Harley Quinn (2019) s04e01 Episode Script

[POISON IVY]
Last season on Harley Quinn
I got my green on.
Batman created zombies instead of
going to therapy, for fuck's sake.
Joker became the mayor.
I went CEO at the LOD.
And Harley, she joined the Bat Fam.
All right, y'all caught up?
[GUNSHOTS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Come on! I'm just trying to [GRUNTS]
Nerts, that hurt!
[YELLS] I am just
trying to drop off lunch
for my hot and powerful girlfriend.
[HARLEY GRUNTING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[MAN SCREAMS] Ow!
I can't let good guys
into the Legion of Doom.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hey, babe, is the Bat Signal working?
- [ALARM BLARING FAINTLY]
Uh, yeah, why? Wait, wait.
D Does it not work during the day?
Honey, you forgot your lunch.
So I thought it would be, like,
sexy if I, like, did a crime,
and then you and the Bat Fam showed up.
Aw, I'm at the LOD with your lunch, ohh.
- God, we're cute.
- [MAN SCREAMS]
So damn cute.
Shit, more guards are coming.
There must be, like, a shift change.
Okay, good luck with your first day.
I love you so much. I gotta go.
- Love you more.
- [BOTH KISSING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
- Lex.
- There's my new SHE-EO.
Girl power and all that stuff.
You know, I got some pretty big plans.
I'm starting with the corporate rebrand.
What do you think of, like,
socially conscious evil?
Totally. Totally.
First, I thought I'd destroy
an oil rig safely, obviously.
And make the execs drink
all the oil, and boom,
high body count, zero
environmental damage.
All the deets are here in
this color-coded tabbed binder.
[LEX] Mmm.
Well, you know what? I think we'd
start things off on the right foot
to do, like, a ceremonial handing
over the keys in front of everyone.
Can't. I'm going to my
launchpad on the roof
and then heading to the moon.
The moon. That's cool. That's cool.
Hope the rocket isn't
shaped like a giant penis.
[SCOFFS] Am I right?
There is a scientific reason the
rocket needs to look like that.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
All right, this is you.
Lean in, disrupt, and
things of that nature.
[SCOFFING] It ain't no thang. [LAUGHING]
Oh, shit. That was terrible.
[GORILLA GRODD] Move, lady.
I want a perfect view of the doorway
for where the new CEO comes in.
I hope he's chill. I
hope he thinks I'm chill.
- Shut up.
- [DEVICE SQUEAKING]
I want to be able to hear
the new CEO's footsteps.
Oh, uh, so I'm guessing nobody
sort of, um, let you guys in.
But, uh, surprise.
[CHUCKLES] I'm the new CEO.
[METALLO] Fuck, it is true.
Look at her mug.
- [ROARING]
- [METALLO] Frick.
- She must have slept with Lex.
- [ALL PROTESTING]
[SNOWFLAME] I hope she gets pregnant.
[SNIFFS] Lex bowed to the
woke mob and hired a skirt.
- [MAN-BAT SCREECHING]
- Okay.
Why don't we all just, like, take
a seat and we can all discuss
How you think we should stop
brewing the break room coffee with beer?
Yeah, well, 'cause that
sounds fucking gross.
But listen up. The plan
is socially conscious evil.
Now, if you look in your dossier,
you're gonna see how together
we're gonna make that happen.
Never.
If this folder wasn't literally
perfect for doing lines off of,
I'd throw it in the trash.
That's right, the trash.
Even though I know this is recyclable.
[SNORTS AND SCREAMS]
[METALLO] If we wanted to
get bossed around by a lady,
- we would get girlfriends.
- [GORILLA GRODD GRUNTING]
This is so not chill! [GRUNTING]
- [GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION]
- [DEVICE SQUEAKING]
Oh, shit. That's a grenade.
- [EXPLOSION]
- Fuck.
[HARLEY] "Wonder Woman's
favorite winter salad recipes"?
Oh, God. She has more than one? Kill me.
Ooh, the Hottest Hotties list.
