Hacks (2021) s04e01 Episode Script
Big, Brave Girl
1
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
Okay, Ava, your office is right here.
Deborah, yours is this way.
- Wonderful.
- Great.
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.
♪
Well, aren't you a big, brave girl?
I guess I am.
It's for the best.
♪
We'll see.
♪
[DOOR OPENS]
♪
[DOOR SLAMS]
[ENGINE TURNING OVER]
Oh.
Deborah!
Hey. Deborah!
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Wait!
Rob told me.
You made Ava head writer.
I I'm honestly moved.
The fact that you have
the grace and humility
to see the error of your
ways and do the right thing,
it is inspiring.
You two have been
through so much together.
And, yes, I am the one that paired you,
but that's not important, right?
What's important is, you're
supporting each other.
And women supporting
women, that's where it's at.
Why don't you ask that little
cunt what really happened?
[ENGINE REVVING, TIRES SQUEALING]
No. No!
Why, Ava, why?
I know her, okay?
All Deborah cares about
is the show being a hit,
and I will make sure that it is.
She just called you the C-word
and not in a cool RuPaul
way, in an angry boomer way.
She's really upset.
Oh, she's upset?
Don't worry about her.
The spice don't stick to the chicken.
Chicken? What chicken?
What I mean is, nothing
amounts to anything with her.
You're loyal to her,
it builds zero goodwill.
So don't worry about her feelings,
'cause she doesn't have any.
- She's heartless.
- Exactly.
I'm afraid of what she's gonna do.
Once, she had someone removed
from an organ-transplant list.
The woman lived, but it was a miracle.
[SOFTLY] Jesus.
Not to make this about me,
but why are you doing this to me?
This is my first on-screen
credit as a producer.
You were the one who told
me to take the job, so I did.
Yeah, I didn't mean take it take it.
You deserve the job, but this
isn't the way you go about it.
Oh, right, you were the one
who wanted me to roll over
and take the number-two job.
I'm honestly considering
being mad at you.
- No!
- Fine! [SIGHS]
You wanted me to learn
from her well, I did.
I wanted you to learn the
value of a hard day's work
and a and a borscht belt punch line.
You have to get a late-night
show off the ground.
Blackmail on day one? Not good!
I'm just doing what she would have done.
And that's the problem.
She's been doing this for 50 years.
You're not gonna beat
her at her own game.
Nobody beats Deborah.
Till now.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, God. Thank you, Nathaniel.
You're welcome.
[DOOR CLOSES]
And those are from?
"Deborah, it's going to be a slam dunk.
Love, your friend LeBron James."
And let's put the
tulips in the guest room,
because Deborah thinks
tulips are whorish.
Yeah.
- "Sit on this"?
- Joy Behar.
That's the nicest note she's ever sent.
So are you gonna tell Deborah today?
[SIGHS] Yeah.
I mean, first day at her dream job,
she's in a great mood.
Now is probably the ideal time
to tell her I'm leaving, right?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah.
- [GRUNTING]
- [DULL THUDDING]
[DOG BARKING, OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[PANTING] Oh, hi.
Everything okay?
Yeah, I was getting an
early start on the demo.
You can't trust anybody these days.
- You need something?
- Nope. Nope.
We'll we'll let you get to it.
Okay.
[GRUNTING]
Ah, give your body up to the music ♪
Dance your dance ♪
Good morning.
Badge?
Oh, um, it's my first day.
I don't have my my badge yet.
License. [SLURPS]
- This you?
- Yep.
You sure? This girl
look like depression.
That was the old me, see?
Oh, yeah, that is you.
- New job, new me.
- I love it.
- Have a great day.
- Oh, I will.
[TIRES SCREECH] Oh.
- I got it.
- All right.
Dance your dance ♪
Come on up. What do you want?
Give your body up ♪
♪
[SIGHS]
Hey, can we talk?
Yeah, yeah. Come on in.
You can close the door.
I'd prefer to keep it open,
if that's okay with you.
Okay.
I found this on my desk this morning.
And I found these
inside.
[SCOFFS]
Came with a note:
"From your head writer, Ava."
But "head" was underlined.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Are these yours?
Well, the holes tell me yes.
But I did not I did
not send those to you.
Look, I know this is a comedy show
and you're a comedy writer,
but bits like this are
highly inappropriate,
- and I would appreciate
- It was Deborah.
- It was Deborah?
- Yes.
It's a prank.
[LAUGHS] Whoo!
It's George Clooney.
It's playful. We love it.
- I don't love it.
- I don't love it either.
We need to talk to Deborah about it.
This is serious.
You're trying to tell
me that Deborah Vance
somehow got ahold of your panties
and put them on my desk as a prank?
Yes, it's it's part
of our silly repartee.
And besides, you know I didn't do it,
'cause I know the joke
isn't funny since you're gay.
I'd prefer you not assume
my sexual orientation.
Totally.
There is a there's a picture
of you marrying a man
in your office, though.
You don't know who that man is.
I'm moving up the
sexual-harassment training.
Okay, amazing.
Fabulous.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Huh, they moved up the HR meeting.
- I wonder why.
- Ha ha.
- Nice try with the panties.
- "Panties"? We're at work.
Act appropriately, you fucking skank.
That's rich coming from you.
Aren't you and Mary
Magdalene neck and neck
for the title of world's oldest whore?
Be careful. I'm wearing a wire.
What?
You're Are you?
- No.
- [CHUCKLES]
Okay, that's the end
of our presentation.
Does anybody have any questions?
Yes?
Yeah, so, um, in your presentation,
you said that sexual
relationships between employees
- of a company are prohibited.
- Mm.
But what about relationships that happen
before the season of a show,
say, I don't know, on a golf
retreat or something like that?
Yeah, that is a gray area,
but I would say our
policy is real clear.
Any sexual relations between
two employees is discouraged.
What if it's, like,
less of a relationship,
more of, like, a
home-wrecker-type situation?
Well, I think that would
be highly inappropriate.
Yeah, I think we can all
agree on that in here, right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, thanks, Stacey.
- You're so welcome.
- Oh. Sorry.
