have to stop obsessing over Phil, because the dude seriously has yet to respond to a single text since I told him that he has a daughter.
Oof! A White deadbeat daddy definitely trumps a Black ex on vacay.
- Oh, you do you, girl.
- Thank you.
And, Ana, you have been awfully quiet.
What's your "you do you" excuse? Uh, you know, I personally would rather use this time to, uh, to to reconnect with Javi.
I haven't seen him since he went home two weeks ago.
And F.
Y.
I.
, he's landing here in a couple hours.
Yay! Surprise! I'm sorry.
He's Javi's coming here? - Yeah.
- Well, I thought you thought he was cheating on you with "Somebody.
" - Oh, that part.
- Yes.
- Right.
- That was the old me.
I've since decided to take a more mature approach.
Yeah, no more no more snooping.
- Oh.
- Yeah, no, I'm done.
Okay, fine.
I couldn't get into his dumb-ass tablet.
But you know what? I really took this as a sign to just let go and let God.
- Hmm.
- Well, the point is, Zoey, we all just have so much going on in our lives, and we want to use this trip to reset.
And as grateful as we are to you for all the thoughtful planning - Mm-hmm.
- we just want to do us.
Can I get an "olé"?! - Olé! - Olé! - Olé.
- Okay, love you.
- Bye, Zo-Zo.
- Love you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[Sighs.]
What are you guys doing? You okay? Oh, I'm great, actually.
See, they think they want nothing to do with my little weekend, but they're gonna play with me whether they like it or not.
Well, I'll play with you whether you like it or not.
Yeah, no, that didn't ring right.
Um, I mean like more of a, uh, consensual, respectful, a lot of eye contact.
You know what I mean? Uh, never mind.
Just I think it's best whenever you let me know that that you're in the mood.
Then I'll be in the mood.
We can be in the mood.
Yeah, and these I brought for you, so What'd you say? You're in the mood? Sun block? It's SPF 70.
No, I'm Black, man.
Having melanin does not prevent skin cancer.
You know my buddy La'Rance? He's very Black and very sick.
I'm also very Black and very sick.
Of you, man.
Oh, wait.
I know when I see a man suffering.
Heidi broke my heart when she dumped me, too.
This is about Jazz.
It's not about Jazz.
It's definitely about Jazz.
Mind hitting my back? Vivek, I'm not rubbing lotion on your back, man.
Yo, why are you even here? Shouldn't you be back in Cali after your little drug bust? Actually, I'm good.
I got that lawyer - who defends all the revenge-porn dudes.
- Here you are.
Awful person.
Definitely going to hell.
Definitely gets results.
- SERVER: And for you, sir.
- Hey.
Anyway, he told me since I'm not a flight risk and I paid such a high bond to enjoy my downtime before my court date, when we show them how justice is served.
So, for now, come on.
A quick toast to doing us.
L'chaim! Hey-oh! Although my crew insisted on a "you do you" weekend, I knew there was one thing that would let us do us before we went our separate ways for the night.
A good old-fashioned pregame.
No one else gonna get it like that So why argue? You yell But you take me back With everyone in a good mood thanks to the copious amounts of alcohol, I figured out a fun way to keep the party going.
Pretty young thing want that OG crack A friendly little game of "Most Likely To.
" Do the D'Ussé with a touch of DeLeón Most likely to join the mile-high club.
[Chuckles.]
Me.
I mean, obviously.
I did it on the way here.
F.
Y.
I.
, altitude does some weird stuff to your nuts, like swelling and such.
Okay, I am up.
- Go get 'em, babe.
- Scusi.
- Sorry, sorry.
- VIVEK: That was the predetermined order.
[Humming.]
And I think I'm just gonna choose another one.
Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh! No, no, no.
You pick it, you read it.
House rules.
- Come on.
- No, do I really Thank you.
Mm! "Who's most likely to cheat?" Now I see why you wanted to cop out.
No, no.
Because i-it's not even like that.
Theoretically, I didn't cheat on Rochelle.
- Aaron did.
- Really, Zoey? - What - That's just bad sportsmanship.
Come on.
No, babe, it's not even like that.
She came for me.
I wanted to clarify.
I wasn't even coming for you like that.
I was actually referring to the time you cheated on your midterm and almost got expelled, but, you know [chuckles.]
outing your man works too.
