Mork and Mindy (1978) s04e01 Episode Script

Na-no, na-no.
Well, I gotta go, Mork.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Or whatever you Orkans do for luck.
Oh, look at all the flowers.
Mork, the room looks beautiful.
I know, Mind, and not a single Medfly in the bunch.
Oh, Mork.
- Titter, titter, blush, blush, blush.
- Oh, Mork.
Hi.
Ha, ha.
Oh, Mork, this is so sweet of you to do this for me.
But you're a little premature.
I'm not gonna know about the newscaster job till this afternoon.
But thanks.
Oh, down, boy.
Mork, down, boy, down, boy.
Mind, Mind, Mind Go ahead tell her.
No, I can't.
Oh, tell her.
Tell her.
I can't.
Oh, come on, tell her.
Oh, I'm cramping up emotionally.
Just tell her.
You can do it.
Tell her, tell her Mork, I'm gonna have to wait later.
Sorry, wait.
I'm Oh, wait.
Just tell her.
Tell her.
It's okay.
It's all right.
Mindy, you hold my three hearts in your two hands.
Basically, what I'd like to say is, will you marry me, Mind? Mind? The shiksa split.
Make a small mental note: It's always better to propose while she's in the room.
- Mork? - Mind, oh, you say the magic words.
Roast.
Don't forget to put it in the oven.
Bye.
All that love for a hunk of meat.
I blew my big moment.
I was there.
I blew it.
Fore! This is not the American embassy! Mind if I play through? Exidor, is that you? That's what it says on my scorecard.
Try a five iron? Pepe, that's why you're a caddy and I'm on the tour.
I always like playing this course.
So well-tended.
Those are for Mindy.
I tried to propose to her.
- What did she say? - Put the roast in the oven.
So that's where it goes.
Mork, you can join me on my crusade.
I'm going to take golf from the rich and give it to the poor.
We'll play in the streets with real hazards, like gang violence and mopeds.
Exidor, you've got to help me, please.
I mean, you know everything.
I mean, you even know the color of Ronald Reagan's real hair.
Please, please, how do? How do I propose to Mindy? Ditch the skirt, Mork.
Yes, but I love Mindy.
Isn't marriage the ultimate commitment, the eternal bond, besides a wicked tax break? It's a sham.
- It's a blessing.
- It's barbaric.
- It's fulfilling.
- It's a candy mint.
- It's a breath mint.
- Oh, stop.
We're both right.
Exidor, please, please, pull out your putter and drive me out of this sand trap of life into the fairway of love.
Mork, there's only two ways to propose.
B, the old-fashioned way.
You charge into her life on a fiery white stallion, toss the tomato on the back of the saddle and ride off into the sunset.
I guess the old-fashioned way is always best unless you're having a heart transplant, but Well, then you're stuck with C.
- I don't mean to pry, but what's C? - Hmm? - C? - Oh, C.
Well, Mork, I must say that it's a boring choice, but it worked for Prince Charles.
I look a lot less like Howdy Doody than he does.
Mork.
This may shock and even nauseate you.
That's all right.
I subscribe to the National Enquirer.
Bunny, I may not be the handsomest man, or the brightest, or the wealthiest man in the world, but I've got his phone number.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Let's see.
Did she come in yet? Okay.
On your mark, get set, propose.
- Mindy, l - You know, sometimes I wish I was the garbage man, when they wake up in the morning, they expect the world to stink.
Mind, although we've only known each other now for 26,802 hours, I feel basically Well, I didn't get the newscaster job.
But am I bitter? No.
Mr.
Sternhagen said it had nothing to do with my being a woman, it's just that he needed a shortstop for the station's softball team.
Mind It's hard to propose to a moving target.
Mind.
- Mindy - Oh, I gotta get my mind off this.
I know, let's go do something fun.
You wanna play tennis? - Oh, l - Or we'll do anything.
I'd love to play "Space Invaders.
" Go for some pizza, maybe get married.
No, we had Italian food last night.
Cute, but not the greatest attention span.
Eenie, meenie, minie, mo, you die.
- Thanks.
- Mind, you know, I've traveled all around the galaxy, and I never thought I'd fall for an Earthling.
Oh, Mork.
You know, I don't think I know a nicer or kinder being than you.
I love you very much, and will you marry me? Mind? Hon, don't check out without the baggage.
Mind.
Mind.
Mind.
Little Pooter.
Heh.
Mind.
Hello, everybody.
- What's wrong with Mindy? - I don't know, Grams.
All I did was ask her to marry me and, boom, she's got the personality of lint.
- Marry? - Yes, sir, I think Marry my daughter? Oh, yes, thank you for your blessing.
Blessing? I'll give you a blessing.
