Mad Men s04e01 Episode Script

Who is Don Draper? Excuse me? Who is Don Draper? What do men say when you ask that? Well, they usually take a minute to think about it, and then they do something cute.
One creative director said he was a lion tamer.
I don't want to do that.
In the third person? I don't know.
Knockout wife, two kids, house in Westchester.
Take the train, maybe take your car now that you can afford it.
And who told you that? Anything? I mean, now's your chance.
Well, as I said before, I'm from the Midwest.
We were taught that it's not polite to talk about yourself.
Obviously your Glo-Coat floor wax commercials caused a bit of a squeal.
On the creative side, anyway.
What made you think of this idea? I wanted it to be indistinguishable from the movies.
I wanted people to be watching it and say, "What's happening in the story right now? It's something else.
" It's not an ad.
At least not for the first 30 seconds of it.
Very good, then.
I think I have all I need.
It's only a few hundred words, but on the bright side, the picture may be bigger than the article.
You all should meet.
This is Jack Hammond from Advertising Age.
Roger Sterling and Pete Campbell.
I hope we're not interrupting this crisp and engaging portrait you're painting.
Steady there.
-What happened there? -Korea.
We're grateful for your sacrifice.
Peter.
Jack.
Well, it's nice to meet you all.
Yeah, I'd love to bend your ear when I finish my book.
Certainly.
Don, it was a pleasure.
-I look forward to the article.
-We all do.
My uncle lost his leg hitching a trailer.
He used to ask me to scratch his toes.
He didn't have any.
-We don't have time, Roger.
-One quick pop, Louise.
All right.
Where is this party? The Sheraton? A wooden leg.
They're so cheap they can't even afford a whole reporter.
I'm Peter Campbell, and I'm assuming you're Jim.
-Yeah.
-And this must be Murray.
Bob.
Murray stayed in Portland.
Too bad.
Missing jackhammer season.
Roger Sterling.
-And you must be Donald Draper.
-Don.
Bob.
We're very, very excited you had time to meet with us, Don.
Murray told us Y&R had done Glo-Coat.
Turns out everybody in New York, except him, knows it's you.
And I think they're a little jealous.
Can't tell who the client is here.
I know a little, but what we need to know, what Don needs to know is, what exactly is your concern? Well, I must say I'm getting tired of saying this today.
Next time, just have one meeting.
We at Jantzen have had a steady 25% bite of the apple.
But the two-piece is most of our concern.
You have a great bikini.
I've spent some time with the catalog, and I would say no concerns at all.
It's not a bikini.
Bikini is underwear you wear to the beach.
We make a two-piece bathing suit.
We're a family company.
And nowadays it's tough to make a dent if your ads don't look like a girlie magazine.
Do you want women who want bikinis to buy your two-piece, or do you just want to make sure women who want a two-piece don't suddenly buy a bikini? My Lord.
That question just tied a knot in my brain.
Our competitors get bigger the smaller they make that swimsuit.
We don't do that.
We would like to find a way without playing in the gutter.
And that's just who our customers are.
Right now.
I love how they sit there like a couple of choirboys.
You know one of them is leaving New York with VD.
-Where the hell have you been? -What's the problem? -Don! -Can you give me a minute? I don't mind waiting.
How'd it go? Get back to work.
How was your interview? Count to 100 and buzz me.
You missed Jeff Atherton.
He came here expressly to see you.
I'm sorry, I didn't know he was coming, and I don't know who that is.
You have no idea how tiny this place looks to a stranger.
Did you tell him about the second floor? I refuse to be any part of that charade.
I wanted an office downtown.
We overspent.
We could have got a lot more for our money.
And we could have had a conference table.
Atherton thought the lack of a conference table was deliberate.
He felt that a circle of chairs demands a conversation.
About why there is no table.
They loved you.
What exactly is the problem? Well, first of all, they're prudes.
Second of all, Y&R was standing in the hallway when we left.
-You've been on a cattle call before.
-When the competition was fair.
Every hour of my time has to be accounted for in the growth of this company.
Get me in a room where I have a chance.
In the end, it's going to come down to big versus small.
