Jeeves and Wooster s04e01 Episode Script

- Is that it? - Help me get this out, Bertie.
That you back there, Mr Wooster? Yes, yes, it's me, Mr Coneybear.
Come on, Bertie.
I've got to get home and change.
Good evening, Miss Pendlebury.
I'm just making sure my painting gets here safely.
Bertie, just put it down over there.
- Over? - Lean it against the desk.
Carefully now! Not too near the fire.
I'll varnish it tomorrow.
- A small whisky's in order, Jeeves.
- Very good, sir.
You haven't got time.
We've got to be at the party in an hour.
I'll meet you at Gilhooley & Pim's.
You know the address? Good! - Bye, Jeeves.
- Good evening, Miss Pendlebury.
What a wonderful girl that Gwladys Pendlebury is.
She seems a vigorous lady, sir.
And something of a hot tip in the art world too, I'm told.
- I'd like your opinion on the work.
- Very good, sir.
You may ask, Jeeves, why I should spend money commissioning a portrait of Aunt Agatha, scourge of the Woosters.
It did occur to me, sir, to wonder.
This comparatively small investment may allow young Bertram to live out his remaining years in peace.
Struck all of a heap by her nephew's homage, said scourge will give her blessing to his marriage to the talented artist.
To wit, Gwladys Pendlebury.
If you say so, sir.
Jeeves, you don't like this spot of art? In my untutored opinion, sir, she has given Mrs Gregson somewhat too hungry an expression.
A little like a dog regarding a distant bone.
There is no resemblance to a dog regarding a distant bone.
The look to which you refer is one of wisdom and tolerance.
I asked Miss Pendlebury to include that look, at no extra charge, even though no such expression was apparent in the photograph she used.
I see, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
We hope you're all having as much fun as we of Gilhooley & Pim are.
My name is Lucius Pim.
And just as our agency is proud to be advertising Slingsby's new range of Superb Soups, I'm proud to introduce you to Mr Alexander Slingsby.
We will not fail the American people.
Come rain, shine or snow, through good times or bad, we will continue to provide Slingsby's Superb Soups to the tables of this great country of ours.
# Soups do something to me # Something that really mystifies me # Slingsby's, how can it be # You have the taste to tantalise me? # I just live for your broth # Life's not the same since Slingsby's came # You're a flame and I'm the moth # Cos Slingsby's do something to soup # That nobody else can do # - Isn't it great? - Well - I love advertising, don't you? - Well Oh, look, here comes Lucius now.
- You were wonderful! - Well, thanks.
- Bertie, meet Lucius Pim.
- What ho, Lucius.
- You in soup? - Well, not yet.
Well, excuse me.
Bertie! Tuppy! I thought you were back in England.
No.
No, I'm here.
I'm trying to meet Alexander Slingsby.
What for? I can't tell you, Bertie.
I'm sorry.
It's a secret.
What's the best soup in the world? I like that one they do at the Drones the day after shepherd's pie.
They No, no, no.
It's a soup called Cock-a-Leekie.
My old nanny used to make it.
There are millions in this.
I'll sell Slingsby the secret recipe, on a royalty basis, you understand.
For every tin they sell, I'll collect a ha'penny.
And what does Slingsby say? I haven't been able to meet him yet.
He won't reply to my letters.
That's why I've had to come here, to Anyway, it can't fail, Bertie.
I just have to catch a whiff of that soup and I'm Oh Transported back to my childhood.
But does the populus at large want to be transported back to your childhood? What do you mean? - I say! There's Elizabeth over there.
- Who's Elizabeth? Elizabeth Vickers is the woman I intend to marry.
Marry? Well, congratulations! She doesn't know about it yet.
I'm going to ask her tonight.
Come on! My husband will be so interested.
Alexander lives and breathes soup.
Elizabeth, I'd like you to meet an old friend.
Hildebrand, this is Mrs Slingsby.
Of Slingsby's Superb Soups? Oh, how do you Aah! I'm most awfully sorry.
I - Oh, it's all right! - You're so clumsy, Hildebrand! What the hell do you think you're doing? Are you all right, Tallulah? - Well, I was just - Mr Slingsby, I don't know - You keep out of it! - Yes, quite.
Leave Mrs Slingsby alone, Wooster! - Well, of all the - Cut along.