Such a fun issue.
I start a new gig in, like, 20.
Don't wanna show up early and
seem like a try-hard, you know.
The hell?
Devora Macklewaithe's number three?
What makes her so hot?
[MAN] Miss Macklewaithe has the
most beautiful clavicle in Gotham.
For sure, I mean,
whatever a clavicle is,
she certainly, certainly got a nice one.
Oh, Professor Pyg, I can't be
seen talking to you, no offense.
Because I'm not a hottie?
Notties are people, too.
'Cause I'm a major
player on the hero scene.
Yep, me and Wonder Woman.
You know, she called spinach the
new romaine, but the old kale?
Uh, okay.
That old lady seems to be
having one heck of a time
crossing the street. I
gotta go save her ass, bye.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
It's a bird, it's a plane.
It's motherfucking Harley Quinn!
Hello?
Was my pose not dramatic enough?
I blame your very soft lighting.
[GASPS] Harley, it's great to see you.
Oh, Captain Boomerang.
He knows his angles.
Okay, so what's the
plan? We kicking his ass?
I mean, it's Monday, so he's probably
at bingo at the senior center.
He loves a mature woman.
Ugh, ew.
We're just updating
our criminal database.
Yeah, we can't kick anyone's ass
until they actually do crimes.
Oh, great, great, okay.
What What if we go on Cleggslist,
and post a job
opportunity for "murderer",
then bash the skulls
of anyone who applies?
We're heroes.
We update records, do
paperwork and stay fit,
until the computer
tells us there's a crime.
Cool. Yeah, yeah.
Um, how about while we do that,
we get to know each other better?
You know, my three
biggest turn ons are
Harley, your frivolity
is not an asset here.
Geez, sorry for trying
to get a vibe going.
Ooh, now, that's good lighting.
My skin looks slick as a
Sorry, I shouldn't say.
There are children present.
a pair of titties at a car wash.
You need to get the shades or I'm
gonna photosynthesize everywhere.
I did put in the request, but I
don't want to get your hopes up.
Because when I went into the
supply office, the clerk says to me,
all the Soviet era dental clamps
and industrial-size funnels
that I need for my plan
to work got checked out.
Who else would need those?
- Okay, I know they're fucking with me.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Ugh, yes. At least I
know my outfit's here.
See, I'm gonna seize the oil rig
in, like, a crisp 19th-century
British Royal Navy Captain's uniform.
Ooh, that's fresh as hell.
"I'm a dumb boss."
- I don't hate the bottoms.
- Great.
Ugh, I mean, if this
gaggle of obtuse plebes
keeps cockblocking me,
I'm never gonna get anything done.
I might as well be the CEO of nothing.
Everything is just like it was before.
I'm doing it on my own, yet again,
just in a bigger office.
Maybe you need to put
your oil plan on hold
and disrupt the corporate
culture in this bitch first.
No, I I I don't
wanna manage people.
I just wanna do my
What the Fuck you!
- [CACKLING]
- [POISON IVY SIGHS]
I see your point.
Did Harley end up killing Sheryl
Sandberg in Jackson Hole last year,
or did she survive?
No, that was Andy Sandberg.
Okay, perfect.
I'm gonna spend the next four hours
numbing my brain with
idiotic Lean In TikTok.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Ugh, this is so boring.
Fighting crime is supposed to
be fun and dangerous and sexy.
Oh, my God, look!
[ALL GRUNTING]
- What?
- Nightwing's a Hottest Hottie?
- [HARLEY] "With rare flare from his derriere "
- [SIGHS]
"Nightwing's radiant rump has
him flying in at number two."
Oh, I can't believe I know you!
Do you have a publicist? Is
it Wonder Woman's publicist?
God, this is so cool. But
what's with the pap shot?
I won't degrade myself going to
a photo shoot for that trash rag.
[ALARM BLARING]
Yes! A crime to solve.
But you should consider getting
some tasteful nudes taken
while you're in peak physical form.
Your grandchildren will
definitely want them.