There's two firms in the middle, Kenyon & Eckhardt and D'Arcy.
They'll cancel each other out.
Y&R has six floors of creative.
They can throw bodies at this account for weeks.
We don't have that kind of firepower.
We don't have to.
We're the scrappy upstart.
You don't say that to the clients, do you? -Your accountant is waiting.
-Send him in.
Creatively, Y&R is not capable of living in this neighborhood.
You know why? Because you don't work there.
John.
Marsha.
John.
Marsha.
John.
Happy Thanksgiving.
My mother's gonna be over the moon.
Enjoy it.
it's the last thing we're going to get from them.
-What? -Did you kill Sugarberry? That's a third of my work.
Stop jumping to conclusions.
I guess when Kreutzer said they were going to send us all hams, he really meant one in a cardboard box with no note.
It's about as subtle as an atomic bomb.
Maybe they're cheap.
Do you honestly think this is a good sign? -The work was old-fashioned.
-And whose fault is that? Well, testing at four supermarkets in Queens.
How much were they spending? Nothing.
If the test was a success, they would have gone national, and it could be a big account.
Damn it! I thought we were getting on a streak.
Does this mean I'm down to two days a week? Don hated the work.
Put the ham on his desk.
He's probably having Thanksgiving dinner alone in there.
That's not nice.
Marsha! I'm serious.
I have a life insurance policy.
It's a company policy.
It pays the company, not the family.
What do you think? It wouldn't be bad to have a little security for the kids.
According to this, I'm already a wealthy man.
Uncle Sam will take a healthy bite.
He already has.
And the only other issue is the house.
What about it? Well, October 1st, she was supposed to be out.
It seemed so far away when we agreed to that.
Get her and him out of there and sell it.
I can call Ben Michaelson and have him draft a doozy.
Start World War III? You're carrying a mortgage, plus insurance, and taxes for a house you don't live in.
Leave it alone.
So how are your balls? Are you enjoying yourself? Come on.
"I don't want it like this.
I want it like that.
"Not too much of that, just a little like this.
" And then they look at it, and they don't like it.
Two of their test markets are in Jewish neighborhoods.
They're idiots.
How much does it cost for us to buy all the product? Too much, and we'd have to do it every day.
So how much does it cost for us to get one afternoon, clean them out once? One hundred people? Do you know how big a line that is? People would talk about it.
-It's a PR stunt.
-We don't do that.
-Why not? -Because you can't charge for it.
So what? Two women fighting over one ham, but they have to really fight.
They have to get arrested or something.
Because it's the last ham.
We don't have to write a play.
It's Thanksgiving.
They're shopping, the stakes are very high.
Old Chuck Dewey could probably get a story in the Daily News for a case of something.
$25 per actress.
We could get Gladys what's-her-name.
Who's the old lady who never takes off her mittens? I don't have any money.
-John! -Marsha! I can use my expense account if I say they're whores.
Top-shelf liquor, what's that gonna run? Harry gets a case a month for sticking his nose up some guy's ass at NBC.
Should I run it by Don? Really? We'll see.
I'll call casting.
Good.
I got you when you're vulnerable.
What do you need? Someone white to carve our turkey.
I can't, Roger.
I have plans.
You told me that.
Then you told me you had the kids the day after.
But you never said no to Jane's friend Bethany.
No.
I was thinking the other day about what happens when you leave here, and it made me very upset.
I could say the same thing.
I'll paint you the picture that's in my mind, but if it's true, I might kill myself.
I've hardly been a monk.
Forget that she knows Jane.
This girl's terrific.
She looks like Virginia Mayo, she's 25, Mount Holyoke gymnastics team.
See her this weekend.
You hit it off, come Turkey Day, maybe you can stuff her.
Sweetheart, 8:00 Saturday night, Jimmy's La Grange.
For beauty and the beast.
Roger.
They have chicken Kiev.
The butter squirts everywhere.
Hello, Mr.
Draper.
Hello, Celia.
I made you some pork chops.
They're good cold, too.
I look forward to it.
But you don't eat nothing.
Have you seen my shine kit? I put it on the top of the closet.
The children coming this weekend? No.