That's crazy.
When I heard "cheating," my mind immediately went to Jazz.
- Pff! - Preach! [Laughter.]
Seriously, do not make me come for you for real, because we all know who would be most likely to accuse someone of cheating when they really didn't.
No, no, no.
We all know who that really is, right? Ana, "Somebody.
" What's she talking about? Nothing.
She's postpartum.
Honestly, Nomi? You really want to go there? Just lighten up.
It's a game, okay? We're just, like, having fun.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I get it.
Okay.
So then I have one.
All right, who is such an ice queen, she is most likely to be a single mom - for the rest of her life? - No.
- Oh.
- [Whistles.]
Oh! [Bleep.]
you.
See? You happy now? Your smart-ass comment ruined the vibe, just like you ruined our relationship.
I ruined the relationship, but not you trying to get friendly with the hurdle jumper's nut-sack, right? - She belongs to the streets! - Oh, indeed.
Oh, was that you, Luca? Because last time I checked, you should be worried about your weird-ass open relationship with Jillian, who we all know was just your rebound after Zoey dropped your stupid ass.
And where she rebounded is not much better.
I'm sorry.
Did I just hear someone who's perhaps still in love with me talking? 'Cause you of all people should know I am the realest Zoey's ever had.
The goofiest, as well.
I mean, let's not forget the whole start of their relationship was some goofy shit.
I'm sorry.
You want to run that by me again? - What'd you say? - Oh, you you heard me, king.
Okay, enough! Are y'all serious? Like, are we for real right now? Is this all we can do together, is fight and insult each other? No, I got it.
It's on me, because I was so stupid to think we could have one fun moment like we used to.
That was freshman year, Zoey.
People change.
Obviously, Ana, and not for the better.
You know what? You get what you want, because I'm done trying to bring us all together.
You want a "you do you" weekend, then go do yourselves.
Actually, you know what? I take that back.
Screw yourselves and this childish bullshit.
Babe Damn.
Oh! [Mariachi band playing.]
- All right! - That went poorly.
Well, guess it's my turn.
What I'd hoped would be a fun, harmless game to recapture that freshman-year magic had become an airing of repressed grievances that pushed us even further apart.
- Figured you could use this.
- Mm! - Yeah.
- Thank you.
How you doing? You okay? - I mean, you know.
- Yeah.
Look, I know you wanted to do all these nice things for your friends, but if they can't appreciate you or your efforts to make this a dope trip, then screw 'em.
- Yeah.
- What I've realized, though, while you've been sitting here worrying about all this drama, you forgot something.
What did I forget? That we are in a beautiful foreign country, Zoey, with a variety of tequila options and cheap nightlife options, and we have yet to go on an official first date.
No, we've been on a Wow, you're right.
We haven't.
Yes, I know.
Which is why, tonight, I'm taking you out to experience the very best first date of your life.
- Yeah? - Just you and me, us doing us.
Or we could go do each other right now, literally.
- No? - No.
- Aar Bear, stop it! - Yes.
He's crazy.
I have a problem.
Yo que se que te haces la seria Pero lo tuyo es la maldad Cuando escucha la baterÃa Veo que se empieza a soltar [Sighs.]
Little word of unsolicited advice, - but it will cost you.
- What? You got to stop letting her get to you, man.
[Scoffs.]
Bro, you buggin'.
Ain't nobody thinking about Jazz, man.
So how do you know I'm talking about Jazz if you're not thinking about Jazz? Hey, man, get out of here with your little mind tricks, all right? Look, just come out with us tonight.
I linked up with two local baddies, and we're just gonna hit the town.
Wrong, bud.
I'mma kick it right here.
Okay, well, I usually wouldn't press you, but I need you to do me this solid, 'cause they don't speak any English, I don't speak any Spanish, and you speak both.
[Sighs.]
I mean, I do know my way around el alfabeto.
And they are bad.
Let's get it.
Let's go.
[Snaps fingers.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
- [Women giggle.]
- What'd you say? I said it's a pleasure to meet them.
I don't know why they laughin'.
Maybe they dumb.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
Am I gonna have to do this for every outfit change this weekend? Yes.
Why do you think I invited you? - Andale.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
Okay, all right.
Let me see.
Stop! Okay, not Let me see.
Please let there be something in there that you like.
- Oh, I kind of like this one.
