Melissa & Joey s04e01 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Joe, the blood and guts on the front porch look disgusting! Great job! Thank you, honey.
And I've actually saved my most traumatizing work for right here in this living room, because underneath those sheets, I am building the most blood-curdling, terrifying mechanical monster this neighborhood No, actually all of northeast Toledo, has ever seen.
Mm-hmm.
Is this about those kids last year that looked at your decorations and went, "yo, check out the douche-o-lantern"? I don't care what those kids think, all right? And after they see what's under there, this year they'll be peeing in their pants.
Oh, good, that's just what the front porch is missing The pungent scent of fear pee.
So when are you going to unveil this super-scary creation of yours? Don't Don't say it like that.
- Say what like what? - "Super scary.
" Like, you just put quotes around it, like you don't think I can actually scare people.
Look, I know you can scare people.
I've seen you talk to smokers in restaurants.
So when do I get to look under that? All right, okay.
Stand over here.
Ready? Meet Scary Larry.
Huh?! Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Prepare to be terrified.
I'm going to What? You're gonna what? Yeah, you're right, Joe.
The suspense is terrifying.
"I'm gonna hack you to bits.
" The hatchet's supposed to go up and then swoosh down.
Batteries must be dead.
Well, maybe next time you should get undead batteries.
Like that doorbell, don't you? I love the doorbell! Dr.
Radler.
Hello, Mel.
Uh, Joe, this is Dr.
Radler, my gynecologist, who's here at our house for some reason.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, same here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't mind the hatchet.
I'm actually just holding it for a friend.
So why the house call? Yeah, is Mel okay? Oh, yes, it's nothing to worry about.
It's not a professional call, just a little catch-up between women.
Just because I've seen your cervix doesn't mean we can't be friends.
Just to be clear, I don't need to see your cervix in order to be friends.
I'm gonna get out of here before this conversation gets weird It's too late, though.
Mel, it's time you knew I'm not a real gynecologist.
What?! Wait wait wait wait wait.
So that wasn't actually an I.
U.
D.
? - That's not important.
- I beg to differ! I've been watching over you in various guises ever since you were a teenager.
But now it's time you knew the truth.
Mel Burke, you are a great and powerful witch.
Me? Sync & Corrections by Darcade I'm a witch? Like a witch witch? Like, "cackle cackle, riding on a broomstick, warts on the nose"? Well, nowadays, most witches have wart-reduction surgery, but yes.
You are a powerful witch.
The adventures of your youth are retold time and time again, mostly on Saturday afternoons.
Oh, I get it.
This is some kind of Halloween prank.
Mel, this is no prank.
As a teenage girl, you grew up in the witch world, the other realm.
You grew up under my care.
I'm a witch too.
I'm 300 years old.
Well, you look fantastic.
I moisturize.
But let's not talk about how beautiful I am.
Years ago, a dark force infiltrated our world.
For your own safety, we erased your memories and placed you here in unassuming Toledo, Ohio under the identity of Mel Burke, an average Midwestern woman.
Average? Have you seen me run downstairs in heels? I'm amazing.
But now you and your powers are needed for evil has overtaken the other realm.
The dark lord has risen and chaos reigns.
Dr.
Radler, honey, you know, I know sometimes doctors like to get into the free prescription samples and go a little cuckoo crazy pants.
So what do you say we call 9-1-1 and check you into rehab or get you on a reality show or something? Does this look cuckoo crazy pants to you? No, this sparkly cell phone makes your whole story believable.
We don't have much time.
Everything you need is in here.
- In this cell phone? - It's a spell phone.
Use this app to open the ebook of incantations.
Read it thoroughly, for it can save your very life.
Mel? Uh I'm not gonna ask how on earth you keep going through so many "C" batteries.
But when you use the last one, can you please put it on the shopping list so we know to get more? Joe, I'm kind of dealing with a very important house call here.
Sorry for the interruption, Dr.
rad Where did she go?! - Dr.
