Key and Peele (2012) s04e01 Episode Script

Here! [bleep.]
.
What are you doing? Come on.
I'm coming.
Again? Stay where you are.
What are you doing? Stop! Thank you.
You're not unlocking it! We're doing it at the same time is the problem.
- Unlock the door! - No! Now! [bleep.]
.
Stop touching it while I do the lock! - What do you want me to do? - Just do it now.
- Are you - Unbelievable! - kidding me? - Stop it and reset.
- Put it down.
- I'm just holding it.
- Take your hand off the thing! - It is on the thing.
I got to reset the thing.
Look-- Look at this.
Huh? Huh? Nothing happens if you're holding it up.
Everybody knows not to do that 'cause now it's all jiggered in the middle.
It got all jiggered in the middle now! Aah! What? Take your hand away from the door completely.
Thank you.
Oh, that's rich! You are gonna get-- - Drop your weapon.
- What happened? What happened, though? What happened? I don't know what happened.
- I'll throw out a topic.
- You're gonna throw out - a topic? Let's talk about it.
- Have you seen an alien? Have I seen an alien? I did see-- "No" is a perfectly fine answer for the-- I did-- Okay.
Well, here's the thing.
Can there be subterranean aliens? There can't be, right? 'cause they have to come from space.
Story, please.
When I was a kid, I saw a-- I was in Canada with my friends, And there was-- we were-- there was a hole in the backyard of this one guy's house that we were hanging out at, and the hole was like-- it was-- there was a fissure like this in the ground, and there was a heap of dirt in the middle, and the heap of dirt was like scoot, scoot, scoot.
It just went like that.
- And we ran away.
- How big? I mean, like-- I can't.
Hold on, like-- like this.
You're talking about a hedgehog and [bleep.]
.
How did you go from alien to telling me a story about a [bleep.]
hedgehog? We-- Hey, we never-- we never saw it, so who knows-- He said, "subterranean aliens.
" Come on, Jack.
Wait, wait.
We got to be careful here.
This place is crawling with them.
- What was that? - What? Cover me.
Guys! Hey, guys! Hey, guys.
Oh, thank God.
Hey, we started a community of survivors.
Y'all come live with us.
Wait.
How did you know? Come on.
Redneck wants us to move into his community? Us? Let's go.
Guys, over here! Oh, thank God there are others! Would you let me date your daughter? Of course! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Aah! Please don't hurt me! My best friend is black and I love Jay-Z, and my favorite movie is Think Like a Man.
- She's good.
- Come with us.
- Okay.
- Stay close.
- Okay.
- What's your name? - Emily.
- Of course it is.
Hey, hey, hey! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! What do you think about the police? Well, I love their third album.
Aah! Aah! I don't have any money! No money! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Thank God you guys showed up.
I got to get out of here.
It's a Silver Lexus.
Just pull it right up front, and don't scuff the paint, all right? I just had it buffed.
Was he an alien, too? Yep.
Gave up my girlfriend and my family.
Gave up my girlfriend and my family.
Traded 'em in for an M-16.
Traded 'em in for an M-16.
Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Iraq.
Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Iraq.
I don't care if I ever come back.
I don't care if I ever come back.
From poor families, how far we roam.
From poor families, how far we roam.
So the rich kids can just stay at home.
So the rich kids can just stay at home.
When I come home with PTSD When I come home with PTSD The V.
A.
hospital won't care for me.
The V.
A.
hospital won't care for me.
I'll probably end up homeless out in the dark I'll probably end up homeless out in the dark.
To get played onscreen by Marky-Mark.
What? I'm way less homophobic than you.
Okay, that's all well and good.
I don't agree.
I will give a backrub to a gay man, and we're both naked.
That's how non-homophobic I am.
Dude, I would put parts of my body maybe into another gay man's body.
I mean, into a gay man's body, not another gay man's body.
Into a gay man's body, and I would be like, "Hey, this is therapeutic.
" If I were a doctor and you were gay and you needed a prostate exam, no problem here.
Okay, but you see what you did.
That's about overall health.
That's not about me trying to stimulate-- But you see what you did? No, you engaged in gay sex in that scenario.