- Yeah? Yeah.
I just have to Facetune my knees.
All right! Well, while you do that, I am gonna go grab a shower.
Okay.
But you better join me in there before the hot water runs out.
- Okay.
- If not, I'm posting your unfiltered knees.
- [Gasps.]
- [Speaks Spanish.]
You're so mean.
[Door closes.]
[Water running.]
[Tablet chimes.]
This shower looks amazing.
Really? I'm almost done here.
Hurry it up! Coming.
Just a little peek.
Yo, are you coming? You have a freakin' STD?! - [Tablet shatters.]
- Yo! Huh?! So, Aaron was right.
Instead of wasting my time trying to force moments with my undeserving crew, I decided to focus on making moments with the one person who deserved it most.
Solo una vez me tuvo y se, se enamoro Y no me gusta cuando me pregunta Si yo soy tu novio, eso me asusta Solomante quiero que tu entiendas Somos amigos solo pa' mientras Y yo se lo que tu quieres es un hombre para ti Y yo se lo que tu quieres no me lo pides a mi Yo no senti, no [Ding!.]
Thank you, sir.
Oh, gracias.
- Good job.
- Thank you.
Actually, like, seriously, thank you for an amazing first date and for always just knowing exactly what to say and what to do to make me feel better and for being you.
Thank you.
Well, it is what I do.
But no need to thank me.
I really do love being in this crazy drunken moment with you.
Yeah? - Green slushie.
- [Laughs.]
Wait.
You know, we should put the you know, the stuff, huh? - While in Mexico.
- Absolutely! - In here.
- So, what is next? I don't know, but it's not gonna top you stealing a piñata.
That's for sure.
What? What are you doing? Upping me stealing a piñata and, uh, living in this crazy, drunken moment with you.
- Hmm? - Let's go.
All the ways you can In my efforts to put my six months of adulthood behind me and recapture the magical moments of my earliest college memories Oh, my God! - Can I see? - Look "husband.
" I managed to dive headfirst into my most adult moment yet.
Oh, my God.
I mean, did we really just do this? I think we did.
Let me see the ring.
You got to pose with it.
Look at my ring.
Does it look cool, like, when I go to put on my jacket like this? - Yes! - Oh, my God.
I can't believe we got married.
- Wow.
- Wait.
Can I see? Can I see? Wow.
Yes.
Holy shit.
Holy I cannot believe I fell for your whole celibate-Christian act.
You love Jesus? No, more like you love nasty, unprotected sexual intercourse! I used to love nasty, unprotected sexual intercourse, but now I love my faith and my celibacy.
- Yo, and you.
- Then how the hell did you get chlamydia from "Somebody," Javi?! And who the hell is "Somebody," anyway? A random one-night stand I had before I became celibate or met you.
Saved her name in my phone as "Somebody.
" Yeah, somebody who gave you chlamydia.
Yo, Ana, can you chill? My test results came back negative.
I didn't say anything 'cause I didn't want you to trip for no reason.
Maybe if you would have come to me and asked about it, I could have explained that, instead of just snooping through my tablet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you really trying to turn this around on me? You hacked my tablet.
You hacked my sexual health! Oh, you're out of your mind, bro.
Oh! No, no, no, no.
Watch this.
I am actually out of here! Don't ever call me again! Are you leaving? - Yeah.
- Good.
You know what, Nomi? I am so sorry for what I said earlier, okay? It was totally out of line, and it's me who's gonna end up alone for the rest of her life, 'cause I only know how to date assholes! What Uh, what's going on? [Sobs.]
Okay, just come here.
Come here.
Come on.
If it makes you feel any better - Mm-hmm.
- Javi probably gave me chlamydia.
Yeah, it actually does.
Thank you.
[Crying.]
It's okay.
MAN: Buenas noches.
Gracias.
[Dog barking in distance.]
- DOUG: Yo, bro.
- [Taxi door closes.]
So, none of this seems sketchy to you? No one's around, and we're outside of what may or may not be a trap house.
I mean, worst-case scenario, it's where El Chapo hides the bodies.
I don't, you know, see the problemo.
[Woman speaking Spanish.]
Keep all of your secrets from me [Grunts.]
Wow.
Whew! So, how'd it feel to make love to your husband on the white sands of Mexico? Well, the first few minutes were just a little awkward.