You need to put things back where you found them.
I didn't want to leave it in the middle of the floor.
Okay, good night.
You have a good weekend.
And eat something.
Let me out of here! Let me out of here! Let me out of here! Footprints on a wet floor That's no longer a hanging offense.
Glo-Coat's patented formula goes on easy and dries in seconds.
So how do you know Jane? Before you ask me all the questions, you have to let me finish one glass.
I don't have to ask you any questions.
I think I'm actually nervous.
I haven't done this since college.
Not that it was so long ago, although it seems like it.
I borrowed a dress.
You sat down so fast I didn't get a good look.
Do you want to see it? I can't believe I did that.
It's hard to believe there are two girls who can wear that.
Don, I want to lift a shadow off this evening.
I Know this is your first date.
First that Roger was involved in.
Of course.
I'm sure.
It's just I'm breaking a lot of my rules seeing a divorced man.
But Jane has made you her personal cause.
And there are so many real problems in the world.
I know.
The world is so dark right now.
The country? My goodness, you've made me feel very serious all of a sudden.
I don't know if I can make you feel better about the world.
One of the boys killed in Mississippi, Andrew Goodman, he was from here.
A girlfriend of mine knew him from summer camp.
Is that what it takes to change things? What do you do? I'm an actress.
But right now I'm a super in the opera.
And what is that? A supernumerary.
We're the actors that till the stage.
Like the chorus? No singing.
I do a lot of mock drinking.
I'm a wench.
I'm a courtesan.
Part of a harem.
It depends on the opera.
That is truly fascinating.
I love the music, and I love backstage.
Our costumes are as good as the singers'.
And I love the stories.
They're very romantic.
Have you been? I have.
But only for business, so I've never enjoyed it.
Well, then you must come as my guest.
They give the supers tickets instead of paying a decent wage.
Madam? I don't even need to look.
Chicken Kiev.
They make you wear a bib.
Come on.
Let's have some fun.
Two chicken Kievs.
The Barbizon.
I bet that would make a great opera.
It would.
Well, I guess this is "good night.
" Okay.
Good night.
So am I gonna see you at Roger and Jane's for Thanksgiving? It's tempting, but I have plans.
I'm sure the holidays must be very complex.
It may have been a while since you've had to pick up on messages, but I want to see you again.
How about right now? I stopped the meter.
We can start it again.
It'll be like I just picked you up.
Will you please take a weak no? Let's see where we are New Year's Eve.
-If it's meant to be, it'll keep.
-Let me walk you in.
No.
I know that trick.
Waverly and 6th Avenue.
I think you both really acquitted yourselves well.
She doesn't know when to stop.
You don't know when to stop.
My objective was to get the ham.
No one told you to hit me.
That wasn't part of it.
The important thing is that Here's Mr.
Campbell.
I've been assured that you ladies can look for your names and perhaps your picture in Monday's Daily News.
What section? It's the Daily News.
it's one big section.
All in all, not a bad way to spend a Sunday.
Can you go back to the market and get me some aspirin? We probably shouldn't have any more contact for the time being.
Shall we? We really appreciate your talent and, of course, your discretion.
You hurt me.
Ladies, ladies, ladies! Daisy! Walk her to the train.
-Are you okay, dear? -Yeah.
Let's get you in a cab.
Morning.
Welcome back.
How was Los Angeles? Very hard to leave.
I would love a vacation.
It wasn't a vacation.
I had a lot of tsuris with Lucy and Desi.
Has someone been using my office? Mr.
Sterling doesn't have a television.
I'm calling a meeting for 11:00.
No, make it 1:00.
-Do we have a table yet? -1:30, and no.
-Hi.
-Yes? Do you know where the Secor rough cut is? I got it! Don't you want to know why? I sold the Jai Alai TV special.
Really? ABC, they're moving towards all these eccentric sporting events, go-karts.
Well, that's very exciting.
Can you get someone to track down a cup of coffee for me? And I'd love a grapefruit juice- And, Joan, that is my news.
I won't even tell people after it's aired.
Good morning, Mr.
Draper.
Don, can I speak with you for a minute? Morning.