Oh, wait. Hold on, everybody.
- Yeah?
- Second row. One more.
Is there an age limit on
sexual favors in the workplace,
or do senior citizens get a pass
'cause it's, like, good for them?
Maybe she could email
her disgusting questions
and let the rest of
us get back to our day.
I have a press conference to get to.
Well, actually, I do
have to keep you all here
for the entirety of the Q&A in
case there's anything relevant.
And to answer your question,
no, there is no pass on sexual favors.
Thanks, Stace.
What if I walked in on someone taking
a nude photograph of
themselves in the workplace?
Would that be grounds for dismissal?
If they're just taking
a photo of, you know,
an abnormal mole for a
medical professional
Oh, I doubt it they're
filthy with freckles,
and they don't do a thing about it.
What's the policy on physical violence?
Is it okay for a boss
to slap an employee
- across the face at work?
- Absolutely not.
And what is the corporate
policy on extortion?
Is this the kind of workplace
where insider trading is considered bad?
I just want to clarify
'cause I worked with someone
who said I was naive to
have a problem with it.
And what if someone
tells you their pronouns
when you did not ask
and you do not care?
Well, what if someone
tells you how to dress
for your body shape
when you did not ask
and you do not care?
Can I fire someone for free
bleeding in the workplace?
Okay, you know what?
This is just not sounding
very hypothetical.
So there is a tip line,
and you can report any
workplace misconduct on there.
Yes?
Can I wear a tank top to the office?
[VOCALIZING]
Okay, yeah, that's enough detail.
I don't need to hear any more.
Yeah, so the handlebar was
on his prostate, male G-spot.
He was totally blissed out.
Okay, I don't think your brother
should be telling you
that kind of stuff.
- Hey.
- You okay?
Not really. Deborah's being insane.
She sent Rob a pair of my dirty panties.
- What?
- [LAUGHS]
It's not funny. She's
trying to get me fired.
Okay, well, they're
hiring at "Family Guy."
Kayla, I'm not gonna
work at "Family Guy."
[SCOFFS] I didn't say it was an offer.
- It's a good show.
- [SCOFFS]
That guy Brian is hot.
The dog?
- Is he a dog?
- Yeah, Brian is the dog.
I don't I don't need a new job.
What I need is a place to live.
Deborah donated all
my clothes to Goodwill.
I had to buy them back a second time.
I bought them there originally.
Okay, as your new official co-manager,
I'll find you a place to live.
We we've never
discussed comanagement.
Yeah, and I'm gonna prove to you
we never needed to discuss
it by doing a good job.
Can you do 6.5 cash right now,
or do you need a second to liquefy?
I'm gonna rent.
Oof, I didn't know
people still did that.
I'm up for the challenge.
Deborah.
- Hello. Hi.
- Hello, hello.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was trying to bond with my kid.
Doctor's orders.
Anyway, this is the head of publicity.
Cece Heaumeaux.
Spell that.
H-E-A-U-M-E-A-U-X.
Hmm, okay.
Deborah, we're getting
so many incomings.
Everyone is so excited about you.
And just this morning, we
got an offer for the cover
of "New York Times Magazine."
Ah, that's fantastic.
I always said the Gray Lady
needed a little more blonde.
Ha! All right.
I need a mint.
This woman has reinvented herself
Hey, queen. Here are some jokes.
I thought you might do
that. Here's another set.
[PAPERS THUD]
Don't cut your nose
off to spite your face.
I've cut my nose plenty of times.
It always works out well for my face.
Please welcome your new host,
the one and only Deborah Vance.
[BIZARRE INC'S "I'M
GONNA GET YOU" PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
Yo, DJ, pump this party ♪
Why waste your time? ♪
You know you're gonna be mine ♪
You know you're gonna be mine ♪
- Oh, Michael.
- Deborah, I got to ask
are you feeling any pressure to live up
to the legacy of the
hosts that came before you?
No, I prefer to think
of them as opening acts.
[LAUGHTER]
How does it feel to be
the first woman at 11:30
- on one of the Big Three?
- Thrilling.
I've always wanted to
break the glass time slot.
Deborah, how are you planning
to stand out from the other hosts?
I plan on making a lot
more money than they do.
[LAUGHTER]
So late night has struggled
to appeal to younger audiences.
And now you are the
oldest host in history.
How much extra pressure are you feeling
to appeal to the under-34 demo?
How much extra pressure do you
feel to ask better questions?
- [CROWD MURMURS]
- Ooh. Okay.
Kidding, kidding. You know what?
If they want to get off
their phones and watch, great.
If not, I'm not gonna
lose sleep over it.
Yeah?
So, obviously, you got the
show because you're funny.
Uh, what do you say to people
who say that women aren't funny?
Well, I guess we'll just have to wait
for someone to say it to me,
and then we'll have a
great, big, fun surprise.
Deborah, are you worried
about the physical toll
that producing and hosting
five new shows a week
will take on your body,
you know, given your age?
Stamina has never been an issue for me.
- Is it for you?
- [LAUGHTER]
Well, as a woman
No, no, no, let me stop you right there.
How about you not think
of me as a woman, okay?
I'm not a woman. I'm a comedian. Got it?
Okay, thank you all so much.
We're incredibly excited,
and I think that's enough for today.
Yo, DJ, pump this party ♪
[VOCALIZING]
[MUSIC STOPS, SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Well, what happened out
there was a press conference.
I think we could afford to
be a little more friendly.
- Huh, Deb?
- Sure, of course.
We need a simple, clear
message that Deborah can parrot.
We'll figure out a strong angle
for "The Times" cover story,
and then we can push that narrative.
Great, and we invited
key press to Lipka's party
for you tonight so you can make nice.
- Okay.
- Oh, Bob's having a party?
Whoa, I had no idea you
were in this conversation.
- Yes, you coming?
- No, no, no, she can't.
She's got way too many
responsibilities as my head writer.
She's too busy lifting me up.
Deborah, we have that 3:00 p.m. Zoom
- with the Orbit gum people.
- Potential sponsor, important.
Yeah, so right this way.
I wrote good material for
her that she just threw away.