Well, maybe because I Well, I told you that I had drank, um I drank a lot of tequila.
- And there's also a breeze - Okay, but - coming this way.
- but it ended up being amazing.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
I love you, Mr.
Jackson.
I love you, Mrs.
Jackson.
Mm-hmm.
Of all these different voices Screaming in my head Am I to blame [Siren chirps.]
OFFICER: Hands up! On your feet! What what - Oh, my Oh, my God! - Oh, snap.
Uh LUCA: Yo, you coming, bro? DOUG: This is such a mistake, man.
What the hell? Exactly what I thought.
It's a quinceañera.
Exactly what you thought? Yeah.
Hey, bae.
Hey.
Yeah, that's right.
We are officially baes now two weeks and going strong.
ZOEY: I mean, we've had some ups and downs.
Dale, pégate Que aquà se vale todo, todo, todo, todo, todo Aaron, as much as I love you, I can't start our story like this.
I love you, too.
I want our story to start now.
Like right now.
Vamos a montarnos en esta nota que está heavy, heavy - [Cellphone chimes.]
- Oh.
[Cellphone bloops.]
[Gasps.]
Aar Bear, they're here.
- We've talked about this.
- Hmm? We're not gonna make "Aar Bear" a thing, right? - Right.
Of course not, Aar Bear.
- Right.
Okay, I am so sorry for that one.
Last time, I promise.
Let's go! I said, "Hasta luego, mami, fuego" Pipe me down, he bilingual, daddy leggo Yo quiero And he said, "Ay, mami, me vuelves loco" I bad lil' mami like soca ZOEY: Since this was the summer before our senior year and our chances to make those special college moments together would be coming to an end, I wanted to go big extra big, grande even by organizing a weekend for all of us to drink, bond, and make new memories in Mexico.
Know what you like, muy attractivo All right, welcome shots this way, everybody.
Okay, guys, glasses up.
In the spirit of us being together and getting back to our freshman days of all love, zero drama, loads of fun, this weekend, I have planned nonstop activities from sunrise to sunset! Can I get an "olé"?! Olé, baby.
Thanks, babe.
But anyone else? Olé? Olé? Yeah, no, we're really not trying to be around you like that.
- Mnh-mnh.
- Oh.
- Hmm.
- Ooh! No me gusta this moment.
Watch out, world, I'm grown now I'm grown Learn something new every day I don't know, so I'mma feel my way Got the weight of the world on me But no regrets, this is what I say Watch out, world, I'm grown now - I'm grown - You can tell me My heart beating so loud Mama, look, I'm grown now I'm grown Look, Zo, it's nothing personal.
But, you know, on the car ride here, after we decided that Dave Chappelle and Bokeem Woodbine are pretty much the same person, we also decided that nobody should feel obligated to entertain the other and be attached at the hip all weekend.
Right, but this is also a group trip, which means we do group activities.
I mean, I even have a mariachi band coming later.
Do you know how lucky we are to have the Hernandez Hermanas Trio? - Did we get them? - Yes.
They only play cartel weddings and the Univision Awards.
And as much as I'd be honored to get it crackin' to "La Cucaracha," the thing is, we all just want to chill and do our own thing separately, a "you do you" weekend.
But what fun is a "you do you" weekend? I want us to do each other.
I heard it.
I heard it.
Mm, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm here vacationing with my ex.
And, normally, Sky would be here as a buffer, but she's still in Tokyo.
So, obviously, I would like to avoid the group activities.
I mean, my ex is here, too.
Yeah, but you and Luca are both weird as hell.
Yeah, a truer statement has never been said.
And, honestly, though, I just need to, like, clear my head, and I have to stop obsessing over Phil, because the dude seriously has yet to respond to a single text since I told him that he has a daughter.
Oof! A White deadbeat daddy definitely trumps a Black ex on vacay.
- Oh, you do you, girl.
- Thank you.
And, Ana, you have been awfully quiet.
What's your "you do you" excuse? Uh, you know, I personally would rather use this time to, uh, to to reconnect with Javi.
I haven't seen him since he went home two weeks ago.
And F.
Y.
I.
, he's landing here in a couple hours.
Yay! Surprise! I'm sorry.
He's Javi's coming here? - Yeah.
- Well, I thought you thought he was cheating on you with "Somebody.
" - Oh, that part.