-Lane, would you excuse us for a minute? -Of course.
Good morning, Don.
You know, no one who's ever been associated with an actual event has thought it's been portrayed honestly in the newspaper.
"Donald Draper, or Don as he is known, perhaps in an attempt to appear humble, "is a handsome cipher.
"One imagines somewhere in an attic "there's a painting of him that's rapidly aging.
" For a guy from Ad Age, he can really write.
-He also says you're married.
-Jesus.
He never asked me that.
Did he check any facts? You didn't give him any facts.
He had to make some assumptions.
My job is to write ads, not go around talking about who I am.
Who knows who you are? This was supposed to be an advertisement for the firm.
-Why do you have so many copies? -I bought one to read.
I was going to buy one to frame in reception, and then I read it.
I just wanted to get them all before anyone else did.
It'll be lining bird cages by Friday.
This is a missed opportunity.
You turned all the sizzle from Glo-Coat into a wet fart.
Plus, you sound like a prick.
Well, it's done.
I learned a valuable lesson.
Stay away from one-legged reporters.
Yeah, I was thinking about that.
Who is he to criticize anybody? Just so you don't kill yourself, there was some good news.
Jane's friend found you to be charming.
Although a little grabby in the car.
That is good news.
Thank you.
She liked you.
Maybe you should have fondled Peg-Leg Pete.
They raise you up and they knock you down.
I don't know what I could have done differently.
I believe that you were being modest, but he didn't.
I'm sorry, but after the year you've had, it's just not appropriate anymore.
He's expecting us! -Is Joey coming? -I'm here.
Why can't you come to our office? Do you want to hear what Sugarberry said or not? Shoot.
It was uproarious.
First it's Darryl, and he tells me about how they stared at the article all day yesterday, worrying about a lawsuit.
So I hang up and debate whether or not to tell Don, throw myself on my sword.
And then Kreutzer calls to tell me other papers picked up the story.
And I think, "He knows it's us," but how could he? And he said everyone, especially Darryl, was very excited.
And then he gets Christian.
He's sorry someone got hurt, but more people will taste their ham now, and they'll love it.
It's beautiful.
How do you put something like this in your book? You can't.
We can't even charge them.
Well, it wouldn't be a bad idea for them to increase their media budget.
-Seize the moment.
-With more crappy ads? -Hopefully not.
-You use it.
"The winner of the ham battle is you.
" Can you imagine? Lane's dentures would drop out of his head if we came in with an additional buy.
"Our hams are worth fighting for.
" A cartoon pilgrim and an Indian in a tug of war with the ham.
Old ladies will smile.
Why didn't you pitch that two months ago? It's good on its own.
A slogan's nothing when you have a good idea.
Black crayon.
I need it in an hour.
Chop-chop, Joey.
Clara, could you get Darryl for me at Sugarberry? Tell him it's urgent.
I may need you.
Horace Cook, Jr.
It's urgent.
Ho-Ho.
How was Tijuana? I have to say, it's a very flattering picture.
And I don't think I'd mind being described that way.
Mr.
Crane, you're a salesman.
You do not want to be known as mysterious.
There'll be no further discussion.
I just got off the phone with Ho-Ho.
Jai Alai is leaving.
-What? -it's over.
Bullshit.
I just sold a TV special to ABC.
Well, apparently Don didn't mention them in the article.
I didn't mention anyone.
That's the reporter's job.
Spectacular.
What the hell's Ho-Ho doing reading Ad Age? Fix it.
Todd got all the partners from CGC to call, and they worked them up and down.
-They told him we laugh about him.
-I don't! Get him on the phone, get him in here or camp out in his driveway.
He hung up on me.
I think he was crying.
How much was left in Ho-Ho anyway? We'll survive with Jai Alai off our list.
We will survive, but for how long? The loss of Jai Alai makes Lucky Strike 71% of our billings.
It's an untenably insecure position.
Harry, why don't you call and pretend like you don't Know any of this.
Give it an hour so he'll take the call.
I wish we really had a second floor so I could jump off it.
I'm going to have to get you another interview.
The Wall Street Journal.