You've done enough damage for one night.
What my idea is is this, Mr Slingsby.
I have this humdinger of a soup I'm not at all easy in my mind about a cove by the name of Lucius Pim, Jeeves.
Apart from being something called an advertising agent, and in a position to do Gwladys good professionally, his hair waves.
One must never discount wavy hair.
I shall endeavour to remember that.
Will that be all, sir? Yes, Jeeves, that'll be all.
Good night.
Good night, sir.
It's strangely satisfying watching you varnish Aunt Agatha.
My aunt is something of a byword in art circs, isn't that so, Jeeves? - Indeed so, sir.
- In what way? Know the Gregson-Prysock gallery? - Of course.
- My Aunt Agatha is the Gregson bit.
Her name being Gregson, it was to be expected.
- This is Agatha Gregson? - Yes.
- Coffee, miss? - Thank you, Jeeves.
Why didn't you say? If she likes my portrait, it could do me a lot of good.
Of course she'll like it.
Won't she, Jeeves? I'm sure Mrs Gregson will lose no time in expressing her opinion, miss.
Yes, we must get her to see it soon.
Aunt Agatha's in England at the moment but we'll take it over with us next month.
- Mrs Gregson to see you, sir.
- Ah.
Aah! - Bertie.
- Aunt Agatha! - What are you doing in America? - Sit! As you can see, Bertie, your cousins have at last been apprehended.
- Apprehended? - Kindly do not interrupt me, Bertie.
They sail for South Africa tomorrow on the Pride Of Natal.
I Good heaven! - Is that supposed to be me? - As a matter of fact - What an extraordinary daub! - Look here! Who, pray, are you? - I'm glad you asked.
- Don't you talk to me like that! You are not the dealer who's trying to pass this discoloured canvas off on my nephew? Oh! Gwladys! Gwladys! Wait! Wait! Never speak to me again, Bertie Wooster! Gwladys! One comes to recognise these shady art dealers, you know.
That was Gwladys Pendlebury.
She painted the picture.
Oh, poor girl.
You should have told me, Bertie.
Had I known she was responsible, I would have been more forthright in my criticism.
You could hardly have been more forthright without physical violence.
It is as well for a girl to be aware of her shortcomings early on in life.
To get back to Claude and Eustace, they leave tomorrow.
- But aren't they at Oxford? - They were expelled.
- We behaved badly.
We realise that.
- Very badly.
Be still.
Their father is determined that they shall start life anew in the Colonies.
- Their father's dead.
- It is but a veil, Bertie.
The veil can be pierced.
Until they sail, they're in your charge.
- Mine? - You will put them up here tonight and see they're ready to board the Pride Of Natal tomorrow morning.
Jolly decent of you to put us up.
Not at all.
I only wish you were staying a good long time.
Hear that, Eustace? He wishes it was for a good long time.
What do you propose to do, Bertie, in the way of entertaining your handsome guests tonight? Erm Well I suppose we could have a bit of dinner in the flat.
- And afterwards? - Afterwards? I We might chat of this and that.
It struck me that you'd probably want to turn in early as your boat sails first thing in the morning.
# Time without end # I wait for you # On this date for you # Time without end # Calendars don't matter # Clocks can lose their chime # My diary says an empty stock's not worth a dime # I'll love you and I'll need you till the end of time # But when will the pendulum swing? # Time without end # Without a friend, without, I spend # Time without end # With you # No! No! No more champagne! No, I want to go home! - Good afternoon, sir.
- Oh! Oh Jeeves.
Jeeves, I'm getting too old for all this.
I feel like something that's been rejected by the Pure Food Committee.
Ugh! Ah! - What time is it? - Just before one o'clock, sir.
The boat! The boat! I put Mr Claude and Mr Eustace into a taxi for the docks at half past seven.
Oh, thank heavens, Jeeves! A-1.
I may have satisfied the scourge.
What on earth will I do about Gwladys? Aunt Agatha's behaviour was beyond the rabbit-proof fence.
Would you prefer breakfast or luncheon, sir, when you are dressed? Oh, breakfast, I think.
No need to let standards drop.
- Run my bath, will you? - Very good, sir.
- Hello? - What ho, Bertie.
Had a nice refreshing sleep? - You're meant to be in South Africa.
- It's like this.
