Mad Dogs (2010) s04e01 Episode Script

1 Bienvenidos, amigos.
If you die before us, can we have your villa? It's all yours, man.
Seriously, put it in all your names.
(GUNSHOT) Stay there.
Max! Where are we? South Africa.
I'll be waiting for you.
I'm arresting you for possession and sale of cocaine.
Why don't you marry her? Then you can stop kissing her.
Yeah, why don't you marry me and take me to England? The good news is that you are free.
The bad news is that you are dead again.
I'm so sorry, the tube.
Dad, you're here.
Don't worry.
OK.
OK.
Just give me a minute.
A minute.
Are you nervous? I am a bit, yeah.
Talking to her.
Dad, are you gonna barf? Oh! Dad! Mum said I should be prepared for you to let me down.
But I knew you wouldn't.
Come on.
Give me away before you pass away.
(CHURCH ORGAN INTRO) Here Comes The Bride Here.
Savannah Suite.
We go to both receptions.
There he is.
Oh, Christ, excuse me.
Hello, mate.
Come here.
How you doing? I didn't think you were coming.
What, and miss Emma's big day? Ey, we've known her since she was an egg, pal.
You were supposed to RSVP.
Do you know what RSVP means? Course we do.
Sounds like you'd rather you hadn't come? Not at all.
She's thrilled that you've come.
I just thought we might have met up on our own rather than at my daughter's wedding.
I've been trying but you never return my calls.
Sorry, mate.
It's been a bit mental.
What, good mental or bad mental? Good mental.
Very good.
Keeping busy, then? Yup.
Non stop.
Non stop.
It's justah, so great to be back, isn't it? Fabulous.
It is good to be back.
See? Told you it wouldn't take long.
Two months back, Bax is already on his feet.
Hang on.
I'm back on my feet, too.
Yeah, I know, I wasn't It's just you not on your feet.
I am on my feet.
I said I'm getting on my feet.
Oi! Oh! My Oh, Christ, there's my back.
You look beautiful, darling.
Thank you.
How do I look? Shifty.
So, little Emma is Mrs Whatever his name is? Actually, I am not "Mrs" anyone.
You're not divorced already? Keeping my name.
Good for you.
Use it wisely.
It's like spending two and a half hours in a lawnmower.
Yes.
Great.
You probably know who we are.
Does this mean we get? We're not doing any questions, OK.
Are you giving us our names back? Hey, what did I say about questions? Why are they doing this now? You think we "chose" to do this? Nobody chooses how these things roll out.
We might think we're making choices but believe me, we're not.
The two you witnessed um How shall we say this? .
.
standing down you guys thought they were one thing and we thought they were something else.
Turns out we were all wrong.
What we in the company call, shit in your hat and wearing it.
You might have even done us a favour.
Jesus, do I need to thank you for this? Nah, screw that.
So, are we totally in the clear? From here on in, it's all about what you don't say and where you don't go.
You got your names back.
Use them wisely.
Go home.
Stay there.
Is it OK if some of us want to stay here? Yeah, that's a great idea, pal.
We'll get you some t-shirts made, shall we? "I heart Narco Finance.
" How about that? Get the hell out of here! Thank you.
Um I'd like to start by saying That's actually for the toast, Rick.
Ah, sorry.
I got another one.
Sorry, carry on.
Um I'd like to start by saying a big thank you to all of you for being here today to see my gorgeous daughter Emma marry Trey.
Now, I may not be the most .
.
qualified person in the world to talk about Trey.
As many of you know, I've been abroad for a while.
(COUGHS) Or so he says.
Mum.
What? Now is a great time for him to tell us where he's really been.
So I Thanks for that.
OK, maybe I should .
.
clear a few things up while I'm here.
You know, sometimes in life .
.
things don't always roll out the way they are supposed to.
I have been away.
WOMAN: Yeah, in the chokey.
(LAUGHTER) No.
I haven't been in prison.
No, I've Believe me, I've wanted to be home for a very long time.
So for me today is like a whole new Well, more of a more of a second (MUSICAL RINGTONE) Sorry.
Sorry.
Everybody.
Hello.
Hola.
(SPEAKS SPANISH) Can I call you back later.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Yeah.
To the bride and groom.
ALL: The bride and groom.
Yeah, I'll call you back later.
Yeah, no problem.
OK.
Thank you.
Gracias.
All right, Nina? You look great.
You look thinner.
Did you get the letter from my solicitor about the kids' visits? Yeah, yeah.
It'll be good if they can stay the night.
It's not gonna happen.
As long as you are in a bedsit.
It's a studio apartment.
I'm not saying you can't see them, just not stay the night, that's all.