Fucking lunatic.
Okay, this energy is
bad, putrid, stinks.
Look, I'm just throwing it out there.
I could call Steve and see if
he'd be willing to come back.
Maybe you two could work out
a co-head-writer situation.
Absolutely not.
If you bring this up to
me again, you're fired.
Okay, I'm just trying to help,
because you cannot
make a show like this.
It's not gonna work.
Why don't you mind your
own business, Jimmy?
She is not beating the cunt allegations.
Kayla, I told you,
I don't like that word
if we're not in London.
Don't stop dancin' ♪
Keep on dancin' ♪
You just startin' again ♪
Eva Daniels.
Ava Daniels.
- HR sent us.
- Oh, my God.
Is this about taking the
photo for my security badge?
I'll take the picture.
I just want to be two
days out from a wash.
My hair poofs, goes triangle.
We received an anonymous complaint
about you being on
illegal substances at work.
[SCOFFS] What? An anonymous complaint?
Oh, my God, that bitch.
- Fill the cup.
- No, I just peed.
But, also, I'm not on drugs.
I should have led with
that. I'm not on drugs.
Then you should pass with flying colors.
Your pick.
Well, I hate water, so
Ah, ah, before you go,
got to pat you down.
Some people bring in clean piss to pass.
- Is this really nec
- Yeah.
[HANDS PATTING]
- Hey, John.
- Hey.
[CHUCKLES] It's good to see you.
[URINE TRICKLING]
- Anything yet, Ava?
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
Oh, fuck, I spilled it.
Oh, that took forever.
Do I have to do it again?
[BIRDS CHIRPING, DOG BARKING]
It's okay, Damien.
The second pair of Spanx got me there.
No, it's me.
You, uh, forgot about our lunch today.
[SCOFFS] Oh, I
[SCOFFS] God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I had a press conference
that did not go well,
and then I had a two-hour
meeting about chewing gum.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, no problem.
I'll have Damien find
another time this week.
Well, you're here now. What's going on?
It's okay. You you
clearly have somewhere to be.
And you clearly have something to say,
so say it.
I don't think this is the right moment.
Oh, well, now you
definitely have to say it.
What the hell's going on?
So there is a complication
with the network
in regards to your
existing endorsement deals.
They don't want you to be the face
of any competing product,
which includes literally
anything on QVC.
Oh, God.
[SIGHS] Well, we'll just
have to figure it out.
I mean, maybe we can do some
kind of carve-out deal
We don't have to figure anything out.
I've already figured it out.
Oh, well, great. What's the plan?
I've arranged for DV
Industries to be sold to QVC.
Excuse me?
We need to move quickly and pass papers.
You did this without consulting me?
With you hosting, you can't
merchandise your own name,
- but they can.
- [SCOFFS]
And what are you gonna do?
You're leaving.
Listen, you hosting isn't
just a conflict with QVC.
It also means there's less
of a place for me in the
You went behind my back.
Whoa. Behind your
back? I did this for you.
And by the way, I made
you a lot of money.
Do you even want to know
how much I sold it for?
I don't care about the
money! It's about loyalty!
Deborah, I have been
loyal to you for 22 years.
You can't even commit to a damn lunch.
Don't you think I
deserve better than that?
Oh, there it is.
It's about you.
You're just like everyone else.
The minute I get what I'm fighting for,
it becomes all about what you
need and what's best for you.
I can't enjoy this for one second
before everyone starts coming for me!
You don't know what
you're talking about.
How is this happening again?
How is it everyone leaves me
as soon as I get what I want?
- Am I in a goddamn time machine?
- Deborah, calm down.
Seriously! Is this
a fucking time machine?
If so, then why do I still
have these goddamn crow's feet?
Okay.
My lawyers will be in
touch to finalize the deal.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Hey, where are you?
Oh, you know me at
the office, working.
Okay, wow, so you're not
gonna be here for a while?
I'm sorry. Be where?
The Boiling Crab?
Your assistant set a dinner for us
and insisted that it be shellfish.
We've been sitting here for 45 minutes.
My assistant.
Yes, right. So sorry.
I will be there ASAP.
Start without me.
Fuck.
It's a real Hollywood story
created by the brilliant Brad Hall.
It ran from 1995 to 1997.
And that single guy was, of
course, Jonathan Silverman.
- Oh, God.
- Ma'am, no.
You need to get off right now.
I work here. I just need
to get to my car fast.
Get off right now, or I
will call lot security.
No, I just got away from them.
Get down.
It's okay. I work here.
Working here is not the issue.
You need to get off. You
made me miss Wisteria Lane.
Now, everybody, it is
there that Teri Hatcher
made her triumphant return
to network television.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hey, Rob.
- Almost there.
- Don't bother, okay?
I've got to change for Bob's party.
I dropped my tie in the gumbo.
- I got to go.
- No, no, no, no, no! Fuck!
Ma'am, there are no phone
calls allowed on the lot tour!
I'm not on the lot tour!
I'm using it as a
mode of transportation.
I don't give a fuck
about the Bates Motel!
How dare you?
[BLUESY ROCK MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
It's great to see you
guys. Thanks for coming.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Good to see you.
- You too.
- Bob. Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.
Of course, Jimmy, I know who you are.
You're the man who made this all happen.
Well, I mean, I'm one of them.
You're the other one,
plus the women, of course,
because women are where it's at.
Yeah, I remember your dad used to worry
'cause you only hung out with girls.
Now, look, you've made a career of it.
Well, I had a coed friend group.
But, yes, of course, I had plenty
of platonic female friends,
which I think is healthy.
And now you're a producer on the show.
Yes, I am.
This is a career-making moment,
- so let's make a hit.
- You got it.
- Great to see you, Jimmy.
- You too, Bob.
Yeah, no, I was absolutely shocked
'cause it just flopped out. [LAUGHS]
Would you excuse us for one moment?
- Can I steal you?
- I think it was pierced.
What was the one thing I
asked you not to do tonight?
To talk about the Lenny
Kravitz penis video.
I'm sorry, but they brought it up.
There is no way that they brought it up.