- Yes.
- Right.
- That was the old me.
I've since decided to take a more mature approach.
Yeah, no more no more snooping.
- Oh.
- Yeah, no, I'm done.
Okay, fine.
I couldn't get into his dumb-ass tablet.
But you know what? I really took this as a sign to just let go and let God.
- Hmm.
- Well, the point is, Zoey, we all just have so much going on in our lives, and we want to use this trip to reset.
And as grateful as we are to you for all the thoughtful planning - Mm-hmm.
- we just want to do us.
Can I get an "olé"?! - Olé! - Olé! - Olé.
- Okay, love you.
- Bye, Zo-Zo.
- Love you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[Sighs.]
What are you guys doing? You okay? Oh, I'm great, actually.
See, they think they want nothing to do with my little weekend, but they're gonna play with me whether they like it or not.
Well, I'll play with you whether you like it or not.
Yeah, no, that didn't ring right.
Um, I mean like more of a, uh, consensual, respectful, a lot of eye contact.
You know what I mean? Uh, never mind.
Just I think it's best whenever you let me know that that you're in the mood.
Then I'll be in the mood.
We can be in the mood.
Yeah, and these I brought for you, so What'd you say? You're in the mood? Sun block? It's SPF 70.
No, I'm Black, man.
Having melanin does not prevent skin cancer.
You know my buddy La'Rance? He's very Black and very sick.
I'm also very Black and very sick.
Of you, man.
Oh, wait.
I know when I see a man suffering.
Heidi broke my heart when she dumped me, too.
This is about Jazz.
It's not about Jazz.
It's definitely about Jazz.
Mind hitting my back? Vivek, I'm not rubbing lotion on your back, man.
Yo, why are you even here? Shouldn't you be back in Cali after your little drug bust? Actually, I'm good.
I got that lawyer - who defends all the revenge-porn dudes.
- Here you are.
Awful person.
Definitely going to hell.
Definitely gets results.
- SERVER: And for you, sir.
- Hey.
Anyway, he told me since I'm not a flight risk and I paid such a high bond to enjoy my downtime before my court date, when we show them how justice is served.
So, for now, come on.
A quick toast to doing us.
L'chaim! Hey-oh! Although my crew insisted on a "you do you" weekend, I knew there was one thing that would let us do us before we went our separate ways for the night.
A good old-fashioned pregame.
No one else gonna get it like that So why argue? You yell But you take me back With everyone in a good mood thanks to the copious amounts of alcohol, I figured out a fun way to keep the party going.
Pretty young thing want that OG crack A friendly little game of "Most Likely To.
" Do the D'Ussé with a touch of DeLeón Most likely to join the mile-high club.
[Chuckles.]
Me.
I mean, obviously.
I did it on the way here.
F.
Y.
I.
, altitude does some weird stuff to your nuts, like swelling and such.
Okay, I am up.
- Go get 'em, babe.
- Scusi.
- Sorry, sorry.
- VIVEK: That was the predetermined order.
[Humming.]
And I think I'm just gonna choose another one.
Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh! No, no, no.
You pick it, you read it.
House rules.
- Come on.
- No, do I really Thank you.
Mm! "Who's most likely to cheat?" Now I see why you wanted to cop out.
No, no.
Because i-it's not even like that.
Theoretically, I didn't cheat on Rochelle.
- Aaron did.
- Really, Zoey? - What - That's just bad sportsmanship.
Come on.
No, babe, it's not even like that.
She came for me.
I wanted to clarify.
I wasn't even coming for you like that.
I was actually referring to the time you cheated on your midterm and almost got expelled, but, you know [chuckles.]
outing your man works too.
That's crazy.
When I heard "cheating," my mind immediately went to Jazz.
- Pff! - Preach! [Laughter.]
Seriously, do not make me come for you for real, because we all know who would be most likely to accuse someone of cheating when they really didn't.
No, no, no.
We all know who that really is, right? Ana, "Somebody.
" What's she talking about? Nothing.
She's postpartum.
Honestly, Nomi? You really want to go there? Just lighten up.
It's a game, okay? We're just, like, having fun.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I get it.
Okay.
So then I have one.
All right, who is such an ice queen, she is most likely to be a single mom - for the rest of her life? - No.
- Oh.
- [Whistles.]
Oh! [Bleep.]
you.
