Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s04e01 Episode Script

She's broken the hearts of over a thousand men with her bare hands.
People hang on her every word, and that word is usually "anal.
" She didn't just take back the night.
She took back the whole (bleep) week.
Vietnam is a veteran of her.
If Keith Richards had a vagina, which at this point he might, it would be her.
Her ass catcalls itself.
She brushes her teeth with her imagination.
She always brings a knife to a gunfight.
Ahh.
And the gunfight is usually just a Curves gym.
Ahh! Her blood alcohol level is .
0 of your business.
A bird in her hand is worth three in the bush.
Also, she can fit three hands in her bush.
She is the World's Most Interesting Woman in the World.
I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I always have to pay for it myself.
I got it, I got it.
Clementine Hospice Care.
For women who live like men.
Tweaks by XhmikosR I know you're very respectful about your wife.
Yes.
- And you always have been.
- Yeah.
- I've been married 32 beautiful years.
- Aw.
- 32 beautiful years.
- Yeah.
- This woman is a saint.
- I'll say.
Uh, so every night when she does not want to have sex with you Yeah.
how do you know it's absolutely out of the question? She doesn't sleep in the same room with me.
- Aww - Yeah.
But once in a while, I-- I get the favor bang.
That-- like you just said the most romantic thing - about your wife, and now, the favor bang? - Yeah.
You won't even call her vagina a vagina, but you get a favor bang? Yeah, she does me a favor.
Does it make it any less enjoyable knowing that she's just doing you a solid and she doesn't want you to actually be inside her? Well, just let her live and be well.
Like I'm nice to her.
Who-- what is wrong with you? - It's been nine years.
- Yeah.
And when we fight, it used to be we'd fight and then we'd have makeup sex.
- And then I got really bored with that.
- Yeah.
So now I'm like - Uh-huh.
- Or Have like a bunch of wonderful orgasms.
Yeah, right.
Thanks for joining our live coverage of Not Fooling Around Chicken.
The game couples play when neither wants to fool around, but they don't want to be the person who admits it.
That's right.
We go now to Kevin and Amy's house where the game is just getting underway.
- Hey, babe? - Yeah.
Do you, uh, still have more work to do before you come to bed? No, I finished it all up.
I'll be right in.
Cool.
Okay, Michael, so here are two people who definitely just want to go to bed.
That's right, Simon.
These two have clearly been together for a while and could not be less interested in having sex tonight.
Absolutely, let's see who will pull the "we're not having sex tonight" trigger first and lose the game of Not Fooling Around Chicken.
Wow, you seem really tired.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
But no, I'm good.
I'm good.
Why, are you tired? No, no, I, um, I ordered decaf, but I think the waiter gave me regular, so I am pretty awake.
Oh, good.
But coffee kind of upsets your stomach - sometimes, I know, so - Yeah, no.
- is your stomach okay? - Totally fine.
My stomach feels like better than usual.
What about you? You ate-- you ate a lot.
- You must be pretty full.
- No.
You want to sleep it off now? No, took a Pepcid.
So I'm good.
Good, good.
I like what they've done here, Simon.
Yes, it's quite the chess match.
They've each ruled out the other being tired or physically sick at all.
Yes, it'll be interesting to see where they go from here.
I like that night shirt.
- Oh, yeah.
- Looks really comfortable.
It's just the first thing that I grabbed when I got out of the shower.
- 'Cause I showered.
- Oh, you showered? - Yep.
- Great.
Brilliant, I love Amy's use of having showered to counter her own shitty nightgown.
Yeah, it was a nice try by Kevin, but the ball is definitely back in his court.
- Hi, Pearl.
- Ahh.
Oh, who's a good girl? Who's a good girl? Okay, now this is interesting.
The dog has entered the bedroom.
If one of them invites her onto the bed, that'll be a clear indication that they aren't going to fool around, and we might have a winner.
She looks cold.
