Life in Pieces (2015) s04e01 Episode Script

1 - (INSECTS BUZZING) - JOHN: Well, it is rustic, - but it got five stars on Yelp.
- (SIGHS HAPPILY) And one of the stars was partially filled in.
JOAN: Oh, I'm so happy to be here with my family, celebrating our anniversary.
Just to think, 50 years ago, - to this very day, - Mm-hmm.
John and I were on the dance floor, and his father grabbed my ass.
Oh, oh, no, uh, Lark, honey, why don't you give me that stuffy so he doesn't get dirty, okay? No, I need my armadilldo.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) - Oh, uh, "dillo.
" She means "armadillo.
" Ever since we told her about the baby coming, she's just so attached to the stuffed animal.
Hello! Welcome to the Yucatán! I am Hayes, and my wife, Rebecca, uh, I'm sure she's around somewhere.
(CHUCKLES) I'm not sure where, but she is.
Uh, anyway, it's almost sundown, so it is time for bed.
I will show you to your rooms.
- (PROTESTING) - GREG: Wait, w-wait a minute.
We just got here.
We haven't eaten yet.
Thank you.
That reminds me.
Uh, no food in the rooms, 'cause they will attract pretty much, you know, uh, everything.
- (SCREECHING) - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you guys, look.
Look at the black birds flying out of that hole.
- (GASPING) - HAYES: Yes, yes.
Aren't they beautiful? Yeah, those are vampire bats.
Yep.
Open wounds? Does anybody have any open wounds? I would suggest covering them immediately as you go to your rooms.
Briskly.
Please walk quickly.
- Yep.
They are aggressive.
Okay.
- (CHATTERING) Yep, always walk in pairs.
Never alone.
Never alone here.
I got it.
(WHISPERS): Carry the child.
GREG: All right, well, it's not that bad.
You know? At least we have, uh, our own private bathroom.
(FLIES BUZZING) It's just a hole.
Maybe it's a laundry chute.
Maybe.
But there's definitely feces in there.
- (GASPS, SCREAMS) Oh, my God.
- What? - Go, get it.
- Uh, uh, okay, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.
I got it, I got it.
Here we go, here we go.
(GRUNTS, PANTS) Ugh.
- Oh! - (BOTH SCREAM) - Oh.
- JEN: Tim, could you knock? Whoa, look at this.
You guys have got wall-to-wall floors? (GASPS) And your own hole? Tim, why aren't you in your hut? I need to borrow some antihistamine.
One of the girls got bit really bad.
Which one? I don't know.
Her face swelled up so bad, I can't even tell.
I'm lucky though.
They don't bite me.
Um, I guess my blood's too sweet.
Ah! Look at this.
- A skylight! - (GROANS) Oh! You know what? Maybe you should take some, too.
Just to be safe.
Yeah.
Yeah, my head is, like, throbbing.
Maybe I got dehydrated on that flight.
Thank you.
(EXHALES, GRUNTS) - (INSECTS BUZZING) - Oh! (SCREAMING) It's under my eyelid! Mommy, I'm scared.
Oh, no.
No, Uncle Tim is probably fine.
I mean, he stopped screaming, didn't he? No, I can't find Armadilldo.
Okay.
It's-it's "dillo," Lark.
Armadillo.
Where did you last see him, honey? Out there, next to a bug.
(SCREECHING) Well, everything's gonna be okay.
We'll just have to go look for him in the morning.
No, I need him now.
He'll die out there.
- Oh - Find him, Daddy! Find him! It's all our fault.
I mean, we're forcing a new baby on her, and now - we've lost her only comfort in life.
- (CRYING) We didn't lose it, okay? I sewed in a GPS tracker onto Armadillo.
You did what, now? And you can sew? Well, I wasn't about to lose the only thing that she cares about.
I put one in your shoe, too.
My shoe? Yeah, that way, when you come home from work, I know it's time to reheat dinner.
(SPUTTERS) Uh-huh.
