Him and Her (2010) s04e01 Episode Script

1 I love weddings.
I love 'em.
I can't wait.
You taking the piss? L-I think I think it's going to be the highlight of the year.
Yes, um, Paul's asked me to be his best man.
- But you don't even like each other! - (CHUCKLES) Yes, we do.
You'll have lots of fun on the stag do, won't you? - Mm-hm.
- With all Paul's friends.
Mmm.
LAURA: I'm gonna put bells on it, so you'll jingle when you come up the aisle.
Nice.
This is the one I'm thinking is the most bridesmaids-y.
Yeah, that's really nice, Laur.
I think Laura would look lovely in a veil.
Just something to, you know not hide her face, but I know what you mean.
LAURA: Now give me a kiss.
I want tongues.
What do you want tongues for? Just do it.
LAURA: Imagine being married to me for 25 years.
He'll end up killing me.
(CHUCKLES) No, I won't.
LAURA: Go away, Paul.
I don't want to speak to you.
PAUL: I'm not going anywhere, darling.
(DOOR SLAMS) I can't wait for the wedding.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) LAURA: Becks (KNOCK AT DOOR) Becky? (KNOCKING CONTINUES) Becks.
Becky.
(KNOCKS AGAIN) Wake up, Becks! It's my wedding day! I'm getting married today, Becks! (GIGGLES) It's five to seven.
Becky! I'm asleep.
Tell her to go away.
It's five to seven.
- You tell her.
- She's your sister.
You're closer to the door.
No, I'm not.
- (IMPATIENT KNOCKING) - Becks! It's my wedding day! Get up, you lazy bitch! That's it.
You are going out there and you are telling her to go back to bed.
Yeah, all right.
- (POUNDING ON DOOR) - Becky! Wake the fuck up.
Becky! Get up, you silly slag.
SHELLY: Is she awake? LAURA: Er, Shelly, did you open the champagne? - No, I - Who the fuck do you think you are? I think she's gone.
- Becky.
- OK.
(SIGHS) The ceremony doesn't start till two.
Who needs eight hours to get ready? Seven hours.
I reckon she's gone back to bed for a bit - realised how early it is.
(PHONE RINGS) BECKY: (GROANS) No! Right, that's it.
Answer the phone.
- Come on! - Please (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) (BECKY GROANS) - (STEVE GROANS) - BECKY: Ow! - (BECKY GROANS) - (STEVE CHUCKLES) (STEVE SNIGGERS) (SIGHS) Oh, God, I can smell myself.
That's a new low.
How was Paul last night? Steve.
You looking forward to doing your speech? I'm just gonna keep speaking, so you might as well get up.
Why aren't we like that? Steve! Why aren't we like that? - Oh, my God, shut up! - What?! One - of course you can smell yourself.
You're a stinky bitch.
Two - Paul was depressing.
I left him in the pub because he made me want to die.
Three - my best man's speech is fine.
I got it off the internet.
And four - why aren't we like what? (CHUCKLES) Cos we're not a pair of fucking arseholes.
So you're awake, then? Yes, I'm awake! (POUNDING ON DOOR) - LAURA: Beck! Beck! - SHELLY: Becky! Becky! - (SIGHS) - (POUNDING AND CALLING CONTINUES) You are such a knob! - (POUNDING CONTINUES) - LAURA: Beck! Wake up, Beck, it's my wedding day! SHELLY: Wake up, Becky, it's Laura's wedding day! (GROANS) ALL: Hooray! - Happy wedding day! - Oh, my God, Becks, look at Shell.
(LAURA GIGGLES) - Oh, my God! - Steve.
Imagine going to a wedding like that! You all right? Yeah.
We think it'll fade.
She thinks it'll fade.
(THEY GIGGLE) Try not to laugh.
It's ugly.
You OK, Laura? You sleep OK? Erm, yeah.
I was a bit on edge at first, if I'm honest, but I had a little wank and slept like a log.
- Good.
- Let's see your room, then.
I'm sure there's something we can do about it.
Yeah.
I was saying, there must be a cream or something.
Yeah.
There must be.
And anyway, when I'm all dressed up, I don't think anyone will notice.
(BABY GRIZZLES) Ha! My room's twice as big as yours and it overlooks the car park.
(GIGGLES) Come on, girls! Time for girlie fun! You're going to do my toenails.
Paul! Wake up, Paul, it's your wedding day! This is your wife speaking! (GIGGLES) I can hear him snoring.
BOTH: Aw! I love you, Paul, baby! See you later, husband! (THEY GIGGLE) Could you take this for a sec? Thanks.
(BABY GRIZZLES) Great.
(BABY CRIES) I've got seven hours of that.
(STEVE LAUGHS) At least you didn't have to go out with Paul last night.
- It was the pits.
