Ideal (2005) s04e01 Episode Script

Toilet seat's standing to attention as usual, I see.
(GASPS) I I can't breathe properly.
I don't know.
You smoke six bongs, sink ten cans of lager, bolt down a Balti, and yet you still get indigestion.
There's just no logic to it, is there? It feels .
.
it feels different this time.
What are you gonna do - regenerate? (GASPS) HEARTBEAT THUDS (ECHOES) Are you all right? Where's that ambulance? Should I stay lying down? Or should I stand up? Don't know, really.
Well, surely you're trained in this type of thing! I done loads of first-aid courses.
It's just not the sort of stuff that sticks in my mind.
Thank God we've got a professional on hand! Would a nice, strong cup of coffee help? Tonight you are worried, Nicki.
It's Moz.
Do you know any first aid? At bandaging, I'm basic.
Wound washing - basic.
Mouth-to-mouth - basic.
Splints - advanced, cos I put them on me tomato plants.
I have watched Holby Cities.
Aye, aye, Derrick.
What you up to? Going down the allotment, like.
Derrick has grown a new crop of cress.
It's mind-blowing.
If you think you know cress, think and think again.
Fuck cress! Fuck all cress everywhere! I'm not spending me last moments here talking about cress! Please, stay lying down, and I promise, nobody will discuss garden produce! You don't need a garden.
You can grow it in your windowsill.
(What's he mean "last moments"?) (Might be a heart attack.
) That's right! Not spontaneous deafness! KNOCKING AT DOOR Where is he? Front room.
Oh, hello again.
Hiya.
It's, erit's Cloud, innit? (LAUGHS) Rainbow.
We met when that lollipop man got hit by a bubble car.
Did he pull through? Wasn't he the one with his top half hanging off? Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHS) It's really nice to see you again.
Yeah, and you.
You're first on the scene, as usual, eh? Oh, I was here anyway.
He's my mate.
Think it might be heart attack.
(TUTS) They can be awful.
Mate of mine died of an heart attack last month, right out of the blue.
Big lad, just like you, Moz.
He'll be sad when you die, Moz.
(CHOKES) I thought you said you'd rung an ambulance, not the Grim Reaper's PR team.
FOOTSTEPS THUD Oooh! You're very white.
Is he usually this white? No.
I'm normally white with a hint of forest fruits.
I'd say you were more young turnip.
That is a fast pulse! That is whoosh! I could time that if I had my watch on me.
Oh! Smoke a lot of these, do you? Not that many - He's a 20-a-day man, plus the fags.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Oh, I'll just get that.
How soon? Oh, I'd say about as soon as you get your head out your arse! It's my ex.
I think you're a stretcher case.
So, it's serious, then.
Cos let's face it, you only ever really make one journey by stretcher, don't you? Your last one.
Give us that Nick Cave album.
It's only a stretcher, Moz.
PC: Just think of it as a hammock .
.
that's all tensed up.
All right! Oh! CRASH! MOZ: Ouch! Dear Lord, please forgive me, forgive me for stuffing you in this boiler.
I know, Lord, that I'm not technically eligible for your forgiveness.
I know I wrote that song Jesus Is A Twat, but .
.
honestly, it was ironic.
You know that dude that put me in here? Well, I forgive him.
Yeah? Three hours in A&E, and why? Moz pulls a muscle in his chest.
How? He never lifts owt heavier than a bong.
Glad they kept him in for observation, though.
Yeah, cos I've observed more than enough for one night.
Right, I'm popping this boy in his cot, and then do you know what I fancy? What? What was I thinking? It's gotta stop now.
Hello, gorgeous.
Sleep well? Couldn't seem to get myself off.
Maybe I can help with that.
Hey, nothing to see here, miss.
(SIGHS) Aye, go on, then.
NickiI just wanna say - Don't.
It doesn't mean anything.
We did what we did, and we might do it again.
I can'tstraightaway.
But it's not an affair, OK? It's just sex.
Clitoral and vaginal though it may be, it's just sex, that's all, unless regular, no-strings-attached sex isn't on your radar.
No, no, it's, er .
.
it's on me radar.
Beeping away there.
LOCK TURNS, DOOR OPENS Quick! Get under there! Moz! I was so worried.
Really? Cos you didn't phone us.
Hardly DEFCON 1, is it? Luckily, doctor said I was the healthiest man with chest pains he'd ever seen.
I couldn't find my mobi.