And it gives you time to clear your browser history.
Anyway, um, if you're here, then Armadillo is all the way out there.
Okay, yeah, no, I-I'm not going out there.
Fine.
Then when Lark can't make meaningful emotional connections with other people, we'll just tell her it's because Daddy was afraid of a few bugs.
I'm fine with that.
(GROANS) (SHOUTING) (SPITTING) All right, the bugs were swarming my phone, so we're just gonna have to do this tomorrow, unless you've got a better idea.
You know, I don't think you arming me with your shoe and a baby monitor qualifies as a better idea, honey.
This is genius.
All right, I see you with my shoe, and there's the armadillo.
Yeah, you're closing in.
This is a walk in the park.
(SHOUTING) Spiders! Aah! Greg, you can do this, okay? Just remember, - you're doing it for Lark.
- Yes, I know.
What if we're just coddling her? We're not coddling her.
She's freaked out about the baby.
Maybe she just needs to understand that, you know, just because there's a new baby doesn't mean that we love her any less.
Okay, well, you're making a lot of sense.
Just bring back Armadillo, and we can talk about it.
How much further? Just keep going straight.
Good, yeah, love that hustle.
Uh, Jen, I'm standing still.
Okay, well, then we've got a problem, 'cause one of you is moving.
Is Armadillo moving? Hold on.
I'm getting my dots mixed up.
Is Armadillo moving? Oh, okay.
Now I got it.
Yes.
Yes, he is.
And at a pretty fast clip.
Oh, my God.
Something has him.
He's running towards you.
Greg, run! Don't drop my shoe! I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die, Jen.
(RUSTLING) (HIGH-PITCHED): I'm dying right now.
Greg? HAYES (QUIETLY): Rebecca? (BOTH SHOUT) Oh.
It's you.
Sorry.
I was looking for my wife, and I found this.
I-I thought it may be a clue.
Oh, my gosh.
You found it.
(LAUGHS) Thank you! Oh! This is my daughter's.
Oh.
Okay.
Wait, do you not know where your wife is? No, I kn (CHUCKLES) I know where she is.
Rebecca! They need more towels in hut six! (CHUCKLES) (QUIETLY): Rebecca.
Where are you? You're scaring me.
(INSECTS BUZZING) - Oh, my God.
- (GASPS) Oh, Greg.
Oh, yes.
You are absolutely the bravest man I know.
It was nothing, babe.
I mean, I'm-I'm just I'm so glad, you know, that you didn't give up, because now Lark has what she needs to feel loved and secure.
We're not coddling her.
I was just scared.
Yeah.
(YELPING) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERING) - (GROANS) - (PANTING) - Dillo ran away? - Mm-hmm.
I'll write the good-bye note with my left hand.
- She'll never know.
- Great.
Okay, so, we have zip-lining, bungee jumping, spelunking The caves.
(CHUCKLES) That's probably where Rebecca is hiding.
Yes, let's do spelunking.
Aw, I wanted to do the caves.
Oh, they're great.
They have a crystal forest there that will blow your mind.
Tyler, you love crystals.
- I like crystals.
- Well, someone loves crystals.
- Sam, is that you? - No.
(GROANS) It's gonna ruin my day.
It's me.
I love crystals.
Hey, you know what? They'll take pictures.
You big kids go have fun, and Sophia and I will have our own wild adventure right here, huh? Oh, that's right.
You love Billy Crystal.
I like Billy Crystal.
(SIGHS) I want to do what you guys are doing.
This is gonna suck.
Sorry.
Looks like you're Mom's vacation buddy.
I always am.
Dad should have to be.
He's the one who married her.
But your dad can't do a mother-daughter fashion show.
There's a fashion show? Yeah.
"Fashion in the Jungle.
" (GROANS) How many times do you think Mom's gonna roar during this? Just tell Mom that you want to come with us.
I can't.
Remember when I tried calling her Mom instead of Mommy? She cried for a whole week.