- Sh! You know, beneath all that crap he gives out, when you actually chat to him - when you actually just sit down and have a chat with him - he's actually really, really boring.
- (BABY WAILS) - Gonna be nice and quiet - for your Auntie Becky, aren't you? - One minute.
I'm trying to wee.
There's a good girl.
- (SNEEZES) - (BABY STOPS CRYING) He was telling me how Ryman's get deliveries on a Wednesday.
Seriously, that's a half-hour I'll never get back.
(BABY CRIES) I had to leave him - I was falling asleep.
I think I'm coming down with something.
(BABY CONTINUES TO CRY) Sh, sh, sh.
Here.
Let me.
Thanks.
(BABY CRIES) Hey! Come on! No, don't be like that.
It's Uncle Steve! Brr, Uncle Steve, brr, Uncle Steve, ba-ba-ba-ba! - Ba-ba-ba-ba! - (BABY WAILS) Ba-ba-ba-ba! - Shall I - Yep.
I'm going to bed.
LAURA: Steve, you gonna wake my Paul up? You're meant to be the best man, remember! D'you wanna be a bit quieter, yeah? You should've heard Shelly first thing this morning.
I thought she was gonna kill herself.
Shall we be a bit quieter? It's really early.
I think she did it on purpose.
At her age, you'll do anything to stand out.
It's seven o'clock, Laur.
People are trying to sleep.
- Did you get biscuits in your room? - Yeah.
Yeah, so did I, except mine were shortbread.
Yeah, I think ours were shortbread.
Lovely.
Yeah, but they gave me two of them.
Yeah, I think we got two of them, actually.
- Yeah, but mine were nicer.
- OK.
Right, everyone! The chief bridesmaid's here! She's going to start with a little speech about me and Paul - while we all get shit-faced! - You what? ALL: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! - LAURA: Er, Bianca, I'm sitting there - (DOOR CLOSES) Paul? It's a privilege to be here with Laura on her special morning.
Er Laura and Paul are just so perfect for each other - it's amazing.
So it's gonna be a great day.
- SHELLY: Aw! - (CLAPPING) What a lovely speech.
Really lovely.
Very moving.
Aw.
That's so sweet of you, Becks.
Thank you.
- She's such a cutie, isn't she? - BOTH: Yeah.
I'm genuinely touched.
I'm genuinely, genuinely, really touched.
I don't deserve it.
I don't deserve it at all.
But thank you so much.
Anything to add? (GASPS) Yes.
Up you get.
No answer? Er, no.
'Fraid not.
- Steve, isn't it? - Yeah.
Lee? Yeah.
- Yeah.
Nice to see you again.
- Thanks.
Congratulations on your engagement.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks very much.
It's very exciting.
Yeah.
- L-I used to go out with Becky.
- No, I know.
Yeah.
Me and Becky's dad tried earlier - there's no answer.
Oh, OK.
Well, I'll go see if he's at breakfast.
It's so nice to meet you again.
- Catch up in a bit, yeah? - Yeah.
It's such an exciting day! - I was going to pop down to my car.
- Excellent.
- You might want to put on some trousers.
- Yes.
which is why I believe that Laura and Paul are the perfect couple and will be till the day they die.
I'm not going to die.
Till the day Paul dies.
Thanks, Shell.
That was lovely.
So sophisticated.
Now, I've just got (BABY WAILS) I've just got a little something to say thank you for being a part of the special day, when I'm marrying the love of my life - Paul.
- Aw, you didn't have to do that, Laura.
- I know.
- That's so generous of you.
- I know it is.
You waited? Thanks.
Nice jeans.
Oh, thanks.
Yes.
I got them from, er ASDA.
Ah! Dan! Lee, this is Dan and Kieran.
Dan's me and Becky's neighbour.
He goes out with Kieran's mum, Shelly - Shelly Mills.
Oh, you lucky fella.
Thank you very much.
Dan, this is Lee.
He used to go out with Becky.
We were together - for four-and-a-half years.
- Yeah.
Steve told me all about you.
Has he? No.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Dan.
Do you want a biscuit? Erm, I'm all right.
Yeah, I'm OK, thanks, Dan.
I had something before I came out.
You want any milk? Er, I'm OK, actually.
Yeah, I'm fine, thanks, big guy.
Er, we're just looking for Paul.
I'm just heading down to breakfast, see if he's there.
Oh, it's such an exciting day.
Laura and Paul - they make such a great couple, don't they? It's amazing, isn't it, Dan? Oh, it's really annoying.
Lift's actually really slow.
LEE: Has Becky ever told you about the time we got stuck in a lift? (STEVE CHUCKLES) No.
Each one's got a picture on it of something you hold dear.
Oh, that's lovely.
Thanks, Laur.
- That's amazing.
- It's so clever.
- Yeah.
- Things they can do nowadays.
I've got you an especially big one because you're going to do my toenails.