Landline? It's not working.
PHONE RINGS MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS Here it is! No, I'm not interested in saving money on my gas bills, and I never will be! Come and put your feet up.
I'll make you a brew.
Got the new tablecloth out, then? 39.
99! Honestly! It's paid for itself already.
He said I'd been lucky.
What - very lucky? He said I should avoid anxiety.
Said I should probably do less.
There isn't much less you can do.
METAL CLANGS Hang on.
I'll just check my coat.
'Ey up.
What you crouching for? Just .
.
jumped down out of your loft.
Why? Thought I might've left my truncheon up there.
How'd you get in? Left the front door open.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
And that gives you the right to just waltz in here, does it? Got a warrant? Sorry, Nicki.
Won't happen again.
Best be off.
Crime marches on.
Don't be so tight with him.
He's my oldest friend.
He can come and go as he pleases.
You've just been rushed to hospital with chest pains! Are you some kind of idiot?! I'm every kind of idiot! At least have a break.
Give your chest some relief! I could give your chest some relief.
Don't you wanna watch Sanjeev grow up? Depends what's on telly.
Right! For the next month, there's gonna be no smoking in this flat.
No fags, no spliffs, and no bongs.
Oh, the humanity! Right! Me and the boy are due at the inflatable room.
Smoking banned in my own home! DIAL TONE God, that was close.
Makes me realise how dangerous this is.
You free tomorrow night? Great! I'll be over about nine-ish.
KNOCKING AT DOOR Hello, Moz.
Hello, Dad.
Surprised to see me, kiddo? Surprised.
Stunned.
Head-fucked - call it what you will.
I've been waiting to catch you on your own.
Hi, hi! Hi, Brian.
Top timing.
This is Keith, me dad.
Oooh! Pleased to meet you, Brian.
Ditto-a-go-go.
Hey, Moz has told me all about you.
Really? Yeah! Walked out on family years back, didn't you? Mind, you're not his actual biological dad, are you, so fair dues.
So, when was the last time you two seen each other? Three years? 12 years.
Long as that? (PUFFS) Lot of catching-up to do, eh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah! Come on, in you go.
So, when did you find out I wasn't your real dad? Mum said, last Boxing Day.
Not sure who me real dad is.
Well, fair's fair - I never treated you any different to your brother.
I always treated you and Troy equally.
Yeah, give you your dues.
You walked out on both of us.
I walked out on Sheila.
You don't know what she was like! She was anyone's for a pint of Guinness, and when the local turned into an Irish theme pub, I packed me bags.
Hey, before we go all Terms Of Endearment, can you sell us a quarter of skunk, then I can enjoy it more? Oopsy-daisy.
Still pushing drugs, eh, kiddo? No! I don't pushI deal.
I'd never do a job that involved any pushing, or lifting.
Anyway, you know how it is.
You're only as good as your role model.
I served a bit of time, but I never sold drugs.
It's a bit of hash and weed, and look around you.
This isn't Scarface's townhouse.
Hey, it's funny, you know, cos Moz has got a kid that isn't his own.
Brian! What? I was saving that! Nothing bad about sticking with your bird, though, eh? Until you decide your next move.
For your information, I don't do "next moves".
We don't all run away at first sign of illegitimacy.
So, what you been up to, then? I spent last night in hospital with suspected heart attack.
Really? They reckon I've just pulled a muscle in me chest.
You have got a muscle? Probably just indigestion.
Hey, I went out with this lad, right, he did from indigestion.
Oh! Probably swallowed too much of your bullshit, Brian! KNOCKING AT DOOR Tania.
Good time, bad time? I'm trying to avoid anxiety, but Brian's making me bond with my long-lost fake dad.
It's like the Jeremy Kyle Show with an added sense of musical theatre.
I wanted to tell you summat.
You know the night you can't remember before the wedding that never was? How could I forget? I mean, I remember not being able to remember it.
You and me did have a shag.
I didn't tell you on your wedding morning cos I didn't want me to overshadow your big day, but then I heard you called off the wedding, sohave you and Nicki split up? It's all very much up in the air.
Big reunion, eh? I'll be welling up in a minute.
Eh, slaphead, me and Moz need a bit of space.
We haven't seen each other in ten years.
What we don't need is constant interruptions from a stupid, fat, interfering willy woofter.
Fat? Grab some reality goggles, girlfriend! Now hop it, or I'll ram this up your arse.
Oh! I thought you were gonna threaten us for a sec.
