Hot In Cleveland s04e01 Episode Script

Last season on Hot in Cleveland: How 'bout it, sweet cheeks? Want to hit the town? You're interested in me? Haven't you noticed that I've been hitting on you relentlessly for the past 20 years? Well, at least you got a new boyfriend.
Hold it down.
He's asleep upstairs.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
We have a baby.
What do we do? Margarita.
Great idea.
I'll make a pitcher.
Drinking now? Really? Actually, Margarita was my children's nanny.
I guess when I saw the baby, my maternal instinct just kicked in.
What kind of a monster leaves a baby on a doorstep? That would be me, Mom.
Owen! Sorry, I had so much stuff I made two trips.
So this is your baby? I have a grand Son.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Everybody, this is my grandson! Owen, why didn't you tell me? The last time we spoke, the big news in your life was that you'd given up gluten.
Oh, good for you! A few weeks ago, a girl that I had a one-night stand with suddenly showed up on my doorstep with a baby.
She said that she couldn't take care of him.
So it was either me, or put Wilbur up for adoption.
I needed time to think.
The time to think was before you named him Wilbur.
I am so sorry to dump this on you, but now that my folks are gone, I didn't know who else to turn to.
Oh, honey, I'm glad you came to me.
Oh Oh, no, he's crying.
Holy Cher, it's a baby! He stopped crying! Of course he did.
My voice is very soothing to babies.
It's like a lullaby.
Pierre, that's my good silk robe.
Oh, I know--I've got one at home just like it.
Um, is he your boyfriend? Oh, good God, no.
He's my boyfriend.
Ba-ba, ba-ba Ba-ba, ba-ba Hey! I love the name Wilbur.
I think it's strong and unique.
What's Owen's last name again? Burr.
SoWilbur Burr.
Your five minutes are up.
My turn to hold the baby.
Hello.
Mmm, new baby smell.
Brings me right back.
One minute you're young, holding your babies, then poof-- they're on their own, and suddenly so are you.
Time just goes by so quickly.
Ding! All right, hand him over.
No, the timer didn't go off.
Yes, but new baby smell is turning you into philosophical, red wine Melanie instead of cheerful, white wine Melanie.
Sorry.
Babies make me think about life.
Now that I'm all caught up on The Good Wife, I could use another challenge.
This is nice.
You know, being a working mom, I didn't get to do this enough.
Hey, Will.
So what do you think Owen's going to do? Well, it's his decision, and I'll support whatever he chooses.
Oh, but, God, I hope he keeps him.
Oh a little boy just like him.
And I can't bear to go through that again.
Ding! My turn.
You know, you could make his decision a lot easier by showing him that he'll get plenty of help from the perfect grandmother.
Or grandmothers.
And one surprisingly youthful aunt.
Or older sister, in the right lighting.
You know, you're right.
Not about the older sister thing.
That's just insane.
But the idea could work.
I'm gonna be the perfect grandmother.
And you can start by taking all the night feedings.
Night feedings? What are those? Once you turn off the baby monitor, they sleep till morning.
Not a peep.
Man, oh, Manilow.
Where's the baby? Oh, my God, where's Wilbur? Where could he be? Maybe the dingo ate it.
Guess who just got a part in a Woody Allen movie? Oh, thank God, he's with Victoria.
You should've told us.
All right, I'll answer.
I got a part in a Woody Allen movie.
Is he okay? Did you feed him? Oh, he's fine.
He's been napping for the last hour.
Well, I've got to get to the salon.
That saucy minx, Mrs.
Walbaum, is begging me to give her a shag.
You better mean the haircut.
Don't hate the stylist, baby.
Hate the game.
Will I see you tonight? Oh, tonight You know, I'm not sure.
I'll call you.
Was that a brush-off? Joy, you're the expert.
Was that a brush-off? Yes, it was a brush-off! Now, who's gonna congratulate me on my movie? Congratulations, Victoria.
How did you get it? Well, last night I was thinking, if Wilbur got a job here, then he'd have to stay.
So I went online, and I looked up baby auditions.
You took my grandson on an audition? Well, what parent doesn't want their child to be a star? Oh, right.
Oh, those kids turn out great.
Anyway, Wilbur blew his audition, but I got a part.
Still, you shouldn't have scared me like that.
Oh, Wilbur was perfectly fine.
He hasn't even cried once.
That's not Wilbur.
Are you sure? We just met him yesterday.
He's black, you idiot.
Okay, we're here.