Remember that wonderful singer you introduced me to at Ciro's? - Marion? - Marion.
- We're soul mates, Bertie.
- Oh, pish! Soul mates.
I gave Eustace the slip at the customs shed.
Is that breakfast you're having or lunch? I'll go and see what old Jeeves can rustle up.
I'm famished.
- But - Smooth work, Bertie.
Smooth work.
What are you doing here? I eluded poor old Claude in the customs shed and sneaked off! If you expected me to go sloping off to South Africa, you shouldn't have introduced me to Marion.
- What a girl, Bertie! - Yes, yes, yes.
I'm not a man who falls in love with every girl he sees.
Strong and silent are the best adjectives you could find for me.
But when I do meet my affinity What are you doing here? Have you come back to inflict your beastly society on Miss Wardour? Is that why you sneaked back in this underhand fashion? Underhand? I like that! Well, may the best man win, that's what I say.
Never mind the best man.
What about me? Suppose Aunt Agatha finds out.
Mm? Mm? What time did Mr Claude and Mr Eustace get in last night, Jeeves? One at 3:45, sir, the other at 3:50.
How do they do it, Jeeves? I read an article last week in Scientific American which propounded the theory that we all contain something it called a "body clock".
In the very young, this mechanism acts less like a clock and more like a mechanical toy which runs randomly around at high speed, only changing direction when it bumps into an obstacle.
All I hope is, the spring unwinds before they see Aunt Agatha.
- Indeed, sir.
- Meanwhile we can only watch and pray.
Miss Pendlebury is proving obdurate.
She wouldn't answer my telephone calls.
Ladies who spell Gwladys with a W are seldom noted for their reliability.
It gives them romantic notions.
With a W, Jeeves? No, no.
You spell it with a G.
If I might draw your attention to the signature, sir.
Good Lord! G-W? I blame Alfred Lord Tennyson and his Idylls Of The Kings.
It also accounts for Kathryn, Isybel and Ethyl all spelt with a Y.
But Gwladys is a particularly virulent form.
Well, well, well.
Come on, Bertie.
We are going out to celebrate my engagement.
Engagement? You mean the poor unwitting girl said yes? She did! I said, "I may be poor but honest now but we can soon change all that.
" In a couple of months' time, I'll have New York at my feet.
Well, all the ones who like soup.
- And she fell for it? - She saw reason, Bertie.
Hook, line and whatchamacallit! But it's true.
Old Slingsby thinks my recipe's the bee's knees.
His lawyers are drawing up a contract.
I always said that your talent would be recognised.
Come on, lunch is on Bertie.
Bertie! Aah! Aah! Aah Aah Eustace! - Good afternoon, Mrs Gregson.
- Jeeves.
Where is my nephew? I regret to say that Mr Wooster is not at home.
You may be surprised to learn that I saw Mr Eustace not ten minutes ago.
- But surely - I plainly saw him, Jeeves, standing on the corner of 42nd Street and Broadway.
This is sinister news indeed.
My nephew was distinctly instructed to get those boys on the boat.
He was given one small responsibility.
- What do you mean, sinister? - Did Mr Eustace look pale, perhaps? Pale? Yes, now you mention it.
But with the life he's been leading Mm.
And what precisely was he doing, Mrs Gregson? - He was hailing a taxi.
- I see.
Standing, perhaps, like this? Yes, yes, yes.
- I hope all is well with the gentlemen.
- Well, why shouldn't it be? You'll pardon my saying, but Mr Claude and Mr Eustace are on board the SS Pride of Natal.
I saw them myself into a taxi bound for the docks on Thursday.
And yet now you tell me that this morning, you saw the pale figure of Mr Eustace standing with arm upraised in valediction as you passed by.
Good heavens.
Jeeves! Mm.
- Bertie, I'm uneasy.
- Uneasy, eh? On my way to the gallery this morning, I saw quite clearly, as clearly as I see you now, the phantasm of poor dear Eustace.
- The what of Eustace? - Pay attention, Bertie! The phantasm.
The wraith.
Oh, all right, Aunt Agatha, it's a fair cop.
I tried Do be quiet, boy! It was only for a moment but it was so clear that for an instant I thought it was Eustace himself.
Do you think those poor dear boys are safe, Bertie? They've not met with some horrible accident? Oh, I see.