Right! Me and me velvety elasticity are off.
I'm not fat, am I? Mate of mine's got some widescreen tellies.
Dodgy Darren.
You might remember him.
I thought you might fancy one.
I've not seen you in 12 years.
You've barely sat down, and you're trying to sell me a stolen telly.
All the wasted years! I'm sorry, kiddo.
He only wants a tenner.
Widescreen tellies for a tenner? Sure it ain't just a microwave that's expanded in the heat? If you give us 20 quid, I could get one for myself.
Seen me mam since you been back? I'm on me way there now.
How is she? She's seeing a bloke.
He's a bingo caller and her numbers have come up.
Moz, you know Sheila better than anybody.
In your opinion, do you think she might fancy one of these tellies? Well, I don't know! Ask her when you see her! Hey, but it's been great catching up on all your news.
Over a decade's worth of holiday slides to get through next time.
Well, I'll let myself out.
You rest your chest.
I'll be in touch about the telly.
I'll allow 28 days for delivery.
Jesus Christ! What are you doing here? You don't live here, do you? Coffin nail? Dark in here, innit? All right, Morris? Psycho Paul.
To what do I owe this displeasure? Look what I found on the street outside.
It's a homing bong! You and me against the world.
You'll have to smoke that outside.
Nicki's instigated a smoking ban.
(BOTH LAUGH) Would you like me to kill her? I'll leave it for now, ta.
Speaking of senseless violence, where's CH? Who? Cartoon Head.
Who? CH has fallen in love! He's gone soft! Soft? I've seen concrete with more give in it.
Heard of Min Yin Low? Ain't it Low Triad? Fella who beheaded his own brother for eating dim sum, or something.
We decided to burn down one of his restaurants.
Smart move.
So, I sent CH to all-night garage for petrol.
He comes back.
He's bought a box of Miniature Heroes for his bird.
But he's forgot to get the petrol! You can't burn down restaurants with that attitude! JUDITH: Cartoon Head! You're early.
Oh! Oh, they're beautiful! You know you're getting old when Cartoon Head's gangster non grata.
We give him two verbal warnings, a written warning, a tattoo warning, but he still - Hang on.
A tattoo warning? Tattooed "Be warned" on t'back of CH's hand, but it didn't make any difference.
(GULPS) So, we had to let him go.
Oh, well.
Sounds like you followed best practice.
JUDITH: Oh, CH! Now Cartoon Head's out, does that mean I get to move up one and become your assistant? No.
Please! No! Important post like that? You can't just advertise internally.
Fill out an application form.
You'll get your chance to shine.
Will I? No.
I let you keep one of your eyes, but the treats end there.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? (JUDITH MOANS) What are you still doing in t'gang? Look at what Paul's done to you.
PAUL: Come and pick you up? It's obvious he don't like you - the glue's in the gouge! He said if I stay in the gang one more year, I can have me eye back.
What for? It'll be like a dried apricot now.
I want it! It's my eye.
Yeah, but it's no use to you.
It's dead! It ain't still looking at stuff on its own.
Psycho Paul says it's perfectly preserved.
And you believed him? He might be a psycho, but he's a man of his word.
He's That was Stemroach.
He's been released on bail.
Has he? He's not forgot you helped set him up.
(JUDITH MOANS) Sorry! We'll let you know when we need you, Morris.
Need me? You owe Stemroach.
So, he's transferring you into the gang.
I'll show you the ropes.
I'm not even vaguely joining your gang.
Yesyouare! See you, Morris.
Lock, stock, and two steaming bozos! Are you all right? Me? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Fine.
You OK? Fine, thanks.
Have you stuck to the smoking ban? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I've I've put the smoke on ice.
Yes, gentlemen? Can I help you? My name is Tony.
This is Chen.
You have heard of our father, Min Yin Low.
It's not ringing any bells.
He knows you are working for Stemroach's gang.
What? Are you on text alert? We just saw them leave.
You will work for us also, pass onto us any useful information.
I'm not double agent material.
I'm not single agent material! You will do as you are told.
Chen has a little reminder.
SPLAT! Goodnight.
Moz? Moz! I'm supposed to be avoiding anxiety.
We're doing a tribute act - Travolta Stance.
DOOR SLAMS BOTH: Shit! I remember when this used to be my flat! Hi! You've got a gun, man.
Wrong, son.
You've got two guns.
I'm on detention.
Closed Captions by CSI