Wouldn't hit a man standing behind a woman wearing glasses, would you? Married.
You know, I think that we three should have a talk right now.
- Come on.
- Okay.
I don't think we should neglect Mindy like this.
- Honey, come on.
- Hi, Dad.
You know, Pops, wherever Mindy goes, I go, because basically we're a unit, right? Okay, but since we're almost family, I can make one exception.
Now, honey, let me see if I can I can say this tactfully.
Mork is an alien.
He's an extraterrestrial being.
A UFO with legs.
Oh, pipe down, Fredzo.
You don't mind having that alien sit on your television so you can bring in A television antenna is one thing, a son-in-law is another.
Don't talk to me about a son-in-law.
Come on, you two.
All right.
Technically, we all know Mork isn't exactly human, but he has a lot more humanity in him than anyone I've ever met.
He's sweet, he's charming, he's sensitive, and I love him.
Uh, Mindy, you loved Oliver too, but you got over him.
Oliver was a goldfish.
And he went belly-up.
Will you talk some sense into him, please? Oh, Mindy dear, we all love Mork.
Yes, and we don't mind if he still likes to chase cars or sit on his face, but you see, you mustn't let love spoil your judgment.
Mindy, any mixed marriage is rough.
Yes, but I'm afraid this one is impossible.
Mindy, look at the facts.
Mork can never support you.
So I'll be the breadwinner.
I want a career.
What happens to your career if he's transferred to another planet? I'll commute.
Mindy, think.
Mork is an Orkan and he's aging backwards.
You'll be on Medicare, he'll be on pablum.
Dear, you will never be able to have a normal life.
And what about having a family? The chances are, you can't.
Oh, Mindy, we don't like to see you cheated out of having something as precious as children.
Honey, it's your decision, and we just want you to be realistic.
And sometimes that's the hardest thing in the world.
I always thought my life would be like a Doris Day movie, not Barbarella.
How do I weigh what I feel against what I know is logical? Honey, I think you know exactly what has to be done.
Will you folks talk a little louder? I can't hear a word you're saying! This is gonna be a lot harder than it was to flush Oliver down the toilet.
Mind, you've been in there all night.
Are you gonna come out? Yes.
Yes.
She said, "Yes.
" Mind, Mind, Mind.
Oh, yes, Mind, Mind, Mind, look.
Oh, Mork.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, Mork, it's a beautiful ring.
- Look at the jewels, they're sparkling.
- Uh-huh.
- They're glittering.
- Mm-hm.
- They're moving.
- Yeah.
Those are his eyes.
He's blinking.
- Him? He's alive? - Yep.
Oh, don't do that.
You'll give him whiplash.
See, the nice thing about it is, if you drop it, he'll follow you home.
It's a very nice ring, but I can't accept it.
You don't want the engagement ring? - Oh, Mork.
- Mind? It's not the ring.
See, Mork, sometimes in life, no matter how much you dream or you wish for something, it just can't be.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I can't marry you.
Pshaw, Mind, it's a joke, right, like the volunteer Army? Rejection.
Okay.
You don't wanna be Mrs.
Mork? Mind, Mind, Mind, but Mind, will you give me one reason why we can't get married, bicker, and learn to play canasta for the rest of our lives? I can't lie to you, and it really hurts me to have to say this.
- It's because you're an alien.
- And? And? And that's it.
Don't you see? We're from two completely different worlds.
Oh, Mind, Mind, that never affected, like, Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier.
I mean, Pocahontas and John Smith, or Mickey Rooney and pick-a-number.
Mind, come on now.
Mind, I'm not gonna give up.
- No way, like glue, I'm stuck on you.
- Oh, come on.
Deep down inside, you know there's probably a barrier that shouldn't be crossed.
Yeah, but you said you loved me, you know, love me.
You know, L-O-V-V.
Mork, I said that and I meant it, but I'm sorry, my mind is made up.
Oh, but, Mind, you took more time to make up your mind about your bathroom wallpaper.
I mean more to you than that, don't I? You do.
Well, just Well, just take some time, you know? I mean, just 24 hours.
Please, Mind, Mind, Mind, please.
Please, oh, please, oh, please All right.
Tell you what, tell you what.
It's 11:59 now.
Because I like what you stand for even when you're sitting, I'll give you the extra minute and make it midnight tomorrow night.
Okay, but I can't promise anything.
- Right.
- All right.
Good night.
Good night.
Remember, you changed your mind about the wallpaper.
Mork promo, take one.
You will marry Mork.
You love Mork.
Mork loves you.
Mork is great.
He's a today kind of guy.
Lock up when you leave.
- Jake? - Hmm? Let's have a heart-to-heart talk.
You and I haven't had one for a long time.
We never had one.