Er Phantasm or wraith.
Erm, well, I mean to say, by Jove, it's always possible.
Those in peril on the sea and whatnot.
Pretty dangerous stuff, water.
- Typhoons and so on.
Waves.
- Don't blither, Bertie.
No.
Right.
Eustace, Marion does not want to see you.
She said as much last night.
What rot! She said to me she was fed up with you hanging around like a vulture with the croup! Ah! I've got a bone to pick with you.
Not now, old chap.
I'm just off to take Marion to the races.
- I'm taking Marion to the races! - Neither of you is.
- What? - You were seen by Aunt Agatha.
No! Fortunately, she's got it into her head that you were a wraith.
- That's why I'm going to the wraith track! - Very amusing.
As jolly as it may seem to shock Aunt Agatha, I must forbid you from wandering around the metrop.
I suppose we could buy a couple of disguises.
My dear old chap, the brightest idea on record! That's settled, then.
What a lark about the accident! Accident? What accident? Jeeves? Jeeves? - Am I a man to complain, Jeeves? - Good afternoon, sir.
No, sir.
- That's what I thought.
However - You were about to enquire who is in your pyjamas in the second-best bedroom.
Well, yes, Jeeves.
Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but that thought was in the process of crossing my mind.
Miss Pendlebury ran over a gentleman in her car immediately outside this building.
- He sustained a slight fracture.
- Miss Pendlebury's all right? Physically, she appears satisfactory.
She was suffering a distress of mind.
Ah.
That's her beautiful, sympathetic nature.
It must be a hard world for a girl.
Men flinging themselves under her car in an unending stream.
What's the chump doing in my pyjamas? Miss Pendlebury desired him to be brought to the apartment.
She told me to summon a medical man and telephone the gentleman's sister.
- What's his sister got to do with it? - The patient's next of kin.
She appeared most desirous of seeing you.
Wanted to thank me for putting up her little brother, eh? Possibly, but she did allude to you in tones suggestive of disapprobation.
"Feckless idiot" was one of the terms she employed.
Feckless idiot? Come.
- You? - Ah, Wooster! - You didn't tell me it was Lucius Pim.
- I didn't wish to distress you further, sir.
- How long's he going to be here? - About a week.
- A week? - About this accident, Wooster.
My sister is married to Alexander Slingsby.
The soup man? I met him the other night.
The point I am making is that my sister loves me devotedly.
And she might try to persecute poor Gwladys if she knew it was she that was driving the car that laid me out.
She doesn't know? I told her that I was knocked over by a car driven by you.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! By me? She'll be calling on you tomorrow and I recommend, if you want a pleasant interview, that you sweeten her a bit.
Send her some champagne, a few smiles, a tactful word or two.
She'll be melted before you know where you are.
Of all the blasted nerve, Jeeves! He has an ample supply of effrontery.
If he thinks I'm going to knuckle under to his ludicrous scheme, he's got another think fast approaching a five-furlong marker.
We Woosters are made of sterner stuff.
I'm sure that's true, sir.
Still, wouldn't do any harm to send a case of champagne.
I'm having dinner with Tuppy.
# I could leave the old days behind # Leave all my pearls, I'd never mind # I could start my life all anew # If I had you # I could be a king, dear, uncrowned # Humble or poor, rich or renowned # There is nothing I couldn't do # If I had you # I'd like to say that Tuppy's a lucky dog.
To Elizabeth and Tuppy.
We'll be very happy, won't we? If you ever remember I'm here, I suppose that's just possible.
You haven't taken your eyes off that fat singer since she came on! Well, she was singing.
Do I have to stand up and sing in order to get any attention? - Of course not, darling, I was just - I have never been so humiliated! What does she mean? Elizabeth! Poppet! - What ho! - We took your advice! Oh Come.
Fine painter, Miss Pendlebury, is she not, Mr Pim? She's a great girl, Jeeves.
I can't get anywhere with her.
Such a pity her work is confined to so small an audience.
It strikes me that the man who will win Miss Pendlebury is the man who can further her career.
You don't have to go running after Pim, Jeeves.
It's no trouble, sir.
If he wants room service, he can go to a hotel and pay for it.
- Any sign of the dratted sister yet? - No, sir.
I'm going to practise my putting.