Okay, guys, a dead body's been found.
- We gotta go.
- Cool, a dead body.
Not so fast.
It's visitation day at Blackgate.
- And your papa awaits.
- [VEHICLE STARTS]
- Ugh, I never get to see dead people.
- [VEHICLE DEPARTS]
[HARLEY] Ew, oh, my God.
That's Mally Tomberson.
- Who?
- The, ugh! Only a huge Waynestagram model,
and heiress to the Old
Gotham Corn Factory.
Last night was the launch party
for her Hard Corn Water, hello?
Hello. You mean whiskey?
Legally, she can't call it that.
She explained it all on her live stream.
God, you guys are so uncultured!
So, do you look for DNA? Dust
for prints? Seduce the bartender?
[SIGHS] This cut's clean.
The killer could have
a background in surgery.
[EARPIECES BEEP]
[GASPS] Another body's been found
at the Hard Wayne's Gonna Fall
Ice Cream Pop-Up Experience.
Ugh, I'll handle it.
Should we send them
our ice cream orders?
Everyone says Childhood
Trauma Swirl is really good.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR BUZZING]
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[DAMIAN] Ew, this place
smells like a hamster cage.
Oh, Mr. Pennyworth? Young Master Damian?
I'm afraid you won't be able
to visit Master Bruce today.
So I missed the dead body
just to do absolutely nothing?
"Master Bruce"? Who are you?
Oh, I'm his butler, Alvin.
But I'm his butler.
Well, I'm his penal butler.
I must insist on seeing
Master Bruce immediately.
Oh, unfortunately, his DJ lessons
are running a wee bit long.
Now I must get back.
We have a call with the
CFO of Wayne Enterprises.
The stock prices have leveled off.
Hopefully, we can avoid
the trigger. [GIGGLES]
Uh, I'm sorry? You're
on a financial call?
Oh, sweetie.
He runs every big decision by me.
Ta-ta.
Hmm.
[VERONICA CALE ON PHONE] The thing
to remember about managing people
is they're inherently
stupid, needy and fragile,
which means they're easy to manipulate.
Ugh, another ad? Gotta
get the pro account.
Is that my scarf?
- [HARLEY SQUEALS]
- [POISON IVY GRUNTS]
- [KISSING]
- [GIGGLES]
Whoa, what's gotten into you?
I got all horned up
at a crime scene today.
You know what I think would be superhot?
Role playing.
Okay, yeah, what, all right.
What do you have in mind?
- Okay, you're a super-sexy crime boss
- Uh-huh.
and I am a sexually-pushy cop
who will cross any line
to get answers. [SQUEALS]
Okay, I like the sound of that.
- Who is it?
- [POISON IVY] Oh.
Who in your circle of
sickos is a surgeon?
Oh, eh, um
Dr. Big Boobs?
No, not Dr. Big Boobs, a real surgeon,
one with a fetish for amputation.
Oh, sorry. Okay.
Sor Sorry, Officer.
Um, it's Dr. Berkowitz.
Not your dermatologist.
God, the perp I'm tracking's whereabouts
are unaccounted for from
1:00 to 2:00 a.m. last night.
Tell me who it is!
- [SIGHS]
- What, you're not into this?
Honey, are you trying to get me to narc
on one of my new co-workers
through sex stuff?
Yes, I'm sorry.
I really want to figure out who did
it so I can impress the Bat Family.
And I thought you could just like,
I don't know, give me the answer?
Babe, I can't.
Listen, I don't even know what half
of those posers are up to, anyway.
They don't tell their one true
queen their devilish schemes?
Who's disrespecting
you? I will kill them!
Oh, that's so sweet.
- [CAT MEOWS]
- You know, if we're gonna make our new jobs work,
we do need to establish
some boundaries, right?
Like, I'll handle my work thing
so you don't have to worry about that.
I got some fresh ideas already brewing.
[GASPS] I love when
you make your idea face.
Okay, now I'm all horned up again.
How about you're a super-sexy crime
boss who's had an annoying day,
and I am your sexually-pushy underling.
