It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s04e01 Episode Script

Would you describe these pieces more savory or succulent.
It's definitely way too over cooked to be succulent, but it's still pretty delicious.
It's still savory, right? Now, what if we insert it in beer? Do you think that would help like regain it's succulence.
- Like a beer-rub.
- hu-hum.
That's actually really smart.
Mac, grab us some beers.
Bite my bird.
What are you eating? Oh, dude, Dee and I cooked up a great steak.
Frank's got, like, this whole fridge full of these delicious meats that I've been stealing.
You guys wanna try some of this? Someone who sweats as much as you should not work with food.
Charlie? You son of a bitch! I told you stay away from my meat! - Spit it out.
- Come on.
Spit it! Spit it out! Now! You too.
Spit! Come on.
Right there.
Why you're being such a selfish jerk? Hey! I killed the dear, I should get to eat it.
That's the natural order.
Wait, you shot a dear? That's right.
10 point buck Ping! Right between the sorrowful little eyes.
Since when do you, bro? Since always.
I'm a great hunter.
How does hunting a defenseless creature make you a good hunter? Yeah, you should go after something that could at least defend itself.
You know, a really great hunter would go after something that can hunt him back.
- Like a man! - Hell yeah, dude, a man? Don't even joke about hunting a man.
Who's joking? I'm not joking.
I think that hunting a man would be the only true test of a good hunter.
Yeah? I was hunted once.
I just came back from Nam.
I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me.
Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods.
I had to take 'em all out.
It was a bloodbath.
That's Rambo, dude.
What? You just described the plot of Rambo.
Yeah, that's the first from the first one.
Yeah, I think you gave us the life of the Rambo.
That's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's like.
Yeah, you know what? It's actually making me think I can get on board with man-hunt.
Really? - Me, too, dude.
- I'm just throw that out there.
No.
You do not go on a man-hunt.
- Screw ya.
- Yeah.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 1st Aired: 9/18/2008 (FX) Try that one.
- This one? - hu-hum.
- Good, a little bit of sauce with.
- We don't have any slice left.
- It was just the The Natural Juice of two by the way.
- Oh, so good! It's not actual sauce.
Oh, my god, good job! I can't believe that dick horrible put the lock on the refrigerator.
- What a sonofabitch.
- That wasn't cool.
You know what though? At least he forgot about this piece.
What a dump ass.
Did you do something different thought? 'cause it's sooo good this time.
- I barely cooked it.
- Really? I'm talking like not at all.
- No kiddin'.
- hu hum.
What I did, I slopped through the radiator for minute.
- That's pretty bogus.
- not warmed it.
No, but it's cleaned up.
It's so good though.
I don't care.
Okay, good.
But here's a good side.
Well, well, well~ What have we here.
Looks like you two're up and enjoying my meat! Yes, we have a new fashious meat hug.
Yeah, hey, Franky.
Sharing it.
It's a rule now~ Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves.
Maybe we should open up a bottle of desert wine.
A nice port, that would compliment what you have just eaten.
By the way, you know what you've just eaten, right? Was it venison? You wish it was venison.
Was it a horse? Horse? That, which you have just eaten, that, which your teeth have just torn apart.
Your taste buds have savored, that was human meat.
- Yeah, ok.
- So stupid.
- You're so stupid! - Well, thank you for the human meat, Frank.
Thank you for our human meat.
- No, you're welcome.
- It was delicious.
- I knew you're gonna steal from me again.
- You're stupid.
- That's why I put a lock on the fridge.
- Yeah.
- And only left one piece of meat out.
- I get it.
- Human meat - Alright.
Where'd you get the human meat from, Frank? - I got a guy.
- You got a guy? Oh, you got a human meat guy? - I got a guide for everything, Charlie.
- You're so full of shit.
- Yeah, ok, right.
- Oh, yeah, Deandra, you think I'm full of shit? - hu hum - Well, you enjoy yourselves, now.
- Thank you.
- I am glad you had a good time eating human meat.
- Thank you.
- That wasn't human meat though, right? - No~~~! Hey yo.
Dennis, I did it.
It took me all day, but I finally finished a list of ten people that would be perfect to hunt.
Great, and I totally respect your opinion, but I've already made a decision.
That's the complete opposite of respecting my opinion.