Well, then I guess we're overdue.
See, I have this really important decision that I have to make in about two hours.
Now, logically, I know what the answer should be, but emotionally, I feel exactly the opposite.
You've been around for a while.
What do you usually do? Do you think with your head or with your heart? Mindy, a lot of people think of me as just old Jake the cameraman, that I care about nothing except staying in focus and going home early.
They think I don't care about anybody else's problems because nobody cares about mine.
Well, you know something? They're right.
Never did like Old Jake.
Mork, what are you doing? Mind, I've come to sweep you off your feet.
- Oh, my God.
- Give me your foot.
Here we go.
Ugh.
Big lunch, Mind? This is ridiculous.
No, it's romantic.
We're gonna ride off into the sunset.
The sun set four hours ago.
I guess we better haul it then.
- Mork - Mind, Mind, Mind.
Mork! That's all right, Mind.
I'll catch the next one.
Well, you really topped yourself that time, Mork.
Yeah, I guess you've never ridden a pony through a car wash before, huh? Boy, he scampered when he hit that hot wax.
You haven't had a date like that with an earthman.
You're right there.
Mork, it's almost midnight.
I think we should sit down and talk.
Mind, there's enough time for the grand finale.
Oh, Mork, you don't need a finale.
Oh, I sure do, and you'll love this.
Put the tape in the tape recorder down there, please.
- This one marked Last Ditch Effort? - That's it.
Oh, Mork, you've given me flowers and perfume and horses.
What's left? Broadway! Hit it, Mind.
Got my top hat Got my vest pressed All I need now is the girl Got my striped tie Got my hopes high Got the time and the place And I've got rhythm All I need now is the girl to go with Hey.
Hey, ho.
Boy, they really screwed this game up when they added the ball, Mind.
- Oh, no, Mork.
- Mind.
You see this guy This guy's in love with you Seriously, where are you from? Yes, I'm in love What do I do to make you mine? You know it.
Tell me now Is it so? Don't let me be the last to know Because I want to be happy But I won't be happy Till I make you happy too Oh, no, Mindy, no.
Life's really worth living When you are mirth givin' Why can't I give some to you? You know it's true, baby.
Oh, Mork.
Did I close out of town? Oh, Mork.
Before I met you, the biggest choice I had to make in my life was whether to have my hair permed or fix the cat.
This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make.
Maybe the decision's been made for you, Mind.
I mean, think about it.
I crossed five galaxies, came to this little tiny planet and out of all those people in the world, you found me and we fell in love.
Coincidence? I say nay.
Maybe some infinite intelligence in this cosmos as we peer out, realizes that we were meant to be married and all mankind.
I wish I could believe that.
I wish you could believe that too, Mind.
I'll send by Exidor to pick up my clothes.
Why? You don't have to go.
I don't want you to go.
You could go, but the lease is in your name.
Just because we can't be married doesn't mean we have to end our relationship.
I mean, why can't we just go on being the way we are? I love you.
I couldn't stay here knowing that you'll never be mine.
But it doesn't have to be like that.
If it were the other way around, could you stay? No.
Well, big kiss.
I know how easily you run down, so don't skip breakfast.
And don't forget to take your Femiron.
- Mork.
- Yeah? Goodbye.
Mork.
You don't want me to go, do you? You can read minds too? No, but I can read your face.
Oh, Mork, if I married you, I'd be giving up any chance I might have to have a normal life.
But if I lost you - Will you marry me? - What? Will you marry me? This is so sudden.
I'll need some time.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Your Battle of the Bulgeness.
- Mork.
- Sir.
Do you always have to report when I'm eating? Well, sir, I could wait, but the Earth's sun does have a limited lifespan.
After that comment, you'd better have an interesting report.
Well, sir, you're gonna decorate me for this one.
You see, Mindy and I have signed up for a full lifetime term in the most noble of all institutions, marriage.
What? Sir? Do I detect a note of jealousy or are you coughing on a bone? Mork, no Orkan has entered into a marriage since our dark ages.
You've broken one of our most fundamental Orkan laws.
Correct the matter at once.
All right, sir.
I'll correct the problem.
I quit.
I abdicate my post for the woman I love.
Mork, you can't abdicate.
I'm giving you an order.
- Carry it out or else.
- Oh, yeah? I'm marrying Mindy and you just try and stop me.
That's a nice try there, sir.
Don't you understand though? On Earth when man and woman love each other - Silence! - Sir.
The matter is closed.
Until next week, Mork.
Na-no.
Yeah, all right.
Uh-huh.
The old silent treatment, eh? I am staying right on this spot until you let me marry Mindy.
I have patience.
I can wait.
I once sat through an entire Bobby Vinton concert.
Right.