Cater to my fragile male ego. [GIGGLING]
- [CHUCKLES]
- [BOTH MOAN SOFTLY]
Nope, he's dead, missing, hates me,
hate him, dickhead, dead dickhead.
- What happened to him? Don't wanna know.
- [LINE DIALING]
- Oh, this guy.
- [RIDDLER ON PHONE] You've reached Riddler's voicemail.
To leave a message, you must solve
a series of intricate mind-bending
Ugh, he better be in a movie.
Oh, right. He's dead too, delete.
[LINE DIALING]
[KING SHARK ON PHONE] Oh, hi, Harley.
- King, you busy? Great.
- [KING SHARK] Well, actually
Do you know a villain who loves
hot models and slicing limbs?
I'm so sorry to cast such a wide net.
Oh, Harley! Oh, you know I'm squeamish.
I'm shocked you called me about this.
Well, no one else picked up.
Well, you're a good guy now, so your
old friends aren't gonna help you.
[CHUCKLES] Of course, we're still pals,
but I am changing your name to
"Potential Spam" in my phone.
I I don't wanna lose my
standing in the villain community.
Ugh, those pussies.
What, good guys can't
be amazing friends?
- So, what you been up to?
- [CELL PHONE DINGS]
Well, Tabitha and I
are about to find out
Yeah. Sorry, King. I gotta go.
Seven, eight, oh, [CHUCKLES]
that's number nine.
Nine healthy little sharks.
Oh, I'm gonna need to get a job.
Vegan D-nuts on me, boys.
- [GORILLA GRODD GRUNTS]
- [METALLO] Nonplussed reaction.
[BANE] Ooh, maple leaf cinnamon.
Look, guys, I I got a lot
of appreciation for this team.
And, uh, I get it. You
know, you're at your job,
and suddenly there's,
like, this green lady,
- like, all up in your business.
- [SCREECHES]
Totally hear that.
And I just want you guys to
know that I love feedback.
So If you do have a
crazy idea, shoot it over.
Ping it into my hear holes
and my door is always open.
[METALLO] We knock down city hall
and build a gladiator death ring.
Bitching, am I right?
Yeah, uh, totally bitching.
I create a force field,
we fill it with hot babes.
- And the cool thing is, they have to go out with me.
- Right.
THREE WORDS: cocaine, zoo, disaster.
- Okay.
- Wait, wait.
I need three more words.
Electric, eels, high.
Ah, fuck.
Basically, we give a
bunch of eels cocaine
- and watch them fuck up shit at the zoo.
- Huh.
[BANE] I need 'splosives,
lots of 'splosives.
- I wanna blow up a
- This is great stuff. I love this.
Left the The quantity empty,
so just to go nuts there.
[BANE] Whoa, I feel seen, ah.
As I step away for some highly
cool and important training,
the people of Gotham need not worry.
You are in capable hands. The
Bat-Fam's got your back, fam.
And that was supposed to be a
reassuring message from Batman.
But with the recent uptick
in mutilation murders,
Gotham's left wondering,
will we pay the price for
the Bat Family's failures?
And will that price be an arm or a leg?
So, where were you last night?
I told the story a million times.
I was out to dinner
at this new restaurant
you'll never get into, Bucket and Maup.
Oh, my God. No, wait.
That's where Martian Manhunter and
Grimes just got in a huge fight.
Mar-Man told Grimes that
he could never love her.
And she threw a bananas foster on
his lap, lighting his penis on fire.
I was sitting in the next booth.
Aw, jealous.
Don't be. My own husband stood me up.
The only way to get him
out of the house these days
is a celebrity golf tournament.
Whatever. Fuck him.
I was so bored that I live
streamed the whole thing.
[GASPS] That's it.
The other victims were
live streaming, too.
That's how the killer
figures out where they are.
Hey, uh, do you think they'll
find my clavicle in time
for the Hottest Hotties gala?
- [HARLEY GASPS]
- My dress is made from ten live puppies,
and every day I don't wear
it, they get less cute.