Thanks.
I've got Laura on mine.
What've you got? Lovely.
Lee! Oh, no! Not you two! - We heard you were back.
- Yeah, they did a bit on Crimewatch.
- I was hoping no-one saw that.
- You're looking very dapper.
Oh, it's just something I threw on.
- Hello.
- Hi.
So, how was Afghanistan? Sorry, I thought you all knew each other.
This is Sue and Dennis, Becky's auntie and uncle.
This is Dan and Kieran.
Dan goes out with Kieran's mum, Shelly - Shelly Mills.
Oh, yeah.
Blimey.
Lucky fella.
- Dennis! - What? And this is Steve - he's Paul's best man and Becky's fiancé.
Oh, yes.
Hello.
Hi! Yes! - You've got the bedsit, haven't you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Erm We, er We can't find Paul.
Me and him had a bit of a drink last night.
I left him to it, so I hope he's OK.
No, but Seriously - he'll be fine.
If he's not dead in a ditch! (CHUCKLES) I'm joking, I'm joking.
I know for a fact Laura and Paul are a great couple and this is going to be such a great day.
Thanks.
Auntie Becky is gonna take you to see your daddy, so you can make all the fucking noise you want.
- OK? I used to work in a law firm.
Hey, girls.
Don't let Paul come out, Becks! I'm not allowed to see him! It's bad luck, Becks! (THEY GIGGLE) OK! Oh, my God, girls! What if I saw Paul before the ceremony? Agh! - Off you go.
- Right.
Hey, Shelly.
What's that? No! (THEY GIGGLE) Hey, Becks, don't let him see me! OK! (GIGGLING CONTINUES) Paul? DENNIS: Well, how drunk was he? - What are we talking about? Was he - He was fine.
Honestly! I mean, I only stayed for one then I left him to it.
I was exhausted, Sue.
I think I'm coming down with something.
You left him alone in a pub the night before his wedding? Erm Paul, I've got Laura's key card so I'm gonna come in, OK? (LAURA GIGGLES) Oh, my God, this is so mad! I'm getting married! Paul? Look, Paul's a big boy.
If you know what I mean.
(CHUCKLES) Why are you laughing? What part of this do you think is funny? OK.
He's absolutely fine.
I promise you.
He'll be having his breakfast and getting all excited about marrying the love of his life.
Oh, no.
(LAURA GIGGLES) LEE: Paul, mate, what's up? PAUL: I'm going to kick this fucking thing until it dies.
STEVE: Stop kicking it now, Paul.
DENNIS: This is what happens when you leave him in the pub on his own.
I didn't think he'd end up like this, did I? SUE: What did you think? Tell me, Steve, what did you think? - I thought he needed some time alone.
- Don't give me this bullshit.
- LEE: Dennis, mate, come on, let's - STEVE: Paul Oh, my God! Stay in there! Stay in there, Paul! It's bad luck! He said he'll take her later.
He's about to have a shower.
- Shall we go back into the room? - Did he ask about me? Yeah.
He's so excited about marrying you.
Did you hear that, girls? Let's go inside and I'll tell you all about it.
Bianca What else did he say? Oh, er, tons.
Let's, erm What did he say, Becks? Come on.
He said that you're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.
- (SHELLY GASPS) - Oh, my God! Go on.
- Shall we - Becks.
He said that marrying you is gonna be one of the most fantastic things that he's ever done.
- SHELLY: (GASPS) Aw! - Oh, my God, I'm welling up.
Yeah, it's amazing.
Now let's pop into the room.
Oh, my God, I'm delirious! Laura, darling! Lorraine! Ah! (THEY SQUEAL AND GIGGLE) Now, these fireworks.
We're going to have to have them on the back lawn, I'm afraid.
I know Laura wanted them on the roof but that really is a health and safety nightmare.
Oh, thanks.
Great.
Er, that's fine, isn't it, Paul? (GRUNTS) Yep, I think he's happy with that.
Y-You only need to press it the once.
Oh.
Sorry.
I'm not sure that's actually suitable for sitting on, Paul.
Erm Can I talk to you about the cake? It's just we're not sure (GLASS BREAKS) OK.
Denise, can you send Alan through to the lobby, please? - (RADIO CRACKLES) - Denise? Sorry, Paul, that actually hurts a little bit.
Lorraine's here! Hiya, Shelly, darlin'.
Nice tan.
Willy Wonka's downstairs.
I think he's looking for you.
(CHUCKLES) (LAURA AND LORRAINE GIGGLE) Don't worry, Shell.
I'm only serious.
Isn't she brilliant?! Yeah.
Shall we go back in? Looking forward to the mud packs, guys? I'll need more than that for yourskin, Shelly.
Anyone got a time machine? Can we go back in the room? We don't want you seeing Paul, do we? All right, Becky.