Radler was just here! - She's not here now.
She just told me the most bizarre thing.
Apparently, I'm a witch and I'm needed to save the other realm.
A witch, huh? Mmm! Are you good witch or a bad witch? You know, she didn't say.
Yeah? Well, I hope you're a bad bad witch.
Where'd you get the new cell phone? Dr.
Radler gave it to me.
It's a book of spells, apparently.
You know, you might want to look around for a new gynecologist.
Look, honey, I got to go to the store, gotta pick up some more batteries, get Scary Larry working here before the kids start to trick-or-treat.
- You need anything? - Better candy than you usually get? Raisins are nature's candy! And that's why people throw nature's eggs at our door! Hello, Mel.
Are you ready to cast a spell? Wow, Dr.
Radler went all out! Okay, I can play along with the doctor's joke.
Um, levitate the couch.
Your spell will not be successful without the proper intention and gesture.
Oh jeez.
Okay.
Levitate, couch! Gesture poor.
Intention level, weak.
Maybe I'm getting a bad signal.
This might be a lousy witch-coverage area.
Oh, yeah, I've only got two brooms.
Ooooh! Oh, Ryder, nice costume.
You're rockin' Halloween old-school "peanuts" style.
Where are you two headed? Oooooh! Ryder said he's not speaking until after he gets back from this party wee going to.
He's very committed to his character.
Oooh! That is so sweet Wait a second.
Were those my 1,000-thread-count sheets? You know what? He is going to be a ghost when he gets home.
So what do you think of my costume? Oh, yeah, it's great.
- What are you? - You can't tell? Uh, don't give me the eyebrow.
Okay, I'm really trying here.
Um, oh! I got it.
You're a rat princess.
I'm supposed to be a sexy cat! - Oh, now I see it.
- No, you don't.
Ugh! Stupid cheap mail-order costume.
It's not sexy and it's barely a cat.
Honey, you look very nice.
I do not! Uh! You don't really care, do you? Of course I care, sweetheart.
I care a great deal.
I mean, I want you to be the most realistic cat there ever was! Oh my God! What did you do to me? I don't know.
Undo! Undo! Control-Z! How did this happen? How the hell did you turn me into a cat? I don't know! Apparently I had the proper intention and gesture.
What are you, some kind of magician? No, I'm a A witch! Then do whatever that was again and change me back right now.
I have a party to go to tonight.
All right, don't worry, okay? I'm gonna change you back.
Oh, you're so soft! Okay, I just have to find the right spell to transform you.
Oh, no, I have to go to the bathroom.
What? No no no! We don't have a litter box.
Then let me outside.
Well, okay fine, but don't run off.
We don't know if you're fixed, and I don't want to find out when you're popping out kittens in my closet.
Oh, this is humiliating.
Okay.
I promise no matter what you fall off of or how well you play piano, I will not post it on YouTube.
Oh! Now do you believe me? Yes, I believe you.
I'm a witch from the far side.
- The other realm.
- Whatever.
Look, now I just need to know how to turn Lennox back into a person.
You can't.
You won't have your full powers until you defeat the dark lord.
- Well, how do I do that? - I don't know.
- Well, where is he? - I don't know.
You're really not bringing a whole lot to the party here, lady.
The dark lord has overtaken the witch realm and is now poised to conquer the mortal world as well.
He wishes to destroy you because you are the only obstacle to his supremacy.
I feel his presence is near.
Wait, what? The dark lord is coming here? What does he look like? He takes many forms and guises.
So he's like the Meryl Streep of evil? He once was Meryl Streep.
You know, I bet it was in "Mamma Mia.
" Hello! I'm back! In a minute! Look, Dr.
Radler I wish she'd stop doing that.
Oh, Joe, I'm so glad you're here.
Hey, you want to hear something weird? Do you know when I got home, there was some stray black cat taking a pee on the front lawn? I chased it off, but it was really weird Before it left, it looked at me just like this.