I said a part of my body.
I didn't say my penis necessarily.
Doesn't matter.
Insertion is insertion.
No, there are different degrees of insertion.
Welcome, Johnson family.
Now, we all know why we're here.
Cousin Delroy's getting married Mm-hmm.
to a man.
- Which is crazy.
- Mm-hmm.
And we're in support, and, uh, we just need a little help with the particulars of a gay wedding.
What I've done is I took the initiative to get my friend Gary in here, Who's-- I mean, he's not really my friend.
He's a coworker of mine who happens to be a active member of the homosexual community, and he's gonna give us some advice on, You know, wha-- what to do.
So, Gary, wha-- what can-- what can we expect? All right.
Well, first of all, guys, thanks so much for having me here, and I think it's really amazing what you guys are doing for your cousin Delroy.
Really, I just wanted to say, basically, that a gay wedding is just like a straight wedding.
Yes? Yes, sir.
So then do the men wear dresses and then the women would wear suits? No.
No, no, no.
You would just where exactly what you would wear At a-- At a straight wedding.
Now, none of us are gay, so I assume that we would all sit then in the straight section.
- The straight section? - Yeah.
Oh, the straight section.
He means as opposed to the gay section.
No, no, there's-- there's-- there's no sections, guys.
- But the gay people - No, no, no.
- What-- you would just sit-- - And then the straight? No, Larry, Larry, listen to me just for a second.
- But then the aisle.
- You would just-- You would just sit on the side of the person that were friends with or that your family's members, just like in a straight wedding.
So we just guess who's gay.
Or not.
You could just-- Yeah.
We'll guess who's gay.
Okay.
Guess who-- When in the ceremony do we sing "Over the Rainbow"? Well, you don't.
You don't.
This is a religious ceremony, so you-- you wouldn't be singing that during the service.
- Oh, all right.
- You done with the questions? No, I'm just asking.
I'm nervous 'cause I can only do jazz hands for about three minutes 'fore my hands start to cramp.
Oh, sir, I don't think anyone's gonna expect you-- I don't think any-- I don't think anyone's gonna expect you to have to do jazz hands.
Now can we see the pony show from the straight section? Or are we way in the back somewhere? Ma'am, again, there's no straight section.
What is a pony show? You know, when y'all go like this.
No, there won't be-- there won't be any of this during the ceremony.
Oh.
Oh.
When do we sing "YMCA"? - Oh.
- Sir, not during the ceremony.
Okay.
- What about "Macho, Macho Man"? - Nope.
I don't know where to buy no gay presents.
Well, I-I don't know what a gay present is.
Usually, what couples do is they just-- they just register at a store Huh.
like a straight couple would.
- The gay store, or-- - Just a regular store.
Where do you get the euros to buy gay gifts? Are you saying euros? You wouldn't-- you wouldn't use euros.
No, it's-- it's-- it's a good question, Finney.
We-- We should make some eye contact so we make sure that the communication's happening.
- Yeah.
- I think he wants to know is it, like, a-- you know, a different currency? Or is it more like Camel Cash? Nope, just good, old-fashioned U.
S.
dollars, yep.
Do we have to participate in the anal sex? - Oh! - Or can we just watch and cheer in a firemen's hat? No, there's no anal sex and no fireman's hat.
- Oh, okay.
- It's cunnilingus.
Is that a question, sir? When do we get to sing "It's Raining Men, - Hallelujah, It's Raining Men?" - You don't.
So there's no gay hymns in the ceremony? Sir, there's no such thing as a gay hymn.
- What? - Well, does the fake priest look like a real priest or like a nun? - It's gonna be a real priest.
- Or No, there's no "or.
" is it a sexy boat captain, then he takes his clothes off? - Ohh.
- What? No.
No.
Do we throw something other than rice? Like what, sir? What would you throw other than rice? I don't know.
I don't know.
Couscous.
Skittles.
Guys, a gay wedding is just like a straight wedding, okay? It's exactly the same.
Well, when they kiss, is it okay to stand up and say, "Ew"? No, it's not because it would be-- that would be homophobic.
This from the man who won't allow gay hymns at the gay wedding.