Hey, don't I know it.
Check it out, bro.
Hey! Dennis, are you sure Dee is coming? Yeah, yeah, she's coming.
She wants to look great for your big date.
- Do I get that right? Are you serious? - Yeah, man, he's perfect.
You don't believe? Check it out.
Hey, Cricket, will you, come out here for few second please.
Yeah.
just stand before us here.
Now, check out his legs.
See how they're almost tierd? They're like pretty much back to perfect.
Yeah.
And check out his cane.
Looks like he's whittled it into some sort of defensive tool.
Wow.
But, that makes you quite formidable, huh? Ok, what's going on here, huh? - Where is Dee? - Admit it, Mac.
- He's perfect.
- Yeah.
Yeah, he'll do just fine.
Oh, god, oh, god.
I know you're up to something.
You're gonna harvest my organs, aren't you? - Yeah, - Hey, relax.
- You're gonna rope me and you're gonna harvest my organs.
- Relax, Cricket, relax, relax, take it easy.
You don't wanna be all nervous and sweaty when Dee gets here.
It's ture she's coming? Ok, ok.
Yeah, for second there, I thought you guys're gonna do something terrible to me.
Yeah, we are.
Stack on 'em.
No, we're gonna hunt you.
What? We are going to hunt you, Cricket.
Why? Uh.
.
I'll spend a lot less time asking questions, more time running.
Yeah.
What, what happens if.
.
if I get caught? - Wu, don't get caught.
- Don't get caught.
There he goes and hunt begins! Indeed, indeed.
-This gonna be fun.
- Yeah.
What do you suppose gonna happen when we do catch him? - Well, I suppose we do some tea-bag related.
- hum Dee! You're home, thank god.
Ok, let's talk.
Let's have a quick conversation, huh? What do you think? - I couldn't sleep last night, could you? - Nope.
And I'll tell you why.
- Yesterday.
- Yesterday.
What's going on? Oh my god, Charlie.
I didn't wanna say anything, but I'm thinking there's some strange going on with this meat, such a wish.
Yes, ok, now, I know it's crazy.
The idea Frank feeding us human meat.
- Yes! - But, I'm trying to disapprove it.
- I absolutely can.
- You can't do it, can you? Let's talk to taste.
- The taste! - the taste, Charlie, I tried everything.
- I can't get the taste out of my mouth! - You can't get it out, right? - Absolutely not.
- And if you try all source of other meats, - Yes! - like daily meats and sandwich meats.
- Absolutely! And then did you go crazy? Just looking everything in your apartment, like your shoe, item with a catch fanny, like nothing's working, right? Maybe, it's a trick.
Ok? Maybe, he went and got some weird, exotic meat that we wouldn't thank to try.
- Ok, it's not like regular grocery store kind of meat.
- No, not meat from a grocery store.
He got it from some weird place.
Ok, let's, let's think here.
Let's put our heads together.
Where could Frank go to get mysterious meat? - This is the place, huh? - This is where I can find.
Just start grabbing as much stuff as you can.
Ok, we'll take, um, that big brown mound and the curly stuff and then this thing looks like a blanket.
- Try some of that.
- Definitely.
Oh, oh, what about a monkey? Monkeys are like nature's humans.
I doubt they have monkey, Charlie.
People eat monkey, Dee.
They're eating type of doom.
Have you ever see that? Hey.
We got monkey.
Oh.
Well, we'll look at that.
Great! Uh, one monkey also then, please.
Yeah, baby.
This hunt is gonna be so awesome, dude.
Yeah, bud.
This is what it must feel like, before you go to battle.
Oh my god, I know man.
I'm so exited, feel my nips.
- Holy smokes! - They're, like, super hard, right? - You can cut glass with these bad boys.
- I know, right? What the hell are you doing? - I'm feeling his nips, Frank.
- Yeah, man, I'm so exited for this hunt - and my nips are doing stuff they've never done before.
Feel 'em.
- Look at these.
What hunt? We're gonna hunt Cricket.
I thought we went over this already.
You do not hunt a man.
Come on, man.
Don't bring it down, not right now.
Not when my nips are like this.
You know you hunt a man, he can snap like a toig.