I swear I've seen that look somewhere before, - I just can't place it.
- That was Lennox.
I'm a witch and I turned Lennox into a cat by accident.
Oooh! Spooky.
Someone's in the Halloween spirit.
I like that.
I don't blame you for not believing me.
I barely believe it myself.
Listen, honey, I'd love to chat with you, but I got to get Scary Larry up and working because the kids are already outside trick-or-treating, okay? - Aunt Mel, let me in! - Keep your fur on, Lennox! Run, kids! Save yourself! There's a crazed killer on the loose! I'm going to hack you to bits! Mwah ha ha ha ha! That's lame.
That's not lame.
You were scared, you know it.
Nah.
Fine, whatever.
Here, take your Halloween candy and go.
Black licorice? Gross! We walked up, like, seven steps for this? Hey, it's classic Halloween candy! Yeah.
Cool.
Wow.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm not even doing that.
That's weird.
How is he How is he doing that? Run, kids! Save yourselves! And miss this? No way! - What's going on? - I don't I don't know! It's Scary Larry.
It's like he's possessed or something.
It's the dark lord! He's come over to this world to get me! It's not always about you, Mel.
Hey, you're a witch, right? Why don't you do something? - Cast a little spell.
- All right, don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
Uh, zither, Zoroastrians, zombies.
Oh, here's something "Maka-laka-hi, laka hiney ho!" Fail.
You know, tell all your friends we have black licorice.
Ha! Come here, come here.
Here, Joe! Joke's on you, monkey fighter.
That was amazing.
I defeated the dark lord.
You? I was the one with the lethal licorice.
Yeah.
You, me Same difference.
The important thing is he's gone.
Yeah, you're right.
And now it's time to take out the trash.
No, wait a minute.
I can do better than that.
Hold on.
Okay, you ready? Here it is.
It's trash night.
And I'm taking it out.
Wait a minute.
I can do better.
- I can do better - Just get rid of it.
I have to go find Lennox.
Lennox? Here, niecy, niecy, niecy, niecy! Must kill.
Must destroy witch.
Must avoid personal pronouns.
Lennox? This is you, right? Yes, and put me down.
You're squishing, like, five of my boobs.
Thank goodness.
Okay, let's try to change you back.
Yuck! You're putting me on the counter where we put food? Do you know where I've been? Oh, stop complaining.
I'm trying to figure out how to turn you back to your regular self.
Okay, restore Lennox to her human form.
Sorry, you have spellbook lite.
You need to upgrade to the full version to use that spell.
Hurry up, aunt Mel.
The party already started and I've got to do my hair.
Excuse me! I've just been busy, you know, trying to protect all of humanity from the dark lord.
Who's the dark lord? Evil personified, the devil incarnate, blah blah.
You know what? I'm just going to do this the old-fashioned way and hope I'm not violating any copyright laws Bibbity-bobbity-boo! Yay! I'm back! Yes, you are.
Uh, but you might want to do a little waxing before you go out.
Oh no! What did you do to me? Ahh! This doesn't come off.
I'm like half-cat, half-human mutant.
Thanks a lot, aunt Mel.
Hey, where are you going? I'm going to do some stress eating.
Ooh, butter! What are you upset about? I'm the one who can't turn my niece back.
Look at her.
I know, right? Oh, more trick-or-treaters.
- Lennox, will you get the door? - How? I don't have opposable thumbs.
You're a talking cat.
Figure it out.
Must have victory.
Tell me about it.
Want a glass of wine? I think we deserve it after killing that dark lord.
Dark lord stands before you.
Ah! You're the dark lord! Been searching for teenage witch season after season.
Must destroy.
Aha! Dark lord is not a vampire.
Oh, damn! Uh, here! Garlic! That's for vampires too.
Those are scallions anyway.
Really? Are you sure? My maple cabinets.
Those are custom! That's it, bitch.
Get out of my man! We're getting a lot of complaints about the black licorice.