I'm sorry but one of us has to be a responsible parent.
It's just temporary till I get back on my feet.
I just wanted to say Look.
Things happen.
I get it.
Life goes in unexpected directions.
I get the fact that you were .
.
that you were unfulfilled.
Maybe I was, too.
But I tell you this, I've moved on.
I hope you've found what you are looking for.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Down! When I saw you pass by I thought I saw you looking my way (SONG CONTINUES) Are you gonna dance with me, then? You asking me, because you feel sorry for me? Or because you want to laugh at me? Both.
So How does it feel having a married sister? OK.
I'm more worried about having a miserable dad.
He's not miserable, is he? Why doesn't he go back? He liked Australia, didn't he? Yeah.
So you're a liar, too, then? He never went there.
Why did you say it, then? Why did you agree with me? Come here.
It's complicated, Linds.
I just want him to be happy.
He's got no work and lives in a stinky B&B.
I thought he was working.
He's irritated all the time.
You know your old man.
Always been a bit glass-half-empty, hasn't he? When he was there.
Was there a time when he was happy? Yeah.
Yeah, I think there was.
Then why doesn't he go back to her, then? I was made for you I was made for you Hi, love.
White wine, please.
So where is the other one of you idiots? Dance floor.
Not him.
Alvo? I don't think he'll be coming.
How is he doing anyway? Ah.
Not seen him for ages.
We've kind of drifted apart.
How are you, Woody? Got anything going on? No.
Nothing.
Just trying to find a bit of work that, I don't know, means something, I suppose.
Not just a job for job's sake.
I'm not asking you this time.
I'm begging you.
Don't leave me with Trey's parents again.
I was just asking about Alvo.
Yeah.
You still see him, don't you, Woods? You just don't change, do you, you lot? Still lie for each other and think you get one over on the rest of us.
Does it ever occur to you that every lie you tell, every stupid scam that you pull, is gonna come back and catch you out in the end? Right, girls.
OK.
We've just decided Since this is the first time you two have been together in god knows how long.
And mum looks so gorgeous.
And Dad looks soDebenhams.
You should have a dance together.
No, that's not a good idea.
If you love us, you'll do it.
WOODY: Have a dance.
Come on.
ALTHEA & DONNA: Uptown Top Ranking (CHEERING) Oi, where did you get that? (MUMBLES) That wedding.
Oh.
He only had sparkling wine.
They got an ice bar in there.
Got oysters.
I tell you, got everything.
Mmm.
Do they look happier? The Bourasque Kravatamins? Oh, they are.
Hey, it's superficial though, innit? Your wedding, mate, your wedding's got more .
.
joy.
You got some work then, Quinn? Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
Well maybe.
Can't really commit to anything until Christiane gets here.
She needs to sort out our divorce, so All about She hasn't said it isn't.
Soyeah.
Just wish I could have stayed there really.
What about Shani? Ah, nightmare.
She can't get a visa.
Practically have to prove you've a Swiss bank account.
She can't get here.
I can't get there.
I'm thinking the kindest thing to do is break it off.
No.
Yeah, I I'll tell her I've met someone.
No, you can't do that, Woody.
You love her.
Listen.
Guys.
I mean it's great being back and everything but I've got this great idea.
What the hell are you doing? This is our daughter's wedding.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just There are so few times when she really needs her dad.
And you know what, this might just be one of them.
You're supposed to be mingling.
I have mingled.
You haven't said a word to my mum an dad.
Jesus.
I'm all mingled out, to be honest.
That was horrible.
Pussy-whipped by your ex.
Might as well just leave his testicles on the buffet table.
Mind you, she is paying for it all.
Yes.
(LIVELY MUSIC) So, this idea.
Listen.
I really, really don't want to know about it.
Well, you might when you hear it's worth two million euros to each of us.
Alvo left us his villa, right? He said he was going to, but did he really? This is the proof.
I was waiting for us all to get back together.
Maybe now is not the time.
My daughter is getting Well, when can we meet? How is your work schedule? Sparse.
You're not working.
Don't look at me like that.
Lindsay told me.
Why didn't you tell us? It's all about face with him.
I suppose you've got a great job? At least I don't pretend.
Cards on the table.
You're the one who forced us all to come back.
What have come back for? I'll tell you, if you want, Baxter.
Fuck all.
I'm delivering pizzas.
Oh, my god.
OK why don't we all meet up here tomorrow morning for breakfast? We can go through it in detail.
You going back to Sussex tonight? No, I'm staying with Nina.
What? what? She invited you back? You tried to dry hump her on the dance floor.
I wasn't trying to dry hump her.
It looked like you were trying to dry hump her to me.
He stayed with her last night.