Where is he? I don't know.
Maybe we should think like detectives, look for clues.
Oh, my God, where's my baby? This isn't my baby.
There's one.
Well, that's a relief.
Are you still checking your phone to see if Pierre called? The man's been hitting on me for 20 years.
And now it's "I'll call you.
" We've all been there.
Well, I haven't.
How do you get the upper hand back? Well, the classic way would be to make him jealous with another guy.
Do you know someone? His brother, Etienne.
He's even less traditionally masculine than Pierre.
Seriously? You can't even get a wheatgrass smoothie in this town? Cleveland blows.
- Listen, sister-- - Elka, I'll handle this.
Excuse me.
Cleveland does not blow.
Are you kidding? The humidity is disgusting.
And what kind of city doesn't have a Four Seasons? Even Baltimore has a Four Seasons.
Okay, you want to talk Four Seasons, we have got a beautiful, snow-white winter, a spring so green you'll cry at the first crocus, and a lakeside summer so sweet you'll swear that Norman Rockwell was sitting right there-- Security! I'll handle this.
And Cleveland also has gorgeous security For some odd reason.
Chloe Powell.
How would you like to work for me? Oh, in security? I'd be terrible.
I'm a truster.
No, my company develops campaigns to promote Cleveland.
And the spin you just put on this town was pure magic.
Are you really offering me a job? Because I was just telling my girlfriends last night-- It's just a job.
Don't make it a thing.
- Walk and talk.
- Okay.
I got a job! Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
So basically, you've done nothing.
Well, I raised two children.
I like to think of myself as an accomplished home manager.
I like to think of myself as pushing 40.
And you'll think of me that way too if you know what's good for you.
Yeah, I'm also pushing 40.
No, you're not.
Thank you, Laura.
Final question.
How would you solve world peace? I don't know.
I mean, I don't even know if it is solvable.
And that's exactly what I said as Miss Ohio to Mr.
Gary Collins.
But those Miss America bastards couldn't handle the truth.
I came in second place! Oh, my God! You were first runner-up! Yes! And those 364 days I waited for Miss New Jersey to croak or do nudies were the longest days of my life.
Melanie, I like your shoes.
They say power, style, confidence-- take them off.
Seriously? Yes, I want to wear them to my meeting with the mayor.
Hmm.
They really look better with your blouse.
Good one.
Boy, he's cute.
I'd flirt if I wasn't barefoot and wearing a flowered tarp.
I look like a crazy person.
I need some subtle way to let him know I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.
Me either.
I-I know I look crazy, but this isn't even my jacket.
I borrowed it after my new boss made me take off my blouse.
For work reasons.
I would've borrowed shoes too, except everybody else's feet were way smaller than mine.
Not that my feet are big.
It's just it was an office full of freakishly small feet.
You know, and it was a new job, and my feet swell when I get nervous, and it's really important to make a good first impression.
Don't you think? Tall building.
Big news.
I just got the first page of the script.
Listen to my first line.
"People like us" Wait--was it "people like us" or " people, like us.
" Well, what's the line before? Well, he only sent the one line.
There's no context.
I mean, I've got to make this thing sing.
You know-- maybe he wants me to sing.
People like us He doesn't want you to sing.
I got a job! In that jacket? My boss made me take my top off.
Been there.
Oh, my God, Joy.
Why is there a stripe on Wilbur's face? Oh, just the littlest mix-up with baby wipes and tanning wipes.
But look what I'm doing now.
I'm turning his precious footprint into a timeless memory in cement.
Oh, no.
Why isn't it coming off? It's stuck.
Melanie, Google: "Baby foot stuck in cement," hashtag: "No one's fault.
" What's all the commotion? Elka, your hair.
Etienne did it.
At Etienne's House of Hair.
Formerly Supercuts.
- Oh, no, Wilbur, give me that.
- What? You dropped a black marker in the bassinet.
He looks like Hitler! He does not look like Hitler.
He looks like Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator.
Where he played Hitler.
I think this'll knock the plaster off his foot.
- No! - No, no, back away.
I just need to give him one good smack.
Whoa! Wait.
Stop.
What are you doing? Just taking care of the baby.
Who thinks this is how you take care of a baby? People like us? People like us.
Again, I am so, so sorry.
It's okay.
You meant well.
Look.
I know, the first time you came here, we shot you.
And then we lost your baby and gave him a cement foot and a Hitler mustache.
But I swear, normally things are so quiet here.
It's just four grandmother types hanging out.