Okay, but like a involuntary gasp.
I would just, I guess, try to curb that behavior.
Okay.
I'll-- I'll look away then.
- Oh, my God.
- Now, is RuPaul gonna be there? No, I don't think Delroy knows RuPaul.
- Uh, Neil Patrick Harris? - No.
Ooh, Doogie.
What if you don't want your picture on the internet? - This is ridiculous! - Excuse me, Gary.
"Ridiculous.
" Is that a gay term? Okay, yep.
I'll show myself out.
Oh, he's a little testy, isn't he? - Nah, he can go.
- Good luck.
We just trying to find out how it go.
Let's go, Stefan.
I think we pretty much got it.
Thank you, and may God bless America.
- All right.
- Right this way.
Couple introductions and we'll get you out of here.
- This is John O'Rourke.
- Nice to meet you, John.
- Mr.
Ian Roberts.
- Nice to meet you.
- Peter Atencio.
- All right, nice to meet you.
Jerome smith.
Come on, brothah.
What's up, fam? - You know this.
- Heath Williamson.
Nice to meet you.
- Mary Woodbury.
- Nice to meet you.
- Jay Martel.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
- Tasha Robins.
- Come on, come on, come on.
Mmm! - Feel that? - Emily George.
- Nice to meet you.
- Darrell Stokes.
Come on.
What's up, fam? - How you doin'? - All right.
Never forget about that, 'cause that's all we got.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
All right.
Ahh Bring it in, bring it in! Started from the bottom, now we here.
Yeah! Nice to meet you.
All right.
Nice to meet you.
All right.
Nice to-- Afternoon, my octoroon.
Come on, bring it in there.
Tuck that.
I'm in there, dog.
I'm in there, dog.
- You tucking it? - I'm in there, dog.
- You tucking it in there? - I'm in there.
- Let your tuck go.
- I'm in there, dog.
Let your tuck go.
You tucking it? My tuck.
I'm in there.
I'm in there.
I'm in there.
All right.
Nice to meet you, man.
Uh, nice to meet you.
Oh, my goodness, look at this.
Oh, she is so beautiful.
Mmm! I want another one.
There you go.
Precious, beautiful.
Beautiful.
What's her name? - This is Livia Roogey.
- Okay.
Nice to meet you, Miss Roogey.
All right.
Come on There he is.
Boom! Mr.
President.
All right, man.
Good to meet you.
Here we go.
Right this way, sir.
I'm trying to get the air on and turn off these lights We should just-- We going country.
We need to be going country.
We need to get some-- - Country music? - Yeah.
We need to get some hip, tickin', ruckin', tuckin', runt-- Like some stadium country, too.
- We're talking about-- - You said, "ruckin', tuckin'.
" You managed to say, "ruckin', - "tuckin'.
" - But I want to get-- You got to get your ruck tuckin' Pipe-riggin' country music You know what I'm talking about? That-- that line-dancin', right and prancin'.
Love to drinkin'.
I love when they be talking about, And the Lord Jesus saved my grand-- my mamaw's life Then talking about-- Then talk about the next song talking about, You gotta drink, drink Excuse me, sir.
- Well.
- Oh, well, well, well.
[bleep.]
Mexicans.
Oh, man, do not get me started on the Mexicans.
Hey, I was just saying.
They hold the goddamn economy together.
You know what, man? Damn straight.
If 12% of the Mexicans that live in this country stopped working, just 12%, the USA would shut down.
I don't even care who hears me.
Nope.
They work their asses off Mm-hmm.
And they got strong family values.
Essential immigrants.
Hey, speaking of immigrants, how about them Asians? Man, [bleep.]
, you know what, brother? You want to light that fuse? Then you better stand back 'cause I got something I want to say about those mother[bleep.]
.
Yeah, I got three words for you: "Estudious," hardworking, industrious.
Damn straight.
Asians are the highest income, best educated, and the fastest growing racial group in the U.
S.
of A.
Mm.
Plus, got the highest percentage of college graduates in the country-- good for them.
And I-- maybe this makes me sound racist, but those mother[bleep.]
, they're gonna save the country.
There it is.
You-- You went and said it.