Oh, I think maybe I did.
Listen, we are in the yard
where it happens, okay?
This is Bob Lipka's house.
The man runs Hollywood.
And you're a manager
now, so do me a favor
make a good impression
and just try to act normal.
Whatever. The champagne's hitting.
It's gonna be one of those nights
where you wake up the
next day and you think,
damn, dog, who'd I sign last night?
Whoa. Kayla.
- I feel sick.
- Kayla, come on, just
- I think I'm gonna puke.
- Please don't puke here.
Obviously I signed off,
but Winnie was really your champion.
And I'm happy to take orders from women.
I love being a kingmaker
well, queenmaker, I guess.
- No, I like "kingmaker" better.
- Yeah.
People are excited.
Our gay neighbors were
screaming about it,
in a good way.
They're 60, but they're open.
Isn't that interesting?
- Anyway, we're thrilled.
- Me too.
Oh. Pardon.
If you two will excuse me,
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
Oh, no, the porta-johns are
for the general population.
- Let me show you inside.
- Oh. Okay.
Ah, Marcia, you were
wrong about that Aman.
It was shit.
Yeah, isn't it great?
- Oh, beautiful.
- 1935 it was built.
Paul Williams was the architect.
- Oh, of course. Yes.
- Yeah.
Here, the bathroom's right in here.
Ah, thank you.
And while I have you
[DOOR CLOSES]
That night
never happened.
Yeah, no kidding.
I'm not stupid.
Does anyone know?
No.
Good.
Let's make sure it stays that way.
Then I should probably
use the porta-potty.
[DOOR OPENS]
God.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
[BREATHING SHARPLY]
Ugh. [EXHALES SHARPLY]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SCOFFS]
I mean, this is quite the staircase.
Absolutely. [LAUGHTER]
You're making an entrance
whether you like it or not
with this thing, my God.
- What are you doing here?
- Deborah, there you are, love.
Have you met Nikki
Lipka, Bob's wife?
- Hi.
- Hello.
Oh, it's just lovely to meet you.
- Oh, same. I'm such a fan.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES] I told Bob this
is the best decision he's made
since marrying me. [LAUGHTER]
That's hilarious.
But he didn't mention you two had met.
Oh, I told her you and Bob
bumped into each other
at the golf tournament.
Y-yes, we've met, briefly.
I was just telling Nikki about
how you made me head writer.
If there's one thing
Deborah and I agree on,
it's giving women
exactly what they deserve.
- Oh.
- Absolutely.
Speaking of which, can
I talk to you for a sec?
This was just a pleasure.
Beautiful hedges.
Thanks. [CHUCKLES]
- What the hell was that?
- Oh, what?
You can dish it, but you can't take it?
You know, I know you've
been at this for 50 years,
but guess what.
That means you're tired, and
I'm just getting warmed up.
Go home.
You look like shit,
and you smell like piss.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Stop trying to get me
fired. It's over. I won.
[SCOFFS]
You think I'm fucking kidding?
I already have this email
drafted to Meena Elahi,
my friend at "The New Yorker."
You get me fired, I send it.
So say it. Say I won.
You're being ridiculous.
Okay, I'll send it right now.
No! No, no!
Are you are you crazy?
You seem upset.
You want one more chance?
I unsent it.
You can't unsend an email.
You can't. You still use Hotmail.
Say that I won, or
I'll send it for real.
Say it.
O-okay, okay, you won.
- What?
- You won!
- What?
- You won, you won!
Hey, girls. Hey, how are you? Smile.
People are starting to
stare, so smile, God damn it.
[LAUGHS] Laugh, laugh.
[LAUGHTER] Oh, Deborah.
Ah, now, both of you listen to me.
This is how this is gonna go.
You're gonna stay out
of each other's way.
You're gonna keep
your hands to yourself.
You're gonna keep your
panties to yourself, all right?
I will be the intermediary,
even though I said
I'd never do that again
after my parents' divorce
because it almost destroyed me.
[CHUCKLES] But I'm gonna do it for you.
And the show is gonna be a big success.
So do me a favor
stay the fuck away from each other.
Got it?
- Yes.
- Fine.
Okay, we figured it out. Tell them.
This is the story we've
been looking for
what's happening between you two.
It's all about your
creative collaboration.
That is the story people will love.
It's perfect. It hits young and old.
It's female without being too female.
- It'll play.
- I don't know.
You said yourself, she lifts you up.
- Did I say that?
- Deborah, here's the thing.
You saying "I'm not a
woman" earlier today,
people aren't loving that.
We're getting some pushback
on you refuting your womanhood.
- Oh, Christ.
- But you love women.
You hired one to be your head writer.
It's the perfect repudiation.
And kudos to Cece,
who already got "The Times Magazine"
to agree to put you both on the cover.
- BOTH: What?
- Sexy, come here.
Let's get a shot of Deborah
and Ava, our cover girls.
Smile.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- That's my good side.
- [BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY]
- That's my good side, too.
- You don't have a good side.
At least I still have collagen.
I'm loving this movement.
Let's try the other lens.
And stay on your marks, please.
Let's switch up the music.
[SIGHS]
You know, the other night
you were right.
You won.
And you broke my heart.
You broke mine first.
You know, I
I hope this show is very successful
and it goes for
many, many years.
But the second it's done
I'll never speak to you again.
Good.
Thought that we
would be good friends ♪
Okay, now I want you
very close together.
As long as we should live ♪
I had some past experience ♪
Cheeks touching.
With people just like you ♪
Yes.
And smile.
I never thought you were that kind ♪
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- So what was I to do ♪
You were my friend ♪
Yes, you were my friend ♪
You were my friend ♪
How could you let me down? ♪
You were my friend ♪
♪
How can you stand and lie to me ♪
And look me in the face? ♪
I wish I knew what strange disease ♪
Could make you act that way ♪
All the things we did together ♪
I've known you for so long ♪
I always did believe in you ♪
How could I be so wrong? ♪
You were my friend ♪
Yes, you were my friend ♪
Ooh, you were my friend ♪
You were my friend ♪
How could you let me down? ♪
You were my friend ♪
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
Okay, Ava, your office is right here.