[IN NASAL VOICE] "Miss
Macklewaithe has the most
beautiful clavicle in Gotham."
Thank you so much.
What's wrong with your voice?
It's Professor Pyg!
He's picking off our
city's Hottest Hotties.
- Wait, what?
- I saw him at the newsstand.
And he was drooling all
over Devorah's clavicle.
It has got to be him.
God, I am so good at my new job.
All the clues are just drawn to me.
[CHUCKLES] Great work, Harley.
Now we need to catch him.
I have an idea, and
someone's gonna hate it.
There's my girl.
A clerk who knows how to
work. What's up, baby face?
Oh, wow, Ivy.
The guys in shipping are gonna
be pissed they missed you.
You're the talk of the basement.
Love to hear it.
I need, uh, uh, 20 goons,
dental clamps and funnels.
Enough to channel about, like,
84 million gallons of oil
into the mouths of men.
Ooh, pretty sure those
84 million gallons of oil
are floating in the sea
as of about 20 minutes ago.
What? What do you That's impossible.
Oh, you didn't hear?
Bane blew up an oil rig. [CHUCKLES]
- [CELL PHONE DINGS]
- It's so funny.
I love Bane.
[GROANS]
Shit, shit, shit, shit!
The fuck? I'm such a chump.
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- [IVY GROANS]
[GROANS AND GRUNTS]
'Sup, boss.
Hey, what are you doing?
You're in the executive
women's restroom.
Never been a lady executive.
So the boys deem this one dumpers only.
[DOOR OPENS]
Ivy, what are you doing in
the executive women's restroom?
I'm the executive woman here.
Look at you! Whoo!
Isn't this bathroom the tits?
I come here when I pick up my
widow's benefits checks from HR.
- How are you?
- You know, just reaching a career low,
enabling overgrown goon
babies to destroy the world.
You know, it's customary
to just say, "I'm good."
Oh, you get to say a
long thing and I don't?
Hey, I don't make the rules.
Hey, not to pile on here, but
that stall's out of shit tickets.
Hey, Snowflake.
Never interrupt two women
talking in the restroom.
It's not Snowflake.
- I am not Snowflake. Hey, stop.
- Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!
- Your fly's open.
- [SNOWFLAME] Bitch.
- Dickless prick.
- Ugh.
Hey, Executive Woman, cut the wallowing.
Who cares if you're a cool boss?
You're not cool, but you're Poison Ivy.
Oh, [SIGHS] okay. Thanks.
I guess I mean
Remember, you brought a beautiful
frozen woman back to life
with your weird science powers.
You can do whatever you
want with the Legion of Doom.
There is a place for
everyone else's opinions.
And it's in that tiny, waxy paper bag
that's inside that little metal mailbox
in that stall with my dirty tampons.
You know what, you're right.
Everyone can get on
board or they can fuck off
to that tiny tampon mailbox.
There we go.
Yeah, yeah. And you're not
supposed to be in here either.
- [NORA] Love that.
- God, you're a bulldozer, you know that?
Do you want to be my assistant?
Hmm, not really.
Well, then, I'm gonna have to
change the locks on this bathroom.
I'll do it.
I am Umberto Argento,
the famous Italian
photographer without an accent.
Where is the subject of my art?
Ugh, again. Why do I have to do this?
Oh, we're live streaming this
Gotham Monthly photo shoot
to lure Pyg here.
[NIGHTWING] I understand the plan.
Why do we have to
actually take the photos?
If Pyg shows up and we're just
holding each other's fucking nutsacks,
he'll know it's a trap.
Now, let's get that ass to clap, baby.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, I finally did it.
I gave Gotham Magazine the
exclusive on my, ugh, juicy caboosey.
Oh, yeah.
You're three spritzes deep
and it's sunset on the Rialto,
when your love calls your name.
Turn around and smolder.
I said smolder! Gorgeous.
Okay, now you've lost your
job with the olive oil factory,
and mama tries to comfort you,
pulling you into her ample bosom.