- Must destroy witch.
- Lennox, it's the dark lord.
Where? - Inside Joe! - Oh no! Well, can't you just, like, use a spell or something? No, my powers don't work on him.
Um, oh! But there's a magic you've had that's always been more powerful.
The magic of love.
You're kidding me, right? No, love is the strongest power on earth.
Just just reach out to him.
The man you love is still inside of there somewhere.
Just come on! You've got to try it.
Okay, it's worth a shot.
Joe? Sweetie? Pudding pie? Ah! Joe? I know you're in there.
Find your way out, sweetheart.
I love you.
You're doing it.
Come on, you can beat him, Joe.
I love you.
Oh, here, let me help you.
Get out of him, you beast! Actually, that was all me.
Oh, sorry.
Man, this guy is strong.
I'm telling you, this guy works out as much as I do.
The only way for me to destroy him is to destroy myself, Mel.
No! Joe, don't do it.
I have to! It's the only way that I can save you.
Ah! It's the only way! I love you, Mel.
Goodbye.
Joe! No, this can't be! That was amazing.
He sacrificed himself to save us all from the dark lord.
Oh, my sweet, noble Joe! I can't believe you're gone forever.
Back from dead! Oh! I'm kidding.
That's just me.
Oh! Joe.
That was amazing.
Wow, you're the one with the special powers.
Yeah, I tell you, it's a good thing I was here.
Otherwise I never would have been able to defeat myself.
I couldn't have done it without you, though, baby.
Oh, well, now that we Joe Defeated the dark lord, I can focus all my attention on restoring you to your human form.
Um, actually, can I keep this look for now? I'll have a great shot at winning the costume contest at the party.
You can just change me back when I get home, okay? Bye.
Hey, be safe! Have fun.
Yeah, and don't go crossing anyone's path.
Well done.
Look, someday you're going to do that to someone in a concealed-carry state, and you're going to regret it.
Congratulations, Mel.
You defeated the dark lord and saved the other realm as well as this one.
Your powers are now fully restored.
You are once again the great witch that you were.
- Really? - Try it.
That move is taken.
Oh, okay.
Uh, turn Joe into the most desirable man alive.
Oh, that's odd.
It didn't work.
Yes, it did.
He's already the most desirable man I know, but now with ravioli.
Yeah.
And take a peek in there.
Oh, no magic is needed for that area that's perfect.
No no no, look in your pants pocket.
You have two tickets to Justin Timberlake at the Toledo Hollywood Bowl.
What? Now I have it all.
And now, Mel, you may take your place as a leader in the realm of witches.
Oh, Joe! We're going to be, like, witch royalty.
Ooh, maybe we can party with Harry Potter and Hermione.
I'm sorry.
The other realm has a strict anti-immigration policy when it comes to mortals.
I don't like the way she just said that.
It's your choice, Mel.
If you stay here, you will lose your powers and remain a mortal forever.
So no more witchy-witchy stuff? You know, like No, that all goes away.
So what do you choose? Well, I mean, are you kidding? This is a no-brainer.
You're willing to give up all your witch powers? Yes.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
What's the use of all those other powers if I don't have the power of love? Well, all right, you may stay.
But your magic will be gone and all memory of these events will be erased from you both.
I'll miss you.
Shazam! Whoa.
- Ho! - What? I feel weird.
Ooh, I feel weird too.
What time is it? It's 8:30.
It's it's already 8:30.
What happened to the night? Oh, trick-or-treaters.
Good, because, you know, tonight's been so boring.
- Yeah.
- Hey, you know, I really love what you've done with the decorations in here.
I mean, I love this fake cleaver.
I didn't do that.
I thought that you did that.
I didn't do that.
Whoa! Aunt Mel? I need you to change me back right now! Second place my furry ass! Aunt Mel? "Went to look at neighborhood Halloween decorations.
" Okay, fine.
I'll wait.
First place.
In your furry face! Shut up, Ryder! Ooooh!