Deborah, yours is this way.
- Wonderful.
- Great.
♪
[SIGHS]
♪
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.
♪
Well, aren't you a big, brave girl?
I guess I am.
It's for the best.
♪
We'll see.
♪
[DOOR OPENS]
♪
[DOOR SLAMS]
[ENGINE TURNING OVER]
Oh.
Deborah!
Hey. Deborah!
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Wait!
Rob told me.
You made Ava head writer.
I I'm honestly moved.
The fact that you have
the grace and humility
to see the error of your
ways and do the right thing,
it is inspiring.
You two have been
through so much together.
And, yes, I am the one that paired you,
but that's not important, right?
What's important is, you're
supporting each other.
And women supporting
women, that's where it's at.
Why don't you ask that little
cunt what really happened?
[ENGINE REVVING, TIRES SQUEALING]
No. No!
Why, Ava, why?
I know her, okay?
All Deborah cares about
is the show being a hit,
and I will make sure that it is.
She just called you the C-word
and not in a cool RuPaul
way, in an angry boomer way.
She's really upset.
Oh, she's upset?
Don't worry about her.
The spice don't stick to the chicken.
Chicken? What chicken?
What I mean is, nothing
amounts to anything with her.
You're loyal to her,
it builds zero goodwill.
So don't worry about her feelings,
'cause she doesn't have any.
- She's heartless.
- Exactly.
I'm afraid of what she's gonna do.
Once, she had someone removed
from an organ-transplant list.
The woman lived, but it was a miracle.
[SOFTLY] Jesus.
Not to make this about me,
but why are you doing this to me?
This is my first on-screen
credit as a producer.
You were the one who told
me to take the job, so I did.
Yeah, I didn't mean take it take it.
You deserve the job, but this
isn't the way you go about it.
Oh, right, you were the one
who wanted me to roll over
and take the number-two job.
I'm honestly considering
being mad at you.
- No!
- Fine! [SIGHS]
You wanted me to learn
from her well, I did.
I wanted you to learn the
value of a hard day's work
and a and a borscht belt punch line.
You have to get a late-night
show off the ground.
Blackmail on day one? Not good!
I'm just doing what she would have done.
And that's the problem.
She's been doing this for 50 years.
You're not gonna beat
her at her own game.
Nobody beats Deborah.
Till now.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, God. Thank you, Nathaniel.
You're welcome.
[DOOR CLOSES]
And those are from?
"Deborah, it's going to be a slam dunk.
Love, your friend LeBron James."
And let's put the
tulips in the guest room,
because Deborah thinks
tulips are whorish.
Yeah.
- "Sit on this"?
- Joy Behar.
That's the nicest note she's ever sent.
So are you gonna tell Deborah today?
[SIGHS] Yeah.
I mean, first day at her dream job,
she's in a great mood.
Now is probably the ideal time
to tell her I'm leaving, right?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Yeah.
- [GRUNTING]
- [DULL THUDDING]
[DOG BARKING, OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[PANTING] Oh, hi.
Everything okay?
Yeah, I was getting an
early start on the demo.
You can't trust anybody these days.
- You need something?
- Nope. Nope.
We'll we'll let you get to it.
Okay.
[GRUNTING]
Ah, give your body up to the music ♪
Dance your dance ♪
Good morning.
Badge?
Oh, um, it's my first day.
I don't have my my badge yet.
License. [SLURPS]
- This you?
- Yep.
You sure? This girl
look like depression.
That was the old me, see?
Oh, yeah, that is you.
- New job, new me.
- I love it.
- Have a great day.
- Oh, I will.
[TIRES SCREECH] Oh.
- I got it.
- All right.
Dance your dance ♪
Come on up. What do you want?
Give your body up ♪
♪
[SIGHS]
Hey, can we talk?
Yeah, yeah. Come on in.
You can close the door.
I'd prefer to keep it open,
if that's okay with you.
Okay.
I found this on my desk this morning.
And I found these
inside.
[SCOFFS]
Came with a note:
"From your head writer, Ava."
But "head" was underlined.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Are these yours?
Well, the holes tell me yes.
But I did not I did
not send those to you.
Look, I know this is a comedy show
and you're a comedy writer,
but bits like this are
highly inappropriate,
- and I would appreciate
- It was Deborah.
- It was Deborah?
- Yes.
It's a prank.
[LAUGHS] Whoo!
It's George Clooney.
It's playful. We love it.
- I don't love it.
- I don't love it either.
We need to talk to Deborah about it.
This is serious.
You're trying to tell
me that Deborah Vance
somehow got ahold of your panties
and put them on my desk as a prank?
Yes, it's it's part
of our silly repartee.
And besides, you know I didn't do it,
'cause I know the joke
isn't funny since you're gay.
I'd prefer you not assume
my sexual orientation.
Totally.
There is a there's a picture
of you marrying a man
in your office, though.
You don't know who that man is.
I'm moving up the
sexual-harassment training.
Okay, amazing.
Fabulous.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Huh, they moved up the HR meeting.
- I wonder why.
- Ha ha.
- Nice try with the panties.
- "Panties"? We're at work.
Act appropriately, you fucking skank.
That's rich coming from you.
Aren't you and Mary
Magdalene neck and neck
for the title of world's oldest whore?
Be careful. I'm wearing a wire.
What?
You're Are you?
- No.
- [CHUCKLES]
Okay, that's the end
of our presentation.
Does anybody have any questions?
Yes?
Yeah, so, um, in your presentation,
you said that sexual
relationships between employees
- of a company are prohibited.
- Mm.
But what about relationships that happen
before the season of a show,
say, I don't know, on a golf
retreat or something like that?
Yeah, that is a gray area,
but I would say our
policy is real clear.
Any sexual relations between
two employees is discouraged.
What if it's, like,
less of a relationship,
more of, like, a
home-wrecker-type situation?
Well, I think that would
be highly inappropriate.
Yeah, I think we can all
agree on that in here, right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, thanks, Stacey.
- You're so welcome.
- Oh. Sorry.
Oh, wait. Hold on, everybody.