Oh, did you want to invite her up? No, I'm just saying, you know, she looks cold.
Why, did you-- did you want to invite her up? No, only if you did.
Wow, we seem to have arrived at a stalemate.
Wait a minute, what is that Amy is putting in her mouth? Oh, that's definitely a retainer, Michael.
Let's see if Kevin notices.
Oh you have your retainer in.
And I can take it right out.
You talk to your mom today? Yeah, but we didn't fight.
Do you have your period? No, not for another two weeks.
You have an early meeting tomorrow? No, I pushed it back to 11:00 so I can sleep in.
Are you feeling sad because it's the anniversary of your father dying? Nope, I've made peace with it! Do you want to just, um? Push my head in a pillow for 30 seconds and have sex? Yeah.
- Oh, no! - Oh.
Wow, it looks like they both lost.
Yep, neither were able to just say they didn't feel like it.
So now they're just gonna have to go through with it.
Oh, well, there's always tomorrow and for the rest of their lives together.
Anyway, that's all for us here at Relationship Center.
Yep, join us next time for the You Pick A Place on Seamless Murder-Suicide Bowl.
Good night.
A great man once said, "It is what it is.
" And according to the free clinic, what it is is herpes.
Stay drunk, my friends.
Where's the doctor? We're your doctor.
No, you're a bunch of congressmen.
I recognize you.
I just need to get my annual Pap smear.
Ew.
Do any of you have any medical training? We're the House Committee on Women's Health.
So I think we have a better idea than a bunch of science-y nerdles.
You mean doctors? Let's begin.
When was the date of your last lady curse? Two weeks ago, if you mean my period.
Ew.
And how many blood diapers did you use? Tampons? A dozen? I don't know.
And that is? Twelve.
- Now, it says here you are 34.
- Yeah.
- How many children do you have? - None.
- But it says here you're 34.
- Correct.
- Are you sexually active? - Yeah.
And how many children do you have?! How often do you and your husband, um? Oh, I'm not married.
Oh, so you're a virgin.
Well Have a lollipop and run along.
No, I'm not a virgin! I'm just not married! I just need my annual Pap smear to make sure I'm healthy.
I have a family history of cervical cancer.
Ew! How many men have you laid with in the last year? Sex? - Three? - Mm-mm-mm.
Jesus.
Do two of you have like secret families with your maids? We're not the ones on trial here! That's right, young lady.
Okay, okay.
Guess we have to do the vagina-y part.
Wha? What? - What are you doing? - Remember even though we're doing this, we are not your boyfriend.
What? Scooch down on the table, put your legs in those restraints, and present.
What? Wait.
I feel a lot more comfortable with a woman in here.
Aren't there any women on the Women's Health Committee? That'd be like letting the lions run the zoo.
Like what is the movie that you would use to describe your pussy? "Schindler's List.
" Mine? "Adventures in Babysitting," maybe.
I'm going "Rocky Horror Picture Show".
Oh, that's good.
What movie do you think best describes your vagina? "The Color Purple".
Mmm, this yogurt is so good.
Apple Turnover is my favorite.
I've got Boston cream pie.
It tastes so good.
And the best part is, it keeps me regular.
Well, my yogurt gets to work downstairs, too.
But in the front of the house I don't get your meaning.
This new yogurt, Yo-Puss, makes your pussy taste like nothing.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
A woman's intimate area is a rancid playground of flavor-causing enzymes and white gravel, but Yo-Puss deadens those cells, removing the unpleasant and unfair taste permanently.
You mean, if I eat Yo-Puss, I won't taste like hot summer Chinatown garbage anymore? You won't taste like anything anymore.
My pussy tastes like nothing.
Here, taste.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
- Nothing.
- Right? I use scented tampons even when I'm not on my period, just to chemically strip my vagina of any scent.
But I still worry it tastes really bad.
It definitely does.
But if you just choke down three tubs of this per day, I promise you, in the next it'll start working.
Mmm.