And what do I do differently? I told him the truth.
Who gives a crap what I say anyway? My work speaks for me.
Turning creative success into business is your work.
And you've failed.
It'll pass.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Happy Thanksgiving.
We started without you.
Grandma Pauline, I told you Mother's was at noon.
We already ate.
Well, you're supposed to overeat on Thanksgiving.
Thank you.
Jamie, you'll have something? We missed dessert.
You're next to your father.
Put up some coffee, dear.
-Hi, Daddy.
-Isn't that sweet? We didn't forget you.
What do you say? -Thank you.
-Thanks.
After you eat.
The traffic was simply murder.
That's because that's what's become of this country.
Everyone has two Thanksgivings to go to.
Maybe we have twice as much to be thankful for.
Don't you like the food, dear? -No.
-Sally Draper, that's rude.
-You love cranberry sauce.
-It has seeds in it.
-How about the sweet potato? -I'm not hungry.
Look, there's marshmallow.
Oh, Lord.
She might have a fever.
-I'm sorry.
-it's all right, dear.
Isabel, can you bring a rag? Stop pinching me! I love sweet potatoes.
Isabel.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Do you want a drink? I don't have much time.
I have supper with my family.
Of course you do.
Should I not have mentioned my family? I never know how you're going to react.
No, that's fine.
-Let me take off my brassiere.
-No.
In a minute.
Stop telling me what to do.
I know what you want.
So do it.
Harder.
Again.
Hold on.
Surprise.
It's for you.
Why did you answer it? It was the third try.
I couldn't take it.
-Hello? -Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I didn't know you'd have guests.
What's wrong? I need $280 for bail.
Bye.
Where are you? It's not for me.
Spit it out, honey.
You're going to laugh.
Pete and I hired some actresses to get in a fight over a Sugarberry ham.
You know, as a stunt.
We got them to increase their media budget.
Hello? I'm here.
Well, one of them pressed charges against the other for assault.
It's $80 bail and $100 apiece to keep their mouths shut.
And it has to happen today.
Call Pete! Do you think you're my first call? Hello.
I'm so sorry to bother you.
-I ought to let you twist in the wind.
-It still worked out.
-You'll be very happy.
-I'm not happy.
And I don't think it's funny or cute.
You run something like that by me first.
I would have kept you from looking like an idiot, or worse yet, making me look like one.
Is that what you want? You want people to think we're idiots, Peggy? Hey, there's no reason for name-calling.
She's been agonizing.
Who are you? I'm her fiancé.
Mark, don't.
Why'd you bring him up here if you didn't want him involved? I know.
I'm sorry, Don.
-Fiancé? -It just came out.
Did you put the dog out? It's cold outside.
But I locked her in the laundry room.
It's not cold in here.
Sally.
I was calling Daddy.
Hello? I wanted to wish him a happy Thanksgiving.
You'll see him tomorrow.
You want to call him to complain about how awful I am? Don't expect any sympathy when he hears my side of the story.
-Don't! -Go to bed.
I'm going to have them take that phone out of the hallway.
Tomorrow, when the kids go, why don't we have Carla take the baby, and we'll drive to a nice dinner? Maybe Essex.
The Griswold Inn.
Okay.
I'm really full, Betty.
Daddy! Dad.
-How much turkey did you eat? -I ate everything.
-Hello, Daddy.
-Hello.
-Where's the baby? -I had Carla take him.
You weren't going to.
Henry and I have plans.
I'd like to see him.
-Hello, Don.
-Henry.
Come on, let's go.
Garage door.
What are you doing? You know what I'm doing.
The button fell off my pajamas.
-I'll sew it on in the morning.
-You know how to sew? I can do a button.
I'll show you.
I'll leave the light on in the bathroom so there won't be any more problems, okay? Okay.
Good night, Daddy.
Good night, both of you.
Do you have your key? -Hello? -Maybe they're asleep.
Go upstairs.
What the hell is the dog doing in the house? You run up to bed.
I'll wait.
For what? It's almost 10:00.
-I thought you said 10:00.
-She didn't.
I've waited for you plenty of times.
Henry, do you mind? -Betty? -it's okay.