I had to wet the bed again to make her feel better.
We all bailed on her at some point, Soph.
I did when the breastfeeding ended.
I don't like that I can still remember that.
Or do what I do.
Ignore her, then when she asks why, scream at her and say she's embarrassing.
And if that fails, you can just convince Mom to have another kid.
She's still fertile.
Ew.
What? Dad told me.
I didn't ask.
So, we walk like this on the runway in our beachwear, and then we stop.
Pose.
(ROARS) And then you throw a beach ball.
That sounds really fun.
But it's so much work, and you're on vacation.
You should get to relax, and I'll just go zip-lining.
Listen, th-this is relaxing to me.
I love spending time with you.
You have so much love to give.
Why not try giving it to someone new? Someone younger? Balder? Oh, honestly, if I was gonna cheat on your dad, it would be with a guy with a full head of hair.
No, I mean a baby.
Is that what this is about? Oh, honey, are you worried that I'm gonna have another baby? - What? No.
- Oh, honey, no.
Listen, you will always be my baby.
- Oh, I - Oh, come here.
Oh, you feel better? (GRUNTS) Well, I've been bitten by the spelunking bug.
(CHUCKLES) Mm.
But to be fair, I did antagonize him.
- I'm getting Dad antihistamine, okay? - Great.
Uh-oh.
Hey, what's wrong? Nothing.
You'll tell Mom.
Hey, you can tell me anything.
I will always keep it just between us.
- Sophia hates you.
- Oh.
She doesn't hate me.
Sophia's my little baby sweet pea.
Okay, she doesn't hate you.
She hates that.
She's tired of all the little kid stuff.
She just doesn't know how to tell you.
Sophia can tell me anything.
That's what our snuggle time is for.
I don't think you're hearing me.
She doesn't want to tell you 'cause she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
She knows that once she's older, all you're gonna have to look forward to is mall walking and irregular periods.
She said that? Well, no, I said it, but she agreed.
Oh, my God.
I'm the one who's supposed to be worried about her feelings, and she's worried about me.
Oh, I'm a terrible mother.
- (GROANS) - Only in this instance specifically.
You know, the whole time I've just been saying that Sophia's not ready to grow up, but you know what? I'm the one who's not ready.
Well, hey, you should be happy.
You know? Your job's done now.
Finally just you and I get to hang out.
Of course, I'll be at work, but you'll find something to fill your time.
- Go, Sam! - Whoo! (SCREAMING) Oh! (WHOOPING) (SIGHS) So, what should we do now? Play I Spy? Yes.
(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, I want to go first.
I spy, I spy with my little eye a girl who is ready to try zip-lining.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Thanks, Mommy.
Oh! (CHUCKLES) You can call me Mom.
(CHUCKLES) You know what? I think I left the stove on.
We should get to that.
(GASPS) Nope.
Oh, sweetie, listen, you don't have to protect me anymore.
Okay? It's time for us to both be big girls.
No, I'm really scared.
I know you are, honey.
So am I.
- All right, let her go.
- (SCREAMING) I love you! (SCREAMING CONTINUES) Hi, I'm back.
How are you doing? Did you get any sleep? No.
I've been sitting here for eight hours, praying that nothing lays any eggs - in any of my face holes.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, what if I told you I figured out a way to fix this whole vacation? I'd call you a liar, and I'd spit in your lying face.
I'm serious.
Remember that really pretty, fancy hotel - we passed on our way in? - Uh-huh.
Well, I called, and I splurged, and I got the last room.
Yay! Are you speechless because you love it so much? Oh, honey.
No.
- I-I love you so much for trying, - Uh-huh.
but, um We can't go.
That's just not an option.
But why not? You're miserable here.
Well, yeah, but we're all miserable.
It's a family vacation.
That's what family vacations are.
Oh, you are so lucky that your father abandoned you and you didn't have to go on a family vacation.
Yeah, but nobody has to know.
We're only gonna spend our nights there.