- Tastes like yogurt, right? - Mmm.
Particularly strong-tasting pussies may take up to 34 business weeks to experience results of Yo-Puss.
Side effects include ovarian stigmata, puff taint, and clitoral numbness.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
I've got plain.
Now, if only they could work on something that's gonna help with the taste of my rancid asshole.
Yo-Puss They say what goes up must come down.
Me? I just like going down.
Stay drunk, my friends.
And five, six, seven, eight.
Ba-ba hit it, hit it You hit it don't quit it Yes, uhh Hit.
Mm-mm.
Hit it really hard.
And then pop.
Oh, my God, take five.
Take five.
And no eating, we established because of one person's behavior.
Oh, my God.
Lin-Emmanuel Miranda.
Thank you so much for coming down.
Thank you, I was so excited to get your phone call.
- You wrote "Hamil--" right? - Yeah.
You wrote the whole thing and you starred Has there ever been a bigger musical, like ever? - It's been an amazing - Like ever? No? Oh, my God, my sister and I saw it and we were flipping out.
Thank you so much.
- It's been an incredible journey.
- But then I thought like I could do that.
You know, I thought, how hard is it to write like a hip-hopera about, you know, historical wig and knee-sock people? I'm sorry, I thought you were asking me to be on your TV show.
Why would you think that? You sent me a DM on Twitter that said, "I'd love for you to be on my TV show.
" Okay, full disclosh, high off my titties when I wrote that message.
So, okay, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking like, "Yes, Amy, you can do it, you can do anything," right? And you're also thinking, "Wow, you're a lot prettier - and way thinner person.
" - No, none of this, no.
So I have done it.
I have written a hip-hop musical about another historical, famous revolutionary character by the name of-- are you ready?-- My Uber's gonna be here in like four minutes, so Bethany Ross.
Betsy Ross, you're mixing up a historical figure with a Real Housewife.
Bingo.
Betsy Ross! So? All right, so have a seat, Linda.
That's Lin.
Oh, not this.
I need this.
But you're-- you're good on the floor.
Okay.
Okay.
Amy, you are not nothing, you are not nothing.
You are not overweight.
Okay.
How does a woman who does not know how to sew.
Learn to sew and then go on to sew a flag for her country? And if so what could her name be? Oh, I know fo sho her name B-b-b-b-b-b be like B-E-T-S-Y-R O! S-S and yes She's meant to sew a dope flag That'll wave just like this Trying to prove that her state exists Her country.
And that is act one.
That's in act one? As I just said, that is act one.
Okay, and then act two is more like pop culture-y like I'm so Betsy Flag better have my stars! It's gettin' flag in here, so Wave it off wave it off I heard you called to have your flag sewn You called to have your fla ag sewn Okay, second act, is everything perfect for Betsy? No.
She has a nemesis.
Right? Karen Hurr.
Like Aaron Burr, right? No, Karen Hurr is a fellow sewer who-- spoiler alert-- tragically dies in a sew-off gone terribly wrong.
Two minutes on Uber.
- So-- - Who is that? That is Tami.
She's just like in the corner.
Oh, hi, I'm Tami.
I'm one of the writers, um, for the show, not for this show.
But I-- ugh, you are amazing.
My nephew is a really big fan.
His name is Jonathan and he's in Dallas.
He knows all of "Hamilton" by heart except for the end 'cause it's too sad.
Okay, but that's enough, and you did it.
So please go.
Oh, oh, oh This is my real-life sister.
So that's kind of a fun thing.
Hit the track! Yo, I'm still Betsy and I'm here to say Karen, why don't you just sew yourself away? Oh, nobody likes the plants you sew It's time a sister let you know Okay, and then Karen hits me right back with Now I'm Karen Hurr and yo, I'm mad jealous I don't relish how often you try to embellish That's it.
No, that's not it.
Oh Oh, oh Can we just get one sec? Do you want this for me? Do you want this for me? - Yes.