Where the hell is that two-timing hussy? Elka! Elka! Sweet peaches and herb, it's true! Pierre, my fun modern hairstyle and I weren't expecting you.
I know who did this to you: My brother, Etienne.
Yes, and he's gonna keep doing it to me every week.
You know you need it done more than once a week.
Not the way he does it.
If you are trying to make me jealous, it's not working! I'd say it's working just fine.
Well, that happened.
It's okay.
Wilbur slept through it.
I get it now.
What? What you went through.
How hard it must have been for you to give me up.
It was horrible.
I used to think, "How could she not love me enough to keep me?" Now I know that you loved me enough to give me away.
It helped to think that I was giving someone else an amazing gift.
The ironic thing is, I should be able to figure this out.
You know, as an actuary.
Yes.
Still don't know what that is, do you? No.
I assess risk.
Just the facts, no emotions.
I should put Wilbur up for adoption.
Well, then.
I support your decision.
I think it's for the best.
For the best.
Excuse me, Chloe? Oh, no.
Hey, crazy elevator lady.
I knew you thought I was crazy.
No, not at first, but the evidence piled up.
You must be Melanie.
Chloe and I are partners.
I'm Alec Jones.
Very nice to meet you.
- Have a seat.
- Okay.
So I need your help on the Woody Allen movie.
Now, I convinced Woody to shoot here in Cleveland, based on our thriving Dixieland jazz scene.
Very smart.
Now I just have to create a thriving Dixieland jazz scene.
I wonder what it would be like to kiss him.
Melanie.
Melanie.
Yes.
I think I know what's going on here.
You do? See, you can't just Do That.
Look, this happens all the time.
Women spend so much time thinking about what it would be like to kiss me that we never get any work done.
So I just get the kiss out of the way.
That's very presumptuous.
I'm Cleveland's most eligible bachelor.
And somebody's a little full of themselves too.
No, it's true.
Oh.
Five years in a row.
Kind of a nuisance, to tell you the truth.
But Chloe thinks it's good for business, so Alec, we've got to be downtown in 15 minutes.
Yes.
Be right with you.
- Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
So I see you've met my husband.
Husband? Well, technically, ex-husband.
But we'll get back together.
So anyway, hands off, okay? Yes.
Yeah.
Sure.
No way.
That came out wrong.
I mean, I'll cut your hands off if you go anywhere near him.
Oh, that's just a little joke I use when I'm deadly serious.
I think this is the last of it.
Let us know if you need any help.
How you holding up? My heart is breaking.
Mine too.
I really liked having a baby in the house.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss this guy.
Everybody, talk about something else so I don't fall apart.
Well, I got a new job that I think I might really be good at.
But I have the hots for my hot new boss, who my other hot boss still has the hots for.
So it's just a big hot mess.
Talk about something else.
I made Pierre jealous.
But what's the good of having the upper hand if there's nobody to hold it? Would you look at that? What are you talking about? I don't know.
I got the next page of dialog, and that's my line.
There's no punctuation, no stage direction.
Am I proud? "Would you look at that!" Or am I talking about a two-headed calf? "Ugh, would you look at that.
" Or is there an Asian character named would you? And I'm trying to get him to look at the two-headed calf: "Would you! Look at that!" Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the last one.
Okay, let's get him in his car seat.
Elka, we need to talk.
What is going on here? Owen's leaving with the baby.
He's putting him up for adoption.
Which was difficult at first, but now we all agree, it's for the best.
- Yes! - The right thing to do.
Yeah Why is everybody lying? We're not lying.
Look, I'm a hairdresser.
I know human nature right down to the roots.
You all look like you went and asked for bangs, and now you regret it.
He's right.
I want to keep Wilbur more than anything.
But how can I take care of him all by myself? You've got four people right here More than willing to help.
- But I don't live in Cleveland.
- But you could.
Cleveland's one of the most livable places in the country.
It's got beautiful, snow-white winters-- - Melanie.
- It's nice.
SoWhat do you think? Well If you're really okay with this I'll do it.
I am gonna be the best grandmother ever.
I mean, sure, I might make a few mistakes.
I do seem prone to a certain level of Stop.
Once you make the sale, walk away.
Give me that baby.
Now that I solved that-- Elka, I've tried to play it cool.
But when I see you in that salmon track suit, I want to cover you with Bechamel sauce and swim upstream.
Are you saying you want to be my boyfriend? Could I say it any plainer? I love you, Wilbur Burr.
Would you look at that.