Next thing you know, he's up at night, he's burning down a village of Nam, he's killing everything that moves, everything that lives! You're talking about Rambo again.
Oh, no.
That happened to me.
Yeah, you're thinking about John Rambo's life, every time.
No, I'm not.
This happened to me.
- That never happened to you, Frank.
- It happened to me, Mac.
Yeah, you're confused your life with Rambo again.
No.
No, Charlie.
This is not right.
I still have the crazy.
I have, too.
I have even worse than before I take.
- There's something really weirdoes happening to me.
- I'll tell you what's going on.
Frank bet it's human meat, and we got the hunger.
- The hunger? - hu hum.
That's how you become a cannibal, Dee.
Like, you get one taste of delicious, delicious human meat, none of these stuff ever satisfies you, ever again for the rest of your life.
- Now, I just think that you're overreacting, okay? - Oh, really? Yeah, that's stupid.
Is that stupid? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.
Well, then I guess Jaws IV is stupid, ok? 'cause that's exact same plot.
Ok, alright.
Calm down.
Before you start accusing us of becoming cannibals or sharks or whatever is you're trying to say, I think we need to find out if what we ate was actually human.
Oh, shit.
That's what we've been doing.
- I ate a fu** monkey, Dee.
- Charlie? You don't understand me.
I think we need to try a piece of human flesh.
Oh, god.
just to make sure.
That's the only way.
- Right? - Ok.
How're we gonna do this? The morgue? Hear me out.
- It's a dead body - Sold.
You don't even have to tell me, man.
That's where you find a dead body, right? - Great idea, right? - We'll have a tiny little bit.
- They won't even know.
- We'll be off the hook.
- Well, no for sure.
- I got a hot plate.
I wanna get some beers.
Any sight of him? No, but uh, word on the street is he's out of here begging must Saturdays.
He'll be here.
Don't worry about it.
God, hunting is awesome, Dennis.
- Yeah.
- You get to wear sweet clothes and get wasted all day.
It's just like our normal lives, except at the end of it we get to put our nuts in some dude's mouth.
ah yeah, actually I wanted to talk to you about that aspect of it.
What's up? You're not happy with the plan? No, now look, we'd been tea-bagging Cricket since high school, you know? I feel like we need to make some progress.
I think we should give him a gorilla mask.
What's a gorilla mask? You put some sticky over his face, and then sprinkle it with shaved pubes.
umm, no, I don't like it.
What? What's not to like? Cricket with a face full of pubes? Hilarious! Yeah, but where're we supposed to get that many pubes, man? - We shave! - Now, that's gonna be a problem, I laser.
It's like a turtle shell down there.
What? Yeah, look man.
The classic surculose for reason, ok? - Why going nuts with that? - It's called progress, Dennis.
Well, I wanna make progress.
So, I'm sticking with the tea-bagging.
But tea-bagging doesn't even leave a mark! Well, fine, I'll dip my nuts in ink or something and then put it in his mouth, that make you happy? Well Yeah, actually, I think that's a pretty good idea.
Yeah, because it leaves a mark all over it, and.
.
- Holy shit, let me just hunt.
- It's an excellent idea.
- It's like we can dunk him down and, like hooo~ - Cheers, man, let me went through that.
- See? We're free thinking outside hot.
- I like it.
Cricket! Get him.
Get, get, get, get! Ok, how did his legs just do that? - I'm not doing that, Dennis.
- No, that was incredibly dangerous.
- Let's go pow chop in that case.
- Did not know what he was capable of.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Sorry to bug you here.
How are you? I'm good.
We're two friends of one of the dead people that you have in there.
Close friends.
- And we wanted to.
.
- spent some time.
.
- We wanted to say good-bye.
- Say good-bye to her and or.
.
- to him I think - He had a - had long life that was good and.
.
- What's the hot plate for? - The hot plate.
.
- The hot plate is.
.
because.
.
- our friend was a.
.
- He was a chef.
- a chef - of small.
.
- who puts small.
.
- plates of - many small items on hot plate.
- Of course, he just heated it up.
And we thought maybe if he saw or he's near to hot plate one more time Right, right, right.
Look, I respect the act.
I'll give you guys the same deal like I gave every else.
alone with the bodies.
- What? - What're you talking about? I must say thought, I've never seen a guy and a girl bang one of these taste at the same time.