See? You happy now? Your smart-ass comment ruined the vibe, just like you ruined our relationship.
I ruined the relationship, but not you trying to get friendly with the hurdle jumper's nut-sack, right? - She belongs to the streets! - Oh, indeed.
Oh, was that you, Luca? Because last time I checked, you should be worried about your weird-ass open relationship with Jillian, who we all know was just your rebound after Zoey dropped your stupid ass.
And where she rebounded is not much better.
I'm sorry.
Did I just hear someone who's perhaps still in love with me talking? 'Cause you of all people should know I am the realest Zoey's ever had.
The goofiest, as well.
I mean, let's not forget the whole start of their relationship was some goofy shit.
I'm sorry.
You want to run that by me again? - What'd you say? - Oh, you you heard me, king.
Okay, enough! Are y'all serious? Like, are we for real right now? Is this all we can do together, is fight and insult each other? No, I got it.
It's on me, because I was so stupid to think we could have one fun moment like we used to.
That was freshman year, Zoey.
People change.
Obviously, Ana, and not for the better.
You know what? You get what you want, because I'm done trying to bring us all together.
You want a "you do you" weekend, then go do yourselves.
Actually, you know what? I take that back.
Screw yourselves and this childish bullshit.
Babe Damn.
Oh! [Mariachi band playing.]
- All right! - That went poorly.
Well, guess it's my turn.
What I'd hoped would be a fun, harmless game to recapture that freshman-year magic had become an airing of repressed grievances that pushed us even further apart.
- Figured you could use this.
- Mm! - Yeah.
- Thank you.
How you doing? You okay? - I mean, you know.
- Yeah.
Look, I know you wanted to do all these nice things for your friends, but if they can't appreciate you or your efforts to make this a dope trip, then screw 'em.
- Yeah.
- What I've realized, though, while you've been sitting here worrying about all this drama, you forgot something.
What did I forget? That we are in a beautiful foreign country, Zoey, with a variety of tequila options and cheap nightlife options, and we have yet to go on an official first date.
No, we've been on a Wow, you're right.
We haven't.
Yes, I know.
Which is why, tonight, I'm taking you out to experience the very best first date of your life.
- Yeah? - Just you and me, us doing us.
Or we could go do each other right now, literally.
- No? - No.
- Aar Bear, stop it! - Yes.
He's crazy.
I have a problem.
Yo que se que te haces la seria Pero lo tuyo es la maldad Cuando escucha la baterÃa Veo que se empieza a soltar [Sighs.]
Little word of unsolicited advice, - but it will cost you.
- What? You got to stop letting her get to you, man.
[Scoffs.]
Bro, you buggin'.
Ain't nobody thinking about Jazz, man.
So how do you know I'm talking about Jazz if you're not thinking about Jazz? Hey, man, get out of here with your little mind tricks, all right? Look, just come out with us tonight.
I linked up with two local baddies, and we're just gonna hit the town.
Wrong, bud.
I'mma kick it right here.
Okay, well, I usually wouldn't press you, but I need you to do me this solid, 'cause they don't speak any English, I don't speak any Spanish, and you speak both.
[Sighs.]
I mean, I do know my way around el alfabeto.
And they are bad.
Let's get it.
Let's go.
[Snaps fingers.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
- [Women giggle.]
- What'd you say? I said it's a pleasure to meet them.
I don't know why they laughin'.
Maybe they dumb.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
Am I gonna have to do this for every outfit change this weekend? Yes.
Why do you think I invited you? - Andale.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
Okay, all right.
Let me see.
Stop! Okay, not Let me see.
Please let there be something in there that you like.
- Oh, I kind of like this one.
- Yeah? Yeah.
I just have to Facetune my knees.
All right! Well, while you do that, I am gonna go grab a shower.
Okay.
But you better join me in there before the hot water runs out.
- Okay.
- If not, I'm posting your unfiltered knees.
- [Gasps.]
- [Speaks Spanish.]
You're so mean.
[Door closes.]
[Water running.]
[Tablet chimes.]
This shower looks amazing.
Really? I'm almost done here.
Hurry it up! Coming.
Just a little peek.
Yo, are you coming? You have a freakin' STD?! - [Tablet shatters.]
- Yo! Huh?! So, Aaron was right.