Like when I dated my professor.
Yeah.
I get it.
I just can't do it.
It would break my parents' heart.
- (SIGHS) - And also, I have an agreement in place with the spiders.
I don't go out there, and they don't come in here.
Well, you should've made that same deal with the snakes.
What snakes? - Oh! God! - (GASPS) What? I love that the only animals in here are made of towels.
And I love that you won't cry yourself to sleep tonight.
You okay, Sam? What a night.
(CHUCKLES): I am never going to complain about anything again.
This is breakfast? HAYES: Yeah, I'm sorry about all this.
I'm a little distracted.
Seems like someone has cleared out our bank account and also stolen my wife's passport.
JOHN: Hey.
I slept like I had five margaritas last night, which is weird because I had seven.
How did you guys sleep? - No sleep.
- If you want to call it sleep, you can.
MATT: Hey! There's my wonderful family.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
- Hi.
- What's on the agenda for today? JOAN: Well, Hayes is going to take us to the beach.
(MATT GASPS) And all we have to do is ride in a trailer on the back of a tractor for two hours.
And don't worry, we have water to share.
- Oh, that's great.
- Yay! Fun.
But, I mean, this whole vacation has been great.
- COLLEEN: Yeah.
- JOAN: Oh, what a wonderful attitude, honey.
I forget how great your face is when you smile.
Aw, how could anyone not smile when we are so blessed to be together in this beautiful paradise? - Mm-hmm.
- JOAN: Whoa, who just leapt over Tim - in the in-law rankings? - (COLLEEN CHUCKLES) - COLLEEN: Yes! - JOAN: I mean, if I had such a thing, which I don't.
All right.
Who's ready to attack the day? COLLEEN: Whoo! I love the beach.
The beach.
- Absolutely.
Huh? - GREG: Hey.
What is this? All right.
Why aren't you as miserable as the rest of us? Yeah, why do you look like you smell good? Why would you smell good? - (SNIFFS) Come here.
- What are you doing? - Just want to smell you.
Oh, come on.
- Heather.
- Just a sni Oh! - Hey.
Sandalwood.
He smells like sandalwood.
Hey.
- (HEATHER GASPS) - TIM: What? What do you need a key card for? Our door is a sheet.
Okay, fine.
Last night we slept at that really nice resort down the road.
You broke the first rule of family vacation.
We are supposed to suffer together.
I know.
I really wanted to suffer with all of you, - but she just loves me too much.
- I do.
You know, I hate to do this, but I'm gonna have to tell Mom.
Oh, you don't hate doing this.
You love it.
You're absolutely right.
This could be the best part of my trip.
Okay, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
What if I tell you there's a way for us all to have a great vacation and still not disappoint your mom? I'd call you a liar and I'd spit in your lying face.
- Oh, so this is like a family thing? - Yeah.
Okay.
- TIM: Wow.
- MATT: To my beautiful wife and her incredibly dysfunctional upbringing, which has taught us all that sometimes to have a family vacation, you need to escape a family vacation.
- Aw, thank you.
- Cheers.
- That's right.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Ooh! Oh, that's our seafood towers.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Towers? - TIM: Oh You guys, this is all going on my credit card.
Where are all the towels? Sorry.
I had to use a bottom towel, a top towel and a hair towel.
Uh, and you guys are out of toilet paper.
I'd been holding it for five days.
And remember, I called dibs on shower once Jen and Lark are out.
Perfect.
I'm gonna take a bath.
We can do it at the same time since they're separate.
Separate how? Get over yourself, Greg.
I've seen you naked tons of times.
When? Well, you may have saved the family vacation, but they have ruined ours.
Oh, you guys got to try these daiquiris.
They're bachelorette party-sized.
(LAUGHS) How many have you had? I don't know, but this one's going straight to my head.
Greg, you're gonna have to keep an eye on me in that bath, I tell you what.
(LAUGHING) I'll keep an eye on you, too.
We can look at each other while we do it.