- Are you kidding me, guy? - Ok.
- You've got the wrong idea.
That's really gross.
- Wow, you got a wrong idea about us.
- We were gonna have, we were just gonna come and have a bite a bit, I mean.
.
- I don't.
.
Wait, I don't judge you guys.
It's cool.
- I like yogurt up my ass and a popsicle stick in my mouth, that's all.
- Oh my god, man.
- You know what? Let's just give this guy 15 bucks.
- I don't even know what to say.
What up, man? You're the one with the hot plate.
- No, that is much worse.
- Weirdo.
Ok, I'm a weirdo, says the guy, who yogurt up his ass.
- Holy shit.
- Holy shit.
These are dead bodies.
two dead, two dead guys.
It's the real deal here.
I don't think I can eat this guy.
No, I don't think I can, right? What is that? I don't, I don't know.
- It's not because he's black, though, right? - What? - Ok, I.
.
- No! What, no! I still think so, no! - It's because he's dead, right? - It's because he's dead, that's why not.
Good, good, good.
Now, I got a question for you.
We're racist if we don't eat this guy? Oh, shit, Charlie.
Now it is.
I'm sorry, Dee.
I just thought white guy over here looks better than him for some reason.
He looks so much better, doesn't he? What is that? I don't know, you know what it is? I generally, I don't eat dark meat.
No, I've preferred the white meat.
I always have.
- Yeah, so it's not that guy.
- No, it has nothing to do with that.
The problem is I'm gonna have a really hard time for both cannibals and racist.
- We're not, Dee.
- I wanna just make sure.
Cannibalism? Racism, Dee? That's not for us.
You know, those are the decisions that're best left to the suits on Washington.
Ok? We're just here to eat some dude.
Well, I'm, you lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with, so let's eat a piece of this white guy.
Let's get him.
I don't think I can do it.
- No, me neither.
- No.
Hey, the good news is that means we're not racist.
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Ok, ok, ok.
I made it.
I'm fastest, I finished this lane.
I beat you, bitches.
Hey, shreep rat.
- Don't move! - Hey, hey, hey! I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here to help you turn the tables on Mac and Dennis.
What do you mean? I wanna show those bastards today, it ain't ok to hunt humans.
Yeah? They drew first blood, not you.
They what? They drew first blood! What is that? Is that a Is that Rambo? - No, I made that up.
- No, no, no.
- That's Rambo.
- You want me to help you or not? Yes, yes.
Well, come on.
Let's go.
Get up.
Tag! You're it! Holy shit! Holy shit, dude.
Holy shit! Tag, you're it? And a knife? What the hell is this, man? Why are you laughing? Stop laughing, dude.
This is serious shit! - Yeah? Huh? - What? Oh my god.
Are you kidding me? You gorilla masked me? Yes! Bro, you gotta admit.
I had so much more awesome than tea-bagging.
Oh, yeah? Take a look at your mouth, you tell me.
You put your balls in my mouth while I was sleeping? - Yeah, man, twice.
- That's rape.
- Yeah, I know.
- That is borderline rape.
Yeah, bro, you got a lot of people care.
- Not anymore.
Yeah, I guess not.
Jesus, man.
What's with the note? I mean what's with the our tricks.
No, I didn't leave it.
I thought you left it.
So it was Cricket.
Oh, shit! Ok, Cricket got to us.
He got to us.
Oh, damn! He got to us, Dennis.
Ok, the good news is the gorilla mask, the purple tea-bag both totally viable options, right? Ok, the bad news is.
.
it looks like Cricket finally snapped.
We may have pushed him to far, Dennis.
What do you think he's gonna do? We need to get to him first.
We need to set a trap.
Yeah.
Then how do you catch a cricket? With a giant bird.
Dee, would you calm down? You're eating that cheese steak like a some kind of giant bird, you know? I can't help it, Charlie.
- You know, I got an insatiable hunger.
- Oh, I know what that hunger is, you know? - Stop telling me about the hunger, Ok? I'm feeling a good.
- Is it? Now, let's just go back to the morgue, ok?.
This is shit.
No, that place is terrible.
- Oh, none of those were terrible.
- Don't think about that.
Look, Dee.
We're cannibals now.