Instead of wasting my time trying to force moments with my undeserving crew, I decided to focus on making moments with the one person who deserved it most.
Solo una vez me tuvo y se, se enamoro Y no me gusta cuando me pregunta Si yo soy tu novio, eso me asusta Solomante quiero que tu entiendas Somos amigos solo pa' mientras Y yo se lo que tu quieres es un hombre para ti Y yo se lo que tu quieres no me lo pides a mi Yo no senti, no [Ding!.]
Thank you, sir.
Oh, gracias.
- Good job.
- Thank you.
Actually, like, seriously, thank you for an amazing first date and for always just knowing exactly what to say and what to do to make me feel better and for being you.
Thank you.
Well, it is what I do.
But no need to thank me.
I really do love being in this crazy drunken moment with you.
Yeah? - Green slushie.
- [Laughs.]
Wait.
You know, we should put the you know, the stuff, huh? - While in Mexico.
- Absolutely! - In here.
- So, what is next? I don't know, but it's not gonna top you stealing a piñata.
That's for sure.
What? What are you doing? Upping me stealing a piñata and, uh, living in this crazy, drunken moment with you.
- Hmm? - Let's go.
All the ways you can In my efforts to put my six months of adulthood behind me and recapture the magical moments of my earliest college memories Oh, my God! - Can I see? - Look "husband.
" I managed to dive headfirst into my most adult moment yet.
Oh, my God.
I mean, did we really just do this? I think we did.
Let me see the ring.
You got to pose with it.
Look at my ring.
Does it look cool, like, when I go to put on my jacket like this? - Yes! - Oh, my God.
I can't believe we got married.
- Wow.
- Wait.
Can I see? Can I see? Wow.
Yes.
Holy shit.
Holy I cannot believe I fell for your whole celibate-Christian act.
You love Jesus? No, more like you love nasty, unprotected sexual intercourse! I used to love nasty, unprotected sexual intercourse, but now I love my faith and my celibacy.
- Yo, and you.
- Then how the hell did you get chlamydia from "Somebody," Javi?! And who the hell is "Somebody," anyway? A random one-night stand I had before I became celibate or met you.
Saved her name in my phone as "Somebody.
" Yeah, somebody who gave you chlamydia.
Yo, Ana, can you chill? My test results came back negative.
I didn't say anything 'cause I didn't want you to trip for no reason.
Maybe if you would have come to me and asked about it, I could have explained that, instead of just snooping through my tablet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you really trying to turn this around on me? You hacked my tablet.
You hacked my sexual health! Oh, you're out of your mind, bro.
Oh! No, no, no, no.
Watch this.
I am actually out of here! Don't ever call me again! Are you leaving? - Yeah.
- Good.
You know what, Nomi? I am so sorry for what I said earlier, okay? It was totally out of line, and it's me who's gonna end up alone for the rest of her life, 'cause I only know how to date assholes! What Uh, what's going on? [Sobs.]
Okay, just come here.
Come here.
Come on.
If it makes you feel any better - Mm-hmm.
- Javi probably gave me chlamydia.
Yeah, it actually does.
Thank you.
[Crying.]
It's okay.
MAN: Buenas noches.
Gracias.
[Dog barking in distance.]
- DOUG: Yo, bro.
- [Taxi door closes.]
So, none of this seems sketchy to you? No one's around, and we're outside of what may or may not be a trap house.
I mean, worst-case scenario, it's where El Chapo hides the bodies.
I don't, you know, see the problemo.
[Woman speaking Spanish.]
Keep all of your secrets from me [Grunts.]
Wow.
Whew! So, how'd it feel to make love to your husband on the white sands of Mexico? Well, the first few minutes were just a little awkward.
Well, maybe because I Well, I told you that I had drank, um I drank a lot of tequila.
- And there's also a breeze - Okay, but - coming this way.
- but it ended up being amazing.
Yeah? Mm-hmm.
I love you, Mr.
Jackson.
I love you, Mrs.
Jackson.
Mm-hmm.
Of all these different voices Screaming in my head Am I to blame [Siren chirps.]
OFFICER: Hands up! On your feet! What what - Oh, my Oh, my God! - Oh, snap.
Uh LUCA: Yo, you coming, bro? DOUG: This is such a mistake, man.
What the hell? Exactly what I thought.
It's a quinceañera.
Exactly what you thought? Yeah.