So I still don't get why we gave Jen and Greg our room.
She's pregnant, John.
She's been throwing up the whole trip.
Well, this is Mexico.
Everybody's throwing up.
You know, it's our 50th, Joanie.
This should've been a romantic getaway just the two of us.
Oh, honey.
What better way to celebrate 50 years - than being with our entire family? - (INSECTS BUZZING) Celebrating alone.
Hey, did you see that resort we passed on the way here? For the same money, we could've got a real fancy room there.
And abandon our family? What kind of a terrible person does that? It's not terrible to want one romantic night with your wife.
Or at least a hard 15 minutes.
Well, come up here.
I don't want to lose it on the climb.
Why don't you come down here? John, it took me 20 minutes to get up here.
(SIGHS) That's a poisonous ant.
Don't touch it.
- That's a poisonous frog.
Don't touch it.
- JOAN: Okay.
That's a poisonous lizard.
Rebecca left me.
This guy doesn't stop yapping.
And, uh, up ahead is the crown jewel of our property, an old burial ground.
Oh! A Mayan burial ground? Well, it's more of a drug cartel burial ground.
But there is a beautiful waterfall next to it.
It was Rebecca's favorite.
But I'm sure she'll be happy in Dayton, - right? - Oh.
- Joanie.
- Got her old job back.
Let's take a closer look at this tree.
- What tree? - Who cares? The only thing I want to see is you.
Oh, sweetie.
Can't you just make the best of it? I have the best of it.
And look where we are.
Look, it's paradise.
And you're still the most beautiful thing here.
Oh, John.
Mm.
Come on, honey.
We should keep up with the tour.
The graves, the waterfall.
We'll catch up, huh.
Uh, we just need a hard 15 minutes.
A hard 15 in the jungle? This is all your fault! We're stumbling around a jungle, lost for two hours.
I'll never see my family again, and I'm worried about Hayes.
I think he's-he's clinically depressed.
Listen to me, Joanie.
We're gonna get through this.
Trust me.
A road.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, I thought, sure, we were gonna die.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, please.
Oh, stop.
Help here! Here, let me help you.
No! You've done enough.
You and your selfish jungle sex.
Why can't you be more like the kids? They just want to be with us.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Thank you so much.
(EXCITED CHATTER, LAUGHTER) HEATHER: Okay, Mom.
Before you say anything, just know that staying at the nice hotel - was all Colleen's idea.
- What?! - Yeah.
She practically forced us to do it.
- Yeah.
So remember that next time you're ranking the in-laws.
(EXHALES) Narc.
JOAN: Are you telling me you've been sneaking off to a fancy resort? Our children suck.
Well, I hope you're all happy.
Now your mom has a broken heart and possibly a broken leg.
What happened to her leg? Well, we got lost deep in the jungle, and then the terrain was very treacherous.
But-but before that, she slipped on a rock while we were doing it.
- HEATHER: Dad.
- COLLEEN: TMI.
Noice.
Look, your mom went out of her way to give us a great vacation.
Now we have to find a way to make her feel better.
I wish I could give you my armadilldo.
It's "dillo," Lark.
Okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
What if I told you there's a way for you to salvage your trip and still have the most amazing anniversary ever? I'd call you a liar and spit in your lying face.
JOHN: We want to thank you kids.
This is exactly what we wanted.
I can't believe it's 50 years, and look at this beautiful family we've created.
JOHN: Yeah.
What your mother's trying to say is beat it.
It's our anniversary.
GREG: I cannot believe they wouldn't let us stay with them.
MATT: Hey, well, at least Mom and Dad are having a happy anniversary, right? COLLEEN: Yeah, that's something.
Tim, when did you get that tattoo of a scorpion on your neck? I don't have a scorpion tattoo.
Oh, my God.
Nobody move! Here come the bats.
MATT: Oh.
ALL: Run! [ALL SHOUTING.]
Tim, you have a scorpion on your neck! Don't leave me here! I love you!