- although it's pretty obvious to me.
- I started to look that, but isn't it? That's a fact, Dee.
That's what it is.
Look, if we don't feed the hunger, we can die for that.
It's not our fault.
It's nature.
That's nature! That's what happens, people die from the hunger.
Oh my god.
All the time that happens.
We don't want that to happen.
Oh my god, that happened to me.
It won't happen to you? No, I want it happen to me, but I'm not going back to that morgue.
Oh, we gotta do something about it.
Oh, Charlie, oh, I wanted to eat that lady so bad.
I did, too.
I did, too.
- We're gonna have to do it.
- No, no! - We're gonna have to find a living human being.
- No, no, you know why? I'll tell you why.
Because it's dead meat, and dead meat is bad meat.
No, not the morgue.
I'm with you on this.
on this thing.
- I never wanted that before, I wanna know.
- I know, but I wanna know.
We gotta find a guy.
We gotta kill that guy, and we gotta eat it.
Somebody, little rotten maybe.
- Somebody.
.
- that nobody will start asking questions about, if he's missing.
- I mean, when we do that, we don't want any gushers.
- I don't wanna get caught.
- Someone no in the world could ever care about.
- Small change? Hungry Please help.
Aho.
I can't do this.
They're not coming off, seriously.
Oh, no, they're not going to.
I used airplane glue, bro.
That's gonna be your look for a while.
Now, run me through how we're gonna do this with Dee.
I'll talk her to it.
Don't.
Dee, ah, great.
We need to use you as bait for our Cricket.
Screw up.
- What in the hell is going on here? - Who is this? - No, no, we don't wanna know his name.
- Go away! No, wait, wait, Dee.
What? Oh my god no.
- What are we doing? - What? You know what kid? You gotta get out of here, man.
You gotta get out of here.
It's not safe here.
- We can't do this.
- No.
Charlie, listen to me, listen to me good.
If we don't eat this kid, we're gonna die.
You know it.
Oh my god, I wanna eat him as much as you wanna eat him, - but it's wrong to do it.
- No, it's a.
.
- It's wrong that, going back to the street! - Damn it! Damn it! So, you're gonna eat that kid.
No, you don't know.
You don't have the hunger.
You know? We don't give a shit about any of these.
Dee? Cricket trap bait? You? What? Hello? - Hey, Frank.
- Hooray.
Speaker, yeah, hold on.
Is Dennis with you? Uh.
.
yeah.
Good, back in Dennis, prepare to be burned alive.
This is the point where I normally burn you alive, but I just did it to prove a point that I think I made my point.
- Hey, Frank.
Hey, Frank.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, Franky.
- Good to see you.
Good to see you, man.
Hey, look.
- Can you get us more like human meat? - Bodies, please.
Are you still going on about the meat? I didn't feed you human meat.
It was a raccoon.
- What? - What? You ate raccoon meat.
I told you it was people, because I wanted to freak you out, because you're stealing my food.
- No! No, no - No, no.
Then why am I always hungry? And stomach pains? And nothing satisfies the hunger? You probably got a tapeworm.
Raccoon meat is lousy with parasites.
Ok, are we done here? Because we're bored of shit.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not yet.
Get ready, for a mouthful-- of strawberry blond haired, covered balls.
- Frank? Grab 'em - We're not doing that.
What do you mean? What do you mean we're not doing it.
- I lied.
- What? What, what is it with you people? I mean, you guys are always touching each other's nipples, putting your balls in each other's mouths.
- Yeah, it's fun.
- It's funny.
I just don't understand your generation.
Raccoon meat! - Ball shit! - What? That was human meat, I know it.
Look, I don't give you a shit what you think.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I gotta chop off that pieces of that fellow calf muscle of yours, Frank.
And I'm gonna eat it.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, Charlie.
- We're gonna put it on the hot plate, right? - Get him! - Oh, you can't run way from me! - Well, I guess the hunt is all once bagan.
- Indeed, it is.
- Oh, they're gonna have so much fun, man.
- Oh, those two are gonna have blast, huh? So, I guess the only thing that's left is to figure out what to do with Mr.
Cricket.
Yeah, oh.
What to do, what to do.
Guess it's just us.
It's just you and us, and a.
.
couple pairs of sour sweaty balls.