Does that mean I should stay or not stay? Stay.
When are you moving out? I don't know.
Well, you were supposed to be out a month ago.
We haven't found the right place for the kids.
Well, either do as we agreed, or I'm gonna need to collect rent.
What? Or you could just buy it from me if you want to.
-I can't believe you.
-Don, it's temporary.
Believe me, Henry, everybody thinks this is temporary.
Good night.
He has some nerve.
I know you don't want to hear this, but he's right.
Haven't the kids been through enough change already? -I can't just uproot them with no place to go.
-You're not even looking.
There's nothing out there, and he doesn't decide.
Miss Olson is here to see you.
Send her in.
They sent one for each of us.
Could have just as easily fired us.
But they didn't, because they sold more hams.
And now you get to tell them why if you want.
I think they'll be impressed.
Well, I'm not.
I try and stay away from these kinds of shenanigans.
But I guess you knew that or you would have told me.
It was going great until it wasn't.
Thanks for the ham.
I should have told you.
Since when do you have a fiance? I don't.
But you didn't have to do that that way.
You brought him with you because you thought I wouldn't embarrass you.
At least I'm thinking ahead.
Doesn't always work, does it? You need to think a little bit more about the image of this agency.
Well, nobody knows about the ham stunt, so our image remains pretty much where you left it.
I won't need you in the Jantzen presentation.
Now you're being spiteful.
No, I just think it would be better not to have a girl in the room.
You know something? We are all here because of you.
All we want to do is please you.
Why don't I put them in the pantry? Christmas is around the corner.
Put them in the basement.
Did the children like their gifts? They did.
It's nice the holiday is memorable in some other way.
I'm sorry a little girl spoiled your Thanksgiving.
Next time I'll tell her not to get sick.
I've raised children in my life, Henry.
They're terrified of her.
You don't know any of the people you're talking about.
Well, I know what you see in her.
And you could have gotten it without marrying.
Why can't you give her a chance? She loves you.
She's a silly woman.
Honestly, Henry.
I don't know how you can stand living in that man's dirt.
You go to the swimming pool, you go to the beach, take off your robe, you head into the Cabana.
There's no other way to slice it, you're getting undressed.
Can I put my feet on this? -Pretend like it's your living room.
-Thank you.
What separates a bathing suit from underwear? The cut and the print of the cloth and some sort of gentlemen's agreement.
"So well built, we can't show you the second floor.
" I think that's a little suggestive.
Good.
That's what I was going for.
A wink, but it's not a leer.
We don't want a wink.
I think I explained our product is for modest people.
Modest people want to be stimulated, too.
This draws them in in a way that will make your competitors seem crude and obvious.
Plus, they'll be dying to see the suit.
They'll be dying to see the girl.
And for all we know, she's not even wearing a top.
You'll get them into the store.
isn't that the point? It's not wholesome.
It's not Did I tell you we're a family company? I think I know what you're looking for.
A couple of women bouncing a beach ball, little girl in front of them building a sandcastle.
Your competitors are gonna keep killing you because you're too scared of the skin that your two-piece was designed to show off.
Well, it's somehow dirtier not seeing anything.
You need to decide what kind of company you want to be.
Comfortable and dead, or risky and possibly rich.
All I know is we don't want that.
Well, gentlemen, you were wondering what a creative agency looks like, there you have it.
Hope you enjoyed looking in the window.
Give me a minute.
Where are you going? Control yourself.
Cool off.
And hopefully Campbell can talk them into hearing a few more ideas in a week or so.
What? No.
That's not the point.
Out.
Get out.
-Don.
-Excuse me? Get your things and get out of my office now.
Come on.
Let's go.
Call Bert Cooper's man at The Wall Street Journal.
There's always a name in every partnership that defines who they are.
In the case of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, would you say that's Donald Draper? Yes.
Really? Last year, our agency was being swallowed whole.
I realized I had two choices.
I could die of boredom or holster up my guns.
So I walked into Lane Pryce's office and I said, "Fire us.
" Two days later, we were operating out of the Pierre Hotel.
Within a year, we had taken over two floors of the Time-Life Building.