Don't have a period.
(LAURA GIGGLES) - I'm getting married! - Yay! (THEY GIGGLE) Wow.
Who invited Zippy? That's my cousin Bianca, yet another one of my bridesmaids.
Bianca, this is Lorraine.
She's the beauty therapist.
I've got my work cut out with you, ain't I? Don't smile in the photos, darlin'.
There's a good girl.
(THEY GIGGLE) - Stick them on the bed, yeah? - OK.
I've saved a place for you at the wedding breakfast if you fancied staying.
- I'm all right.
- I'd really like it if you came.
I know you would.
(LIFT BELL PINGS) (DOOR SLAMS) What happened to him? Hey.
I'll just, erm LAURA: Oh, my God! It's Lee! Laura, darling! I've brought you a little something.
LORRAINE: Is this the stripper? (THEY CACKLE) LORRAINE: Is this the stripper, Laura?! LAURA: Lee, Lee, Lee.
Lee, Lee! Lee, we're going to make Shelly eat out of a bin! - LORRAINE: It was my idea.
- (THEY GIGGLE) (DOOR CLOSES) I think they prefer him to me.
D'you reckon? Did you have to speak to him much? Oh, let me see.
Yes.
I've had a lovely morning.
I've met your Uncle Dennis and your Auntie Sue - made them hate me.
Wow! And then I got to hear all about the time you got stuck in a lift in Paris with Lee.
- No! - Mm.
It was awful.
He made us drink wine the whole weekend.
- No Stella? - No.
- But you were in France.
- Yeah.
And he made me queue for four hours to see the Mona Lisa.
(WHISPERS) Shut up! Four whole hours to see the Mona Lisa.
- Google it.
You'll see it straightaway.
- That's what I said.
That's nice.
Oof! Did she get me one? So what happened to Paul? Where did he stay last night? Here.
I just found him outside the front of the hotel, topless, kicking a plant.
I don't know what the word is.
I went into his room.
It hasn't been slept in.
Really? - (DOOR OPENS) - LAURA AND LORRAINE: Bye! Bye, Lee! LORRAINE: Bye, Lee! Love you! They're having a lovely time, aren't they? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Good to see you.
- Yeah.
And you.
- Yeah.
Bernadette's lovely, isn't she? Yeah.
She's lovely.
So peaceful.
No, she's great.
Yeah.
Lovely baby.
Mwah! LAURA: Becks! Time to do my toenails, darling! - Will you bring me the scissors? - Yep.
LAURA: Becks, tell Shelly to eat out of the bin.
She's having another one of her hissy fits.
SHELLY: I'm sorry but I'm going to put my foot down about this.
(DOOR CLOSES) No, she's such a great baby, isn't she? Why'd you leave him alone the night before his wedding? (CHUCKLES) Well, I didn't think he'd end up like that! Precisely, Steve.
You didn't think.
Stupid.
It's really, really stupid.
You could've ruined the wedding, mate.
(BABY GRIZZLES) I'll see you in a bit, yeah? Yep.
(KNOCKING) LEE: They want you to look after Bernadette.
NIGEL: Oh, for God's sake.
LEE: How's Jill doing? Can I get her some breakfast? NIGEL: No, she'll only bring it back up.
All right.
(DOOR SHUTS) DAN: Leave it.
Come on.
MAN: I was thinking we could, er, get someone to, er WOMAN: Don't you dare tell anyone about last night.
MAN: Right.
- You take the stairs.
- Yep.
( LULU: Boom Bang-A-Bang) Come closer, come closer and listen The beat of my heart keeps on missin' PAUL: What are you doing? You can't be here.
GRAHAM: We need to talk.
We can't leave it like this, Paul.
Come on.
Come closer and love me tonight That's right Come closer and cuddle me tight My heart goes boom bang-a-bang Boom bang-a-bang When you are near ALL: Cheesy feet! You're going in a limo with Laura, dressed like a ladyboy.
You really think you're funny, don't you? PAUL: Graham's brought his car.
He wants me to run away with him.
Hello, Paul.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
- Good luck with that.
- Thanks.
- We're in a limo! - We're in a limo! Faster, faster! My car's in the disabled bay out front.
- OK.
- So I'm going to pop out and start the car.
In the meantime, you'll need to create a diversion.
Take one of my face.
I've got loads of your face.
Shall we get one with your dad? Take one of my face or I'll cry.
The wedding's ruined.
Everything's finished.
What's going on? It's off.
It's cancelled.
Tell everyone to go home.
PAUL: I can't believe you, Steve! It's such a lovely feeling When I'm in your arms Don't go away, I wanna stay My whole life through Boom bang-a-bang-bang, close to you Your smile is so warm and inviting The thought of your kiss is exciting So hold me and don't keep me waiting Come closer and love me tonight That's right Come closer and cuddle me tight.