- Yeah?
- Second row. One more.
Is there an age limit on
sexual favors in the workplace,
or do senior citizens get a pass
'cause it's, like, good for them?
Maybe she could email
her disgusting questions
and let the rest of
us get back to our day.
I have a press conference to get to.
Well, actually, I do
have to keep you all here
for the entirety of the Q&A in
case there's anything relevant.
And to answer your question,
no, there is no pass on sexual favors.
Thanks, Stace.
What if I walked in on someone taking
a nude photograph of
themselves in the workplace?
Would that be grounds for dismissal?
If they're just taking
a photo of, you know,
an abnormal mole for a
medical professional
Oh, I doubt it they're
filthy with freckles,
and they don't do a thing about it.
What's the policy on physical violence?
Is it okay for a boss
to slap an employee
- across the face at work?
- Absolutely not.
And what is the corporate
policy on extortion?
Is this the kind of workplace
where insider trading is considered bad?
I just want to clarify
'cause I worked with someone
who said I was naive to
have a problem with it.
And what if someone
tells you their pronouns
when you did not ask
and you do not care?
Well, what if someone
tells you how to dress
for your body shape
when you did not ask
and you do not care?
Can I fire someone for free
bleeding in the workplace?
Okay, you know what?
This is just not sounding
very hypothetical.
So there is a tip line,
and you can report any
workplace misconduct on there.
Yes?
Can I wear a tank top to the office?
[VOCALIZING]
Okay, yeah, that's enough detail.
I don't need to hear any more.
Yeah, so the handlebar was
on his prostate, male G-spot.
He was totally blissed out.
Okay, I don't think your brother
should be telling you
that kind of stuff.
- Hey.
- You okay?
Not really. Deborah's being insane.
She sent Rob a pair of my dirty panties.
- What?
- [LAUGHS]
It's not funny. She's
trying to get me fired.
Okay, well, they're
hiring at "Family Guy."
Kayla, I'm not gonna
work at "Family Guy."
[SCOFFS] I didn't say it was an offer.
- It's a good show.
- [SCOFFS]
That guy Brian is hot.
The dog?
- Is he a dog?
- Yeah, Brian is the dog.
I don't I don't need a new job.
What I need is a place to live.
Deborah donated all
my clothes to Goodwill.
I had to buy them back a second time.
I bought them there originally.
Okay, as your new official co-manager,
I'll find you a place to live.
We we've never
discussed comanagement.
Yeah, and I'm gonna prove to you
we never needed to discuss
it by doing a good job.
Can you do 6.5 cash right now,
or do you need a second to liquefy?
I'm gonna rent.
Oof, I didn't know
people still did that.
I'm up for the challenge.
Deborah.
- Hello. Hi.
- Hello, hello.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was trying to bond with my kid.
Doctor's orders.
Anyway, this is the head of publicity.
Cece Heaumeaux.
Spell that.
H-E-A-U-M-E-A-U-X.
Hmm, okay.
Deborah, we're getting
so many incomings.
Everyone is so excited about you.
And just this morning, we
got an offer for the cover
of "New York Times Magazine."
Ah, that's fantastic.
I always said the Gray Lady
needed a little more blonde.
Ha! All right.
I need a mint.
This woman has reinvented herself
Hey, queen. Here are some jokes.
I thought you might do
that. Here's another set.
[PAPERS THUD]
Don't cut your nose
off to spite your face.
I've cut my nose plenty of times.
It always works out well for my face.
Please welcome your new host,
the one and only Deborah Vance.
[BIZARRE INC'S "I'M
GONNA GET YOU" PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
Yo, DJ, pump this party ♪
Why waste your time? ♪
You know you're gonna be mine ♪
You know you're gonna be mine ♪
- Oh, Michael.
- Deborah, I got to ask
are you feeling any pressure to live up
to the legacy of the
hosts that came before you?
No, I prefer to think
of them as opening acts.
[LAUGHTER]
How does it feel to be
the first woman at 11:30
- on one of the Big Three?
- Thrilling.
I've always wanted to
break the glass time slot.
Deborah, how are you planning
to stand out from the other hosts?
I plan on making a lot
more money than they do.
[LAUGHTER]
So late night has struggled
to appeal to younger audiences.
And now you are the
oldest host in history.
How much extra pressure are you feeling
to appeal to the under-34 demo?
How much extra pressure do you
feel to ask better questions?
- [CROWD MURMURS]
- Ooh. Okay.
Kidding, kidding. You know what?
If they want to get off
their phones and watch, great.
If not, I'm not gonna
lose sleep over it.
Yeah?
So, obviously, you got the
show because you're funny.
Uh, what do you say to people
who say that women aren't funny?
Well, I guess we'll just have to wait
for someone to say it to me,
and then we'll have a
great, big, fun surprise.
Deborah, are you worried
about the physical toll
that producing and hosting
five new shows a week
will take on your body,
you know, given your age?
Stamina has never been an issue for me.
- Is it for you?
- [LAUGHTER]
Well, as a woman
No, no, no, let me stop you right there.
How about you not think
of me as a woman, okay?
I'm not a woman. I'm a comedian. Got it?
Okay, thank you all so much.
We're incredibly excited,
and I think that's enough for today.
Yo, DJ, pump this party ♪
[VOCALIZING]
[MUSIC STOPS, SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
Well, what happened out
there was a press conference.
I think we could afford to
be a little more friendly.
- Huh, Deb?
- Sure, of course.
We need a simple, clear
message that Deborah can parrot.
We'll figure out a strong angle
for "The Times" cover story,
and then we can push that narrative.
Great, and we invited
key press to Lipka's party
for you tonight so you can make nice.
- Okay.
- Oh, Bob's having a party?
Whoa, I had no idea you
were in this conversation.
- Yes, you coming?
- No, no, no, she can't.
She's got way too many
responsibilities as my head writer.
She's too busy lifting me up.
Deborah, we have that 3:00 p.m. Zoom
- with the Orbit gum people.
- Potential sponsor, important.
Yeah, so right this way.
I wrote good material for
her that she just threw away.
Fucking lunatic.