Don't see why I should have my schedule put out.
Very good, sir.
Have a think about the Gwladys imbroglio, will you? - I'm at my wits' end.
- Certainly, sir.
Will that be all, sir? Yes, Jeeves, that will be all.
Mr Alexander Slingsby to see you, sir.
I need hardly tell you why I'm here, Wooster.
No, of course not.
Absolutely.
It's that little matter of Little matter? When a man has been annoying my wife with importunities, I regard it as anything but a little matter! I shall endeavour to make you see it in the same light.
- There must be some mistake.
- There is.
You made it.
First, you molest her at my party.
Then you send her liquor.
Trying to lush her up? - No, no! - Yes, yes! Aah! Aah! - Help me, Tallulah! - What have you done? First my brother, then my husband! You beast! - Oh, Bertie! - But Gwladys I Aah! Mr Wooster's cousins aren't around, are they? - No, Miss Wardour.
- Thank God! - Bertie! - Marion.
I'm sorry, but you'll have to do something about your cousins.
- You're seeing a lot of them? - I can't stop tripping over them.
I'm leaving town, Bertie.
It can't be as bad as that, surely? Can't it just? They've taken to calling at my apartment.
They settle down grimly and try to sit each other out.
It's wearing me to a shadow.
I've taken an engagement at a resort for the summer just to get away from them! - This is a bit steep, Jeeves.
- Approaching the perpendicular.
It's them! - Jeeves, quick, the fire escape.
- This way, miss.
Bertie, I haven't slept a wink.
I came to tell you that I must leave New York for a few days.
- I simply must rest.
- I think I'm so worried about poor Claude and Eustace.
I sent a cable to the ship but I've had no reply.
No, well, they do it with flags.
Takes a bit of time.
- Don't let him talk nonsense, Jeeves.
- Very good, madam.
I shall be in Long Island for the next week.
I'm staying with Mr Prysock's nephew and his wife at Bay Shore.
I hope that the next time you see me, I shall be more like myself again.
She's scratched the fixture.
- No! - She has! Won't let me near her.
Refuses to talk on the phone.
- Sends back my letters unopened.
- A firm stand is what's required.
Never let them see the whites of your eyes.
They can smell fear.
If she won't see me she won't know I'm making a firm stand! She's gone to see an aunt at the seaside.
Follow her! Show her you're not to be trifled with.
No.
No, I couldn't, Bertie.
Not all by myself.
Tell you what Why don't we both go? Me? Well, a spot of sea air might put some wind in our sails.
- It's always possible, sir.
- My sails could do with a bit of wind.
What's this Bay Shore place like, Tuppy? Haven't you been to my cottage? - I didn't know you had one.
- Yes, just rented it for the summer.
Just a Well, just a little shack, really.
Bay Shore, please, one way.
Bay Shore, please.
Bay Shore.
One way.
- Bay Shore, Long Island.
- Ma'am.
What about a brisk walk, eh, Tuppy? I don't think so, no.
She's just over there, Bertie.
Not half a mile away.
Laughing.
Joking.
We could go to the beach.
Elizabeth might be there.
You might be able to save her from drowning.
I can't swim.
Kept up with the roses? Yes, sir.
A dozen daily to Miss Vickers with Mr Glossop's name on.
- Chocolates? - Yes.
He doesn't do anything.
Follows her here, then moons about the place rubbing ointment into his mosquito bites.
One is consoled by the reflection that it is a healthy life, sir.
He's popular with mosquitoes.
They never bite me.
You? - No, sir.
- They just hang around for Tuppy.
They want to be in good condition for him.
Jeeves! - That's her, that's Elizabeth Vickers.
- Indeed, sir.
That blob covered in sand and ice cream must be her nephew.
It would appear so, sir.
Jeeves! I have an idea.
Nay, an inspiration.
- I should be interested to hear it.
- We will kidnap that child.
I will return to the cottage now, if that is consistent with your wishes.
No, it is dashed well not consistent with my wishes.
I can't do this single-handed.
I regret that the terms of my employment do not permit me to take part in criminal activity, sir.
What rot, Jeeves! We're only going to borrow him.
It's not remotely criminal to bring two loving hearts together.
That is not an assertion I should care to see tested in a court of law, sir.
You disappoint me.