I just said it.
I just came right the [bleep.]
out and said it.
It was in everyone's mind.
But I'm the one who said it.
Hey, and you know what? While we're at it, I'm gonna break my spine, tip-tap, dancing-wancing, prancing around the elephant in the room.
Yep.
- Blacks.
- [bleep.]
blacks.
- Buh-lacks.
- [bleep.]
blacks.
You know what you done done did? You opened up the floodgates now, my friend.
Released the Kraken.
Goddamn victims of institutionalized "Race-misme.
" And despite all that, they overcame the slavery and the segregation just to become CEOs and entrepreneurs.
And hey, one of 'em is the gosh-darn president.
And, I mean, that's just true right there.
That's just historical fact, man.
You can't even argue that.
Oh, how 'bout the Indians? [bleep.]
Native Americans.
I don't know if I could get in trouble these days for sayin' something like this, but they were here first.
It may be unpopular, but it's true.
We came to this country, and we steamrolled on in, and we genocided them.
I mean, hell, we owe 'em something.
There you go.
I got to tell you, man, that's not bad for a non-alcoholic beer.
Not bad at all.
All right.
I got to go home, take care of my kids.
How many of 'em you got now? - Just adopted the 11th.
- Oh! Can't help myself.
Man, that's always what happens when you volunteer for the earthquake relief in Haiti.
- Yep, yep, yep.
- And what you gon' do? What you gon' do? You know, my wife makes 2/3 of what I make.
What? Y'all got the same job, man.
That's just patently unfair.
That's right.
We're both librarians.
- You all right? - I'm okay.
Whoa, whoa You're a superstar Yeah, what everybody's waiting for is what you are Whoa, whoa Hey, what up, y'all? Welcome back to HCL.
We are in Hollywood.
I got the answers, and the answers this morning is Mother Majesty.
Thank you for being here, Mother Majesty.
Thank you for having me.
Yeah.
Now, before the break, we heard your song, uh, "She-nomenon" from the new hit album, Girl Army.
- Oh, yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.
Well, thank you so much, Scratch.
You know, this whole album is about girls and empowering girls and, you know, kind of just showing girls that they can be strong and powerful and do what they want to do and not what the media says they need to do.
All right.
All right.
That's deep.
That's deep.
Now we got some, uh, young females here who have some questions for you.
- Is that okay? - Oh, it's always okay.
- All right.
- It's always okay.
I always want to hear from my girl army.
Hi, Majesty, it is so cool to meet you.
Thank you so much.
I think you're beautiful just like that.
Um Yeah.
So, okay, last week, I took your advice from your song "Get some", and I "flaunted it till he wanted it," but I ended up losing my virginity to a guy that I don't know.
You see, it is time for girls to take back their power nowadays 'cause it's your body and it's your mind, and it-- you should use that to feel sexy and empowered.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, yeah, but now I'm pregnant.
Miracles.
Next question.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi, Majesty.
I'm Cassie.
I think your album rocks.
Thank you so much, Cassie.
I think you should never change your skin.
Okay.
So in your song "Friday Night Freak Down" Thank you so much, Cassie.
You say, "bend it over, touch the ground, he'll ride you like his merry-go-round.
" Yes, I do.
Is that about butt sex? What it's about, Cassie, is us reclaiming our bodies as women because, you know, for a long time, being sexy was about being sexy for a man.
But this is about being sexy for yourself.
Whoo! But I've got herpes in my butt.
Okay, let's change tracks for a second.
We gon' go to commercial.
When we come back, Mother Majesty is going to unfurl her new song.
- What is it about? - Oh, okay.
It's a-- It's kind of a love song, and it's about finding strength after having your heart broken.
All right.
We gon' go to commercial.
When we come back, Mother Majesty with "Who Got Next On This Blackberry Pie?".
Here's your dressing room, Your Majesty.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
That's right, girls.
Being overly sexual and being strong are the same thing.
It's the same thing.
It's the same thing.
Girl power! God, I think I'm allergic to this makeup.
Now why would I burp? That's weird.
It's getting ready to break down.
- So I know what that is.
- Yeah.
I know what that is.
I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.