Okay, this energy is
bad, putrid, stinks.
Look, I'm just throwing it out there.
I could call Steve and see if
he'd be willing to come back.
Maybe you two could work out
a co-head-writer situation.
Absolutely not.
If you bring this up to
me again, you're fired.
Okay, I'm just trying to help,
because you cannot
make a show like this.
It's not gonna work.
Why don't you mind your
own business, Jimmy?
She is not beating the cunt allegations.
Kayla, I told you,
I don't like that word
if we're not in London.
Don't stop dancin' ♪
Keep on dancin' ♪
You just startin' again ♪
Eva Daniels.
Ava Daniels.
- HR sent us.
- Oh, my God.
Is this about taking the
photo for my security badge?
I'll take the picture.
I just want to be two
days out from a wash.
My hair poofs, goes triangle.
We received an anonymous complaint
about you being on
illegal substances at work.
[SCOFFS] What? An anonymous complaint?
Oh, my God, that bitch.
- Fill the cup.
- No, I just peed.
But, also, I'm not on drugs.
I should have led with
that. I'm not on drugs.
Then you should pass with flying colors.
Your pick.
Well, I hate water, so
Ah, ah, before you go,
got to pat you down.
Some people bring in clean piss to pass.
- Is this really nec
- Yeah.
[HANDS PATTING]
- Hey, John.
- Hey.
[CHUCKLES] It's good to see you.
[URINE TRICKLING]
- Anything yet, Ava?
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
Oh, fuck, I spilled it.
Oh, that took forever.
Do I have to do it again?
[BIRDS CHIRPING, DOG BARKING]
It's okay, Damien.
The second pair of Spanx got me there.
No, it's me.
You, uh, forgot about our lunch today.
[SCOFFS] Oh, I
[SCOFFS] God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I had a press conference
that did not go well,
and then I had a two-hour
meeting about chewing gum.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, no problem.
I'll have Damien find
another time this week.
Well, you're here now. What's going on?
It's okay. You you
clearly have somewhere to be.
And you clearly have something to say,
so say it.
I don't think this is the right moment.
Oh, well, now you
definitely have to say it.
What the hell's going on?
So there is a complication
with the network
in regards to your
existing endorsement deals.
They don't want you to be the face
of any competing product,
which includes literally
anything on QVC.
Oh, God.
[SIGHS] Well, we'll just
have to figure it out.
I mean, maybe we can do some
kind of carve-out deal
We don't have to figure anything out.
I've already figured it out.
Oh, well, great. What's the plan?
I've arranged for DV
Industries to be sold to QVC.
Excuse me?
We need to move quickly and pass papers.
You did this without consulting me?
With you hosting, you can't
merchandise your own name,
- but they can.
- [SCOFFS]
And what are you gonna do?
You're leaving.
Listen, you hosting isn't
just a conflict with QVC.
It also means there's less
of a place for me in the
You went behind my back.
Whoa. Behind your
back? I did this for you.
And by the way, I made
you a lot of money.
Do you even want to know
how much I sold it for?
I don't care about the
money! It's about loyalty!
Deborah, I have been
loyal to you for 22 years.
You can't even commit to a damn lunch.
Don't you think I
deserve better than that?
Oh, there it is.
It's about you.
You're just like everyone else.
The minute I get what I'm fighting for,
it becomes all about what you
need and what's best for you.
I can't enjoy this for one second
before everyone starts coming for me!
You don't know what
you're talking about.
How is this happening again?
How is it everyone leaves me
as soon as I get what I want?
- Am I in a goddamn time machine?
- Deborah, calm down.
Seriously! Is this
a fucking time machine?
If so, then why do I still
have these goddamn crow's feet?
Okay.
My lawyers will be in
touch to finalize the deal.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hello.
Hey, where are you?
Oh, you know me at
the office, working.
Okay, wow, so you're not
gonna be here for a while?
I'm sorry. Be where?
The Boiling Crab?
Your assistant set a dinner for us
and insisted that it be shellfish.
We've been sitting here for 45 minutes.
My assistant.
Yes, right. So sorry.
I will be there ASAP.
Start without me.
Fuck.
It's a real Hollywood story
created by the brilliant Brad Hall.
It ran from 1995 to 1997.
And that single guy was, of
course, Jonathan Silverman.
- Oh, God.
- Ma'am, no.
You need to get off right now.
I work here. I just need
to get to my car fast.
Get off right now, or I
will call lot security.
No, I just got away from them.
Get down.
It's okay. I work here.
Working here is not the issue.
You need to get off. You
made me miss Wisteria Lane.
Now, everybody, it is
there that Teri Hatcher
made her triumphant return
to network television.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hey, Rob.
- Almost there.
- Don't bother, okay?
I've got to change for Bob's party.
I dropped my tie in the gumbo.
- I got to go.
- No, no, no, no, no! Fuck!
Ma'am, there are no phone
calls allowed on the lot tour!
I'm not on the lot tour!
I'm using it as a
mode of transportation.
I don't give a fuck
about the Bates Motel!
How dare you?
[BLUESY ROCK MUSIC]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
It's great to see you
guys. Thanks for coming.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Good to see you.
- You too.
- Bob. Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.
Of course, Jimmy, I know who you are.
You're the man who made this all happen.
Well, I mean, I'm one of them.
You're the other one,
plus the women, of course,
because women are where it's at.
Yeah, I remember your dad used to worry
'cause you only hung out with girls.
Now, look, you've made a career of it.
Well, I had a coed friend group.
But, yes, of course, I had plenty
of platonic female friends,
which I think is healthy.
And now you're a producer on the show.
Yes, I am.
This is a career-making moment,
- so let's make a hit.
- You got it.
- Great to see you, Jimmy.
- You too, Bob.
Yeah, no, I was absolutely shocked
'cause it just flopped out. [LAUGHS]
Would you excuse us for one moment?
- Can I steal you?
- I think it was pierced.
What was the one thing I
asked you not to do tonight?
To talk about the Lenny
Kravitz penis video.
I'm sorry, but they brought it up.
There is no way that they brought it up.
Oh, I think maybe I did.