Is this the way the Jeeveses of old faced fearful odds? I should imagine, sir, that it must have been.
Or else the line would have been speedily extinguished.
Can we stop it making that dreadful noise? Don't they have a switch or something? - I wonder if they like honey.
- Bound to, I should imagine.
There.
I think I might have a bit of a talent for this.
Anyway, there's Elizabeth, distraught because she's misplaced the child.
Tuppy appears, leading the infant by a sticky hand and telling some story to the effect that he found it wandering at large and practically saved its life.
The girl's gratitude is bound to make her become friends again.
I see.
Oh, I see.
There's something in this, Bertie.
You take it.
I'm covered in honey.
Serves you right.
It was your idea.
Where did you say she was sitting? - Over there.
Look, there.
- Where? - There, there.
- Oh, yes.
Oh, Elizabeth! No time for all that.
Here.
She doesn't seem to be doing much searching.
- She's wondering if it's drifted off to sea.
- Yes, well Here goes.
It's no relation at all! It's just some kid she met at the beach.
- She helped it build a sandcastle.
- She'd never seen it before.
She listened like an iceberg while I told the story about saving its life, then told me I was a liar, an outcast and a worm.
- Good Lord! - Is that all you can say? I'm going to the house across the road.
- They won't say any different there.
- They have a child's nurse.
Maybe she'll be able to stop that noise.
Now, then, listen to me.
I want to know your address.
- I got sticky! - This is a very serious matter.
Thank you, no.
I'll wait until dinner.
Now, then Where do you live? Who is your father? Well, look at me when I'm talking to you.
Father? Where is he? Well, think, man, think! - Dada! - Yes! That's the chap.
Where is he? I don't know this child is concealing something or if he's simply vapid and uninformed about current events.
- It's hard to tell, sir.
- Admits he has a father, then clams up.
Never occurred to the child while chatting with the old man to ask his name and address.
The younger generation takes little interest in the activities of its elders.
- It has occurred to me, sir - You haven't had an idea? Not for ridding ourselves of the infant, no, sir.
But it seems that in light of being burdened with the child, at least use it to solve Mr Glossop's problem.
Really? I don't see that.
Well, sir, I attended a performance of a cinema film recently, in which estranged parents of a child were brought together by the tot.
How? If I remember rightly, it said, "Dada, doesn't oo love Mummy no more?" "Dada, doesn't oo love Mummy no more?" - That did the trick, did it? - Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
The picture concluded with a close-up of the pair in fond embrace, the child looking on with natural gratification.
Jeeves, I follow you absolutely.
It's big! We lay the scene right here.
Child centre stage.
Girl left of centre.
Tuppy upstage.
Child speaks line.
Something like, "Boo-ful lady, doesn't oo love Tuppy?" Ah, but can the child learn its line? If I might make a suggestion, I would advocate the words "Kiss Tuppy".
It's short, readily memorised, and has what is technically termed "the punch".
Genius, Jeeves! No, you must say, "Kiss Tuppy".
Unless you comply with our wishes in this matter, no more toffees will be forthcoming.
- It's no good talking to him like that.
- I'm doing my best, sir.
Don't give him a toffee till he comes up with the goods.
You're far too soft on him.
Let me have a go.
Right, now then, say, "Kiss Tuppy".
- Kiss Tuppy.
- Kiss Tuppy.
- There you are, you see.
He did it! - Well done, sir.
- Have you been eating these? - No, sir.
- Hop to the shop.
Get a hundredweight.
- Very good, sir.
Right, now then, toffee.
Say, "Kiss Tuppy".
- Kiss Tuppy.
- Well done.
That's the last one.
Emergency supplies on the way.
It's Mr Wooster, isn't it? We met in New York? - Elizabeth! Nice to see you.
- I don't understand.
Is that your baby? Mine? No! I've just got the use of it for a bit.
We got to be real friends on the beach.
Hello, baby! Hello.
Friends, eh? Well, well, well.
Small world, all that.
I brought these back for Hildebrand.
He won't accept that all is over between us.
- Oh, the flowers and the chocolates! - What's all this, then? Oh.
- I brought your gifts back.
- What gifts? - Those gifts.
Roses? Chocolates? - I never sent them.
Oh, how pathetic.
And how typical, if I may say so.