What did you tell him that for? What? You told him about the job.
I assumed you wanted everything in the open.
Which is why we need to talk about this.
Look I got in touch with the land registrar in Majorca.
Are you fucking her? Oh, god.
Are you and Nina fucking each other? Can we stick to the subject? I don't like seeing my name on legal documents.
I'm not fucking your ex-wife, who I remind you, I have known longer than you have.
Not that it's any of your business.
So you have? Hey, why is my signature on here? This is all our signatures.
You forged our signatures? No, no, no.
I merely inserted signatures by proxy to get the ball rolling.
That's fucking fraud! Ten seconds, explain, or I'll put your head through that fish tank.
We legally own Alvo's villa.
That means legally I can sell it.
I mean WE can sell it.
You've just tried to sell the villa without fucking telling us.
I justlisted it on our behalf.
So you have? You could have sold it, buggered off with all the money and none of us would have known anything about it? What else have you forged our signatures on, Rick? And what happened to "Use your names wisely"? Rick? Would you mind not looming? That's right, shithead.
Fucking hell.
Boys Boys! Argh! Whoa, Rick! Come on, then! Come on! Ow! Fucking twat! Come on! Quinn! Eat that! Yeah? Argh! (SHOCKED GASPS) EMMA: What the hell are you doing? It's nothing, darling.
It's all right, Em.
I just slipped.
What is the matter with you? Why don't we all just go back in? No! Do NOT come back into the party.
I'll-I'll go get a dustpan.
You're not welcome here, dude.
Oh, fuck off, or I'm having you as well.
Jesus Christ, shut up, will you? Just get out.
All of you, get out, go" Now.
Well, thanks a lot, Rick.
Night in a police cell, just what I wanted.
Criminal damage.
How much is that gonna cost? More than I've got.
Right, well, this is me.
Look after yourselves.
Selling the villa .
.
it's not such a stupid idea.
(RINGS) Hello.
They are.
No, that's fine.
Bye-bye.
Hey! Come back, you! Ah.
(SPEAKS LOCAL DIALECT) How are you? Good.
Hola.
Hello.
Master.
Christiane.
How are you? Hello.
Welcome.
If I knew it was like this, I'd have stayed in Stockwell.
He had a knife.
How do you know he didn't have a gun? I'm fine, for fuck's sake.
Stop worrying.
Actually, I'm not.
I'm worried about me.
I made a commitment to you, to us, because you said you wanted a normal life.
Shani, come here.
Listen.
I've been working some stuff out and I want to give another 30 grand towards the clinic.
What? I thought you'd be pleased.
Giving him the house wasn't enough? That was just setting it up.
We still need to maintain it.
That's how it's gonna be? You'll keep giving your money away? You'd prefer we keep it ourselves? That's not what I mean.
I'm trying to help here.
I'm trying to do something.
Just forget it.
Do what you want with your drug money.
I keep telling you, it is not drug money.
We inherited it.
For fuck's sake.
All right? Cheers.
Beautiful.
Come on.
Come upstairs.
How was your flight? Really good.
Got some sleep.
Oh, that's good.
Hey, Bax.
I just got to show you this.
Check this out.
It's not just his room.
It's a room with gadgets.
Ah.
Ready? (WHIRRING) Wh? Why? Panic room.
In case you have a panic attack.
It's OK, Baxter.
It's OK.
Bax! So, here is your room.
And you can stay here as long as you want.
It has a fantastic view.
Come see.
Hey.
Thanks, mate.
Thanks for kicking my arse, making this happen.
It's time to make the leap, Bax.
Are you sure, it's you knowOK? What? Being back here? They did tell us It's fine, we're rich, don't worry about it.
Do you know what we've got, Bax? For the first time since college.
Choices.
This is lovely.
What? Don't say a word.
Oh, man, I'm not cut out for this.
Yeah, we noticed.
I function best on carpet tiles close to beverage dispensers.
Tell you something, you'll never make a landscape gardener.
Right.
Another dream shattered.
OK! (SHOUTS) Hey.
All right.
See you Monday, Magnus.
Stay out of trouble.
Whoo! Free at last.
Ey up.
Good day at the office? Oh, man.
Look.
I got blisters.
How are you doing? Yeah, all right.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Why wouldn't I be? It's so beautiful.
More than I imagined.
I love the light, gardens, the mountains.
And you know what is so great? My mother is gonna love it, too.
Your mother? When she arrives.
We agreed, right? Your mother? I'm making a joke.
Oh.
Ha-ha.
One of those Spanish jokes, is it? Yeah.
I'm just saying it's a small price to pay.
Blisters in return for selling cocaine to a cop.
I'd take that.