Listen, we are in the yard
where it happens, okay?
This is Bob Lipka's house.
The man runs Hollywood.
And you're a manager
now, so do me a favor
make a good impression
and just try to act normal.
Whatever. The champagne's hitting.
It's gonna be one of those nights
where you wake up the
next day and you think,
damn, dog, who'd I sign last night?
Whoa. Kayla.
- I feel sick.
- Kayla, come on, just
- I think I'm gonna puke.
- Please don't puke here.
Obviously I signed off,
but Winnie was really your champion.
And I'm happy to take orders from women.
I love being a kingmaker
well, queenmaker, I guess.
- No, I like "kingmaker" better.
- Yeah.
People are excited.
Our gay neighbors were
screaming about it,
in a good way.
They're 60, but they're open.
Isn't that interesting?
- Anyway, we're thrilled.
- Me too.
Oh. Pardon.
If you two will excuse me,
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
Oh, no, the porta-johns are
for the general population.
- Let me show you inside.
- Oh. Okay.
Ah, Marcia, you were
wrong about that Aman.
It was shit.
Yeah, isn't it great?
- Oh, beautiful.
- 1935 it was built.
Paul Williams was the architect.
- Oh, of course. Yes.
- Yeah.
Here, the bathroom's right in here.
Ah, thank you.
And while I have you
[DOOR CLOSES]
That night
never happened.
Yeah, no kidding.
I'm not stupid.
Does anyone know?
No.
Good.
Let's make sure it stays that way.
Then I should probably
use the porta-potty.
[DOOR OPENS]
God.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]
[BREATHING SHARPLY]
Ugh. [EXHALES SHARPLY]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SCOFFS]
I mean, this is quite the staircase.
Absolutely. [LAUGHTER]
You're making an entrance
whether you like it or not
with this thing, my God.
- What are you doing here?
- Deborah, there you are, love.
Have you met Nikki
Lipka, Bob's wife?
- Hi.
- Hello.
Oh, it's just lovely to meet you.
- Oh, same. I'm such a fan.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES] I told Bob this
is the best decision he's made
since marrying me. [LAUGHTER]
That's hilarious.
But he didn't mention you two had met.
Oh, I told her you and Bob
bumped into each other
at the golf tournament.
Y-yes, we've met, briefly.
I was just telling Nikki about
how you made me head writer.
If there's one thing
Deborah and I agree on,
it's giving women
exactly what they deserve.
- Oh.
- Absolutely.
Speaking of which, can
I talk to you for a sec?
This was just a pleasure.
Beautiful hedges.
Thanks. [CHUCKLES]
- What the hell was that?
- Oh, what?
You can dish it, but you can't take it?
You know, I know you've
been at this for 50 years,
but guess what.
That means you're tired, and
I'm just getting warmed up.
Go home.
You look like shit,
and you smell like piss.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Stop trying to get me
fired. It's over. I won.
[SCOFFS]
You think I'm fucking kidding?
I already have this email
drafted to Meena Elahi,
my friend at "The New Yorker."
You get me fired, I send it.
So say it. Say I won.
You're being ridiculous.
Okay, I'll send it right now.
No! No, no!
Are you are you crazy?
You seem upset.
You want one more chance?
I unsent it.
You can't unsend an email.
You can't. You still use Hotmail.
Say that I won, or
I'll send it for real.
Say it.
O-okay, okay, you won.
- What?
- You won!
- What?
- You won, you won!
Hey, girls. Hey, how are you? Smile.
People are starting to
stare, so smile, God damn it.
[LAUGHS] Laugh, laugh.
[LAUGHTER] Oh, Deborah.
Ah, now, both of you listen to me.
This is how this is gonna go.
You're gonna stay out
of each other's way.
You're gonna keep
your hands to yourself.
You're gonna keep your
panties to yourself, all right?
I will be the intermediary,
even though I said
I'd never do that again
after my parents' divorce
because it almost destroyed me.
[CHUCKLES] But I'm gonna do it for you.
And the show is gonna be a big success.
So do me a favor
stay the fuck away from each other.
Got it?
- Yes.
- Fine.
Okay, we figured it out. Tell them.
This is the story we've
been looking for
what's happening between you two.
It's all about your
creative collaboration.
That is the story people will love.
It's perfect. It hits young and old.
It's female without being too female.
- It'll play.
- I don't know.
You said yourself, she lifts you up.
- Did I say that?
- Deborah, here's the thing.
You saying "I'm not a
woman" earlier today,
people aren't loving that.
We're getting some pushback
on you refuting your womanhood.
- Oh, Christ.
- But you love women.
You hired one to be your head writer.
It's the perfect repudiation.
And kudos to Cece,
who already got "The Times Magazine"
to agree to put you both on the cover.
- BOTH: What?
- Sexy, come here.
Let's get a shot of Deborah
and Ava, our cover girls.
Smile.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- That's my good side.
- [BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY]
- That's my good side, too.
- You don't have a good side.
At least I still have collagen.
I'm loving this movement.
Let's try the other lens.
And stay on your marks, please.
Let's switch up the music.
[SIGHS]
You know, the other night
you were right.
You won.
And you broke my heart.
You broke mine first.
You know, I
I hope this show is very successful
and it goes for
many, many years.
But the second it's done
I'll never speak to you again.
Good.
Thought that we
would be good friends ♪
Okay, now I want you
very close together.
As long as we should live ♪
I had some past experience ♪
Cheeks touching.
With people just like you ♪
Yes.
And smile.
I never thought you were that kind ♪
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- So what was I to do ♪
You were my friend ♪
Yes, you were my friend ♪
You were my friend ♪
How could you let me down? ♪
You were my friend ♪
♪
How can you stand and lie to me ♪
And look me in the face? ♪
I wish I knew what strange disease ♪
Could make you act that way ♪
All the things we did together ♪
I've known you for so long ♪
I always did believe in you ♪
How could I be so wrong? ♪
You were my friend ♪
Yes, you were my friend ♪
Ooh, you were my friend ♪
You were my friend ♪
How could you let me down? ♪
You were my friend ♪
♪