No, you blasted well may not say so! I never sent any dratted presents! I don't care whose name's on that blasted card! Don't care? Well, isn't that just like you? - Do you care about anything? - Yes, I do, since you so kindly ask.
- I care about having my privacy - Kiss Tuppy! accusing me of buying her roses and chocolates! I bet you bought presents for that fat singer! I have no interest in any singer, fat or otherwise.
Kiss Tuppy! Kiss Tuppy! - Kiss Tuppy! - What did he say? Kiss Tuppy! - Kiss Tuppy! - Good afternoon.
Kiss Tuppy! Kiss Tuppy! Kiss Tuppy! What's going on here? - Give him one of these or he won't stop.
- What on earth are you doing? We had the idea of training the infant to interject the phrase, "Kiss Tuppy" whenever a piece of toffee hove into view.
- Thought it might soften you up.
- Kiss Tuppy! - You trained the baby to - Kiss Tuppy! Oh, Hildebrand! I've never heard anything so ridiculous! Oh, you're such a fool.
Kiss Tuppy! - Just a silly silly idea really.
- And I do love you.
Oh! Oh! Kiss Tuppy! Good work.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
We can't find Miss Wardour anywhere.
I wonder if she might be visiting her old friends the Prysocks.
- Prysocks? - The large white house on the right.
White.
Right.
Perhaps you gentlemen would be kind enough to take something over there for Mr Wooster? - I say! - Excuse us.
- What? - We were asked to deliver this.
I thought there was one missing.
Just put him down.
- Is, er Marion here? - Who? - Marion Wardour.
- Never heard of her.
You know! The singer! We were told that May, I was - You! - Aunt Agatha! Faster, faster! We've lost them! Aah! Stop the car! Claude! Eustace! What is the meaning of this? To think it took a little child to bring us together! I'll never eat a toffee again without thinking of you, darling! Too much sea air gets into the brain, Jeeves.
Very true, sir.
Wait a minute.
It can't be! Good God! That's my Aunt Agatha! That's my soup! - I demand to see Lucius Pim! - Me too.
- Bertie! - What are you doing here? Why, I work here.
Lucius offered me a wonderful job.
Perhaps you or he can tell me what my aunt's portrait is doing all over the countryside.
And what about my soup? You! I told you I never want to see your ugly mug again.
Well, I like that! What about the money you owe me? I don't owe you one goddamn red cent.
My wife looked up your cockamamie soup in a cookbook.
It's Cock-a-Leekie.
My nanny never wrote a cookbook.
She didn't have to.
It's in every cookbook from here to Vladivostok.
Oh, Hildebrand! Elizabeth! None of this alters the fact that you used my painting.
That's nothing to do with me.
That's what I pay an advertising agent for.
Your butler suggested I buy one of my fiancee's paintings - Wh-what fiancee? - Gwladys and I are going to be married.
We wanted you to be the first to know.
Well, almost.
This time, you will go to South Africa.
And you will settle down and be of no further worry to your poor mother! - No, Aunt Agatha.
- We were led astray, Aunt Agatha.
Yes, there's some truth in that.
Your cousin has much to answer for.
Take your hats off! It was a dashed nerve, selling my portrait of Aunt Agatha.
You mustn't be cross with Jeeves, Bertie.
Look how brilliantly he got rid of Claude and Eustace.
Yes, well.
Tell me, how did you know the kid belonged to the Prysocks? The woman in the shop saw the child in Mr Glossop's garden and knowing the Prysocks, enquired whether Mr Glossop was related.
And we're both better off than poor Tuppy.
Serves him right, him and his nanny's Cock-a-Leekie soup.
# You do something to Cock-a-Leekie # Something to really mortify him # You've made old Tuppy feel quite peaky # What can we do to fortify him? # Brilliant.
# He'd lost sleep for that soup # Er Jeeves? # At one fell swoop, the Slingsby group # Knocked Mr Glossop for a loop, sir # Cos you do something to Cock-a-Leekie # That's given old Tuppy croup # Well, cheero! # Soups do something to me # Something that really mystifies me # Slingsby's, how can it be # # You have the taste to tantalise me # # I just live for your broth # Life's not the same since Slingsby's came # You're a flame and I'm the moth # Cos Slingsby's do something to soup # That nobody else can do # Bertie! Bertie! Bertie!