- Are you gonna bring it? 'Cause right now you're wasting everyone's time.
He doesn't want to be here.
Yes, he does want to be here.
Don't blow this.
Cool, now we're ready.
- Oh - Yes! Whoa! And then I come back with You fool I'ma sew your ass into a blur People won't even remember Karen Hurr And if you don't sew now you sew Betsy Betsy Like if you don't know, now you know.
Hmm, you know, what word they say? I'm not saying it.
- "N" word.
- Right.
So basically, at that point, it's just like a little bit of like a love tune.
Like a make-out scene.
It's weird to do by myself unless I have any volunteers-- you.
Okay, so I'm gonna just wait outside - for my car.
- Okay.
Um, oh, wait, wait! Tami, the props.
Okay, I feel like after Betsy was done like sewing, she would want to like clean up.
So I just feel like she would be like-- Oh, no, don't do this thing.
I am not throwing away my mop I am not throwing away my mop And you look just like my auntie Her name is also Betsy And I'm not throwing away my mop.
Okay, thanks.
Have a great day.
Can we count on you to invest? You said he'd give me some tickets.
- Pramela, you are my bikini waxer.
- Yes.
- Let's talk about it.
- Yeah, yes.
So you and I have been together for a long time.
- How long have you been waxing? - More than 20 years.
What do most women get done? Do they get everything? They-- like the Brazilian, everything off.
- Everything off.
- Yeah, like you.
Including asshole.
Butthole.
- Tushy hole.
Right, everything off.
- Yes.
What is your favorite design that somebody could get done? Landing strip.
And that's where it just like a little hair right around the vagina? No, is on the top of the The top, like a little Hitler mustache.
- Just a little, a little guy.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
That's cute.
What about an arrow? Like "this way.
" - Do you ever get waxed? - Yeah.
Yeah? Who does it? - Each other.
- You do it with each other.
Has anybody ever come in and you've looked and you've said, "No"? - No.
- No? - That's nice.
- I never said no.
Now, sometimes when I come in to get waxed, you're wearing a mask.
Should I take-- should I be offended? It's probably because of powder sometimes.
- Powder.
- Getting into our nose, ear.
- That's why.
- Right.
It's not because my vagina smells - like hot summer Chinatown garbage? - No.
It's nothing, no.
No, it's not.
Because I try to like hook it up before I come in there.
But then you started basically wearing an Ebola suit to come in and deal with me.
So I thought, "Is something going on with me?" Here's a question, if you haven't been touched in a while, which has happened to me several times over the years, and then sometimes you feel hot wax, and your body, like you kind of like get wet.
And you're like, "Oh, my God, is Pramela gonna think I'm hitting on her?" - Does that happen a lot? - No.
Is not.
Yeah, I know.
Has anyone ever farted while you waxed them? - No.
- No? How would you describe my vagina? I have been seeing you for nine years.
- Nine years.
- It still look Still looks good? Same-- fresh and lovely.
I still-- I got it, right? I still got it? Is my vagina and my asshole, are they like spaced correctly? Like are things like typical on me? Is everyone sort of the same amount away from each other? The same, yes.
Does everyone have the same like size taint? No, everybody have different.
Everyone's different.
- So there's no good and bad.
- No.
Has anybody ever said, "What's her? What's Amy's vagina like?" - No, no.
- Really? I'd want to know.
Do you have other famous clients? I had, but she moved to somebody-- somebody else.
- That's why.
- Who could leave you? - I know - You and me for life.
You and me are for life, okay? I will always be there for you.
And I will always be here for you unless I'm in some sort of a very strange bull-riding accident.
Are you in pain? Hey You're a (bleep).
Hey, hey.
I use scented tampons even when I'm not on my period to chemically We're so close.
I'm having trouble with this transish.
Um Oh, my hair.
Refill.
My name is Tracy.
All right, cut.
So easy.
Mmm, magic.
Tweaks by XhmikosR