Okay, now serve me young coed
studying in Naples for the summer. Yes!
[MESSAGES BEEPING]
All right, where's the dead body?
- [HARLEY GASPS]
- [ROBIN] Oh, come on.
- [BATGIRL] Were the lights supposed to go out?
- [HARLEY GASPS]
Feels like someone's about to
make their big entrance, huh?
[BATGIRL] I'll find the generator.
[GRUNTING] Almost got it. There.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
- [BATGIRL] Professor Pyg?
- [HARLEY] Nightwing?
Not cool, dude.
Okay. Everyone's plans,
schemes, plots, on the table.
[DEVICE VIBRATING]
- [METALLO] I already rented a wood chipper.
- [ALL CLAMORING]
Uh-uh-uh.
No more blowing up shit
and pathetic cash grabs
and problematic ways to date hot babes.
So played out, done.
Basic as AF. Mm-mm-mm.
[POISON IVY] And from now on,
everyone's working together on my stuff.
Socially conscious evil.
Anything that isn't a part
of that is not gonna happen.
Okay? All my shit, all day long.
We're not gonna let
this bullshit happen!
This is racist against men.
[GRUNTS AND ROARS]
[ALL CLAMORING]
What's with the raggedy-ass Andy's?
They're Dollotrons. Poor, lost souls
brainwashed to do Pyg's bidding.
I wish we could help Ugh!
Gross, don't touch me.
[ROBIN GRUNTING]
[YELLS AND GRUNTS]
[SCREECHES]
[NORA] Get him!
[METALLO] She's not the boss of me.
- [NORA] Ooh, watch out.
- [POISON IVY GRUNTS]
- [ROARING]
- [POISON IVY GRUNTING]
Yeah, rip his fucking arm off, Ivy!
[GORILLA GRODD AND POISON IVY GRUNTING]
Do you think I'm scared of you?
[GRUNTS]
- [LAUGHS]
- [NORA] You go, boss!
[NORA] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yes!
[SNOWFLAME SCREAMS]
- [BATGIRL GRUNTS]
- [SLASHING]
[HARLEY GRUNTS] This is all my fault.
I have to save Nightwing.
[GRUNTING]
[METALLO] Oh, no. My system
seems to be malfunctioning.
Zeep, zap, spark, spark.
[GRUNTS] I don't think so, you tin cunt.
Wow. [GRUNTS] Ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
[SCREAMING]
Ahhh!
You'll never beat me.
[STOMACH RUMBLING]
Oh, God, the vegan doughnuts.
[FARTS AND RETCHES]
[BANE] Sorry, my landlord called.
He's finally going to put in
a carbon monoxide detector.
Whoa, what happened here?
Hey, Bane. Your next big evil plot
is to clean up a shitload
of oil from Gotham Harbor.
[BANE] But I just 'sploded that oil!
I'll get a bucket.
What's the perfect human
without a perfect bootay?
My creation is mere
moments from being realized.
Holy shit! A hot Dollotron?
Harley! Yes!
I love my ass. Okay, I
admit it. Now, help me.
I knew you cared.
Drop the scalpel, Pyg!
My coworker's wild, perfect-party ass
does not belong on a flesh doll.
It, honestly, it belongs in a museum.
Too late. This rump
is a singular beauty,
- and it's time to cut the cake.
- [NIGHTWING] No, no.
[GRUNTS] Got you!
- [PROFESSOR PYG] Ah.
- [YELLS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
It's gonna take a lot more than some
[BOTH GRUNTING]
- [POUNDING]
- [HARLEY GRUNTING]
Well, looks like I saved your ass.
- [NIGHTWING] What You killed him?
- Oh, my God, is he dead?
Cool.
Ivy has pledged to take the Legion
in a green-conscious direction,
which sent LexCorp stocks soaring.
The same can't be said
for Wayne Enterprises,
whose stocks are in a
free fall after the news.
We've hit the trigger.
Fuel up the jet.
I'm going to Gotham.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]