You turn up on Monday wearing gardening gloves, you'll lose what little respect they've got for you.
I lost that ages ago.
Oh! Papillon.
Whoa, where's my present? Hello, mate.
Mate, you stink.
That is the smell of honest toil.
How are you doing? I'm good.
A toast I think.
As long as it's better than your wedding speech.
Jesus.
We almost slit our wrists.
I would like to say thank you to Rick, without whose forward-thinking, none of this would have been possible.
To Rick.
Cheers, Bax.
Yeah, to me.
All right, mate.
I've actually made 15% of my money already.
Just by I'm just saying.
I'd like to propose a toast to Carmen for organising the sale of the villa in Majorca so we didn't have to do a ruddy Carmen.
Thank you.
Cheers.
OK.
Absent friends.
To Alvo.
Whatever he did or didn't do, this is all down to his generosity.
To Alvo.
Alvo.
Alvo.
I'm gonna get a quick dip.
Quinn, is it all right if I get changed? I'd rather you took a shower actually.
I'll rinse it off in the pool.
Argh! Hey! Fucking there's something in the pool.
It's a creature! I know what you're all thinking.
You think it's a sign or something.
It's a goat in a swimming pool again.
Goats fall in pools.
So do birds, so do I don't know, insects.
It's a a coincidence.
What coincidence? Doesn't exactly bode well, does it? I mean, how are you gonna keep burglars out if a goat can get in? I'm just saying.
Could someone have just thrown it over? It's just a goat.
For god's sake.
Surrounded by mountains.
There's loads wandering around.
It's nothing.
Really.
Let's not say anything to the girls, right, about Well, that this has happened before.
You will drain the pool, yes? Yeah.
After we've eaten.
And disinfect it, please.
Course.
Carmen was saying you've been talking about America, Bax? Umwell yeah, maybe.
Just need to work out what I'm gonna do first and then we can make plans.
No, no more thinking like this.
No more mortgage.
No more paying for utilities.
No more office hours.
We just go.
Away.
She's right, Bax.
You need to learn to loosen up a bit, my old pal.
Shani and I might start a family.
Do you know how? Where is Shani anyway? She's doing the morning shift.
She'll join us later.
They've had a row.
Are you gonna spark up the bright, Quinn? Some of us have been working.
Yes, Rick.
Hey, Carmen.
Did I show you my blisters? I think you did.
(BUZZER) Jesus Christ.
What was that? It's just somebody at the gate.
Probably Shani.
She's forgiven him.
What? Nothing, mate.
Hello.
'It's a delivery.
' OK, there's a slot to the right-hand side of the gate.
Slip it in there, please.
'No.
I need a signature.
Here.
' OK, just hold on.
Everything all right? Yeah.
It's justpost.
Thank you.
What is it? It's for Baxter.
For me? It's from Majorca.
Majorca? (SPEAKS SPANISH) A summons.
It's all in Spanish.
You're supposed to be in court.
What? In Majorca.
When? Five days' time.
"Attendance mandatory.
Citizens have the obligation to co-operate with Justice Section 118 of the Constitution.
If you fail to appear in court" For what? Hold on, I'm trying to see.
You rented a car two years ago from Parma Airport.
Yeah.
You're being charged with stealing the car.
What? That's nuts.
No, we did, didn't we? They are also charging you for 772 days' rental.
What? And a fine.
105 thou Hold on.
Somebody is making a joke here.
Right? Your friends? I mean, this doesn't make any sense.
How would a Spanish court know you are here right now? Exactly.
You are playing schoolboy games? We're not.
Are we? Hang on a minute.
Let me just go and see if she's still there.
You know, if one was being strictly accurate, you did rent it, Bax.
Yeah, well, we all rented it.
We all rented it, but you're the one who actually rented it.
We're all liable for this, Rick.
Not by the letter of the law.
But I get where you are coming from.
Perhaps it has something to do with the credit card? 'Sake.
Why does this always happen to me? No stress.
It's OK.
There's a number here.
Will you speak to them for me? Yeah.
Quinn.
Where is the phone, mate? It's in the kitchen.
If it's Saturday today, he won't get hold of him.
Go give him a call, Carm.
I'm afraid our Baxter has a little bit of a persecution complex.
No, he doesn't.
Excuse me for knowing him 25 years longer than you.
Ey up, out of pop, Quinn.
There's plenty more where that came from.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
I'll give you a hand.
It's OK.
Stay.
I'll get it.
I'm sure you won't drink that much.
Really? I thought we were.
Forget it.
It's sabado, Saturday.
Oh.
Listen to me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
If you go out there, you'll be shot.
OK? We'll all find out what's going on and all go out there together.
OK? Jesus fucking Christ.